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Why I Hate Vampires; Vampires
Topic Started: Jul 11 2014, 08:58 PM (67 Views)
Zombiekiller60
Opening Victim
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Why I hate Vampires.

Vampires. The undead, the living dead. Night dwellers. Seekers of warm blood by which they sustain their very existence!
Vampires. To me, the homeless of the living dead. Let’s take a real look at the ‘dwellers in the dark’, in fact, lets turn a spotlight on our pasty faced, fang toothed terrors.
Let’s face it folks, vampires first of all, live in dirt. That’s simply unsanitary. To me, you live in DIRT you’re a bum. The end. Can’t do a little sweeping? Living in a coffin (guess they’d love Japan with those cubicle hotels, eh?). Cobwebs everywhere, living in a dank, dark basement (guess the average Vampire would get along really well with the average oh, Star Trek fan eh? That’s a joke kids – no angry responses about this, all right?), which may be satin lined, but hey, how often do these chumps change those things? Even satin wears out, right?
Then there are the types of vampires. The ones I hate the most are the ‘romantic’ ones. The ones who have a good press agent, like Anne Rice. BORING. I won’t say anything about the teen angst ridden Twilight series, because I don’t intend on ever reading it. And I haven’t seen any of the movies. But the foppish, ruffle wearing vampires are among my least favorite. If they ever made a monster Union, I’m sure they’d never get invites. Then we have the 30 Days of Night vampires, who totally support my theory about them being homeless. I just said no ruffles, but does that mean one can’t have pride in oneself? I mean can’t they change their clothes occasionally perhaps do a laundry? Imagine what those suckers must have smelled like! No wonder they went to the Arctic Circle, anyone else would have smelt them oh, FIFTY MILES AWAY. Also dreadful table manners. And what was with killing everyone in sight? What about saving one or two for a rainy day? Damn gluttons!
OK, let’s move on to: How easily they can be destroyed. Let’s see; Stake, beheading, fire, drowning, sunlight (sunlamps? Blade supports that theory). Hell, I’m surprised there isn’t a RAID for Vampires. I’m more surprised these chumps even come out! Let’s say I knew a house where a vampire was hanging out. Rather than go in and mess with some superhuman familiar, I’d just burn the place down to the ground starting at oh, SUNUP on a nice SUNNY day! Five gallons of gas, chain the doors from the outside, burn the place to the ground (perhaps as part of a wink-wink FIRE DEPARTMENT exercise?), then search the ashes, and grind the bones of the now well-barbecued Vampire until there’s nothing left. That’s just one sneaky way to do it. I’ll tell you’ I’d much rather be a werewolf, say of THE HOWLING or DOG SOLDIERS variety than a vampire. Werewolf’s can at least have a day job, do a laundry, and have a semblance of a life. Failing that, I’d even take being a zombie. At least I wouldn’t have any awareness as to just how frakked up my stinking life is. No wonder so many vampires are either pissed off or miserable or depressed. They know how crappy their existence is! And think about today; Hepatitis C, AIDS, HIV, Ebola… I don’t want to hear it that none of these BLOOD borne disease has an effect. Has to be some effect, and I’ll be honest, I don’t want to know what it is! In a minor postscript, I will say that Christopher Lee’s Dracula is my favorite and he would kick the crap out of Lestart or Lestrale or whatever his name is, and Brides of Dracula is my favorite Vampire movie. The one other vampire I like is Cassidy from Garth Ennis, Vertigo Preacher series. Now he’s an excellent vampire. Drinks beer, pals around with Jesse Custer. But, really, I’m not a big fan of our leechy pals.
Living in dirt. Ha!
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