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AO News Briefs; Just wait'll we get our Hanes™ on you...
Topic Started: Mar 14 2007, 10:18 PM (605 Views)
Kenny
King of California
Admin
Morgan rules out presidential bid

Vice President Antigone Morgan said Wednesday she does not intend on challenging her boss President Fernanda for his job, at least not anytime soon. "Those frigid KOP-a-FEEL bitches won't stop riding my ass since that incident I uncrossed my legs on national TV," said the Federal Republic's second-in-command, "and besides, it'll be much more satisfying watching that dickhead Manuelo fall on his face in the comfort of my own home, so I say no."

She remained coy about her prospects for re-election to the vice-presidency in 2010. "Only if it doesn't interfere with a hair appointment," she said. "You practically have to schedule years in advance at the salon I go to, and I'm not flaking on it for some retarded nominating convention."

In other news, the producers of "Spank Me Scotty!" have announced a sequel, tentatively entitled "Spank Me Harder Scotty!", and with Morgan being replaced by some teenage wannabe no one's heard of. The vice president took the news rather well, aids said; she only ended up defenestrating one no-name staffer when she heard it. His funeral is scheduled for Tuesday. No one's expected to attend.

Riley given promotion at State Dept.

Erstwhile ambassador to the United Nations and current envoy to The Eternal Kawaii Jack Riley got a rather late Christmas present Tuesday, when Secretary of State Alex Tehrani announced the diplomat's "elevation" to a deputy undersecretary position.

Deputy Undersecretary for UN-sphere Affairs, to be exact, and while the position does not involve any authority over the Federal Republic's UN policies, Riley will have a role in directing State Department responses to incidents in UN member states outside the Antarctic Oasis region. Like that thing that went down in Altanar not too long ago, but the Kennyites never got involved, as they would have liked to. In fact, Riley was supposed to have been promoted long before so they could participate in the nobles' revolt; this is all just coming horribly, horribly late. Also, that "Revenge of the Cute One" deal. He might also issue a response to the Allech-Atreus FrootSpred kerfuffle.

And since the nominal undersecretary, Riley's immediate superior, is 92 and ailing, Riley will be the one calling most of the shots. "Sure Riley's a little, er, cuckoo, but this way, whenever he messes up -- and he will, big time -- we can just pin it all on the old guy," said Terry Puni, undersecretary for regional affairs. "He's barely coherent anyway, so it's not like he can respond or anything."

Riley reportedly visited the Karmicarian burlesque house to celebrate his newfound success, and got slapped with a lifetime ban for his troubles.

Another Useless Committee™ formed

It's been over a month now since he choked himself, and the Fenanda Administration still hasn't resolved on a replacement for the late Treasury Sec. Susa Batko-Yovino.

In a fit of Let's Get This the Fuck Overwith Already!, President Fernanda delegated the task to a search committee, designating as the head of a panel charged with a superbly inane task the administration's resident chief of inanity, Alex Tehrani.

"I am positive that we can come up with an agreeable candidate for this position, as we move beyond the tragedy, beyond the pain, beyond the sadness and find a new officer capable of taking up the reins and bringing us to new heights of fiscal responsibility," Tehrani told a news conference Wednesday as the press corps snored in unison. Even the secretary couldn't help but collapse unconscious on the dais.

The committee isn't expected to release a short list for quite some time, but since the final appointment is to be made by Fernanda, all candidates with even a shred of credibility or qualification are to be scrapped. A highly respectable public servant, Nobel laureate and Ph.D. in economics with a long string of awards and accomplishments was summarily rejected even before the panelists held their first meeting.

The commission is expected to be impaneled discussing a replacement until sometime in 2009, with Acting Sec. Jimmy Baca expected to serve in the interim, being occasionally haunted by Susa's ghost.

Some chick wins office pool

It took nearly two years, but we now have a winner in a State Department office pool on when someone would finally haul off and shoot Manuelo Fernanda. Liaison to Congress Betsy Fullmacher bet on March 2007 and was awarded the pot of nearly $4,000. Even though it wasn't Fernanda who was shot, but his double, Fullmacher was declared the winner because the shooter thought he was aiming at the Destructor.

Whilst regional leaders mourn the loss of Adrienne and Susa in Karma City, where funeral guest "President Fernanda" was apparently shot, the real president has continued making public appearances as usual in Paradise City. Thankfully the blissfully unaware Kennyites haven't bothered asking why the president has seemingly been in two places at once.

But how long it took before the president was shot was not the only thing the State Department staffers were betting on: there was a separate pool to determine who'd be pulling the trigger, whether it be Dicey Reilly, Sheik Nadnerb, Ausserlander Amb. Xinnia Yossarian, Adrienne herself, some madman, Christelle Zyryanov, etc. Absolutely no one was betting on some insane vizier from a hitherto unknown country. The person holding the pot is now said to be mulling whether to give it to the one who bet on Gruenberger Grand Vizier Mikkolic Weltin (who although not so nuts, is a vizier), or Oskar Feldstein (who although not a vizier, is rather ... yeah, you get it).
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Kenny
King of California
Admin
President donates beloved 'Snuffy' to National Zoo

PARADISE CITY --- Not long ago, Omigodtheykilledkenny's most famous Klollen had to subsist on a diet consisting almost entirely of Manuelo Fernanda's leftovers. That might have been fine when it was just a baby, but Snuffy, who has now swelled to roughly the size of a small elephant, has naturally developed a much heftier appetite.

In recent months the cub has begun to attack visitors to Frowning Street, mistaking them for meals. "No one minded when he occasionally munched on a lawyer or an accountant, or even a Liberal member of Congress," said the president's assistant Andrew. "It wasn't until he ate one of Empress Jhessan's beach-volleyball buddies that we thought there might be a problem."

And Snuffy's hunger for human flesh was not the only thing that troubled Frowning Street staffers. The Klollen, who had been raised like a puppy and was completely unaware of its own size and strength, regularly made disaster areas out of corridors while playing fetch, and even crashed through walls when being called for dinner. "Also, no one in Yelda told us an adolescent Klollen can easily produce ten pounds of waste a day," Andrew added angrily. "Those jerks."

But the president reportedly had strong objections to giving his pet away, so Frowning Street had to wait until he was properly distracted before making the necessary arrangements. Luckily, Fernanda was scheduled for a "playdate" with Jhessan that week, so staffers eagerly contacted the local zoological society.

Now Snuffy lives in a simulated swamp at the National Zoo, happily snacking on compliance gnomes ten times a day. "Eh, it's not like they have a 'World Assembly' to report back to anymore," shrugged a zookeeper.

Photojournalists caught Fernanda bidding Snuffy goodbye the day he was transferred to the zoo (the Klollen, not the president). Cameras filmed the Destructor tearfully hugging the animal's snout and telling him to be a good boy. For this unscripted display of emotion, Fleurdelisia's voters awarded the president a win in their state primary, which he had been expected to lose.

Asked to comment on the scene outside the zoo, Fernanda's primary opponent Judge Sandy Schweitzer observed disdainfully, "What a fucking wimp."

Schuttean ambassador becomes YouTube sensation

SUMMIT CITY --- She may be a low-level diplomat from a country no one's heard of, but overnight Thea LaRousse has become the most YouTubed woman in the Federal Republic.

In just one week, the popular site for geeks with nothing better to do with their lives than upload Web videos of themselves humping furniture reports 260,000 hits on a clip from the TV political drama "World Assembly," wherein LaRousse reproves a fellow ambassador for showing disrespect.

LaRousse, who runs the most successful chain of brothels in a tiny country called "SchutteGod," was recently appointed her nation's ambassador to the WA. But in her first week on the job, during a debate over whether WA members should spit or swallow when orally pleasing Kandarin, some unfortunate schlub from an unnamed nation made the mistake of calling LaRousse "Ambassador."

"Do me a favor," the woman indignantly replied, "could you call me 'Madam' instead of 'Ambassador'? It's just that I worked so hard to get that title, so I'd appreciate it, thank you."

"That's some funny shit!" read one comment from hornydude_95, who has uploaded nearly 500 videos to the site.

Jhessan wins magazine poll for 'best rack in the region'

THORINGRAD --- The empress of The Palentine has beaten out the vice president for Best Rack in the Region, at least according to a Kennylife reader poll.

Jhessan's goods were favored by 52% of readers who phoned in their responses to the lifestyle magazine this week, according to the editors. Vice President Morgan, meanwhile, got 46%. Other mentions from respondents included Princess Jianna, her sister (the hot one, whatever her name is), Lori Jiffjeff, Major Gunns, Velma Wong, Elizabeth Cutler-Newington, and Jinella Agaranth, who doesn't even live in the region.

The survey claims to settle the famous feud between the two regional leaders over whose bust is the best. Both insist the other has had work done, and Morgan even called for a Senate investigation into the matter. (The results were inconclusive.)

The empress could not be happier with the results. "I have to congratulate the men and the butch women of Omigodtheykilledkenny," she told reporters during the recent funeral for her fallen beach-volleyball pal. "They have excellent taste!"

The losers of the poll, however, are not so pleased. Cutler-Newington objected that her country doesn't even have television yet, and all the magazines featuring her spreads are 70 years old, "so how could most of the voters even know who I am?" Agaranth playfully told Kennylife that if she lived in Antarctic Oasis, "I would have beaten Jiffjeff hands-down!" Jiffjeff condemned the poll as "a heathenistic display of hormonal naughtiness," adding, "and mine are totally better than Jinella's."

For her part, Morgan has accused the magazine of fraud. Following days of rioting in the streets of major cities by the vice president's supporters, Kennylife editors finally admitted that "a large number" of votes all came from the same Frowning Street phone number, all for Jhessan, and all sounding like President Fernanda using different voices each time. But the magazine insists those calls were not enough to affect the results, and refuses to hold another poll.
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Kenny
King of California
Admin
[OOC: Some new news stories from the latest issue of the Picayune, out this week. Be kind and upvote the dispatch! We're not a big gameplay region that automatically gets 100 votes for every post. Thanks. :captspauld:]

Controversy surrounds AO's reaching out to like-minded regions

GEHINNEHEM, Lois-Must-Die --- In a move being blasted by some residents as "way too nice," "borderline fluffy," and "just plain suck-upish," the Antarctic Oasis Department of Foreign Affairs announced that the region would suspend its usual saber-rattling against peaceful countries and railing ceaselessly against the tyranny of the World Assembly, in order to engage in some (rather uncharacteristic) interregional diplomacy.

Under the new plan, four new embassies with other regions would be constructed, and the extant relationship with Osiris would be cemented via opening an official consulate in their diplomatic forum.

"Frankly, I'm against it," griped the lone charge d'affairs still working at the foreign affairs department. He took a break from snorting crack-cocaine laced with gunpowder off his desk to add: "Do you realize just annoying it is to trek out to the Ceremonial South Pole and plant another flag every time we make friends with some other region? It's not an easy trip, there's little freaks from the Evil Smurfs and N00biana you have to worry about out there, and it's colder than an Ardchoillean witch's tit, really."

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The plan has also generated concern from some residents of the regions to be coddled. Apparently Osiran officials balked at the idea of closer relations with Antarctic Oasis, a few of whose residents supported (in the ironic, "this is too funny" sense, at least) the 2013 coup against the former government of Osiris.

"Man, the Dourians have been extinct for almost half a year now, yet they still come back to haunt us!" commented a Kennyite State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Apparently that old broken down mansion we had transferred the site of the former city of Douria wasn't good enough for them; their ghosts still have to hang around this crazy place."

Other regions slated for embassy construction have not raised much of a protest...yet. Catholic (home of the never-uncontroversial Christian Democrats) informed Antarctic Oasis that they normally only align themselves with other Catholic regions, but since Antarctic girls were kinda cute, and they'd like to get their numbers, they'd start a vote on whether to open relations anyway. Forest -- which boasts in spades a certain commodity that many Antarctic nations obviously lack -- has already polled its residents, to a positive result. The construction of embassies between those two regions will be completed soon. Glass Gallows has also exchanged embassies. The New Warsaw Pact, which requested embassies four years ago, is still considering the Antarctic offer.


His Dooziness still missing, Generalissimo Francos Spain still dead

The 'BURGH, The Palentine --- After Emperor Captain Spaulding I vanished without a trace last year, numerous theories about what happened to him have been batted around, but few actionable leads have surfaced. Unsubstantiated stories ranging from a palace raid by Xt'Tap jihadis to an alien abduction to the terrifying prospect of a new Antigone Morgan movie have all been covered by the press, but Imperial Security has remained mum on the details. Now K-SPAN is breathing new life into the scandal with a sensational new documentary expose, "His Dooziness: The Real Story," to be aired sometime this summer.

According to the Kennyite public-affairs network, Susa Batko-Yovino, the terrorist who has blown up the World Assembly on several occasions, is actually one of the emperor's many secret love children, and now Batko-Yovino's older sister Susannah (incidentally, also the Kennyite ambassador to the imperial court) is demanding that His Dooziness pay up, lest some unfortunate photographs ever see the light of day.

Specifics about the ambassador's dossier on the emperor are scarce, but rumors abound that they include snapshots of His Dooziness yucking it up and playing golf with Iron Felix, a known COMMUNIST; another of Spaulding munching on popcorn while actually ENJOYING an Antigone Morgan flick; and yet another of him drinking champagne while flirting with the ambassador herself -- which is somewhat taboo considering she is supposedly his stepdaughter.

The palace, again, has refused comment, except to say that the emperor's incestuous run-in, even if true, would have been completely legal under international law, and that His Dooziness, a diehard Iron City™ fan, would never drink champagne. Empress Jhessan's response, however, was a bit more pointed, when she made a trip to WA Headquarters just to kick a K-SPAN film crew's ass.
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