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| Zarquon Triumphant! | |
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| Topic Started: May 10 2012, 10:43 AM (249 Views) | |
| Kenny | May 10 2012, 10:43 AM Post #1 |
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King of California
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'It's the end of the World Assembly as we know it...' [align=center] ![]() "Mister Anderson..." Sintar Maxem reacts to news of his victory in the AO primaries.[/align] PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- In a terrifying portent of things to come, Sintar Maxem of Zarquon Froods was declared the winner of the Antarctic Oasis Delegate Primaries on Wednesday. But even as joyous celebrations rang out in nations across the Antarctic, regional leaders were left to ponder the meaning of the results, in which a convicted terrorist actually won nearly a third of the apportioned Delegate Votes. Maxem finished the primary contests with 1,557 votes, a solid majority, but Susa Batko-Yovino, an inmate in a Kennyite military prison, unexpectedly surged into a strong second-place finish, with 940. A shift of just 309 votes, and Antarctic Oasis would have elected a terrorist psychopath as its delegate -- as opposed to the ordinary, run-of-the-mill psychopath it did elect. To some, the Batko-Yovino surge is a sign that the region's leaders are losing touch. "This signifies widespread discontent with the leadership in the region," said former Kennyite Vice President Antigone Morgan. "And with an asshole like Manuelo calling the shots, why wouldn't the voters be dissatisfied, really?" "The Kennyites promised hope and change," opined one clueless Jeniac, who refused to give her name. "Instead we got a bunch of whining about what some dude in the WA said about them. Well, who cares if Fidel Castro thinks they're out-of-touch geezers who don't understand how the WA has changed? At least Susa gave us some laughs, so I agree with Big Bertha's decision to give him all our votes." South Jenstown was one of the nations Batko-Yovino carried. Others in the region believe the results reflect not so much a dissatisfaction with leadership as a dissatisfaction with the choices. "Once Henrik and the General backed out of the race, Zarquon Froods was the only credible candidate left," said current Kennyite Vice President Sammy Faisano. "People at Frowning Street were calling this 'Zarquon and the Seven Dwarves'...except you know, there weren't seven of them, and one of them can't help being short -- he's just a skull! -- and..." Still a third faction attributes the surprising showing for a terrorist to the fact that the "primaries" were just a string of silly contests that had nothing to do with the candidates' ability to do the job. The only partly relevant task was in Retired WerePenguins, where contenders were asked to write a proposal. Maxem won that contest and four others, including the one in his home state, where he got the nod by ignoring the actual contest -- building a model for low-income housing -- and just blowing up a boat with dozens of homeless people on board. (Leaving some region residents to wonder which candidate was the real terrorist, frankly.) Similar to American primary elections, nations in Antarctic Oasis were entitled to a number of "Delegate Votes" to be allocated however the nation's leaders deemed fit. Instead of traditional elections or caucuses, however, most nations forced the candidates to compete in various physical challenges to win votes. Such contests included trials-by-ordeal in Aundotutunagir (which Maxem won), a prison riot in Antarctic Snefaldia (which Krioval "won"), and a defenestration-fest in Robin Sparkles, where Murray the Evil Skull won, but an angry Batko-Yovino to demand a recount. "Murray only defenestrated two people; I defenestrated TWENTY, plus a flaming skull!" the "insurgent" claimed. "I don't care how many fruity gemstones that adds up to in Robin Sparkles Land -- in real-world mathematics, that means I win, bitches!" But Batko-Yovino bounced back in The Palentine, mostly because everyone else was seemingly too intimidated to respond to Empress Jhessan's test of wits. Jhessan's decision to award all 600 of Palentine's votes to Batko-Yovino was the main factor in the terrorist leader's second-place ranking -- and Kennyite Secretary of State Jack Riley's sudden announcement that The Palentine and South Jenstown's backing of an Xt'Tap radical deemed them both "terrorist-sympathizer states" who warranted "a much tougher hand" in diplomatic dealings. For the record, Empress Jhessan heartily endorsed Riley's suggestion. "If he means Manuelo should start playing rough with me more often, I'm definitely game," she said with a grin. In the end, however, there was no contest, as Maxem enjoyed a wide lead in Delegate Votes throughout the primary campaign. He might have been given more of a run for his money had the incumbent, Henrik Sogard of Krioval, campaigned more actively for the post, but a political crisis in his home nation prevented him from doing so. Sogard garnered just 84 votes in the primaries, finishing fourth and earning Krioval the somewhat dubious distinction as the first incumbent Delegate to lose a bid for re-election. But Krioval's record as the longest-serving Delegate in the region's history balances that out. Krioval has served since April 2010. Zarquon Froods is a record-breaker in its own right, it turns out, being the only nation to compete for the Delegateship three times. (The first two times were in 2007 and 2008.) While little is known personally about Maxem, the Froods' mysterious spy-master and the region's new delegate-in-office, plenty is known about his boss, Emperor Zarquon. And by "plenty," we mean "probably too much." Zarquon's 2010 autobiography, "My Life Among Crazy People," reads in parts like a seedy love novel, leading some Kennyite booksellers to relegate it to the adult section when it first came out. But those dust-collecting volumes will be likely upgraded to the bestseller shelves in the coming days, as readers across the region clamor for more information about their new WA leader. Polls in Omigodtheykilledkenny show a warm regard among voters for their new delegate, with 47% approving of the region's decision to elect Maxem. Maxem's personal approval rating stands at 53%, with 23% of male voters in particular citing his "excellent tips for picking up chicks," 25% favoring his "guide to achieving greater sexual pleasure," and 34% drooling appreciatively over "all those hot photo spreads of half-naked girls." Though at this point we're relatively sure they were talking about the magazine. |
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11:35 AM Jul 11