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Kennyites to mark AO Day 2012
Topic Started: May 21 2012, 11:19 AM (241 Views)
Kenny
King of California
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Nation's capital plans for lively, if low-key, Antarctic Oasis Day

PARADISE CITY --- Antarctic Oasis Day is popular all across the region, but few national celebrations marking the event could possibly outmatch those in Omigodtheykilledkenny, which are sometimes so exuberant they threaten to outshine even the nation's independence day bash on February 11 (which is really just a bunch of drunk college kids dressed as tribal warriors wedgying each other, but anyway...). That's expected to change this year, as AO Day organizers respond to increasing security concerns.

Last year, impromptu street celebrations got so noisy and rowdy, Xt'Tap suicide bombers thought to use the loud booming of street fireworks as cover for their planned attacks. Police this week are urging citizens to confine their private celebrations to their homes and backyards, to prevent more terrorist strikes.

Interestingly enough, however, it is not the safety of the celebrants authorities are so worried about -- but the safety of the insurgents themselves. Because, while dangerous and fanatical and deeply committed to their violent cause, Xt'Tap natives are also Kennyites, and therefore complete idiots, so more often than naught their self-detonations go horribly awry.

In 2011, more Xt'Tap terrorists were injured by fireworks, flying bullets, speeding cars, street brawlers, even stampedes, than by the explosives strapped to their torsos. One or two insurgents' burn injuries were made worse still as vigilant citizens, who were only trying to help, immediately doused their charring flesh with fire extinguishers.

"We may not agree with their batshit-crazy beliefs, but we still have a duty to protect these morons from themselves," said Paradise City Police Chief Barry Watson.

The annual parade marching down Van Diesel Road (past Embassy Row) and back up Frowning Street (past the city's Green Zone) will still go on, but it won't be five miles long as in previous years, as fewer groups have been invited to participate. Murray the Evil Skull has been named this year's Oozing Purple Penguin of Power, or Grand Marshal, and the WA delegations for Krioval and Zarquon Froods have also been invited to send contingents. "But for God's sake make sure you never leave your specially provided bulletproof limos," an event organizer sternly warned. "Kennyites do not take kindly to scummy foreigners spoiling their fun."

And in a partial retreat from previous years, the Kennyite military only plans on destroying the ecosystems of one or two small islands with unauthorized nuclear tests, as opposed to the usual archipelago. "This year we're thinking of doing it off the coast of Glen-Rhodes," said Navy Adm. Jerome Juarez. "Or possibly Quelesh. Though at this point we could probably nuke the whole damn country and it wouldn't stop their habeas corpus rampage."

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AO Day fireworks light up the sky over Thoringrad, May 22, 2011.[/align]
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Retired WerePenguins
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Professional Sushi Eater
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Antarctic Oasis Day Celebrations in Retired WerePenguins – Painted People, Sushi and Baseball

DUMONT D’URVILLE – The Nifty Fraternity of Retired WerePenguins celebrated Antarctic Oasis Day with a strange montage of parades and events that seemingly bore no relationship whatsoever to the general meaning of the celebration, to the general nature of life in the Antarctic continent, or even to each other.

The day started with the “Parade of Paint” where the participants, wearing nothing but outfits painted on themselves, paraded down the grand concourse of Dumont D’Urville, led by the Chair Officers of Retired WerePenguins whose painted outfits were all formal tuxedos. Following them were a dizzying assortment of painted costumes worn by both men and women. Upon reaching the end of the parade route, the Chair Officers, RWPO Sara Blonde, RWPO Robert Red, RWPO Betty Black, and RWPO James Blonde proceeded to judge and award the persons with the best costumes.

Since no celebration in Retired WerePenguins can be complete without sushi, the annual decent of Sushi in her Shoe followed. Sushi, a former transvestite tourist, (he is still a transvestite, but he is now a third class citizen,) climbed aboard the “Emerald Shoe” suspended on the second floor of the Bourbon Street Pub before slowly descending down to the street below, signalling another year of Antarctic Oasis madness was approaching.

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Once down on solid ground he gave the customary Antarctic Oasis Day speech and was given a certificate of appreciation by Faithful Navigator Sara Blonde, still dressed in only a painted tuxedo. This followed by the actual consumption of sushi and sake along with the mock military exercises that included retired officers wearing only painted military uniforms and super soakers.

The day ended with a game of baseball between the Dumont D’Urville Dodgers and the Emerald City Green Sox. The ladies played a fantastic game but unfortunately the Green Sox defeated the Dodgers by a score of 3 to 2. The grounds crew, on the other hand, won their annual award for their Y.M.C.A. dance.

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