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You mean I just got lucky with a...BLEARGH!!!
Topic Started: Jun 8 2013, 11:32 AM (190 Views)
Kenny
King of California
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WerePenguins extort themselves into Delegate's chair

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I think we've finally figured out what this flag of theirs is supposed to be portraying: apparently
it's NOT a recreation of Washington Crossing the Delaware by gay historical reenactors. It's a sneak-attack
by werepenguin special forces trying to steal the keys to the Delegate's office. Good show!
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PARADISE CITY --- It may have taken them a few times, but Retired WerePenguins have finally gotten their hands something they've relentlessly coveted for years: the Delegateship of Antarctic Oasis.

The news -- announced by Frowning Street Saturday -- came as quite a shock to the region at large, at least to the people paying attention (as an intense wave of apathy has apparently swept across the ice shelves of late). Most leaders were probably too preoccupied with releasing loud explosions, cackling toxic fumes across the borders to neighboring countries, ogling maniacally, and setting off the Thessadorian Ambassador to care. ...No wait -- that was supposed to be SETTING OFF loud explosions, RELEASING toxic fumes...aw, the hell with it! The point is, no one was watching.

And that turned out to be the exact right time for the WerePenguins to hatch their evil scheme to install themselves in power.

"We're tired of playing fair and putting up a clean fight all the time," an aid to former Ambassador Flash Blonde was reported to have said. "After three tries -- or is this four? -- four tries at this...or maybe it was five? Anyway, we thought it was about time we fought on the same level as all the other assholes who have competed for the job: with dirty tricks, underhanded plots and unscrupulous deals. Yes, it's time we finally did this the Antarctian Way."

And it appears to have worked: twelve hours, four werepenguin spies dressed as hookers, eighteen "private dances" given at WAHQ, twenty-one incriminating photographs showing Kennyite officials in compromising positions, six critical minutes in which the spies had to quickly phase to penguin form and swim to rendezvous by way of the Palentine dolphin tank, and fourteen officials rushing to the bathroom to retch violently over the toilet later, President Faisano called Brenda White...or was it Reeta Orange?...Alline Creamcolor?...Fanny-Burnt-Sienna-with-Fluorescent-Green Polka-dots? -- whoever it is that's serving as Faithful Navigator nowadays -- and told her it was time to deal.

Critics of the werepenguins duplicitous tactics -- apparently forgetting what region they were in -- actually had the nerve to call their plot a subversion of democracy. "This is an outrage," Kennyite Ambassador to Gruenberg Amanda Huggenkiss (or whatever her name is) is quoted as saying. "It flies in the face of fair play and honest dealing, and it's all too typical of the tyrannical Fernanda/Faisano regime. It's time we had free and fair elections in the Antarctic Oasis region."

But Amanda had to call short her news conference when reporters wouldn't stop laughing at her ridiculous assertion.

Other leaders in the region didn't seem quite so invested in the selection process.

"Why the fuck are you bothering me about this Delegate bullshit NOW?!" demanded an irate Trey Dreizehn as he climbed off what at first appeared to be a startled polar bear, and later turned out to be a Karmicarian in a sexy eskimo costume. "Get the fuck out of my igloo--er, office!"

"Retired WerePenguins won the Regional Delegateship fair and square," Kennyite Secretary of State Jack Riley said -- nervously, robotically and seemingly under duress -- while meeting with reporters outside WAHQ recently. "There's absolutely no need to contact anyone in our WA offices. No one was compromised. And certainly no one had to be rushed to the emergency room to treat severe illness brought on by the realization that they'd just had sex with an Adelie penguin. Thank you."

When confronted about the scandal, Flash Blonde told a reporter, "Shut the fuck up."
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DUMONT D’URVILLE – Given all of the recent scandals plaguing the First Officers of Retired WerePenguins, the news that the nation had managed to secure the delegate position for the Antarctic Oasis region was considered welcome news by press secretary Jay Blonde, who no longer had to duck behind the podium while the press threw pots of half-melted cheese.

Between the recent bombing of the embassy in a nameless country, the targeting of Green Tea Patriot Groups by the IRS, and the revelation of a data mining operation in orbit that was attached to some advanced computer system which some say was about to become sentient, the rumors that this victory was actually a coup staged by past Faithful Navigators and their husbands seemed almost like welcome news.

“Faithful Navigator Betty Black would like to thank the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny for this exceptionally great honor. Now that James Blonde has managed to mysteriously appear in the World Assembly Headquarters I am sure that he will represent the nation and the region with honor and dignity; and there is no truth to the rumor that the police have orders to arrest him on sight should he return to Retired WerePengins,” Jay Blonde replied to the international press.

James Blonde did not take any questions, no matter how well enthused the reporters of Faux News and the recently created “I’m on Fire” Network waved their hands. Rumors that Faithful Navigator Betty Black had attempted to remove James Blonde from the chair officers and place him in the delegate’s position to be perpetually trapped by a strange temporal loop that appeared on the island where the delegate competition was taking place were not directly commented on. Sources in the administration suggest that James Blonde might, in fact, be working on a coup.
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DUMONT D’URVILE – Radio talk show host and owner of the “I’m on Fire” network Glenn Blonde was speechless over the selection of James Blonde as Delegate for the Antarctic Oasis region. Technically, this was due to a medical problem with his vocal chords. Never the less he managed to give a five minute monologue using only cue cards on his network TV broadcast.

Considering that Betty Black often only reads off of cue cards, his action was seen as a stark contrast to the current administration. His two assistants, Pat and Stewed, however were more than happy to talk at length about it on the radio.

“The World Assembly,” Pat insisted, “is clearly an attempt to establish a world Caliphate under the leadership of Cluichstan!” When Stewed pointed out that the nation technically no longer exists, Pat replied, “Well, how do we know? It might be invisible! One day when you least expect it, it might suddenly appear in Osiris or something!”

One thing is certain, however, the “I’m on fire” network is clearly insane.
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