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| Kenny nabs Death Star, but fears Cute One's wrath | |
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| Topic Started: Sep 8 2014, 01:02 PM (108 Views) | |
| Kenny | Sep 8 2014, 01:02 PM Post #1 |
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King of California
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Screwy diplomats warn Cute One may spoil Kennyites' Death Star party [align=center] ![]() Kennyites apparently found the keys to the Flibbleites' Death Star underneath a pile of used Muppets.[/align] WA HEADQUARTERS --- Kennyite diplomats to the General Assembly claim to have successfully pulled off a heist to wrest control of the infamous Death Star away from the dormant Flibbleites, but other government officials worry that divine intervention might rain on their world-domination parade. National Security Adviser Capt. Jenny Chiang says she recently received the coveted keys to the old Death Star from her, uh, "captive," "Ambassador" Susa Batko-Yovino, who apparently led the raid on Bob Flibble's offices to find the keys. "Some people might suspect that if we let a lunatic like Susa get his hands on the keys to a weapon like the Death Star, we'd never hear from him again," said Chiang, "but I have my ways of winning his loyalty!" She chuckled evilly. "Like promising never to torture him again if he ran off without telling me," she added, under her breath, as though nearby reporters couldn't hear her. "Don't you mean you WOULD torture him if he ran off without telling you?" asked a confused reporter. Chiang looked up with a gaze not unlike a deer caught in the headlights. "I know what I said," she muttered angrily, stalking off. Aids to Capt. Chiang assured reporters that what she MEANT to say was that winning control of the Star may have been a rough task -- apparently Batko-Yovino had to sneak around a sleeping guard of chocobos in order to locate the keys, beneath a massive pile of what can only be described as used Muppets (missing the essential hands up their asses) and dried-out 17-pound trouts -- but that the Kennyites were ready to wield their new power to bring "order" to the chaotic General Assembly. But new power brings with it new worries, as the job now falls upon Kennyite diplomats to insist to GA fluffies that they do TOO have a Death Star, and will not hesitate to use it if they do not get their way on key votes -- including a repeal they've been drafting in secret for weeks, but dare not bring it up now... "Some nitpicking rules-lawyers may try to point out that theft doesn't make the Death Star legally ours," said WA mission official George Brown. "But I think we can convince them as to the validity of our case once we blow up their precious Planet Alderaan! Heh-heh...just as soon as we figure out how the controls work." Yes, it appears the Kennyites have hit another snag in their reckless quest for global supremacy: no one in the Kennyite military has anywhere near the technological know-how to operate a massive, ultra-advanced interstellar weapon/space station -- particularly one that has been out of use for some time (it has not been seen in action since blowing up the WA Space Research Station in 2011), and may require billions of dollars in upkeep before it's back in working order. Yet spokespersons for the Kennyite Armed Forces contend they will eventually work it all out, and have even been in secret consultations with Yeldan scientists on how to blow up a peaceful, weaponless planet. [align=center] ![]() Kennyite scientists pledge their Death Star will augur in a new Reign of Technological Terror at the World Assembly...as soon as they figure out how the controls work.[/align] But some members of the World Assembly are having none of it. "Don't be too proud of this technological terror the Kennyites have constructed," a Kawaiian nekomusume could be overheard snorting in the Strangers' Bar after Chiang announced she had the Death Star keys. "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Cute One." "Wait, wait, wait! Did someone mention the Cute One?" a suddenly frightened Secretary of State Jack Riley asked reporters. "That just brings up all kinds of new problems!" When reporters only laughed at his odd contention, Riley went on: "No, no, it's true! I was ambassador to the Eternal Kawaii! I've seen it! The power of their insane deity is terrible and awesome, and he sure as hell doesn't like new technologies designed to destroy! I tell you one thing, all the disbelievers sure had a big wake-up call when the evil Lord Gojira emerged from the waters and started smashing everything in sight!" The reporters were rolling on the floor in hysterics as Riley tried to explain his new plan to patrol nearby mountains to make sure the Sanrio Kittens didn't descend from them with an appetite for destruction, and also the oceans in case Lord Gojira awoke from his nap, and just to be on the safe side, shrines to the Cute One on the off-chance of another zombie-critter attack. "SHUT UP!!!!" the secretary fumed at his incredulous audience. "Once the Death Star makes me Supreme Lord and Master of the Known Universe, you are so BANISHED!!" |
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11:35 AM Jul 11