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2014 - the Kennyite Year in Review!
Topic Started: Jan 2 2015, 01:26 PM (112 Views)
Kenny
King of California
Admin
Despite not making very many international headlines last year, Kennyites this week assured a weary world that they do still exist, and as though that realization wasn't terrifying enough, the Picayune released a series of news stories covering the goings-on in the nation in 2014. From pop music to politics, the blurbs chronicle a motley assortment of the typical-but-never-boring shenanigans in everyone's favorite anarcho-corporatist-psychopathic regime. Early reactions to the reports appear to be mixed. "I think I need a drink," an ambassador from a prominent WA member state said upon reading them. "I need ten," chimed in another diplomat. ("Ten? I drink that many before breakfast!" naturally scoffed The Palentine's Horatio Sulla.)

Jack Riley's plan to declare war on World Assembly backfires

PARADISE CITY --- The Kennyite secretary of state "surrendered" to the World Assembly in November, after a series of saber-rattling statements (and an opportunistic siege of the WA's most feared battle station) intended to cow the international organization into submission.

"Our plan to rejoin the family of nations and talk some sense into them has turned out be a complete and utter failure," Sec. Riley explained, announcing his nation's re-retirement from General Assembly legislating. "Oh sure, if it's unborn children, even viable late-term fetuses, Assembly members can't trample on their rights fast enough, but God forbid anyone denigrate the freedom of space aliens to score with their Grandmas! And let's not forget the idiot Security Council's mania to commend/condemn/repeal/replace/wild-card us at every possible opportunity! Exactly what is the purpose of that stupid Council anyway?! It makes no sense! We've had enough! We're done!"

(Reporters covering the speech at the State Department could swear they heard the sounds of applause issuing from nearby embassies of WA nations after that last remark.)

WA reactions to Kennyite provocations have been largely muted, like when President Faisano conquered Mars just to gloat about the WA's newfound inability to do anything about it, and got only yawns from Secretariat member Ardchoille. But the WA's casual brush-aside of the Federal Republic's proposal to repeal the world body's infamous Infanticide Legality Convention (hilariously dubbed "Reproductive Freedoms" by its supporters) was the eventual "straw that broke the camel's back" prompting the Kennyites to give up, according to State Department sources.

Government endorses plan to thwart alien invasion force

SAN ANDREAS, Santa Califia --- As a result of the government's failure to heed Congress' past urgent warnings about the threats posed by foreign pop idols, the Faisano Administration in May asserted that Kennyite society was being imperiled by the contagion of "boybands of mass destruction" from other countries, and that it would take drastic steps to counter their continued proliferation.

"The popularity of these groups has reached near-pandemic proportions," was the grim pronouncement of Defense Secretary Karen Greene. "They're just so freakin' ANNOYING! If we don't do something about them now, it may be too late."

Such menaces to the nation include No Direction, a Cobdenian quintet whose members are always dressed as World War II reenactors for some reason; The Goatboys, a quartet of Gruenberger lads who claim they were expelled from their homeland by Attorney General Lori Jiffjeff for "indecent displays of long eyelashes and shaggy hair"; The Recruits, a five-member, sexually ambiguous boygroup from Alqania; and a harmonic trio who claim to be "Ursines" from Bears Armed but appear to be merely young men wearing bear costumes, and who go by the brazenly innuendo-laced name "Bear Love."

"It's gotten to the point where we can't even turn on the radio anymore without being bombarded by their cheesy, nonthreatening music," said a high-placed source in the Justice Department. "Our daughters don't want to think about anything else but running away with them and having their babies, and frankly, it's going to seriously undermine their attempts to land a good husband later in life. It'll wreak havoc on our future fertility rates."

"Frankly, I don't think Ms. Jiffjeff went far enough when she supposedly deported the Goatboys," opined Home Secretary Betty Freedman. "We need to firebomb them as a terrifying example to all the other boybands seeking to ravage our fair nation. OHHHHHHH!! Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?!"

Talk about a 'lame-duck' session...

PARADISE CITY --- The outgoing Liberal Party-dominated Congress, handily defeated by Conservatives in the 2013 elections, apparently elected to take the meaning of the term "do-nothing Congress" to dizzying new heights on their way out the door this past January. But rather than simply sit around and do nothing (like your regular, run-of-the-mill do-nothing Congress), the bicameral body decided to pass a number of high-profile resolutions about it.

These include the Bitch About the Banks Act of 2014, which like the title does a lot of bitching about the stupid banks and their alleged corruption and dirty dealings, but does precisely dick about them, roughly amounting to all that left-leaning politicians across the world have actually done to roll back the corruption of banks during the past six or seven years.

Another bill to add to the pile of embarrassment: the Black Lives Matter Act (also called the "Burn This Bitch Down!" Act), which calls for the Rev. Al Sharpton to be parachuted in to the scene of every racial controversy throughout the nation, no matter how ridiculous or insignificant its impact would really have. The "law" serves to underline the meaninglessness of certain protest slogans, for it also mandates that political leaders and celebrities bemoan the fact that their children -- whether real or hypothetical -- could be next in the police's seemingly never-ending struggle to shoot as many minority youths as possible, even if said leaders and celebrities live in affluent suburbs where their children are much more likely to be devoured by a Grue than shot by anyone, police or civilian. Finally, the act requires that activists only express anger over the murder of suspected criminals who actually give authorities reason to shoot them, never any innocent youths killed by members of their own race for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"It would really undermine our campaign against cops who are only doing their jobs if we point out that there are legitimate reasons for them to police certain neighborhoods so heavily," said Liberal Rep. Shirley Jackson of Kennsylvania.

"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves," replied the disciple Matthew, 2,000 years in advance.

Author of beloved children's books refuses to shut up, gets a bit sleazy

SUMMIT CITY, Thorland --- The creator of the widely read and admired Charlie Porter children's books -- about a young vampire who attends a school for young monsters -- has made dozens and dozens of revelations about the fantastical world in which her novels are set, in a seemingly never-ending stream of tweets and blogposts.

R.S. Cowley -- who continues the unfortunate literary tradition of writers named after letters of the alphabet -- also opened the Web site "Charliewood" for fans of the series, where many of her disclosures appeared. Some of these mind-blowing reveals: the school Charlie Porter attended actually contained (gasp!) some Jewish and Muslim students (not a far cry when one considers that there are probably billions of Jews and Muslims in the NS world), that werewolf Headmaster Slumberhorn was transsexual (except you wouldn't know it from all the fur), that Charlie was not only gay but probably "experimented" with his best friend Won, that their friend Harmony Ranger's amazing smarts are deemed even more impressive when one considers that underneath her makeup she was a mindless zombie (albeit a "high-functioning" one, per Rowley's tweet on the subject), that villain-turned-hero Professor Slake was probably sexually attracted to trees despite his quasi-asexual persona, that the author of the series is actually a relentless attention-whore, and that what Charlie and Harmony were secretly doing behind the bushes while Won watched was actually -- ugh.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!" tweeted President Faisano.

Then came a series of R-rated fan-fiction stories from a certain "JustinLuver44" on the Charliewood site, later revealed to be Cowley herself, containing some disturbing content. Quoth a commenter on Charliewood shortly after "JustinLuver's" identity was discovered: "We all realize Ms. Cowley is likely bored now that she has nothing more to write that people might actually read, but really? 'Professor Dudley Dips His Wand in Professor McConnelly's Cauldron'? 'Professor Slake and Headmaster Slumberhorn Cross Wands...Then Cross Swords'?! 'Charlie and His Nemesis Foulmoy Finally Break the Tension...in the Back of the Slogwards Express'?!? Her books are marvelous, but now it might be time for Ms. Cowley to find a hobby or something."

Finally, speaking of relentless publicity-whores...

Antigone Morgan really, really wants people to start paying attention to her again. After leaving her ceremonial post as "International Goodwill Ambassador" and her TV show "Antigone Morgan's Antarctica" was canceled after world leaders in the region threatened to impose sanctions on Omigodtheykilledkenny if she didn't stop visiting their countries for film shoots and "acting like an insufferable bitch the whole time," the ex-Veep has been hard-up for scoring headlines of late.

There was that brief flirtation with a run for Regional Delegate in February, until regional leaders put the contest on hold and thus imperiled her plans for a political comeback.

Then in July Morgan started an online video channel where viewers could tune in to see her rant about various political subjects, but the server that carried her site unexpectedly crashed and didn't come back up for weeks.

Then there was that neighborhood brawl involving Morgan and her boyfriend Lenny Betata while attending a friend's party in August, wherein the couple ended up storming off in a huff, swearing and carrying on, Beteta having lost his shirt. (It wouldn't be a redneck brawl without someone being hauled off shirtless.)

Finally, Morgan desperately contacted the topless magazine Juggs, informing them she was willing to bare all for their cameras, provided Palentine Empress Jhessan was game to jointly appear with her for a long-anticipated "Rack-Off" in the next issue's center spread. Jhessan would only respond to say that she was a mom now, and since she started nursing the twins her rack is considerably bigger, so Morgan best wait till the little ones were on the bottle "and we can have a fair fight."

President-in-exile Manuelo Fernanda also responded, to let Morgan and Jhessan know they were always welcome to hold a "rack-off" in his hut at Jhessan's Bouncy Beach Volleyball Court -- but that idea probably won't fly as Jhessan has never been one for sharing.
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