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| Retired WerePenguins State of the Nation 2015; or "Back in Black!" | |
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| Topic Started: Jan 10 2015, 01:48 PM (131 Views) | |
| Retired WerePenguins | Jan 10 2015, 01:48 PM Post #1 |
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Professional Sushi Eater
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![]() “Are you sure I have to wear this,” the rather annoyed Faithful Navigator asked the newly elected Faithful Pilot. “Absolutely, Worthy Navigator,” Faithful Pilot Christina Red Black replied, stroking back her exceptionally dark red hair. “The rules and regulations insist that the state of the nation address be given by the Faithful Navigator in the official retired officer’s uniform, although some modifications are to be allowed for stylistic interpretations of the formal outfit.” “How come you are still naked?” “I’m not giving the speech,” Christina insisted. “It’s bad enough we still have to wear uniforms for the regular session meetings. Besides this is for international television and, frankly, it’s not hot enough for pay per view.” “Why not,” fully clothed, Faithful Navigator Barbara Amisha Black asked back. “It’s political,” Christina replied. “Mind you, in the ancient days we got great ratings when the then Faithful Navigator popped her top, but that was a celebration, not a state of the nation speech and it was one of many interesting things that evening to draw ratings.” “I’m surprised she got any reaction at all with those pasty white things.” “Yes, Faithful Navigator,” Christina replied. “Yours are better, bigger and perfect.” “Black is beautiful, you know.” “You got that right.” Once Christina checked the working status of the teleprompter, she left the state and the live broadcast began. “Citizens of the Totally Naked Fraternity of Retired WerePenguins,” Barbara began. “As your newly elected Faithful Navigator, it is my pleasure to advise and make known to you the current state of our nation, as well as all the various initiatives that I plan on implementing in the upcoming years. Basically speaking, the state of the nation is …” Unfortunately, for most, of the citizens of Retired WerePenguins, that was all they heard of her. A naked (or so it was assumed as he was seated behind a desk) reporter broke into the address. “We interrupt this important state of the nation address for important news. A tragedy was averted at the extremely unofficial World Assembly Orbiting Station this morning. The station, which technically was not authorized by the World Assembly but was built assuming that the delegates would approve, was struck by an unknown object, possibly space junk from OMGTKK. The survivors were rescued, from of all things, by a strange old nuclear powered submarine under the flag of ‘Blue Booted Bobbies.’ The submarine, apparently equipped with something that is being called a ‘Gravitational Mass Displacement Drive,’ or GMDD for short, returned to the tropical island nation currently associated in the region of Texas. We now turn to our reporter who has the exclusive interview with Joseph King, the engineer who designed this drive and rescued the cosmonauts.” According to the TV survey system, this was apparently when everyone turned off the televisions since everyone in Blue Booted Bobbies were wearing clothes. |
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| Retired WerePenguins | Jan 26 2015, 01:28 PM Post #2 |
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Professional Sushi Eater
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Former First Husband of Retired WerePenguins Arrested for Child Molestation DUMONT D’URVILE – Former First Husband Robert Brown, husband of former Faithful Navigator Christine Red was arrested today and charged with a “plethora” of counts of child molestation. The allegations come from his frequent trips to a secret privately owned island owned by a known paedophile. Top national detective “Dick” Tracy Red described in detail to a shocked gathering of reporters the private plane records of Robert Brown back and forth to the island nation. Robert Brown, who had been nicknamed “Lots-a-loving” by the Secret Service, had been accused of sexual misconduct on numerous occasions, but in the past most of these allegations were brushed aside by the Christine Red administration and subsequent administrations. It was only under the leadership of Faithful Navigator Barbara Amisha Black that investigations were allowed to proceed. “I have two young daughters,” Barbara Amisha Black told reporters in an interview after the arrests were made. “And I do not want them endangered by this sexual pervert. I understand that at a recent award ceremony for girl scouts, the former first husband became ‘visibly excited.’ We can’t expose our youth to this!” Some suggest that the recent banishment of clothing has ‘exposed’ paedophiles and other sexual predators in more ways than one. Others have suggested that the whole “totally naked” laws have caused more trauma towards the nation’s youth than a few easily aroused males. “We are not going to change our laws on mandatory public nudity because of the actions of a few perverts who should be behind bars in the first place,” Barbara Amisha Black replied to a question about changing the nudity laws. “Previous administrations may have covered all this under the rug by a well meaning tax cut, but I believe in the sanctity of our elected officials and the integrity of our offices, even for husbands and wives of elected officials.” Even though, technically speaking, income tax is “unheard of” in this Antarctic nation; there was a general hope that there would be even further tax cuts. Former first husband Flash Blonde, who happens to be Robert Brown’s son in law, refused to comment. |
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| Retired WerePenguins | Feb 3 2015, 12:25 PM Post #3 |
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Professional Sushi Eater
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Chop it off? DUMONT D’URVILE – as the arrangement of Former First Husband Robert Brown on charges of sexually abusing a minor begins, the recent adoption of castration as a mandatory sentence for sex offenders is raising concerns that the first, first husband in the history of the frozen nation may become a counter tenor. A visibly nervous Robert Brown, wearing a large orange armband and handcuffs was escorted into court in order to hear the charges placed against him. Bail was denied because he was considered a flight risk, given the extreme punishment that will be applied should he be found guilty. The debate on whether or not the application of the punishment which was established after the alleged crime was committed but before either the trial or the sentencing is an ex post facto law has been the buzz of the major talk shows and the cable news networks. Rachael Mad Cow Brown, political commentator, author, television show host and wearer of the ugliest nerdy pair of eyeglasses the world has ever seen, expressed the liberal point of view when she said “Chop it off!” She insisted that the punishment fitted the crime quite nicely. Mark Loving It Red, lawyer and talk show host, sent mixed signals. “First of all everyone is innocent until proven guilty. But I don’t see why we are discussing whether or not this violates World Assembly bans on Ex Post Facto Laws. Who cares, about the World Assembly? We are not members of the World Assembly. As the great Aquilina Red, whose administration I once worked for, and who is the greatest navigator ever, once said, ‘Let the world assemble the way they want, but we assemble to the will of our own people, and no others.’” As a small group of protestors outside the court house with the banner, “Save Robert’s Balls,” battle with a larger group of protestors with the banner “Chop it off,” it is clear that this will be a banner year for news networks and talk radio. |
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