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The New Imperial Times: The Week in Review!
Topic Started: Jun 26 2017, 09:06 AM (100 Views)
TheImperialState
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THE NEW IMPERIAL TIMES WEEK IN REVIEW!
All the News the Emperor Sees Fit to Print!

Its been another crazy week in the glorious Jingoistic Warmonger of The Imperial State, and keeping up can be exhausting. Here's this week's most important news stories.



INN makes its first international broadcast!

NEW IMPERIAL CITY- In the 50 years of our parent organization's operation, we have never had a news broadcast go anywhere other than the Imperial State. But now, thanks to Emperor Thomas's efforts to further involve us in regional and international affairs, our fellow Antarctic nations can get quality news regarding our glorious nation! We hope our fellow Antarcticans enjoy our programming!

Diplomatic Coordinator Emily Reagan in hot water over sex scandal!

NEW IMPERIAL CITY- Well folks, our incompetent Diplomatic Coordinator is embroiled in yet another sex scandal! This time, the depraved diplomat was caught on tape whilst engaged in sexual relations with a multitude of indentured servants of both genders. Already, outrage over the tape is spreading throughout the leadership of the Imperialist Church. At a press conference, Warrior-Cardinal Desmond Tulane said "Once again, that little hottie... er I mean that Satanic degenerate Emily Reagan has disgraced God and Empire with her deliciously slutty behavior! I believe I speak on the behalf of my fellow Warrior-Cardinals and the Grand Imperial when I say that punishment is in order, which I will be happy to... personally administer. But only after these tapes are... studied extensively." In response to both the Cardinal's statements, and widespread accusations from the public that she behaves "like a sex toy with legs," Miss Reagan held a press conference where she stated "Everyone who's upset by this is just mad they can't get any! It's not my fault they're a bunch of ugly, uptight prudes! Although.... I do rather like the idea of Warrior-Cardinal Tulane.... personally punishing me. I don't know if you've heard ladies, but he's packing a tree trunk down there!" As of this time, the Emperor has not announced if Miss Reagan will be arrested under the Empire's strict decency laws, but it is likely. More on this story as it develops.

Real Housewife Gloria Papageorgio arrested by Imperial Inquisition!

NEW IMPERIAL CITY- At approximately 7:30 pm this past Friday well known attention whore, regular whore, and Real Housewife of New Imperial City Gloria Papageorgio was arrested by our glorious Inquisition. Her crime? Insulting the dress Princess Lindsay wore to a military ball. She was recorded on the show saying it was "So poofy it made her look like the goddamn Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!" Mrs. Papageorgio's comments sparked riots across the Imperial State, as crowds of God-fearing patriots were enraged that someone would insult the youngest child of our beloved Emperor. The Emperor himself held a press conference where he delivered the following statement, "My daughter's dress was beautiful, believe me! We had the Imperial State's greatest tailors make it! If that f*cking dumbass whore had a problem, she should have kept her trap shut! As is, I hope she told her latest husband and her kids goodbye because her ass is getting executed on Pay-Per-View folks! For a low fee of 10 Blood Diamonds, you can see this miserable waste of space done away with!" Our majority shareholder, the Dime Time Entertainment Group, would like to inform you that the Pay-Per-View execution of traitor Gloria Papageorgio, at 6pm EST Tuesday, is available to all Dime Time subscribers at a reduced price of 5 Blood Diamonds! Subscribe to Dime Time today!

Emperor orders Independence Day troop surge to urban centers, colonies.

NEW IMPERIAL CITY- This morning, the Emperor announced that he is ordering a massive troop surge to both our nation's major urban centers, and our colonies around the world, in anticipation of massive unrest and rioting on our all-powerful Empire's 100th birthday. When asked about his decision, the Emperor responded "Look, I understand that our population needs to cut loose! This is one of a few days where they aren't being worked to death for the continued prosperity of our nation! But, while I am more than happy for them to get drunk, eat grilled meats, and shoot fireworks and firearms, I don't want those hooligans screwing up my palace! Plus, those damn colonials usually try some asinine revolt, so may as well crush that before it happens." The heightened security will hopefully prevent rioting from occurring, but on the off chance it doesn't go to your nearest War-Mart and pick up GloboCorp's specialized Independence Day Anti-Riot Equipment set, for the low price of $599!
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TheImperialState
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THE NEW IMPERIAL TIMES WEEK IN REVIEW: INDEPENDENCE DAY SPECIAL!
All the News the Emperor Sees Fit to Print!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMPEROR THOMAS!

As we get ready and celebrate our nation's Independence Day tomorrow, today we also celebrate the 42nd birthday of our great Emperor, Defender of our Empire and Faith! This morning, cheering crowds thronged the streets of our great nation's cities, waving flags, holding portraits of the Emperor and his family, and chanting the national motto in His honor. The Emperor is expected to make an appearance at the birthday parade being held in New Imperial City, but will not be making a speech. Also, at 7pm EST tonight, the nation's TV networks will all be airing an exciting 30 minute tribute to the Emperor! The Inquisition "strongly advises" that all citizens tune in!

New Narcozona War-Mart Riot leaves 145 dead, 225 wounded

NEW NARCOZONA CITY, NARCOZONA- A riot in a New Narcozona City War Mart occurred yesterday, leaving 45 dead and 225 wounded. The riot was believed to have been incited by two men of Imperial Latin origin, who were arguing over the last roasted chicken. According to witnesses, tempers flared after one of the men said "your mother is a dog-faced puta," which began a fist fight. As the fist fight continued, the crowd of people who had gathered to watch the fight began heatedly arguing over who would win, inciting the riot at approx. 6:45 pm. The riot lasted 45 minutes, and saw citizens employ fists, brass knuckles, clubs, knives, and small arms against one another. The riot ended at 7:35, as local police and military forces employed chlorine gas and attack dogs to crush the disturbance. the 225 wounded survivors are receiving treatment and should recover fully.

Warrior-Cardinal Desmond Tulane under fire for Emily Reagan corporal punishment

NEW IMPERIAL CITY- As this newspaper reported last week, Warrior-Cardinal Tulane offered to punish Diplomatic Coordinator Emily Reagan for her sex tapes with "indentured servants," all of which violated Imperial decency laws, and laws governing servant citizen relations. This past Friday, as part of her plea deal, Reagan agreed to submit to a televised lashing at Tulane's hands. However, the planned event started off script, as Ms. Reagan appeared in black lingerie instead of the standard orange jumpsuit. From there, the event grew more bizarre, as the state sanctioned punishment took on "sexual overtones." Miss Reagan told the Warrior-Cardinal to quote, "hit me harder daddy," and that she was "a bad girl." For his part, Cardinal Tulane seemed to encourage her, and engaged in name calling to obscene for this paper to print. Afterwards, New Imperial City erupted into protests and mild rioting, as outraged citizens demanded "for that skank to be punished, not aroused!" The Council of Cardinals is now considering a vote to eject Tulane from the Council, and the Emperor has ordered Reagan be tried for more crimes against decency.

HAVE A SAFE INDEPENDENCE DAY!
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Kenny
King of California
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Imperials' sexual antics break TV viewing records, enrage feminists

PARADISE CITY (Town Crier) --- Public-affairs network K-SPAN's controversial decision to carry an Imperial state broadcast of the public humiliation of a young female diplomat has sparked a national conversation about cruel and unusual punishments and the international treatment of women.

As the conversation occurred in Omigodtheykilledkenny, it naturally included street riots, shameless political grandstanding, social-media chest-thumping from insufferable "social-justice warriors" who mistake cliches like "check your privilege" for actual arguments, a brawl in Congress, and cable-news hosts losing their shit on live air.

After K-SPAN reported on Monday that the televised flogging broke viewership records for a foreign broadcast, former Vice President Antigone Morgan was first to bat, blasting the channel for giving air to "state-sponsored misogyny" during an appearance on "Morning Brew with Moe and Nica."

"I honestly thought I was watching Iranian television, the way they were publicly whipping a woman for imagined 'sex crimes,'" said Morgan. "Until they started engaging in dirty sex talk, then it became all-too-obvious why it would air on Kennyite TV." She rolled her eyes.

Moe and Nica might have challenged Morgan for terming the broadcast "misogyn(istic)," considering the ex-VP herself has made many demeaning remarks about female public figures (she has dubbed Empress Jhessan "that imperial skank" on several non-consecutive occasions). But as the show was "Morning Brew," the hosts naturally shifted the converation to make it all about them.

"Does President Fernanda ever talk about me?" Nica desperately inquired of Morgan. "You know, he has tiny hands."

Morgan was not alone in her contrived outrage.

"THIS IS THE WORST THING DONALD TRUMP HAS EVER DONE!!!" fumed political hack Ana Navarro, before being gently reminded that even though she was appearing on CNN, the topic, for once, was not the U.S. president.

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She's PISSED!: Antigone Morgan on 'Morning Brew.'

During a special session of the Federal Assembly, discussing whether K-SPAN should be slapped with fines for airing what was essentially a public sex act on live television, Assemblywoman Dana Thorne, C-Fleurdelisia, blasted the "shameless exhibition of whorish fetishism, violence, and quasi-pornographic lewdness. But enough about Assemblywoman Diaz's personal life."

"Why don't you say that to my face, bitch?" demanded Carmen Diaz, L-Kennsylvania.

Thorne turned so that she was looking directly at Diaz. "I AM saying it to your face, you menopausal hag."

"Oh, it's on, sister." Diaz then removed her earrings in dramatic fashion, to indicate she was ready to throw down.

"Bring it bitch!"

The scratching and clawing of the "stateswomen" on the floor of the Assembly as they attempted to rip each other to shreds resulted in several embarrassing 'wardrobe malfunctions,' and yes, a hefty broadcast-indecency fine for K-SPAN -- not for airing the flogging, but the assemblywomen's "nip slips." (K-SPAN also carries congressional sessions.)

Not that the Imperial broadcast was without its fans. Former President Manuelo Fernanda, for one, demanded the "sex show" become a regular series, before adding defiantly that federal prosecutors "will never take me alive!" and that he intended to stay put in his self-imposed exile in Malibu Islands.

Famed polemicist Ann Coulter announced she was would be giving a speech in support of K-SPAN's "free speech rights" at Paradise City University, but later had to cancel when angry student protesters surrounded the intended venue for her speech and heroically burned it to the ground.

K-SPAN, for its part, has defended its airing of the young woman's punishment. "Don't you understand that World Assembly's ratings are tanking?" rhetorically asked Jan Levy, the network's vice president for Trash TV. "I mean, endangered organisms? Who cares about that mess?? We had to do SOMETHING to spice things up on the weekend!

"Frankly, if we lose any more money over that disaster of an international body, I might fall off the ranking of the 50 richest women in corporate television, and I am NOT going back to sitting at the table reserved for public embarrassments at awards banquets! Whoopi Goldberg can kiss my big Jewish ass!"

She briefly paused to fan a thick stack of monetary bills and brush it against her face. "Oh God, that feels good," she breathed. "I might have an orgasm right now, I'm just warning you."
Edited by Kenny, Jan 12 2018, 12:59 PM.
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TheImperialState
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OOC: Sorry for not posting, I've been out of town, and will be until the 18th. I promise that once I get back, I'll make it up with a double post including a response to Kenny.
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TheImperialState
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The New Imperial Times Week in Review!
All The News the Emperor Sees Fit to Print!

Due to a printing delay that was totally NOT caused by the Inquisition, the July 10th issue and the Special Edition regarding the crisis with Omigdtheykilledkenny have been delayed until today. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Colonials responsible for Independence Day Revolt shipped off to internment facility

ONAGA CITY, ORIENT COLONIES- The Emperor has decreed that the 50,000 terrorists who revolted against Imperial Rule on the July 4th Holiday are being shipped off to a labor camp in the Northern Territories. The news has been well received throughout the Empire, as crowds of patriots burned the rebels in effigy and yelled "Death to Traitors!"

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Black and white photo of rebel militias fighting Imperial forces



Member companies of the Corporate Conglomerate post record profits

NEW IMPERIAL CITY- At the annual shareholders meeting of the Corporate Conglomerate, the political body representing our Empire's five largest corporations, the member companies, including our parent Dime Time Entertainment, posted record profits this fiscal quarter. A representative of the group was quoted as saying "Our strong showing this quarter was undoubtedly due to Emperor Thomas's wise policies, which have helped continue sustainable economic growth
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TheImperialState
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THE NEW IMPERIAL TIMES SPECIAL EDITION: KRISIS IN KENNY!
All the News the Emperor Sees Fit to Print!

As all our readers are surely aware, on July 3rd, Diplomatic Coordinator (Secretary of State for you Kennyites) and renowned whore Emily Reagan was supposed to receive corporal punishment for a gangbang she participated in with male "indentured servants." Instead, the God-fearing people of this Empire, and our depraved Kennyite neighbors, witnessed what can only be described as hardcore BDSM pornography. Since that international broadcast, the Empire has responded to both Kennyite detractors and supporters.

Emperor Thomas Holds "Belligerent" Press Conference

In a press conference foreign observers have slammed as "Belligerent" and "Alarming," our mighty Emperor verbally retaliated against Kennyite feminist aggression! In the first 30 minutes of the conference, the Emperor threatened war against Kenny roughly a dozen times, and once threatened quote "total atomic annihilation of the Kennyite feminist menace," due to their "total disrespect for our laws." In a shocking move, he also offered former Kennyite President Manuelo Fernanda "political asylum," claiming "Anyone willing to defend our way of life on the public stage belongs in our Empire!" The Emperor also promised to allow the President's "playmates" free passage into the country, and offered an introduction to some "friendly ladies." He ended the press conference by loudly yelling "We will not yield to Kennyite aggression!" Whatever the future holds, it certainly appears as if Kennyite-Imperial relations have hit their lowest point yet.

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Emperor Thomas railing against Kennyite aggression

Empress Nicole Roasts Antigone Morgan!

Empress Nicole went on popular morning talk show Patriot's Brew today and slammed former Kennyite VP Antigone Morgan as a "bimbo," claiming that the VP was a "hypocritical slut who has had more meat inside her than a butcher's shop, and more silicone in her chest than most pornstars!" But the tirade didn't end there! She also railed against Morgan's old reality show, claiming "if I want to watch a slut trash talk other sluts, I can watch the Real Housewives." Finally, she defended our Empire and her husband, stating "out of all the shameful ways Antigone Morgan has been filmed using her mouth to degrade herself, her tirade against the Empire has to be the worst!" With all the makings of a feud in the air, journalists and paparazzi alike are salivating with anticipation.

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Empress Nicole during her interview

Stunning Announcement About Reagan and Tulane!

Shortly after his press conference, the Emperor announced that rather than being punished for their televised debauchery, they would instead be given a TV show that airs exclusively for international consumption! Emperor Thomas defended his decision by saying "This knocks out several birds with one depraved stone! Reagan and Tulane can act out every sexual fantasy they've ever had, we don't have to see it, and the advertising opportunities for our biggest corporations are fantastic! We'll make a shit ton of money!" The decision has been received positively, as Imperials tend to be a sucker for earning a quick Blood Diamond.
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