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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 1 2013, 06:03 AM (106,732 Views) | |
| straightedgeninja | Dec 10 2014, 12:06 AM Post #11276 |
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Curls his knees to his chest and motions to the seat beside him. You probably want to sit down to hear this. I'm not doing well. I'm constantly in pain and dizzy. My bones are so protruded. I've been talking about checking myself into an eating disorder clinic much to the family's grumbling. They did agree to at least take me to a nutritionist but I'm afraid that the nutritionist will say I'm too sick or even worse not sick enough. If I can't get some more help I will be checking myself in. My family hasn't been very supportive. They claim they don't know what to do but my internet friends have been more help then them. Secretly my Christmas wish is to make it to Christmas. My next week is to not be in a hospital. But I haven't told many people that. I tell my family I want a Nintendo DS. I'm stringing along on a few hundred calories and coffee. I'm probably addicted to caffeine right now so I'm trying to get on decaf. I found out even with my surgery I'm eating the caloric equivalent of someone still on a liquid diet. I just want this to all be over with. |
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| Zonkers | Dec 10 2014, 12:30 AM Post #11277 |
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That's not good dude. I hope you get the help you need & some support from your family would be nice too. That isn't enough calories & the caffeine probably isn't helping. You can't live on what you're eating, soon they'll make you stop taking karate too. Don't you have any weaknesses in food like pizza that you want to eat? |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 10 2014, 12:37 AM Post #11278 |
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Oh I'm pretty sure karate is going at this appointment. Nevermind my instructors make me sit out the second I start feeling dizzy usually for the rest of the night. It sucks. Occasionally I will have cravings and it's easier ( not 100% easy) to eat what I'm craving. But more often then not I don't crave any food and I don't want to eat something I don't want because that's a waste of calories. The coffee gives me a boost to string along a few more hours. At this point telling me to eat food is like asking you to eat your shoe. It's basically equilalent to posion and all I can think about is numbers. I'm struggling to keep food down. I'm not purging but I'm not sure if it's acid reflux or my stomach has just given up but I'll often vomit after meals. It's just no good. No life. |
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| Zonkers | Dec 10 2014, 12:49 AM Post #11279 |
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That really stinks I wish I knew something to tell you. You got to stop thinking about the numbers & start thinking about the good things like taste, nutrition, feeling good, doing things you like like karate and being healthy. You have to start thinking about those things instead of just some numbers. |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 10 2014, 12:53 AM Post #11280 |
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I know. As frustrating as it is to you... imagine knowing what to do and not being able to do it. I'm hoping this nutriontist can set me up on a meal plan and if I'm at least getting some food in maybe I can battle the thoguhts better. I'm not really sure at this point I just know I don't have much choice. It's recover or die. |
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| Zonkers | Dec 10 2014, 12:55 AM Post #11281 |
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Isn't that enough to scare you? |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 10 2014, 12:56 AM Post #11282 |
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It does scare me. It scares me an awful lot. I can feel myself running out of time and that's terrfying. I'm scared to recover though as well. It's just so much pain - physical, emotional, mental. Sorry to cut it short but I'm being made to go to bed... it's past my bedtime enough and you know how moms get ( even if they are virtual) and I don't think I want to stay up and discuss it furthur. So good night Dylan. Cuddles. Edited by straightedgeninja, Dec 10 2014, 12:59 AM.
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| Zonkers | Dec 10 2014, 01:20 AM Post #11283 |
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Yeah, it scares me too dude.This might not be very original but you gotta do something. Recovery is better, you can change your mind about recovery you can't change your mind about the other thing. No more excuses, just get better. It's ok I was surprised you were here so late I'm pretty sure you were up past your bedtime. Goodnight Luke & cuddles buddy.
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 10 2014, 07:02 PM Post #11284 |
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Thanks for everything man. Hey Geezer Edited by straightedgeninja, Dec 10 2014, 07:06 PM.
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| Suzu | Dec 10 2014, 08:42 PM Post #11285 |
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Congrats, Dylly. Sounds like you're doing good. Best wishes, Luke. I'm back home as of today. I hopefully won't have to go for more doctor stuff until January. All my echo showed was a minor aortic valve leak (I THINK that's what they said it was) that's not really any concern and might fix itself. They don't have the results from the heart monitor they made me wear for a day yet. |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 10 2014, 10:05 PM Post #11286 |
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Thank you Suzu-chan. Hugs tight. |
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| Geezer | Dec 11 2014, 04:06 AM Post #11287 |
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Bah Humbug! Darn, I'm getting the Christmas spirit early this year. Greetings hominids. Try not to stress Jordan, I'm certain you will do well on your exams. Study and do your best, you do not have to be an "A" student, you only need to pass. Dale, I hope you and your family are prepared for Christmas. Luke, I am sorry your situation is so serious. One time when I was sick I could track my loss of intellectual ability daily, I know how frightening it is to watch these things unveil. Have you tried visualization? It sounds like you have to some degree used visualization to create your situation or at least exacerbate it, perhaps you can use the same methods to counteract it. I realize what an incredible oversimplification this is but we are all very worried about you and visualization is one of the most powerful tools to be used in the development of our eating habits. Alora, I am so happy to find you returned to a land where sanity roams free. Please feel free to rant anytime you wish, your rants are more literate than most peoples speech. |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 11 2014, 04:59 PM Post #11288 |
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Geezer thanks for the kind words. I see my therapist tomorrow and getting my nutrition appointment set up then as well. Something my mama bear (Jodi on SL for Dylan's reference) has discovered is that I am incredibly stimulated and influenced by visual things. Such as one day I was really upset about a friend who had died and simply looking at some pictures of him before the illness took him was enough to find myself peace again. Watching myself visually decline in health and watching bones get more prominent and my eyes lose their spark and such has been incredibly rough. I think the next hardest thing is watching my strength go away. The things that used to not hurt do and I feel as if the wind will blow me away sometimes. I am trying my absolute hardest to counteract all of this. Deep down despite protests I really do want to see myself recovered and get my life back. |
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| Jordand08 | Dec 11 2014, 10:10 PM Post #11289 |
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Okayy seems like I have some catching up to do. Dylan; omg, nobody winks at me! Luke: Recovering is a hard thing to do, believe me everything you accomplish is gonna be hard, and you;re gonna be afraid, because everyone's afraid of something. It's hard. Really hard especially if you don't have many people to support you, or feel like you don't. However, you don't have to please everyone. you're not alive to please them, (well you are, but in this case you're not.) you're here to please yourself. People may not agree with you, or support you, but if you're doing what right for yourself, that's all that matters. Nothing else. Never discourage yourself. Because there's many of us who believe in you. Bruce; trust me, I wasn't doing that well on my progress report. But I miss you coming on here. :p Sorry Dylan, I never log off, so it always says I'm on. I've been really busy. I got a new phone though!! |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 11 2014, 10:22 PM Post #11290 |
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Jordan. Runs and hugs you tight. So I got my arm cut up and scratched during a sparring ( fighting) match during class today. It's insanely triggering as it's right on my wrist and on the arm I used to self harm. It burns and all the wrong things and I just want to make it worse. Luckily it doesn't seem to have broken the skin so it will likely be better tomorrow. |
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| Jordand08 | Dec 11 2014, 11:09 PM Post #11291 |
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well, whatever you do, dont selfharm. |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 11 2014, 11:26 PM Post #11292 |
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Once that initial wave faded I hardly even notice it now. hugs you tight. |
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| Geezer | Dec 12 2014, 02:47 PM Post #11293 |
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Please don't scare us like that Luke, I thought you started cutting again. |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 12 2014, 04:07 PM Post #11294 |
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I'm so sorry for the scare. It was not my intention. Everything is healed now like I suspected. pats Geezer's head |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 13 2014, 12:03 AM Post #11295 |
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Hey guys just a heads up I leave tomorrow afternoon I don't know how often I can check here if at all so I'll be back on Saturday but will likely not be online til Sunday the 21st see you all then ( oh wow I just forgot how to use punctuation) |
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| Geezer | Dec 13 2014, 12:24 AM Post #11296 |
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Enjoy your vacation Luke. |
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| Dale | Dec 16 2014, 01:34 AM Post #11297 |
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Dear Luke, Here's a tip on checking into an Eating Disorder place: If you check yourself in, you can check yourself out at any time. If you ever admit that you have suicide thoughts, a doctor WILL check you in, and you can't check yourself out. My sister was Bulemic and checked herself in. There were many like you in the unit. But it wasn't helping her, because unlike you, she would eat everything in sight, including other kids food it she could. Then, she'd slip off to he bathoom.After a week or so, she wasn't getting any real help, so she signed herself out. Another time, during a visit to the hospital, she hit my mom because she was mad at something she said. There were witnesses, so they strapped her to a bed and hauled her to a mental clinic in a far off town. They wouldn't even let us know where she was going. So we followed the ambulance to an old farm house. It was late at night, and we couldn't even see the room where she was to be staying. When carrying her up a spiral staircase to the second floor, they almost dropped her off the stretcher. When mom insisted that we say, "Good night to her," we were told to leave. We didn't, so they called the cops. Two policemen with guns came. We left then. The next day, we visited her, ans she was so doped up on drugs that they had given her, she felt like she was crawling on the ceiling. That same day, we got a Lawyer to help get my sister out of that place. The presence of the lawyer made the clinic let my sister go. My brother said that he was about to break into the place to get his sister out. She was on SSRI medications, but after a while they stopped helping, so she'd try some other SSRI drug. Finally, she got on Aderal, which is for Attention Deficite Disorder (ADD) in kids. That helped a lot with the eating disorder, and she is slowly getting back to normal. Dear Geezer, Merry Christmas to you. I hope you spend some time with Dylan this year, and have a jolly good time. If he gets out of line, you know how to deal with that, like on his birthday. Check your other email sites too for important messages. Thanks for all your help. Edited by Dale, Dec 16 2014, 01:45 AM.
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| Dale | Dec 16 2014, 10:32 PM Post #11298 |
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In case I don't get back here before Christmas, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Even if times are tough for you at this time of year, know that we on this site love you all and hope for the best health in the new year.
Edited by Dale, Dec 16 2014, 10:33 PM.
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| Jordand08 | Dec 17 2014, 09:05 PM Post #11299 |
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I feel as if everyone has forgotten me! I've been really busy. So many kids are sick with the flu, luckily, I haven't gotten it. Monday 153 students weren't there and yesterday there were more out. Right before Christmas! I have this essay thing to do. I also started my medicine, none of the side affects have shown up yet which is good, however I picked 7:30 PM to take my medicine, and lets just say... I haven't been doing it at the same time. Next month I have to go to the endocrinologists. Merry Christmas Y'all. |
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| straightedgeninja | Dec 21 2014, 10:02 AM Post #11300 |
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Ah the place I would go my therapist has actually been to and right now we are going to give the nutritionist a short trail time. However if I can't make any progress then I need to go to the clinic. Which won't be very fun but I think its one of the best in the area if not the country. I'd rather of course stay home so I'm trying to make progress. Ive been told that I probably need to gain weight and that makes me a bit uneasy but I've accepted that it needs to happen. Ive spent so long being miserable and I just want it all over with. Jordan I missed you. Hugs. In other news I'm back from vacation. |
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