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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 31 2013, 02:32 PM (11 Views) | |
| Atticus | Oct 31 2013, 02:32 PM Post #1 |
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Berfer's response to outline 1. Dampe is a hobo? Is he at least in the graveyard? Why is Caleb speaking comforting words to people in the cemetery if he's a fecked-up, crazy, traumatized killer? 2. No problems with that I guess. 3. Twelve years just like that? He just "thinks about his family"? That seems a bit vague and lacking in content, maybe fill in a few notable events there? His childhood probably wasn't completely fine until he was twelve. 4. Okay then... 5. Alrighty. Though that escalated quickly. 6. Sure. Why not? 7. Because "she's his"? What the feck does that mean? Also, why did she decide to kill herself right before he got home? 8. Okay, I'll bite. Who the feck is Jessica? Isn't Caleb like twelve? 9. Hehe, Caleb lives in the basement. 10. So he's psychic now? 11. Totally fine. 12. Orphans? Innocent? Have ye been to an orphanage? Most are probably anything but innocent when the adoptees aren't around. So Caleb hates orphans because they don't have family, but he killed his? What? 13.-14. Good, but give a way fer the dog to get into the basement. 15-17. Fine, but really, is Jessica like Caleb's girlfriend or somefin? He's twelve, mang. Also, how did she randomly find him? That seems like too big o' a coincidence. 18-20. Perfectly fine. 21-22. Okay. 23. So the orphanage randomly burns down the same day Caleb is there, and he came back during the night just as it burns? Really? 24. So he did burn down the orphanage? I thought ye said he stopped himself. And if he felt so bad fer them, why'd he burn it down? 25-26. Okay, I guess. But the redemption thing is a cliche. As long as ye don't say it overtly it should be fine though. 27. Accidentally punches the secret entrance. Coincidences driving the story pls. Also bide his time? He "flips out", and is still o' right enough mind to bide his time? He obviously didn't flip out hard enough. Nathan not hiding evidence or cleaning up his murder den pls. And I think it would be better if ye leave it ambiguous as to if it is Jessica or not. 28. Really? Why not cut his throat if it meant that much to ye? 29. So Caleb just is able to survive fer days on his own without money, while still in high school, on the street? And he's able to just get into house easy? Nobody does anything while he's gone/coming back or asks any questions? That last one includes 30. 31-32. Fine. But "angels forever frozen in time"? That seems a bit out-of-place. 33-35. Fine, but holy shite how much alcohol does he drink? Does he have superhuman fortitude or somefin? 36. What's with him and arson? 37-39. First off, why doesn't Caleb cut himself to ribbons on all the mirror shards he slams through? Also, why does the third bully immediately link the killings to some random kid he used to pick on? Also fer 39, how does Caleb get into an armed and alert man's house, much less overpower him? Also, is this book like a highly hyperbolic revenge fantasy o' yers using allegory? It's fine if it is, just wondering. 40-41. Okay. But if he's a slaughterer and nothing else, then why does he get so wrapped up over the orphans and the confession? 42. Good. 43-45. Also good. Some people being beyond redemption counteracts the platitude, and I like the argument with the dad/death scene a lot. But how does everybody know he is the killer? And if they do, why didn't they do anything before? And Caleb has killed without remorse. He killed the bullies and his parents. 46. So that's Caleb's ghost? I guess? And that last line doesn't make sense. If ye refuse to carry a burden, I don't think it follows ye around. If ye refuse to confront or bury a burden, then it festers and follows ye around, but ye still carry it. 11 hours ago TGG response 1) I admit, I took the story in a bit of a different direction. I'll probably alter the beginning. Though, he's still going to feel at home in the cemetery. Also, ye suggested for me to use the name Dampe plus, I needed a name for the hobo as I decided I was going to make him a bit more notable than just some hobo Caleb killed.
2) Aye. 3) ...I may put in a few events I had ideas for depending on the word count as I progress. 4) Aye. 5) I made it less abrupt in the writing itself. As even Nathan is thinking about it in the previous part. 6) Aye. 7) Let's just say he takes the till death do us part very literally. And she didn't know he was coming home early. Juliet. The girl Caleb grows an overpowering obsession of in the original story of the songs, who eventually ends up tricking him into drinking poison. I changed her role this time around, but Caleb's still... a bit obsessed with her. 9) Aye. He originally had his own room but due to the increasingly violent conflict between his parents, he had to move to the basement. 10) Not really. It's just going to be something foreboding. Nothing explicit like "you'll grow up to be a serial killer." The dreams might get cut out completely depending on the word count. 11) Aye. 12) Caleb's not exactly the most right in mind. He pretty much sees all children innocent due to the shit during his childhood. And not exactly... he does indeed find jealousy in the fact that they are without terrible murderous parents, but he's more jealous of the fact that they are still young and can do something more creative with their lives, while he's stuck... doing what he does. 13-14) Actually, I already have that covered. As the basement is based off of my own... 15-17) She's more of a friend than anything in this version of the story. A guardian angel. Also, fair enough. 18-20 and 21-22) Aye. 23-24) It was mostly the voices. Which is why I put "the voices gleefully mock him" or whatever it was. He doesn't want to kill those he sees as innocent, but he's too fucked up at that point to control himself. 25-26) It's more him being on the brim of going entirely over the edge into insanity, and he's simply trying to grab something to stop him from going over. The whole "can still people redeem themselves" question he simply uses to rattle the priest. It'll come back at the end as eventually Caleb will request the priest himself to shoot him. 27) It's actually a door in my basement, but I figured, if it was a door, then why wouldn't have Caleb opened it throughout all these years? Then again, I've never opened me own mysterious basement door either. And when I put "flip out" I mainly meant, that'll be the original beginning point for his insanity. Also on the last point, Berfer pls. The murder den is only accessible via a secret entrance. Though, past that, Nathan's not really that great of a murderer. Well, I suppose I could, but with Jessica having gone missing... I suppose I could just say the bodies were unidentifiable by the time Caleb finds them. 28) Again, the start of his insanity. He just wakes up standing over his sleeping father with a knife still in his hands? Pls. Also, he wants him to be awake. 29) Terrible upbringing aside, Caleb's a resourceful lad. And also, I'm probably going to have him enter via basement. Tara doesn't really care about him and as for Nathan... too busy working. Suppose I'll have one of them mention that they thought Caleb left for good or something. 31-32) I'm going to word it a bit better in the actual story, but that's where the entire title of the story comes from. He sees the murdered children as dead angels and whatnot. 33-35) To be fair, it's probably just going to be the rest of the bottle his parents were already drinking. Maybe an additional one. I don't know. 36) The orphanage was a mishap. His home he needed to get rid of anyways. 37-39) I'll cross that bridge when I arrive. And it's not some random kid he used to pick on. The rivalry between he and his bullies is actually a pretty large part of the story, murders aside. Again, I'll cross that bridge when I arrive. Also, no, actually. I never really was bullied through all of my schoolyears. 40-41) I'm surprised ye didn't mention the seven year gap. And again, while he's a murderer, he only wants to kill those he thinks are twisted or messed up. But of course the voices and visions (or alternatively, the fucked up part of Caleb's mind) keep making him kill pretty much everybody. He would have actually jumped but was stopped by them. 42) Aye. 43-45) I'm going to probably remove the newspaper part. Or at least change it a bit. Like something along the lines "the mysterious killings have stopped" or something along those lines. And aye, that's why Caleb's father tells him that there's more of him in Caleb than he realizes. 46) I wouldn't say ghost. Throughout the entire story, I'm not going to confirm whether they're actual ghosts or just people's minds being fucked up. After Caleb telling him his story and watching and indirectly being responsible for his demise, the priest really can't just leave him behind.And while the outline doesn't really show it until the end, the voices and visions are a dominant force throughout most of the storyNathan is Caleb's antagonist, and Caleb is Harold's antagonist Anyhow, I believe I covered about everything. I'll look at Jake and Sammy later. |
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7:58 AM Jul 11