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Ic: Cff
Topic Started: Mar 11 2013, 05:22 PM (1,139 Views)
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Ironicness
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CFF Cardinals' Tie Streak Continues
by Courtney Blongart, Special SPORTSnet Contributor

LEMURIAN ISLANDS- After an optimistic three-game curve in which Ironicness's absurd streak of ties had swerved into wins, it seems that the national soccer team has fallen right back into the crack.

Following a 1-point win over 98x and a third-place rank advancement, fans of the Cardinals were sure that their luck was changing- alas, it was not to be. Somewhere, somehow, something must be preventing Ironicness OR the other team from getting that one more goal in, as reflected by recent Match Day Scores.

Day 10, Ellani, each team scoring one. Day 11, Lemmingtopias, zeroes all around. Day 12, sharing ones with Nova Angleterre. Day 13, a bit of a bye. Day 14, ones again with Kurosiana. Only the last day reported had a bit of a swoop, with a luck 2-0 win at host nation Lemurian Islands.

When will it end? According to insiders, head coach Roger Pleschke may move the team off the fields one day soon, because according to one source, "everyone's doing exactly the wrong job in the right way."

Will we soon see a switch in team performance, strategy, or lineup? Only time will tell for sure.

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CFF Cardinals' Tie Streak Halted by Sudden Wins
by David Radern, Special SPORTSnet Contributor

JASPERION CITY, IRONICNESS- Just minutes after Ms. Blongart's article was posted, officiated scores were reported for the last 4 days, and fans were delighted to see that the CFF's Ironicness Cardinals had gone onto a solid win streak.

According to CFF standings, Ironicness now stands in FIRST place in division one, thanks to a 1-nil game with Mestra, a 2-nil game with Ermonte, a 2-1 game with 98x, and a 4-1 game with Miricano.

Ironicness has now an 8-8-1 record, with, although not the most wins, by far the least losses in the entire division. Only Lemurian Islands, the powerhouse host nation that occupied top-ratings for several weeks, has managed to get the better of these birds, and it was switched around with a 2 to nothing win four days ago.

Says GM Greblak: "I'm very pleased at the results occurring in the Cardinal's lineup right now. I can't deny, pressure was put greatly on our coaches and our players, but they've all done their job. First place is great to be at, and I know we can carry this momentum into the Cup."

Says PM and honorary general manager Bowron, at his weekly conference with the press: "I'm amazed [Deputy Prime Minister] Nessie [Locha] hasn't stormed the field yet," in a reference to the DPM's fierce enthusiasm for the team. "Congratulations to all our fantastic players- you may have gotten my place in the PM elections last time, but I gather that we both got first this time," to mild chuckling.

SPORTSnet regular Jack Gambit contributed from Lemurian Islands.
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Coach Sacked, Payton Elevated; Mengsk, Kerrigan, Terra, DiBiase, Cain, Warfield Elevated to Starter Status

Big news coming out of the front office of the U.S.N.A. Democrats. Coach George Bernard (Charlotte) has been removed as the Democrats coach and New Orleans coach Sean Payton has been chosen to replace him. Payton has led his franchise to three USSL League Championships since taking over the team in 2008. Payton led the struggling New Orleans team to a winning record for the first time since 1993 (when the team was formed) in 2008, landing an impressive 34-19-2 record. New Orleans set the all-time record of least ties that year. In 2009, Payton guided New Orleans to its first USSL League crown by beating Tristram 5-3, capping a 40-13-2 season, by far the franchise's most successful. While maintaining solid power in 2010, New Orleans was knocked out of the playoffs in the semi-final round by Westmarch after going 38-13-4 in the regular season. The franchise then stormed back to power in 2011, netting an amazing 45-9-1 record en route to a second USSL title and recording a new tie record. Payton's New Orleans successfully defended the USSL Championship last year, taking a third title and a second straight title, joining Tristram and Bastion's Keep as the only teams to have won back to back championships. The 2013 season is still ongoing, and New Orleans is poised to win a third title and tie Bastion's Keep at the most USSL crowns (4). General Manager Eric Bischoff remarked, "We thank Coach Bernard for his services, but we must improve. That's where Sean Payton comes in. Sean has done a remarkable job in New Orleans with turning around a truncated franchise into a three-time League championship team.

In other news, GM Bischoff and new coach Sean Payton announced several swaps in the starting lineup. Full backs Warriv al-Arthos and Abd al-Hazir have been switched our for Sarah Kerrigan and Arcturus Mengsk, bolstering the full back line with the sole incumbent full back and team captain James Raynor. Striker Inhofe Snowskull was seriously injured in the last match against Sainam, and has been ruled out for several weeks, and thus will be replaced by Nova Annabella-Terra. Sweeper Alejandro Escovich has been switched out for Ted DiBiase, after Escovish reportedly was involved in an incident with Eric Bischoff. Wingback George Britch was also replaced by new wingback James Cain. Finally, center midfielder Ormus Anlios has been substituted with Horace Warfield. The new lineup was heavily pushed by Sean Payton, who is adopting a New Orleans-style attack and defense strategy. Payton said about these moves, "I firmly believe the system that has worked so well in New Orleans can work for the national Democrats, with some tweaks of course." Team captain Jim Raynor was a little unnerved by the moves, but was optimistic, "I was taken by surprised by Coach Payton's quick movements but you know what, I'm ready to go and so is the new look of the Democrats."
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WEEK 6 - PAYTON IS PISSED

Newly installed Democrats coach Sean Payton is one pissed off Nova Angleterran tonight after a week of absolute embarrassments have pushed the Democrats into even more of an impossible position.

For one thing, the Democrats were blanked 3-0 by the Miricano Royals in the Royals home turf. This loss is what started Payton's bad mood. It was made worse by a second straight loss to Division II leader Parnaria in Washington, a final of 2-1 in favor of the opposition. Obviously, Payton's mood was ever more set in the negatives. By this point, Payton was exploding at everyone, wondering why nobody could seem to get their act together. Two straight losses were not in Payton's playbook. The Democrats obviously took this as motivation, as they proceeded to pound Los Veijos 2-0 at their turf. But this was not enough. Knowing they were dealing with Castilis the next day, Payton screamed that the offense must execute and the defense cannot buckle. That half-worked, for the offense punched two goals on Castilis, the defense still gave two more up in a 2-2 tie.

And thus the Democrats are where they are. They are sitting at 8-7-6, barely above .500, and in fifth place in the division. Sean Payton is the most enraged Nova Angleterran in the Commonwealth without a doubt. "What in the hell is this?" Payton boomed in a team meeting earlier, "I wanna know what the f*** you people are thinking! We are supposed to be the most powerful team in all of New Sorvun! In the whole f***ing Commonwealth! And yet here we are, in fifth place in our division and barely holding our heads above water!"

Captain Jim Raynor was shocked, "I haven't seen anyone erupt in that much anger in my life." Raynor knew that Payton probably broke a few rules, but even he acknowledged that the team was in dire straits. "We have got to find a way to turn this around." Raynor said. Payton took a presser himself, though he still retained much of the anger that he had already spewed. "I feel as if this team is getting punched in the damn gut." Payton said, "I have no idea what's going on, whether its the players not doing their jobs right, or the coaches not doing their jobs right or what, but I did not sign up to be coach of this team just to see it get worse than it was before I took over." Asked if his new offense and defensive schemes were being pushed too quick, Payton responded, "No. As you can see we're scoring again. Our problem is we are letting the enemy score back, and score enough to win the damn matches." Some reporters winced at the word "enemy" coming out of Payton's mouth, but in the mood he was in, there was nobody who was going to tell him to watch his mouth.

Obviously, the Democrats are in trouble. Let's hope that things improve soon, before General Manager Eric Bischoff steps in, and if that occurs, it promises not to be pretty.
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Ermontian Star: 'Leivat to me'
Lucas Leiva gave Kahlenberg all three points at the Estadio de Luz after a wonder goal from just inside the Lemurs half which went straight over the goalkeepers head in what was to be the only highlight of a pretty poor match. Not much to say on this one.
Final Score: Kahlenberg FC 1 The Lemurs 0(Leiva 65)
(Yellow(s): - )

Ermontian Star: 'Cardinal sin'
Assaidi was give a straight red card in the opening ten minutes to help the Cardinals to win two nil. Assaidi's two footed challenger was enough for referee howard webb to give the first red card of Assaidi's career. The reshuffle saw Manuel Suarez taken off and replaced by Michael Vincetti but the extra man proved too much for the Kahlenberg defence to cope with and on the 85th minute their resistance was finally broke. A second goal, to add insult in injury, was added with the last kick of the game. Assaidi will now miss the next three games.
Final Score: Cardinals 2 Kahlenberg FC 0
(Yellow(s): Vincetti, Morgan)

Kahlenberg Observer: 'Conan the squanderer'
Conan missed a late sitter to leave the scores level between Kahlenberg and the Imperials. A Johan Soderburg cross was met by the head of Conan who had all of the goal to aim at but instead put the ball well wide. Another case of what could have been.
Final Score: Kahlenberg FC 0 Imperials 0
(Yellow(s): -)

Port Fallon Observer: 'Even equals loss'
An even game in all aspects except for the score line. The Islanders managed to squeeze ahead in the first half after a corner kick which seemed to want to stay in the Kahlenberg box but eventually the Islanders managed to get a toe to the ball which trickled over the line. A second half corner a second half goal, this time now mix up. A seventh defeat of the season after seventeen games, uncharacteristic.
Final Score: Kahlenberg FC 0 Islanders 2
(Yellow(s): Morgan)

Ermontian Star: 'The Suarez strikes back'
Dominc Suarez scored his tenth goal of the season from the penalty spot after being brought down just inside the area. He dusted himself down and struck the ball hard and low passed the hapless Saikawa goalkeeper. In thruth it could have been a couple more but for the goalkeepers efforts but this time Kahelberg made no mistakes in ensuring the result. A much needed win.
Final Score: Saikawa United FC 0 Kahlenberg FC 1(Suarez 25)
(Yellow(s): - )

Ermontian Star: 'Royals Fryered'
Matty Fryer's long kick out went straight over everyone including the Royals goalkeeper to put Kalenberg one nil ahead to the amazement of everyone. Johan Soderburg scored his first goal since the opening day of the season on the stroke of half time. Kahlenberg continued to dominate the second half but couldn't find a way passed for a third goal. Two wins in a row now, Division two's runaway leaders next.
Final Score: Kahlenberg FC 2 Royals 0(Fryer 12, Soderburg 44)

Odessa News: 'Elovin it'
Dominic Suarez bagged his eleventh of the season with a wonder goal twenty minutes from time. A cross from Allan Challaghen was met with a wonderous bicycle kick which flew into the top right hand corner. A highly entertaining match which could have seen either side win but Kahlenberg have managed to win three in a row for the first time this season and are now six points of league leaders Imperials.
Final Score: Wraiths 0 Kahlenberg FC 1(Suarez 70)

Valenheim Post: 'Spot kick showdown'
Cheech Assaidi started for the first time since his sending off and was only involved for ten minutes before getting sent for an early bath for the second time this season, albeit this one was harsh. Los Cojones started brightly and when their forwards got into the box Assaidi stuck a leg out and won the ball, however the forward went down an won an unjust penalty. Assaidi protested but was given his marching orders which didn't go down at all well with either the fans or manager Josef Allen. A chorus of boos rang out as the spot kick was dispatched to give Los Cojones the lead. After that Kahlenberg despite being a man down looked like they were the team with the extra man as they dominated the next eighty minutes. Half time was called to the sound of another chorus of boos for the referee. The second half started with the same intensity that the first had ended with Kahlenberg pressing the Los Cojones goal. The pressure kept mounting until finally Nakamura was fouled of the ball inside the Los Cojones penalty area. The referee pointed the the spot and Dominic Suarez put the ball high into the to left corner to level the scores. Unfortunately for the hime team they couldn't find a winner.
Final Score: Kahlenberg FC 1 FC Los Cojones 1(Suarez 86)
(Yellow(s): Callaghan, Morgan, Leiva)
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U.S.N.A. Fails to Capture Division I, Qualifies for Commonwealth Cup

The Democrats seemed to have found their mojo back in the final week before the official start of the Commonwealth Cup.

The U.S.N.A. took 4 straight victories in this last week:

- The U.S.N.A. defeated the Allied States of Carpathia and Moldova 2-1. Democrats FB Sarah Kerrigan scored both goals and S Christopher Hayes was given the first yellow card of any Democrat player.

- The U.S.N.A. utterly destroyed Indigo Republic at the Washington Capitals Stadium by a score of 6-0. GM Eric Bischoff remarked in the post-match presser, "I think that's the biggest margin of victory of any team in this entire league." FB Sarah Kerrigan, S Nova Annabella-Terra, S Christopher Hayes, WB James Cain, CMF Horace Warfield, and FB captain Jim Raynor all scored a goal in the utter rout. No yellow cards were given in this match, although coach Sean Payton was nearly ejected for arguing with a referee.

- The U.S.N.A. defeated Trotsgrad, 2-1 to net a third straight victory. S Nova Annabella-Terra scored twice and WB James Cain scored once. CMF Horace Warfield was given a yellow card for tripping a Skyhawk player.

- The U.S.N.A. came to Caldeum for the final match and scored a 2-1 victory against Indie Lovers. FB captain Jim Raynor scored the final two goals to secure victory.

To end league play, the U.S.N.A. finished fourth with 42 points, still quite a close 5 behind the eventual winner Ironicness Cardinals. The Democrats put together a record of 12-7-6, which failed to reach .500. General Manager Eric Bischoff said, "I am happy we made it close. I'm not happy we didn't reach .500." Coach Sean Payton, who ended his tenure at 4-3-1 as the national coach, was quite honestly disappointed, "I was not happy with the results. I think we could have done a whole helluva lot better." Bischoff did confirm that Payton will be the national coach during the Commonwealth Cup, and that FB Jim Raynor will be the team captain. The only players confirmed so far for the cup are S Christopher Hayes, SW Ted DiBiase, FB Sarah Kerrigan and WB James Cain.
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Ironicness Champions CFF Division, Into Cup Enthusiastically
by Mark Jennings and Riley Rodman

I'BALAN, MESTRA- The reports are out. The news is in. The season is over and the winners have won.

To the tremendous glee of hundreds of thousands of patriotic soccer fans nationwide, the winner is Ironicness.

The Cardinals, who represent Ironicness nationally in the Commonwealth Football Federation, are in first place following the close of the season with an astounding 13-8-4 record, following a series of wins known to insiders as the Fly Streak. It began in Week 6 with Lemurian Islands and Carpathia, and spread to Week 7 beating the Indigo Republic, and Trotsgrad, Indie Lovers. The final game with Indie ended with an almost half stadium-wide card wipe with the Ironicness colors of blue and purple, even though it was an away game in another region.

The folks back at home, of course, are thrilled. Members of the team emerging from the plane in Whitton Airport were astonished when hundreds of screaming fans came running onto the tarmac (the stunt, of course, had been green-lighted by the Ironic Regulations Airspace Division). Surrounding the plane, contained only by hastily put up barriers giving players a fifty-yard radius, the crowd chanted "Cardinals Up! Win the Cup!" and, seeing team captain and favorite Fletcher Leon come out, "Fletcher! Fletcher! Win the Game! Kick the Ball, We Got No Shame!"

D-PM Nessie Locha met with the team at the Silver Center last night. In a press conference with the GM and crew afterwards, she remarked, "This actually brings up a good point about my defense policies." Ignoring the ensuing murmurs, she continued, "I think I've come up with a better one- scrap the whole thing! These boys'll defend us on any field- soccer or battle!" Unfortunately, Prime Minister Bowron was in USNA and could not respond.

Coming out as champions into the Cup, Head Coach Roger Pleschke says he's pleased with the team's work but there's more to be done. "We're on top now," he remarked, "but it'll take work to stay that way. I know we can do it, and our training standards will only get higher and higher as we face Parnaria and the rest of Division II in the coming days."

SPORTSnet regular Jack Gambit contributed from Lemurian Islands.
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Parna Courier - Sports

Football fans throughout the country are ecstatic as Parnaria finishes the season at the top of Division II. The season closed out with a string of close games. The week began with The Wraiths facing the Silent Raid It was a hard fought match with the Wraiths unable to score until to 73rd minute. Similar performances occurred in matches against the Cosmonauts, and the Ellani Dragons. The Wraiths brought a loss at the hands of the Lemurs. The wraiths final record is a phenomenal 20-2-3. Fans are ready to see the Wraiths continue to perform beyond expectations going into the Commonwealth Cup, as well as next season. In related news, Manager Ryan Kalmar announced that he would be stepping down as manager of the wraiths to become Commissioner of the newly formed Parnarian Football League. He will be replaced by Mitch Stevens.


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Kahlenberg Post: 'Middle of the road'
A disappointing end to the season as Kahlenberg FC claimed 5th place in the commonwealth league, 6 points behind winners Cardinals. In a tight league that was well contested seen Dominic Suarez finsih as the teams top scorer with 14 goals. Manager Josef Allen was adamant that had results gone their way it would have been a different story and that the team didn't show its teeth at the right time. Josef Allen will be looking for a much better response in the commonwealth cup and an improvement next season.
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With the first ever CFF League completed and all competing teams have returned home the verdict is in. With a record of 9-2-14 and a accumulated total of points of 29 from twenty five games played, which caused them to finish in 6th. It can be said that Saikawa United FC had a disappointing season. Team Manager Shigane said "Despite not winning the Division II title, we still managed to qualify for the Commonwealth and I'm confident if the team tries there best we can win it."

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U.S.N.A. Knocked Out of Commonwealth Cup in 1st Round; Coming Home to Hero's Welcome

LEMURIAN ISLANDS, Atlantis Region - The United States of Nova Angleterre is not going to be Commonwealth Cup Champions... this time at least. The U.S.N.A.'s Democrats fought the host nation, Lemurian Islands' Lemurs in the 5th day of the first round of play. Unfortunately, the Democrats just did not play up to par on an international stage, as they fell on their face, 2-0.

Democrats coach Sean Payton, in the post-match presser, was visibly disheartened. "We tried. But we just could not execute. I was very disappointed." However, Payton acknowledged that the team was as prepared to go to war as ever, "They were prepared to fight. And they did to what extent they could." Asked whether or not they feel they let the country down, Payton responded, "Hell no." General Manager Eric Bischoff put his two cents in, "I can't be more proud of the team. Through the tough times, they hung in there. In the end, it just wasn't enough, and we're going back home with our heads held high." Bischoff was completely unaware that President Joesph Biden was in the audience, speaking with the President of Lemurian Islands. "He was in the crowd? I nor anyone else had any idea." Bischoff said.

Bischoff also announced some important announcements for the future. The Democrats would be re-named the "Raiders". Bischoff also announced that he would be the general manager for the next league and Cup tournament, and that coach Sean Payton would be returned for a second run. Bischoff also announced that all players from this season's team would be returned for next season, and also stated that Inhofe Snowskull, a starter in the first half of the season, was retiring from soccer, both international and USSL.

Back home, the people of the U.S.N.A. were immensely proud of their Democrats. The vast majority, 78%, said they were happy with the team's first run of international play. Only 19% weren't happy. Parades and celebrations were planned once the team returned home.
Edited by Deckard Christopher, Apr 2 2013, 10:58 AM.
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Ermontian Star: 'Indie Outers'
A first half hattrick from Dominic Suarez sent Kahlenberg FC storming into the quarter finals of the commonwealth cup. Kahlenberg took the lead in the 8th minutes after a chip through ball from Soderburg was taken by the on rushing Suarez who had too much pace for The Islanders defence and slotted the ball passed the keeper with a right footed shot. 23 minutes gone it was 2-0 this time from a Gillroy corner which was whipped into the penalty spot and Suarez delivered a thumping header into the top right hand corner. After half an hour it was 2-1, The Islanders attack managed to get passed the Kahlenberg defence and took their chance to pull a goal back. But on the stroke of half time a thunderbolt left foot shot from Suarez gave Kahlenberg a 3-1 lead going into the break and giving Suarez the perfect hattrick.
The second half left much to be desired as Kalenberg sat back as The Islanders looked like a defeated team. Nothing really happened until the last kick of the game when The Islanders made it 3-2 to add a bit more respect to the scoreline and to wonder what could have been had they played with more intensity.
Final Score: The Islanders 2 Kahlenberg FC 3(Suarez 8, 23 & 45)
(Yellow(s): Gillroy)
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Saikawa Daily
Saikawa advance to Second Round round after emphatic win.

Saikawa United advanced to the Commonwealth Cup second round following a 2-0 victory at El Estadio De La Luna .The result came at a cost, however, as Takashi Miyake suffered what appeared to be a hamstring strain shortly before halftime.

Miyake was withdrawn at the interval, but nonetheless managed to get his name on the score sheet. In the seventh minute, Denbe Sato played the 31-year old past his marker, and after a dribble, which he then superbly tucked his finish inside the left post. He later had a good effort saved before heading a corner over the bar.

With the opposing team needing two unanswered goals to progress, the pace of the match slowed over the course of the second half. The second goal came in the 56 th minute when Reizo Sasaki took a shot from 45 yards from the goal that screamed past the opposing goalkeeper, which put Saikawa at 2-0. Win this win, Saikawa move on to the second round to face Kahlenburg FC from Ermonte.

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Parna Courier - Sports

As he exited the National Stadium in Lemurian Islands, Club Manager Ryan Kalmar sighed a breath of relief after the Wraiths match against Division I champions, The Cardinals, came to a close. The Wraiths knew they were in for a fight, and fans were not disappointed. After an exhausting 90 minutes of play, the Wraiths were able to score the only goal of the match in extra-time.

The wraiths next match will be against the Mestran Imperials. The last time the two teams met, the match ended in a tie. It is expected to be another close and hard-fought match that football fans should be excited for.
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CFF News: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Due to the recent outbreak of the zombie virus, the Lemurian Government has ordered that the Cup be postponed indefinitely. So far, there are no reports of any players from any of the teams being infected. To insure the continuing safety of the players, fans, and residents of the city, a curfew has been put in place. People are advised not to panic, and not to leave their buildings, unless under immediate threat.

We apologize for the inconvenience.
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