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5 Simple Ways To Make Horror Movies Stop Sucking; From Cracked.com
Topic Started: Jun 19 2015, 11:28 AM (189 Views)
Kevin R.
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Another day, another rant about the state of horror movies today, this one from David Christopher Bell at Cracked. And like most of them, it's a lot of truth mixed with a lot of bullshit.

Going down the list...
  • #5: "The Best Horror Films Have Adult Protagonists." This one almost lost me right off the bat, especially since it undermines its own argument by citing Carrie and It Follows, two horror films about teenagers, as examples of films that "do it right". This definitely should've been rephrased, at the very least, to "The Best Horror Films Aren't About Horny Teenagers Getting Killed", especially since that's what the actual argument seems to be about. And even then, it still has to make exceptions for '80s slashers that pulled off that story well, while at the same time taking cheap shots at Scream (which comes up in more detail later). Besides, did adult protagonists save Dark Skies or the Poltergeist remake? The only thing I can agree with here is that too many horror movies use the plot of "horny teenagers getting hacked to pieces" as a crutch and a cheap way to get teens into the theater, but the way the argument is written, it seems like he wants to get rid of all of those movies.
  • #4: "Music Is (Scientifically) EVERYTHING." Something I can agree with, though even then, it comes with some cheap shots at the expense of found footage and Scream. An excellent score can turn a good horror movie into a great one, while bad music can derail an otherwise decent movie.
  • #3: "The Best Horror Films Are Never Made By 'Horror Directors'." Another interesting argument, even if it's one that I'm not fully on board with. It notes that a lot of the "great" horror filmmakers, like John Carpenter, Alfred Hitchcock, and Sam Raimi, proved themselves outside the genre as well with action-adventure films, thrillers, and summer blockbusters, while a lot of the classics of '70s horror were made by "New Hollywood" directors who are otherwise more famous for making more "serious" films. It discounts the genuine talent of many directors who only do horror, but it does make me wish that more of today's most acclaimed filmmakers would dip their toes into horror more often.
  • #2: "Being Ironic And Self-Aware Isn't Scaring Anyone." This was probably the point at which the article completely lost me. I'll admit that too much winking post-modernism can ruin a movie, but not every horror film has to be serious. This article's logic claims that The Cabin in the Woods, Shaun of the Dead, and even You're Next, as great as they are, have no business being called horror movies; by that logic, we might as well dismiss An American Werewolf in London, Fright Night, Night of the Creeps, and Re-Animator as well. And of course, it's here where the article goes all-in on bashing Scream and blaming it for "ruining" modern horror movies.
  • #1: "The Best Horror Movies Are Secretly About Something Tangible." Despite how badly the last point lost me, this one almost pulled me back in. Subtext, just like music, can elevate a horror movie to greatness, with this argument noting the subtext of films like The Babadook, It Follows (bringing up something I'd never even thought of before), Rosemary's Baby, The Exorcist, The Shining, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. (On that note, one thing I definitely liked about this article, warts and all, was that it sung the praises of It Follows and The Babadook as loud as it could.) It's something I've always said, it's something that's true in every genre, and it's something I appreciated reading in this article.
  • #1: "Seriously, Found-Footage Films Are The Worst." Yes, he "rebooted" his last point just to get in one last dig at found footage. At this point, it's pretty much ranting. I hate bad found-footage films as much as anyone, but this dismisses even legitimately good films like The Blair Witch Project (which I actually did sit down to rewatch, and it was still very good) and V/H/S simply by association.
So... yeah. Whatever good points this article had were drowned out by the parts that made me want to punch my computer screen.

Your thoughts?
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Kevin R.
Jun 19 2015, 11:28 AM
even legitimately good films like The Blair Witch Project


I really don't have too many positive things to say about the article, beyond the fact that I agree music is key. Fitting in subtext isn't bad either if done well, but it isn't key to making a great horror film (Suspiria, anyone?)
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Smeagollum
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I haven't really been back to Cracked after the article that said it was sexist to refer to women's vaginas as flowery and delicate and that it would be better to instead refer to them as iron boxes. :no:

One thing I'd definitely agree with is the point about non-horror directors. Case in point, Kubrick and The Shining.

And, as always, fuck "real horror" fans and their undying Scream hate. I used to skip the opening because of how messed up it was. And An American Werewolf in London is one of my scariest films. Whether there's bits of humor or whether your film is relentlessly bleak and humorless (ie his boner fodder, The Babadook and It Follows), the actual horror scenes will speak for themselves.
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Smeagollum
Jun 19 2015, 11:56 AM
It Follows
Speaking of, how the hell does he use It Follows as a characterization template? That movie's characters were so underwritten that the only interesting one is a side character who's main purpose is to trigger the plot (Jay's BF)
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Smeagollum
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Jun 19 2015, 12:01 PM
Smeagollum
Jun 19 2015, 11:56 AM
It Follows
Speaking of, how the hell does he use It Follows as a characterization template? That movie's characters were so underwritten that the only interesting one is a side character who's main purpose is to trigger the plot (Jay's BF)
You don't think having a cool seashell tablet is 100% legit character development?!

Jay must look pretty spectacular to those that didn't see the actress tear the roof down in The Guest. Like people who drink Sam's Cola and haven't tasted Coke.
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Smeagollum
Jun 19 2015, 12:08 PM
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Jun 19 2015, 12:01 PM
Smeagollum
Jun 19 2015, 11:56 AM
It Follows
Speaking of, how the hell does he use It Follows as a characterization template? That movie's characters were so underwritten that the only interesting one is a side character who's main purpose is to trigger the plot (Jay's BF)
You don't think having a cool seashell tablet is 100% legit character development?!

Jay must look pretty spectacular to those that didn't see the actress tear the roof down in The Guest. Like people who drink Sam's Cola and haven't tasted Coke.
Quriks like that can be fun side things to further distinguish a developed character, but... they don't make up for nothing being there in the first place :lolno:

Yeah. I did like her because of the actress, but so disappointing after her way better role in The Guest.
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CaineDidIt

#1: "Seriously, Found-Footage Films Are The Worst"

I am sorry but I won't ever agree with this. I enjoy a large amount of found footage films and they were never the death of horror. They weren't even the worst phase of the past 20 years.
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shiley740
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It's funny how this person thinks they know what they're talking about with a trailer for The Thing On A Ship embedded in the article. :sistrens:
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Kevin R.
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And as much I love both It Follows and The Babadook, it's fans like the writer of this article that give both those movies, and indie horror in general, a bad name. Seriously, there's room for many different kinds of scary stories, not just the "dark and gritty" ones with grisly practical effects!!! (which neither of those films had much of, BTW) and no horny teenagers!!! (even though the whole plot of It Follows couldn't happen without teen sex). It's like the inverse of the creatively-bankrupt studio executives they love to complain about, the people who have a formula for making a hit horror movie that produces nothing but formulaic pap that gets asses in seats on opening weekend. They have in their heads a formula for what not to do, and it keeps them from enjoying legitimately good movies because they have surface-level elements that automatically set off their overloaded "cookie-cutter studio bullshit" alarms. (Teenagers? CGI? Found footage? IN MY MOVIE!?!? Does not compute!!!)
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Smeagollum
Jun 19 2015, 11:56 AM
One thing I'd definitely agree with is the point about non-horror directors. Case in point, Kubrick and The Shining.

And, as always, fuck "real horror" fans and their undying Scream hate. I used to skip the opening because of how messed up it was. And An American Werewolf in London is one of my scariest films. Whether there's bits of humor or whether your film is relentlessly bleak and humorless (ie his boner fodder, The Babadook and It Follows), the actual horror scenes will speak for themselves.
I forgot to mention, but with this, I think a lot of it comes down to them being great directors. Period. There really aren't any exclusively horror directors who can touch someone like Kubrick or Fincher (Se7en)

As for Scream, most of the hate is for satiring horror more than anything else. "Real horror fans" hate it when something dates to poke fun at the apparently perfect genre or criticize it.
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