Post birth contact

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Post birth contact
Topic Started: Jun 29 2008, 09:20 PM (401 Views)
DearIP	Jun 29 2008, 09:20 PM Post #1
Advanced Member Posts: 132 Group: WIMs Member #39 Joined: June 6, 2008	OK this is an easy one if the journey went well, but we all know the nicest people in the world where the journey fell apart. I suppose it is easy to answer if the journey was a horrible mess that ended in lawyers doing the communicating for you. What about those just kinda icky journies? Nothing horrible here, it just seemed like there were little conflicts around every corner. How is it different if you live within 20 miles of each other? What do you do then?



Stef	Jun 30 2008, 12:07 AM Post #2
Advanced Member Posts: 1,356 Group: WIMs Member #4 Joined: May 23, 2008	If I have a contractual obligation, I will fulfill it; that's how I feel. If not, then I go with my gut feelings; if I feel like sending pics I will - and knowing me, I probably would, just out of simple gratitude for what she had done for us. However, that would be the extent of our contact, IF I found contact to be unpleasant for any reason. I'm of the belief that life is too short to deliberately make yourself unhappy and try to minimize the unpleasantness in my life as much as possible!!



GSlady	Jun 30 2008, 08:12 AM Post #3
Advanced Member Posts: 256 Group: Registered Member #63 Joined: June 17, 2008	Can I add to that question? Would you be willing to try to work it out with the surrogate, make the effort as you would with a good friend? Or just say, nope not working, moving on?



tiggermom	Jun 30 2008, 07:21 PM Post #4
Advanced Member Posts: 897 Group: WIMs Member #15 Joined: May 26, 2008	I think if there are conflicts constantly then it would be really hard to continue contact knowing that it's not a good situation for either party. I would hope that for most of these journeys that have small conflicts, once the baby is born the relationship would change to more of a friendship and those conflicts wouldn't exist anymore. I feel most of the conflicts in surrogacy are about finances or the pregnancy so if those are taken out of the equation, it should just be about a friendship. If the relationship continues to just be centered around the "surrogacy", then I don't see how it can be worked out. Once the baby is here it shouldn't be an IM & GS, it should be about people that enjoy spending time together without focusing on the fact that one of you gave birth to the others child. If you can't move beyond the surrogacy part then it's going to be difficult to continue a relationship. I would try to work it out, but I don't believe that if it takes so much work to be friends, that it should be forced by either side.



YoMama	Jun 30 2008, 08:47 PM Post #5
Advanced Member Posts: 590 Group: WIMs Member #23 Joined: May 30, 2008	GSlady Jun 30 2008, 12:12 PM Can I add to that question? Would you be willing to try to work it out with the surrogate, make the effort as you would with a good friend? Or just say, nope not working, moving on? Like a good friendship that went astray or just move on... neither. I think Wendy makes a good point about if it is just about surrogacy it is going to be tough later. With a previous friendship you have things that brought you together and bound you... more than experiences, but a bunch of shared beliefs, reactions, familiarity, etc. So it wouldn't be like mending a friendship if there wasn't a friendship. It would be a completely different animal. The reason I say neither is because, I wouldn't just drop and run without some really good effort... that is coming from an IM that was seeking a shared relationship with their surro and not a business deal. I don't think I would try out of obligation as much as a hope that evidentually whatever discord occurred during the journey might eventually fade enough to allow for a new relationship later... forever the optimist or naive... not sure which.



Christy	Jul 3 2008, 06:33 AM Post #6
ACK Posts: 2,490 Group: WIMs Member #1 Joined: May 3, 2008	GSlady Jun 30 2008, 04:12 PM Can I add to that question? Would you be willing to try to work it out with the surrogate, make the effort as you would with a good friend? Or just say, nope not working, moving on? Good question.....I think for a surrogate I would be willing to make MORE of an effort than I would for a regular friend. I do understand the position we are all in is naturally more stressful than a regular friendship and therefor deserves more effort on my part to get past things. We had a lot of really hard times with our previous surrogate and never thought that at the end we would be able to just walk away. Our pregnancy and transfers never ended in a liver birth so I can only say what I "think" I would have done and what my intentions were. Now if there continued to be issue after issue after issue after the pregnancy was over I think we would naturally drift away because I am not one for a bunch of self created stress and drama in my life.



Christy	Jul 4 2008, 10:33 AM Post #7
ACK Posts: 2,490 Group: WIMs Member #1 Joined: May 3, 2008	I have been talking to some surrogates recently and the thing that hit me last night was I still want a surrogate who is my friend afterward. I don't even think I can go into this with someone who I couldn't forsee that with. Jon and I have both had moments after our last disaster where we have thought let's just find some random person and have a baby and if we are friendly with afterward that's okay but not part of the goal. The baby is the goal. BUUUT I can't do it...it's not who I am nor is it who Jon is. We want to go into it again with the intention of being friends and always celebrating with our child what a cool way he/she/they came into the world. It's just who we are and if it gets us hurt again so be it but we can't change who we are nor do we want to.



CYN	Jul 4 2008, 11:02 AM Post #8
It's twins for the twins! Posts: 456 Group: Registered Member #29 Joined: June 4, 2008	Christy this makes me so happy to hear. I was so afraid your experiences would've changed you and hardened you and whomever was your surrogate might not get your whole gift. I'm so pleased to hear that's not the case and you are still willing to give of yourself in that relationship! My heart is all fuzzy right now. :heartbeat:



Christy	Jul 4 2008, 11:31 AM Post #9
ACK Posts: 2,490 Group: WIMs Member #1 Joined: May 3, 2008	CYN Jul 4 2008, 07:02 PM Christy this makes me so happy to hear. I was so afraid your experiences would've changed you and hardened you and whomever was your surrogate might not get your whole gift. I'm so pleased to hear that's not the case and you are still willing to give of yourself in that relationship! My heart is all fuzzy right now. :heartbeat: Thanks...........maybe to my own detriment :chairfall: but I am who I am and even a bad experience can't change that!



surrolena	Jul 4 2008, 11:59 AM Post #10
Advanced Member Posts: 387 Group: Registered Member #64 Joined: June 18, 2008	CYN Jul 4 2008, 11:02 AM Christy this makes me so happy to hear. I was so afraid your experiences would've changed you and hardened you and whomever was your surrogate might not get your whole gift. I'm so pleased to hear that's not the case and you are still willing to give of yourself in that relationship! My heart is all fuzzy right now. :heartbeat: ditto :sunshine: :elefant:



mom2be	Jul 5 2008, 09:50 AM Post #11
Advanced Member Posts: 173 Group: V.IP Member #35 Joined: June 5, 2008	For us, post contact is a must. I am so thankful at 20 weeks we have no issues what-so-ever in our TS/IM relationship. I genuinely like her and like to be around her. If things change, for what ever reason. My DH and I have promised each other that contact with our TS MUST continue. The baby and it`s well being are the most important issue to us. Cutting her out is wrong for the baby, so we`ll MAKE it work.



Northwesterner	Jul 5 2008, 10:40 AM Post #12
Advanced Member Posts: 294 Group: V.IP Member #5 Joined: May 23, 2008	mom2be Jul 5 2008, 10:50 AM For us, post contact is a must. I am so thankful at 20 weeks we have no issues what-so-ever in our TS/IM relationship. I genuinely like her and like to be around her. If things change, for what ever reason. My DH and I have promised each other that contact with our TS MUST continue. The baby and it`s well being are the most important issue to us. Cutting her out is wrong for the baby, so we`ll MAKE it work. This is how Joe and I feel. I wonder if part of our determination for continued contact comes from the fact that we are doing TS? With GS would we feel different?



extrachoc453	Jul 13 2008, 10:44 PM Post #13
Advanced Member Posts: 452 Group: V.IP Member #7 Joined: May 23, 2008	Northwesterner Jul 5 2008, 06:40 PM mom2be Jul 5 2008, 10:50 AM For us, post contact is a must. I am so thankful at 20 weeks we have no issues what-so-ever in our TS/IM relationship. I genuinely like her and like to be around her. If things change, for what ever reason. My DH and I have promised each other that contact with our TS MUST continue. The baby and it`s well being are the most important issue to us. Cutting her out is wrong for the baby, so we`ll MAKE it work. This is how Joe and I feel. I wonder if part of our determination for continued contact comes from the fact that we are doing TS? With GS would we feel different? This is how we feel too...


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