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Mystery in Altaya; For my Short Story Class... >>;
Topic Started: Mar 30 2006, 01:13 PM (362 Views)
Inui
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Power of Flower

*Nereus is a character created by Crysta and played by Soja and Crysta that I did not create. The idea for the Magisters Guild and various other things in the story are based on Crysta's ideas and Szurane, a roleplay ran by my friend Janelle.


Chapter 1

Maurus woke up late once again. This time, however, he was supposed to wake up in time for something, but what was it? He was staying in a rather nice inn this time, safe from the dangers of the outdoors. He had saved up money to travel to Altaya by teaching younger children to read at a cheaper price than the schools would. He sat up in bed, and looked to the window. It was partially open, allowing for a breeze to blow the white curtain aside and allow in some undesired sunlight that made the boy squint his green eyes. The sun is that high already? Wait a minute... The job interview! Maurus quickly got out of bed and slipped on his blue tunic, tying the yellow sash around his waist. The tunic was rather short, but he didn’t seem to care. He slipped on his long blue socks and then put his brown leather boots on, and then he put his blue fingerless gloves over his hands. Maurus put on his last piece of clothing; an oversized blue cape complete with a hood. He went over to the mirror and used the water from a large bowl there to wash his face. He brushed his semi-long green hair until it was perfect. He had to look good for his job interview, of course.

The young boy quickly left the room and went down the steps, passing by the old white-bearded innkeeper as he strode through the lobby of the inn, almost bumping into him.

“Hey, watch it, kid,” the gruff innkeeper said to the boy.

“Ah, my apologies, sir, but I’m already late!” replied Maurus in his youthful sounding, nearly girlish voice.

He darted out the door and ran to the building he was told to go to. Passing through the town square where people, peasants, farmers, and merchants, alike were selling fruits, vegetables, fish, and animals, Maurus bought himself an apple to eat for breakfast on the way there. Well, it was already time for lunch for most people, but it was breakfast for this late sleeper. When he got to the building, he slowed down. It was much larger than the huts and small wooden houses around the town because it was three stories high. It was actually made of stone, too. Above the large door was a sign that read “The Magisters Guild” in bold silver letters. Maurus slowly pushed open the large wooden door and entered the building, and he was greeted by the smell of ink and paper. It seemed like a typical office with people jotting things down on paper with feather pens, dipping them in inkbottles every so often, and people all around were reading documents and letters. Most of the people there looked normal, but one person caught his eye. This man was a few inches shorter than all the other men in there and looked rather young. He wore a silver badge on the shirt of his purple and blue uniform. His semi-long jet-black hair was a little asymmetrical, but it wasn’t too unruly. His blue-violet eyes met Maurus’s for a brief moment, but he quickly turned away and entered another room because he was rather busy. Now, the reason this man seemed different to Maurus was because he had pointy ears and a very slim build. Half Elf, perhaps?

There wasn’t any time to think. A middle-aged brown-haired woman from behind a desk called out to Maurus, “Excuse me, but are you Maurus?”

Maurus looked over, waking up from his daydreaming, “Ah, yes. I’m here for the interview.”

“All right. You fit the description I was given, but I was expecting a boy with that kind of name.”

Maurus sighed, blushing a little, “Ma’am…I am a boy…”

The woman quirked a brow, and couldn’t help but laugh on the inside, “Oh. Sorry about that, sir.” She pointed to the door that the Half Elf from before entered, “Go right in there. The boss is waiting for you. Lucky for you, Nereus was late today as well.”

Maurus nodded, “All right then.”

The boy went over to the door, passing by a few office workers on his way that gave him a few odd looks. He entered the room and saw an old grey-bearded man sitting behind a large, well-crafted and polished wooden desk. In a chair in front of the desk was the Half Elf, whom Maurus assumed to be Nereus. Despite the cold look on Nereus’s face, Maurus thought he looked rather…pretty, but that was common amongst Elves. Maurus now took note of a slim sword sheathed around Nereus’s waist. The sheath was rather ornate, too.

Nereus quirked a brow when he found that Maurus was sort of staring at him, and he then turned to the old man and said in his soft voice, “Sir, you can’t be serious. This is the boy you chose for me to work with?”

The leader of the guild sighed, “Yes, Nereus, and it would be a good idea to not be so rude when you first meet someone.” The guild leader smiled to Maurus, “Have a seat, lad. My name is Orynis, and I am the head of this guild. You already know our objectives and what we do, so I won’t bother going into too much detail.”

Maurus sat down in one of the less-fancy wooden chairs beside Nereus and looked around the room again, noticing that it was finely decorated with ornate furniture, unlit candles, neatly organized paper and documents, and expensive looking pen and ink sets. There was even a fireplace off the side, but it was useless right now because it was already the month of May.

“Now then,” began Orynis, “I will explain your job. As you probably assumed, you will be partners now. Maurus, you will be under the command of Nereus here, who is a silver ranked officer in the guild despite only being twenty-one years of age. He’s a talented young man. You’ll see what I mean when you work with him.” The aged man paused, cleared his throat, and continued, “Anyways, your assignment is simple. It’s been suspected that a certain cult is suspected of robbing the castle of ancient magic tomes. That same day, the king’s brother went missing. It is believed that this cult is also responsible for this. They use powerful magic that is illegal to wield. As you most likely know, it is not legal to practice the dark arts in Altaya, or her neighboring kingdoms for that matter. Nereus, you may be familiar with this cult. The Cult of the Black Flame, that is.”

Nereus’s eyes went wide and flashed with excitement, “You can’t be serious? We’re to pursue those bastards? I’m hungry for revenge and all, and have been waiting for this chance, but…!”

“Peace, my boy. You’re only investigating. I won’t send you on a suicide mission of attacking them, nor will I permit you to take the law into your own hands and enact your revenge without due process of law. The castle is a day’s walk from here by horse. Go there and ask for Commander Percival. He’ll be your ticket into the castle and the one supervising you two.”

Nereus had calmed down by now. “Right. We’ll be on our way then.” He rose from his seat, and glanced down at Maurus, “…let’s go then, Maurus.” He turned away and left the room without bothering to hold the door for the boy that followed him. “We’ll leave in an hour. Make sure you’re ready.”

The guild leader sighed, “I hope I didn’t make a big mistake here…”


Chapter 2

“Hey, wait for me!” Maurus hurried into the stable in the back of the guild building where Nereus was getting his horse. “Were you going to leave without me?”

Nereus didn’t even glance back at Maurus. He was occupied with saddling his black horse. “Oh, almost forget about you. Well, go saddle up the horse they assigned you.”

Maurus looked around for a moment before replying, “Um, Nereus, there aren’t any other horses in here. But I can just ride with you on yours, right?”

Nereus cringed, and muttered something about hating life under his breath.

“What was that? I didn’t quite hear you.”

Nereus sighed and turned around to face Maurus, “It’s nothing. Just get on the horse after I do and sit behind me.”

Nereus mounted the horse and grabbed the reigns in his right hand after leading it out of the stable. Maurus climbed up behind him and wrapped his arms around Nereus.

“Do you…have to hold onto me like that, Maurus?”

Maurus smiled to him innocently, “Well, you don’t want me to fall off, do you?”

Nereus withheld his comment. He gently kicked the horse’s sides and it moved forward. “I know of a trail that can get us there faster. It’s right through the woods back here, actually. There shouldn’t be anything dangerous around, at least not right now…”

Maurus quirked a brow, “What do you mean by ‘at least not right now’?”

“Nothing, don’t worry about it. Just do me a favour and don’t talk too much along the way.”

Maurus didn’t say anything. Nereus’s cold demeanor was annoying, though.

Peace sustained itself along the trail through the woods for a while, at least long enough for the sun to be setting already. Maurus dozed off to sleep, leaning his head on Nereus’s shoulder. Nereus didn’t quite enjoy Maurus sleeping on him, but he’d prefer that to Maurus being awake and annoying him. They were a little more than halfway there. Nereus didn’t want to be in this forest at night, but they had to leave immediately and they unfortunately were forced to leave when it was already past noon.

After a few more minutes, Nereus heard a roar in the distance up ahead, “…Wonderful. This is just what we needed.” He turned his head back to Maurus, only to notice that Maurus drooled a little on his shoulder. “Dumb kid… Hey, wake up.” He used his free hand to push the boy’s head off of his shoulder.

Maurus shook his head to wake himself up. “Huh? What is it?”

“Well, the good news is that we’re almost there.”

“That’s great! But you seem to be implying that there is also bad news…”

“Yup.” He pointed up ahead at a tree that was being pushed aside by a massive clawed hand. “That’s the bad news right there.”
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Sentenal
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Maurus...? Wasn't he one of your characters in the Raetia RP?

Seems decent, but I think the characters need their background fleshed out a bit more. But since its still early, thats probably coming.
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Crysta
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Bah. You made Nereus too nice. He would have kicked Maurus off the horse and rode over him... repeatedly...

Okay, maybe not repeatedly. And he's occasionally nice. It's just like... when everyone else is busy running away from things trying to kill them. This is definitely a step up from hiding behind Nereus and letting him do everything. XD

I wouldn't mind helping you flesh it out more later, if I wasn't fighting with my internet. Again. Le sigh.

I give it a 8.0 while Nereus erects a burning cross in your backyard.
~ Crysta, Zombie Queen
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Inui
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Power of Flower

I can't have Nereus be too mean, Jenni. Afterall, I have plans for the future with Maurus and Nereus~ :valter:

Good stories have things revealed about the characters as the story goes on, Sentenal.

And Maurus is my character in a lot of things.
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Soja
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Gentle Water, Crashing Waves

Be afraid, Jenni... :blink:
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Mirar on Sep 8 2007
06:08 PM
nigga please
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1. Break a rule enough that a moderator has to verbally warn you.
2. Break a rule enough that a moderator has to actually warn you.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
4. Repeat steps 1 and 2 again, getting suspended for a few days.
5. Repeat steps 1 and 2 yet again, getting suspended for a week and Underdogged.
6. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
7. Do all this in the course of a month.
8. ????
9. PROFIT!!!

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Crysta
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wat

... Poor, poor Nereus. He's supposed to be as fluffy and cuddly as a porcupine. You're gonna butcher his sarcastic, cynical charm and make him into your character's boytoy! >:O The primary force of his personality and complexity will be utterly ruined!

Forget the burning cross, he's going straight for the voodoo dolls. But I am curious how you're gonna do that believably if that actually occurs. At least it probably won't be as believable to Soja and I. XD

You might wanna make Maurus a little more... interesting. I think the most we have established is that he's a new recruit to some kind of guild and he looks like a chick. We already know Nereus is a half-elf, possesses some degree of resentment towards being paired with Maurus (even though it's to a much lesser extent than I would expect from my character), has an ornate sword thinger, and wants some non-specific revenge on this cult they're hunting. He already has a lot more going for him than the main character and I'm not even writing it this time. o.O;

I hope you don't decide to abandon this as soon as you grow bored, but I guess by then there wouldn't be any reason to continue it. Le sigh.

*Manipulatively attempts to ensnare his gigantuan ego into it* Well, it may be good for something...
~ Crysta, Zombie Queen
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Inui
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Power of Flower

Maurus is going to get more developed, but he'll probably end up developing through a companionship with Nereus. <<>>

And he's not going to be as mean as usual in my story. He's still going to be an asshole, but not to the level he is in Szurane. =P

P.S. I can't get bored and not continue or I won't get an A. :D
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Crysta
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wat

How long is this story is supposed to be? I figured it'd be, you know, short... XP
~ Crysta, Zombie Queen
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I always give frying pans to female survivors in Dead Rising. It's really the only thing I'm confident they know how to use.
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Inui
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Power of Flower

Crysta
Apr 6 2006, 06:42 PM
How long is this story is supposed to be? I figured it'd be, you know, short... XP

Uhh...

No idea how long it'll end up being.
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Soja
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Gentle Water, Crashing Waves

A typical chapter for my stories ends up being 12-16 pages on Word with 10 font on Times New Roman. But they're not short, and I don't advertise them to be short.

Anyway, a short story should have its plot run its course through that much prose. Any more and it's no longer a "short story," but an episodic one. The problem with this particular piece of work is that there is too much story being proposed in the beginning that can quite simply not be met within the parameters of a short story. Basically, we the audience already has a sneaking suspicion that the climax will not be anywhere near as climactic as it should be. A short story does not allow for enough build-up or development for something epic.

... That is, unless you do something in the tradition of Beowulf or Gilgamesh.
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Mirar on Sep 8 2007
06:08 PM
nigga please
Fusion Universe - FEF Fanfic
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Smartest Member '06 & '07 & '08 & 'o9 & 10, Favored Debater '07 & '08 & '09 & 10, Most Popular '08, Manliest '08 & '09, Author of Nightmares, Scourge of the Luxon, Rules Lawyer, Nick's Former Hero, Crysta's Lover

How to Get Banned From FEFF
1. Break a rule enough that a moderator has to verbally warn you.
2. Break a rule enough that a moderator has to actually warn you.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
4. Repeat steps 1 and 2 again, getting suspended for a few days.
5. Repeat steps 1 and 2 yet again, getting suspended for a week and Underdogged.
6. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
7. Do all this in the course of a month.
8. ????
9. PROFIT!!!

Congratulations! You've been banned from FEFF!
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