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A sad tale; Or it might be funny
Topic Started: May 5 2006, 06:47 AM (269 Views)
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Really, Eliwood didn't know what to think of the situation. He did realize that about 3 steps to the right of him, his good Pegasus knight Florina had just gotten her lithe and almost nonexistent armor thoroughly pierced by what appeared to be an iron spear, very similar to the kind she wielded. However, her opponent appeared to be a general of some sorts, and for whatever reason, said general's iron spear was about double his height, and 5-6 times the width of Florina's toothpick like apparatus. Florina, being about level 3 (Eliwood wasn't quite sure what that meant) was no match for the level 20/16 general (Eliwood wasn't quite sure what this meant either, but the bubbles located conveniently placed above the heads of the individuals partaking in this dance of blood and death provided such vital statistics such as HP, level, INT, Atk, and who knows what else).

Watching his Pegasus mounted comrade getting mutilated was pretty bad--however, Eliwood stood still as he noted that even though Florina was near death, she still followed the mysterious rules placed upon all of them, and for whatever reason only attacked once, albeit with graceful form and perfect accuracy. However, the conveniently placed bubble flashed a death warning of "NO DAMAGE", while Florina's damaged and half alive self fluttered back into her position, not missing a step in the Pegasus' returning techniques her tutor had drilled into her way back in the day on top of those snowy Illian ice caps. Of course, this occurred naturally after her parents died, her sisters had abandoned her for more profit related ventures and her village had exploded due to a snowstorm (I'm not sure how that works). She had cried many nights cutting her wrists and singing ICY DRAGON (the latest Illian hit describing lovers and pain and how nobody just understood us Pegasus teenage knights), and now her biggest fears were realized as she faced what was obviously a massive monolith of armor and power. It had suddenly occurred to her why she had never fit in, as the answer was obvious as day now that she was about to die. She was gay. A dyke. No wonder she didn't talk to men! No wonder Lyn stared longingly into her eyes, and she stared back, and they sighed on the plains of Sacae and dreamed of girly things they could do together. Florina stared in horror as she settled downwards, realizing that it was the general's turn to attack, as was prescribed by the official fighting rule book that was genetically encoded into every living being in the land known as Elibe (and beyond--she had heard that dragons might use this rule book as well). Today was not a good day for her.

Although he had a strong urge to move, Eliwood's feet were despondent to respond and somewhere in the back of his head a loud "WRONG!" beep-like noise was playing (FYI, Eliwood didn't know what a beep noise was, but you might know--I think). Sadly, Eliwood resigned his efforts to go aid his mutilated and outmatched comrade, and watched in dreaded awe as the general began to spin his lance in an elaborate and over-exaggerated manner, obviously prepping for what appeared to be a critical hit. As such, Eliwood realized that there was no hope for his friend, as critical hits never missed, and always did triple damage. He had experienced this one too many times when facing sword masters and wondering why there appeared to be 6 instead of 1.

The General didn't really know what to think. Actually this is incorrect, as the correct statement is that he really just didn't think at all. Actually this is incorrect also, as he did sort of think, but it wasn't really thinking, as he just had an algorithm to follow. He wasn't sure what an algorithm was, but he followed it anyway. In fact, he wasn't sure of anything, as he didn't really think, just followed. Instinctually. Kind of like how I might kick your dog if it barks at me. I mean, I might feel like kicking your dog, or it might just be that my leg flew out and slammed the heel of my boot onto your dog’s poor skull. I don't know, you tell me.

So, Eliwood watched in horror, as a level 20/16 general armed with the exact same weapon as a level 3 Florina, ripped his bloody lance straight through the Pegasus's knight's armor, ending his turn and ending the life of Eliwood's shy and emotionally stunted comrade. The last words he heard from her lithe and supple lips were "I've come out of the closet..." as he then proceeded to watch those said lips be tainted with blood as her general cephalic region was torn off of its vertebrate connection. Her jugular was split and her blood flew into the air, the last of her life force being shot out through the remains of where her head was supposed to be, blood tainting the ground crimson. Her body's bowel's failed her, and the remains of her half disposed lunch leaked through the tiny miniskirt that all Pegasus Knights were ordained to wear, further tainting what may have been a glorious and beautiful death. The retracting motion of the general's lance caused a kickback in the direction of motion her body was headed, snapping her spine and internally ripping her organs, while her petite ribs poked through the cloth-like material that once consisted of her armor, and blood further oozed onto the white skin of the Pegasus horse. However, Florina would not die peacefully, and as her head rolled of its body, Eliwood saw what would haunt him well into his later years, as the psychological source of his general impotence and inability to perform in bed: Florina's severed head cried a silent cry, with no larynx to support its message, and the deranged, dying look on Florina's face was focused on poor Eliwood, painted with direct accusation "Why? Why did you just stand and watch? Why did you not move? Are you content in listening to these rules while letting me sit here and die?"

Elsewhere, the tactician was debating with a Lady dressed in Red, demanding that she allow him to go back a turn. "Seriously what the heck man" was all he could say, while the Lady in Red just smiled and asked "Would you like to Save", offering him only with Yes/No options. Disgusted, the tactician took note of Florina's death and said "Dang, not even a Phoenix Down could cure this. Time to reset."

________________________________________________________________________

Being 3 steps to the right of his Pegasus comrade Florina, Eliwood couldn't recall exactly, but he was clearly having a sense of Deja Vu..... Really, Eliwood didn't know what to think of the situation...
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//I hate the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!
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Inui
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Power of Flower

Whoa, keep it up. This is amusing. =)
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(*Jman*)
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Kakatte Koi!

Why is Eliwood so stupid :DD
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Formerly Omni, Rosa, Terra, Serra, Captain Star Falco, Minamimoto
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Dragon_Sniper
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chicks chicks chicks

Nice. A new take on the Fire Emblem battlefield. Keep it up. ^^
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Awardz
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Feez
Ebullient Future

ROFL

That pwns! Eliwood is a noob.
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Har Har Har.

There is no more.
I wrote it off the top of my head children(s).
Was bored yuo kn0ws? ¬__¬
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//I hate the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!
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Why what's this?
Jesus was bored
So a new story was produced
oh mah gah D:
___________________________________________________________________
So once again, Eliwood was left far, far behind his friends.

~*Earlier...

"Hey Eliwood! Here's an Earth Seal! It'll promote any lord!", said Nils, the little monkey-like bard that wore short shorts and pranced about when playing his morale boosting tune (the army shortly came to question his sexuality). Eliwood was very happy--although not that pleased by the appearance of his dead lover's brother (what would he tell the kid anyways?), Eliwood smiled a big barney smile--indeed, the most hardened of pedophiliac(s) would shudder at the exhibit which was right now Eliwood, cuddling in his hands the newly acquired Earth Seal. Now that he had an item that could promote ANY lord, Eliwood could finally catch up with that snobby Mage General of Etruria, Lord Pent, and that "Angel of Death" fellow, as well as the rest of his ranks, who continued to perform what appeared to be astounding feats of fighting and acrobatic ability.

For example, just the other day, that newcomer Jaffar managed to fight off what apparently was 30 mages, 40 nomads, 60 archers, a level 15 paladin knight, and the Black Fang member Ursula--an extremely powerful Valkyrie equipped with the extremely rare and powerful spell Fibumveltr (which means cold in Swahili, btw), as well as a Physic rod and god knows what else. Hector was extremely reluctant in letting the newcomer join and tried to put on this big "HEY GUYS I'M TUFF AND STRONG" facade; of course, observant Eliwood noticed that his big armored boots were trembling in utter fear, having watched the lithe assassin boy destroy what was the better part of a small army.

Then there was Pent. Ahhh, yes, Eliwood had seen the Mage general more than once display what appeared to be an excellent mastery of every anima magic spell (the tactician said he had an S rank, w/e that meant), and his ability to attack from a one space distance let him easily crush all enemy units armed with swords/lances/axes. Indeed he was very powerful--but he always followed a strange practice, attacking with enough force to render his opponent down to almost no health, then ripping an entirely new page out of his anima book, and mercilessly bringing down anima justice. This irked the tactician to no degree, and he'd always end up yelling at the Lord, demanding, "why did you have to waste an entire page of Elfire to take care of the 2 HP you left that guy straggling with? Couldn't you have just killed him in one hit? Switched books? What's wrong with you!?" Pent, always trying to appear royal and self-assured, nervously glanced around and very stiffly replied "Pent disease", before excusing himself.

Anyhow, now was the day Eliwood too could promote. Indeed, he was happy--it saddened him that even that little Rebecca girl he picked up on his first battle against the Black Fang had managed to promote to what appeared to be Sniper class, and was a more effective unit than he was on the battlefield. Indeed, there had been many battles where the tactician had just told him to stand next to Ninian, while he could watch as that Raven fellow and that Sacae boy, Guy, slice and dice through enemy after enemy, critical-ing left and right. Indeed many a sad battle had passed, as he stood around with Ninian, waving his arm up and down, shifting his feet nervously, until he had a mysterious urge to speak to the Dragon girl; usually he end up saying cliché things like "Yeah you're beautiful" and "Why're you so sad? It hides your pretty smile”, but as he waved his arm up and down, and the girl shifted her scarf left and right, albeit now blushing redder than the crimson of her eyes (Eliwood had long suspected pink eye, but he didn’t' dare say anything), Eliwood used to think, "Maybe this isn't too bad."

BUT, I digress. Now was Eliwood's moment of glory, his chance to prove to the army that he wasn't a useless sod unable to fight, only good for stepping into chairs and declaring, "siege". He *USED* the Earth Seal, much to the surprise of everyone around him. However, nothing happen. Instead, Eliwood heard a beeping noise in his head that voiced the very essence of *WRONG*. But he wasn't about to give up. Nope, Eliwood *USED* the Earth Seal again, and once again was greeted with a beeping noise. Hector, impatient that nothing had happened yet, snatched the seal from Eliwood and in his overtly masculine and brazen voice, declared "You stupid sod. This is how you *USE* these things", and proceeded to *USE* the Earth Seal.

Lightening flashed, and struck Hector, as he disappeared from view, only to reappear one second later about two feet away, albeit carrying what appeared to be his Wolf Beil, only magnified into some gigantic abomination of an axe, approximately 700% of his old weapon. His armor hadn't changed, but his cape had suddenly been pressed, ironed and expanded into a creature of its own, and Hector's normally lazy and unprepared stance was now completely different--cocky, even. "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY", exclaimed the newly promoted Hector, as little bubbles appeared above his head, flashing +2, +3, +2, and etc. A steamroller was expected, but it's unknown if that ever came.

Expectedly, all the attention was diverted onto Hector's new form, earning many "ooohs" and "aahs" from the band of merry men (and women). However, one man--Eliwood, stood alone, and cursed his fate, and continued to wallow in self-pity. All hopes of his confidence and man-hood returning were lost. He was weaker than a little girl that lived in the outskirts of his lands, he had killed the only girl that he had ever loved with a legendary weapon he couldn't control, his stupid friend Hector had managed to use a device designed to promote ANYONE (except apparently himself), and the tactician didn't even call him Lord anymore--just Eliwood. Really, was he THAT useless?

So once again, Eliwood was left far, far behind his friends....
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//I hate the art of fighting, but I want to be the king of fighters!
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Feez
Ebullient Future

LMAOOO~

Eliwood bashing is great. B)
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Dragon_Sniper
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chicks chicks chicks

^Agreed.
Excellent fic, Jesus. Keep it up. ^^
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Awardz
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Rin
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TOTALLY A MAN

lol! this is great! I love the way you've written it.
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Av and Sig were definitely not made by Pendant or fez.
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