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Eternal Dance; HUGE spoilers for Rekka no Ken
Topic Started: Apr 24 2007, 11:35 AM (151 Views)
Maria
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I wrote this fic last year, first as a mere drabble and later as a longer ficlet. C&C are welcome! ^^


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Title: Eternal Dance
Fandom: Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken
Characters: Ninian the Dancer, Nils the Bard, Lord Eliwood of Pherae, Nergal, etc.
Pairing: Onesided Ninian/Eliwood.
Rating: PG.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Theirs * points at Nintendo*
Summary: Ninian hopes that, someday, she'll be able to dance freely. HEAVY SPOILERS for Ninian and Nils' backstory.

---


Someday, Ninian will dance only for herself.

Dancing was a part of her and Nils' cover, the disguise they took to save their lives and sanities. Nergal and the Black Fang called out for them through time and space and they replied, thinkling they had found friends... only to be imprisoned and have their quintessence sucked out from them.

The siblings had to run away. Their fake identities and talent for music and dancing served them well to hide their real selves, but it did no good when it came to keeping the Black Fang away from them. They had to constantly hide, travel through the whole continent, ask people like Lyn and Eliwood for help and protection and re-pay them with the invigorizing power of either Nils' music or Ninian's dances.

And while she knows her effect on others and thanks the Gods for being able to pay her debts to her saviors, Ninian still wishes to have a chance to simply... dance. To do so without any boundaries to anybody but herself, just enjoying how her whole body moves to the tune that Nils plays with his flute and how she feels free, beautiful... just *alive*.

Eliwood told her, in their way to the Nabata wasteland, that every year the Pheraeans hold a beautiful Harvest Festival and that his mother was also a great, fervorous and skilled dancer. The mother who raised him - along with the father who died to save Ninian and Nils, after he supported them during the months they spent as Nergal's prisioners in the Dread Island. Ninian still feels the guilt coming from those circumstances, even when Eliwood himself told her many times not to blame herself, since she had also went through lots of pain.

Ninian still thinks that, in a sense, Lord Elbert died for her own actions and sins... and for her being who she was, is, and will always be. The ice dragon trapped in the form of a young girl, which may or may not be unleashed sooner or later, if they don't stop Nergal...

Or even if they *do* stop him and the Black Fang.

That's a reason and some more to push her own needs aside for the time being, and steel herself for the day she'll have to tell her loved one the truth.

So, while Ninian still has her own wishes, in those hard times she works hard for others. To, through her sacred dance and her magical rings, give them energy and morale boosts, to pay her debts to Eliwood, to protect them as she can despite being no fighter in this current form...

And right in this moment, she's gracefully performing near to the camp's bonfire, in an attempt to make the lord's group feel better after a specially hard battle against the Black Fang. Nils plays his flute, Ninian dances, and each member of Eliwood's company (including Eliwood himself, Lyndis and Hector) follows the spectacle in their own ways. Hardened and older warriors listen to the music and observe her performance in a respectful silence, the younger fighters of all kinds are more expressive and show their opinion more openly (out of the corner of her eye, she can see Florina staring in awe and Serra grinning and slightly tapping her fingertip on her knee...)

As Nils' melody goes slower, meaning the song's almost over, Ninian's dance step also become slow and more cadencious, until she stops completely and bows at her audience. There's complete silence for some seconds... she wonders to herself what happens...

Ninian is startled when everyone breaks into applause and cheers. The loudest and more sincere ones she's ever heard.

The dancer stands up her full height and looks at the others. Sain is whistling and already asking for an encore much to Kent's shock and Priscilla's amusement, Serra tries to hide her mixed feelings (admiration and jealousy are not good friends, no no) by telling something to Erk that somehow makes him blush madly, Marcus nods approvingly and smiles at her, Rebecca is still kinda entranced and Wil is poking her with the tip of his bow to make her react, Lady Lyndis and Lord Hector practically fight to be the one who claps the loudest...

In between the happy crowd, Ninian sees Eliwood clearly. For some seconds, everthing fades away, as all of her senses are focused on the redhead young man standing right in front of her...

So, when he smiles at Ninian and joins the clapping, she bows again at him and tries to hide her tears of happiness.

-- end
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Kamaitachi
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Eyes that see into Infinity

I like the idea behind this. My biggest criticism is the shifting of tenses. I understand what you were trying to accomplish, however, I think it disrupted the flow that the story itself tried to set up.
~~~I believe in nothing. Not in sin, not in god~~~

Fusion: Rebirth
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13tanith7
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It's a good story, but, like Kamaitachi said, the changes in tenses was quite disruptive. Not only that, but, I don't mean any offense, but nothing really...happens, if you get my point. No action, no dialogue, nothing. I mean, the story made perfect sense, but didn't really go in depth at all.
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IVIaedhros
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I like some of your descriptions very much, especially the scene where everyone is applauding her dance. I thought you described that very well. If I were to add my own advice, I would say

1) Use less "..."

2) Your fic's should move toward something, whatever it maybe. Even descriptive one-shots such as these should try and move the reader towards some conclusion or new thought about the character. Why should we be caring about Ninian's dancing right now? Is it because she discovers her absolute love of dance?

3) Related to the second, try hard to keep your characters from remaining static. In a one-shot such as this, it's often ok to let characters remain the same from beginning to end, but generally they need to be changed somehow. It doesn't matter how small.

And write more! There are some beautiful images here if only you'll tell us more about them.
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