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| Eternal Revolution | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 28 2007, 12:53 PM (139 Views) | |
| Linoud | Apr 28 2007, 12:53 PM Post #1 |
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Knight of Seven
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Haha, I'm working on a story for my creative writing classes, I'll just give them the prologue though, since he wants it to tie in with the rest of the people's stories. Damn author. Mines it's standalone one. Haha, I suppose I could write a fake portion for the one he wants us to do. But here's the prologue I guess. :D The last bit of it is just new stuff I wrote for it, I've got the next scene done really, but I needed to work on the Court Scene a little. I just had that listed then I started writing most of the 1st chapter. Here you go, hope you enjoy the prologue. Eternal Revolution - Prologue "Objection!" yelled Jeff, pointing his finger fiercly across the court room at the opposing lawyer. "My client wasn't even present at the time of this murder. He was out with his friends at the time. We've already questioned these friends and they all tell the same story, My client is innocent." continued Jeff, finishing dramatically by slamming his hand down on the table. "My client did not murder the victim." stated Jeff simply. "No further statements, The jury will now decide whether or not the accused is guilty or not guilty." stated the judge,who was waiting for Jeff to finished his last few statements, as he swung down his hammer. The jury stood up, left the room and entered a smaller one to discuss their verdict. It was a long time for Linoud as he waited for his verdict. I'm innocent damnit. They know I am. Why the hell is this happening to me. After ten minutes had passed, the jury re-entered the room, and resumed their seats. The one they chose to give their verdict, the leader, stood up. "We find the accused.. Guilty of Manslaughter." stated the jury coldly. Linoud's eyes grew wide in shock. His hands went numb, he was in disbelief. "THAT'S NOT TRUE! I'M INNOCENT! I'M TELLING YOU! YOU HAVE THE WRONG GUY." he shouted as the 3 guards led him away to a room off to the back, where an escort was awaiting him to the bus. Today was a busy day in the court system he thought to himself. There was alot of criminals in the back. At least fifteen or so. That'd explain why the bus was already there to take them away, so soon after their verdicts had been passed. He was brought to a room, where he could say his farewells to his friends on the outside. "I didn't do this. I can't believe this is happening." he said quietly to them. "We'll try get you out as much as we can, We'll appeal for you as soon as we can." said one of his two friends. "Times up, the bus is waiting for you and two others to board before we bring you to the prison." stated the guard coldy before placing a hand on Linoud's shoulder and slowly leading him out of the room to the bus. "GUYS! I'LL SEE YOU WHEN I GET OUT! KEEP APPEALING!" he yelled as he was dragged out. As soon as he exited the room with the guard. The two had smirks on their faces. "Haha, Idiot. This payment will do nicely, I'm glad we took him out. Haha, time to pick up our money I think, This'll last us a long time." said one of them, laughing. "Yeah, I don't know why they wanted him, but they sure are paying a nice amount of money for our services. Haha, I could probably retire already." said the other, smiling broadly at the thought of it all. ~ |
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| Michael | Apr 28 2007, 01:57 PM Post #2 |
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JediSSJ
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OBJECTION! el oh el. Not bad. Maybe less "haha"s. |
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| Linoud | Apr 28 2007, 04:02 PM Post #3 |
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Knight of Seven
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Yeah, duely noted. I just typed that bit up at the time. xD Sounds silly. But yeah, I'll type out what I have of Chapter 1 sometime. Yay for Prison Storeh.
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| PhantomZero | Apr 28 2007, 04:14 PM Post #4 |
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Swarley
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Pretty good.
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| Hollie | Apr 28 2007, 06:59 PM Post #5 |
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Resident Brit
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First bit is taken straight out of Phoenix Wright. >____>; Also, how did you go from talking about 'murder' to 'manslaughter'? It seems you adhere to the new-speaker-new-paragraph rule a tad TOO strictly. It's still Jeff speaking, so you don't need a new line and you don't ahve to add 'Jeff said' at the end either. It could be re-written a lot more neatly as: "Objection!" yelled Jeff, his finger pointed accusingly as the opposing lawyer facing him from the other side of the room, "My client wasn't even present at the time of this murder! We've already questioned these friends and they all tell the same story. My client is innocent!" He emphasied his point dramatically by slamming his hand down on the table. "My client did not (murder the victim)*!" *cause the victim's death? 'Why the hell is this happening to me' should be a question, but that's a minor thing. Jury's, to my knowledge (which is admittedly not extensive), don't have a 'leader'. So the Judge would be the one to declare the verdict. You also don't need to hit the enter key every time you finish typing a sentence, damn it. >_>; Also, you don't use 'ha ha' in speech, unless the speaker is actually saying haha as opposed to laughing. And you overuse it anyway, but you already know that. Also, if they're his friends, what services would they have been paid for? I know that it said the friends were interviewed, and I can understand that for outrageous sums of money they'd gladly fess up Linoud to something he didn't do, but the lawyer said that his friends' testimonies had declared him innocent. Another thing to pick: if you do something directly after speaking, you need a comma and not a full stop. ? and ! still get used normally. I.E.: "I'm innocent," protested Linoud. Or: "I'm innocent!" Linoud raised his hands in protest. Yeah . . . this post turned out a good deal longer than expected. >___>; But still, keep writing. I've heard more about this and the idea is certainly intriguing. Although I do wonder how the lawyer defending him managed to make a statement like that and then have him declared guilty. Hell, the laywer's probably a better friend than the two people at the end. >_>; |
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| Linoud | Apr 28 2007, 07:03 PM Post #6 |
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Knight of Seven
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You'll see. I havent gone into detail about how long Linoud's known them either. You shall see. Keke. I blame wordpad. You'll like the first chapter though. :D Edit: And I know, I'll be piss-taking a few things in this story mind you. |
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2:36 PM Jul 11