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My Life : Chapter 8 ; Broken Pieces; Therapy Session
Topic Started: Jun 3 2017, 09:16 AM (132 Views)
Onyx Payne
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Friend | 6.3.2017 | Therapy Session


Zagan sat in one of those green leather chairs as she looked over at her therapist desk as the pendulum swings. She sat there for a good while just zoned out, thinking about everything and thinking about nothing all at the same time. Her therapist just stared at her for a moment as she pulled out her notebook. The sound of her clicking her pens top caused Zagan to look over at her for a brief moment before looking back at the pendulum.

Ever since she was released from rehab, she was ordered to take therapy sessions to keep herself in check. They used to be once a week, and now they only once a month. It was hard at first. Opening up to someone you don’t even know, but maybe that was the point. If it’s a stranger what are they going to do? They probably won’t do nothing except think your crazy, and you’re only probably going to see them once in a lifetime. This was different though, because you were talking to someone who you know you going to see again. Judging you. Taking notes so they don’t forget your story. It’s all supposed to be confidential. A safe place where you can talk, and everything you talk about stays between the four walls that surround you.

At first they started out with her childhood. It took her forever to even talk about it. Most of Zagan’s sessions were filled with nothing but silence which was a reflection of what she was dealing with on the inside. Just an emptiness that she tried to fill with violence and hate. That all stemmed from one thing. Her family. Not the one that she had now. The one she was born to and didn’t want shit to do with. Except for maybe her dad. He may have been hard on her brother, but all he did was show her unconditional love, and maybe that was the problem. It made her mom jealous, and because she was a bitch her dad turned to drinking to drown her out. Then her mother would take her anger out on her brother. All the bruises and scars that he had were blamed on a kid from school. Her brother was then forever labeled the trouble maker.

She didn’t want to believe it, but as life went on he got sent away. He left her in that home unprotected. Her dad soon drank everything away, and who was to blame when he passed because his liver finally gave out? Zagan. She took every single beating from her mom as she screamed obscenities. Blaming everything on her, because she was the only face she could put on every problem that she had.

Zagan would pray to a god that didn’t care. Didn’t even offer her a helping hand. He was silent as though he was just watching. Turning his back on her to just like everyone else around her. Soon the masks began to fall off. She saw her family for what they truly were. She had a father, who used his daughter to get the attention he wasn't getting from her mother. That wasn’t fair, and yet he would take every joyful thing that she had just so he was the only one around for her to play with. Her mother was nothing more than just a phony. They would go out, and she would put a smile on the face. Be the mom that they hoped she’d be at home. Instead of this monster that would beat them if they just looked at her wrong.

Then there was her brother. She didn’t know what to feel. Was he her knight in shining armor or just another liar. He lied about everything. Made her this fantasy life, and when he left it all shattered in front of her eyes. The illusion was gone, and there was no one to help her. To shield her from the violence. The unloved parents who did things just to offset the other. It was messed up. It messed her up. It was hard for her to take in reality. To see what was actually there instead of the masks that shielded the shadows of her past.

In result, she became this hollow person. Who put up walls to shield herself from the world, and the only thing that could make her feel again was the pain her mom used to inflict upon her. To get this small gratification she used to cut herself, and she joined underground fights to get her kicks off.

She wasn't looking to win. Hell, sometimes she would purposely let the other person just use her as their personal punching bag, and she liked it. Made her feel alive again. Reminded her that she was actually someone instead of this hollow person that she has easily come accustomed.

There was only one other thing that made her feel things that she thought she was incapable of feeling. Love, wanted, needed, and appreciated. Felicity, Alexa, and Brandon that was them.

She was someone one to them, and they were someone to her, and when she got better she thought she was doing everyone a favor. To be there for them like they have been for her when she wasn’t human. To get the son back that she carelessly lost cause she just couldn’t be normal. So her and Brandon could both be proud of something even though their relationship was fucked up.

Now she was better, and for what. To treat everyone around her like shit because she’s a coward?

Afraid to tell them how she’s feeling. Afraid if she do they’ll look at her different. They’ll treat her different. She isn’t the same, and now she feels she different. She can’t look at anything without feeling something instead of the nothing she used to feel.

Then she is taken back to that day where she saw her brother. Standing in a homeless shelter, and she blindsided him with the abuse that she hated. She began to scream obscenities at him, and in that one moment. She was no better than her own damn mother. Didn’t realize that though. Not until after everything was done, and he was laying underneath her motionless. A reflection of who she became in side. Dead.

That made her think, was she actually better or is this just another mask she put on? Just another one that allowed her to do things that she couldn’t before. She tried to be open about how she was feeling, and when she was rejected she began to close up. She went back to that place where nothing could touch her. She tried to be cold, and erase all emotion. When she couldn’t, she kept digging, and digging for something to hold. It all blew up in her face.

Brandon was pissed, she knew it. He didn’t even have to say anything she felt it. Like a dagger in her heart that she wished was actually there. Then he threw the reality in her face that she feared. The reality she was hiding from since she came home. Then the truth was there in front of her face. She was no better than the people who still haunted her mind. She was back to her house. She was back being five. Where everyone around her knew the truth, but the blindfold was still over her eyes.

She wasn’t better. She just found a new way to hide. She was still the fuck up she buried so deep inside. A fucking monster.

Who was she if she couldn't be there for her friends. Who was she if she couldn’t even offer a helping hand.

Emotional, and Selfish. She doesn’t know how to deal. The one thing she knew was that she was nothing but a coward. Afraid she can’t control herself, and that she’ll lose herself. She can't even look at her best friend without seeing her own reflection. Did this make her conceited? She didn’t know, and she didn’t care cause she’s fucked up mentally. That was something perfectly clear.

There is no one and absolutely no one who could replace the family she has now, and she wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. Even the pain she so desperately craves. The conclusion she got from all this. Was that she needed to make it right. Reach out and say she’s sorry for continuingly being this fuck up that she can’t control.

Somehow she has this power. Just have to touch something and it turns to absolute shit. Surprised her kid hasn’t been asking if he could run away. Find a better mom. Probably the girl his daddy’s been fucking. She was better, he was better, they would all be better off if she was out of the equation.

Maybe that was the solution. Say her peace, and be done with it. Let them know that she still cares, but she just stuck in this seamlessly self destruct cycle. Got to fuck everything up maybe that's her new fix. Breaking everything emotionally and not physically. No blood, no scars, who would notice? Accept the people who care.

She can be better for them. At Least she could try harder. Be what they want her to be. To be the person she used to be. The person they looked to so proudly. Now she is nothing then a fragment of their imationation. She wants to be her, just better, that’s it. That’s what she is really struggling with.

Who the fuck is she?

Mrs. Jenkins: Who are you Zagan?

Zagan’s therapist asked as though she was reading her mind. Asking her the question that she held deep inside. There was only one honest answer.

Zagan Solas: I don’t know.

She says with a shrug as she wipes away the tears that have started to come. Didn’t even feel like crying, didn’t even know that she was. Has she become so numb to feelings that she don’t even know when they’re occurring?

Zagan Solas: I don’t think I want to find out though, but I don’t want to continue being this shitty ass person. Fuckin everything up. I thought I was doing better. I thought I was doing fine. I was happy. My son was happy. People could look at me, and not feel like they needed to hide. Now, I don’t even know if it’s real, or if it’s some sort of alternate reality that I created.

Her therapist nodded her head, and began to scratch down everything she said.

Mrs. Jenkins: I noticed that Asher isn’t here with you. Like you said he would be. Why is that?

Zagan couldn’t help but look at her therapist, before looking over in the room he would be sitting in. He would be there coloring right now, but someone showed up on her doorstep she wasn’t expecting.

Zagan Solas: Brandon is watching him.

Mrs. Jenkins: Even after everything you guys been through a few nights ago, he still came to watch Asher so you could be here. How does that make you feel?

The sound of her voice made the action seem joyful, but in reality it was awkward. At that point in time she knew he hated her. Surprised he didn’t shit on her while he was there. Carrying out his promise that he made. This made her think; Did he do it for her. Their son. Both? The answer wasn’t clear. She couldn’t even look at him when he was there.

Zagan Solas: I don’t know why though.

She avoided the original question, which caused Jenkins to look at her peculiar while adjusting herself in her seat.

Mrs. Jenkins: You didn’t ask?

Zagan just shook her head. He must've figured it out where she was going, and wanted to show that some where he still cared?

She didn’t want to draw out the moment of silence that they were sharing to fill it up with yelling, and what could have been. What should have been. What should be. To be honest, she just didn’t want to hear him say the words he so easily said on twitter to her face.

Zagan Solas: All I know is that I have to fix this cycle. This vicious cycle of hurting people I care for sub cautiously. I don’t know why I do it. I need to know why, because it’s the key to figuring who I am inside. I know I am meant to be more than this. I had a family, and now it seems like they’re all gone. Not because they moving on, but because I am pushing them away out of instinct. Not letting them get close, cause I’m afraid. Afraid, I’ll bring them down with me. I can’t avoid it. I’m doing it anyway. I just want to be happy. I want to be happy, because their happy.

Mrs. Jenkins: Do you think they are really happy though?

More thoughts of confusion took over Zagan’s mind. Misery likes company, or so they say. Is that why she’s been lashing out. She sees them being miserable so she gives them away out. Letting them know she can be their companion. They can be in the same boat, and she’ll help them pattle

Was it the other way. Was she the one secretly miserable, and she was forcing them on her ship as it sank. Whatever the case, an answer was right there.

Again the previous question alludes her as she responds.

Zagan Solas: I need to be who I was, but not at the same time. I need to figure out a balance. I still need to be there for my friends. I was good at that back then. Even if it meant to just sit there and listen like I wasn’t there.

Standing up from her chair, Zagan didn’t want to be there any more. Sitting there wasn’t going to solve any thing, and like Brandon said he would actually do something. That’s what she needed to do. Actions speak louder than words.

Mrs. Jenkins: Your time isn’t up yet Miss Solas.

She exclaimed as she stood up from her chair as Zagan walked past.

Zagan Solas: It is today. We’ll come back to this on July 15th. I’ll let you know if that changes.

Words that came out in her therapist voice as she left that place. She knew what she was going to do. She was going to be open and honest. It may backfire, but she didn’t care. Her friends needed to know what was going on inside of her head. It may hurt them, but it’s not their fault. It’s hers, because she forgot who she should be first and foremost. A friend.
Edited by Onyx Payne, Jun 3 2017, 09:20 AM.
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