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grief - a table for one; an Alex Kaiser piece
Topic Started: Jul 15 2017, 07:27 PM (223 Views)
Leon Kaiser
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--

“Former HKW Bloodlust Champion found dead.”

That is how I found out that she died. I’m still processing it as we speak, but the torrent is my head is all coming together to tell me a simple thing.

The girl that I started to love is dead. The reaction on Twitter is what’s really messed up to me right now. I’m not expecting the world to mourn her, but I’ve openly seen people that have begun to berate the tragedy of her death. My sister immediately tried to speak to me on the matter, telling me to stay off Twitter. I didn’t pick up the phone the seven times that she called me so far. My hands are shaking right now, holding this stupid device on this even more idiotic app. Why am I sitting here watching the reactions go by? I sent a tweet out to Ashley, any resonance of anger that I had towards her died with the announcement. She has yet to say anything aside from an update on her mother. Beyond that, I have just sat here in my car with the inability to do anything else.

I feel numb, not just on an emotional level, but on a physical one as well. My heartbeat fluttered so fast upon opening the breaking news post that my mind decided against letting me free the overwhelming stress that it’s starting to truly process. Should I feel angry that some people like Lyle Risky are speaking ill of the dead? Should I feel grief that she’s gone now without much of a whimper? I’m…

I’m not sure how to feel.

It’s selfish to try to feel anything right now.

It’d hurt...hurt a lot.


--

Alex’s thoughts were a muddled mess. He was leaving Ohio once again after his appearance in PAROUSIA. He decided to drive up to Chicago for a surprise visit. It had been a month since they had last seen each other, due to both of their schedules just not connecting well. Despite anything that Twitter tries to display, the life of a wrestler can be devoid of the companionship that some couples display. Unfortunately for Alex and Nicole, they spent a good amount of time away. Yet, text messaging and the plethora of different ways to communicate kept them close in a way. For some eyes on Twitter, they did get to see the dynamics of their relationship.

Brought together by the combined efforts of their respective sisters, there was a rocky beginning. Both were so guarded and hostile towards anyone that the idea of them being together was almost impossible. They made a deal to silence Ashley and Artemis. They needed to go out on one date. If it failed and they were both still alive after it, they would just move on with their lives. Ashley and Artemis would have to shut up and leave them alone about their love lives. Contrary to their beliefs, the two managed to get along well enough. They went to a diner, where they let some of their guard down. With playful barbs and some interesting topics about their lives, they got closer. It was by inches, but they made an agreement after a while that they would become something.

As long as Alex never manipulated her and she never threatened him, they would work well.

That they did.

Artemis and Ashley were happy to find out that the two would attend a wedding together. They acted like they begrudgingly shared each other’s company, but there were little moments during the process that other people caught. When it came time to dance, Alex offered his hand willingly. Nicole tried to tease him, but she took his hand and they danced better than anyone else, or so they believed. Their rhythm was a little off, but they laughed about the two getting up to do so in the first place. Alex even gave her the classic dip, followed by a cute little kiss.

It was a heavy contrast to the tumultuous and harsh life they both lived. Nicole was a sadistic individual, who enjoyed the bloodshed of wrestling. Alex absorbed the hatred of his peers and delighted himself in the torment of his enemies. To many audiences, they were vile, but in that moment on the dance floor, people got to see them in a new light. For each other, they had each other's well-being and happiness at heart.

A full year of caring for another person.

It almost sounded like a challenge for Alex, really. If he had told everyone openly about his feelings on Nicole, he would get gawks of confusion. People would say he was lying. His family would gasp thinking that he finally got over his trauma and hatred. The same could be said about Nicole.
She was already hurt, thanks to what Ashley did to her. Alex sought out justice for her, but Nicole told him not to. He stopped...for her.
As he sat in the car, he realized that people still cared about her regardless. He wondered if people knew the inner workings of her mind. For all the vile things that Nicole might present, she’s a loving person inside. To her friends, she is…

Alex cringed.

Was.

Nicole was.

She was a woman that internalized a lot of her pain in order to try to help others in the best way she could. She bore her own cross like others and tried to make a name for herself in a business. She found love in the wrong place and became a figure of ridicule for what transpired with her. Over time, her want to keep her true feelings inside came to haunt her. Ashley may not have believed it, but Nicole did love her. If any of the things Nicole did to try to set her straight didn’t persuade her, Alex hoped that Ashley would see the fact she let her off for the assault as something.

Alex clenched his fists, pressing them on the steering wheel.

Alex bore the same issue. He never let anyone know the pains or feelings he felt. He never told Nicole anything. She never got to hear how bad he felt when he saw her lying in the hospital bed after the attack. She never got to know how much he smiled when she came to SAP to try to progress in her career. She never got to know how proud he was for everything she started to do.



She never got to know how much Alex really loved her. He never got to say it.

Quote:
 
“Radio silence when you’re...worried is bad.”

“I will take a heart for you.”

“Okay...I trust you enough.”


Maybe he did get to say it in other ways. As did she. She told a lot of things through her random messages. Alex knew that she suffered from mental illness, just like he did. He couldn’t stop this. It was always a waiting time to see when she would try. In this case, Alex wasn’t able to reach her in time. For that, he felt weak.

Tears.

There were tears draining from his eyes now. He looked into the mirror, seeing them run down. The tension in his body released itself. A levy finally snapped, a laughter resonated throughout the entire car. A pathetic mixture of tears and laughter ripped its way free.

Alex was too stupid. Too fragile. Too weak.

He couldn’t save the one girl in the damn world that he actually cared for.

A woman that was crazy. A woman that was hurt. A woman that actually gave a damn about the people around her.

A woman…that loved him.

Nicole Hamilton was hated, loved, feared, but she didn’t ask for help. She was brave and took everything in stride. Was it so that no one would see her as weak too? Did she not want people to worry about her?

Alex finally stopped laughing, relinquishing to a sorrowful silence. He shakingly reached for something in the glove compartment. He brought it to his hands for a moment, staring at it. He was tired from the burst of emotion. He persisted, not allowing himself to sit there motionless. He turned on the car, and rolled down the window. It didn’t take any thought for him to launch the box out into the darkness. He straightened up, trying to regain any composure. He couldn’t just sit there on the side of the road.

He sat there, though. A scowl on his face with tears dripping onto his pants. He opened the door and retrieved the box. It wasn’t right to do so.

He opened it for a good second to stare at the beautiful thing within.

It was a ring. A beautiful diamond ring.

Nicole might have found it stupid, but she always said things like that to him.

“That’s lame,” her voice rang in the recesses of his mind. She would turn her head to, pressing her hand against her jaw to hide her face from him.

She might have hid a lot well, but there was always a cute, little smile there to tell him that she didn’t think what she said.

“You’re in for a ride, Kaiser,” it was a lovely night at a diner where she sealed the deal, “I hope you understand that.”
Edited by Leon Kaiser, Jul 15 2017, 07:29 PM.
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