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So You Want to Be a Ninja?
Topic Started: Aug 19 2017, 06:31 PM (170 Views)
LeafClan

So You Want to Be a Ninja?
Marina Del Ray, CA
Location: UNDISCLOSED


We open with a bird’s eye view of the Hidden Leaf Village (yes it’s real). Doves are flying in unison over the land. Center of the village is a grand wishing well where a few ninjas are gathered together. A park of small bamboo tipis lead to a large mansion, separated by a pink asphalt road, finely-trimmed turf and an extravagant garden guarding the entrance. The lovely Edmonton door opens…

…to Dooder3G half awake with a joint tucked on top each ear. He stands in the doorway with a super soaker drawn.

“Who sent ya?”

“…I…I want to be a ninja…If I can I’d…I’d like to see Master Tonimatsu.”

“Levels to this shit. Tonimatsu-sensei don’t see no one unexpected unless you fam…you don’t look like fam to me.”

After a few moments of Dooder3G looking me up and down, he shrugs.

“Whatever come in close the door before you let Skeemer out.”

(…what the fuck???)

“Umm…okay.”

Walking in, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful it was. I mean…minus the horrid stench combo of marijuana, booze and pizza…this place was just as I had heard about. Modern Japanese art all over the walls. Stained-glass windows. Rare chandeliers. State of the art in every sense of the phrase. Just as I was soaking it all in...

“INTRUDER!!!!”

I was tackled down to the ground by what I originally thought was Rottweiler.

“Skeemer. Off.” Fingers snapped.

The attack suddenly stopped. I got up to my feet to see Dooder3G and standing next to him was…was…Pocosole. Standing tall in a long black cloak…shirtless, his pink locks flowed down to the top of hard, chiseled ches—oh my god he’s perfect.

(Keep it cool.)

“So…you want to be a ninja do you?”

Nodding shyly. Pocosole made a cutesy chuckle, standing in between Dooder3G and Skeemer3G.

“Let us give you a tour of the Hidden Leaf Village.”

“But…” Dooder3G started to say something before Pocosole stopped him.

“It’s ok. This happens once every so often, you are just too inebriated to notice.”

I wanted to laugh but my anxiety was starting to kick in hard. Everything I had heard so far was confirmed. Can I handle this? Would I fit in? Will I ever meet Sunoji Tonimatsu or…Marafuji…or or or…the legendary Great Kuchame! I bet they don’t know just how much I know, and hopefully I can keep my mouth shut and keep it that way.

“You gotta eat some pizza before the tour.”

“Umm…thanks. Buuut I’m still sorta full from earlier.”

All three of them looked at each other and bursted out in collective laughter.

“Nah you don’t understand…AYO DRAAAINNNERRRRRR!”

(OMG DRAINER IS EVEN CUTER THAN POCOSOLE OMG KEEP IT COOL. KEEP. IT. COOL.)

Drainer3G rolls into the living room area on Heely’s (I’m dripping wet) with a fresh box of mushroom pizza. I haven’t heard of this ritual and I’m not sure I’m prepared for it. Drainer3G winks at me, not saying a word and opens the box in front of me. There was only one slice left in the box. The mushrooms were huge and honestly…what girl can REAALLLYYY resist free pizza? Right. Reluctantly, I took a bite and every ex boyfriend I ever had could never compare to losing my trust the way this pizza did.

“YUCK!”

“You must eat it. If you waste it, there is no more pizza at the moment—

“FUCK YOU MEAN AIN’T NO MORE PIZZA??? THIS B—“

“—if you really want to be a ninja, this is the very first of our rituals. You must see the Hidden Leaf Village for what it really is. Your natural conscious can only see so much. It is your subconscious eyes that will see all there is to see…and more.”

I finished eating the slice of pizza and almost instantly I started feeling weird.

“Where’s the bathroom, I think I’m going to puke…”

“If you puke, it will not work. You must hold it down and wait for the tour to begin…take a seat on the couch and fasten your seatbelt."

On the verge of dry heaving, I sit on the couch and grab a bottle of water that was on the glass table in front of me.

“Just breath. Slowly. In through your nose and out of your mouth.”

Pocosole spoke to me calmly. His voice was so soothing that I laid back and sunk deeper into the couch. Pink suede. Luxurious. After a few more moments, Pocosole’s voice became really distorted. My vision became distorted as well.

And so the tour began.

Suddenly I was falling into the milky way galaxy, landing on planet Uranus. The planets were all centered around the sun, and we were moving moderately fast.

“The sun is what you seek. But first you must understand the Earth. But before you understand Earth, you must understand our land.”

“GREENLAND BITCHEEEESSSS!!!” Dooder’s voice faded out as we melted into the atmosphere of Uranus.

“This is the land of Verdemous. Where I am LORRRRDDDDT! This is the home of Gang Green Gang.”

An army of blonde soldiers in black ninja suits and green belts were strewn about in formation.

“All ninja start here as soldiers of Verdemous. This land is ruled by Master Marafuji Arusaki. Here, you learn the basics with some of the best world-renowned ninja. You train all day long and spend the nights taking care of the overlords.”

Before my eyes, I could see flashes of young warriors doing laundry, and cooking food for their trainers.

“One day you train in combat. The next day you train your body with Master Marafuji himself.”

With his luscious beard and long mane, Marafuji stood tall like a skyscraper, hold large green dumbbells in each hand. He peeped down at us down below and simply smiled. Suddenly we fell into a time warp. We landed on Earth, smack dab in the heart of Miami. But this wasn’t ordinary Miami.

Everything was pink. Pocosole’s voice surrounded me, wrapping me up like pigs in a blanket.

“Welcome to Stravosphere. This is where I live and where I manage the image of each of our ninja once they’re ready. You’ll notice here that none of the ninja are in Gi. That is because in the Stravosphere, you are free to explore your individuality. Dress how you want. Pick up a hobby. This place is like almost recess for members of the Hidden Leaf. Ninja can develop their personality if they plan on being on television. Here we aren’t just training wrestlers. We develop models.”

Everyone here was attractive. Everyone looked like they had some sort of talent. This would be a casting agent’s paradise...as I’m sure it is.

“Broadcast journalist. Musicians. Actors and actresses. Some ninja like to crossover and that is why Stravosphere is open all day and all night, where you can learn to be just about anything you want. Life is all about giving each and every one of us free reign to be whatever our heart desires. The average mortal is bogged down by societal pressures from family, friends and the media. If you want to be a part of the Hidden Leaf Clan, you’ll have to learn to shed those pressures and free fall. Then…”

We fall into the ground and land inside of a mahogany room. Pink and gold accented every piece of oak furniture. Straight ahead of us was a table full of fancy candles.

“Once you’re ready…it’s time for evaluation.”

We got closer and closer to the table, when I realized a man sitting with long black hair covering his face. Smoke from the incense created a bed of smoke, hovering over the table. We reached the table and the man lifted his head, showing that he wasn’t just a man…it was…it was him.

His tanned skin glowed behind the candlelight. His brown eyes gazed into my own.

“T…T…Tonima—“

“Shhh…” He smiled at me. “Hello there sweetheart. Welcome to the Hidden Leaf Village, where the sky is only a staircase.” Sunoji stood up towering over us like the giant he was and blew a kiss, which actually dropped down and splashed me right on the cheek.

“I hope to meet you soon.”

Just like that, we were back outside of the Milky Way.

“This is just a glimpse into our world. As you can see, it’s The Great Kuccame who holds everything together. For he is the ultimate source. To see him is rare, but everything we do is under his great name. For if weren’t for the ancient battles of Kuccame on Earth, which you will learn about in time, none of us would be here today.”

A large cloud of marijuana smoke formed below us. The smoke warped itself into a peace sign.

“That is the God himself, pleased to hear us praise him. Making him proud is a lifelong journey for a ninja. It’s a journey that even the Masters are on. However, wondering if there is ever a destination to your journey does not display faith in Great Kuccame’s legacy. We don’t work for his approval. We work to be the very best versions of ourselves. His approval is simply confirmation that you’re living the ninja way. We know what side of our bread gets buttered. You will as well in due time. If you prove yourself worthy, there is no limit to what you can accomplish here in the Hidden Leaf Village.”

I came to, and we were back inside of the mansion. Skeemer3G was knelt down right in front of me (please don’t hump my leg), Pocosole and Dooder3G were right in front of me.

“That’s some good shit right? DRAINER ORDER MORE PIZZA DOOOOOOD!”

I laughed and nodded before looking at Pocosole who still didn’t look too impressed with me.

“So do you still want to do this? Do you still want to be a ninja?”

Without thinking twice, I jumped up to my feet.

“Yes! I’ll do anything…”

Pocosole raised an eyebrow before exchanging glances with Dooder and Skeemer. All three gave a quick nod to each other. Skeemer3G gave a sinister smile while Pocosole whispered to Dooder3G who sprang into action, leaving the room. Shortly after he came out with a black Gi with green trim.

“Training for you begins in 33 hours. Say goodbye to your family.”

…whoa wait…what????!?!?!?


Edited by LeafClan, Aug 19 2017, 06:35 PM.
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