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First Mundus Prize; Comedy Competition
Topic Started: 9th June 2014 - 08:43 AM (976 Views)
DaveIronside
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Bendix Landau (1880-1939)
Quiet a few people wanted a Prize, Festival, whatever and I said in my internal targets the firs Mundus Prize would start on the 9th of June. Sadly I hadn't appreciated how much work the setting up of a culture zone would take so until the Mundus Prizes official home is established this will do more than nicely.

So here is the competition.


THE GREAT MUNDUS JOKE FEST

Lots of you are snowed under with revision and work stuff at the moment so I thought it would nice to give those people a smile and a laugh. I ask people to post there best joke here and the funniest one will be crowned Mundus Comedy Champion 2014.

Rules.

1. You can post as many jokes as you want but please make each joke a single post.

2. Please remember we have young people using this forum so nothing to rude.

3. Please remember that we have people from a wide variety of nationalities and religions so nothing aimed at offending them.

4. This will be open until the 25th June (other Prizes may start in the meantime) when I will ask people to pick which their favourite is, best one wins.


ENJOY
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Bendix Landau (1880-1939)
Figure I should start this off, for obvious reasons one of my favourites


A Navy Officer and an Air Force officer find themselves using the gents toilets at the same time. Both stand there staring straight ahead, as you do. Upon finishing the Navy officer walks over to the sink and begins washing his hands, meanwhile the Air Force officer heads to simply walk out. The Navy officer says "In Navy basic training an officer is taught to wash his hands after going to the toilet". The Air Force officer stops, turns round and replies, "Well in Air Force basic training we're taught not to pee on our hands."


Rubbish I know but the bar can now only be raised.
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Matthew Vinage
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A man walks up to a pub, named "The King's Legs" in which he is a regular. He goes to order a beer but realises he has no money. The barman says "well, come back tomorrow with some money and I'll pour you a pint." So, the man comes back the next day, but again, he has forgotten his money. So, he heads home again without having a pint. He returns to the pub again the next day, and has made sure he has money on him. However, the pub is closed. A policeman walks up to him to ask the man why he is loitering, and the man says "oh, I'm just waiting for the King's Legs to open so I can get a drink!"
Edited by Matthew Vinage, 9th June 2014 - 12:25 PM.
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DaveIronside
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Bendix Landau (1880-1939)
Not rude at all. Go for it
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Aeviternus
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A rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the bartender says "we don't serve ropes here." The rope leaves.

The rope comes back the next day and asks for a drink, but the bartender again says "we don't serve ropes here." The rope leaves.

The rope comes back a third day and asks for a drink once again. The bartender angrily says "Stop coming in here and asking for a drink! We do not serve ropes here!"

The rope goes home and out of frustration gets all tied up and cuts himself.

The rope walks into the bar again and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Aren't you the same rope that comes in here every day asking for a drink?"

The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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Great Jonathania
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(This was a story told by an African-American comedian (I forget which one) who claimed that this actually happened to him. It even has two punch lines.)

It’s a normal afternoon in 1960s Alabama when a whites-only diner is full of people. A black man walks in to get food.

The waiter says “Sorry, but we don’t serve black people here.”

“That’s okay,” said the man, "I’m not ordering the black people. I’m ordering the chicken.”

* * *
The waiter comes back with the man’s order, but still has a bad attitude, so he says “Whatever you do to that chicken, I’m doing to you.”

The man picks up the chicken and kisses it on the butt.
Edited by Great Jonathania, 10th June 2014 - 07:50 PM.
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Great Jonathania
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A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!
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Great Jonathania
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A guy walks onto the stage of a Vegas nightclub with a box. Out of the box, he pulls a tiny man and a small piano. The tiny man sits at the piano bench and performs. He is an amazing performer. He can play pieces by Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, and Schubert, as well as pop songs such as Beatles and other famous groups and musicians. After a wonderful performance, he takes a bow and steps back into the box.

Later that night, the guy is walking to the car in the parking lot and runs into one of the people in the audience comes up to him.

“Wow, that was amazing! How did you find that tiny man!”

“Well, you know, I was cleaning out my attack when I found an old box. Inside the box, I found an old, dusty lamp. I rubbed it, and a genie came out. I actually have him in my trunk. You can make a wish if you’d like.”

The guy from the audience follows him to the car, rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out. He makes his wish.

“I wish I had a million bucks!”

All of a sudden they are surrounded by a million ducks.

“What happened?”

“I probably should have mentioned that he’s hard of hearing. Do you think I asked for a nine-inch pianist?"
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An American, a Hindu and a Russian land in Purgatory. A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself." The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium sheets. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell. "Next", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself." / "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes and rises a couple of inches off the ground. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed. "Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go." / "Thank you, but only after I see how this one makes it out of this.", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian. / "Your call." The angel turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?" / "With the Hindu, of course."
Edited by MikeRaven, 10th June 2014 - 08:17 PM.
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MikeRaven
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The first report of the first Chinese human spaceflight: "All systems operational, boiler-men on duty!"
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Arpeggi
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Wouldn't you like to see a positive drug story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.
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Arpeggi
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My humor so it may not be "funny" to everyone else but I love it, orgibal joke from Bill Hicks
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Arpeggi
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
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Great Jonathania
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Arpeggi
10th June 2014 - 08:41 PM
Wouldn't you like to see a positive drug story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.
. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . ,.-‘”. . . . . . . . . .``~.,
. . . . . . . .. . . . . .,.-”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .“-.,
. . . . .. . . . . . ..,/. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ”:,
. . . . . . . .. .,?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\,
. . . . . . . . . /. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,}
. . . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`^`.}
. . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:”. . . ./
. . . . . . .?. . . __. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :`. . . ./
. . . . . . . /__.(. . .“~-,_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`. . . .. ./
. . . . . . /(_. . ”~,_. . . ..“~,_. . . . . . . . . .,:`. . . . _/
. . . .. .{.._$;_. . .”=,_. . . .“-,_. . . ,.-~-,}, .~”; /. .. .}
. . .. . .((. . .*~_. . . .”=-._. . .“;,,./`. . /” . . . ./. .. ../
. . . .. . .\`~,. . ..“~.,. . . . . . . . . ..`. . .}. . . . . . ../
. . . . . .(. ..`=-,,. . . .`. . . . . . . . . . . ..(. . . ;_,,-”
. . . . . ../.`~,. . ..`-.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..\. . /\
. . . . . . \`~.*-,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..|,./.....\,__
,,_. . . . . }.>-._\. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|. . . . . . ..`=~-,
. .. `=~-,_\_. . . `\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . .`=~-,,.\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . `:,, . . . . . . . . . . . . . `\. . . . . . ..__
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .`=-,. . . . . . . . . .,%`>—
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Arpeggi
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Great Jonathania
10th June 2014 - 10:13 PM
Arpeggi
10th June 2014 - 08:41 PM
Wouldn't you like to see a positive drug story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.
. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . ,.-‘”. . . . . . . . . .``~.,
. . . . . . . .. . . . . .,.-”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .“-.,
. . . . .. . . . . . ..,/. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ”:,
. . . . . . . .. .,?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\,
. . . . . . . . . /. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,}
. . . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`^`.}
. . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:”. . . ./
. . . . . . .?. . . __. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :`. . . ./
. . . . . . . /__.(. . .“~-,_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`. . . .. ./
. . . . . . /(_. . ”~,_. . . ..“~,_. . . . . . . . . .,:`. . . . _/
. . . .. .{.._$;_. . .”=,_. . . .“-,_. . . ,.-~-,}, .~”; /. .. .}
. . .. . .((. . .*~_. . . .”=-._. . .“;,,./`. . /” . . . ./. .. ../
. . . .. . .\`~,. . ..“~.,. . . . . . . . . ..`. . .}. . . . . . ../
. . . . . .(. ..`=-,,. . . .`. . . . . . . . . . . ..(. . . ;_,,-”
. . . . . ../.`~,. . ..`-.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..\. . /\
. . . . . . \`~.*-,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..|,./.....\,__
,,_. . . . . }.>-._\. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|. . . . . . ..`=~-,
. .. `=~-,_\_. . . `\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . .`=~-,,.\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . `:,, . . . . . . . . . . . . . `\. . . . . . ..__
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .`=-,. . . . . . . . . .,%`>—
Oh, you're clever.
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Arpeggi
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one more for me:

As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like “awesome” and “wonderful” like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word “amazing” to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted “amazing” on a fucking sandwich.
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Great Jonathania
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Q. A Canadian, a unicorn, a leprechaun, and a feather are all dropped off the empire state building at the exact same time and at the exact same elevation. Which one hits the ground first?

A. The feather, the other three do not exist.
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Soyuz1
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A Briton walks up to an immigration desk in Australia. The immigration officer asks him, "Do you have any prior felonies?" The Briton replies, "I'm sorry I didn't realize that was still a requirement."
Edited by Soyuz1, 11th June 2014 - 05:13 AM.
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Soyuz1
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Two friars began to struggle financially and were in danger of falling behind on their belfry payments. In order to generate some extra revenue, the two friars opened up a flower shop. Everyone in town loved buying flowers from the friars, which angered a rival florist, who saw their practices as unfair. He came to the friars and asked them to close their store, but they refused. The next day, the rival florist came back and got on his knees and begged and groveled to try and get the friars to close up shop, but they ignored him. So, the rival shop owner resorted to drastic measures. He hired Hugh, the toughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the meddling friars into closing their flower shop. Hugh visited the friars' shop, roughed them up, and trashed the store. He warned them that he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, the friars stopped selling flowers, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Soyuz1
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A man walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a drink, but he can't help but notice that a man at the end of the bar has a big orange head. He beckons the bartender over and asks him about it. "Oh that guy? It's an interesting story actually. If you buy him a drink, he'll probably tell you," replied the bartender. So, the man took the bartender's advice and ordered the man another cocktail. "Thanks," began the man with the big orange head, "you probably want to hear the story about my head right?" The man nodded. "Well, a couple of years ago, I was walking along the beach and I noticed that an antique lamp had washed up on shore. I picked it up and rubbed it. To my surprise, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for releasing him from his eternal slumber. So, for my first wish, I asked to be the richest man in the world. The genie folded his arms across his chest, nodded his head, and it was so. I was surrounded by bags of money, debit and credit cards, and property deeds. For my second wish, I wished that I could marry the most beautiful girl in the world. The genie nodded his head, and out of the water came the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. She and I began talking, and really hit it off. The genie married us right there on the beach. For my third wish, and this is where things started going wrong, I wished that I had a big orange head."
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President Pete
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Quote:
 
Q. A Canadian, a unicorn, a leprechaun, and a feather are all dropped off the empire state building at the exact same time and at the exact same elevation. Which one hits the ground first?

A. The feather, the other three do not exist.

:( now I feel sad and insignificant.

An American, Scotsman, and a Canadian were all killed in a car accident. When they arrived at St. Peter's gate, the old saint told them, "I'm sorry, but there's been a mistake. Your lives aren't supposed to be over yet! You each need to give me $100 in order to be sent back to earth."

The American forked over the $100 and suddenly awoke at the scene of the accident, feeling quite alive and well. A paramedic rushed to his side and asked, "What happened to your two companions?"

The American looked around and shrugged. "Last time I saw them, the Scotsman was haggling over the price, and the Canadian was demanding the government pay for it!"
Edited by President Pete, 12th June 2014 - 04:44 AM.

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Tytor
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The following jokes are not my invention, but they are some of my favorites:

A Texas oilman died and went to heaven. After a few days, his bragging was starting to get on St. Peter's nerves. No matter what part of paradise he was shown, the oilman claimed it failed to measure up to Texas. Finally St. Peter took him to the edge of heaven so he could look straight into hell. "Have you got anything like that in Texas?" the saint demanded.

"No," the oilman replied, "But I know some ol' boys down in Houston who can put it out."
Edited by Tytor, 12th June 2014 - 07:14 PM.
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

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Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
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"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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At a meeting near the seashore, the Russian and American presidents argue over who has better submarines.

Russian president: "Our submarines are so great, they can dive for six months before they need to surface!"

American president: "Well that's nothing, our newest model can dive for a year before it needs to surface!"

Just at that moment, an old rusty submarine surfaces next to them. The hatch opens, and a scruffy looking sailor pops out: "Heil Hitler! Any of you know the direction to the next gas station?"
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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A newly arrived immigrant from the Soviet Union tried his best to answer the questions posed by a journalist.

Journalist: "How was life for you in Russia?"

Immigrant: "Couldn’t complain."

Journalist: "Did you like your job there?"

Immigrant: "Couldn’t complain."

Journalist: "And how was the schooling for your children?"

Immigrant: "Couldn't complain."

Journalist: "So, you were happy in Russia?"

Immigrant: "Couldn't complain."

Journalist: "Well, then, if you couldn't complain why have you come to the USA?"

Immigrant: "Because here I can complain."
Edited by Tytor, 12th June 2014 - 07:16 PM.
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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A dairy from a communist nation:
First day: I turn on the TV – Lenin.
Second day: I turn on the radio – Lenin.
Third day: I read the newspaper – Lenin.
Fourth day: I look at the posters – Lenin.
Fifth day: I’m afraid of opening the fridge.
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response.

"You there," the sergeant shouts, "the imaginary enemy is advancing, and you're caught in the crossfire. Action!"

The recruit takes two steps to one side.

"What are you doing, man?" yells the sergeant, purple with fury.

"I'm taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant," answers the recruit calmly.
Edited by Tytor, 12th June 2014 - 07:17 PM.
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply, "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "This is a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There's one last reply: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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"Ours is a good resturant," said the manager, "If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot peppers, you get the hottest peppers in the world, and–"

"I believe you," said the customer, "I ordered a small steak."
Edited by Tytor, 12th June 2014 - 07:18 PM.
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

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Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
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In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

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"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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A patron in a Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained, "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water!"

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude–French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute!" roared the patron, "The other tap is also marked C!"

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
Edited by Tytor, 12th June 2014 - 07:18 PM.
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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A man was forever writing to his bank asking for his overdraft limit to be increased. The bank had always obliged, but when things eventually sarted to get critical, he received a letter from the manager that began: "Dear Sir. We are concerned about three overdrawn accounts at this bank, your own, Mexico's and Brazil's, in that order."
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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Tytor
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And finally:

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A fish.
His Majesty Michael the First, by the Grace of God, King of Tytor and her Colonies, and Lord Protector of Floodwater

His Excellency Juvenal Massaquoi, President of Ubakasa, Protector of the Revolution, and Father of His People

Factbook -- News -- Press Office

Former Governor-General of The Infinite Alliance
Former Ambassador to Albion and the Global Right Alliance
Former Vice Premier and Speaker of the Senate of the Independent Order
Professional Procrastinator

In firm opposition to Donald Trump's inevitable reelection campaign in 2020

Non-partisan and proud of it

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
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President Pete
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A farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young females, known as "pullets," and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept meticulous records, and any rooster NOT performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

Monitoring his Rooster's sexual prowess proved to be quite a task, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on his porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster, "Old Butch", was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. But the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to the farmer's amazement, clever Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. This enabled him to sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

The farmer was so proud of Old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was that Old Butch was awarded the "No Bell Prize." At the State fair, he won the "Pullet Sur-prise".

Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by simply being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them.

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Arpeggi
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Capitalism is a lot like an airplane in which the pilot announces to his passengers that he has two pieces of news to tell them. The good news is that they are traveling at the pre-established speed of 600 miles an hour and all the systems on the plane are functioning perfectly. The bad news is that they are lost.
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Arpeggi
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Question: What is the difference between feudalism and capitalism?
Answer: Under capitalism, your labour benefits your boss more than you. Under feudalism, it's the same but you get religious holidays off.
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WookieO
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What do you call a cow that gives no milk?

An udder failure.
A hairy twazzock for all occasions.

Here from the GRA, for larks.
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WookieO
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It's "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
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WookieO
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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said "Just use a bloody spoon. You're not a Jedi."
A hairy twazzock for all occasions.

Here from the GRA, for larks.
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WookieO
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Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
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Joe Bobs
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Three old ladies who suffer from memory loss are having a day out at the beach.

One of them decides to get an ice cream. "I'm going to get an ice cream, do you want one?"

"Yes," says the second, "I'll have a 99, you know the whipped vanilla in a cone."

"Me too," says the second.

"OK, three 99s, I've got it."

"No Mabel, don't try to be brave. We all know you have a bit of trouble with your memory."

"So do you!" retorts the first.

"Well yes, but, that's not the point, why don't you write it down?"

"No, it's fine, I can remember three bloody 99s! Right I'm off."

"Hang on!" says the second, "I want a chocolate flake in mine."

"What are you talking about Doris, they always put flakes in, that's part of a 99!"

"Well some times they don't sometimes you have to ask. My youngest took me to Filey last weekend and I got a 99 and there was no flake!"

"You went to Filey last weekend? And had another ice cream? You know Dr. Wilson said you need to watch your weight with your diabetes."

"I'll worry about my weight just fine thankyou very much, you could lose a few pounds yourself!"

"Can I have a flake too?" interrupted the third.

"Fine," said the first, "so it's three 99s and don't skimp on the flakes. No problem. I'm going."

"Hang on!" said the second, "I want raspberry sauce on mine."

"You mean strawberry sauce dear?"

"No it's raspberry sauce. They put raspberry sauce on ice creams, it's strawberry on cheesecake."

"It's the other way around you silly old thing."

"Couldn't you just say red sauce?" offered the third.

"And what if we get tomato ketchup all over our ice creams?"

"Ooh no, I'd rather not have ketchup on my ice cream. I'll have some raspberry though"

"Strawberry!"

"Whatever!"

"Fine," said the first, "Three 99s, don't forget the flakes, with strawberry sauce"

"But write it don't Mabel! You're definitely going to forget it!"

"I wish you had more faith in me dear. Right, I'm going!"

"Hang on!" said the second. "I want nuts on mine."

"I thought you were allergic?"

"No that's penicillin dear."

"I don't think I'd confuse nuts with penicillin."

"Well I know my own body and I am not allergic to nuts. Besides, it's my problem if I am, you're not my doctor Mabel!"

"Can I have nuts too?" chimed the third.

"OK, three 99s, no flakes-"

"With flakes!"

"Three 99s, flakes, sauce-"

"Raspeberry sauce!"

"Three 99s, flakes, strawberry sauce, nuts. I am going."

"Will you please write it down dear?"

"No, I've been doing all those brain training things on that calculator thingy my little Alfie brought me."

"You can't fool me Mabel, I know you don't know how to use that thing, I saw you trying to order room service on it yesterday."

"Oh, can they do that?" enquired the third.

"Well I'm not writing it down anyway. I'm going."

"Hang on!" said the second, "I want hundreds and thousands."

"Oh yes me too," said the third, "lovely."

"Hundreds and thousands?"

"You know Mabel, those little sweets they dip them in?"

"But you asked for nuts?"

"Well I want both!"

"But they only let you have one sauce and one dip in some places."

"Well you'll just have to turn on the charms old girl!"

They all had a good laugh.

"OK, so it's three 99s, three flakes, three strawberry sauce, three nuts, three hundreds and thousands."

"Dearie you need to write this down, you'll never remember it and you'll be annoyed at yourself and you'll come back all in a flutter."

"No! Will you have some confidence in me? I am going."

The first took off down the beach. In a few minutes she came back holding three burgers.

"Oh no, what you done," said the second, "you forgot my fries!"
"There's nothing shameful in ignorance; what's shameful is an absence of desire to absolve ignorance."

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Arch Chancellor of the Founderless Regions Alliance | High General of the GRA Defence Force | Correspondent for The Rejected Times
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Joe Bobs
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Sherlock and Dr Watson have gone camping, and are falling asleep in their tent. A few hours later, in the dead of night, they wake up and Sherlock turns to Watson.

"My dear Watson, look up at those stars twinkling in the inky black sky. Look up and tell me, what do you see? What does this tell you?"

"Well, it tells me that the universe is an unfathomably large place. That space extends for infinity. That up there are billions of galaxies stretching like clouds of dust across the vast canvas of the cosmos. That our own Milky Way is but one small corner, and that itself is filled with billions of stars, each one so beautiful in our sky, but it's really just an unfeeling, unknowing gigantic nuclear explosion. That the sky is filled with unseen malevolent forces of nature that plow on their inevitable path towards the death of all being, that humanity and all we hold dear are like blades of grass to them, to be swept aside as the dance that has been danced since the dawn of time plays out.

"It tells me that each one of these stars is a vast number of lightyears away and that the stars themselves are probably long dead. I am reminded that when the light I am seeing now began its journey to my eye, dinosaurs roamed the earth, and that tells me that existence truly is futile. We will never be able to transcend such distances and will not communicate with another planet, or find our God up in the Heavens, and we will never escape of this cold, unforgiving rock we call the Earth, and that we are slipping inevitably towards our own demise. Our lives are short and cruel, and so is our planet, so is our galaxy, so is being."

Holmes was quiet for a while as he stared up at the sky.

"Yes, well that's all very nice Watson, but more importantly it means someone has stolen our bloody tent!"
"There's nothing shameful in ignorance; what's shameful is an absence of desire to absolve ignorance."

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Joe Bobs
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I thought the results were on 25th June? :(
"There's nothing shameful in ignorance; what's shameful is an absence of desire to absolve ignorance."

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DaveIronside
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Bendix Landau (1880-1939)
They were going to be, once we had a new Culture Zone created, that was delayed so we postponed it to the weekend. Voting is open for 48 hours so we'll bring you the results soon. Sorry for the delay and thanks for getting involved.
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Bendix Landau (1880-1939)
If you haven't already you can vote here.

http://w11.zetaboards.com/Independent_Order_NS/topic/10370530/1/#poll447294
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"Togetherness Is Strength"
May The Gods Watch Over You and Your Aim Be True
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Joe Bobs
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Thanks! :)
"There's nothing shameful in ignorance; what's shameful is an absence of desire to absolve ignorance."

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