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| Immortals; Zach needs advice on the 1st chapter of his book | ||
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| Topic Started: 1st December 2015 - 07:14 PM (202 Views) | ||
| zachpack11 | 1st December 2015 - 07:14 PM Post #1 | |
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Indisputeable Emperor of Anarchy
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Hey Guys! So I'm very slowly writing a book, and I'm going to stay with this one. I've written about 1/2 the first chapter, and part of a different chapter. So as to spoil nothing, here's just what I have of the first chapter. Please tell me any of your thoughts! Concerns? Inquiries? Oddities? Confusion? Praise? ALL IS WELCOME! The people, huddled together for warmth, all stared at the ground, silently waiting. A few faint whispers and grunts could be heard from the crowd. Someone sneezed, and then sneezed again. Many of the people wore multiple layers of ill fitting clothes, and many smelled of sweat, urine, and less pleasant things. A few shopping carts covered by thin and dirty blankets dotted the crowd. Among the people was Alejandro Chavez, a seventeen year old boy. Alejandro, who chose to go by Alex, was relatively short, only five foot two. He had just a whisper of a black moustache, broad shoulders, and eyes the color of a forest floor after a rainstorm. He had a long, slightly upturned nose, thick dark eyebrows, and curly black hair. Unlike most of the people, Alex had on a full winter coat, big for him as it was, and gloves. The collective breath of the crowd was visible as a light cloud of CO2 in the cold. The crowd waited restlessly for their monthly unemployment check, of $20, as well as their food relief check of $20. Barely enough to feed a family for a day. Finally, the lights of the relief center came on with a flicker. Initially men and women sprinted for the door, shoving each other out of their paths to get the money they needed to make ends meet. The loudspeaker overlooking the relief center blared “CItizens, calmly enter the relief center one at a time”, the citizens obeyed, but not much longer, a murmur passed through the crowd once more, “what’s going on?” Alex asked the woman in front of him, she did not respond. Hesitantly tapping her shoulder, he asked again. “They say there’s no more unemployment checks. Been cut.” she responded curtly, and frustratedly. The murmur became louder, “Why the fuck’s it been cut!?” an aging man demanded an answer. “Cuz lazy asses don’t need a free ride”, The relief officer responded. The relief officer was a second gen, but not exactly an Immortal. The Immortals were those who could afford to store their memories and brain data on a government supercomputer. They could upload the data to a bioengineered vessel as many years later as they desired, what would be known to non-Immortals as a “fake body”. It allowed the Immortals to live forever, travel through time, and live infinite lives. The second generation relief officer’s family could only afford to rent storage for their memories a short time, instead of buying permanent storage of his brain data, though he still had an artificial body. Artificial bodies were built to be immune to most diseases, and to physically superior to the bodies of those too poor to afford an artificial body. The officer’s jeers continued, “You’re all druggies and crazies!”. A few members of the crowd protested his claims loudly, “At least we’re human!”, the officer smashed the butt of his rifle into the face of a man in front of him, possibly the man who had accused him of being inhuman. At that, the crowd exploded, “Give us our money!”, a woman shouted, “The bastards!”, shouted a man, and with that, they rushed at the officer. Like a wave of flesh, they crashed down on him, sending him sprawling him on the ground. Ignoring the fact that he was underfoot, they charged into the small building, bloodying the man severely, his groaning and screams drowned by the fury of the mob. Seeing nothing good could from the mob, Alex pushed against the tide towards his hoverbike. Walking slowly, turning his body sideways so as for the people to pass along either side of him, he pushed steadily away from the building, until he suddenly jolted himself around to look behind him at the building. He had heard a flurry of deafening blasts in quick succession, and he saw behind him, the mobs shouts had turned to shrieks, as they scattered. A small drone with four rotors hovered above the mob. A machine gun was suspended from the bottom of the drone, which now had a wispy trail of smoke flowing out of the barrel. He turned forward once more away from the relief center, and now sprinted for his bike. Hopping onto the seat, he hurriedly slammed his finger onto the thumbprint security key with force enough to cause him to wince. the bike stood still when not moving due to four prongs that automatically unfolded to prop the bike up when it was not moving. It was painted black, with painted red flames licking up the side of the vehicle. Although painted designs were quite old fashioned, as most hoverbikes had screens on their sides that would portray moving images, Alex was happy to be able to afford any hoverbike at all. Slamming his foot on the pedal, Alex did not stay to watch the drone fire second time. Even before the stands could fully fold themselves, Alex was speeding down the road.Alex sped down the road about 10 feet off the ground, hovering above the heads of the masses, his bike making a faint humming sound, and automatedly swerving around any obstacles. The buildings passed by in a blur, mixing into one solid mass of gray. The residential area Alex lived in had none of the grandeur of the Light District of the city, once called Manhattan, he lived in the slums. Most people lived in tenements, built entirely of concrete. The buildings and window panes for the most part had no embellishments or workings in the stone. The closest thing to decorations on the block were posters put up by the government reading, “Strong, Free, and Prosperous”, describing some made up land the government tried to convince people was called the United States. The real United States was the land Alex lived in. A land divided. Either the posters, or what Alex’s brother Joe, Joseph Chavez, called “urban art”. In bright bubbly letters someone, or someones, had embellished the neighborhood with many choice words and phrases. At least one of these someones was presumably named Riley, as large orange letters on Alex’s tenement proclaimed; “Riley WuZ Here”. Alongside Riley’s proclamation, there were several choice four letter words, and one phrase in bright red letters, vertically written down the back of a tenement a block away from Alex’s, “There is no God but man, and he’s not benevolent” it declared. That's it so far, I'm hoping to write more, but I've been working very slowly for the same reasons I'm not online that often. Edited by zachpack11, 1st December 2015 - 09:16 PM.
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| zachpack11 | 1st December 2015 - 07:15 PM Post #2 | |
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Indisputeable Emperor of Anarchy
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That looks so weird copy/paste from google docs | |
| Sparta | 1st December 2015 - 11:50 PM Post #3 | |
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#Darxit
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The concept of Immortals sounds really cool. Maybe an Other World RP... | |
http://web.archive.org/web/20161002195809/http://independentorder.net/single/?p=8432594&t=11644836
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| autarch | 2nd December 2015 - 05:02 AM Post #4 | |
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Self Appointed Minister for Ridiculous over-the-top Mecha Battles
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Give every character a goatee | |
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| Gadshack | 3rd December 2015 - 02:55 AM Post #5 | |
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Real interesting concept Zach, could see this growing into something really great someday if you continue to develop it. Put your writings in the fiction section of the Library if you wish would like to read more.
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Factbook of Tokulel Ahkabnil Wiki | ||
| Sparta | 3rd December 2015 - 03:25 AM Post #6 | |
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#Darxit
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Zach are there any sort of themes in the book? Such as tyranny, freedom, free will, ethics of immortality, something like that? Just wondering
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http://web.archive.org/web/20161002195809/http://independentorder.net/single/?p=8432594&t=11644836
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| zachpack11 | 3rd December 2015 - 03:16 PM Post #7 | |
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Indisputeable Emperor of Anarchy
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OOOOOoooh yes, much so. The biggest themes are injustice, tyranny, inequality, and humanity. Humanity referring to the fact that we're all human, we all are alive and feel emotions, so, back to injustice and cruelty, why do we feel the need to dehumanize each other and to treat each other as inferiors? Later Alex gets tied up in a group strongly opposed to the gov't. Won't say more than that. You'll see I give characters names that match with many historical figures they may be similar to. You'll be seeing a "Che Robespierre".
Edited by zachpack11, 3rd December 2015 - 03:21 PM.
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^ 2:17 PM Jul 11
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May the force be with you.






would like to read more.
