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Advice for talking to teenagers.; It's been a surprising week.
Topic Started: Apr 9 2018, 01:13 PM (1,200 Views)
Koalabella
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Please be gentle, Peeps. It's been a crazy week.

My 17yo niece (she's lived with my sister since she was eleven and was formally adopted when she was thirteen) is staying with me. We are thrilled to have her, and super happy that she found somewhere she feels okay right now. She's had a really rough month, so I'll start at the beginning. I'm sorry, this is going to be long.

M broke up with her boyfriend a little over two weeks ago. In March, Carl had come to pick her up at her house, and they got into an argument. M tried to get out of the car; Carl wouldn't let her, and was trying to buckle her into her seat belt. He didn't strike her, but he definitely had his hands on her. Sis and BIL saw it happening and went out and told the kid to leave. After a few weeks of not seeing one another, M begged to be allowed to see him again. Sis and BIL finally relented on the advice of M's therapist, with the caveat that they could only see each other once a week while being supervised. Eventually M broke up with the kid, to the relief of everyone involved except Carl.

A few days later, he broke into her school (he doesn't go to school with her, and I think he was expelled from the neighboring school he attended) and yelled at and grabbed her in the hall. M got away and ran down to the office, and Carl left momentarily, then returned with a backpack and was arrested for trespassing and domestic violence. On advice from the police and school, they took out an emergency restraining order. The hearing was... the judge screamed at M for being disrespectful (she is profoundly shy, and wasn't making eye contact with the judge on the stand) until M was hysterical and sobbing. My sister (who was listed as the petitioner, since M is a minor) asked the judge if it would be OK if M didn't attend the hearing for the plenary order. The judge said that was no problem, since the case was in front of her and was in my sister's name.

During those two weeks, Carl was found by the police skulking in the bushes a few houses from my sister's, waiting for her to leave the house for work. He was arrested. We had a pretty strong suspicion that M had told him he could come over, which was confirmed by phone records. He had messaged her 22 times on her school computer the night before, and she eventually agreed that he could come over.

When sis went back to court for the plenary order, the judge screamed at her (in a wildly inappropriate way) for not bringing M, told her that the police reports, videos and phone records were not admissible evidence, and that she could only testify to the events she had personally been able to both see and hear (sis saw the stuff in the car, but didn't hear it, and heard phone conversations, but couldn't see the kid, so none of it counted as evidence). Carlos (who is eighteen) testified and admitted to everything. When the judge asked him why he had put his hands on her, etc., he said, "I wanted to." She nodded and dismissed the case.

My sister was crushed. She signed up for counselling through a domestic violence outreach center that is designed to help her support and guide my niece. Everyone she's spoken to has said it's a bad idea to try to cut off contact between the two of them, and she needs to be there and be supportive and let M make this mistake, which is massively infuriating, but probably wise advice. The upshot was that M was grounded (for the lying and invited the guy over illicitly) for a while, but after that Sis intended to back off.

Carl showed up the next morning to pick up M. And Sis said no. M threw a fit and eventually told sis she wanted to talk to her crisis counselor. When the social worker had spoken to M, she told sis that M had threatened to hurt herself and run away, and that they needed to go to the ER. By this time, M had clammed up, refused to speak or look at anyone and had no affect.

At the ER, the social worker asked if M wanted Sis and BIL to step out of the room to talk. She nodded, but then refused to talk to anyone. Eventually, they discharged her from the ER against advice from the social worker. We went back to her ER room, and she had a blanket pulled over her head. I got her some slippers while her parents stepped out for a minute, and she warmed up enough to come out of the covers and hold my hand.

At this point, Sis came in and asked what M wanted. She said she wanted to stay with me for a while. Of course, I was thrilled that we'd found something she was willing to do, and am more than happy to have her here. I moved a week ago and am now just a few miles from her home, so it was actually really good timing for her to come and stay.

She's been here since Saturday, and FWIW is a dream house guest. She's been quiet, but sweet. We've watched a lot of TV and last night made dinner together for everyone. Sis and BIL came over and we had a nice, quiet dinner. Today I'm picking her up from school and meeting my sister to see a counselor recommended by the hospital.

The problem I'm having is that I'm having trouble starting conversations about things. I mean, we talk, but not about anything important. As a victim of domestic violence (which I never talk about away from the board) and a fellow sufferer of anxiety issues, I'm actually in a good place to listen and recommend help without sounding preachy, I think. But I'm having a difficult time jumping that hurdle into the conversation.

Help?

TLDR: My 17yo niece is staying with me for a little bit after a traumatic month, and I'm having trouble starting serious conversations with her.
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bballmom
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Since she's obviously had a really traumatic month added to her shyness and anxiety what about just talking about other stuff and give her time to raise the subject of the domestic violence and the BF/XBF herself.

Talk about TV shows you're watching together, make dinner together and talk about her favorite food or what she wants to buy at the grocery store next time you go. Talk about school, classes, homework, what you did in school. Talk about your decorating plans for your new house. Tell her about a crazy story you read on here.

Hopefully once you just talk about normal everyday stuff she'll start to loosen up and talk about the elephant in the room herself.
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cayke

Letting her have some normal time, like you would do for a normal breakup, is probably best. Let her move on with her life. Even talking about how awful he is is talking and thinking about him.
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Parsnip
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I might pick up a journal and a nice pen for her. I'd leave it in her room with a casual mention that shecould use it or not, no biggie. I'd also promise to not read it and stick to that.

I'm sure she appreciates a reprieve from her traumatic weeks - your easy and low pressure approach is must be nice.
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Bets
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I'd probably give her time, but I frist do a sit down and set up any rules that she needs to abide by while staying there " just so everyone is on the same page". She may be at that age where she doesn't know what she wants (or what's best for her) and needs some time to figure it out without added pressure. My nieces were fairly great when they first stated living with me but I also remember them trying to turn things by pretending they "didn't know" or " weren't told" what was and was not expected of them. So a causual after dinner talk is probably a good thing to do ( like you might do with any roommate).

I hope things get better for your niece and wish her ( and you ) the best!
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Koalabella
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Yesterday we went to a counseling session. It went pretty well. DN was resistant at first, but warmed up by the end enough to agree to family counseling for the three of them and to talk to her doctor about anxiety meds.

I managed to tell her a bit about my own anxiety and my abusive ex. So far, she is still here, which is nice for me, but hard on my sister.
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Koalabella
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Bets
Apr 9 2018, 05:14 PM
I'd probably give her time, but I frist do a sit down and set up any rules that she needs to abide by while staying there " just so everyone is on the same page". She may be at that age where she doesn't know what she wants (or what's best for her) and needs some time to figure it out without added pressure. My nieces were fairly great when they first stated living with me but I also remember them trying to turn things by pretending they "didn't know" or " weren't told" what was and was not expected of them. So a causual after dinner talk is probably a good thing to do ( like you might do with any roommate).

I hope things get better for your niece and wish her ( and you ) the best!
I never considered that I needed rules. I thought it was just going to be for one night. So far, M hasn't really done anything. I don't mean anything wrong. I mean anything at all. She watches TV, eats when food is offered and sleeps. She has a laptop for school that she plays on.

Teenagers, man.

:D
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Potatochiplady
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Your niece is lucky to have you, KB.
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courtney
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I've heard that talking in the car is effective. The lack of eye contact makes it seem lower pressure. Maybe you can suggest a project for the two of you to work on together like cooking or a jigsaw puzzle or whatever. Something that occupies the hands and gives you something else to focus on. Then conversation might flow naturally
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greenbean
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Queen Bean
Courtney is right. Talking while they're in the bath is effective as well, but at 17 that's kind of weird :P , so in the car works too.

Your best bet is to keep it natural and just talk about anything and everything, which should eventually touch on the subject at hand.
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Strawberry Blondie
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Is her school laptop supervised?
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Koalabella
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Strawberry Blondie
Apr 11 2018, 07:15 AM
Is her school laptop supervised?
I know it has parental sorts of controls. Otherwise? No idea. Sis and BIL know about it, and I can’t take it away without making it impossible for M to do her homework. So far, no one has showed up at the house and she hasn’t tried to go anywhere, so she seems to be using this as a bit of a break.
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Koalabella
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Good God I’m exhausted.

It turns out, DN and I have never had a conversation about my allergies and chemical sensitivities. The hall bath got enough perfume sprayed in it today that I could taste it five rooms away.

To be fair, that doesn’t necessarily mean it was a ton. Once my allergies get triggered, I am super sensitive.

To give DN credit, I mentioned it to her and she apologized profusely. I later found the perfume bottle in the outside trash can. She really is a kind and considerate person.
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Parsnip
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Why would she toss the perfume?

Devil's advocate - maybe she perceived the imposition as a risk to staying with you. Throwing out something personal like that, something she must like, seems more overreactive than thoughtful. Why didn't she just tuck it away to use when she returns home?

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Koalabella
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Parsnip
Apr 12 2018, 12:08 AM
Why would she toss the perfume?

Devil's advocate - maybe she perceived the imposition as a risk to staying with you. Throwing out something personal like that, something she must like, seems more overreactive than thoughtful. Why didn't she just tuck it away to use when she returns home?

I think she may have been afraid it would still bother me.

ETA: she didn’t tell me she’d thrown it out. She just smuggled it into the trash can when I wasn’t looking. If she’s made a show of it, I would agree she was overreacting.
Edited by Koalabella, Apr 12 2018, 11:18 AM.
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