| Gatecrashing Hagatha; Long vent but what else is new? | |
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| Topic Started: Apr 9 2018, 04:45 PM (6,831 Views) | |
| BeerNutz | Apr 11 2018, 10:36 AM Post #51 |
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Hammer5ed
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The half-ass nailed it. |
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| Starfish | Apr 11 2018, 10:45 AM Post #52 |
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hammer5ed
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Oh, Pennies! Another thing you can do, IF Hagatha shows up, is fight fire with fire. When she tries to go back to the good old days when everything was better without Pennies (*eyeroll*), you cut her off and BRAG about how awesome the boys are doing NOW, and their recent achievements at school (academic or track, or whatever you can brag on). The underlying dig is the boys are doing SO MUCH BETTER under YOUR parenting, but there's absolutely nothing Hagatha can say about it without showing her ass. You're just being a proud parent. It's unassailable. |
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| Mules... | Apr 11 2018, 10:52 AM Post #53 |
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See Id just not engage. But I’m awkward even when I try not to be. So I’ve kind of just accepted my awkwardness and use it to my advantage during uncomfortable situations. Hag: blah blah blah amazing vacation that you will never go on that i did with your DH. Me: Blank look on face Hag: so cool right? Me: blank look on face Hag: hey so cool right Me: oh what I’m sorry I see a something shiny over there. Wanders off. For real she talks and start pretending it’s with different accents or something. Hear her but don’t actually listen to her. |
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| UFS.2 | Apr 11 2018, 11:15 AM Post #54 |
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Don't engage. If you really mush, gray rock her to death then quietly leave. |
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| blkcat | Apr 11 2018, 11:17 AM Post #55 |
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I wouldn't try to one up her in any way. That will provoke her into a fight. She's bad enough as it is, don't give her a reason to run to your DH because she will and he will end up defending her because he's afraid of her. |
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| DarlingDewey | Apr 11 2018, 01:01 PM Post #56 |
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Coach
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Sorry, I don't think this is the way to go. Getting into pissing match is only giving her an opening for rebuttal and in the end it would make both women look immature and silly. Unless I missed a big change, only SS11 is living full time with Pennies and DH, so she'd have to ignore any great achievements by SS14 in order to even make this dig, which is unkind and looks petty. Also, it opens the door for Hagatha to brag about what great co-parents they are and there is no way to argue that in front of people without making everyone look bad. I actually did try this years ago and it ended with my husband's horrible ex telling everyone that we were "such a great, close and unconventional family! We all make it work though, because we understand how important we ALL are to our little family unit." Then she got an invite to Thanksgiving because obviously, we were all so mature and got along great just like on a feel good sitcom! |
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| Starfish | Apr 11 2018, 02:13 PM Post #57 |
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hammer5ed
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Ok. So rather than being "unkind" to Hagatha (who deserves no kindness), Pennies can just go on being treated like a non-entity because she didn't birth the kids she's caring for? I guess she'd just better shut up, take the abuse and let them all live in the past. You discredit mine & Pennies' intelligence & conversational skills, reducing it to a "pissing match". Too bad it didn't work out for you, but it certainly did for me vs. Frankunstein. |
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| Koalabella | Apr 11 2018, 02:26 PM Post #58 |
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I’m not sure what the point of starting an argument is. I don’t know what is to be gained. The kids are going to be uncomfortable, and they are not going to blame their mother for the fracas. Everyone already knows Hag is acting like a dick. Pennies coming down to her level isn’t going to make them think worse of Hag. It’s going to make them think worse of Pennies. I’m not talking about sticking up for herself. That’s fair and reasonable. Going in looking for a fight? That’s kid’s stuff. |
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| DarlingDewey | Apr 11 2018, 02:45 PM Post #59 |
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Coach
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I meant it would be unkind to SS14 since she would brag about SS11 and how great he is doing under her parenting but have to ignore SS14 since SS14 lives with Hagatha, not that it's unkind to Hagatha. I re-read my original comment and I think I was pretty clear. What you recommend here is a pissing match, I'm sorry if you don't like the term, but you are advocating responding to bravado with more bravado and that is what most people consider to be a pissing match. I'm glad it worked out for you. It's okay for someone to disagree with you, it doesn't mean it's a personal attack. I'm not trying to discredit your communication abilities, I'm simply responding with my own thoughts and sharing my own experience. I would never advocate for anyone to take continued abuse, nor have I implied that any step parent is deserving of abuse simply by virtue of not being a biological parent. Considering I have a blended family I actually think you assigning that motivation to me is laughable. |
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| Pennies | Apr 12 2018, 11:11 AM Post #60 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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[Hidden Content: Login/Register to View] Edited by Pennies, Apr 12 2018, 12:17 PM.
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| Koalabella | Apr 12 2018, 11:16 AM Post #61 |
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Did I read your older SS has moved back in with his mom, Pennies? I missed that. I hope everything is ok. |
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| artisticlicense | Apr 12 2018, 11:20 AM Post #62 |
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He had to. It was part of the custody agreement, that the boys would go there for HS. But he's actually living with Hag's mother, along with one of the older half-brothers. |
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| Pennies | Apr 12 2018, 01:05 PM Post #63 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 01:07 PM Post #64 |
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AssFish
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Money, knowing that info, why doesn't DH seek custody of both boys? She did a bait and switch; the agreement he made was that they be with *her*, not her mother. |
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| Pennies | Apr 12 2018, 01:31 PM Post #65 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 01:35 PM Post #66 |
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AssFish
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Frankly, Penis, I'm not sure why you wouldn't want them both to just go live with Hagatha. Imagine how much easier your life would be. |
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| Figment | Apr 12 2018, 01:44 PM Post #67 |
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(((Pennies))) I’m sorry this shit is still going on. |
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| Mules... | Apr 12 2018, 03:53 PM Post #68 |
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Me too. Such a difficult situation and the cost of everything just makes the options so limiting. I hope you can find some peace emotionally. |
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| Pennies | Apr 12 2018, 03:57 PM Post #69 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 04:07 PM Post #70 |
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AssFish
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Then they'll both be out of your hair. Don't remind DH to do it sooner! |
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| Pennies | Apr 12 2018, 04:11 PM Post #71 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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[Hidden Content: Login/Register to View] |
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| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 04:13 PM Post #72 |
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AssFish
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Yep. That's why BF and I are not getting married until the kid is out of college. |
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| DarlingDewey | Apr 12 2018, 04:14 PM Post #73 |
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Coach
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Does SS11 want to stay with you and DH or does he want to go with his mom/grandma/brothers? I agree with Gills, don't say anything. If your DH decides to file and it's too late, oh well, not your fault and no one can accuse you of pushing the boys out, you just left it up to DH. |
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| DarlingDewey | Apr 12 2018, 04:18 PM Post #74 |
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Coach
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I'm not sure how she got away with it, but when the girls were filling out their paperwork their mom lied and said DH had abandoned them and she was a single parent. It ended up backfiring on her because she actually looks better off on paper than we do, but she managed to completely keep us off the paperwork. This was all in an effort to make sure we had absolutely no say in where the girls went and to hide the fact that she lied about them both getting scholarships. |
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| Pennies | Apr 12 2018, 04:35 PM Post #75 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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HAHAHA! I stay silent when he brings it up and only respond with neutral language. The down side to physical custody is that Hag will absolutely go after him for the maximum child support possible. I don't have a problem with a non custodial parent supporting his or her kids but we already know from experience that she won't use it for the kids. Her entire wardrobe is made up of holes held together by random strands of thread, and evidently, it costs a lot of money to look that cheap. |
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| Cecilia | Apr 12 2018, 04:38 PM Post #76 |
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What Mules said. If you could manage to treat her using 'cordial stranger' behavior it would get under her skin like she is getting under yours. Who cares what she says; she looks a fool to everyone. So be shallow and insincerely gracious with that look on your face that says 'I think I may have met this person before, but I can't quite place her' and gush with fake charm 'oh so nice to see you, hope you have been well.' Avoid her presence but subtly and project your confidence and calm to everyone else. It is no fun to mess with someone who behavior cordially, politely and is not bothered. You can't change her. You can change you and you might in the process bug her. |
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| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 04:41 PM Post #77 |
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AssFish
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Honestly, Hag and the kids are (to me) a "throw money at it" problem. (I know that doesn't sound nice at all) |
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| Pennies | Apr 12 2018, 04:56 PM Post #78 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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| Karaokemama | Apr 12 2018, 05:16 PM Post #79 |
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15 years is big metal chickens!
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With regard to this, since there was never any custody arrangement for DD21 as she was 18 when the papers were signed, on her FAFSA we only put down my info for parental stuff. XH hadn't filed a tax return from the time we split until maybe last year (so 4 years at least) so there wasn't a way to backtrack. She lived with him for awhile but we used my address on anything. He hasn't paid a dime towards her education. Plus he makes way more money than me (on paper anyway though he pisses it away with poor bookkeeping which is a whole 'nother post) so it worked out better all around. Not a soul has ever questioned it because I filed my tax returns as single or married filing single from before she graduated high school. |
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| 2anjuliboys | Apr 12 2018, 05:25 PM Post #80 |
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God that poor kid. You provide the stability he is desperately craving. |
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| TAZ | Apr 12 2018, 05:46 PM Post #81 |
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I gerenukked my neck
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From the way this thread sounds, SIL nor DH have the guts to put the wheels under Hag. Which makes me wonder what has she got on either one of them for her to run over them as she does? Telling the kids, or making a scene...those are piss poor reasons to not tell her(Hag) to go home nobody sent for her. I haven't seen or heard of a kid so stupid as to not figure out that divorce means two people can be cordial when needed, but they don't hang out like best buds at party time. And if SIL is that much of a wimp, god help her kids if they need an advocate to stand up and confront or fight for one of them if or when the situation calls for it. |
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| Pennies | Apr 13 2018, 09:55 AM Post #82 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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It's incredibly offensive to me that I'm not allowed to make any kind of parental decisions regarding my stepkids (can't take them to the doctor and authorize testing, can't get them some desperately needed behavioral evaluations without both "real" parents' consents, and so on) but thank god for the dirty stepmom's wallet at college time. THAT'S when I'm considered a parent! My income isn't taken into account as far as child support is concerned, so why the hell is it part of the equation when completing the FAFSA?? |
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| Ladybugging | Apr 13 2018, 10:05 AM Post #83 |
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The older I get, the more disadvantages I see to getting married. Which is a paradox, because I wouldn't have a man who drug his feet about *wanting* to marry me. But I'LL there are more scenarios where I think marriage is a risk not worth taking than scenarios I think it's perfect. Young, in love, no kids? Marriage is great. But once you add in kids or large sums of money, being married takes away more rights and imposes more obligations than it offers benefits. -the increasingly cynical Ladybugging |
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| Karaokemama | Apr 13 2018, 10:09 AM Post #84 |
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15 years is big metal chickens!
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Pennies, I completely agree with you there. It is ridiculous and in your case I would be offended too. |
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| DarlingDewey | Apr 13 2018, 10:12 AM Post #85 |
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Coach
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We did have a custody agreement, and DH filed taxes with one girl, while she filed with the other so I'm still not sure how she managed to keep his info off! I'm guessing they just didn't question it but if they had she would have been busted. |
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| Pennies | Apr 13 2018, 10:52 AM Post #86 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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| DarlingDewey | Apr 13 2018, 11:02 AM Post #87 |
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Coach
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I'm honestly not sure if it helped or hurt them as far as financial aid, we were kept out of all of it. I do know that had we been involved we could have helped them make better choices, but that's not how it played out. When DH had to pay child support my income had to be put down as well. They used it to calculate how much his bills out of his income were. You might find that even though they don't include it as his income, they still want to see how much the other adult makes and contributes to the household. |
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| Gills | Apr 13 2018, 11:25 AM Post #88 |
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AssFish
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Money, you and DH could get a "paper divorce" prior to the college financial issue. Sign and file the papers, tell no one but the court/feds at tax time, and go on living as a married couple until the kids are out of college and you can get re-married without financial penalty. |
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| 4catsandahusband | Apr 13 2018, 11:27 AM Post #89 |
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On FAFSA you only claim the income of the custodial parent (the one you spend the most time with). The whole FAFSA is a sh**show. If the custodial parent is remarried the income of the step parent must be reported. This is such BS as the step parent has no legal obligations to support a step child. On the other side you could have non-custodial parent making $200,000 but the custodial parent making 20,000 and yet the form requires only the 20,000 be reported. |
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| MNGal | Apr 13 2018, 11:33 AM Post #90 |
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FAFSA! Another reason me and MNGuy will not marry any time soon! LOL |
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| velma88 | Apr 13 2018, 11:36 AM Post #91 |
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I am a duck with a mohawk and a mission
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Pennies- there may be a way around this- check into filling seprately. If you know a good financial person, it may be worth asking about. |
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| Buffy the Vampire Slayer | Apr 13 2018, 11:39 AM Post #92 |
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Annoying, little twerp.
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I fucking hated the FAFSA. It’s such bullshit that you HAVE TO provide your parents tax info and they reduce your loan amount due to an “expected family contribution”. I don’t care how much money my parents did or did not make. If they aren’t giving me money for college they aren’t giving me money. I forgot what age it was, but once I was finally no longer required to provide my parents income they (they being the government) actually gave me enough money to cover my entire tuition. Edited by Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Apr 13 2018, 11:40 AM.
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| marinesgirl | Apr 13 2018, 11:58 AM Post #93 |
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Huh, I know my mom as the custodial parent did not include my dad's income for FAFSA. |
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| Glasscttr | Apr 13 2018, 12:07 PM Post #94 |
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I agree with the others who have chimed in - unless something has changed within the last couple years, the FASFA only counts the household income of the custodial parent. |
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| Pennies | Apr 13 2018, 12:24 PM Post #95 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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| Pennies | Apr 13 2018, 12:30 PM Post #96 |
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I would agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.
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[Hidden Content: Login/Register to View] |
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| Strawberry Blondie | Apr 13 2018, 12:35 PM Post #97 |
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Having your income on the FAFSA form doesn’t imply that you’re a real parent, it implies that you are contributing income to the household. |
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| Ladybugging | Apr 13 2018, 12:55 PM Post #98 |
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I see it more as the government deciding how much they expect you to contribute to your adult children's education, or in this case stepchildren. It's no different to me than states that expect you to contribute money to your elderly parent's care. Personally, I will do both but it doesn't sit right that the government penalizes me, my kids, or my parents if I don't choose. We're all adults at that point. |
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| DarlingDewey | Apr 13 2018, 01:00 PM Post #99 |
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Coach
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So, I'm looking for some clarification here, DH had 50% custody of one of the girls at the time, but his ex filed it only under her information, does that seem legit? Technically they were both the custodial parent so in that case would both households be required or just whichever parent wanted to claim them? One of the girls was 18, so no custody on her, the other was 17 with a 50/50 split. |
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| 4catsandahusband | Apr 13 2018, 01:08 PM Post #100 |
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It would be whomever the child spends the majority of time. If she is at ex's majority it needs to filed with her income. If she is at your home the majority it needs to filed under your husbands income and your income would be included as well. Edited by 4catsandahusband, Apr 13 2018, 01:09 PM.
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