| Dear Abby | |
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| Topic Started: Apr 12 2018, 02:53 PM (1,311 Views) | |
| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 02:53 PM Post #1 |
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AssFish
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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Kevin,” and I have been together for five years and have a 4-year-old son we are crazy about. For the past six months, I have been begging Kevin to have another child. Some days he’s all for it, but then he changes his mind and starts asking me to give him a good reason why we should. No matter what I say, he always says I want another child “just to have another.” What can I tell him to make him change his mind? — SUFFERING WITH BABY FEVER DEAR SUFFERING: A reason that occurs to me would be that you do not want your little boy to grow up as an only child. However, your boyfriend may prefer not to enlarge your family because he doesn’t want to be financially responsible for more than one child. Instead of trying to sell him on the idea, perhaps you should ask him to give you some good reasons why he’s not as enthusiastic as you are about it. The answer may be that he’s not as fully committed to your relationship as you are. +++++++++++++++++++++++ Way to miss the mark, Abs. Maybe he's completely committed to the relationship but simply doesn't want another child. Why is that hard to understand? |
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| MNGal | Apr 12 2018, 03:00 PM Post #2 |
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Right? What does having another baby have to do with your commitment level? ETA:I'm sure it was a knock on the fact that they aren't married and *gasp* have a child together. Edited by MNGal, Apr 12 2018, 03:00 PM.
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| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 03:01 PM Post #3 |
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AssFish
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And what's wrong with having/being an only child? |
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| Sugaree | Apr 12 2018, 03:01 PM Post #4 |
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Exactly. I'm done having kids. I think DH would like to have another, but he does seem to understand that we can only afford to give one the kind of lifestyle that we want to give him. |
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| jeni_4 | Apr 12 2018, 03:06 PM Post #5 |
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Well, if my math is right, she conceived right after they got together, so how much of any of their commitment is based on anything other than they have a child together? |
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| MNGal | Apr 12 2018, 03:07 PM Post #6 |
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really?
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| notstillme | Apr 12 2018, 03:11 PM Post #7 |
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Geek by proxy
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In this situation there's going to be someone who "loses". He doesn't seem keen on another child. She's super all for it. Either way, someone is going to be disappointed. I agree that it might be good to hear his why, and maybe there's stuff she hadn't considered. But begging? That's a hard no. Talk it out like rational adults. If y'all can't do that, maybe another child isn't a good idea right now. |
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| MNGal | Apr 12 2018, 03:13 PM Post #8 |
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Also I don't think you should try to get someone to change their mind when they are questioning bringing another human to the world. That should be a firm yes I'm all in. Not a "well I guess I that is what you want." |
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| Deleted User | Apr 12 2018, 03:14 PM Post #9 |
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Deleted User
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I think it's pretty unfair to assume that their commitment is nearly solely based on their having a child together, simply because the conception occurred very early on in the relationship. Just because she got pregnant early on does not mean that their relationship and commitment haven't developed along similar timelines as any other five-year relationship. |
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| notstillme | Apr 12 2018, 03:16 PM Post #10 |
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Geek by proxy
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Very much agree. DH was fine either way. He understood when we got married that I wasn't like, super omg must have babies lots of babies. Time went on and I realized I wanted to discuss it. So we talked about it, when we'd be ok trying, etc. And what we'd do if it didn't work out. We are happy with our wiggly one. I'm not sure about a second, so we aren't doing anything permanent yet. But if we end up with just her, that's ok. |
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| jeni_4 | Apr 12 2018, 03:36 PM Post #11 |
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I apologize for expressing myself badly. But they've pretty much never had a relationship without a child. So really, who knows how the relationship would have evolved if things had moved more slowly? |
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| Charybdis | Apr 12 2018, 03:47 PM Post #12 |
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Vicious Sea Monster
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We wouldn’t have had any children if the decision was solely up to my husband. He was not interested in IVF. Having children was a deal breaker for me so either we would have 2 biological children (I was an only child and did not want that and my husband greatly values his sibling relationships) or we could adopt, or we could get divorced and move on with our lives. He was against adoption so we went through with IVF. He’s a very involved and happy father but he would have been just as happy with a lot more free time and money to spend on his hobbies. |
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| Cactus | Apr 12 2018, 04:09 PM Post #13 |
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Why can't he just not want another child? Why are the only possibilities Abby suggests that he doesn't want to be financially responsible for another child or that he's not committed to the relationship? Also, instead of explaining how "how can I convince him to change his mind?" is the wrong approach to this situation, Abby actually offers her a suggestion (so he won't be an only child) wtf? Why does someone need "good reasons" to not be "enthusiastic" about having a child? I don't see Abby demanding the LW's "good reasons" for wanting one. I am not saying she should have to justify her feelings but why should he? The whole answer reeks of the attitude that wanting the child is the normal, default position and there has to be an "explanation" for not wanting one (and that it might be an indication of something wrong) edited again-If the letter is to be believed, i don't think the boyfriend has the best approach either. If he definitely doesn't want another child he should just be upfront and firm about it. If he's not sure, he should also say so and they should be able to discuss it, but it shouldn't be about either having to justify their feelings or convincing the other with good reasons. I think Abby's response is so bad that it kind of distorted the actual letter for me Edited by Cactus, Apr 13 2018, 12:42 PM.
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| MNGal | Apr 12 2018, 04:21 PM Post #14 |
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So many reasons NOT to have another baby. 1) Uninterrupted sleep. 2) Finances. (yes I put sleep above finances...if that tells ya anything) 3) don't enjoy changing diapers, washing bottles, being puked or pooped on. 4) Constantly having to be aware of a tiny human who depends on me to make sure they live though the day is not something enjoyable to all people. (At 4 years old, they are close to the hump of when he gets easy. I can see not wanting to start over) 5) Likes free time / me time. liked to eventually like to get more of that back. |
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| Gills | Apr 12 2018, 04:40 PM Post #15 |
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AssFish
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And this right here is why Abby's response pissed me off. That and the "he'll change his mind if he sees reason" bullshit. |
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| Incredible | Apr 12 2018, 05:01 PM Post #16 |
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Why the back and forth? He needs to make a decision, and she needs to respect it and move on if it doesn't work for her. |
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| Roor | Apr 12 2018, 05:03 PM Post #17 |
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bad hombre
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I wonder if he's not being entirely honest with her. |
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| Millicat | Apr 12 2018, 10:35 PM Post #18 |
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I wonder if the first pregnancy was planned. |
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| Sugar and Spice | Apr 12 2018, 10:56 PM Post #19 |
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What a stupid response from Abby. Smacks of judgement, both about their only child and their relationship. I know that my hubby would give almost any thing for us to have a third child. I am just as passionate about NOT having another baby. My reasons range from "the first pregnancy nearly killed me and the second made me wish the first had, so I'm not risking a third" to "they're out of diapers and daycare and I'm not going back to those money suckers", with many more in between. NONE of my reasons, even the "I just don't want to" reason, have ANYTHING to do with my loving commitment to my partner of 15 years. But then, maybe my experience is more valid because I'm a good breeding machine who didn't saddle my son with the horror of being an only child. |
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| Puddles | Apr 13 2018, 04:16 AM Post #20 |
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If you have to convince someone to have a baby, the problem isn’t them, it’s you. Fucking hell, he should be allowed to not want another baby. He doesn’t even need to give any kind of reason. The word “no” is enough. Abby is a douche. |
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| sfm | Apr 13 2018, 08:37 AM Post #21 |
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I do thnk asking him why he does nto want the second as well as expalinig why she does, viewing it as us having a diagolue abot a discusion thatafects us equally not as how can I convince him toseemy way, is the right aproach, but hope Abby has long legs for that leap for tyhe reason could he is not as notas comitied to the relationship how does having two kids nto one prove one couple is more comitted to t6he raltionship than another. |
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| bballmom | Apr 13 2018, 08:55 AM Post #22 |
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All very valid reasons. DH and joked with each other (out of hearing of our kids) that we had to have twins because after first time around we would never have had a 2nd. So the only way we had 2 kids was that one of them knew they better tag along with the other at birth |
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| sfm | Apr 13 2018, 09:01 AM Post #23 |
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exactly, iwonder if the LW's realfear is if theyhave the dialog , he won;lt see her way she will see it hi8s. |
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| kittykathy | Apr 13 2018, 10:29 AM Post #24 |
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We were lucky to be on the same page and just had to agree about timing. I wanted the first kid sooner, then, I kid you not, within a month, DH wanted to talk about when to have the next one. We waited until I was ready, but still had them very close together. The second round was twins, which settled two or three, and the pregnancy was so demanding that I would be done even if we had originally planned on more. I've seen friends go through this question in their relationships a lot more, with both moms and dads wanting the next kid. It's a tough one because there is no middle ground. I think if you can't talk about it, that's a problem. If I was asked for advice, that is where I would start. Not to assume he wants out. |
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| sfm | Apr 13 2018, 11:32 AM Post #25 |
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Kityty ITA and w her e Isee the probklem is that her aproach to talk seems tobe how can I convince, not how do we jointly make this decision. Thereasons Mn laid out sound valid reasons for no, frankly iof any of thoise arehis , kid nortbeing anonly won;pt cxonvince hnim b/c it is notastraonger reason for yes. |
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| Helen | Apr 13 2018, 12:23 PM Post #26 |
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Her wanting another child 'just because' IS a good enough reason! I'm not sure why wanting another child needs to be justified. It's so weird. NOT wanting another child is equally reasonable! It's a really difficult issue because both have strong, equally valid feelings about it but IMO, the person who does not want the child takes precedent. It's just what feels right. Edited for using the word equally 20 times.... Edited by Helen, Apr 13 2018, 12:24 PM.
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| Gills | Apr 13 2018, 12:40 PM Post #27 |
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Thank you for saying this, Helen. If two people have a fundamental disagreement about whether to have a child, the "NO" party should win over the "YES" party. In that situation, only one person - the "yes" party - is disappointed, and that person still has the ability to move on and find another "yes" person with whom to procreate. If the "YES" party wins over the "NO" party, then at least two people - if not three - people *could* be disappointed. The "no" party now has a child s/he can't erase, the child can't be erased and possibly gets one parent who's not involved or engaged, and the "yes" parent could resent that. You can always have more kids with someone else; you can't erase kids you didn't want to have and you're still legally and morally obligated to provide for them. |
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| Bets | Apr 13 2018, 12:45 PM Post #28 |
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Her wanting a child because she has "baby feaver" is what annoys me. A person should consider having a baby because they want a child, not the other way around. Babies don't stay babies for long! A child is a life long commitment and does consider serious thought as to why you should have one (or more). She should volunteer babysitting to get over her baby feaver. If after a few months she still feels she needs another child, then maybe she should. |
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| sfm | Apr 13 2018, 01:19 PM Post #29 |
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Iagree if its equal the np person wins and often the yes person wil say he/she does ntohave toa nything to do with it, really the kid ios the house, is goingto figure out there is this adult who ignores nmme. |
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| Helen | Apr 13 2018, 01:38 PM Post #30 |
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I completely agree. |
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| notstillme | Apr 13 2018, 02:27 PM Post #31 |
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Geek by proxy
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It's the two yes or it's a no rule. Either everyone is on board or it ain't happening (speaking generally). Hell we even did that with names. We both suggested a ton, I wrote them down, and then we went through, each having veto power over the list. While we didn't *need* to explain, we often did so the other one understood where it was coming from. We nixed my favorite name, and right now I'm glad we did. |
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really?




10:13 AM Jul 11