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Let him think it’s his idea?
Topic Started: Apr 14 2018, 12:19 PM (915 Views)
akwaitress
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redneck of the north
Why in 2018 am I still getting this advice? Mostly from older women but it just struck me as so absurd this ingrained notion of pandering to a man? I’ve heard it my whole life I’ve probably have said it myself but this time it bothers me.
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miss jojo
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It’s as insulting to men as it is to women. That they’re so delicate that they’d be crushed by the idea that women have brains and worthwhile ideas.
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Fluffy Pumpkin
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It's insulting.

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Charybdis
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Vicious Sea Monster
I’m pretty sure I’ve never gotten that advice.
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Bets
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I think it's annoying.

Sis and I both realize that when we talk to Pop, he doesn't really listen to us actively. He will mention some sort of problem, we offer a solution, and he kind of glides right over it. A week or two later he will bring up the solution we were telling him about and will not remember that we were the ones who already said it!

I don't know if it's because he lives alone and no one calls him out on crap like that, or because he sees us as dumb kids or if what we tell him takes a long time to sink in, but it can be so annoying and even hurtful sometimes.
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akwaitress
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redneck of the north
Charybdis
Apr 14 2018, 12:54 PM
I’m pretty sure I’ve never gotten that advice.
That is actually reassuring maybe it’s going away but I am almost 50 and have heard it
Mywhole life.
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Fluffy Pumpkin
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I'm 28 and I've heard it. But always from old biddies who's husbands don't seem to think of them as equals.

No bertha. I DONT want a marriage like yours. Ever.
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sfm

I have never heard it. Maybe its reginal/ culturual or maybe folks sense I woulf not take that advice.

Bets your case I see differently nothing to do with gender, everything to do I am STILL the parent here. In that situation go , along gioves him his dignity cost you and siter nothing.
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Saffie
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I have probably used this technique on more female bosses through the years than male bosses. Quite a few people respond well to the technique of seeding the ground, then a few days later, referring to that good idea that they had the other day. Manipulative, but often effective. Fortunately, DH and I communicate as equals, so I’ve never felt any urge to try this with him.
Edited by Saffie, Apr 14 2018, 02:01 PM.
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Allday
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Fluffy Pumpkin
Apr 14 2018, 01:05 PM
I'm 28 and I've heard it. But always from old biddies who's husbands don't seem to think of them as equals.

No bertha. I DONT want a marriage like yours. Ever.
This is my experience as well.
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Strawberry Blondie
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In principle, with the “him” in there, it feels insulting.

However, part of being a good communicator is finding out what makes people tick and adjusting your approach. So I would replace “him” with “them”, and apply the advice to anyone who had difficulty accepting the ideas of others over their own.
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sfm

strawberry, ar e you in my brain, I was going to post along thoe lines If its only said to woman about men ir if it an always it is bad as a know your person thng sometimes it does work beter.
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KittensAbound

I actually hear it more in workplace settings when dealing with specific managers. Sometimes it is easier to let them 'own' a specific idea in order to move the bigger picture/process improvement forward.
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Cassady
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Strawberry Blondie
Apr 14 2018, 06:59 PM
In principle, with the “him” in there, it feels insulting.

However, part of being a good communicator is finding out what makes people tick and adjusting your approach. So I would replace “him” with “them”, and apply the advice to anyone who had difficulty accepting the ideas of others over their own.
Good communication is a much better way of phrasing what I was thinking. I was going to say I've used the approach to manipulate people to do things my way. And by people I mean work people, higher ups of any gender.
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sfm

I donot se it as manipulating, iguess in a way, its knowing what works with that person.
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Koalabella
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I'm all for a little underhanded diplomacy when the situation calls for it, but that just sounds exhausting. I tend to be pretty forthright because it's a whole lot easier for me.

I have a feeling I would like addressed by another person? I tell them what my feeling is. Mostly, people then take steps to help me with said feeling.
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JoCoSweetTea
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KittensAbound
Apr 14 2018, 08:04 PM
I actually hear it more in workplace settings when dealing with specific managers. Sometimes it is easier to let them 'own' a specific idea in order to move the bigger picture/process improvement forward.
We do this ALL the time at work with the owner. He is a good guy, deep down, but he has never worked for anyone else (inherited the family business) and for whatever reason, his dad let him grow up thinking he knows better than everyone and whatever comes out of his mouth is gospel.

Not so much. ^o)

So we "plant the seed" and wait for it to germinate. Sometimes its days, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, but we eventually get things done they way they should. Yes, it's annoying but it is what it is.
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Fluffy Pumpkin
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I apparently don't find it worth my time to deal with people like this in my personal life. Bye bitch.

I can see it being necessary in a professional environment. But man is it sad that people are like this.
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Angel
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"let him think it was his idea" pisses me off almost as much as "he pulled your hair/hit you/kicked you/somehow assaulted you because he likes you!"
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NomNom
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Christmas devil
Strawberry Blondie
Apr 14 2018, 06:59 PM
In principle, with the “him” in there, it feels insulting.

However, part of being a good communicator is finding out what makes people tick and adjusting your approach. So I would replace “him” with “them”, and apply the advice to anyone who had difficulty accepting the ideas of others over their own.
This. Fine for work but I don’t want to be in a relationship with this person.
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Puddles
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Bets
Apr 14 2018, 12:55 PM
I think it's annoying.

Sis and I both realize that when we talk to Pop, he doesn't really listen to us actively. He will mention some sort of problem, we offer a solution, and he kind of glides right over it. A week or two later he will bring up the solution we were telling him about and will not remember that we were the ones who already said it!

I don't know if it's because he lives alone and no one calls him out on crap like that, or because he sees us as dumb kids or if what we tell him takes a long time to sink in, but it can be so annoying and even hurtful sometimes.
My OH has a best friend who does that to him too. It infuriates him. I just laugh at him.
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Strawberry Blondie
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NomNom
Apr 15 2018, 01:24 AM
Strawberry Blondie
Apr 14 2018, 06:59 PM
In principle, with the “him” in there, it feels insulting.

However, part of being a good communicator is finding out what makes people tick and adjusting your approach. So I would replace “him” with “them”, and apply the advice to anyone who had difficulty accepting the ideas of others over their own.
This. Fine for work but I don’t want to be in a relationship with this person.
Yes, I thought this went without saying. No one wants to be in a relationship with this type of blowhard 😁
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Oh My Stars
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Bored Darling
Strawberry Blondie
Apr 14 2018, 06:59 PM
In principle, with the “him” in there, it feels insulting.

However, part of being a good communicator is finding out what makes people tick and adjusting your approach. So I would replace “him” with “them”, and apply the advice to anyone who had difficulty accepting the ideas of others over their own.
I agree with you, but will also add that I lose respect and the drive to contribute and collaborate with managers and co-workers that I need to use this approach with.

As far as I'm concerned, when that happens we both know who had the original proposal and completing the dance of pretending we don't is a lot of unnecessary effort.

I used to get offended and angry at not being credited with my ideas and proposals, now I just don't bother in certain circumstances with certain people. They can spin in circles and figure it out themselves, or not - don't care.
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