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Dear Abby: Mom’s making my wedding all about her
Topic Started: Apr 17 2018, 10:25 AM (1,392 Views)
allycat

DEAR ABBY: Once I announced my engagement, my already thin, fit mother went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

My weight has always been an issue with her, and I can’t believe she would draw attention to it in this way. She called me a bridezilla because I told her I think she’s trying to showboat my wedding because she’s the one with the insecurity issues.

I would have been happy to elope, but she insisted on this big wedding to show off to her friends and “recoup the gifts she gave to their kids.”

How do we get through the next six months and keep our already fragile relationship intact? — DAUGHTER OF MOMZILLA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Weddings are supposed to be about the happy couple, not a means for a third party to “recoup” gifts she gave to her friends’ children.

If you feel you would be happier eloping rather than be miserable “going on with the show,” that’s what you and your fiance should do. However, if you do decide to go through with the wedding, you and your mother should agree there will be no further discussion about weight — hers or yours. Period.


_____________________________________

I think the daughter should get over it. It's her mom's body and she can do with it what she wants. It's not an attack. I get being insecure about your weight, but I think she is lashing out unfairly.

If she wanted to elope she should have done that.
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Tiramisu

I think that the weight loss thing is a "straw that broke the camel's back" scenario. The mom deciding to lose 20lb, in itself, isn't earth shattering, but, if there's more here than just the weight loss and insisting on the big wedding to "recoup" the gifts, it's easily a last straw.
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blkcat
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It appears this bride to be has had issues with her mother in the past. If I were her I'd elope.

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greenbean
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Queen Bean
My first instinct is the mother's weight has nothing to do with the daughter, but in these kinds of scenarios I think it's the mother who usually starts the competitiveness with the daughter. I'm guessing there a bit of background we're not seeing about the mom trying to upstage the daughter etc. If that's the case it's kid of pathetic but the daughter should let it go as everyone will probably just roll their eyes at the mom's antics.
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MNGal
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I think the daughter should just go elope. They obviously have a strained relationship and I don't see it getting any better. I'm guessing the weight thing has been a huge source of contention probably streaming from the mother constantly making comments about her daughters weight. Otherwise, why would the daughter even care that her mom lost weight or think it was about upstaging her unless the mother has a history of it.
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TulipWorthy
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Happily dancing in the tulips
greenbean
Apr 17 2018, 10:50 AM
My first instinct is the mother's weight has nothing to do with the daughter, but in these kinds of scenarios I think it's the mother who usually starts the competitiveness with the daughter. I'm guessing there a bit of background we're not seeing about the mom trying to upstage the daughter etc. If that's the case it's kid of pathetic but the daughter should let it go as everyone will probably just roll their eyes at the mom's antics.
This is where I am at.
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2anjuliboys

The LW has said her weight has always been an issue with her mother, so I think her interpretation of her mom's behavior is probably accurate.

I've known women who do this sort of thing to their daughters. It's really shitty.

One of my aunt's has always been skinny, short and petite, and very physically fit. Her daughter is also rather short, but not very petite. She's very fit, though, and strong - just her body type, but according to my aunt, she's fat. My aunt had her daughter on and off diets for years, because her daughter was never quite as skinny as my aunt.

Whenever my cousin does lose a little weight, my aunt starts exercising more. Whenever my cousin gets complicated, my aunt has to make comments on her daughter's weight.

It's sick and they don't have a good relationship because of it.

The LW should just elope and let that be that.
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DarlingDewey
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allycat
Apr 17 2018, 10:25 AM
DEAR ABBY: Once I announced my engagement, my already thin, fit mother went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

My weight has always been an issue with her, and I can’t believe she would draw attention to it in this way. She called me a bridezilla because I told her I think she’s trying to showboat my wedding because she’s the one with the insecurity issues.

I would have been happy to elope, but she insisted on this big wedding to show off to her friends and “recoup the gifts she gave to their kids.”

How do we get through the next six months and keep our already fragile relationship intact? — DAUGHTER OF MOMZILLA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Weddings are supposed to be about the happy couple, not a means for a third party to “recoup” gifts she gave to her friends’ children.

If you feel you would be happier eloping rather than be miserable “going on with the show,” that’s what you and your fiance should do. However, if you do decide to go through with the wedding, you and your mother should agree there will be no further discussion about weight — hers or yours. Period.


_____________________________________

I think the daughter should get over it. It's her mom's body and she can do with it what she wants. It's not an attack. I get being insecure about your weight, but I think she is lashing out unfairly.

If she wanted to elope she should have done that.
So this exact same letter was sent into my local radio show by a girl named "Katie" she made one big change to the story though.

"recoup the gifts she gave to their kids" was changed to "as a gift to my fiance and I, but I think it's to show off to her friends"

So in the letter to Abby she says it's to recoup gifts, but in the other letter she leaves that out and makes it sound like mom is offering to pay for the whole thing.

That doesn't really change my opinion, I think she should elope if that's what she wants. I do wonder how many times she's told this story and if she's worked up more and more resentment with each retelling.
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2anjuliboys

DarlingDewey
Apr 17 2018, 11:00 AM
allycat
Apr 17 2018, 10:25 AM
DEAR ABBY: Once I announced my engagement, my already thin, fit mother went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

My weight has always been an issue with her, and I can’t believe she would draw attention to it in this way. She called me a bridezilla because I told her I think she’s trying to showboat my wedding because she’s the one with the insecurity issues.

I would have been happy to elope, but she insisted on this big wedding to show off to her friends and “recoup the gifts she gave to their kids.”

How do we get through the next six months and keep our already fragile relationship intact? — DAUGHTER OF MOMZILLA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Weddings are supposed to be about the happy couple, not a means for a third party to “recoup” gifts she gave to her friends’ children.

If you feel you would be happier eloping rather than be miserable “going on with the show,” that’s what you and your fiance should do. However, if you do decide to go through with the wedding, you and your mother should agree there will be no further discussion about weight — hers or yours. Period.


_____________________________________

I think the daughter should get over it. It's her mom's body and she can do with it what she wants. It's not an attack. I get being insecure about your weight, but I think she is lashing out unfairly.

If she wanted to elope she should have done that.
So this exact same letter was sent into my local radio show by a girl named "Katie" she made one big change to the story though.

"recoup the gifts she gave to their kids" was changed to "as a gift to my fiance and I, but I think it's to show off to her friends"

So in the letter to Abby she says it's to recoup gifts, but in the other letter she leaves that out and makes it sound like mom is offering to pay for the whole thing.

That doesn't really change my opinion, I think she should elope if that's what she wants. I do wonder how many times she's told this story and if she's worked up more and more resentment with each retelling.
Or the mom has made subsequent statements. It's possible.
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DarlingDewey
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2anjuliboys
Apr 17 2018, 11:04 AM
DarlingDewey
Apr 17 2018, 11:00 AM
allycat
Apr 17 2018, 10:25 AM
DEAR ABBY: Once I announced my engagement, my already thin, fit mother went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

My weight has always been an issue with her, and I can’t believe she would draw attention to it in this way. She called me a bridezilla because I told her I think she’s trying to showboat my wedding because she’s the one with the insecurity issues.

I would have been happy to elope, but she insisted on this big wedding to show off to her friends and “recoup the gifts she gave to their kids.”

How do we get through the next six months and keep our already fragile relationship intact? — DAUGHTER OF MOMZILLA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Weddings are supposed to be about the happy couple, not a means for a third party to “recoup” gifts she gave to her friends’ children.

If you feel you would be happier eloping rather than be miserable “going on with the show,” that’s what you and your fiance should do. However, if you do decide to go through with the wedding, you and your mother should agree there will be no further discussion about weight — hers or yours. Period.


_____________________________________

I think the daughter should get over it. It's her mom's body and she can do with it what she wants. It's not an attack. I get being insecure about your weight, but I think she is lashing out unfairly.

If she wanted to elope she should have done that.
So this exact same letter was sent into my local radio show by a girl named "Katie" she made one big change to the story though.

"recoup the gifts she gave to their kids" was changed to "as a gift to my fiance and I, but I think it's to show off to her friends"

So in the letter to Abby she says it's to recoup gifts, but in the other letter she leaves that out and makes it sound like mom is offering to pay for the whole thing.

That doesn't really change my opinion, I think she should elope if that's what she wants. I do wonder how many times she's told this story and if she's worked up more and more resentment with each retelling.
Or the mom has made subsequent statements. It's possible.
Sure, both things are possible. Paying for an elaborate wedding is a stupid way to recoup gifts though, I'm guessing her mom hasn't shelled out quite that much on her friends kids!
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allycat

DarlingDewey
Apr 17 2018, 11:07 AM
2anjuliboys
Apr 17 2018, 11:04 AM
DarlingDewey
Apr 17 2018, 11:00 AM
allycat
Apr 17 2018, 10:25 AM
DEAR ABBY: Once I announced my engagement, my already thin, fit mother went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

My weight has always been an issue with her, and I can’t believe she would draw attention to it in this way. She called me a bridezilla because I told her I think she’s trying to showboat my wedding because she’s the one with the insecurity issues.

I would have been happy to elope, but she insisted on this big wedding to show off to her friends and “recoup the gifts she gave to their kids.”

How do we get through the next six months and keep our already fragile relationship intact? — DAUGHTER OF MOMZILLA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Weddings are supposed to be about the happy couple, not a means for a third party to “recoup” gifts she gave to her friends’ children.

If you feel you would be happier eloping rather than be miserable “going on with the show,” that’s what you and your fiance should do. However, if you do decide to go through with the wedding, you and your mother should agree there will be no further discussion about weight — hers or yours. Period.


_____________________________________

I think the daughter should get over it. It's her mom's body and she can do with it what she wants. It's not an attack. I get being insecure about your weight, but I think she is lashing out unfairly.

If she wanted to elope she should have done that.
So this exact same letter was sent into my local radio show by a girl named "Katie" she made one big change to the story though.

"recoup the gifts she gave to their kids" was changed to "as a gift to my fiance and I, but I think it's to show off to her friends"

So in the letter to Abby she says it's to recoup gifts, but in the other letter she leaves that out and makes it sound like mom is offering to pay for the whole thing.

That doesn't really change my opinion, I think she should elope if that's what she wants. I do wonder how many times she's told this story and if she's worked up more and more resentment with each retelling.
Or the mom has made subsequent statements. It's possible.
Sure, both things are possible. Paying for an elaborate wedding is a stupid way to recoup gifts though, I'm guessing her mom hasn't shelled out quite that much on her friends kids!
My mom wanted a big wedding for me because she wanted to pay back all of her friends for inviting her to their children's weddings. I didnt really care either way, so we did it her way.

She certainly wasnt doing it to recoup money! I think she just wanted to throw a party TBH. :P

I sometimes wonder what my sister thinks about it. She was married before me and had a very small wedding (only family). I wonder if she felt pressured to save money and really wanted a big wedding.
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sfm

to quote Dorothy to Rose normally donot want to encourage long stories but what is misng here is Blance the story when Rose for once told a rela short one. I would say that to LW what mising is the story or maybe there is someone inthis story with insercuritiy isue, but is notMom, its the person in LW's mirror.
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NOMANNERSHERE
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2anjuliboys
Apr 17 2018, 11:00 AM
The LW has said her weight has always been an issue with her mother, so I think her interpretation of her mom's behavior is probably accurate.

I've known women who do this sort of thing to their daughters. It's really shitty.

I was always heavy. My mother normal weight but always on a "diet" while holding a donut in one hand and a slim fast in the other. So her own mindset always made me even more insecure in my views of my body. Fast forward to me having gastric bypass and losing 190 pounds and getting down to her weight range for the first time ever in my life. Did she applaud me for getting there... nope she'd bake and cook all my favorites, buy candy and treats and do anything in the world she could to sabotage my achievement. Luckily at that point I truly could see what she was doing and didn't fall for it because my "internal strength" was greater than my want for those things. But it did hurt me greatly to see her intentionally undermine all my work... I didn't realize how petty she was about being the "fit" one or the "proper size" one until that moment in time. Yes my gaining back some of the weight later WAS my own fault, but it's amazing to see how comfortable she has become "putting me back in my place" by comments... seriously mom pick a side.

And weddings probably bring out more of the mother daughter fight dynamic than anything...

a good wedding is where all components are still talking after...
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Saucy Minx
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Duchess of Dark Chocolate
In her shoes, I'd elope.
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Koalabella
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They’re welcome to elope, but I think it’s a bit much to assume anyone’s weight is a personal attack against someone else. Surely the LW would have included the nasty comments if they were being made. Short of that, I think she’s nuts.
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Roor
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bad hombre
Koalabella
Apr 17 2018, 02:04 PM
They’re welcome to elope, but I think it’s a bit much to assume anyone’s weight is a personal attack against someone else. Surely the LW would have included the nasty comments if they were being made. Short of that, I think she’s nuts.
It's not about the weight loss.
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shantroy
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Roor
Apr 17 2018, 02:11 PM
Koalabella
Apr 17 2018, 02:04 PM
They’re welcome to elope, but I think it’s a bit much to assume anyone’s weight is a personal attack against someone else. Surely the LW would have included the nasty comments if they were being made. Short of that, I think she’s nuts.
It's not about the weight loss.
I agree.

The mother's weight loss represents something much bigger. It's likely a sign of stressed and complicated relationship.

Like Anj said above, it's not unheard of for mother's to be competitive with their daughters and use big milestones as a chance to show off.
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Figment
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Competitive mothers make me think of Ecclesiastes 3:1, so sad that they can’t let their daughters be in the limelight and realize they had their time.
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Koalabella
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Roor
Apr 17 2018, 02:11 PM
Koalabella
Apr 17 2018, 02:04 PM
They’re welcome to elope, but I think it’s a bit much to assume anyone’s weight is a personal attack against someone else. Surely the LW would have included the nasty comments if they were being made. Short of that, I think she’s nuts.
It's not about the weight loss.
Maybe, but then the LW did a bad job explaining the problem.

What she does say is that she thinks her mom lost weight to “show her up” and she said so to her mother, who called her a bridezilla. That seems like a reasonable response when someone tells you to stop losing weight before their wedding.

Then she says she doesn’t want the big wedding, but her mom did, saying she wants to “recoup” gifts. I’ve heard people say that a few times. Usually they’re half kidding, but saying you’ve been buying gifts for someone and it will be nice for the daughter to have a milestone to receive gifts isn’t exactly monsterous behavior.

If the LW had related anything the mother has said or done that was inappropriate or unkind, I’d be firmly on her side. Assuming the mother has been a jerk because the daughter doesn’t like that she’s lost weight seems off to me.
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Kittycorner
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It's hard to explain the pattern of instances that lead to a final blow up over a trivial instance. The mother's lost weight, so what? The daughter's being over-sensitive and picky.

But if the daughter's had a lifetime of being fat-shamed and of having her own weightloss sabotaged while her mom elbows her out of the way so she can shine at her daughter's birthday parties etc, the daughter's reacting to all that. It might not even occur to her she needs to explain the pattern of her mom hogging the attention while making the daughter feel like shit for being too fat, ugly, and worthless to have her own birthday, engagement, or wedding be about her.

It's only when you start seeing the pattern that you realise where the emotions are coming from.
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Figment
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Koallabella,

Your mom must not have spent your teens years telling you how she still weighed the same as she did in high school all while having had nine babies and acting like you were overweight because you were 5’5” and 112lbs. With mother’s like that all it takes is a glance to tell you that you aren’t up to par.
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Sarcastic Pants
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NO. I am sexy and pretty.
I think Dear Abby letters are so heavily edited that we can never really see the full story. I think there is a chance the letter writer is overreacting, and a chance that there is a good deal of explanatory background we're not getting that makes her reaction totally understandable.
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Figment
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I wonder why they would edit much now that we can read on the internet, don’t they basically have unlimited space?
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riceczeks
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Figment
Apr 17 2018, 09:18 PM
I wonder why they would edit much now that we can read on the internet, don’t they basically have unlimited space?
Unlimited space, yes. Unlimited reader attention span, not so much.
I think they're mostly edited to make them more readable and condense them to how much they think a reader will actually pay attention to.
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TAZ
I gerenukked my neck
LW said: 'my weight has always been an issue with her'. When Mom found out about the engagement, already being thin and fit, proceeded to lose another 20 pounds. Some say there's not enough info. IMO the first 2 sentences in my post tell it all. Much the same as we have a poster who is not heavy whatsoever (I've seen her pics in the past), the Mom is thin and harangues the daughter when she visits/searches her belongings for food. That in itself if no other problems arise is plenty enough to strain whatever relationship a mother and daughter could have.

I think she needs to tell the Mom to have the big wedding for herself, and she (daughter) and SO elope.
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Millicat
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My mom was much the same. When someone is anxious and overeats or bites their nails, the worst thing to do is constantly make a comment when you see their hands at their mouth or eating. Heck, even visiting relatives felt free to remind me if something I was eating was high in calories.

I would nip the wedding in the bud and elope.
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