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How We Became Fire; James short story
Topic Started: September 2, 2010, 5:12 am (19,019 Views)
Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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4everJamie
January 25, 2011, 7:59 am
Scorpion Flower
January 25, 2011, 7:09 am
I don't know if I can write more with those eyes staring at me... :o


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I´m sure you can!! :biggrin :wink
I am mesmerized... :blink:
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Scorpion Flower
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I suddenly shuddered at the thoughts that began to run in my mind. I had a hunch on what he was talking about. He said I had to forgive me, that meant it was something he did. I gulped and then I talked.

“’kay…” I said. Nothing else could come out of my mouth. James kept his gaze on the ceiling, he wasn’t even able to look at me.

“I did something wrong. I am sorry.” He said. His voice trembling, his hands were shaking and my world fell apart hearing his words. He didn’t have to say anything else, right there I knew what he had done and that explained his behavior since he got home.

“How could you?” I asked him. My voice was nothing but a whisper. I was holding back my tears. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to hit him, shout at him, burst into fury but I didn’t want to cry. He finally looked at me. Tears in his eyes again begging me to forgive him but I couldn’t do that. Could I? I shook him my head, it was like we were communicating in silence.

“Please forgive me…” He pleaded. I shook my head again.

“How can you ask me that?”

“I know that it is hard to understand and to forgive Ade but please, it was a mistake a huge mistake.” He tried to explain. I didn’t want to hear anything else from him. I got up and out of bed and grabbed my pillow. I couldn’t sleep with him in the same bed not at least I figured out what I would do. I needed, that moment, to be away from him. James grabbed my wrist in one desperate attempt.

“At least let me explain.” he said.

“I don’t want to hear it.” I said raising my voice. “I don’t want details. This is already too much.” I said trying to free my hand from his but he was holding me strongly. “You’re hurting me.” I said. He let go. I walked to the guests room and closed the door behind me falling on my knees the next second, curling on my own body I started to cry. My shoulders shacked as my sobs became more intense. I crawled onto the bed and laid there crying my eyes out. Hurt…anger…despair…fury…everything taking care of me but most of all it was hurt and disappointment. Meanwhile James knocked on the door.

“Ade let’s talk.” He said from the outside.

“Go away.” I shouted with my crying voice. I felt him trying to open the door but I had locked it.

“We need to talk.” He insisted.

“I don’t want to talk at least not now. Leave me alone.”

“Please…” He begged. I sobbed in silence hearing him.

“I trusted you…” I told him. I had a million things running in my mind. Everything was turning a mess. What was I going to do? I heard James crying against the door.

“It didn’t mean anything Ade…” He said. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to hear about it. I wanted to block my mind. I was easy for him to say it meant nothing but for me it was everything. He had cheated on me. “It was a mistake…a huge mistake.” He kept going.

“Please…” I shouted. “Don’t! I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t.” I said. James went silent and respected my choice. I heard him go back to our room. There was nothing he was going to say that was going to make me feel better. He had ruined everything. My fairy tale was over. I knew perfectly well he wasn’t perfect but that was something I didn’t expect from him at all. That was probably the only thing I wouldn’t be able to forgive but I didn’t want to make a quick decision. I needed to cool down and think things out before taking a decision. I tried to sleep.

I got up really early in the morning with a huge headache. I wasn’t surprised I had cried most of the night and slept pour hours. I made a cup of coffee and went to the garden. I sat on the grass holding the cup with both hands and took a small sip. Disco came running and licked my face. I patted his head and he barked wagging his tail then left running again. The smile I had on my lips vanished immediately and I kept quietly sipping on my coffee and thinking about the events of the previous night. My heart ached badly, it was bleeding. When I was done with the coffee I got back to the kitchen and decided I needed to go out. I needed to get away from there, at least, for some hours. I tiptoed inside the room to pick up some clothes. It seemed like James was sleeping. I closed the door behind me and went for a shower.

I called Katy and asked her to meet me downtown. I didn’t tell her what was going on on the phone but I desperately needed someone to talk to and she was my best friend. She didn’t make questions and agreed to meet me. When I was done I went downstairs and looked on the phone table for the keys to my car.

“Are you going out?” His voice made me jump and I looked back. James was standing against the wall holding a glass of orange juice on one hand. His air was messy, he was just on his shorts and his face looked restless. He had big black bags under his eyes and they were swollen, red.

“Yes. I need to…”I said choking a bit as tears were assaulting me again. I couldn’t look at him. “I need to go out.” I finally said. He nodded with his gaze on his feet. I felt like running my fingers through his hair and tell him everything was going to be alright but I couldn’t. I didn’t feel like everything was going to be alright. I didn’t know how everything was going to be. I opened the door and began to walk, James grabbed my hand.

“Are you coming back?” He asked but I didn’t answer I just pulled my hand away and closed the door behind me. Next thing I was starting the engine of my car and getting out of the house as if I needed that to breathe. I blasted the radio trying to divert my mind from the facts and I reached Katy in 30 minutes. She was already sat at a table in our favorite Starbucks.

“What happened?” She asked me right away then she looked at my face and saw my concerned look. My eyes watered and she pulled me down to sit. “Talk…” She ordered.

“He got home really weird.” I began. “At first he didn’t want to tell me what was going on but then eventually he talked.”

“And…” Katy asked anxious.

“And he said he did something wrong and that I needed to forgive him.” Katy’s eyes widened open.

“He didn’t?” She asked but I nodded.

“Yes he did…” I said putting my eyes on the floor. “He did Katy.” I said cleaning my eyes to prevent my tears from falling.

“Oh…Ade…what are you going to do? What did he say?”

“He didn’t say much. I didn’t want to hear. I just wanted to be alone you know, to think.”

“But you need to let him explain.”

“What’s there to explain? He slept with another woman, there is nothing to explain.”

“Still, you need to talk. You need to let him explain. He tried to talk to you, you need to listen. That s the only way for you to clear things and understand and then make a decision.”

“I just needed to get out of the house. I couldn’t be there.” Katy tapped my hand friendly.

“You’re gonna have to face it Ade.” She advised me. I nodded. I knew that was a fact, I just didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t even know if I wanted to go back home. And I didn’t go until it was already dark. I spent the whole day with Katy driving around town. We had lunch and dinner together. I checked my cell a couple of times but James didn’t call or texted. He was letting me do my healing and thinking, that was a good thing. Late at night I decided to go back home. I was feeling tired and I need to lay down my bones and relax.

I found the house silent and dark it seemed like no one was there but when I opened the door I heard the sound of the guitar coming from the basement. He was playing a very melancholic melody. My heart broke. I began to climb the stairs but then I stopped, thinking. I turned around and opened the door that led me to his studio. The sound of the guitar became clearer and stronger and I decided maybe it was time to talk and to hear what he had to say.

James was sat on the black couch with the guitar on his lap he looked at me as soon as he felt my presence. Putting the guitar on the ground softly as I leaned against the sound table.

“Can we talk now?” I asked him. He rand his palms on his jeans nervously and nodded. I went silent though I was the one telling him to talk but I also guessed he had to be the one starting. He was the one making a mistake and I was the one needing an explanation.

“They all got girls…” He began. “I don’t know what got into me but I let this rush taking over. I just wanted to feel young. It was stupid. I was stupid. I regretted it the moment..” He sighed. “Well the moment it was over.” Tears fell down my face as I listened to him.

“Did you actually or did she just…” I didn’t know how to put the question but I wanted to know if he had gotten all the way with the girl or if she had done just a small favor. In some way that would be different to me only his answer made things hurt even more.

“I actually did.” He said looking in my eyes for the first time. A small whimper escaped my lips. “It didn’t mean anything Ade. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away like that. I don’t know what I was thinking. I love you…” I tried to clear my throat so I could speak.

“How would you feel if it was me? How would you feel if I came up to you and say something like that? How do you think that makes you feel? I trusted you…”

“And I could just hide it from you but I decided since then that I should tell you. I don’t want to lie to you. It breaks my heart to make you suffer and it breaks even more because I am the one causing that suffer but please Ade. Let me fix things.” He begged.

“And how am I supposed to trust you again? How am I supposed to feel when at the end of this week you have to leave again? How are you going to fix this?”

“I won’t ever do anything like this again.”

“How do I know that? I didn’t think you’d do it and you did.” I shot at him. “I don’t know if I can forgive you…” James buried his head between his knees and wrapped his arms around his head as if the world was falling on his shoulders.

“What are you going to do?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” I said honestly then I turned around and left the room. I heard him call my name but I didn’t answer nor I came back. I wanted to cry and rest my restless body. I wanted to be in the dark all alone, I wanted it all to be a lie, a nightmare from which I would wake up. I wanted to forgive him but I knew deep inside I would never be able to do that. My stomach churn one more time making me puke my dinner before I was able to lay in bed. I cried and puked and suffocated at the same time. Something else was wrong.
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Izzy
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James!! how could you!!! :angry :angry

And I wonder what's up with Ade.

More!! :biggrin
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xlau05
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Blackened
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omg James :angry
poor them.. I really hope that sometime they'll give it another try..

more please :heart:
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4everJamie
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Poor Ade :(
Damn James, not only did you betray her trust in you...you broke her heart!
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Men! :angry

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I´m way too much into this story.
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Gaby de Trujillo
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Frantic
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But...but... they have to be together because she is pregnat... isn't she? =(
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ElisabethOrion
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I'm creatively constipated.
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Spoiler: click to toggle

:rolleyes: Anyways.....

FUCK YOU JAMES!! YOU CHEATED ON HER!! YOU BASTARD!!!! :angry :angry
But, Ade. You do have to give him that, he probably was drunk, thinking of you, got horny, and fucked the nearest possible thing. (I just remember, James is a straight edge...) Here it goes again...
FUCK YOU JAMES!! YOU CHEATED ON HER!! YOU BASTARD!!!! :angry :angry


That is all.
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Scorpion Flower
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I woke up in the morning feeling awful. I felt my head spinning so I laid back even though I wanted to get up but the moment I tried I felt weak and dizzy, I laid back immediately. The house was still silent so I assumed that James was still sleeping. I didn’t hear him going to his room, well, our room in fact. He must have gone to bed really late. Nausea took the role in the morning. I turned around in bed wincing and agonizing.

“God…” I whispered trying to resist the urge to run to the toilet first thing in the morning. “What’s wrong with me?” I muttered. I couldn’t wait or hold it. I got up feeling dizzy and went to the bathroom kneeling in front of the toilet. Nothing came out but I got a bit relieved. I flushed the toilet anyway and got up to wash my face. I looked pale. I felt my head spinning around more and more until I felt my legs becoming really weak. I sat on the floor resting and when I felt I was a bit stronger I got up and leaned against the wall. My head was just spinning around, I needed help.

I walked out of my room and leaned against the walls for support feeling I was about to pass out I called James. First his name came out as a whisper but then feeling my legs failing on me I sat on the floor and I called his name loud, I called for him twice and then I heard the door of the bedroom opening fast.

“Ade!!” He exclaimed seeing me sat on the floor. He was just on his boxers and I knew I had just awaken him up. “What’s the matter?” He said crouching in front of me. James ran a hand through my hair visibly concerned.

“I don’t know.” I said. “I’m feeling dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out but I didn’t.” I explained.

“You look pale. Let’s put you in bed.” He said. I tried to get up but James just grabbed me in his arms and took me to what is supposed to be our room. He sat me in our bed and then sat by my side. ”I’m going to bring you water.” He said kissing my forehead and leaving the room. James came back some time after holding a tray. He had made tea and toasts. “I think it’s better if you eat.” He said putting the tray on my lap. I didn’t argue I took the cup of tea in my hands and I sipped on it. James was watching me. “Feeling better?” He asked as I was eating slowly. I nodded.

“I think so.” I ate everything he brought and I remained still for a while in bed while he took the tray away.

“Do you wanna go to the hospital?” He asked. James ventured on running a hand through my face, I let him do it. I was feeling vulnerable and a bit scared. What I felt for him was bigger than anything. It was bigger than him, bigger than me…bigger than us.

“No…I don’t think that’s necessary. I feel better already” I said. I was indeed feeling better if it wasn’t for the stomach to attack me again. “Oh no…” I said wincing. My stomach didn’t hurt it was just this nausea that didn’t want to leave me. “I need to go to the toilet.” I warned him. He stretched me out his hand to help me stand and then walked with me until the bathroom just in case. As soon as the toilet was right in front of me I just had to do the usual procedure. I kneeled and I spilt my guts out. James patiently help my hair and when I was finished he took me to the basin and washed my face and dried it with a towel.

“That’s it Ade. We’re going to the hospital right now.” He commanded. Again I went with his instructions. I took a shower and got dressed and so did he. Holding onto his arm James took me to the nearest hospital. It took a while until my name was called out. James walked in with me. The doctor examined me carefully and then asked for some tests. Blood tests and an RM.

“This is taking long.” James complained on the chair while we waited to be called again.

“The nurse told me it would take more than an hour to get the results of the RM.” I said.

“How are you?” He asked.

“I am alright.”

“Really? Wanna lay down?” He said offering me his lap.

“I am ok.” I insisted. James ran a hand through my hair. He looked so concerned. I looked at him and couldn’t but wonder why did he had to hurt us that much.

“Were you drunk?” I asked him. I needed an excuse to forgive him otherwise I wouldn’ be able to do it but he shook his head crushing me again. I looked away. James grabbed my hand and squeezed it lightly. I didn’t pull him away at the same time tears rolled down my face. His free hands cleaned them and he rested his lips against my ear.

“Don’t cry.” He whispered. “I am so sorry Ade. What do you want me to do? I’ll do anything.” He offered but he was interrupted by the nurse calling my name to meet the doctor again. Again James walked into the doctor’s office with me.

“So, do you have the results?” I asked rubbing my hands in my jeans nervously. The doctor looked at us and smiled.

“Yes, I have the results.” He said.

“And…” James asked impatiently.

“Everything is fine Ade.” He said. I was surprised.

“Then why do I feel this bad?” I asked.

“Your blood tests show us that you’re pregnant.” I wanted to say “what?” but I opened my mouth in vain. Nothing came out. I saw James resting back on his chair taken by surprise and running both hands on his hair. He looked pale for a moment.

“That can’t be!” I finally said shaking my head. “That isn’t possible.”

“Are you sure?” James finally spoke.

“Yes we are sure. I suspected it since I examined you, your blood and urine tests leave us no doubts. You are pregnant. 4 weeks pregnant to be more exact. Around that.” James started walking around in the room and I kept arguing.

“But I am on pills!”

“You must have forgotten to take it some time, antibiotics, there are a few medicines that reduces its effect. It happens.” The doctor explained. It happens but it couldn’t have happened to me. I was devastated and James was a nervous wreck. We had never talked about having children I was quite sure he didn’t want any more children and I also wasn’t ready to be a mother. That was totally on the back of my mind plus the timing was just hideous. It couldn’t be worse than that. “Is there anything more I can help you with?” The doctor asked taking me off my trance. James silent walking around the room was leaving me too nervous.

“No, I just…” I didn’t finished what I was going to say. I was trying to process the news in my mind then James spoke.

“Is there anything she can do not to get sick all the time?” He asked in a calm tone. I looked back at him and for a brief seconds our eyes met but he strayed his gaze right away.

“Yes I am going to prescribe her some vitamins that she should be doing during the whole pregnancy and also a medicine for the sickness.” The doctor began to write down and I looked back at James again. I was in panic. “You need an appointment with a specialist. I recommend you the obstetrics of our hospital. You better book and appointment.” I just nodded. We left in silence and in the reception I booked my appointment that shouldn’t be in next three weeks. According to the nurse it had to be that way so the heart could be heard already. I agreed, what did I know about pregnancies? I could only trust her.

In the car, I talked. “Please leave me at Katy’s.” I asked. James started the engine and began to drive.

“No, you’re going home.” He said.

“Do you mind to leave me at Katy’s? I don’t want to go home.”

“You need to rest! You’re going home ok!” He shouted. I raised an eyebrow in protest.

“I am feeling fine! I don’t want to go home.” I raised my tone.

“How did this happen?” He asked. James was nervous.

“I don’t know. You heard me asking for explanations. I don’t know how this happened.” I answered him with tears in my eyes. He was pissed off and wanting explanations.

“Did you forget to take the pills?” He insisted.

“HEY!!” I shouted. “None of this is my fault” I didn’t do this on purpose. What are you implying?” I asked him disturbed. He took a deep breath and tapped on the wheel while waiting for the light to turn green.

“I’m sorry…” He whispered.

“I am as surprised as you are.” I cried. James pulled over and pulled me to him patting my head.

“It’s ok. It will be alright.”

“No…it won’t be alright!” I sobbed against his chest. “I wasn’t expecting this baby. I didn’t plan it and neither did you. We’re going through a major problem and now we already have another one to deal with. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t have this baby on my own.”

“But we can have it together.” He said. I looked up in his eyes.

“I don’t know if I can be together with you.” I said. “That’s the point!” James let his arms fall down slowly looking into my eyes.

“Are you breaking up with me Ade?” He asked. I looked in his eyes unable to confirm it. Was I? Is that what I wanted? Unable to say anything I just opened the door of the car and got out. I heard James calling me but I didn’t stop and he didn’t come after me. I called a cab and went to Katy’s.

“I was waiting for you.” Katy said when she opened the door. Seeing my intrigued look she cleared things. “James called me saying you’d probably be coming here and asked me not to let go home alone if you’d go home. Now Ade do you mind to tell me what’s going on? He sounded a wreck on the phone!” I sat at her couch.

“I’m pregnant.” I dropped the news right away. Katy opened her mouth and she was going to say congratulations but refrained.

“When did you find out?” She asked instead.

“At the hospital this morning. I woke up feeling dizzy and sick again. James took me to the hospital and I had some tests et voilá!” I told her. Katy smiled and tapped my hand.

“How are you feeling?” She asked and I shrugged.

“I wasn’t expecting this baby and neither was he. He got nervous, he made me questions and assumptions! I don’t know I guess he didn’t want to have any more kids. We’re having a hard time and now this happens. This is too bad.”

“He took the news badly?” She asked surprised.

“I think he was just nervous and surprised at the same time. At fist he did but then he soften a bit.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I am capable of having this baby on my own.”

“Maybe you don’t have to have it on your own Ade.” Katy suggested. I looked at her waiting for some light at the end of the tunnel. “I know you’re going through hard times and fresh to complicate things even more but maybe this is not the end. Maybe this baby came to unite you. It’s not the perfect timing, it wasn’t planned but hey, it’s here. You have a life inside of you.” She said rubbing my belly and I think it hit me for the first time in the maternal way. I smiled at her.

“I don’t want to stay with him just because I am having his child.”

“It’s not only because of that it’s also because you love him. I am not trying to influence you or anything but I think you have some thinking to do. It’s not just about you anymore, it’s about him or her…” She giggled. “And he was just nervous and surprised. I bet when he realizes a new baby is coming his way…” She smiled. James was an excellent father, I had to give him that. “So, are you coming back home?” She asked.

“I still have all my stuff in there. I have to come back there for sure.”

“That is not what I asked.” She argued. I nodded.

“Yes, at least for now.” I said.
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xlau05
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Blackened
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she needs to find a way to forgive him! even if it's not easy..
and yay, she's pregnant :nanner:

more!
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Izzy
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She's pregnant :D

but she really needs to forgive him!

Moar, please!!!
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4everJamie
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Some Kind Of Monster
[ * ]
“How did this happen?” He asked."
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Jerk, you have three kids what do you think where they came from? :rolleyes:

Okay, I guess they were both unable to cope with the news.
Maybe Aunt Katy :biggrin can help them solve their issues!
I really hope Ade & James will find a way! :heart:

Gimme MORE, please! :biggrin




they will have a baby :nanner:
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Scorpion Flower
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I came back home during the afternoon. I opened the door to hear people shouting. As I walked inside I realized it was Lars. I stood at the living’s room door hearing him screaming at James nervously.

“You should have keep your mouth shut. Why do you always have to tell everything.” He shouted at James. James was sat on a chair looking at him.

“Hey. I am going through major problems here don’t try to divert things.” James complained.

“Yeah but did you have to tell her we all got girls? What if she tells Connie?” I interrupted Lars.

“I am not gonna tell Connie. That is not who I am. But what you’re doing is wrong. At least James was strong enough to tell me even though he knew he was going to put us in danger.” I said. James looked at me with his eyes glittering, I guess it as because I was home. With that said I went upstairs. I still had to digest the fact that I was pregnant, in love with a man that cheated on me and I didn’t have a clue of what to do. I heard them talking downstairs for more than half an hour. I closed the curtains to make the room dark and I curled on my bed crying, sobbing.

My head was just a mess. When everything was perfect it all came tumbling down. James cheating…My head was telling me to go away, to leave him but my heart was telling me to stay. To stay with the man I loved and with the father of the child I was now carrying. This child was, obviously, making all the decisions hard. I rubbed my belly with my hands and cried a bit. “what do I do?” I asked to myself. I felt the door of the bedroom opening. James sat on the edge of the bed and I tried to silence my sobs but a hiccup gave me away. James laid on the bed and curled against me and wrapped his arm around my waist. I didn’t move it felt good to have him there. We stood in silence for a while, both crying. After a while he turned me around gently, I did it without resistance. He took his hand to my eyes and cleaned them then he kissed each one of my eyes at a turn. His cheeks wet from his tears.

“I am sorry I was rude with you today.” He said whispering.

“You didn’t want it.” I said. “I can’t have a child you don’t want.” He shook his head.

“No Ade…no…I was surprised yes and caught by surprise. We didn’t plan and I wasn’t counting on it but it’s not that I don’t want it. Well…the timing is not perfect but…” He chocked a bit on his tears as he remembered the cause of our anguish. “If only I could erase what I have done. I am so sorry Ade.” He said. Tears began to roll down my face.

“I wanted to forgive you but I can’t.” He turned on his back and sobbed a bit.

“God…” He sighed crying.

“Why did you make me fall in love with you if you were going to do this? Why making me love you? For this?”

“I was weak! I should have resisted and I didn’t.”

“Was she pretty?” I asked. He looked at me and shook his head. “Was she prettier than me?” I needed to understand his reasons.

“I don’t even know!” He said. “I don’t remember her quite well. Don’t do this Ade. Why do you wanna know that? I don’t know Ade…I don’t know how she looked like.” He said desperate.

“You didn’t look at her?”

“It was a party, there was a lot of stuff going on. It was a bit dark, I didn’t see her very well. She came up to me and…” He stopped talking. “She…well…she, it doesn’t matter. Last thing I knew I had done it.”

“What a convincing explanation.” I said with sarcasm. James sat on the bed and grabbed both my arms.

“You need to give us a chance Ade. I didn’t let go of you when you ran away from me. I stood there and I fought to make you stay because I was I love with you. Together with my kids you are the most important person in my life. I am not perfect, I have my flaws and I know this was a huge flaw but Ade…give me a chance to prove you that I can do better.”

“I’m going to Sweden.” I told him. “I am going to produce the new Katatonia’s album. I am going to Sweden.” He looked at me horrified.

“How long?”

“I don’t know, four, five months. I’ll stay here until the first appointment with the doctor but then I’ll leave. I am not going to do the week in and out. I am going to simply stay there.”

“You’re pregnant!”

“I know but there’s also doctors in there right?” I was controlling myself not to cry again. I was officially breaking up with the only man I have loved.

“You can’t just take the baby away from me. I am the father.” He said.

“And you will be able to follow the pregnancy if you want. I’ll be back in the US by the time of the labor.” James caught my face between his hands.

“Please Ade…” He begged. “Give me a chance. Give me a chance.” He said. His eyes filled with tears, his eyes red. He kissed my lips and I let him but I didn’t kiss him back. “Please…” He whispered breaking the kiss. I looked in his eyes but said nothing he ended up leaving me alone. I crashed on my bed crying. I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up several hours later. It was dark already and I didn’t have a clue of how many hours I slept. I got out of bed and the house was empty. It seemed like James was not around. I looked for him in living room but it was dark. I turned the lights on and noticed a notebook opened on the couch. It was hand written, it was James letter. I wasn’t going to read it but then I saw my name on it so I picked it up and I read it.

“Ade,

You don’t know how it hurts me to know I am the one causing all your pain. I never meant to be the one to break your heart. I’ve always wanted to be the one mending it instead. You don’t have a clue of how bad I feel and believe me, if I could turn back time I would do everything differently.
I told you once I was not cured and that I had to be strong to keep me away from everything that could drag me down. I didn’t that time and now I have to pay the price. I have to lose you. Of all things I could lose you were the one thing I wanted to keep. I love you so much…
Probably when you read this you’re gonna be far away in Sweden and it doesn’t matter what I say or do but I want you to know that I profoundly regret what I have done. Forgive me…
I was willing to cancel the rest of the tour just to stay with you and prove you how much you matter but you didn’t give me the chance to even tell you that. I would do anything to keep you but I have to respect your choice. Will you think of me while you’re there?
I will be here thinking of you and maybe when you come back you can give me another chance because I will be waiting for you. I waited all my life for you…you are the sun and I am the moon and there is only a moonlight when the sun is reflecting on the moon. I won’t shine if you’re not here.
I love you and I love our child deeply. I hope you can forgive me, just don’t erase me off your life and please don’t forget about me.

With love,

James”

I rested the notebook on the couch again and cleaned my tears. I went to the kitchen to find something to drink and I saw James out in the garden sat on the stairs that led to the pool. He looked down and lost. My heart ached. I had a bit of water and then I went up to him. His letter broke my heart. He was willing to cancel the shows? When I approached him I noticed James putting something behind his legs. I crouched in front of him.

“Have you had anything to eat?” He asked. I shook my head. “You must eat.”

“What do you have behind your legs?” I asked him. He didn’t say anything he just reached with his hand behind his legs and pulled a bottle of wine. I opened my mouth at him astonished.

“You drank it?” I asked him seeing the bottle was open. I took the bottle of his hands and then cupped his face between my hands. “You can’t drink, you hear me? Do you want to make things even worse?” He shook his head.

“I didn’t drink a drop of it. I was considering it though. I am so desperate…” His shoulders began to shake as he cried. I let go of him and rested my hands on my knees looking at him. “I know I fucked up badly Ade. I know I did and I can’t forgive myself for it. I want you to forgive me but I know I can’t force you and I betrayed your trust in the most outrageous way. I feel dirty and I don’t want to go back to those schemes. I am not capable of going back to that life what I have here is so much bigger. What I feel for you is bigger and more valuable. I just wish I could make you stay, I wish I could make you forget.”

“Between my hurt and your despair I don’t know what’s worse.” I said. He smiled at me even though he was crying. “I can’t see you like this.” I said running my hand on this cheek.

“Don’t go away Ade. Don’t go…” He whispered. “The kids love you, they will be sad and I’ll be broken. We’re having a baby…”

“It’s chilly here.” I said getting up and stretching him my hand. “Let’s go back inside.” He took my hand an we got in. “Sit on the table. I’m gonna make us some sandwiches.” I said.

“No. You sit and I’ll do it.” I did as he asked and while he prepared our little meal in silence I scrutinized his body from the behind. I wanted so much to run my hands under his shirt up through his back and kiss his neck. As soon as he turned around I strayed my gaze and pretend I was looking at something else. He put the plate in front of me and sat. “Did you take the pills so you won’t get sick?” He asked me. I shook my head and prepared to get up to pick the bottle up but he was faster. I sat back and James handed me a pill and a glass of water. Then we just began to eat in silence. There was a war inside my head with everything that was happening and I needed to understand. I broke the silence.

“Did you like it? I mean…the girl…” I asked him. First he looked at me with pleading eyes not to talk about that anymore but acknowledging I wanted an answer he cleaned his lips with the napkin and began to speak looking down at his hands that were resting on the table.

“Lars threw this party, we haven’t had that kind of party in years. Some girls were taken there you know. Candle lights, booze, some drugs. I didn’t drink or taken any drugs. I went there just out of curiosity, I thought I could handle it…” He choked a bit and cleared his throat. “Cleary I couldn’t…” He paused again. “Well, I should have known better. Anyway, these parties usually get nasty. Girls drink and get high and they are willing to do anything they’re asked. Lars ordered two of them to make out and it was right in front of me. I got really turned on watching them…I am sorry…” He whispered shaking his head.

“And then?” I thought I was being brave to be there listening to all that and at the same time he was being brave himself to be that honest.

“Then a chick that I don’t have a clue where she was came up to me and she kneeled in front of me and…Ade…” That was too much for him to tell but I understood quite well what she had done. I nodded at him. “And then I wasn’t strong enough to make her stop. I just wanted to unload. There was no feelings in it, no nothing. It was fast as hell. I wasn’t there to please her, I don’t even know if she had the time to feel anything. It wasn’t a matter of me enjoying it Ade. It was nothing…I could have used my hand and that would be the same.”

“Well but it’s not exactly the same.” I said. James reached for my hand.

“Let’s not talk about this. Look we just found out that we’re having a baby and we haven’t discussed it. We didn’t pay attention to it and I think our baby deserves more from us right?” I rubbed my belly and looked down at it.

“You seemed like you didn’t want it.” I said.

“No…” James got up and crouched next to my chair. “No…no way. I want it yes. I wasn’t counting on it that was all. Come on we’re dealing with a problem and then this happened. I was just nervous not even thinking clearly.”

“I don’t know if I am the motherhood type.” James smiled.

“Yes you are. You are amazing with my children, you protective of them. You are tender. That shows you’re ready to have a baby Ade.”

“I want to go back to bed.” I said. James got up and kissed my forehead. It was late and I didn’t even notice how late it was. I changed to my pajamas and I laid back in bed. I tossed around unable to sleep. I heard James closing the door of the room, he went to bed as well. My mind wandered through our last conversation in the kitchen. I had decided to go to Sweden but then I didn’t know if that was really what I wanted to do. My head was a mess, one minute I wanted to go next minute I wanted to stay. One minute I wanted to forgiven him, next minute I couldn’t forgive him. I touched my belly with both hands.

“I am sorry I have forgotten about you the whole day.” I spoke. “I hope everything is ok with you there. What do I do with your father little one? Can you tell me?” I stood there quiet and silent for a while then I just grabbed my pillow and sneaked in James’s room. I put the pillow on my side and I sneaked into bed. He stirred a bit but didn’t wake up. I felt the need to feel the heat of his body against mine. Soon I felt my eyes subsiding.
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xlau05
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Blackened
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he seems sincere.. she needs to forgive him!
:heart:
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4everJamie
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Some Kind Of Monster
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WOW, what a intense chapter :o :tu: :tu:
James letter really made me cry here...
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Izzy
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Outlaw Torn
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a very powerful part!! :tu:

I hope she doesn't go to sweden, and she needs to stay with James!

More!! :heart:
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