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How We Became Fire; James short story
Topic Started: September 2, 2010, 5:12 am (19,013 Views)
ElisabethOrion
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I'm creatively constipated.
[ * ]
FUUUUUUUUUCK
James, you bitch. :angry
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Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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Girls, thank you so much. :heart: :heart: :heart: Really appreciated. :)

***************************************

I was feeding our children when I felt the door opening. Alone in my room with two babies to take care of I looked at the clock that read 3 am. He had never been out that late. When I felt the door of our room opening I looked back but he looked down at his feet and I looked back to what I was doing. With my back turned at him I could feel him walking around the room undoing his clothes, then I felt the door of the bathroom closing and the shower running. Tears burned in my eyes again and not controlling it they began to fall in silence and then a drop fell on Cullen’s face causing him to frown.

“I am sorry sweetie.” I whispered cleaning the salty water off my son’s perfect face. When the bottles were done I began to change their diapers. Cullen first as he was quiet and then Cayla, just when James got out of the bathroom with his shower taken dressed in shirt and boxers. He crossed us not looking at me or the babies, that hurt me a lot. Last thing he laid in bed and closed his eyes. I thanked God the babies were calm, I would not stand if he’d lose his mind again the way he did during that afternoon.

Cullen fell asleep on his own but I had to rock Cayla in my arms for a while until she subsided to her fatigue. She was tougher to put to sleep than the boy, she fought it as hard as she could. Once I succeed with my hard task I put her in the crib and prayed they’d let us sleep until they were hungry again. I slid into bed thinking James was already sleeping. I turned off the light and then I cried again in silence but he wasn’t sleeping, soon I felt his arm around my waist pulling me to him.

“How come they are so quiet?” He asked in a monochord tone.

“Sometimes they are fine others they aren’t. They’re babies.” I said trying my best to sound normal. James pulled his body even more against mine and I felt his lips kissing my neck but I shook him away from me.

“Get off me.” I said getting rid of his hands. He couldn’t think that after all he’s done he could just act like everything was fine.

“Come on Ade.” He whispered trying to grab me again.

“No.” I said. “Not after what you’ve done.” I argued. James was stubborn and even though I was saying no he grabbed me again making me turn to him and pressed his lips against mine.

“Make love to me Ade.” He said breaking the kiss. I tried to turn my face away from him but he grabbed my jaw firmly so I couldn’t escape. He kissed me again but I didn’t move or reacted to any of his investments. He let go and crashed on the bed back to his place.

“You hurt me so much today and you yelled at the babies and now you’d expect me to make love to you?” I told him.

“You never have time for me now. It’s like I don’t even exist.” He said.

“There’s two babies in the house who depend on me for everything.” He turned his back on me leaving me with no answer. When he adjusted his pillow under his head I knew he was ending the subject. “Right…” I muttered. Just when we were both trying to catch up some sleep Cayla cried.

“Oh Fuck!” James cursed grabbing his pillow and bursting out of the room leaving me incredulous looking at him. Cayla fell back asleep a few seconds after and I cried myself to sleep alone on the bed.

In the morning I was washing the bottles in the kitchen I felt his presence but I kept on doing my duty without taking my eyes off of the sink. When I was drying my hands I saw him with his hands shoved in the pockets on his faded blue jeans leaning against the threshold.

“I’m sorry.” He said. I opened the cabinet searching for some mugs to have my breakfast totally ignoring him but he walked in and placed himself by my side. “Please forgive me Ade.” I stopped what I was doing and looked at him with tears in my eyes.

“I had to quit my job to take care of them you know but I don’t mind because I love them too much. I have this unconditional love inside of me and I don’t even know what I would do for them. They depend on me for everything. I am the one who stays with them the whole day and yes they cry a lot but they’re just babies and babies cry a lot. Don’t you think sometimes I wanna yell at them too and ask them to shut up? Don’t you think that I am exhausted too? But I just can’t leave them and even when they are screaming and shouting and driving me insane and I am clueless of what to do to calm them down, I have to be there for them. I am their mother.” Tears fell down my face heavily. James took a hand to my face to clean them but I strayed not letting him touch me.

“Ade…”

“I have to do everything by myself. I have to take care of them and then arrange a wedding. You are comfortably in the studio recording your new album and don’t even help me. Hell, you don’t even look at them when you come home. You act now like they don’t exist unless they are crying and you yell at them.”

“That is not true.” He contested.

“It is true! Even last night the second Cayla cried you left me alone with them and went to sleep in the other room. It is true. I know you didn’t want them. I know you were caught by surprise. You even asked me for explanations when you knew I was pregnant but now they are here and they exist and damn they also need their father. How do you think it makes me feel?”

“I wanted them. What the fuck?” He told me throwing his hands in the air. “I love my children. I don’t know what you’re implying…”

“James you come home and you don’t even look at them. You don’t get close to them. Even yesterday you came home and you didn’t bother seeing them, even worse you went out leaving me alone and then when you came back, I was feeding them and you didn’t even bother to come near the crib. A whole day passed and you didn’t even look at your children. Have you seen them today? Have you even looked at them today?” I yelled at him. James bent his head down.

“Yeah… I thought so.” I said turning back to the cabinet to pick up the mug.

“You are being unfair.” He said.

“What I know is that you’ve been acting weird. Sometimes you come home and I don’t even recognize you, it’s like you’re not the same person anymore.” I saw his eyes filling with water. “and then in the morning you say you’re sorry and it’s you again. I don’t get it. James what is wrong with you?”

“I am fine. I am just tired.” He said trembling a bit. I looked at him for a while and then looked back at the cabinet, I finally picked up the mug and poured some cereals on it. James stood there in silence, it seemed to me I touched a delicate subject all of a sudden or he was just processing everything I had just told him. “That envelope on the microwave is a catalogue to chose the rings if you want to take a look at it.” He raised his gaze off his feet and looked at me nodding, he grabbed the envelope. “Do you still want to marry me?” I asked him. He closed his eyes and chocked, once again his eyes filled with water, this time he didn’t control the tears rolling down .

“Of course I do.”

“We should be happy. We’re getting married, we have two beautiful and healthy babies. I don’t know what’s going wrong. I don’t know where I am failing. Am I failing?” I asked him. I was desperate to understand him. James put the catalogue on the counter and left the kitchen leaving me alone. I ate my breakfast again surprised at the silence in the house. For the first time in 3 long weeks the babies gave me a quiet night and now a quiet morning. They ate and they slept without problems.

Done in the kitchen I went to check them out in the living room, I found James looking at them and crying. “I love them.” He said feeling my presence. He got up from the couch and cleaned his eyes with the back of his hand. “I love them a lot.” He affirmed.

“Then show it.” I said. “Right now you don’t act like you do.”

“That is not fair. Your accusations hurt me Ade.”

“I am sorry but lately you act like we don’t matter, to the point I have doubts that you still want to marry me. Are you tired of us?” He shook his head.

“God no Ade. No…I love you and them so much.” He cried.

“Then what’s wrong?” I asked. He cleaned his eyes one more time and turned around.

“I am going to the studio.” He said grabbing his jacket.

“Right…” I said looking at my kids. I heard the door closing and I decided to take a shower and get dressed while I had the chance.

Later…

“Lars I had been trying to call James is he there?”

“Sorry Ade but he’s not here. He left for lunch.” He told me.

“Again?” I asked.

“Well…” Lars went silent. “Yeah…”

“When he gets back tell him I am taking the babies to the pediatrician if he wants to go too.”

“I will Ade.” I hung up and tried James again but his cell was dead. I grabbed everything I needed, picked up my kids and left the house. I took a walk in the park with them before I went to the hospital. They loved to be pushed on the stroller and were always quiet. I took the chance the day was warm and the sun was shinning to spend some time outdoors with them and I had a hotdog. I checked my phone every five minutes but no sign of James and when the hour to go to the hospital came I barely lost my hope. He didn’t show up nor he called. I came back home devastated.

I prepared their bath before they had to eat again. I bathed them and dressed them then I smiled and kissed them feeling their baby scent.

“Oh you smell so good.” I said burying my nose in Cayla. “Mommy loves you so much.” I baby talked to her, then I looked at Cullen laid on my bed by her side. “Mommy loves you too, don’t be jealous.” I kissed him. Then I grabbed them and took them downstairs to the kitchen with me. They were getting a little cranky but not crying. I was happy I had spent such a calm day with them and at the same time sad because James didn’t show up, not even called. I was preparing their bottles when he closed the door. I shook the bottles to dissolve the powder well and then I turned to the stroller, that’s when he appeared at the door. He leaned against it but I ignored him.

“I just saw your missed call now.” He said.

“Where have you been?” I asked.

“Around…” He said.

“Oh…around…how elucidative.” I snapped.

“Look I am sorry I missed your call.” He raised his voice. There he was again.

“You missed my call. You missed your children’s appointment and you come back home saying you were around.” I accused him. “Do you know Lars called me in the afternoon looking for you? You didn’t even show up at the studio during the afternoon.”

“Lars shouldn’t bother you.” He said.

“Oh, now he’s the one who’s wrong.”

“Why the fuck you are always fighting now?” He yelled. I put the bottles in the sink and turned to him.

“Stop fucking yelling near them. You scare them.” I said. James grabbed my arm with strength.

“All you care about now is them.”

“James you’re hurting me.” I said wincing as his hand squeezed my arm, when he released I pulled away. “Aren’t you even gonna look at them?” I said pointing at the twins.

“I need to take a shower.” He said turning his back. I grabbed his shirt with such strength that it ripped.

“Look at them.“ I told him.. James pushed me against the table.

“Let me go.” He yelled. “LET THE FUCK GO!” His eyes showed rage. He was not the man I knew.

“Are you going to hit me now?” I defied him. He raised his hand but he stopped.

“Don’t make me lose my mind Ade. Just let me be. I just need to be alone.” He said calming down. “Just leave me the fuck alone.” He whispered walking away the next second. I remained against the table stabilizing my breathing. My heart was racing and for the first time I felt fear. I went to the living room and sat on the couch trying to process it all. It was too much.

“I’m going out.” He said rudely.

“James…” I called him. Seeing he wasn’t answering I ran after him and tried to grab him by his jacket but he jerked me away. I caught him in the garden. “James…” I stood between him and the door of his car. “Let’s talk.” I cried. “Don’t go.” I begged him.

“Get out of the way.” He said.

“Please…” I begged again. James rested his hands on his waist and looked down at his feet. I saw he was crying too but then he looked at me grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me aside.

“Don’t wait for me.” He said. I looked back while he closed the door. I saw him cry but still he drove away.
Edited by Scorpion Flower, February 13, 2011, 8:41 am.
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xlau05
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Blackened
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oh God... it's getting worse :ugh: I REALLY wonder what's happening with James.. is there another girl? is he REALLY jealous of the babies? I mean, it's his babies! :/

More? :biggrin
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ElisabethOrion
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WTF James.... :angry
You're a bitch. :angry
GAH.. when will it get better??
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4everJamie
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Posted Image What The Hell are you doing Hetfield???
:angry Get your head out of your ass and be a man..not the biggest baby in the house :angry :rolleyes:
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Scorpion Flower
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What a shitty rainy day to get home..arrghhh the traffic, the accidents...But I just made it!!

Hope you girls are in a better mood than I am:)

Today's update:)

***********************************

I didn’t wait for him. I was too tired to actually wait for him and even if I wanted I would fall asleep for sure. Since the twins were so quiet and calm I slept as much as I could in between their meals. I was sat on the bed holding Cayla, rocking her to sleep when he came in. Only the light of my nightstand was on and I couldn’t see his face very well but he seemed broken and restless. His face was rigid and serious, he was not at all relaxed, no, he was tense and quiet. Once again he walked to his side of the bed and sat taking his shoes off, he had to pass through the crib to go there but he didn’t even look at Cullen who was there sleeping and he was just the most cutest thing. It hurt me so much those moments where he completely ignored two innocent babies that were his own. His own blood. I was tired of yelling and crying so I remained in silence rocking our daughter and praying she wouldn’t cry. I was afraid of what his reaction could be but even before Cayla fell asleep, James fell asleep. The minute he hit the pillow and closed his eyes he fell into deep sleep.

“That was fast.” I hushed all alone. When Cayla fell into her sleep I put her gently on her crib and it was my turn to sleep. I was delighted my children had given me such a quiet day. For the first time since they were born I could actually sleep for a while and that helped me and gave me strength to go on. I didn’t fall asleep as fast as James did though, it took me a while as I thought about the way he was behaving. So distant, violent, acting like none us of care for him. There were two different persons in him, one in the morning, the James I’ve always known, gentle and caring and then the James that came back home in the afternoon, cranky, violent and not so caring or loving. I was lost, clueless…

I was later awaken by my boy’s scream. I got up quickly as Cullen opened his mouth to cry louder than I’ve ever heard.

“Hey…hey…” I whispered picking him up. “Calm down.” I said rocking him a bit. I felt James tossing around so I assumed Cullen’s scream had awaken him too and as Cayla was still sleeping I took Cullen away off the room to prevent another fight between me and James. I took Cullen to the kitchen and heated his bottle in the microwave, maybe he was hungry but then that didn’t seem his usual crying. I shook him a bit harder but he just had his tiny arms with closed hands up in the hair screaming at the top of his lungs. “Baby…come on…cooperate with mommy.”

I sat on a bench and held the bottle but Cullen didn’t want it. He kept on crying and I began to be a little desperate. “What’s wrong with you?” I talked to him. I massaged his belly but it didn’t work either. Checked his diaper and it was clean and he kept on crying. I held him up against my shoulder and rested my lips against his small cheek, he usually likes it but again my effort was in vain but then something else caught my attention. Cullen was too hot. “Oh…God…” I went upstairs and ran with the baby in my arms to the nursery and I searched for their thermometer that’s when James appeared at the door and I asked God for him to be calm.

“What’s wrong with him? Why is he crying that way?” He asked coming closer. James sounded calm and even worried. I looked at him in panic.

“Can you hold him?” I asked.

“Sure.” He said stretching me his arms. I gave him Cullen and began to look for the thermometer again. James picked up Cullen against his shoulder the same way I was doing. I stopped looking in the drawer for a second to look at James walking around the room with our son. “Come on little guy.” He hushed to Cullen. All of a sudden he was my James again. “Hey sweetie you’re freaking me out here.” He still hushed and I watched him confused not understanding how he’d float between humors, how he could be two different persons. I came back to my duty and searched the last drawer and found it. I was putting the batteries on it when James kissed Cullen and his eyes widened up at me in panic. “He’s so hot!” He told me.

“I know, that’s why I was searching for this.” Once it was working I approached James and put the thermometer on Cullen’s ear, when the little bell rang I read his temperature and tears assaulted my eyes.

“We have to take him to a hospital.” James said but I just stood still as tears rolled down my face in panic and worried as Cullen was just three weeks old. James got near me and as he could not hold me he just placed a kiss on my forehead.

“Calm down. It will be alright. Now get dressed. I’ll stay here with him.” I did as he said. I burst into my room picking up the first pair of jeans and sweater I could find. I put on my allstar and ran a brush through my hair. I stopped by the crib to check on Cayla but she was sleeping, I put my hand on her face just to be sure but she was normal. A last glance at the clock told me it was 5.30 am but I wasn’t concerned about that, I just wanted to get my baby boy to the hospital fast.

“I am ready.” I told him grabbing Cullen but then I remembered I had to prepare his baby bag. I needed some stuff that I always had to carry with me since I didn’t know how much time I had to spend there. Diapers and milk and bottles always had to be part of my things to take out. I put Cullen back to James’s arms and began to prepare his bag. James walked around the room with Cullen trying to calm him down but he just cried and cried.

“Please Cullen, sweetie. Calm down.” James talked to him. I knew he was extremely worried.

“Now I am ready.” I said. James gave me Cullen.

“I am going to get dressed.” He said.

“No James. You have to stay here with Cayla.” I told him. “She’s sleeping.” James ran a hand through his hair thinking.

“But I am worried about letting you go all alone with him. I am worried about him.”

“She’s too tiny to go there and she’s fine. I will call you and keep you informed.” He kissed Cullen who was on my lap and rubbed his face with his hands right after.

“God…how did this happen?” He caressed the baby’s head.

“I have to go.” I said with tears in my eyes again. James picked up the bag and walked me to the door. “Cayla must wake up soon to eat, you have bottles already prepared in the fridge. You can heat them on the microwave, around 1 minute and a half but before you give it to her test it if it’s not too hot. Ok?” He nodded hearing me. “Then change her diaper and try to put her back to sleep. You know the process…” I said as I got to the car.

“Ade, call me as soon as you know anything.” He asked. I nodded and started the engine. He checked the seat belt of Cullen’s chair one more time and then he nodded at me saying it was safe to go. I drove in tears from hearing my son’s desperation.

“Oh Cullen…” I said trying to touch him and drive at the same time.

I walked into the pediatric urgency room with Cullen screaming at the top of his lungs, I didn’t have to do anything as a nurse came for me.

“What is wrong with him?” She asked.

“I don’t know. He was fine and he was sleeping and then he woke up crying like this and I tried everything to calm him down and then I realized he was feverish. He’s just three weeks old.” I said.

“Let’s take him inside.” She said grabbing my arm so I could follow her. Another nurse followed us with a file on her hands. She grabbed a bracelet.

“What’s the baby’s name?” She asked.

“Cullen.” I answered.

“And the surname?”

“Hetfield.” The nurse raised her eyebrow at me surprised but I just didn’t bother, I just wanted my son to be alright. She put the bracelet on his tiny arm and told me to wait. As if it was easy for a mother to wait. I sat alone and desperate on the blue chair and buried my face in my hands.

It might have been five or ten minutes but it was an eternity to me. Every person that walked up in my direction I expected them to bring me some news, then my cell vibrated on my purse. “Any news?” James asked through the text. 6.30 am and he wasn’t sleeping. “Nothing.” I answered. “But is he being seen already?” He asked again. “Yes, they have taken him inside but haven’t told me anything yet.” I answered. “Call me as soon as you have some news. I love you.” He said. His last words brought tears to my eyes but I was more concerned about my boy that moment.

I began to walk in circles nervously and finally around 8 am a doctor approached me.

“He was having trouble breathing. He’s got bronchitis. It’s common in babies but as he’s too little he has to stay here in observation. We were able to make the fever come down but it raised again when the effect of the medicine faded. It’s a bit complicated.” The doctor informed. I sat back on the chair.

“Can I stay here with him?” I asked.

“Of course. He’s at the nursery if you want to see him. Unfortunately you can’t go in there until we put him and you in a room you won’t be having contact with your son. There’s the danger of his condition getting worse so he needs to be in a sterilized place for the next hours and then we’ll see.”

“Thanks.” I said following the doctor. From a glass I saw my little boy with tubes stuck on his nose. “God…” I whispered with tears in my eyes. “Is it dangerous?” I asked the doctor.

“A little bit since he’s just three weeks old and barely no defenses.” I sobbed a bit. “We are doing everything we can to stabilize him.” The doctor left me alone and I watched my baby from far.

“Oh Cullen, please get well baby.” I whimpered. I stood there for a while and then went away to call James. I went to the hospital’s balcony so I could catch fresh hair. He answered the phone at the first ring.

“Ade…” He said picking up the call.

“Hi…” I said swallowing the lump in my throat and then I just began to cry.

“Ade…” He called. “What happened?” He asked. “How’s our baby?” I took a deep breath to be able to speak.

“He’s with tubes and oxygen to help him breathe.” I said beginning to sob again. I heard James on the other side.

“Oh Christ.” He said. “And what did the doctor said?”

“He said there’s some danger because he’s too little. They are trying to stabilize him.” I explained. There was not one single sound on the other side of the line. “James…” I called.

“Yeah…” He chocked, I realized he was crying.

“He’s gonna be fine right?”

“Oh sweetie…” He sobbed and I sobbed as well. “He’s gonna be fine.” He said. “God forbids…” He choked. “I am gonna meet you as soon as I can.” He said.

“How’s Cayla?”

“She’s fine. She ate and she slept. She’s cooperating.”

“I am gonna see him now.” I said. I hung up after the goodbyes.

I stood in front of that glass for as long as I could stand and I also learned how to pray. I had never been a religious person and especially since I had lost my parents but I prayed for my baby boy. I saw the nurses coming in and out of the room. My heart jumped every time I saw one approaching Cullen but then it was put to rest right after I see everything was normal. That was a nightmare

“If you want to rest a bit in the room we have for you and your baby it is already available.” The doctor informed.

“I want to stay here.” I said.

“Being here won’t make him better. You need to rest, you’ve been standing here for hours.” The doctor pulled me gently by my arm and took me to a room. “Stay here and have some sleep. You got here the sun was not rising yet and it’s past noon.”

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes, I ended up falling asleep even if I didn’t want to.
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xlau05
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oh no, poor Cullen! he needs to be alright D:
great chapter, and it's good that James is acting normally.. at least now.

MORE! :heart:
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4everJamie
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Some Kind Of Monster
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:blink: Ohh no, poor baby boy :( I hope he will be alright soon. He will be, right??? :blink:
But I still don´t get James behavior. :rolleyes:
One minute he´s the biggest asshole ever and then again you just want to hug him to make him feel better. :rolleyes:
I wonder what´s wrong with him. :unsure:

Gimme more!! :biggrin

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Scorpion Flower
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“Ade…” I felt a hand shaking me softly and I rubbed my eyes to help me keep them open. I blinked a few times before I saw James.

“Hi.” I said sitting on the bed. He looked at me and his eyes were swollen and red, his eyelids were still wet and I assumed he had been crying not long ago. “You’ve seen him?” I asked. James sat on the edge of the bed and nodded.

“I brought you some clean clothes.” He said handing me a bag.

“Thanks” I said peaking inside the bag. “Think I can take a shower.” I told him getting up. “I don’t know how he’s doing right now.”

“The same.” He said still looking down. “I talked to the doctor, he’s the same.” His lips trembled and he took his hand back to his eyes.

“And Cayla?” I asked seeing he didn’t bring our girl with him.

“I asked Katty to look after her. She’s at our house.” He explained. Katty was the godmother of both babies.

“Then she’s fine.” I said. I began to walk to the bathroom but then I looked back at him and didn’t resist to hug him.

“He’s just so tiny…” He said.

“We have to be strong.” I told him caressing him and James nodded but the sadness in his eyes was overwhelming. After finishing my shower I came back to him. He was watching out at the window with his hands shoved in his pockets.

“Have you eaten anything?” He asked feeling my presence and turning around. I shook my head and he walked up to me. “Come on then.” He said stretching me his hand. I hesitated as I remembered his behavior lately. “Come on…” He insisted, I took his hand in mine. I was still confused by him but then we had to be together at that moment and he was there. James began to walk towards the cafeteria and we sat at a table. We order two cheese burgers with fries and coke. I wanted to question James and try to find out what was happening to him but he looked drained, well, we were both drained and then he spoke first.

“Oh, someone of the catering was there to ask something about the food we’re serving in our wedding.” He said. Suddenly it came up to my mind I was marrying him in two weeks only I was not sure anymore who I was marrying to.

“What did you say?”

“I found the list we made the other day and I gave it to them. It was that right?” I nodded. “Also someone at the agency called asking if we had chosen the rings?”

“James…” I began “Do you still want to get married?” He stood still looking at me.

“What question is that? Of course I do!” He said grabbing my hand. I shook my head thinking.

“You’ve been so weird…I don’t know…” He let go of my hand instantly.

“I’ve been stressed that’s all.” As the girl brought our food the subject was interrupted. I saw he got nervous and we ate in silence, coming back to the nursery room right after where we could see our son through the glass. The doctor was with him and my heart raced. James squeezed my hand and we looked at each other then the doctor came to us. He stood in front of us with his hands on his back and he looked concerned, my eyes watered as I anticipated the news.

“The fever is back.” He began. I felt my knees getting weaker and James grabbed me against his body. I felt his hands shaking around my shoulder. “He got a little worse. I am sorry. We’re trying to do everything we can.” With that the doctor turned his back on us and we were left with our despair. I buried my face in James’s chest sobbing and he held me really close crying too. We stood there for a while crying and helpless, there was only one thing that came up to my mind.

“I wanna go to the chapel.” I told him straying. “I want to pray.” He nodded and we walked in there together and to my surprise he kneeled by my side and closed eyes. He prayed and I prayed. I knew none of us were religious but I was so powerless to help my baby that I’d go for anything and I needed strength. I closed my eyes and I prayed again. I didn’t know to say the prayers but I remembered my mother telling me that sometimes we just have to talk to God and he would listen. I needed Him to listen to me, I needed Him to save my baby boy. I asked him not to take another person from me. I was silent and concentrated on my pleading when James’s voice made me open my eyes.

“You can’t take him from me.” He said out loud. James got up and walked up to the statue in front of us. “Haven’t you had enough? Uh? What have we done to deserve this?” I got up and walked up to him. I put my hand on his shoulder.

“James …” I called him. He turned around to look at me with his face covered in tears.

“He has taken so much from us!” He shouted then he turned again. “You have left us alone when we were kids. Isn’t that enough as a punishment? You left us alone, took my mother and her parents, Leave us alone now!! You won’t take my kid you fucker…No…” I held onto his waist from the behind and he turned around to surrounded me with his arms too. “He can’t take him away from us Ade. He can’t.” He sobbed.

“Baby…” I cried. There was still so much hurt and rage inside of him. There were still demons, so much trouble in his soul. “Our boy is strong.” I whispered. “We need to have faith, he will be fine.” James let go of me and left me alone in the church. I guess he was surprised by his own rant and wanted to be alone for a while. I stood there. I just sat in that silence and stayed there staring at nothing with a blank mind. I came back to the room a while later finding James sat on the couch with his elbows leaning on his knees and his head bent down. I sat by his side and tapped his back. That moment all my rage was gone. I was not mad at him maybe just hurt.

“Any news?” I asked him. He just shook his head.

“This is killing me.” He whispered. “I just want him to be alright.” He raised his head and looked at me, I couldn’t resist and ran a hand through his hair.

“What’s wrong with you James?” He began to shake his head like telling me not to go there. “I need to understand…” I insisted. “I need to understand how there’s two versions of you, one so sweet and the other so nasty. I don’t get it.” I told him.

“Please Ade…” He begged me.

“Is there another woman?” I asked.

“No! There’s no other woman.” He said getting up.

“Then what is it? Help me understand. Talk to me…” James walked around the room nervous. He ran a hand through is hair and scratched the back of his neck. I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulders. “You know you can talk to me about anything.” James shook my hands away.

“There is nothing.” He shouted again with tears in his eyes. “Stop pressuring me.”

“What are you hiding?” I insisted. I knew there was something. His tears rolled down his face letting me know I was right only he didn’t want to tell. “James…” I called him. “Talk to me. You can tell me anything.”

“I don’t have anything to tell you. I am just tired, that’s all.”

“You leave the studio to have lunch and you don’t come back you also don’t come home and when you do, you’re so different. You’re mean to us…I know there’s something wrong.”

“For the last time Ade, just let me be.” He begged me.

“Every time I bring this subject up you cry.” I stated the obvious.

“Just stop this Ade.” He said. “Please stop.”

I stopped. I walked out of the room and went to check on my baby again. I saw a nurse coming out of the room and I talked to her.

“How’s he?” I asked trembling.

“He’s having a hard time to breathe but he’s a strong baby. He’s fighting.” She smiled tapping my arm. I stood against the glass watching him in there all alone. Million thoughts running through my mind, was he hungry? Was he cold? I looked at my boy fighting and I cried against the glass one more time. I was crying because of him, because of his father…I cried for both. James joined me a while later standing by my side, he put he arm around me and pulled me to him, kissing the top of my head.

“I am sorry for everything.” He said. “I am so sorry. I love you so much and I love them so much and I always fuck things up.”

“You’ve been so distant.” I looked at him and James couldn’t look me in the eye so he strayed his gaze. “I don’t know what is going on but you’ve been putting us aside. You’ve been acting like we don’t care. I want to help you but if you don’t talk to me then I won’t be able to do so.”

“Don’t worry about me now, we have to worry about him.” He said leaning one hand against the glass while he watched Cullen then he punched the window. “I can’t take this…I can’t stand to see him there. How did this happen? Why us?” I understood his despair, I had asked myself those same questions since I had gotten to that hospital.

“I also wonder what I did wrong? Was it something I did wrong that cause him arm?” I said. James looked at me and shook his head cupping my face between his hands, there he looked in my eye.

“You did nothing wrong. You are an excellent mother. You did nothing wrong.” He reassured. I saw James raising his eyes and looked back. Lars and Connie were approaching us. Lars bear hugged James and Connie greeted me.

“How are you guys?” Lars asked.

“With our heart beating on our hands. He got worse this afternoon.” James explained.

“Oh Fuck man. I am so sorry, hang in there you two.”

“Oh Ade…” Connie rubbed my arm in support.

“He’s gonna be fine. I know he is.”

“I am living a fucking a nightmare.” James whispered.

“I can imagine.” Said Connie. “You two need to be strong and you can count on us for anything. Where’s Cayla?” She asked.

“She’s at home with Katy.” I said. “By the way James you should get going, it’s getting late.” I told him. James nodded and looked back at Cullen. “I’ll call you if I have any news.” James lips trembled and Lars tapped his back.

“Come on man.” Lars told him. “It will be alright.”

“I just hope so…I can only hope so…”

“Do you need anything?” Connie asked me.

“I am fine.” I said.

“She needs to eat.” James commented. “You guys please make sure she’ll eat.” He said shaking Lars hand and kissing Connie goodbye. “I am sorry I have to leave but Cayla needs me there.” He excused himself. James kissed me at last. “Be strong.” He whispered resting his forehead against mine, then he brought his lips to my year. “I love you don’t ever doubt that.” He wrapped his arms around me and still hushed in my ear. “I know I am an idiot but you are the most important thing in my life together with my kids and of course ours are included.” I held him close.

“Ok.” I told him touched by his words.

“Do you love me?” He still hushed.

“Yes.” I hushed back.

“I love you Ade, always remember that.” Still hushing in my ear as to make our little conversation private Then he just left. Lars put an arm around my waist and smiled.

“Come on, let’s go relax a bit.” He said taking me away from there. I spent quite some time with them. They were great friends and kept me company until late that evening, until they had to come back home. I went to my room and laid in bed, around midnight my cell rang and I saw Katy’s number.

“Hi Katy.” I told her.

“I am sorry to be calling you at the hospital but can you ask James to come home. I need to go home.” She said. I went silent in shock.

“He isn’t home?” I asked her. I knew exactly what she had told me but you know when you ask the same thing again just to be sure even though you are sure.

“No. I tried his cell but is dead so I called you. How are you by the way?”

“I am a wreck but trying not break. James is not here Katy, he left a couple of hours ago to go home. I am gonna try to reach him. I am so sorry.”

“It’s ok Ade. I’ll wait.” She said. I hung up with my hands shaking and pressed dialed the minute I found his number. It was dead. I threw myself back worried. There he was again, disappearing. I called Katy.

“Katy, it’s me again. He’s phone is dead. Can I ask you this huge favor?”

“Of course Ade!”

“Text me when he gets home. Call Phil to meet you there and I am so sorry for this. Look, if James get home really late don’t let him get too close to Cayla ok?”

“What?” Katy asked surprised.

“I can’t explain right now but I will explain when I have some time and peace of mind.” I told her.

“Ok…” Katy said a bit shocked.

“Other thing…” I said. “Can you please text me when he gets home? If it’s not too late and you’re awake of course.”

“Is something wrong between the two of you?”

“Kind of…” I was evasive.

“I will text you.” She said.

“Thank you for taking care of my daughter.” I said.

“You don’t have to thank me Ade.”

“Yes I do. You’re taking care of her when her father should be doing it.” I snapped. Katy went silent and I just told her goodbye. I laid in bed unable to sleep and around 4 am Katy texted me saying James got home. Once again…he forgot all about us.
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xlau05
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“You can’t take him from me.” He said out loud. James got up and walked up to the statue in front of us. “Haven’t you had enough? Uh? What have we done to deserve this?” I got up and walked up to him. I put my hand on his shoulder.

“James …” I called him. He turned around to look at me with his face covered in tears.

“He has taken so much from us!” He shouted then he turned again. “You have left us alone when we were kids. Isn’t that enough as a punishment? You left us alone, took my mother and her parents, Leave us alone now!! You won’t take my kid you fucker…No…” I held onto his waist from the behind and he turned around to surrounded me with his arms too. “He can’t take him away from us Ade. He can’t.” He sobbed.




that part... :( :(
I REALLY hope that Cullen will get better.. he's so tiny.. he needs to stay strong.
I just can't believe that James didn't got home :blink: I mean where the fuck he was? :angry
Jamessss :bat


More please!!!!! :heart:
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4everJamie
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Ohhh Posted Image what an emotional chapter this had been.
Poor them :( At least Ade has a good friend she can rely on.
And James?? Posted Image
I hope he will find soneone who he can confide to...because obviously he don´t want to tell his fiancee what´s wrong. :angry
Good job, moron! Posted Image
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Izzy
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what the fuck's up with James!! :angry he'd better not be drinking, or worse, cheating...again! :angry :horse

I hope Cullen gets better!
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Hawkeye
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OMG, I hope poor Cullen gets better soon! It's hard having a baby sick and in the hospital, I can't imagine doing it with another one healthy and at home! And WTF is up with James...I hope he's not drinking again!? Can't wait for the next update!
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Scorpion Flower
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Thank you so much... :heart: :heart:

Hope you like it and please don't kill me... :lol:

*************************************

When I woke up around 10 am I washed my face and went straightly to see my boy. He was still the same and the doctor said that he didn’t get better but he also didn’t get worse. I didn’t know what to think, what is good or bad? I watched him for a while from far, so innocent, so little and defenseless and still fighting to live. My cell vibrated inside the back pocket of my jeans, Katy letting me know James was asleep and that Cayla was alright. They had taken her for a walk. She was indeed my best friend. I looked at Cullen one more time and then decided I would go home.

There was nothing I could do in there to help him but wait and I wanted to have a proper shower, so I thought to step by home to change, have a shower and talk to James. I was going to give it another try. I drove thinking about the way I would pull out the subject again. I thought about a dozen ways of asking him again what was wrong with him but then none of them seemed efficient enough or good enough, after all, I had been asking him every day and every day he says it’s nothing. Clearly it was something, something he didn’t want to tell me. Something that made him cry because he’d get tears in his eyes every time we talked about it. I thought about what the possibilities could have been but none were conclusive. Women had been my best shot but then the comfortable way he denied it put that chance aside. I thought and thought but nothing turns out as you think.

When I entered the door of my house everything was silent and I felt my anger taking advantage. I ran upstairs to our room ready to kick his ass but when I opened the door I found him sleeping still dressed…I stood still watching him for seconds. He was laid on his stomach completely crashed on the bed. Not even with a pillow under his head, not even a cover over his body and still with his shoes on. Another possibility simply clicked on my mind. I looked at him in horror, shocked and with tears in my eyes.

“Oh God…” I whispered running a hand through my hair. I decided to let him sleep for a while longer. He was so passed out that he didn’t even move despite the noise I was making in the room choosing something to wear. The noise of the drawers and doors of the closed opening and closing weren’t enough not even to make him blink an eye. I took the clean clothes to the bathroom and ran the water, when it was warm enough I put myself under it with a million thoughts running through my mind. “Oh James…” I whispered all alone. My heart was beating a mile per second and my mind racing in anticipation. I closed the water and began to dry myself just as the same time James burst into the bathroom and kneeled on the toilet.

He didn’t feel my presence and his vomits took all of his full attention. I stood still watching him heaving and puking stuck with his head on the toilet. Everything was just getting so clear and I almost didn’t need his words. His vomits subsided but he kept kneeled on the floor and I saw his shoulders shaking.

“Oh fuck…” He mumbled leaning his elbows on the toilet with is hands on the back of his head. I kept on drying myself quietly. He was with his back turned to me and his shoulders were still shaking. He was crying, probably with guilt.

“Do you need some tea?” I broke the silence. James raised his head but didn’t turn around immediately, I guess he needed some time to process the fact that he wasn’t alone in there. He took his hand to his face and cleaned his tears then he just got up and looked at me. His eyes bloodshot, swollen, he looked terrible and out of words to tell me. “Do you need anything?” I asked again, despite all I was calm. Socked but calm.

“You’re here.” He said.

“Yes. I am here.” I told him.

“How’s Cullen?” He asked while washing his face on the basin.

“The same.” I said watching him. James winced a bit and took a hand to his head. “Where were you last night?” I asked him while I began to get dressed. James went silent and leaned against the basin looking at me. “Don’t tell me you were around because around is not a good answer.” I said but I was not even aggressive.

“I…” He began. “I needed to be alone for a while. Everything that is happening is just crushing me.” He said but his tone was not showing confidence on his words. “Do you have an aspirin Ade?” He said taking his hand again to his head.

“In the first drawer.” I said pointing at the armoire. James took a pill off the bottle, opened the knob, cupped some water wit his hand and swallowed the pill.

“I think I’ll have the tea.” He told me. I nodded and went to the kitchen followed by him. He sat on a bench while watching me brewing a pot of tea. “Where’s Cayla?” He asked me.

“Katy took her for a walk.” I explained without looking back. I felt my eyes burning with tears just when he came behind me and wrapped his arms around me, burying his nose on my hair.

“Don’t cry.” He whispered.

“I am waiting for you to say it James.” I told him not even bothering to shake him away from me.

“No…” He said choking. “Don’t do this.” James understood I had realized what was going on with him. He let go of me and I handed him his cup of tea, grabbing one for myself. While he sat back on the bench I sat on the counter.

“Now everything makes sense. I didn’t understand how you could be so different. I thought about a zillion possibilities…” I said looking at him. “James…talk to me. Say something!”

“What do you want me to tell you? That I fucked up big time?” He found the courage to look at me in the eye. His blue eyes filled with water. “I fucked up again…I always do.” He said with his voice failing.

“Why? I mean… I don’t understand.”

“It’s not you or our babies or anything related to us. It’s me, my bullshit…things got so messed up in my head. I got stressed and then…” He sighed not finishing it. This was being harder for him to talk to than when he had cheated me.

“How does it feel to be hangover after all these years?” I asked sarcastly. The look of regret he gave me made me regret the next second my stupid question. James got up and stood right in front of me. We looked at each other for a while and then we both began to cry then he cupped my face between his hands and rested his forehead against mine. “Was it something I did? Aren’t you happy?” I asked him. I couldn’t stop thinking I was the one failing him. I didn’t pay enough attention to him. I should have seen the signals before he got that path.

“Ade…” He said closing his eyes. I ran a hand through his hair. “I love you Ade, don’t think that I don’t. I am the big idiot here, you did nothing wrong. I got tired because of the lack of sleep and then I don’t know, it happened fast. When I realized…”

“Isn’t enough to have our baby boy in the hospital and now this. Do you think I can cope with all this shit? I think I am walking on thin ice here. I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. I don’t know if I am this strong. I want to help you…I just don’t know if I am capable to.”

“Don’t walk out on me Ade.” He pleaded kissing my lips. “Don’t go away babe. I need you, now more than ever.”

“You have to stop.” I whispered. “You have to stop this James. You’re gonna destroy yourself and us around you. We’re getting married, think of that. Think that you can’t drag me down with you. Think that we need you healthy, clean and strong. I can’t be their mother and their father at the same time. I need you to support me. Please babe…”

“Just don’t tell anyone.” He asked me nodding. “I don’t want anyone to know how weak I am.” I pulled him to me in a hug. I should be kicking his ass and probably packing my things but instead I stayed there with him, trying to understand what led him on that road again. I couldn’t just leave him…he was the father of my kids, he rescued me when I needed him. He was human, he slipped…

“I won’t.” I whispered tapping his head. “Was it the fact that I haven’t been giving you enough attention? I mean, the babies were born and I am always so occupied…” He strayed a bit to look in my eyes.

“I felt lonely all of a sudden…” He said. “But I am not blaming you, now way…I told you once I was not cured, there you go…I am so weak!” I grabbed his face between my hands and kissed his lips.

“Don’t say that. We’re gonna get through this ok? It’s another fight. I love you.”

“It’s one hell of a fight Ade.”

“I don’t care. I just want you to be alright.” He pulled me to him in another hug and I felt him crying again. It was just too overwhelming and I joined him in the crying. We cried for a while in silence holding onto each other. Holding on for our lives. Then he glued his lips near my ear.

“Make love to me Ade. I need to feel you. I need you to love me.” He begged. With my face filled with tears rolling down I kissed his lips softly. “Love me…” He whispered when my lips parted from his. I cleaned his tears away and met his lips again. I kissed him softly and patiently until his lips parted so he could deepen the kiss. His hands met my hips and his grip got tighter in there, pulling me to him in a urge. His lips roamed in my neck sending shivers through my spine.

“We’re in the kitchen.” I told him.

“So?” He said meeting my lips and kissing them.

“So, Katy might come in.” He put his arms around my waist and raised me off the counter carrying me upstairs. He kissed me hungrily while climbing the stairs and when we reached the door of our bedroom he lowered me a bit so my hand could open the door then he just kicked it open and kicked it again shut, tossing me on bed the next second. Before he crawled on top of me he took his shirt off and then he undid mine. I felt his fingers tremble a bit like it was the first time we were doing such thing but I guess our emotions were just running high.

His hands burned on my skin the next minute and paused on my breasts then he lowered his head and caught a nipple between his lips, playing with it with the tip of his tongue. My fingers tangled on his hair pulling him to me even more. Then he kissed his way up until he found my lips again. I ran my hands up and down his back while our tongues played together. We kissed slow, James slowed the pace of the kiss turning it into a slow motion dance but sweet and caring. He tasted my lips countless times, clouding my senses in a good way.

“Turn around.” I asked him to roll on the bed. “You asked me to love you.” I said straddling him. “And that’s what I am going to do.” I said. It was my turn to roam my hands on his skin, to kiss him all around and to kiss his lips with the same passion and love. He began to thrust from underneath me and I answered to his teasing game. I began to rock my hips.

“Oh baby…” He moaned. His lips so swollen and asking to be kissed. I couldn’t resist. I kissed him again and his hands cupped my face lightly but the tender gesture made moan against his mouth. “Take off your jeans Ade.” He asked breaking the kiss. I stood up and pulled them off and he didn’t want to wait for me to undo his, he did it himself. He laid back on bed ready to receive me but instead I stroked him gently with my hand. “Oooh…” He moaned raising his hips a bit. “Good…” He said. I decided to extend his pleasure and locked my lips around his arousal. I began to work on him. “Sweetie…” He gasped. I couldn’t see his face as he was laid down but I’d bet he would be with his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted and his face would be a little flushed. I kept on working on him until his hands pulled me up. James sat on the bed and stretched me his hand. When I took it, his fingers entwined with mine and he gently pulled me down. I knew what he wanted.

Without breaking eye contact I slowly sat on him feeling every inch of him ripping my insides apart in a good way that is.

“Look at me.” He asked me and as I began to move our eyes met. I put my arms around his neck and he clutched on my hips helping me move on him. “Thank you for loving me.” James said in between moans and that crushed me. I looked at his eyes filled with tears and my own began to cry.

“I love you.” I said kissing his lips. And there we were making love to each other and crying. I felt that burning sensation in my belly and that devastating sensation between my legs. I arched my body and rolled my eyes feeling me get to the peak. James threw me back making me crash with my back on the bed and he took charge.

“Oh god…” I moaned as he thrust harder and harder losing his mind and thrusting senseless.

“Fuck…” He groaned as he felt me tighter and tighter. “Oh Ade…” He moaned. “That’ll be fine baby…that’ll be just fine…”

“Yes…” I groaned as I felt me peak, my body arched as I gripped onto the sheets and I quivered under him. James followed me the next second. With two deep thrusts I saw his face and neck flush red and he jerked as he released inside of me. He thrust until he was fully satisfied and the lasts flashes of energy disappeared from his body then he collapsed on top of me kissing me deadly. His tongue danced with mine and as he was still inside of me and I was still aroused I began, unexpectedly, to build up again. James felt it and thrust into me slowly and there I exploded one more time with so little.

“You have got to be kidding me.” He laughed looking me. I hid my face with my hands but he took them away. “A kiss that came with a bonus.” He kissed the tip of my nose. I ran a hand through his face.

“Promise me you won’t drink again?” I asked him.

“I promise.” He said.

“How did you get home last night? You were sleeping with your clothes.”

“I don’t remember getting home.” He said not able to look me in the eye.

“Baby…please you need to stop this.”

“I know.”

“We need to go to the hospital. Our baby might need us there.” James got up and gave me his hand.

“Shower?” He asked.

“Yeah...I could use another one.” I said.

I found James a little distant while he washed himself under the water. He was just there quiet.

“What is it?” I asked him.

“Our boy…he needs to be fine. He needs to be alright.” He said. “I am in agony…”

“I know. I have been praying. I can’t explain how bad I feel and sad and powerless.”

“Our boy must live Ade. I won’t take if he doesn’t. No one can take him away from us.”

“No one is going to take him from us.” I said kissing him. “No one.”
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4everJamie
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:tu: Read and enjoyed, but no comment Posted Image

still try to recover from this Posted Image
:o




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