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How We Became Fire; James short story
Topic Started: September 2, 2010, 5:12 am (19,008 Views)
xlau05
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Blackened
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Im back! :D
great chapters! both of them :biggrin it's good to see James progress and get better.
hope everything's gonna be fine now :tu:
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Scorpion Flower
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And today it goes like this:)

**************************

We left early in the morning, right after the babies’ first bottle. They were still awake when we began our drive, as this one was longer. It would take us about 4 hours to get there and it would be easier to fly but the twins were still too young to go on a plane. Much to our surprise they were rather happy and not sulking, they were smiley and playing with their feet along the way, I guess the pacifier also helped.

“Glad they are not crying or anything.” James said holding the steer wheel with one hand and turning the radio on and adjusting the sound to babies ears.

“They will sleep in a bit.” I said. He grabbed my hand and kissed the tip of my fingers.

“Happy you’re going to your house?” He asked.

“In some way yes but my house is the one I have in San Francisco now. That’s were I live with my family.”

“I know but I know how much you love it down there.”

“Well, I miss it, I can’t deny it. I love the house, that’s why I never sold it.” I explained.

“I called my sponsor when you were getting the kids ready.” He told me. I looked at him expecting him to continue. “I told him we were going to LA today and he wanted me to visit him as soon as I got there but I told him that we could have the rest of the day for us and have a rest and then tomorrow we would go.”

“If you want to go there today, I am ok with that.” James shook his head.

“No Ade. When we get there it’s gonna be past half of the afternoon. We get home, we go to the beach with the babies, have fun, relax, maybe go out for dinner if we feel like it and if the babies are in good mood to let us go…” He laughed. “Then tomorrow we will go.”

“Ok babe. It’s your call.” I said agreeing to whatever he wanted to do, this was his thing and he had to do it at his own pace. I trusted him now, I had seen him trying hard to get things better, I had seen him hallucinating in pain, I had to trust him.

We stopped with half of the way made to have lunch. I asked the waitress to heat the twins’ soup and we gave it to them while we were waiting for our food. It was faster when James could help me. I saw a couple of people watching us curious, I guess some people never get used to the fact that out of his rockstar world James has a family and is a regular guy, just like any other husband and any other father, he’s loving and caring with his children, he plays and takes care of them when he has to. Most people forget that to us he is far from being the Metallica front man, to us he meant much more, he meant love and affection.

After lunch we continued our journey. Cayla and Cullen sucked franticly on their pacifier and played with a diaper until they fell asleep and finally 2 hours later the brown gate of my house opened and we parked the car. When I got out of it and felt the scent of the sea, I opened a huge smile.

“What?” James protested seeing my smile. “We also have a beach near our house!”

“But the smell is different. “ I said inhaling. “I was born here, I grew up here. This land is filled with my life, or part of it…” I said as my eyes hit him and them I peeked at my babies still, incredibly, sleeping inside the car.

“Ah…I thought we didn’t matter…” He said pretending he was pouting making me laugh. “Really, you have been living up there for almost two years and you still miss LA so much, I wish I could feel about your homeland as you do but I just can’t.”

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I didn’t have a choice but to stay here, I was alone in the world, I sure wasn’t going anywhere. Last thing they could take from me was what was left of my world and that was my city, the things I knew.”

“I understand. Let’s go inside?” He suggested and I nodded. We took the babies off the car and carried them inside. I began to open the windows to let the house breathe a bit while James began to bring our suitcases inside. He knew the house well, we had been there many times so he took our stuff upstairs to the room. Just like the cabin the up floor was an open space, only my room was just huge.

“Ade do you want me to open their bed already?” He shouted from upstairs.

“Yes please. Find a nice spot for it.” I shouted back. Unlike the cabin, my room had enough space to put the twins’ bed. They were sleeping on the stroller and I opened the large window that led me to my deck. I put the lounge chairs and the table outside and I immediately laid on one. I remembered in five seconds, when I was single and still live in there all alone, how I used to love to be there alone and read a book or sometimes just lying there and do nothing at all. Then I looked at my babies sleeping peacefully by my side and smiled, yes I missed all that but not enough to wish I could turn back time to where they didn’t exist, to where their father wasn’t still part of my life. What I had now was so much bigger and more important. Then another thought occurred to my mind, the last times I had been lying there I was already in love with their father and struggling with my feelings. I remembered the time I was there wondering why I was missing him so much during a week we had off tour and then how I struggled weather I should call him or not and then I ended up calling him, and James was just trying to win me, I smiled at these memories…

“Smiling all alone?” His soft tone voice made open my eyes and he laid on the chair by my side, pulling his shirt off.

“Just silly stuff.” I said.

“Wanna tell me?” He insisted.

“Yeah…I was just remembering how I loved my solitude and come here and lay catching a bit of sun and then I saw our kids and it crossed my mind that as much as I loved my solitude I love you three much more and then solitude doesn’t make much sense. I can’t imagine my life now without any of you in it and finally I also remembered that one of the last times I laid on this spot all alone in this house was that time we had a week off tour and you were asking me out and stuff and I was trying to figure out why I missed you so much. That’s why I was smiling…” I smiled again and James did too. I guess he took a trip back in time as well as his eyes all of a sudden turned to our babies and then back at me again and his face was one of a overwhelmed person.

“And look at us now…married… two kids.” He said.

“But I love what I have with you, we‘ve built a life together and I never thought I was capable of doing that. Having a family...” I told him.

“You were afraid so you blocked a lot of feelings.”

“And you unblocked them.” I giggled. James rolled his eyes and puffed.

“Yeah…” He puffed again. “But you were tough…it was not an easy task.”

“I was so confused James.” I laughed. “First we met in damn London and I never thought I’d see you again.” I said. James laughed loud remembering London.

“London…” He said. “Oh fuck…” He laughed loud making me laugh too.

“Yeah…and I never expected to see you again and then that meeting happened and when I saw you…” James interrupted me clearly enjoying our moment.

“Oh Ade…that meeting was a riot…” He laughed. “I really didn’t want you to go on tour with us but then you provoked me and I ended up making you go. I was afraid of being near you.”

“Afraid of not resisting me?” I teased him. He laid on his side looking at me and his face became tender.

“Clearly I didn’t resist, did I?” I bent over him and kissed his lips.

“I was also afraid of being near you but I guess you knew that all the time, you used that fear so many times.”

“I wanted you so much all the time.” He confessed. “I was scared of the things you made me feel so I tried to piss you off so you could piss me off and I could keep you away.” His explanation made me hoot with laughter.

“Hetfield’s philosophy.” I joked. “Oh, sweetie, you are amazing.” I let out as my laugh subsided.

“No really but then that didn’t work because I kept on wanting you more and more so then I decided to apologize and ask you out, the rest you know…”

“You were in love with me already.” I acknowledged.

“All the time. I couldn’t go against that, your head says no but then your heart says yes and you were there every day so there was not a way I could ignore it and I am glad I didn’t ignore it because after all you were in love with me too, you just didn’t know how to deal with that.”

“You’re so vain!” I tapped him. He grabbed my hand laughing preventing me to tap him again.

“You were Ade, I could see that, you just didn’t know how to deal with that.”

“Probably you are right. It doesn’t matter now, it’s been two years since then.”

“I am right.” He grinned making me laugh.

“Bring the stroller closer to the shadow, the sun is getting low.” I asked him seeing the babies were catching a few rays of light.

“They are sleeping a lot.” He commented.

“I guess they are tired.” I said watching my kids. They were so perfect. Looking at them made me realize they were the most perfect thing I have ever done in my life. The sooner James speak the sooner they’d wake up. Cullen began to blink his eyes not being able to keep them open as he was trying to get used to the day light. We laughed watching him.

“Hey buddy…” James said shaking his little foot. “Open your eyes come on.” He laughed more and Cullen took his little hands to his eyes rubbing them, then he didn’t resist to take Cullen off the stroller. He kissed our boy before leaning him against his chest and finally he opened his eyes, shooting James his cute baby smile, James smiled back and kissed him again. “Nice nap, uh?” He baby talked, as usual Cullen grabbed his nose.

“Dah.” Cullen blurted.

“Yes, Dada…” James told him. “Say dada.” He insisted making me giggle.

“Sweetie they are too young for that yet.” I said.

“I know! But the sooner I teach them the better they become familiar with the word. Cullen looked at me and smiled.

“Hi baby.” I told him stretching him out my hand and Cullen grabbed one of my fingers. Cullen looked up at James.

“Where’s mommy Cullen?” James asked him. Cullen looked at him attentively and James insisted. “Where’s mommy Cullen?” Cullen then turned his face at me making us laugh. “He knows already.” James said enthusiastic.

“I guess it was a coincidence.” I said but it sure was a wonderful feeling seeing my boy reacting that way to his mother, I guess I had for the first time the feeling that he actually knew who his mother was. “Where’s daddy baby?” I asked him to test him, Cullen looked up at James and there we were sure that he could already identify us as his mom and dad. “Oh my God…” I said. James kissed him again proud too.

“Wanna go out for dinner Ade?” He asked me after.

“Do you?”

“Yeah…let’s go out a bit.”

“Ok.” I am going to take a shower then and change. Will you look after them.”

“Do I have a choice?” He laughed. I smiled and turned my back on him but he called me. “Ade… put on something nice.” I nodded getting his message, somehow James wanted to go somewhere fancy.

I put on a black strapless dress and black high heels sandals. My makeup was natural and I ended with some drops of perfume. I put on my diamond earrings and necklace and I was ready.

“I am ready.” I said coming back downstairs. James whistled getting up from the couch and kissing me.

“Babe…Wow!” He exclaimed.

“You said to put on something nice.” I winked. “Now go get dressed yourself and I’ll get the babies ready.” While I changed the twins’ and got them dressed, James took a shower and changed. He met me in the living room dressed in black, well dressed, smelling incredibly good and his hair fixed with gel.

“Not looking bad yourself.” I said playful and kissing him.

“I know you and that way of kissing me.” He teased me resting his hand on my ass and squeezing it a bit making me yelp. “We better stop this if we want to eat.” He said pecking me.

We grabbed the babies and took them to the car and then I let James drive, after all he knew the city as much as I did. I realized, after leaving the sunset boulevard that he was driving us to Beverly Hill, nothing fancier existed in LA. He parked in front of Danube, one of the most elegant restaurants around town and gave the keys of our car to the door man. I imagined the place would have paparazzi somewhere but I guess that night James really wanted to be the rockstar out with his family but still he asked for a table in a quiet area. Again the babies sucked their bottle while we were waiting for out Steaks au Poivre but there, there were not much eyes on us because it was not the place most people could afford to go.

“We didn’t have to be here.” I told him.

“Why not? Sometimes we have to do something different.” He said.

“Well…yeah…” I agreed.

We had a wonderful night. The twins were quiet and we could sit and eat and talk peacefully. My husband was coming back to me bit by bit and I was loving spending time with him again. I found out I was falling in love with him all over again. I loved the way how my heart raced when he smiled or how he gave me the goose bumps when he held my hand, after touching and pecks here and there I just wanted to be alone with him, plus the babies fell asleep in the stroller and my heart ached seeing my children sleeping there.

“Let’s go home.” I said pointing at them and then I winked at him.

“Yeah…they are sleeping already it’s past midnight, what kind of parents are we?” He said caressing them. James asked for the bill and then we left. The doorman brought our car and we left home. James took the longest way though, we took the road by the sea and since the babies were comfortable inside the car, he stopped by a cliff where we could see the beach and some part of the town. James grabbed me from behind and kissed my shoulder.

“I am loving being away from everything and just being with you.” He said. “Despite the reasons that is…”

“I confess I am too. Sometimes it is good to have you just to myself. You haven’t said you loved me yet.” I told him. He took his hands to my shoulders and turned me around to him smiling. He brought his face closer to mine and whispered.

“I love you.” I took a hand to his face and rested it there.

“And I love you.” I kissed his lips. His hands pulled me closer to him and he pressed his lips against mine firmly, mine parted and his tongue invaded my mouth searching for mine. I wrapped my arms around is neck enjoying the moment and then pulled away gently. “Take me home.” I whispered in his ear.

“Why?” He asked playing.

“Because I want to make love to you and I can’t do it here.” I said resting my forehead against his. James pecked me and grabbed my hand walking back to the car.
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xlau05
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Blackened
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what a great long chapter! :biggrin those two are meant to be together :heart:

thanks for the update :)
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4everJamie
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Thank you for this beautiful chapter!!
James & Ade....They are meant for each other! Posted Image

:tu:
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Izzy
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Awesome update!! :tu: :heart:
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kamri39
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Yeah, they're so in love! They were meant to be together. And James is a great dad!
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Lilith
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Hey! :wavey

Just caught up! This is a great story! :) I've enjoy many many moments... Still lmao at the 'worst fuck ever'

And gotta say James + babies= :drool :drool :drool Makes my womb long for another child, lol! :P Is ADORABLE!!

Great work here! :tu:

Waiting to see what happens in the next part... :biggrin
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Scorpion Flower
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Lilith, as I told you already...Welcome and it's a true pleasure having you reading this:)

To all the resident readers, thank you so much.

********************

We laid our kids in bed and James began to get undressed, sliding in the sheets after putting his clothes on the chair. I took another look at the babies to cover them and when I turned to look at James again he had his boxers hanged on his index finger and was smiling at me. “I am waiting for you.” He shot. My body shook a bit as I realized he was naked under the covers but I pretended to be relaxed and walked to the bathroom at a regular pace. I came back after taking my makeup off and brushing my teeth. James was laid on his back waiting and smiled when he saw me. I stood at the edge of the bed taking my clothes slowly off.

I saw him adjusting his pillow under his head and put his hands on the back of it while his eyes sparkled waiting for me to give him the show. Playfully I shook my hips a bit as if I was dancing, he bit his lower lip showing me my sensual moves were pleasuring him. I opened the zipper of my dress bouncing my hips from one side to another and then I let it fall down my feet standing just in my red lace see-through lingerie. That was a surprise to him as it was new, I saw his eyes double size and something growing under the sheets immediately. I winked him an eye and turned around so he could fully acknowledge my thong, still bouncing my hips sexily I took my hands to my bra and unclasped it, looking at him above my shoulder, I winked at him and then turned around again so his eyes could delight with the sight of my breasts. His expression was not one of a relaxed person anymore. His eyes were darker, his lips a bit swollen and slightly parted. His chest was coming up and down as he gasped and then I realized his hand under the sheets, that turned me on onto another level.

“Naughty boy, what are you doing under the sheets?” I asked him smiling. He took his hand back and smiled at me.

“Enjoying your show.” He answered with a husky voice and not a trace of shame. I liked that we were so opened.

“Leave something for me!” I exclaimed making him release a soft laughter. I turned around again and bent parting my legs a bit, offering a privileged view of my butt but I always kept looking at him. I ran a hand over it teasing him and I saw him rolling his eyes, then I touched myself over the fabric of my thong and moaned a bit to stir things even more. James jumped on bed and crawled until he reached me.

“Are you trying to kill me?” He whispered and running his tongue in one of my buttocks right after. “You will moan alright…” He said kissing my back as he stood on his knees on the bed. His hands turned me around to him and I tugged my hands in his hair as he kissed the bare skin of my stomach. Then he tugged his thumbs on the waist of my thong and pulled them down, looking up at my eyes at the same time and smiling. I took it off my feet and then yelped as his fingers met me, I wasn’t counting on it.

“Hummm…” I moaned enjoying the sensations he was sending to my body. I felt my legs getting a bit week, my belly getting a bit numb as his fingers worked expertly on me. “Oh…James…” I whimpered as more and more pleasure was taking care of me. James brought his lips to my skin never letting his fingers slip away from me. I found myself bucking onto his hand as he was taking me high. “Oh…right there.” I gasped, I was lost and desperate to come.

“Here?” He played with me, I felt his lips smiling against my skin, he loved to get me that wasted in pleasure

“Yes…” I was able to hiss. “Oh yes…” I said again as I build up more and more. I was able to open my eyes and look down at him. He was working on himself with his other hand, I think it was the first time I was seeing that live and color and I never thought that would turn me on that much. “Oh baby that is so hot.” I told him.

“So you like to watch uh?” He gasped but I couldn’t answer that as I felt my legs really weak and my body exploded into ultimate pleasure. I shook a couple of times until I was able to calm down and when I did he took both hands to my waist and pulled me down on top of him as he laid back on bed sharing the first kiss since our love game began. I was still too high from the recent orgasm so he waited a bit, spending time kissing me as if we were beginning all over again. His fingers lingered on my hair, grabbing strands of it and then letting slip between his fingers, his lips tasting me countless times until finally his hands traveled onto my hips and I felt him pulling me down on him, I adjusted around him inch by inch and the pleasure was just insane.

“Oh yeah…Ade…” He breathed as I sat on him. “Ride me slow.” He asked. Our fingers entwined in a sweet gesture and I began to rock my hips slowly as he asked. He closed his eyes and inhaled hard as I began. “Yes…like that.” He told me letting me now how he wanted it. My body was there for him and I obeyed delightfully and rocked him slow and easy. “So good…” He kept saying. “You always feel so good babe.” He told me. Then he took his hands to my back and pulled me down to him, kissing my lips and he took charge thrusting into me from underneath but not fast or rough, he kept the slow pace driving me wild.

“God…what’s up with you today.” I said in between moans.

“Is it good?” He asked grabbing my hair onto his hands so he could see my face perfectly.

“So fucking good. Oh James…” I talked and moaned at the same time. He raised his head a bit and kissed my lips. Our mouths united into a lustful kiss and James stopped thrusting, I knew he was taking his time not to come yet and then he withdrew never stopping kissing me, then he came back inside of me again but he rolled me over on bed positioning himself on top of me. He grabbed my hands with his above my head and moved in and out. I was close again and so was he. His body was tenser and tenser and he was losing control of his reactions. His thrusts became a bit faster and more uncontrolled.

“Oh fuck…” He gasped against my lips as he thrust faster and faster rushing for his own orgasm. Sweat drops formed on his tempers and his was flushed, I took my hand to clean his sweat and he smiled, pecking me. “I love you so much.” He was still able to say. “Come Ade…” He said pounding hard onto me. I arched my body responding to what he was doing.

“Fuck…” I said dragging the word out loud as I felt my body hit the peak for the second time. “Yes…” I almost shouted not controlling my tone anymore, my vision blurred and my sanity was momentarily gone as he rode my own orgasm the way he wanted, making me moan and whimper and groan all the same time completely lost under his hands, then he just let lose senseless, getting on his knees again and pulling my hips onto him almost violently. He pounded as if he was fighting for his own life, I watched him doing it, his eyes closed, his lips opened and sexy “O’s” coming out of them, he flushed even more, the veins on his neck swollen with the flush, the grip of his fingers getting tighter on my hips.

“I’m gonna come.” He finally blurted clenching his jaw and his body jerked, his lips opened even more as he moaned enjoying his moment. “Oh Ade…” He said as his thrusts were calming down and as he dried himself until the last drop. “Fuck..” He finally said when he stopped and opened his eyes to look at me. His chest coming up and down as he gasped for air, then he opened a huge smile making me smile back at him.

“I fucked you good.” He said smiling even more, his cute boyish smile making melt.

“You are so vain.” I laughed. He withdrew from me and pecked me laughing too, then he laid on his side of the bed. We stood in silence for a while just resting our bodies, then I brought my lips to his ear and whispered. “You fucked me good.”

“Give me five minutes more and I can do this again.” He said.

“I bet you can but we better get some sleep because our little monsters want to eat soon in the morning.” James kissed my lips with time and then stretched his arm to turn the light off. “Sleep well sweetie.” I told him.

“You too my love.” He said resting an arm around my waist and curling his body with mine.

We fell asleep, James even faster than I did. Soon I heard him breathing heavily and his warm breath against my neck and then when I was about to fell asleep his softly snored on my ear. I giggled and elbowed him to stop, he stopped for a couple of seconds and then began again, I elbowed him second time and he rolled to the other side. Around 4 am my girl began to cry causing me to open my eyes almost scared as my sleep was abruptly interrupted. I rubbed my eyes in the darkness and walked up to their bed.

“Shuuuu…” I whispered grabbing her pacifier and putting it on her mouth but she didn’t want it and cried again so I picked her up in my arms and rocked her for a bit. “What is it babe?” I whispered getting her out of the room as James began to stir in his sleep. I felt her a little hot when I kissed her forehead. “You’re feverish Cayla.” I said sitting on the couch, downstairs at the living room. I checked her temperature and it was nothing to worry about, it was not too high. I sat her on my knees and grabbed her hands, she was just cranky and whimpering all the time. She didn’t want anything…she wanted to be left alone. She stopped crying for a few seconds and then began again. I tried to distract her with a toy and she took it to her mouth right away. “Aahh…damn teeth isn’t it sweetie?” I kissed her forehead. “Is it a new one?” I asked her. “Show it to mommy.” I took the toy away and she cried again but when she opened her mouth I could see a white spot on her gum. I put my finger in it and rubbed it Cayla stood still so I was sure it was the tooth bothering her. Cullen was alright with that new process but Cayla was always feverish and cranky, teeth were a problem to her as it is to almost every baby.

“What’s the matter with her?” James asked from the stairs. I looked at Cayla, who was frowning and whimpering and talked to her.

“You woke up daddy.” I told her. James approached us and sat by my side, the little girl stretched her arms at him and he took her.

“What’s wrong with you princess?” He kissed her.

“She’s a little feverish.” I said.

“Do you think it is better to take her to the hospital?” Since Cullen had been that ill in the hospital that the little thing and James panicked.

“No. It’s a new tooth.” I explained. James looked her and smiled more relaxed as he knew Cayla would react that way. Then she whimpered again and wanted to come back to my lap and she’d been like that, switching laps for over an hour until we were finally able to put her back to sleep again. We came back to our room and put her in bed just to wake up some time later again with Cayla crying. James pulled the covers away.

“I go.” He told me. “Hey…how about trying to calm down and let mom and dad sleep.” He talked to her. James turned the light on the nightstand on and I felt his weight on the bed again.

“I am going to bring the gel the doctor gave me. It’s better, she’s getting really impatient.” James held her close against his chest nodding at me and I came back downstairs looking for the gel still in one of the suitcases we brought. When I found it I came back to find Cayla calm leaning against her father’s chest and James already sleeping holding her.

“You put your father to sleep.” I whispered at her and taking her away from his arms. Cayla stood still while I rubbed the gel on her gum and soon she fell asleep in the middle of us. Until the morning we were in between sleep and Cayla’s crying, she was absolutely cranky the rest of the night and the entire morning. James occupied himself of her while I took care of Cullen and our lunch then it was time to meet his sponsor.

Dr. Callahan took us to his office just as we got there. I felt James tense and nervous, I think he was even stuttering a bit and choking as he greeted the doctor. He held my hand when we got in and he was cold and even sweaty. I squeezed his hand slightly supporting him and then we sat on a comfortable couch as he instructed us and I left the twins sleeping in the stroller by James’s side.

“Can I call you Adriana?” The doctor asked me after James’s introduction.

“Of course.” I agreed.

“So, Adriana, how do you feel?” He asked. I was surprised by his question and more because he was addressing to me first instead of addressing to James and there I felt a bit apprehensive. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open up to a total stranger. I looked at James wondering what he had told his sponsor about me during their conversations on the phone, James strayed his gaze and put his eyes on the floor like leaving me alone. I looked back at the doctor and thought again about what to tell.

“How do I feel about what?” I asked him.

“About this situation, about everything that happened.”

I shrugged clueless. I had a lot of things to say but then I didn’t want to hurt James as I knew most of the things I’d say would probably do that. “I feel a bit lost.” I began. “I can’t understand why he did it.” James looked at me there and I locked my eyes in his and I spoke, as if I was talking to him instead. “I think and think about it to exhaustion and I can’t see a reason. I don’t understand why.” I felt tears in my eyes and I realized how I needed a reason for all that. I became silent and looked back at the doctor who nodded at me satisfied.

“James…” He turned to him. James ran a hand through his hair and puffed.

“You want me to explain.” He said.

“Yes, please.” I said not holding my tears anymore. I understood the doctor’s work of that day was to make us talk about it to each other. I acknowledge that even if we went through that together it was fact that we never talked about why, I never asked him and he never said it. James stood still and silent for quite some time, I began to realize that the reasons were something hard for him to talk about. His eyes gazed on the floor and he was bumping a leg up and down nervously.

“James, I think your wife is waiting for an explanation. Is it hard fro you to talk about it? Do you even know the reasons?” The doctor asked him trying to get him to talk. James laid his gaze on the stroller and my heart sunk in an ocean of disappointment.

“The babies?” I asked him. He looked at me with his eyes filled with tears and mine rolled down my face. “I don’t understand…” I sobbed a bit. James closed his eyes pressing his fingers on them but his tears fell down anyway. “You didn’t want them…” I whispered trying to make him talk. I needed to hear from him desperately. “Tell me this isn’t true…” I sobbed a bit. “James…” I insisted.

“James?” The doctor insisted. I saw him clenching his fists and he got up quickly.

“I don’t want to talk about this.” He said. I got up too and walked up to him forgetting I was in the doctor’s office. I grabbed him by his collar to make him look at me but he still turned his face away. James grabbed my hands and took them away from him.

“I wasn’t counting on them, none of us was.” He said. I looked at him shocked trying to process it all in my mind. I knew he loved them, he was loving and caring with them, he played with them but still I was fighting the urge of grabbing them and get out of there. He motioned a hand to shut me up seeing I was going to talk. I closed my mouth waiting for him to continue. “I love them.” He said and somehow his words made a little bit less disappointed. I sat back on the couch with a open mind ready to hear him. He sat by my side and grabbed my hand. “I just think I wasn’t ready…”
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

First part... :drool :heart: just delicious.

The second, OMG :( Poor of them... it is not what a mother wants to hear from the father of her kids, but it's so human from him. Parenting is truly difficult.

Great part! :horns2
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4everJamie
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Yes, you were right....this Posted Image
was extra drool-worthy Posted Image

And now I´m curious what James really wanted to say ...
Posted Image
because what he said did come across really bad.
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Izzy
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Outlaw Torn
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first part... :drool :drool :drool

However, now James really needs to explain himself!!
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Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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“Ade…look at me.” He said with his eyes flooded with tears. I was shaking my head trying not to grab the kids and leave. He took a hand to my face and made me look at him. “I love them.” He said again. “I would die for them if I had to.”

“Then why did you start drinking because of them?” I asked him. “I don’t get it.” For a moment I wish we were home alone to have that conversation and not with a stranger in front of me watching us. I thought that moment was too private to share with someone I had just met but James seemed comfortable, he had been through that before so he was familiar with the procedure but to me that was being a bit too aggressive, my head began to spin franticly and I guess I panicked and got up from the couch. “You know what?” I said pulling my kids’ stroller and grabbing my purse. “I cannot do this. I am sorry.” I said turning to Dr. Callahan then I turned to James. “I am sorry.” I told him.

“Ade…” He called me.

“I am sorry but I can’t do this, I thought I could but I can’t.” I said. I pushed the stroller and left the office almost running outside. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone and I passed by a couple of people on my way out but I just wanted to get out of there. My heart pounded at an incredible rhythm.

“ADE!” James shouted following me grabbing my arm when I stopped to open the car’s door. “Please..” He said. “We need to do this together, let me explain.” He said.

“No, I don’t need to be here.” I told him shaking. My whole body was shaking. “I don’t need to share my life with someone I don’t know, I don’t have to talk about my feelings and share my sorrow with anyone. You stay and you deal with your shit and your head and then we’ll talk at home. I am going home. My kids don’t have to be here.” I shot at him.

“Our kids.” He corrected me.

“Right.” I said. “Our kids, the ones you blame for relapsing. I cannot believe in you.” I began to cry again and punched the car and them I punched his chest. “How can you do this?” I asked him beginning to sob. James grabbed my hands and pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me and I stashed my face against his chest sobbing like a little child.

“I don’t blame them.” He said tapping my hair meanwhile I wrapped my arms around his waist too. “I just wasn’t ready for the sleepless nights, to lose you to them…” He confessed. “I know this is so stupid and I had 3 kids before and I know how it goes but I was not ready to be your second best yet. And I’ve wanted them since I knew you were pregnant, there was not even one single moment where I didn’t want them Ade but when they were born it was all about them and I still wanted it to be all about me, I had a hard time trying to balance things. I am sorry love, I am stupid. That was what caused me to seek comfort on the bottle again, the fact that I was drained from the bad nights they were giving us and then seeing you all the time with them and I was alone all the time.”

“What did you want me to do?” I asked him straying to look at him. He took both his hands to my face and cleaned my tears.

“Nothing. They needed you and you were as tired as I was if not more, I just couldn’t deal with that. It hit me I was being a jerk when Cullen fell ill in the hospital and I was so afraid of losing him. I opened my eyes once more to realize how they are important in our lives and I decided to stop with the booze but then it was too late for that. I don’t blame them for anything that happened, it was me and my insecurity and not being able to deal with the fact that we had them and you needed to take care of them, I wanted you just for myself and there on my worst moments I wished they hadn’t been born and it was just us so you could be only mine.”

“Do you have any idea of what you’ve put us through? Do you know how hard it was for me to see you coming home and not even look at them, or ask if they were alright. Shouting at them when they were just three weeks old, almost hitting me when I was trying for you to get near them. Do you know how many times you raised your hand at me? The night you made me leave Cayla crying for almost an hour nonstop, you almost broke my arm preventing me from going to her and then I didn’t go because I was afraid of you. All this because you were jealous of them? We made them together, we had them together, they are a piece of both of us!” James grabbed my face with both his hands and rested his forehead against mine.

“I know.” He whispered. “I am sorry for everything.”

“You were never second best!” I said. “They just needed me more, I mean they were newborns, they needed me for everything, they still do! Only now it is easier because you actually get to help me. Our babies are so perfect James!”

“I know all that Ade. I’ve learned the lesson right away but then I couldn’t stop drinking. I tried, I tried hard but I couldn’t leave the bottle and then my struggle was even worse because I knew I was just fucking things up for us conscious.”

“You don’t have any idea of how horrible you are when you drink.”

“I do. Believe me I do and I don’t want to lose you that’s why I stopped. I always remembered the next day the horrible things I did to you or to them. I’d always remember yelling at you or pushing you aside. I remember seeing my fingers marked on your arm the next day, the way you looked at me the next day was just too painful but you stayed with me and you coped with it and we need to do this now together. I need you inside with me Ade.” I shook my head. I could not go in there, I discovered I had issues myself. Not the same as he did but I still had issues talking about my life with strangers, that wasn’t gone and I didn’t want to go back.

“I can’t go.” I told him. James looked down at his feet.

“That is why I never told you the true reasons why I had because I knew the day I’d tell you, that would be it.”

“No…no…” I said. It was my turn to cup his face between my hands. “This is not about you, it is about me now. I can’t go in there…I can’t share this with him, a total stranger. I don’t want him to make me anymore questions, he might ask something I don’t want to talk about.”

“Oh Ade…” He whispered. Pulling me to him again in a hug. “Babe, you have to face your demons. You have to let that go somehow.” He said.

“Right now I am not ready and God…I am mad at you. I really am.” I told him. I understood his point but I was building up some rage inside realizing he had put us to a lot of crap when all he had to do was talk. “I am pissed off at you James. I need to leave. Call me when you’re done, I am out of here.” With that I turned my back on him and drove with my kids on the backseat, not sure where I was going but I took the boulevard by the sea. Tears ran down my face, I wanted to shout with rage. Mixed feelings assaulting me, wanting to be there for him and feeling guilty for leaving him there all alone. I stopped on a hill and sat on the ground.

“Oh God help me.” I implored looking up at the sky then it sunk in me that I had bailed on James when he needed me. I’ve learned that my strong side had some boundaries and those were when all of a sudden the target was me. I could go thought a lot of things but I could not stand someone trying to dig deep into me, still I felt a weird feeling for leaving him there alone. “Fuck!” I said all alone. Then hearing my babies crying I came back to the car and calmed them down then I drove again like I was automatic, clueless of where to go, hammering myself with guilt but I drove towards my parent’s cemetery. I stopped my car in front of the gate and shivered. I gripped on the steer wheel and my hands shake a bit. Then I glanced at my kids in the back and they both smiled at me, I smiled back at them and sighed.

“Your father is just a troubled guy, he didn’t mean to.” I talked to them and then tears assaulted my eyes again. “And I left him there…” I sobbed a bit. I took the courage to get out of the car and put the twins in their stroller. I gulped in front of the gate frozen but then I began to walk inside slowly. I was ready to turn back at any moment but I kept going. The further I went the more I cried and I stopped, sobbing and falling down on my knees in front of my parents stone. I kneeled on the floor and rested both my hands on the cold stone and cried loud.

“I miss you so much…” I said. “I need you here with me, I needed you so many times, I need you now. Please help me…help me go through this. I love him so much and I left him there alone. Give me strength…please…” “These are my babies, they look a lot like him, they’re beautiful. I know you would approve the man I fell in love with, he is just this amazing man. He’s my soul mate…I found my soul mate. He knows everything I need, he understands me like no one ever did and we got married and had these two amazing little beings and they are the most important people in my life. The three of them equally, he’s not second best…I thought he knew better…where did he get that idea? I have a family now, you would be proud of me. Well now he must be really disappointed and upset because I bailed on him, I left him there all alone. I just hope he can understand.” The babies giggled and I looked back to find James standing right behind me. “What are you doing here?” I asked him cleaning my tears.

“I followed you in a cab. You’re right I am fucking mad at you.”

“I know.” I told him resting my gaze on the floor. “I am sorry.” James took a step closer and with two fingers under my chin he made me look up at him.

“But I am also proud. You got through your fear and came here.” He said bending over my lips and kissing them.

“I bailed on you and you kiss me.” I told him.

“I understood your reasons. Do you forgive me?” He asked. I rested my forehead against his.

“I got really mad at you, you know? All you had to do was talk to me.” I caressed the back of his neck. “I know I didn’t have much time to you but I was having a hard time, it’s my first time as being a mother, having contact with babies and I was scared, clueless of what to do. I should have tried to give you more attention but I was so tired.” I explained.

“I didn’t talk to you because I was ashamed of what I was feeling, come on being jealous of my own kids, that’s so ridiculous.”

“I am sorry I left baby, I was so shocked that I could not deal with it and then my fear…but if you followed me here, is the doctor still waiting for us to come back?” James laughed.

“No. I called him, I apologized and explained a couple of things, I have to come back tomorrow, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“Did he say I didn’t have to go?”

“No.” He shook his head. “I am saying you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” He pecked me.

“I want to go alright? I will go and I will do this…” James held my hand and step forward towards the stone.

“I’ll take good care of her.” He talked to a stone. “This is our family, here we are the four of us. You have the most amazing daughter.” Then he let go of my hand and crouched. ”Do you know why I fell in love with her? Because she just didn’t care about who I was. She didn’t care about the music, she was independent, beautiful…she is strong, she is an excellent wife and a wonderful mother. I couldn’t have wished for more. I am lucky to have her. So, thanks….” He got up and held my hand again and looked in my eyes. “You didn’t bail on me Ade. You didn‘t bail on me when I most needed you” He whispered. I let go of his hand and surrounded his neck with my arms.

“I love you James.” I said. “Oh…I love you so, so much.”

“I love you too sweetie.” The twins whimpered probably sick and tired of being stuck in the stroller. “They are getting cranky.” James commented.

“We better get out of here.” I said straying and James began to push the stroller. I entwined my arm and his and we began to walk.

“I don’t want you to think that you are a bad father. You are great with them, the worst part was indeed when they were born, that was weird but then you were amazing.”

“But then I kept on drinking.” He said.

“I know but you were never that aggressive with them anymore.”

“I also hurt you, I wasn’t aggressive to them but I was with you.” I kissed his cheek.

“I am past that. We both are.” He pulled the stroller with one hand and pulled me to him with the other.

“Do you have their bottles with you?”

“Yes why?” I asked.

“Because I am going to take us somewhere.” He said. James drove towards Hollywood hill stopping when we reached the letters and we had an awesome view over the city. Cayla and Cullen began to complain for food, I looked at my watch and it was time. James grabbed Cayla and I grabbed Cullen, each of us with a bottle on the other hand.

“Let’s go outside.” He suggested. We opened the door and walked up to the front of the car and sat on it side by side with out babies laid in our arms sucking their bottles hungrily.

“Usually young couples dating do this.” I laughed.

“Isn’t a nice spot to be away from the world and feeding our kids?” I smiled looking at him. Cullen began to close his eyes as the bottle was finishing and Cayla followed him. They were tired. “Look…they were so tired.” I smiled watching our babies sleeping in our arms. James smiled too and bent over me kissing my lips. “Do you wanna marry me again?” He asked me breaking the kiss.

“Yes.” I said giggling and he kissed my lips again and again and again.

“Really? You would marry me again?”

“Of course. No one can make me feel the way you do.” It was my time to kiss him. James put Cayla inside the car and then came back to take Cullen in. Then when he came back he laid me down on the car and bent over me kissing me more passionately.

“Don’t you think we are a bit old to be up here cuddling this way?” I laughed when we broke the kiss.

“What? Just because we’re past our teenage years and we have two babies sleeping in the back seat doesn’t mean we can’t be in love and cuddling upon this hill. This is beautiful.” He said sitting by my side again. With an arm around my neck I cuddled against him. The view was amazing as the sun came down and the city was becoming dark.
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xlau05
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Blackened
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it must have been really hard for Ade to hear that the babies were the reason of why James drinked :blink:
but at least they talked about it and now it's fine :nanner:

awesome chapters! :heart:
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Oh, poor Ade, :( that was so hard for her. I'm glad James didn't give up, I like how he is always ahead of her feelings.

And of course, he was absolutely adorable in the end, as usual! :heart: :cloud9
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4everJamie
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Some Kind Of Monster
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What can I say?
Simply...Posted Image

Thanks for the update :tu:

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