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| Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001- | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,650 Views) | |
| ElisabethOrion | September 28, 2011, 8:52 am Post #136 |
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I'm creatively constipated.
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Aww. I hope when they talk that they can just finally get everything out on the table and fix it.
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| Karla Hetfield | September 30, 2011, 12:01 am Post #137 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Great story, I hope to read more soon!
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | October 10, 2011, 2:40 pm Post #138 |
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Thanks for your comments all! I'm so sorry for the delay, but it seems that just about everything is going wrong at the same time, so, I don't really have much time to spend online / rewriting. Hopefully soon. In any case, here's the next chapter. ![]() PART 39: I was preparing dinner and James was playing with Sarah. I hadn’t told him that I was upset and I hadn’t asked him to leave, because I knew that he would have thought I didn’t want him to see Sarah. I startled as the phone began to ring. I guessed it was Kirk calling me, and it turned out that I was right. “Hey, I just wanted to say that today when I didn’t-” “Yeah, I know. James told me,” I said interrupting him. “Oh, well... Nothing then, I suppose.” “Okay, bye then.” “No, wait... Uhm... Are you angry with me?” he asked. “Yeah. I think that you two should stay out of this. This is none of your business. You are our friends, I know, but we are a family and you should respect that.” “I just-” “Yeah, I’m sure you ‘just’,” I started angrily, “but I just don’t like it. I never have and I never will. We’ve been together for years; we can figure things out ourselves.” “Oh? So... I never should have introduced you to each other?” he asked, sounding uncharacteristically angry, “I never should have told him to ask you out? Would that be better then? Or maybe I shouldn’t have told him to call you after that huge misunderstanding you had when we were on the Garage tour? Would you like that better?” he asked and sounded very annoyed. “No, I mean now.” “Okay, well, I guess ‘never’ means just the recent times then, huh?” “Whatever.” “Exactly. I want the best for you and I get blamed for that.” “You know that’s not it. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to tell what’s the best for me.” “Fine.” “Yeah. Bye-bye.” I put the phone down and sighed. I knew I owed a lot to Kirk; if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have gotten together with James and I wouldn’t have a daughter now. There just was something that had changed in our friendship. Maybe it was the fact that he had been helping out a lot and now I didn’t want that anymore. Maybe that hurt him. Maybe it was the fact that we both had changed and we weren’t like we had been before. We used to be really, really close, but after James got in the picture, it changed and since James’ rehab, Kirk and my friendship had gone downhill a bit, or a lot more. When I had met Kirk, I had been dating a guy who was cheating on me, as I later found out. After breaking up with him, I hung out with Kirk a lot, whenever he wasn’t on tour, that is. We kind of dated each other then. Then some years later, I met my fiancé-to-be, who, too, eventually cheated on me. I found him in bed with another woman. After that, I sort of shut myself off. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I had some sort of feelings for James, because I was afraid that everything would happen all over again. I mean, I wasn’t blind, I knew how they lived when they were touring. They had, like, a dozen girls each and girlfriends in practically every town they ever played in. I just didn’t want to take the risk. Anyway, Kirk noticed I had started to hang out with James more after I broke off the engagement. I guess he also knew that James liked me, and that I liked him, because he told James to ditch the girls and to show me that he could be decent. I knew that James didn’t really even think that I cared about him, because I never showed it to him, but he did just as Kirk had advised him to do. Then, sometime later, Kirk caught me checking James out and practically forced me to confess that I liked James a lot. This was already when James and I had been talking a lot and I could say that he was my friend, not just a friend of a friend. This was at the end of March in 1997, and they were in the middle of their tour, so, I didn’t see James at all at that point. Kirk called me a few times a week, though. He was basically checking up on me and stuff like that. James would sometimes take the phone away from Kirk and talk a bit with me before giving the phone back to Kirk. According to Kirk, after these phone calls, James was always in a good mood and he would keep smiling for a long time. I didn’t know if he was just making it up or if it really was true. Then, it was finally the beginning of May and I knew I would be seeing the guys. Unfortunately, I had some legal things I needed to care of, but it was better than nothing. At that time, we usually met at Lars’ house, as we did this time, too... “Still working, huh?” James asked as he sat down next to me. “Yep. Didn’t you go with Kirk and Lars?” I asked. I was at Lars’ house and I thought all three of them had gone out, but, apparently, James had stayed. “As you can see... I just thought I’d stay here... I wrote some lyrics.” “Alright. How’s the tour been?” I asked and looked him in the eyes. He smiled at me. “It’s been fun. We’ve been doing something different now, and it’s great.” “Well, that’s good,” I replied and blushed as I noticed that he was still looking and smiling at me. “What?” “Nothing,” he said and shook his head. “I just thought that... Do you remember the last time we talked? Like... Really talked?” “That time when we also played hangman? And I still find that strange, but yeah, I remember. What about it?” “Yeah, that time. Well, I didn’t tell you something that I really wanted to tell you... And I even thought of saying it by letting you guess it. I just didn’t know how to say it.” “How to say what?” “That I like you.” “I like you, too. You’re a good friend,” I replied, assuming that he meant that he liked me as a friend. “I didn’t mean it like that,” James said and looked me intently. “I mean that I’d like to go out with you.” “Uh... I... Umm...” “It’s so easy to talk to you and every time we’ve talked, I’d just like to talk more. I haven’t felt like this about anyone before.” I had no idea what to say to him. I had wanted to go out with him for a long time, but I had never really seriously thought that he would want to. Kirk had told me many times that James liked me, but I hadn’t believed him – I hadn’t wanted to believe him. Something in me thought that it was me who drove my boyfriends into cheating and I didn’t want to go through that again. I startled as I felt James’ hand on mine. “It seems that you’re not with me on this” he said. I glanced at him and saw that he looked a little sad. “It’s okay. You can say it. I probably shouldn’t have believed Kir-” “No,” I said quickly, cutting him off. I was afraid he would take it back. “I would love to go out with you. I really would. I just... I never thought you would... I mean... Kirk said that... But... I didn’t think...” I was unable to finish a sentence, I was so happy. “Well, you’ve been engaged and shit, so, I didn’t really even try to let you know then...” “But... I... That was a long time ago. You’ve had girlfriends after that.” “Well, true. But those haven’t really been girlfriends. More like chicks I’ve met and thought they were kinda ho-,” James said and stopped. “This probably isn’t the best possible subject to talk to you, not in this situation anyway... But like I said, it’s easy to talk to you,” he said and smiled sweetly. “Anyway, would you like to go out for a dinner someday?” “Sure. When?” “Well, we only have this week free, so, if possible, this week... Like... Tomorrow night? How’s that?” “Works for me.” “Great. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at seven, okay?” “Yeah, that would be nice.” “Okay. I have to go now, but I’ll see you then,” James said and got up. He walked away, turned back, gave me a kiss on the cheek and left again. I couldn’t stop smiling. We had dinner the next evening and when James picked me up, he brought me a rose. We met every night after the dinner and we talked for hours. After that week, I toured with them for a while and that was when we officially started dating. I shook my head to get my thoughts straighten out. I checked on the food, set the table and called James and Sarah to eat. “Who called earlier?” James asked as he sat down. “Kirk.” “What did he want?” “Nothing.” “He called for nothing?” he asked, not sounding surprised, though. He had gotten used to Kirk calling me for no reason at all. “Maybe.” “Is this how you are honest?” I didn’t bother replying to him. I finished my dinner and after Sarah was done, too, I went to give her a bath and put her to bed. ~*~*~*~*~ James: I knew Deborah was upset about something, but I had no idea what. I thought I’d let her put Sarah to bed and we could talk after. I waited for her for a few hours, but she never showed up. I went to see what was keeping her and I noticed she had fallen asleep next to Sarah. I walked over to them and carefully lifted Sarah to her own bed. Luckily, she didn’t wake up, nor did Deborah. I crouched down next to Deborah and whispered, “You’re not awake, are you?” I got no reply, so, I assumed that she wasn’t awake. I lay down beside her, thinking that I’d stay awake until she would wake up. We could talk then. However, despite my plans, I fell asleep next to her. |
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| ilovejaymz | October 10, 2011, 7:23 pm Post #139 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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*sigh* .... I hope they talk soon... And btw, just take your time, real life is more important <3 |
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| ElisabethOrion | October 10, 2011, 7:29 pm Post #140 |
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I'm creatively constipated.
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Man, Deborah needs a break from all this stress! Poor Girl! and so do you, like Naja said, TAKE YOUR TIME!
Edited by ElisabethOrion, October 10, 2011, 7:29 pm.
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| Karla Hetfield | October 10, 2011, 10:33 pm Post #141 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Glad to see an update! Hope you have some time to write more soon, thanks for the chapter! ^^ |
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | October 19, 2011, 3:58 pm Post #142 |
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Hey all! Thanks for your comments, again, much appreciated! ![]() Let me know what you think! ![]() PART 40: Deborah: As I woke up, I felt an arm around me. I turned around slightly and saw James lying next to me. I smiled a bit and glanced at the clock. Seeing it was only 5AM, I decided to go back to sleep. The night before, after dinner and before falling asleep, I had thought about what James had said about him going to Florida. I knew that I had overreacted when I had gotten angry with him for him saying that it wasn’t his idea to go there. Obviously, he wanted to come, otherwise he wouldn’t have come in the first place. “Awake?” a drowsy voice asked quietly beside me. “Yeah,” I replied quietly. I turned to face him and smiled a little. “I’m sorry I got upset.” “Why did you?” “It’s kinda stupid. I just overreacted.” “So, what was it?” “You said that it wasn’t your idea to come see me, so, I guess I thought you came.. or went there against your will.” He sighed. “Deborah, I wou-” “I know,” I said, interrupting him, “I just didn’t think of it then.” “So... That’s all good then?” “Yeah.” “We should probably talk more, you know?” “Yeah, but it’s not even six yet... So, maybe after a few hours of sleep?” “Sure. And hey, I talked to Phil last night. He said he had asked you about taking part in a session with us, which was actually my idea; I just hadn’t brought that up... But anyway, he said that today might be a good time to do that... What do you think?” “I don’t know. Would it be just you and me or us and Kirk and Lars and-” “Whatever you want. If you argued with Kirk last night, I guess you don’t want to see him.” “I do want to see him, but I want to talk to him first. But I guess we can do it. And I think that, at some point, we should talk about this with them. I mean, once we’ve settled everything. I don’t want to hear that I shouldn’t be with you or anything like that. It should be our decision, not theirs. I do understand that they’re thinking that it’s helping and they want to protect me, but... This is our life, not theirs.” “I know. We’ll talk to them, too. But let’s go back to sleep now. Do you mind if I stay here?” “Not at all. Good night... or morning.” “Sweet dreams,” James said and kissed my cheek. ~*~*~*~*~ I woke up as Sarah started babbling in her bed. I noticed James had already gotten up. I stretched, got up and put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I took Sarah from the bed, grabbed some clothes for her, went to change her diapers and walked to the kitchen. James was cooking breakfast, wearing only his jeans. I noticed that he had a few new tattoos. “Leadfoot, huh?” I asked, once again, startling him. “Jesus! I thought you were sleeping.” “Surprise. You seem to be easily scared these days. But sorry.” “No problem. Now, sit down, both of you, and I’ll get you some breakfast.” I sat Sarah down on her high chair and went to get her some cereal. As I was reaching for the cereal box, James grabbed my hand and turned me to face him. I could feel his breath on my face as he looked at me. “I told you sit down. Tell me what you want and I’ll get it to you.” The feeling of his fingers on my skin sent a shiver down my spine. I smiled at him a little. “I want some cereal for Sarah. And I’m not eight months pregnant, I can take the box.” “Yes, you can, but I’m serving this morning. So, go sit down and tell me what else you want,” he said firmly and smiled. He let my hand go and closed the cupboard door I had opened. “Fine. Sarah will have five or so tablespoons of cereal and some chopped vegetables and fruits. And maybe a piece of bread. And milk and water. And I’ll have a half cup of coffee with lots of milk. And whatever it is that you’re making. Happy now?” “Very, coming right up.” I watched him grabbing things from the cupboards and thought about us. I liked the thought of living with him, and I liked looking at him, cooking me breakfast. He was so comfortable in this kitchen. He knew where I kept things, and it looked like he belonged. As if we were a family, the father serving breakfast for his daughter and his wife. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to push the last thought out of my mind. We were not going to get married, he didn't want that. I should live with that. And we couldn't be in a relationship. I should try and learn to live with that, too. After serving breakfast, James sat down, across the table from me. “So... About today... How are we gonna do this?” “I don’t know. You tell me.” “Well, how about we meet with Phil first and I’ll meet the guys then?” “I guess that works... What do you usually talk with him?” “Everything, basically. We go through many issues and settle them. Phil has said that the work we’re doing now won’t help with this album, but it’ll do its job on the next albums instead. And... I’m thinking that today we’ll talk about you.” I moved my piece of omelette around my plate, uncomfortable with the current topic of discussion. “Well, isn’t that nice... I’m sorry if I’m making this difficult or something...” “You’re not. And it’s easy for us to get into an argument about you, because we all care about you a lot and we all have our thoughts about what’s best for you. And, of course, looking back, I know that I was never the best for you. I’m sure you understand that.” “Yeah, things could have been better between us for sure... But they don’t seem to understand that this is my life, and yours, surely we can make our own decisions.” “I know. But you were Kirk’s best friend for many years, well, you still are his friend, but I know that he isn’t happy that you’ve drifted apart.” “Yeah, I should really talk to him.” “I suppose so. But I have some things to take care of, so I should get going soon. Are you taking Sarah with you?” “I don’t know yet, but I thought I’d ask Mom if she can take her. What time should I be there?” “I have to call Phil and ask him.” “Alright, so, let’s have this conversation again in a few minutes then.” James chuckled and nodded. I got up and took the dishes to the kitchen islands, finishing my piece of the omelette there. I cut a small piece of the omelette and gave it to Sarah since she seemed to have liked it. James stood up as well and as he was about to leave the room, I walked over to him and stopped him. “Thanks for breakfast, it was delicious,” I told him when he turned around to look at me. “You’re welcome,” he replied. We kept looking at each other in the eyes and before I knew it, we were kissing. I put my hand on his back as he slipped his tongue in my mouth. I knew I shouldn’t be kissing him, but I couldn’t resist. It felt so good. There was so much tension between us, so much emotion. So many feelings and so many things unsolved. “I can’t do this now,” I said breathlessly and pulled away from him. I looked down for a while and then met his gaze. He kept me close to him, running his hand up and down my back. It was very comforting. “I’m sorry, honey. Is it too early?” he asked and smiled. “Should I have done that after lunch?” “No,” I said and smiled. “You’re like... months or years ahead of yourself... In fact, I actually don’t know if I even want to be with anyone ever again... It just seems that it doesn’t work... And I keep getting disappointed.” “I thought that...,” he started and I knew what he thought. “You thought things were okay.” I looked down, feeling tears burning my eyes. “If they aren't... We can make things work. I know it wasn’t so great at the beginning and especially not in the middle, but the last bit was, at least, I think so... And who says you’d be disappointed now?” “I don’t know,” I said and turned to look at Sarah. I wiped at my eyes discreetly, hoping James wouldn't notice. Sarah had finished eating, too, so, I went to put her down on the floor and then, we walked over to James. “I’m serious. We have to talk about this.” “I know that.” Sarah tugged on my hand and led me to the living room to her toys. James followed us there and took a seat on the couch. “So... I know that the beginning and the middle part of our relationship wasn’t great, but the last bit was great... Well, at least, to me... I know I disappointed you, but... Well, that was after we had broken up, so, technically, it wasn’t the relationship that... umm... got you disappointed. Right?” “Well... It was that too. I, too, think that the last part of the relationship was great, and I really loved the beginning... But the middle... Well, that wasn't really that great. But I really loved the beginning. You were so romantic, caring, and sweet. I mean, you called me for no reason and then you called me every night to say goodnight. Even when you were on the other side of the world... And all the little things you did, notes, other messages, flowers... They were all great, James. I loved it,” I told him. “But what disappointed me most in our relationship was that you left me. I mean, I know we had talked about it and all... But if I had thought about it more... I couldn’t have done it.” James sat on the floor, looked me in the eyes and took my hand in his. He stroked it gently with his thumb and looked at me sadly. “I didn’t leave you.” “Really? Which one of us brought the breaking-up –thing up that night? It wasn’t me.” “Well, yeah, I did, but... It wasn’t my idea in the first place.” “That night, it was you.” “And you said that you had to leave me.” “Well, yeah, but you brought it up that night.” “It wasn’t-” “Look. This doesn’t matter,” I interrupted him. “It makes no difference who said it, it was said anyway and what happened, happened. In my opinion, it was you who broke up with me. Like I said, if I had thought about it more, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do it anyway. I’m not trying to point the finger and make this all your fault. This isn’t in any way your fault, I-” “Well, maybe in some way it’s my fault,” James said cutting me off. “I should have thought things through first,” I said finishing my sentence. “Well, that just sounds like it’s your fault then. Which it isn’t. It really isn’t.” “Anyway, what I was saying was that us breaking up was the most disappointing thing in our relationship. Of course, there were the times when you weren’t nice to me and all, but still...” “Is this why you don’t want to try it again?” “No.” “What is then?” “Could we talk about this some other time?” I asked. I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable. I didn’t want him to know why I didn’t want to be in a relationship again. I just wanted to forget it ever happened. “No, let’s talk about this now.” “I have to call Mom and take Sarah there if she’s fine with it. You had something to do. We were supposed to meet Phil before you meet the guys. Can’t we talk about this later? When we actually have time?” “I don’t care about that stuff. Right now, this is what matters.” He wanted to talk about it, there was no getting around it, and he pushed for it persistently. “You have to settle things between you and Lars and Kirk. Don’t run from that. This isn’t as important.” “Well, this is more important to me, but fine. Let’s do it your way,” he said letting go of my hand. He got up and walked to the bedroom. I sighed deeply and buried my head in my hands. I got up, too, walked to the phone and called Mom. “Hey, it’s me. Can you take care of Sarah today?” “Of course, honey. What for?” “I need to talk with James. It’s probably going to take some time and it’s easier if I don’t have to worry about Sarah at the same time.” “Yes, of course. Are you dropping her off?” “Yeah.” “When?” “I’ll leave now. Or whenever I get Sarah ready to go. If that's okay?” “Of course. I’ll see you two then.” “Yeah, thanks.” I put the phone away, gathered Sarah’s toys and other things, left James a note saying that I had gone to take Sarah to Mom’s and left. |
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| Karla Hetfield | October 19, 2011, 9:27 pm Post #143 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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So cute the kissing part... Well, she should really talk to him now that seems that he really wants to go back together and make things right. Hope she'll give him the chance! Thanks for the great chapter!!
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| ilovejaymz | October 20, 2011, 10:45 am Post #144 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Great chapter.... still waiting for them to talk, and get things worked out.. i also hope, she will give him a chance
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | October 20, 2011, 4:05 pm Post #145 |
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Thanks for your comments, Karla and Naja! Glad to see you're still reading. And can you believe this, I'm updating already! Haha. A bit of talking in this one, enjoy and let me know what you think.PART 41: After I came back, I noticed James’ car outside. He obviously hadn’t left yet, which I found a little strange, considering that he said he had things to care of and that he needed to leave soon. It had been an hour or so since I had left, so, I really thought he wouldn’t have been there anymore. I peeked in every room and finally found James in my bedroom. He had his feet on the floor and was lying down on his back. He had covered his face with his hands. “James? Are you okay?” “No,” he said muffling his voice with his hands. I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him. “What’s wrong?” “Everything. Us. Me. Metallica. I want a drink. I can’t do this.” I moved James’ hands away from his face and looked him in the eyes. “You can do this. I took Sarah to Mom’s and she said Sarah can spend the night there, so we have all day today. We can talk. I’ll help you as well as I can. You have said yourself that you feel better when you haven’t been drinking. You know that. Having a beer to forget your problems is not the answer. You know that, too.” “I don’t,” he said quietly. He turned to look at me and I could see the same look in his eyes that I had seen in Florida. “Yes, you do,” I insisted. “Listen. I know that look you have on your face. I’ve seen it before. Many times... You want to talk about things that are bothering you, so, do that.” He shook his head. “It won’t help.” “You know it will.” “It didn’t help before,” he said hopelessly. “In rehab?” I asked. “Yeah.” “Did you talk to someone who would understand your feelings? Or who would know what you have been through?” “I don’t know. Probably not. At least, not all of them,” he admitted. “Well, try talking to me.” He was quiet for a moment. I saw the hesitation on his face and continued, “I know that things between us are difficult and about as unsolved as they can be... But you can still talk to me. I promise I'll listen.” He nodded, but stayed quiet. I figured he was thinking about where to start. “I sometimes have dreams about Cliff. I relive the night when he died. I see it all over again, I hear everyone screaming. I yell at the bus driver. I drown my sorrows in alcohol. I can’t take it.” He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in deeply. “I drive everyone away from me with my behavior, I know that. I’ll end up all alone if I don’t stop... I'm pretty alone already as is. But... but still I just can’t stop, I can’t change,” he said. He looked me for a while and added, “And I’m scared.” He had never told me that he was scared of anything. I knew that he had been scared from time to time, mostly because our relationship had advanced to another level – like when I had taken him to meet my mother – but he had never admitted that anything at all scared him. “Of what?” “Of losing you. Of losing Sarah... Of losing Metallica. Of losing everything that is important. Everything important has been taken away from me before... Why not now, too? What if something happens and I can’t keep doing what I love? What if I can’t tell Lars and Kirk that I love them and that I want to work all this stupid shit out? What if I can’t tell you that I love you? What if I never get to tell someone that you’re my girlfriend?” “James...,” I started. “Don’t say it! I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know that nothing will happen between us. That’s what I want. I want to make it all up to you. I want to hold you and kiss you and... A lot more. I want to be with you.” I felt tears on my cheeks. “I’m sorry, James.” He closed his eyes and was silent. “I’m glad you said all that. But, right now, I can’t do this. That. I am not saying that nothing will ever happen between us. I don’t know what will happen. I... I love you, that hasn't changed. And because of that, I would love to be with you again, but I really, really just can’t do it now. I'm not ready. And you can tell Lars and Kirk and me that you love us. Nothing is stopping you. And you’re not going to lose me...” “Yeah, look what happened the last time...” “But you didn’t lose me. I’m here.” “Only because we have Sarah.” “No! That’s not why-” “Yes. That’s why,” James said and looked at me. “If you hadn’t had Sarah, you wouldn’t have replied to my letter. You wouldn’t even have called me in the first place. Maybe I wouldn't have brought the letter over at all. We wouldn’t be here now.” “How do you know that? Yeah, you don’t. Maybe I would have called you. Maybe I would have called Kirk eventually. Maybe you would have come to see me. Maybe we would have bumped into each other somewhere. You don’t know that. But I am here now. And I want to be here. That should matter.” “It does matter... But every time I try to make things right with you, I mess up. And I don’t really get the feeling that you even want to do this. It just seems that you think that you have to do this, that you have to make things right. I can’t see that you really want it...” “Why is that?” “Because you say ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘Not now, James, Sarah’s here’. It feels like I’m trying too hard and you somehow keep pushing me away. I don’t want you to do that... It hurts me.” I sighed. And felt really bad. “I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t mean to hurt you, in any way. Please, believe me when I say that. I care about you a lot and I wish you could be happy. And, in your heart of hearts, do you honestly think that I don’t want to work things out? Do you honestly think that after everything we’ve been through, after everything I’ve told you, I wouldn’t want us to be okay?” “I don’t know what to think. One minute it seems that you want to work things out, but then I probably say something that makes you want to change your mind and say that that isn’t a good time or something. Like earlier today.” “Have you thought that it might actually not be a good time? I don’t want to have these kinds of discussions when there are other people around. I really do want to work things out with you, but I want to do it in quiet and in private. And maybe you are right about Sarah. If I hadn’t had her, maybe I wouldn’t have replied to your letter, maybe you wouldn’t have even written to me if I hadn’t tried to call you, but right now I’m not here because we have Sarah. I’m here because I love you. And I know that you are the best I could ever have. So, I’m going to be here. I promise you, you will not lose me or Sarah if it’s up to me-” “So, if I don’t mess up again.” “And if I ever choose to be with someone, it’s going to be you. I know that it’s you. I just don’t know if I can be with you. I'm... There are things that I haven't told you, or anyone, but... I'm not ready to talk about them. Because I'm hurting too. I'm hurting so much. This isn't easy for me. I can’t explain things so that you’d understand, but I promise to try to do that at some point,” I finished. James nodded. “And what you said about Cliff... Have you talked about him with Lars and Kirk? They were there, too. I’m sure they would understand how you feel... I mean, I understand that you’re sad about it, I am, too, but I didn’t even know him, let alone, was there when it happened... So, I don’t think I’m much of help when it comes to this.” “You are. I wish I had talked about this before... I just... I didn’t want to. And I haven’t really talked about this with Lars or Kirk...” “You probably should, though... I’m sure they would understand it. And maybe they have some thoughts about him. And you can, of course, talk to me about this, if you think that helps, but I really think that you should talk to them, too. I just think they can help you more than I can, you know?” “Yeah...” “What about that dream...? Do you have it every time you go to bed without drinking?” “No, not every night. And I probably wouldn’t have it every night that I have been drinking, but if I did have it then, I couldn’t remember it.” I nodded and gave him a little smile. I noticed he reached for my hand, but didn’t take it. “Promise me you will talk about this with Lars and Kirk, okay?” “I promise.” “Alright. And everything that’s going on between us... don’t let this interfere with anything. Take care of yourself first. Talk things through with Kirk and Lars and Bob first. Finish the album. Get a bass player...” “Tell you what’s been going on in the studio?” he offered. “The album is finished; it just needs to be mixed. And we have a bass player.” “Oh, well. There you go. Two things less to do already. And once you have taken care of yourself and you have talked things through with the guys, we’ll talk.” “I think it should be the other way around. First us, then the guys. Like I said before, this is what matters.” “Metallica matters too, doesn’t it?” “Of course, it’s been my life for over 20 years... It matters a lot, but-” “Then talk things through with the guys. I’m not going anywhere.” “You don’t understand. I can’t go and talk to them and make everything all right if everything between us isn’t all right. I need to have someone there supporting me. I know now that I need help. I can’t deal with everything by myself. Especially with Lars. We have nothing in common and it shows... it really does. It’s difficult with him. We’re arguing and we’re just both trying to piss each other off. Still. It’s... It’s stupid, I know, but... I just can’t do it by myself. It doesn’t work. I have tried it and it hasn’t led to anything good. You know that, too. I need someone to walk me through the difficulties. I need you. I really can’t do this without you. I know that's selfish and... I have no right to ask you to help me, not after everything I've done to you... But... I mean, if you say no, I understand and it's fine, I wouldn't blame you for that, but... I need you, Deborah. The only reason I was able to go through all the shit with the guys before was that I had you. The only reason I was able to go through rehab was that I knew I was doing what you would have wanted me to do.” “That’s... Well, I don’t really know what to say to that,” I said quietly. I took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I really wish we had talked like this when we still were together... But do whatever you think is the best. I’ll be here for you.” “Thanks. You have no idea what that means to me after everything,” he said softly. “You’re welcome. But I’ll go and take a shower now, and we’ll talk more then, okay?” “Sure.” Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, October 20, 2011, 4:06 pm.
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| Karla Hetfield | October 20, 2011, 9:38 pm Post #146 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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What a fast update!I really enjoyed this chapter! At least seems like their going somewhere now... Looking forward to more!!!
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| ilovejaymz | October 21, 2011, 5:12 pm Post #147 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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All she said
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | October 24, 2011, 1:59 pm Post #148 |
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Thanks for commenting Karla and Naja! But alas, in the new chapter, some trouble is brewing... Of course. Enjoy the next chapter and comment to let me know what you've thought! ![]() PART 42: James: The phone started ringing. I went to Deborah’s home office to pick it up. “Hello?” “James?” Kirk asked on the other end. “Guilty as charged.” I was slightly annoyed at him, especially because of what he had told me and because I knew that he had gone over the line that Deborah had set up for them. “It’s Kirk. Is Deborah there?” “Yeah, but she can’t talk now.” “She probably told you to say that, didn’t she?” “No. She can’t come to the phone now, she’s taking a shower,” I explained the situation to him as if he was three years old. “Oh. Well, I was talking to Lars last night and we wanted to apologize to her and to you, you know, for saying what we did. It’s not any of our business. We wanted to say that we’re sorry.” I sighed. “Yeah, I know.” “Did he talk to you already?” “No, but I know you two.” I said. I didn't want to be a dick to him, too, so, I continued. “I know you want to protect her, but we have a daughter together. You can’t keep us from seeing each other. And saying that we shouldn’t see each other doesn’t help. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her on purpose; I care about her a lot.” “Maybe so, but you hurt her anyway.” “Yeah, I know, we’re working on that. I’m gonna stop drinking and we’ll see how that works out. And, you know, no-one’s perfect. You can’t go through life without making a mistake or hurting someone. In fact, I believe that’s what you told me years ago.” “Yeah, I know that, but do you know what she’s been through because of you?” Kirk asked me quietly. “Probably not, but we are going to talk tonight, so, maybe I’ll know then.” “Right. Are you coming to HQ today? We have the meeting at two.” “Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ll probably come with Deborah. I thought it might be good if we all sat down and talked.” “That might be good. But I gotta go, I’ll see you later.” “Yeah, see you.” I put the phone down and noticed a book on the table. It was open and I recognized Deborah’s handwriting on the open page. “February 17th. James asked me to move in with him. I don’t know what to tell him... I’d love to live with him, I’ve wanted that since 1998, but now that we aren’t together anymore, I don’t know how it would work out. I mean, I don’t know if I can be with him without being in a relationship with him. I love him and I want to be with him, but I can’t. How can I forget it?!? It’s like the worst thing that has happened to me. It’s even worse than walking in on your fiancé with another woman. Well, maybe not really, but since I loved James more than him, it is. I thought he felt the same way for me as I did for him. And I can’t even talk about this with him, he’ll say that’s not what he meant or something, but of course he would say that. He can’t expect me to think of being with him like that ever again. I wish things were different. I can’t keep doing this. I want everything to be like it used to be. Just me and him. I’m still in love with him. I shouldn’t be, but I am.” I turned a few pages back even though I knew I shouldn’t read it, it was obviously Deborah’s diary. “December 26th. Christmas was great. We had a nice dinner at Kirk’s and Sarah (and Daniel, too) got too many presents. The guys really spoil them. It was nice spending some family time together with James and Lars and Kirk and their families... But then seeing the other two with their spouses... Me and James all alone... I noticed myself wishing every so often that we were together, too. Just like when I've seen him together with Karen, him holding her... Everytime I just wished it would be me who he wanted to hold. I know it’s not going to happen. They’re in love and I’ve already made it clear that there’ll be nothing between us. I can’t go back on my word and say that I want to be with him. And I especially can’t do that because of Karen. It wouldn’t be fair to her... she’s very nice. And as it was proven a month ago, I can’t really be in a relationship anymore. And who would even want me? I can’t take care of Sarah and I’m disgusting. After what happened with James, I’ve lost faith in relationships. I wish he wouldn’t – ” The book was taken away from me. I closed my eyes and cursed silently. “What do you think you’re doing?” “I’m sorry. I was on the phone and I saw my name there,” I said and turned to look at Deborah. She was holding her towel up with one hand and holding the book with the other. She spoke quietly, almost a little too quietly. “That doesn’t give you the right to go through my stuff.” I knew I'd hurt her bad. This was worse than her yelling her head off. “Honey, I wasn’t going through your stuff. The book was open and right here on your desk. I’m sorry I picked the phone up in here and I’m sorry I read the book. I really am. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I was curious. I’m sorry,” I said. I looked at her and continued, “Can I ask you something?” “No.” I figured she'd say that, but I had to ask her anyway. “Why haven’t you told me about all that?” “You were going to ask that anyway.” “Yeah. So, answer me.” A few tears rolled on her cheeks and I wanted to pull her to me and kiss the tears away. “When was I supposed to do that? Thirty minutes ago when we were talking about you? ‘Yeah, James, sorry about all that has happened to you, but here’s what bugs me.’ During the past two weeks when you weren’t here? In Florida where you clearly were upset? Or maybe before that when all we talked about was Sarah?” She had a very good point. “Well... Okay, I get that, but you could have, no, you should have told me if you were unhappy about something.” “There’s no ‘I should have’ here. If we were involved, then yes, I should have. Now, I could have, but I chose not to bother you with it.” “Friends tell each other things.” “Yeah, friends do that. Is that why you told me about what you were doing in the studio? Is that why you told me what was bothering you when you were in Florida and didn’t leave me there wondering if you actually even were there? Or is that why you told me that you and Karen had broken up?” “Alright. You win.” I held up my hands, hoping not to start an argument over this. “This is not about winning or losing, James. This is about you betraying my trust, again.” I pulled her to me and made her sit on my lap and took the book away from her. “I am sorry, Deborah, I apologize. I feel bad about reading it. But, you know, all those things you have written here,” I patted the book with my hand, “are so important to you, in one way or another, that you needed to get them out. And you yourself said that if we want to work things out, we have to be honest. So, you were going to tell me about those things anyway. At least, I hope. And, yes, it was wrong of me to read that, I know,” I said, stressing the last two words. “Reading that without your permission is not how I was supposed to find things out. I know that. That book is a private thing and I don’t have the right to read it without your permission, so, I am truly sorry I read that. I was just curious.” “Yeah,” she said quietly. “We weren’t in love. Me and Karen. It wasn’t love. It was... feeling safe. Just to have someone there. I... I'm not even sure if I loved her, even if I did tell her that. She wasn't you, not even close. Maybe if I had met her in a different way or if I hadn’t fallen in love with you. And I don’t mean that I wish I hadn’t, I’m just saying. What else... Well, I wish you didn’t think that I didn’t love you. I did. I loved you more than anything. And if you want, now, tomorrow or in a year, be with me, all you need to do is to tell me. And why do you think you can’t take care of Sarah or that you’re disgusting?” “Stop.” “No. Tell me.” “Just... Let me go and stop. You shouldn’t even know that,” she spoke softly, barely audible. “No, I’m not letting you go.” “I don’t want to talk about this. Please, let me go,” she whispered and looked at me. Her eyes were still teary, but also sad and maybe even empty. “I’m sorry,” I said. She got up and walked away from me. I knew now that I had gone too far by asking her those things, but I couldn’t understand why Deborah thought as she did. She was amazing with Sarah. She played with her a lot, she taught her things, and she sang to her; she did everything she should have done. I thought she was the perfect mother. After she told me about Sarah, I bought a bunch of baby books and it seemed to me that Deborah did everything the books advised the mother to do. And quite often, she also did what the books advised the father to do. That had changed a bit after I found out about Sarah, but still every time I asked her what I could do, she said there wasn’t anything for me to do. I had realized before that since it had been Deborah's choice to have Sarah, she felt it was also her responsibility to take care of her. Even though it was a bit late now, I needed to make her see that I was willing to help her, in any way possible. And it would be easier for me to help her if we lived together. That was one of the reasons why I had asked her to move in with me. Of course, there was the little fact that I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but... I hadn’t really told her that. Well, I guess she knew that I wanted to get back together, but I probably hadn't been clear enough about my feelings for her. And when it came to her being disgusting, I assumed she meant that she looked disgusting, which I didn’t think was true, at all. I thought she looked beautiful, better than before. She had gained weight, but it suited her. I had actually thought before that she was a little too skinny, though I never told her that. But still, she sometimes looked very tired and exhausted. I had asked her if she was all right and she had told me everything was fine. But there was something in her that made her look like everything wasn’t as it was supposed to be. Despite what she said, I knew that was very true. Her life wasn’t as she had planned or wanted it to be in the first place. I wanted to tell her so many things that had changed, but I didn’t know how I was supposed to do that. I couldn’t just go and tell her that my views of marriage had changed, could I? I had said, for so many years, that I never wanted to get married that a sudden change in that would be odd. Being in rehab had changed me totally. Of course, I was still the same man as I had been before, but I knew now that I couldn’t control everything and starting from that, many things had changed. I had left behind my old hobbies, hunting, drinking... and taken up new ones, such as sports and cars. I had always loved cars – that ran in the family – but I never had the time to mess around with them, it was always either Metallica or alcohol. And too rarely had it been Deborah. I hoped there was a way to let her know that I would now spend time with her and that if we ended up in a relationship with each other, it would be what she had wanted before. But if she didn’t even want to be in a relationship anymore, what would telling her help? |
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| Karla Hetfield | October 24, 2011, 9:49 pm Post #149 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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What a great update!!!!!! Now James is in trouble here Seems like she's really feeling bad about him reading her diary... let's see how he'll manage to go through that. Waiting for more already!!!
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| ilovejaymz | October 25, 2011, 4:26 am Post #150 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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That was a stupid move.. but i would have done the same He has a lot of good thoughts there.. and i hope that Deb will open up to him, and tell him everything.. but i guess that's too much to hope for, cause that would be to "easy" I hope that she will listen to him for once.. be open for what he tells her. Can't wait for next chapter
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Hopefully soon. In any case, here's the next chapter.

8:42 PM Jul 10