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Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001-
Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,649 Views)
Broken, Beat & Scarred
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A little detour before James and Deborah get to talk. And thank you to my two loyal readers, Karla and Naja! :heart: Glad you're reading. Keep the comments coming. :)


PART 43:

Deborah:

The doorbell rang. I sighed, got up and went to open the door.

“Hi, cou- What's wrong?” Kirk asked. He always knew when I was okay and when I wasn't. Of course, anyone would've seen I'd been crying. And I guess if you knew I had been talking with James... Well, naturally, in our situation, it meant tears and crying.

“What do you want?” I asked him, not bothering to answer his question.

“I want to talk to you... Apologize.”

“This is not a good time.”

“Deborah, please, I feel horrible.”

“Good. I think that whatever happens between me and James, shouldn’t... You shouldn’t have said what you did,” I said. “I do know that you’ve done a lot for me and James and I’m grateful for that. We both are. But there’s a limit for everything. You can’t tell him that he can’t see me. We have a daughter. It’s not that easy. And... It’s just wrong of you to say that. How would you feel if he told you to stop seeing Lisa?”

“I know. I’m sorry. And it was actually Lars who said it, but anyway. I did agree.” Kirk reached his arm behind the door and dragged Lars into my view. He looked shameful, which itself was a wonder. The other wonder was the fact that he had been standing behind the door.

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have said it. I know,” he said and looked down. “We just want the best for you. We love you both, we... I... I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Seeing both of them so upset and sad about this, I felt bad myself. “Just... let us deal with this on our own. If we ask for help, provide it, don’t mess everything up. Try to get everything worked out with James. Don't take Metallica away from him. I don't think he could survive that...,” I said, thinking about what James had told me earlier that day.

“Well, that’s why we’re here, we want to work things out. With you and with him. Is he still here?”

“Yeah,” I said, stepping back to let them in. I walked to Christina's old room, where I thought James might be. He often slept in there, if he was spending the night and didn't sleep next to me.

As I guessed, he was in there, sitting by her desk writing something. “Lars and Kirk are here, they want to talk to you,” I told him. He turned to look at me and nodded. He folded the paper, put it in his pocket and got up. He passed me without saying anything and I couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. Maybe he thought I had overreacted, but he had really hurt my feelings. If anyone had the right to not talk to the other, it was me, not him.

I heard my cell phone ringing in my bedroom, so, I walked there and searched for the phone.

Seeing it was Christina who was calling, I figured she was back home. “Hey, honey,” I said, smiling.

“Hi! We just got back from Europe, again. How are you?”

“I’m okay. You've missed out on a lot of things, some good, some not so good. Mom had a heart attack, but then she ended up moving back, I almost lost James, but then... he's asked me to move in with him... Sarah learned how to walk. How was Europe?”

“It was still there. And wow, by the way. Are you okay with all of this? Are you and James back together?”

“I'm fine. And no, we're not back together.”

“So... Why did he ask you to move in with him? I mean... It’s him, so... He is still seeing Karen, right? Is she okay with this?”

“Umm... He's... He hasn't dated Karen in a long time, apparently. They broke a little after he found out about Sarah. We are... Uhmm... We are working on things now and we’ll see how it goes. He told me he wants to be with me, but I don’t know... And he wants to be in Sarah’s life and he’s getting a new house, so...”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You love him.”

“I do. It’s not that simple. You know in November when I was seeing that guy for a while?”

“Yeah.”

I took a deep breath. I hadn't told Christina about what had really happened, and I wasn't going to do it now, either. “Well, I... When it got serious, I couldn’t go on with it anymore,” I said. That wasn’t exactly a lie. “All the past relationships I've been in have ended with the guy cheating on me, it has to be me,” I said, letting her know one of the things that had been haunting me for a long time.

“James didn’t-”

“I know,” I interrupted her, “not technically, but it felt like that. But the ones before.”

“It’s not you. I promise. They’ve just been wrong for you. Not wanting to commit, in some cases being complete assholes, and all that. It’s not your fault.”

“I don’t know... I would want to be with him, but... I don’t know. What if he disappoints me again?” I asked, sniffling as I felt tears in my eyes again. “And you probably didn’t call me so you could listen to me complaining about this...”

“Don’t worry about that, and don't cry, sweetie. You've had a tough time, and I’m your friend and here for you, you know that. And... Well, yeah. James may disappoint you, but I don't think he will. At least he would never disappoint you on purpose. In fact, I don’t think he has ever disappointed you on purpose. I’m sure you agree. I think he's changed a lot since rehab and... well, I have a feeling things might go just fine. He loves you, he really does, and since the feeling’s mutual... You know, carpe diem, again,” Christina said. “That worked the last time, didn’t it?”

“We're not together anymore, so, no, it didn't work.”

“Okay, but you were together for a couple of years...”

“But... If he leaves me... I can't take it.”

“He is not going to leave you, he loves you. I know that he's hurt you before, and I swear to God, I never thought I'd say this, but James is a good man and a great father. I haven't been his biggest fan, but if he asks for another chance, I'd give him one. I know that he comes from a broken family and I'm sure that shows in his relationships, too. As far as I know, you and Karen are the only two women that he's been serious about. The point is that he doesn't have much expertise in relationships. If he does something that hurts you, the odds are that he either hadn’t thought about it or he was trying to do something nice but it didn’t work out.”

“Yeah, you're right, I know. I'm just... scared. I need to talk to him, though.”

“Yeah, you go do that. But... I have some news,” Christina said and I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Right... I’m sorry, you called to tell me something. What is it?”

“We’re getting married. At the end of April. And I want you to be the maid of honor, will you?”

“Of course! And congratulations! I was waiting to see when this would happen. How did he propose? And where?”

“Oh... It was soooo romantic. You remember that little sightseeing place in Rome? Where you could see the whole city?”

“Yeah, oh, that was beautiful. Was it there?”

“Yeah. The whole place was empty. There were beautiful lights, roses and all. We had had dinner in a nearby restaurant and then he took me there. He told me how much he loves me and then he got down on one knee and asked me.”

“That sounds amazing. Do you have a place to have the wedding? How much have you planned?”

“We have nothing planned. I was thinking that I could come over and we could look at some magazines and stuff... How’s that?”

“Wonderful, but I can’t today. James is here, he’s talking to Kirk and Lars now and we’re going to talk after that, I believe. And I took Sarah to Mom’s, so I don’t have to look after her. I don’t know, but I think James and I are going to talk a lot, so, he might spend the night... Maybe. How’s tomorrow?”

“Sounds good. Has James been spending nights a lot?” she asked in a suggestive tone.

“No. Actually, yesterday was the first time I saw him in a few weeks. He did spend last night here, though. But seriously, there’s nothing going on between us, I know that’s what you’re thinking, anyway.”

“Alright. Yeah, well, I’d like to see you two get back together. But anyway, I have to go, but I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll see each other then, okay?”

“Sure.”

I put the phone away and thought about what she had said.

Maybe it would be worth seizing the day, again. I couldn’t do it straight away, though. I needed proof. I wanted to make sure that James would indeed treat me well and that everything would go well. I decided to move in with him and see how it would go. I couldn’t even be mad at him because he read my journal, although, there were things in there I didn’t want him to know. Even if I had said that we needed to be honest, I couldn’t do it myself. There were things he didn’t need to know. At least, not yet.

~*~*~*~*~

I was in my office, making a list for the following day. You know, what to discuss with Christina... The dress, guests, place for the wedding, and everything. James knocked on the door and stepped in.

“Kirk wants to talk to you,” he said.

“I know. I don’t really want to talk to him, though.”

“Will you talk to me then?”

“About?”

“Us, you, me, whatever.”

“Fine, I’ll go talk to him then,” I said and got up. I did want to talk to James, but I didn’t know what to tell him. And if I knew Kirk at all, he would wait until I came and talked to him. I walked to the kitchen where Kirk was. Lars had apparently left already.

“I don’t know if you know. I called you today.”

“Didn’t.”

“Okay, well, I did. I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“You said that before.”

“I know that. But that’s what I called for. And I wanted you to know that we’re trying to protect you.”

“By saying that the father of my child shouldn’t see me? Great.”

“Look, you yourself said that you don't want to see him.”

“I know. But things change. And... I’m sorry for what I said yesterday. I’m glad you’ve helped us out. I’m really happy that you introduced us and I’m glad you helped us get through the difficult times in our relationship. But maybe you should just... let it go. Let us deal with everything. And I think that we should really talk about our friendship. It’s not as it used to be.”

“I know. And we can talk, of course.”

“Yeah, how about later today? After your meeting with Phil?” I suggested.

“Oh... Uh, we’re not meeting him after all... We’re meeting him in a few days instead.”

“Alright.”

“James said that you two have a lot to talk about, which I’m sure is true,” Kirk explained.

“Yeah, we do...”

“Yeah, so, I guess I’ll leave you two to talk. And I’ll talk to you later about everything, okay?”

“Sure, that sounds great,” I said and smiled at him.

“You’re not angry anymore?”

“I can’t be angry with you for a long time, you know that.” He grinned and got up.

“I do,” he gave me a kiss on the cheek and left.

“So, James’ turn,” I said to myself and went to look for him.
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Karla Hetfield
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First of all, I have to tell you that I need another update as soon as possible! :D This chapter was really great and I want to see what will come out of this talk.
I know Deborah loves James... and I have a feeling that she'll give him another chance really soon. Keep it up, I'm hooked on this story! :wavey
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ilovejaymz
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FINALLY, they will talk.. i hope ^_^

She should listen to Christina!

COME OOOON, GET US THE TALK :heart: :heart:
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Again, Karla and Naja, thanks for your comments! :) :heart:

One more thing before the talk, I know I'm mean, but there will be a reference to this scene in the next chapter, and I want you to know what happened then (or some things that happened then), so...

Hoping to have a real update up tomorrow. :)



March of 1996:

I couldn’t believe what I had seen. I had trusted this man with my heart and soul, but he had betrayed me. I hadn’t even suspected that he might have been cheating on me, but the more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that it had been going on longer.

I took a cab and managed to give the driver Kirk’s address as I slumped down in the back seat.

As I got out of the cab, tears began to fall down my face. I had been able to hold them back, but I couldn’t any longer. I walked up to Kirk’s apartment and knocked on the door. I couldn’t wait for Kirk to open the door, take me in his arms, and comfort me. He had already done that for so many times that I didn’t know how to cope with things, especially things like this, without him.

As the door opened, I startled seeing that it wasn’t Kirk who opened the door. It was James instead. I quickly tried to brush away my tears, but it wasn’t really helpful. James hugged me and I felt something strange. It was as if everything was all right, for a second. “What happened?” he asked softly. He sounded very concerned.

“I need to talk to Kirk,” I sobbed, letting him guide me to Kirk’s living room. I tried to ignore how I felt about him, but it was much harder than I thought.

“He’s not here, I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to settle with me.”

“I went home and he was in our bed with another woman,” I said quietly.

“What? Who?”

“Who do you think?” I asked quietly. “I have to talk to Kirk. Where is he?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know where he is, but I’m gonna go and kick that bastard’s ass. If he’s stupid enough to get engaged and cheat on you, he’s got another thing coming!” James roared and got up.

I laid my hand on his arm. “James, no. It’s no use and... I don’t want to be here alone. Could you, please, stay until Kirk comes? You don’t have to, but... it would mean a lot to me. I know we haven’t really talked much or anything, but...” I looked up at him and I thought I saw tears in his eyes. But maybe the tears in my eyes were affecting my vision. James didn’t cry.

He nodded, smiling a little. “Alright, I’ll stay. Do you want anything?”

“Alcohol.”

“I’ll get you some,” James promised. “Anything else?”

I shook my head. James walked to the kitchen and came back a short while later, carrying two glasses and a bottle of vodka. He sat down next to me, poured some vodka in the glass and offered it to me. I took the bottle instead and took a gulp. The alcohol burned my throat and made me cough. I felt James taking the bottle away from me.

“I don’t know if that’s wise. He’s not worth it. This isn’t you. You don’t drink. You’re rational and you think things through.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be betrayed like this.”

“Yeah, I don’t, but I’ve been betrayed before. You should read my lyrics sometimes.”

“You know I read them.” I almost felt offended.

“Yeah, the words come from my heart. And you are better than this. I really think that-”

“Gimme the bottle back, James,” I said, not wanting to hear what he had to say.

“Deborah, I-”

“Just give it back to me.”

He sighed and gave me the bottle. Why he did it, I didn’t know. At that point, I was just glad he did.

I must have drank a lot, and quite quickly, until James took the bottle away from me again. “I think that’s quite enough.” James placed the bottle on the floor and I tried to reach for it, but I fell down. Luckily, James caught me and lifted me up. “See? You can’t even get up. You’ve had enough.”

“You... You don’t understand,” I whispered and started to cry again. “He broke my heart. I loved him. I wish I had never fallen in love with him. It just hurts. Always. I wish I didn’t exist.”

“Listen to me,” he said, making me look at him, “First of all, never ever say that you wish you didn’t exist. That’s not… You shouldn’t say that. People can die just like that,” he snapped his fingers, and I thought of Cliff. I nodded. “And I’m probably not the right person to tell you this, but if he cheated on you, he wasn’t the right one for you. You’ll know who the right person is when you see him,” James said. I looked him in the eyes as he spoke. Then I knew. “But I do believe that you’re right. Love hurts... It... It hurts to love. It really, really hurts. It’s like... the worst pain you could ever imagine, but it’s worth it. If I could just... for a moment, pretend that the woman I love loves me back... and believe it, I would be the happiest man on the planet. But to know that that’s not going to happen... It hurts. It breaks my heart. Every single day.”

“Who is she?” I asked softly.

“It doesn’t matter. Not now,” James said and smiled a little bit.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re here and you mean a lot to... Kirk and you’re not doing that well...”

“Right...” We stayed quiet for a moment. “I think I know who the right one for me is...”

“Well, that’s good for you. If he’s really the right one, then everything will be perfect between you two.”

“Thanks,” I said, adding to myself that that would never work either. I was doomed. Always alone. Or in a relationship that ended in tears and broken hearts.

~*~*~*~*~

James had laid me down on the couch and he had put a blanket over me. He held my hand and occasionally stroked my hair gently. I cried here and there, but I felt like I had gotten over the worst already. For the time being.

I had my head on James’ lap and I was half-asleep as Kirk came.

“Hey, I-” Kirk started. I heard James shushing him and Kirk didn’t say anything more. I opened my eyes and saw Kirk disappear somewhere. James noticed I was awake and smiled at me.

“I’m gonna go get him and I’ll leave you two alone. He’ll be right here, okay?” I nodded and James carefully got up. After a few minutes, I heard the door close and Kirk came to me. He crouched down next to the couch and looked at me.

“What did he do?” He could see it had been him, he knew me so well. Or maybe James had told him.

“Cheated. In our bed,” I said and burst into tears again. Kirk helped me up and hugged me tightly.

“Not the first thing I should say, but have you been drinking?”

“Yeah, James gave me vodka.”

“I see. Now. I’ll get the stuff and you can talk to me.” Every time this happened, or every time I had relationship problems and came to Kirk about them, he grabbed some ice cream and cookies and we lay in bed eating them until I couldn’t cry any more.

“I don’t want to talk. I just want to be here... I can’t talk about it.”

“Okay, that works,” he said and walked me to his bedroom. We lay on the bed, side by side. He held my hand and looked at me softly. I wrapped my arm around him, nuzzled closer and closed my eyes.

“You’ll be fine. I promise,” he spoke softly. “Maybe not now, and maybe not in a while, but it’ll happen. And I will always, always be here for you.”
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ilovejaymz
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Both James and Kirk are so sweet :)
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Karla Hetfield
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Hey, nice to see an update!!!
James was so sweet to her on that moment... but I'm really digging the next one!!! *-* Can't wait! :D
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Thanks Naja and Karla :heart:

Here's the talk... Somewhat of a long chapter, hope you don't mind. ;) Please comment if you read & like (or don't :))


Part 44:

I went to look for James, but since he was, again, writing something, I didn’t say anything to him, wishing not to bother him. I walked back to the kitchen and decided to warm a lasagna I had prepared and frozen some days earlier. I turned the oven on, put the lasagna in and set the oven timer for 20 minutes. As I turned around, I noticed James leaning on the doorframe.

“You could have said something, you know,” he said, nodding his head toward Christina's room.

I shrugged. “I didn’t want to bother you, you were writing. I know you want to be alone then...”

“Yeah, well, you wouldn’t have bothered. I was just killing time,” he said, as if pointing the obvious.

“Didn’t know.”

“I know. So... Wanna talk?”

“Yeah. Dinner’s ready soon, though.” I pointed at the oven.

Everything was so awkward all of a sudden. I didn't know what he expected from me or what I was supposed to do or say or how I was supposed to act.

“Okay.” James was silent, looking at me, sometimes the oven. Finally, he broke the silence. “Look, I’m really sorry about before, I shouldn’t have-”

I held out my hand and he stopped talking. “I know. I’m not angry about that.”

“You’re not?” he asked, sounding surprised.

“No. Like you said, I would have told you sooner or later. While there are things in there that you necessarily don’t have to know about, I’m not angry. I don’t like that you read it, but you did.”

“Yeah. So... Can I ask you something?”

“I’m guessing it won’t stop you if I said no. Hasn’t before,” I said, not really thinking about what I was saying. I glanced at James and realized he looked hurt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that... I...”

“I know. It’s okay...,” he said, smiling. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, though.

“No, I saw your look. I hurt your feelings.” I was silent for a few seconds and then continued, not really certain if I should be saying these things to him or not. ”You know that this is difficult, and I just keep thinking if it’s worth it. I mean, we’re not gonna get anything back, nothing will be undone by this...”

“I thought you wanted this.”

“I do,” I said exasperated. “It’s not that, but...” I sighed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him everything. He looked at me, waiting for me to finish. Or begin. “Okay, fine, I’m scared. Even though this, our situation, sucks, yeah, I would rather have you in my life like this than so that we can’t even talk to each other.”

“Does it have to be either or? Why can’t we be friends, like, really be friends?”

“It hasn’t worked before. The last time we decided to be friends... You broke my heart. I don’t think I can have that happening again...”

“The situation was different then. And where’s this all coming from? I thought you wanted to work things out...”

He was still looking at me, waiting for me to talk. “I’m not really used to having you here. I know it’s already been a while that you’ve been here, but... There’s still something that says that you’re gonna go or something’s gonna happen that will mess this up. Like I said, I can’t have my heart broken again. I’m scared of trusting you... And I don’t know if things will be okay after we talk...”

James walked over to me and rubbed my arms while looking into my eyes. “Look. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to force you to talk to me if you don’t want to, but I think everything will be just fine after we’d talk. I mean, it’s not like before. Like... about that... woman.”

“I know that, but still... I’m sorry. I just have doubts about this.” I bit my tongue and tried to keep the tears away, but I couldn’t. I quickly walked past him and headed for the bathroom.

I shut the door behind me, locked it and James knocked on it a few moments later. “Please, open the door, Deborah.” I didn’t, I just stared at my reflection. “Okay, so, I don't really know what I should say. I’m sorry if I’m making this so difficult for you,” he said. “But it's not easy for me either.”

I looked at the door and thought about opening it. I chose not to, instead, I began crying, again. “I think this has gone too far,” James continued.

I wondered what he meant by that. I assumed that he meant that he was done with me; that he would leave me anyway, even though, he said he wasn’t going anywhere. I sighed. Why was life so difficult? Why was I so damn complicated and insecure and stupid and idiotic?

“Deborah, say something. Please?” he asked quietly.

“What am I supposed to say?”

“Anything. Just... Something,” he pleaded.

“Fine. Go.”

“What?!”

“If you don’t want to be here, just go,” I suggested.

Now it was his turn to sounds exasperated. “Who said I didn’t want to be here?”

“You.”

“When?!”

“You just said that this has gone too far.”

“Which doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to be here.”

“Oh.”

“Just, please, let me in or come out.” I didn’t reply to him, but couldn't help but think how childish of me it was to lock myself in the bathroom. “Deborah, I know you’ve been through a lot and I have made everything more difficult for you, and I’m sorry about that. When I said that this has gone too far, I meant that I think this is too complicated. We are making this too complicated. I know we have a lot to talk about, but we can get through it. I just think that all we need to do is to settle things and move on. If there are things you don’t want to talk about, then we don’t have to talk about them. At least, not just then, but when you’re ready. I’m also sorry about before. You looked so sad..., empty, fragile. I know I went too far and I’m sorry. You’re not ready to talk about it and that’s totally okay. It’s just that when I say that I don’t want to talk about something, I sort of wait for the other one to keep asking me to talk about it. Then I kind of think others are the same.” I began crying again, and James continued, “I wish you’d let me in. I can hear you’re crying and I’d like to comfort you. I don’t know if you want that, but I would...”

The oven-timer went on and James said he would go and take the food out of the oven. I nodded to the door and decided to go to my room while James was in the kitchen.

I walked out of the bathroom, but instead of going to my bedroom, I walked to the kitchen. “I’m sorry,” I said and stayed by the door. James mumbled something and didn’t look at me. He was right, we had let this go too far. I walked over to him, rested my cheek against his back and wrapped my arms around him. “This, my insecurity and stupidness and emotionality, is one of the things why no-one wouldn’t want to be with me,” I said quietly.

James turned around and looked at me. “What kind of a lawyer are you? Stupidness isn't a word.”

I laughed a little. “I think it may be used sometimes. But yeah, stupidity would be the correct term, I think.”

He smiled at me. “Just tried to get you to smile. Going back to what you said, you can’t honestly think no-one wants you.” I shrugged and said that I did think so. “Really?”

I nodded. “I, uh... I haven't told this to anyone, but I was seeing this guy in November, but he left me, because he didn’t like what I looked like. We weren’t really together, just... we've gone out a couple of times, but still. And that’s just one example. All the men I’ve been with, you excluded, have cheated on me, so, I must be so unattractive that they needed someone else to... do. I think you thought so, too. When you asked me out, you said that you had many... girlfriends, because you thought they were hot, so, I’m guessing, judging by your words, you didn’t think that of me. I mean, otherwise you would have done the same with me as you did with the other girls.”

He shook his head. “That’s not true, not at all.”

“Of course it is. What else might it be?”

“It might just be that the men you’ve been with, me included, haven’t been good enough for you and they’ve been stupid enough to let you down. And when you’ve felt that you’re not enough, no-one has straightened things for you, so, you’re left with the thought that you’re not good enough or that there’s something wrong with you.”

While he spoke, I had turned my gaze away from him, but he hooked his finger under my jaw, turning my head to him and made me look at him. “Sure, we all have our flaws, but I think that in appropriate amounts they’re just for the best. You are beautiful and hot, you really are. When I saw you for the first time, I thought that you were really sexy. I was actually about to come talk to you, offer a drink, you know, but I noticed that you were with Kirk and I couldn’t believe that he met you first. Then, when I talked to you, you seemed to be better than I thought anything or anyone could ever be... But you were taken, so, I didn’t do anything. Then you broke up with the guy and started going out with Kirk... I obviously couldn’t do anything then. And when that didn’t work out and after we came back from the tour, you had someone else. I cared for you more than I had ever cared for anyone, which was in a way weird, because I didn’t know you that well back then. And having you as a friend meant much more to me than a one-night stand with you would ever have meant. And since you were working with us, a one-night stand wouldn't have been the most practical thing to do. But the point is, I didn’t want to do what I always did, I wanted us, if there ever would be an “us”, to be special. And you remember that one time you came to Kirk’s after you’d found your boyfriend in bed with someone else?” I nodded. “I felt my heart breaking because yours had been broken. I would have wanted to be there for you, but you wanted Kirk to do that.”

I shook my head slightly. “You did that, too. I was glad you were there. And when you said that I’ll know who the right person is when I see him... That’s when I knew. It was you... But... You said that if he were the right one, everything would be perfect between me and him... It’s not perfect, it’s not. So... Maybe I was wrong.”

“No, I was wrong. And I can’t believe you remember that, you we’re kinda drunk...”

“Yeah, and who’s fault was that?” I asked. “Kidding,” I added as I noticed James was a little uncomfortable.

“Okay,” James said with a little laugh. “Anyway, I was wrong. It’s not supposed to perfect. Maybe it’s not supposed to be like it was before, but it’s supposed to be at least a little difficult. So that you have to keep fighting a bit to be able to be with your... person. If it’s perfect, it’s too easy and guess what happens then?”

“What?”

“The other one, or worse, both, starts to see each other as something that will be there, no matter what.”

“Did you start to take me for granted then?”

“Yeah, I kinda did. I mean... Just saying these things to you now, when it's way too late, I realize that I probably have never said some of these things to you. I may have mentioned that you're hot when we've been having sex or something, but... Man, that's not enough. My job was to make you feel beautiful, sexy... special. And I don't think I did that very well. But anyway, I was gonna say that I was scared that day. When I was going to ask you out for the first time. And on the day that I finally managed to ask you out. And on any day that I saw you. My heart began racing and I became nervous. You know how long it took for Kirk to convince me to ask you out? Or how many times I thought of doing it, but then backed out because I was afraid you’d say ‘no’ and we wouldn’t be able to be friends after that? I’m trying to say that I didn’t want to risk losing you from my life. And I didn’t want to do what I always did with girls. I wanted us to be special. You were everything I ever thought I’d want, and more. I felt like I could protect you and make you feel great. And you really made me feel a lot better, about everything. If anything was wrong, I could just talk to you and everything would be fine. You were something very special to me and I can’t stop blaming myself for ruining everything. And when you say that you’re disgusting... I don’t know why you say that. Are you referring to what you look like or-” I nodded. “Okay, so... Is it okay to continue?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“Alright. I shouldn’t say this, but I can see you’ve gained some weight. But I don't think that’s a reason for thinking you’re disgusting... Is it?”

“Part of it,” I shrugged.

“It shouldn’t be. When you’re pregnant, you gain weight. And hey, I wasn't pregnant and look at my stomach. It’s not like it used to be,” he said, grinning. I had to smile a bit, too. “And, honestly, I think you look better now than you did before. I thought you were a little too skinny then. I didn’t mind, but still... You’re so much more beautiful now. And also, when it comes to me, I don’t care what you look like. It doesn’t matter. You are beautiful to me no matter what. I don’t care if you look like... Lars, ‘cos I care much more what’s in your heart. And what’s in there... It’s amazing. And I also think the food’s getting cold. You hungry?” James finished, clearly not expecting me to answer him.

“Yeah, I am,” I said and felt a tear falling down my cheek, again. James brushed it away and smiled at me.

“That bad?”

“No... No,” I said. I brushed a few tears away and looked at him. “Thanks for saying all that. I don’t want to say respond right now, I think I’d start crying again, but thanks. It means a lot to me to have you here saying that kind of stuff.”

“That’s fine and no problem for being here. I’m thinking this is where I belong. With you.”

I felt yet another tear on my cheek. “Damn you. I haven’t cried this much in a long time,” I said and hugged James. We kept hugging for a while. “James?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll move in with you, if you still want me to.”

“Of course, I want that. I’d love to have you both there.”

“Yeah, I just want to have my own bedroom, I mean, I won’t be getting back together with you. I can’t do that. But we can be like roommates... Is that alright?”

“Whatever you want. Just to have you there will be more than enough after everything,” James said and kissed the top of my head.
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Shayniz21
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very good more!
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ilovejaymz
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Yay, finally they talked a little. There are still issues, but that was a step in the right direction :D

Loved it Minna :heart: :heart:
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Karla Hetfield
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James is sooo charming and cute. It was a great step she took here, accepting moving in with him. I know things will start going better from this, cause they'll see each other a lot living together and... things happen! :biggrin
thanks for the update!!! :wavey
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for commenting, Shay, Naja and Karla! :) :heart:

Oh, I do hope things will happen once they move in together, but... we'll see what kind of things actually end up happening...


But for the moment... It's house hunting.


PART 45:

James and I had spent the evening talking and we had managed to talk about many important things. We hadn’t gone too deep yet, for instance, we hadn’t talked about me dating that one guy, and I was very glad about that, because I did not want to talk about it at all. I know that he wanted me to tell him the whole story, but I wasn't ready to do that. Ultimately, we decided to let things calm down a bit and we'd talk more about everything once we were living together.

We had picked Sarah up from Mom’s the following morning and while we had been driving there, James had put a CD in the player and told me to listen to it. He didn’t tell me who were playing, but once the singer started to sing, I knew which band I was listening to.

Metallica.

The music was powerful and fresh; the lyrics were strong and quite meaningful, at least, in my opinion. I could sort of see, or in this case, hear the meaning behind the words. Well, it always seemed to me that I could do that. I wasn't sure if I interpreted the songs the way James had meant them to be interpreted, but at least I felt like I knew him well enough to know what he may have been referring to in certain lyrics.

James didn’t talk to me at all while I listened to the CD. He did, however, skip a few tracks to track number 9. The song sounded somehow different from the others. I also realized that I had heard it before. I even recognized some of the lyrics.

“You’ve done a good job with the lyrics. They speak to me,” I said a little into the song, which was entitled “The Unnamed Feeling”.

“It’s not me,” he said, “I mean, I’ve done some of the lyrics, but Kirk, Lars and Bob, too, helped. The whole album was kinda done together. You know, it wasn’t me and Lars doing the songs and then teaching them to Kirk and... Bob; it was all of us. We kinda just jammed and then listened to the song and worked on lyrics.”

“Well, either way, nice work. And I know these lyrics. I read them in the Presidio.”

“You did? When?”

“Before some meeting we had. Everyone was late, so, Kirk and Bob played me some songs you'd been working on. Kirk showed your notebook to me and I think the lyrics were in there. They’re yours, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, these are all mine... But the rest... Collaboration,” James said and gave me a smile.
“This part especially gets to me,” I said and looked at the cover booklet, “Get the fuck out of here, I just wanna get the fuck away from me, I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate, I hate it all, why? Why? Why me?” I thought about the lines for a moment and continued, “I don’t think I read this part before, but... It makes sense to me. I don’t know what exactly it was about, but... It sounds to me like it’s about you and your drinking.”

“No,” he cut me off, “It’s just about me. I’m not happy with who I am. I want to get away from that old me, though I guess that does have to do with drinking. I have anger management issues, I keep hurting the people I love... I hate a lot of things...”

“What kind of anger management issues?” I asked and looked at him.

“Uh... Some times when I’m angry I just... I punch things.” I gasped. I had no idea he did that. I'd never noticed. “It’s no big deal,” he said calmly. “I don’t hurt anyone, well, except me. Try, feel the back of my hand, around the knuckles,” he said giving me his hand. I ran my fingers over his knuckles, noticing that the skin was a little elevated at certain places. “I hit the wall. Literally.”

“James...” I didn’t know what to say.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.”

“But...”

“Deborah, it’s okay. Phil’s been helping me with that.”

“That’s good... I don’t really want to see you hurt yourself.”

He nodded. “I know. I don’t really like it when I do it, but it makes me feel better,” he said, correcting himself, “made me feel better.” He turned to give me a little smile. “Now the album, I know it’s a little difficult to get into, but if you listen to it more, you’ll kind of get it.” The conversation was over, it seemed.

~*~*~*~*~

James had left for HQ a short while ago; he was supposed to meet up with the others. We had agreed to go look at a couple of houses later and he had told me he would come pick Sarah and me up. Christina had just arrived and we walked into the kitchen to talk. I had put Sarah down for a nap just moments earlier, so she would be asleep for a few hours.

“So, what’s new?” she asked me as I was making us some coffee. She knew a lot of things were happening in my life at the moment. And since we hadn't seen each other in a while, we both knew we had some catching up to do.

“Well... We’re moving in together. We’re going to go look at houses later. Uhmm... I think I told you the basics of everything else yesterday,” I said and gave her a cup of coffee. “How’s the planning going? And you haven’t showed me the ring yet!”

“Sorry,” she said and grinned. She extended her arm to me and showed the ring. It was very simple, golden ring with a small diamond. Something I would have wanted to wear.

“It’s really beautiful,” I said, pushing the jealous thoughts aside.

“Aaand.. The planning. It’s not going. But I’m starting today. Dan said that I can do whatever I want, it doesn’t matter to him if the plates are flowery or plain white, as long as I’m standing next to him at the altar. But I’m gonna ask for his opinion anyway,” she said smiling, “And don’t you think that you can distract me with your subtle change of subject. Are you two back together?”

I shook my head. “No, we’re not. We’re just friends, who’ll be living together soon.”

“And you have a child together and you’re in love with each other...”

“Yep, that's us.”

“And you guys still haven't gotten back together.” She sounded surprised.

“We haven't and we probably won't.”

“Nah, you’ll end up together, mark my words. If I gambled, I’d be willing to bet that you’ll do that by the end of the year. Probably sooner.”

“Let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about the wedding.”

Christina was very often right about things. And about this... I didn't want her to be right. Or I did. I wasn't sure.

“Alright. I just thought I’d ask... Anyway, I brought these magazines,” Christina said and took a dozen magazines out of her bag. She had already flipped through the magazines many times; some of the page-corners were folded and she had post-its on the cover and between some pages. “I don’t know where to start, actually. It’s already so close... I mean, it’s in a few months... I’m actually freaking out.”

“Well, better to freak out now than at the wedding. First, I think you need to pick the place, date and people to invite.”

Christina nodded. “It’s going to be a small wedding, just closest family and friends.”

“Alright, so, the place can be small too, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, why don’t you make a list of people to invite and I’ll go get my computer and we’ll look at some venues, okay?”

“Yeah, that works. But I don’t know who Dan wants to invite...”

“It’s okay, make guesses, estimate the number roughly. You’ll ask him later,” I said and went to my office to get my laptop.

~*~*~*~*~

Christina and I had managed to plan quite a bit already; she knew quite well what she wanted the wedding to be like. We had narrowed the venue down to three options; she would ask Dan for his opinion and I had promised to book the chosen place.

I had tried to call James two or three times, it was getting a bit too late for us to go house-hunting, especially, if, or when, I needed to take Sarah with me.

When he finally called me, I was preparing dinner for Christina and myself.

“I’m gonna leave in a few minutes, are you two ready to go?”

“No. I have to feed Sarah, bathe her and put her to sleep. You’re too late, James, I’m sorry. You know that she’s one, she has to go to bed early.” I had been afraid this would happen. I thought that James knew by now not to leave things to the last minute, or rather to the evening, but I guess he'd forgotten or something like that.

“I’ll watch her,” Christina said.

“Hold on,” I told James and then turned to Christina, “Could you? It’s not too much trouble?”

She smiled at me. “Not at all, you two go.”

“Thank you,” I told her. “James? Christina agreed to watch Sarah and I’ll go with you, is that alright?”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” I said and put the phone down. “I’ll go get myself ready. Can you go play with Sarah?”

“Sure.”

James arrived while I was getting ready. I heard him talking to Christina, congratulating her and telling her she was lucky. I didn’t quite get what he meant by that, but I didn’t pay too much attention to that. I took my wallet and cell phone, put them in my purse and walked to the living room where James was playing with Sarah, as usual.

“So, you’ll give her-”

“Food, then bathe her and put her to sleep. Yeah. And when she’s going to sleep, she likes to have that yellow bear next to her and it helps if I have some soft music on,” Christina finished for me.

“Yeah, I guess you’re good... James, shall we?”

“Yeah, if you’re ready,” he said and got up from the floor.

“I am. Thanks, Christina. I’ll try to be back soon.”

“Don’t rush, take your time,” she said and gently pushed me towards the door, by which James was already waiting.

James and I walked to his car in silence. Once we were inside, he handed me a stack of papers.

“This is the first house we’re gonna go see,” he said and pointed to a picture of a huge, white house, or more like a mansion. “The rest of the houses are in order, so yeah... And I’m sorry I’m late. I didn’t realize it was so late or that Sarah would have to go to bed.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. Christina offered to help so... Besides, I don’t think that Sarah would be much help, at least, not when she’s just one. If she were older, then maybe.”

“True. Alright. Fasten your seatbelt and we’ll go then,” James said and started the car. I did as he advised and looked through the papers.

“You know... These are kinda expensive... I mean, well, it’s a house, but your current house cost way less than these do...”

“Yeah, I know, but these are bigger and better... And they have bigger backyards.”

“Is that necessary? I mean... Yours isn’t that small.”

“Yeah, but...,” he started and chuckled. I blushed as I, too, realized what my last sentence sounded like out of context. “Sorry. Uhhm... Anyway, no, it’s not that small, but if it’s bigger, Sarah can play there.”

“What’s wrong with your backyard? Why can’t she play there?”

“Oh no, she can, but... I just think that it will be nicer to have a big backyard. And the houses are bigger too, more rooms and all. Plus, I've already agreed to sell the one I have now, so...”

“James... Uhmm... I...,” I started, not knowing which words to use.

“Don’t want to move in with me after all?” he suggested. He glanced at me quickly.

“No. I do, but... I just... I don’t have the money to pay for houses like these... I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“You’re not paying, so, why worry?”

“But I can’t let you pay! I mean... We’re not talking about dinner, this is a house! It’s huge!”

“I know we're talking about a house. But I’m not taking your money.”

“James...,” I started.

“No. You just said it yourself, you don’t have money to pay for a house, so, I’m paying. What’s the problem?”

“I don’t want you to buy me a house.”

“I’m not. I’m buying me a house and you’re moving in with me.”

“But... Never mind.”

“No. What?”

“Well... I just... I wanted it to be my house, too... But... Well, that’s not happening, so... Never mind.”

“It’s going to be your house, too, Deborah. If you live in the house, it’s your house, as well.”

“But it’s not the same. It’s just me living in your house then.”

“Look. I’m buying the house either way. You just either live there or don’t. I’m not taking your money and it’ll be your house if you want it to be. Your choice.”

“Well... If it doesn’t matter to you, I guess-”

“It matters to me,” he said, sighing, “It matters to me a hell of a lot, but I don’t want you making this decision based on what I want. Choose what you want.”

“But I don’t want to be living on your money.”

“Well... What are you going to do then? I’m really not taking your money. I think I owe you, more than a house.”

“You don’t.”

“Yeah, I do. I really do. I know that I can’t undo everything by getting a house, but it will help. I think. You deserve to be happy. And I want to make you happy.”

“But you can’t make me happy by buying a house for me.”

“Let’s put it this way. I’m getting a new house, no matter what. If I can, on the side, make you happy, then I’m all for it. If not... Well, then, too bad. And if you really wanna get into a discussion about money, then fine. You haven’t let me pay anything for Sarah, except for the things I’ve bought for her. You won’t take my money. Usually the father gets to pay for some of the baby’s expenses.”

“Yeah, but Sarah’s not your problem.”

“You’re damn right she isn’t! She’s not a problem at all. Neither are you. Quite the contrary. I’d be happy to pay for her things, and for yours. But if you won’t accept my money, then... what can I do? Force you to take it? No... And you know... You said you were thinking about working for us again... That would just mean that you’d be getting money from me. That’s the same thing.”

“It’s not the same. If I work for you, you pay me for the effort I put into taking care of your things and so on. It’s... I do something for you and I get money in exchange. This isn’t the same thing.”

“Fine, what about this then? I'm the reason you had to quit your job. You lost a lot of money when you quit, because we weren't paying you anymore. What about all that money?”

“I chose to quit. It was my decision. If I had wanted that money, I could have worked for you. You don't owe me anything because I quit.”

“Why are you making this so difficult? Can’t you just let it go and let me do this?” he asked, sounding a little irritated. “It's not like I'm using all of my money on the house, Deborah. I can afford to get more than just one house, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”
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Karla Hetfield
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Things are not easy as I thought they would be! :blink:
Let's see how it will go... thanks for the update!!!! I'm waiting for more here! :wavey
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ilovejaymz
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She has a way of making things harder for herself and James.

I do, however, understand her, about the house. It wouldn't really feel like *my* house too, if i didn't pay something. But then again, after enough complaining, i think she made herself clear, that she don't want to live of of his money, and when he still wont accept money from her, it's his choice, and she's not just smooching ^_^

Still loving the story Minna :heart:
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ilovejaymz
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*Pokes Minna a bit* :wavey
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Thanks for commenting, Karla and Naja. And special thanks about the poke, Naja. Haha. I've been busy with work and to top it off, as soon as the weekend started, I got sick. So, yay... And I had to rewrite this chapter completely, so that took some more time. But now the weekend's over, I'm still somewhat sick and I have to go to work tomorrow. But I should be back with another update faster, since I don't think the next chapter requires much rewriting. :) Thanks for reading! :heart:


PART 46:

We arrived at the house a while later. It was much bigger and more beautiful than I had thought. The picture on the paper simply didn’t do it justice. The garden was wonderfully kept. There were two flowerbeds on each side of the driveway, as well as some bushes. I couldn’t see the backyard, but I imagined it was as gorgeous as the front yard, if not even more gorgeous. We got out of the car and walked to the front door. James rang the doorbell and a woman came to answer the door.

“Hi, James, nice to see you again,” she said and shook James’ hand. “You must be Karen,” she said to me, “nice to meet you, I’m Lisa Smith,” she said and extended her arm to me.

It took me a few moments until I figured out what I could tell her. “Deborah Walker, nice to meet you,” I said and took her hand.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were James’ girlfriend.” I let go of her hand and smiled at her, when in reality I suddenly just wanted to leave. They hadn't dated in months, or so James said, and still she thought I was Karen? “Shall we go in?” Lisa asked and moved away from the door, letting James and me in.

She walked us through every room and then took us to the backyard. I hadn’t really been able to concentrate on the house; I had just kept thinking about James and Karen. I had had the idea that they weren’t that serious with each other, or, at least, James hadn’t been. But if they had been getting a house together... Well, James had said that he had considered asking Karen to live with him, but why would he have told the real estate agent Karen's name? That made no sense.

I looked at the backyard. It was huge and there was a pool, a tennis court and a Jacuzzi. Lisa turned to James and smiled at him. “I’m going to go make a phone call and I’ll let you think and talk about this meanwhile. If this isn’t what you want, we’ll go see the next house.” James nodded and the woman left.

“What do you think?” he asked as if nothing had happened.

“I'm not sure...” I really wanted to be mad, to yell at him, but I had no right.

“Okay, so, what didn't you like?”

I looked at him, trying to determine if he was serious or not. “I didn't like the fact that she thought I was your ex-girlfriend and that you didn't correct her.”

“What difference does it make? And you are my ex,” he pointed out, sounding a bit harsh. And his tone of voice was suddenly cold.

“Yeah, I am. You're right.”

I looked at him for a moment before I spoke again. “I'll be in the car.”

I wanted to leave so bad, but I had no idea where we were. Well, I had a general idea. But even if I could find the address on the papers James had given to me, I didn’t feel like calling a cab and waiting for it then. I walked out of the front door, walked to James’ truck and since he hadn’t locked the doors, I opened the back door and got in the car.

~*~*~*~*~

After about five or ten minutes later, James came out of the house and sat next to me on the backseat. “I'm not quite sure I know what's going on... You're pissed at me because she thought you were Karen and because I didn't tell her that you're not her, but another one of my exes...?”

“No... Yes... I don't know.” I sighed deeply. “This is very complicated. I don't like it.”

“Neither do I.”

I glanced at him quickly. “Could you take me home?”

He shook his head.“No, I need to check out these houses. I've been delaying this long enough as is. But you can stay in the car if you want to.”

“I don't know if it's a good idea for me to move in with you...”

He let out a breath. “Well, I'm not forcing you to. I just asked you.” He was starting to sound angry. And he was raising his voice as he went on. “If you don't want to move in with-”

I laid my hand on his arm and he stopped talking. “Don't get pissed off, please.” He took a deep breath and nodded. “And it's not that I don't want to move in with you. I do. I want to, James. I think it would be good for you and Sarah. You have the right to spend time with your daughter, and likewise, she has the right to spend time with you. It's important for both of you to spend time together.”

“What about you and me?”

I could have given him a ten-minute speech about the importance of a child having both parents, not that I needed to remind James about that, but when he asked me the question, I had nothing. I didn't know what to tell him. I had tried not to think about that part of the story.

“Well, that's why I don't know if it's a good idea...”

He frowned at me. “What do you mean?”

“I'm not ready to even think about getting back together with you, so, I guess you're not going to wait forever. You'll find someone and just think how awkward it'll be for you to bring her home and introduce her to your roommate-slash-mother of your child-slash-ex-girlfriend.”

“I don't think that'll be a problem. I have made up my mind about who I want to be in a relationship with, and that's you. That's that. I don't want to start dating someone I don't know, that's just too much for me right now. And I don't want to start dating anyone other than you, so... Yeah. I'll accept it if you don't want to be with me and I-”

“I love you.”

He smiled at me. “I love you, too.”

“I mean, I don't want you to think that I don't want to be with you, I just-”

“Can't. Yeah, I've heard that before.”

“I'm sorry.” I didn't want to complicate his life, but I felt like that was all I did.

“I wish you'd tell me why.”

“Why I'm sorry?”

“Why you can't be with me.”

“It's not that simple.”

“Well, I'm not as dumb as I may appear.” I wasn't sure if he was upset or just joking with me.

“I... You don't appear dumb. I just... I'm really sorry, but I just can't talk about it right now. This isn't the time or the place, first of all, and... I just... I can't. I'm really sorry.”

He grabbed my hand and held it in his strongly. “You don't have to apologize. I'm just saying that... that I don't understand what's going on with you. All I can assume is that something’s happened to you, and whatever it is, I'm sorry it happened. I hope one day you'll trust me enough to tell me what it is.” He rubbed my hand with his and that small a gesture meant the world to me.

“You know, before I came to Florida to see you, Christina came to talk to me. She told me that you wanted to be with me. I didn’t believe her. I wanted to, but I just didn’t, because you had said that you didn’t want that. She told me you were, or are, trying to protect yourself, but that you’re also hurting yourself. She said you don’t want to feel close to me because you’re afraid you’ll get hurt again. And when you do that, you realize you have no-one. No-one to hug or no-one who would look after you. She said you want to feel safe, like you used to feel around me. She also said that you’re about to break. I can see that now.”

“She shouldn’t have done that,” I said softly. I knew that Christina was right, as was James, but I didn’t want her, too, meddling in.

“Yes, she should have. She was right to come talk to me. You don’t have to pretend to me. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

“I should be.”

“No, you shouldn’t. No-one should be.”

I was relieved he was arguing with me about this. I felt like I had to be strong, but I hoped that he could make me see otherwise. Because it was starting to be too much to handle. “I have to be strong, if I’m not, I’ll just break down... I have Sarah, I have to be strong for her... But... it’s really difficult.”

“You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s fine that you’re not strong all the time... You’re not alone in this, you have me and Kirk... and Christina and, you know... This... I mean, us... It can still work out...”

“James, please, don’t do this. I really can’t take it,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry,” he replied quietly..

“Christina knows me well... Perfectly, really. And yeah, she is right about... all that. But still...”

“This isn't the time or the place...”

“Yeah. I mean, we're looking at houses... I bet the real-estate agent is already waiting for you, so, maybe we should leave this for now.”

“I think the correct word is 'us', as in she's waiting for 'us', not just me. This will still be your house as well.”

“I'm glad you're willing to do that for me.”

“Like wise. If we're gonna get going, come sit with me in the front,” he said and got out of the car. I did the same and sat next to him on the front seat.

James started the car and we drove to the next house.
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