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Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001-
Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,645 Views)
Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Of course it me... right? And for me they should stop talking the talk, and should start walking the walk... :P I feel they are going around circles... I think James is scared of scaring her off, and he is being very patient, but he'll get tired. For men sex is not the same than for women.

I love your style! :horns2
Edited by Lilith, January 23, 2012, 7:11 pm.
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ilovejaymz
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Poor Twisted Me
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Voxx
January 23, 2012, 2:11 pm
I'm so looking forward to the next update, where they (will hopefully!!) finish the conversation and we'll really get to hear Deborah's thoughts on the whole situation, because I feel like we've mostly heard James' so far.
Yes! I am looking much forward to hearing her side of all this.
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for all your comments, Stephanie, Alma and Naja!! :heart:

@Stephanie, I think you're right in what you say about James showing how he's changed. I think it was the time for him to be the mature one for a change. It has normally been Deborah. But even if James can act maturely now, doesn't mean that he will keep doing that... There's more to come from Deborah still, and James has a thing or two on his chest, and eventually we'll get to the part where those things will come out.

@Alma, first thanks for the ideas/inspiration, again! Some of them will appear in the story later on. Maybe. And I think you're right about James being afraid of scaring Deborah off, for sure. I wonder if he'll do anything about that...

But well, bah, here it is, the next update. I decided I was being too critical and figured I'd just post it to get it out of the way haha. Let me know what you think. :)


Chapter 56:

I cleared my throat. “Well... Anyway, I can... We can talk about it if you want.”

He nodded. “Let's.”

“Okay...,” I started, taking a deep breath.

I honestly didn't want to talk to him about this, because I had always been insecure about sex. Especially with him. He'd been with, god, hundreds of women, at least, and I'd been with a handful of men. I didn't understand how he could be happy with me. Or satisfied. Well, I guess he wasn't. And the things I had to tell him now... I'd never told them to anyone. And I sort of wanted to keep it that way. But I couldn't. Not anymore.

“So... Umm... The last time I've had sex was with you when... Sarah... Well, you know. And... Well, after that happened, right after, you broke up with me. So, it felt like you used me. And... Even though we've talked about you and the woman.” I stopped talking as he groaned a little. “You wanted to talk about this. I'm not trying to pick a fight here.”

“I know,” he said, sighing, “I just thought that was history.”

“It is. I mean... I'm... I guess I'm okay with that having happened. I'm not blaming you. But I was just going to say that I'm... still... well, haunted by that. Just... having sex, or thinking about it, reminds me of that, and of what's happened to me before, how I've been cheated on. By everyone. I just... I see those kinds of things in my eyes all over again...”

“I had no idea,” James said and looked away from me. “And the part about me using you? What's that all about?”

“That’s something I haven’t told anyone. Ever,” I said quietly.

“Right... So, you’re not going to tell me either?” He sounded disappointed. Again.

“No, I will. It's about time we talked about these things,” I said. “No-one knows I feel this way. It hasn’t been nice.”

“I can imagine... If you feel that I’ve used you and you've had to see me every day... And if you even were, or are, in a relationship with me... I guess I just don’t understand why you haven’t told me that before... Or why you got back together with me...”

“Well, it’s not that easy... I’ve found it hard to talk about... And I've dealt with it the best I've been able to. But what happened tonight sort of brought it back again. I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t apologize...,” he said and looked up at me. He brushed my hand with his thumb gently. “If I’ve made you feel that way... I should apologize, again. I swear, I have never meant to use you.”

I gave him a little smile and took a breath to calm myself. “It's just that... The last time we had sex... It had been a while since we'd had sex the time before and... We had sex and then you left me right after that. It felt like you had used me. Just that you have sex with me and you are done with me right after that. And then tonight? You left when things didn’t go your way. Actually, that’s not just now... But, either way, it wasn’t nice. And it felt like you were just trying to get what you wanted and when you couldn’t, you got upset...”

“I wasn’t using you. I just... I remembered that we were supposed to break up and... I just said it. Maybe I should’ve done it earlier, or a lot later, but... my intention was never to first have sex and then break up, I swear. I am really sorry. I had no idea you felt that way,” he said. “Why didn’t you say anything then?”

“If I had said anything about that, you would have said that you weren’t using me. Had you or had you not been using me. If you had been using me, you would have felt bad that I realized it and you would have denied it. So, I wouldn’t have known either way.”

He nodded. “Right... Well, that does make sense, I guess. But I still wasn’t using you, I really wasn’t. I swear. I realize that the timing for that was horribly wrong, but I just thought that...”

“I know. I just wish you hadn’t said that. I mean, well, that’s when I got pregnant, obviously, and... Maybe this all would be different. You would have seen Sarah being born... I could have been there for you when you were in rehab... You wouldn’t have slept with that woman...”

“Yeah. Everything would be so different,” James agreed softly. I just shrugged.

Once again, I didn't really know what to tell him. I wished, practically every single day, that I had gone to see him earlier or that I had put my foot down and told him that we weren't breaking up. Something. I hated how things had gone.

“Listen, there is something that's bothering me,” James said. I turned to look at him. “Um... I don't know if I should even bring this up, but I've noticed that you've changed. I mean... You're so insecure. It's... Or.. I don't always know how to act around you. Things have been better since Christina's wedding, but I don't know. It just bothers me, because you didn't... you weren't like that before.”

“I'm insecure around you because... well, honestly, because I don't know what you're going to do. I know it's stupid to think about the old James, but there are so many things that I haven't told you. And I'm really sorry that I haven't, but I've tried before and either you've gotten pissed off at me because of that or then you've made me feel like shit. And I try to not let that happen again. So, I stopped trying to talk to you about those things. And it's not all that's happened in the past, it's... you still do things that make me think that maybe you're not telling me everything. Like tonight. You just... left. You looked angry and I thought you were angry with me because you didn't apologize. You called me and sent me texts, but not once did you say, “I'm sorry”. And that hurt. Okay, so, you did come to see me, but that took you hours. I understand that you wanted to clear your head or whatever, but... being in my shoes wasn't exactly a trip to the park. It wasn't fun. It was hurtful.”

“You should have told me about this.”

I sighed. “I know. And I've tried... God knows I've tried... It hasn't been easy. For either one of us, I know that.”

“Yeah.” I noticed James stifle a yawn. It had been a long day for him. I realized that I was quite sleepy, too.

“Do you think we can still work this out? Or, maybe I should ask, do you still want to work this out?”

I wanted, needed to know what he thought, after what I'd told him. I was expecting him to tell me that he was done. Which really was one of the reasons I hadn't spoken to him about these things before. But I hadn't wanted to let him go. I still didn't. But since he had been thinking about us taking a break and since he wasn't happy in the relationship... I really didn't have any other option except to talk to him about these things.

I still hadn't told him everything, and neither had he, and I'm sure we both knew that we had a lot more ground to cover before we'd be okay again, if we'd be okay again, but I really needed to know if things were going anywhere, or if this was it for us. That we'd just be friends and nothing more.

“I do. On both accounts,” he told me. “I really do.” He sounded honest, and he looked honest – he was looking at me straight in the eyes, which was something he didn't do if he was lying.

I nodded. “Okay. Then come to bed with me.”

“What?” He was still looking at me, but now he looked doubtful.

I bit my lip, shook my head and stood up. “Nevermind.” I could practically feel the insecurities coming back to me, once again. I felt stupid for thinking that he'd want to share the bed with me, he quite obviously didn't.

“This is exactly what I meant,” he said softly, pulling me to him. He sat me on his lap. “I didn't mean that I wouldn't want to come with you, I'm just not sure what you were asking from me. Deborah honey, what can I do to make things better? Tell me, please,” he begged.

I shrugged and shut my eyes tightly, as I felt tears forming. I really didn't want to cry in front of him. Not tonight. Not anymore.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer so that my head was resting against his chest.

“I love you,” he whispered, bending a little to kiss my forehead. “I wish those, or any other string of words, held some magic, just a little bit, so that I could make you believe that I do love you.”

“I believe you.”

“I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure if I believe that. Because... All of these insecurities that you seem to have... I don't know if they're because you don't think I care, or if you think that you're not good enough, or that you don't trust me, but...” I thought of replying, but I really wished that I didn't have to do that. I was just about to open my mouth, when James spoke again, “But look, I think we've talked enough for tonight. Why don't we continue tomorrow or some other time and go sleep like you suggested?”

I nodded and got up. I started walking to the bedroom, but James pulled me to him and hugged me. His hand made soothing circles over my back and I started to relax a little bit.

He pulled back after a moment, slung his arm over my shoulders and walked me to the bedroom.

He said he'd go brush his teeth but that he'd come to bed soon. I just nodded at him. I felt like I didn't have the energy to talk any more. I pulled the covers back, got in bed, lay down and pulled the covers back up. I lay on my side, with my back toward the center of the bed, as I was setting my cell phone to wake us up in the morning.

James came out of the bathroom, walked over to the bed, turned the light off and apparently went to sleep. I turned onto my back and glanced at him. He was laying on the bed with his back to me. He hadn't even said 'good night'.

I almost reached out to him, to touch his back gently, but refrained from doing so. Maybe he didn't want to sleep in the same bed with me.

You're being stupid, I told myself.

I moved a little closer and wrapped my arm around him. His hand quickly found mine and before I knew it, we were holding hands.

“Wasn't sure if you'd be okay with us sleeping like this,” he said quietly.

“Could've asked.”

“Mm...”

I kissed his shoulder, nuzzling closer. “Good night, James.”

“Good night, sweetie.”
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, October 15, 2012, 6:03 pm.
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Aw! :heart: He was sweet and understanding. I feel they got a bit closer, I hope now he understands how much she needs reassurance about his feelings to be able to trust and open with him.
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Voxx
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If anything this chapter just proves that sometimes people's insecurities are unfounded. That's not to say that people don't have valid reasons for having them. But, communication with your partner is always better than keeping it all bottled up inside. I'm so glad that Deborah was able to tell James about her insecurities about sex. What's more I'm glad that James the good sense enough to actually listen. and not just tell her she's being silly and insecure and he apologized, which is I think it key. Again, I think it's a mark of how much he has grown since rehab.

I loved how at the end, Deborah moves past her insecurity about whether or not he wants to be touched and she reaches out for him. It's more than just physical and I think it's helps them to connect emotionally too; especially after such an emotionally charged discussion.

Loved it!

As usual, can't wait for more. I really have no idea where it will go from here.
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Lilith
January 31, 2012, 8:12 pm
Aw! :heart: He was sweet and understanding. I feel they got a bit closer, I hope now he understands how much she needs reassurance about his feelings to be able to trust and open with him.
Thanks for commenting! :heart:

I think James has something planned, as I think he does understand how much reassurance Deborah needs. :)

Voxx
February 1, 2012, 8:50 pm
If anything this chapter just proves that sometimes people's insecurities are unfounded. That's not to say that people don't have valid reasons for having them. But, communication with your partner is always better than keeping it all bottled up inside. I'm so glad that Deborah was able to tell James about her insecurities about sex. What's more I'm glad that James the good sense enough to actually listen. and not just tell her she's being silly and insecure and he apologized, which is I think it key. Again, I think it's a mark of how much he has grown since rehab.

I loved how at the end, Deborah moves past her insecurity about whether or not he wants to be touched and she reaches out for him. It's more than just physical and I think it's helps them to connect emotionally too; especially after such an emotionally charged discussion.

Loved it!

As usual, can't wait for more. I really have no idea where it will go from here.
Thanks for your comment, too! :heart:

Isn't it ironic, though, that Deborah's been the one to tell James that they should be open with each other, not keep secrets or simply refrain from telling each other how they feel?

I think that (more of) Deborah's insecurities will come up later, too, and we'll then see if they are unfounded or not. And yes, I also think that them sleeping together like that will help out somewhat in the future. But will that be enough?

(I also have no idea where the fic will go haha. No, I have some ideas.)

I'm hoping to update sometime next week. I have a busy weekend ahead of me and I don't think I'll have enough time to write up an update, though, I hope I'm wrong. :)

Thanks for commenting, again! :heart:
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ilovejaymz
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Once again well written :)

Voxx kinda said it all, so i won't repeat it ^_^

Loved it :heart:
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Again, thanks for commenting, Alma, Stephanie and Naja! :heart:

I finally had enough time to finish this update, and more or less finish the next two or three updates. So, without further ado, here's the next one. Let me know what you think! :)


Chapter 57:

“So... What happened that night?” James asked me. We had been talking about my insecurities and I was now attempting to tell him about my encounter with a certain man I had been trying to date some time ago.

I closed my eyes and thought about that night. At the same time, I told James about what had happened.

The man winced at me. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” I wished I hadn’t suggested anything. I mean, a night together after three dates? But maybe it just wasn't a good night for him.

“You’re nice and all, but... I don’t think you’re sexy enough. Kissing is fun, but other stuff... The thought of it makes me sick, really. It’s really beyond me how you have managed to have a kid with anyone...”

Or... It was something like that.

I didn’t know what to say, or what to think. I stood up without a word, took my purse from the floor and walked over to the front door. I walked out of his house in a trance of sorts.

I came to when I reached my apartment. I had no recollection of driving there, but there I was. I sat in the car for a while. James was inside with Sarah, and I didn’t want to see either of the two.

Was it possible that James thought the same way about me? Of course, it didn’t matter – we weren’t seeing each other. But if it made him sick just to look at me... Well, then he probably wouldn’t mind if I didn’t go in.

My cell phone began ringing. I looked at the screen and saw James’ name blinking there. I stared at the cell phone for a few moments until I answered.

“Hey.”

“Hi, were you planning on coming inside?” James asked.

I closed my eyes for a moment and whispered, “Yeah.”

“Are you okay?” I glanced at my living room window and saw him standing there. He smiled a little as he realized I was looking at him. I turned to look away. “Did something happen?”

“Do you mind if I go for a drive?” I asked, not answering his questions.

I was so confused. I couldn’t make a difference between me and him and me and James. It was like they became the same person in my head and all of a sudden it was James that had said those things to me. I knew it wasn’t, but somehow I just thought that he thought the same about me.

“Go ahead. She’s asleep already.”

“Okay, I’ll be back later,” I said and hung up.

I started the car and drove away.


“You know... I remember that night,” James said. “I wish you'd have come inside. Told me what happened.”

“I wouldn't have told you. Because it felt like you were him. Which I know is crazy, but... I just... I don't know.”

“I don't think it's crazy. I think it's a reasonable thought, incorrect, but reasonable. All those things you mentioned before... Me falling asleep after sex, after I'd been satisfied, regardless of how you were feeling... Or me ignoring your feelings... I'm sure I've contributed to those feelings you had then... Of you not being desirable. And I'm sorry about that. All of that.”

“It's not your fault,” I told him. He started to open his mouth to disagree, but I continued quickly, “Yeah, you've probably contributed, but that night... it wasn't you. It was him. He was an ass.”

“I'd probably use another term, but yeah, he was.” He looked at me for a moment, as if thinking about what to say. “You said that you thought maybe I thought of you like that guy did. And I didn't. I never have and I never will. I know I probably haven't always acted as if that were the case, and I'm sure there will be times when I'll make you doubt this, because... I can be an ass, too. But I'm trying to work on that,” he waited for a moment, and continued, smirking, “And I'm always up for kissing and the other stuff. Pun intended.”

I laughed a little. “You're pretty awesome, did you know that?”

“I love you, too,” he responded. I smiled at him warmly. What had I done to deserve him?

“Do you know where I went to that night?” I suddenly asked him.

He looked a little baffled. “Well... No, I don't.”

“I... I went to our viewpoint,” I told him. He smiled a little. It wasn't a special place, really. Just some place that we had gone to a lot, especially before he had left for tour. It wasn't a popular spot, or maybe it was undiscovered by many people, but the view was nice. “I didn't even realize. I just drove and suddenly I was there. And when I was there... I still kept having these doubts. I remembered you'd taken me there after our second date. And I remember that the first time you told me that you love me was there. But the next day... You left on tour without telling me anything. Well, I mean, I knew you were leaving. But not so much as a goodbye or... I never said anything, because... I thought that maybe you regretted what you'd said, or-”

“No. This one I have to say I don't remember. So, I can't tell you why I didn't call you or anything. But I can tell you that I have never regretted telling you that I love you, and every time I've said it, I've meant it. If anything, I've regretted not telling you I love you more often.”

I just nodded at him. “Could you do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Can you take me to our viewpoint? Or... can you go there with me?”

“Of course. Go grab your stuff and then let's go. We need to go get Sarah from your mom in two hours.”

~*~*~*~*~

I got out of the car and put my jacket on. James got out of the car, too, and walked to me. He was still keeping his distance, I noticed, and he was pretty quiet. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets and he was standing a few feet away. He had been like that since that night in Los Angeles. Except when I had cuddled up to him that one night.

But he hadn't made the first move. Even though we had spoken about my insecurities, I didn't want to ask him about this one. I was afraid of what he might answer, and I didn't want him to feel like he should hold me close.

But maybe I was being stupid again. It was more than likely that he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable and that he was keeping his distance because of that, wasn't it?

I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. His hands came out of his pockets quickly, pulling me closer by my hips.

“Are... Are you okay?” I asked him tentatively. I had been talking about my issues for the better part of the day and he had responded to my worries, but he hadn't really said anything about himself.

He shrugged a little. “What is it?” I asked him.

“Are you okay with... If I want to kiss you or hold you or...?”

I smiled at him. “Thank you, James. For listening, for understanding, for being patient.”

“Well, thank you for allowing me to do those things.”

“And yes, I am. I'm okay with you kissing me, holding me, touching me... Just... I'm not ready to have sex. Not yet and I'm really s-”

He pressed his lips on mine quickly, shutting me up. After he withdrew from me, he rested his forehead on mine. “Don't you dare finish that sentence.”

“Okay.”

“I love you,” he murmured.

He sucked on my top lip gently as his hand slid under my shirt, his fingers drawing circles on my lower back. I felt butterflies in my stomach and felt my knees go weak. There was so much emotion in that kiss, I couldn't believe it.

He slowly withdrew from me, placing a short kiss on my lips and another on my cheek.

“I love you, too,” I told him.
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, February 12, 2012, 4:55 pm.
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Alright so I saw you had updated and I got really excited and I clicked the link and then my kitten bounded across my laptop (he has a thing about laptops, he has to press all the buttons or sit right on the keyboard and watch the mouse) and the page scrolled to the very bottom and I saw the last line and while i was REALLY happy about it, my kitten completely spoiled it for me!! :lol:

But about the chapter...

One of the things I love about your writing is that you seem to really think about the dialogue. It seems thought out and realistic. While I'm reading I can picture them sitting down and really talking to each other. It doesn't seem completely far fetched, it actually seems like these are the lives of two real people and we just happen to be privy to their most intimate conversations. Love it! So good! :heart: :heart:

The guy she was dating... what an asshole. I mean really, if you're trying to insult someone, what he said is probably the meanest thing he could have possibly said. I read it and my jaw honestly dropped. I was shocked! I mean it's no wonder she's insecure! The poor woman. My heart really went out to her after I read the flashback. I really hope James can help her feel wanted and beautiful again. And I'm happy she said those words at the end of the chapter. It looks like they're making progress towards becoming a real family :)

Don't keep us waiting too long for the next update! :biggrin :heart:
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Voxx
February 12, 2012, 4:59 pm
Alright so I saw you had updated and I got really excited and I clicked the link and then my kitten bounded across my laptop (he has a thing about laptops, he has to press all the buttons or sit right on the keyboard and watch the mouse) and the page scrolled to the very bottom and I saw the last line and while i was REALLY happy about it, my kitten completely spoiled it for me!! :lol:

But about the chapter...

One of the things I love about your writing is that you seem to really think about the dialogue. It seems thought out and realistic. While I'm reading I can picture them sitting down and really talking to each other. It doesn't seem completely far fetched, it actually seems like these are the lives of two real people and we just happen to be privy to their most intimate conversations. Love it! So good! :heart: :heart:

The guy she was dating... what an asshole. I mean really, if you're trying to insult someone, what he said is probably the meanest thing he could have possibly said. I read it and my jaw honestly dropped. I was shocked! I mean it's no wonder she's insecure! The poor woman. My heart really went out to her after I read the flashback. I really hope James can help her feel wanted and beautiful again. And I'm happy she said those words at the end of the chapter. It looks like they're making progress towards becoming a real family :)

Don't keep us waiting too long for the next update! :biggrin :heart:
I'm sorry Figuro spoiled the ending for you! But obviously, you can't really blame him, cats are predators and he would naturally have to hunt the mouse ;) Really... It's your fault for using a computer that has a mouse. :biggrin I mean, what can the poor kitty do?

And thank you! :heart: Yes, dialogue is what I probably pay the most attention to. Occasionally I feel like I need more descriptions, but dialogue, always, is the one thing that I will correct and recorrect, and correct again and so on.

I hope they'll make some progress, too, but well... We'll just see what happens.

I'm working on another update, hope to have it up within the next couple of days. I just have to decide if I'm going to take road A or road B with the rest of the story... We'll see.
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ilovejaymz
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Yay, finally she got it out :D .. now, there's only one way, and that's forward :D
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for your comments, Stephanie and Naja :heart: and I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting for an update for so long. I've been super busy with school stuff, both in terms of working and studying, and I've been having some motivational issues too. And a tiny case of writer's block haha.

But anyway, yesterday (when I was using my laptop for something that WASN'T writing my thesis haha, which hasn't happened in about a month!) I just decided that what the hell, I'll post something and see what happens. So, here I am.

Let me know what you think. :) Hope you like this (so far at least)

PART 58:

It was the end of May and Metallica had just finished playing four warm-up gigs, for their fan club members, at the Fillmore, before they would take off for their summer tour. I had gone to two of the gigs with Darryl. Unfortunately, I hadn't been able to go to the other two gigs, because I didn't want to leave Sarah alone for those two nights, too. Or well, I didn't want to leave her to be with a babysitter for four nights in a row. The two nights we'd been away, we had “loaned” Sarah to Christina and Dan.

Christina had told me they were thinking about having kids and being with Sarah gave them good practice. Besides, Sarah liked spending time at Christina’s, so, it was a win-win situation, really. They had actually bought Sarah some toys to have there, and as Sarah didn’t have them at home, she was happy to play with them while she was with Christina.

Darryl had moved to San Francisco as well, just like Dan. Not for the same reason as Dan had, though; but Darryl worked for a company that needed someone to supervise the San Franciscan office, and he was offered the job. He gladly took it; the salary was higher than in his old job and he didn’t have to fly from San Diego to San Francisco all the time (he and Dan tried to meet at least twice a month).

On the second night Darryl and I were at the Fillmore, James had promised Darryl he could go backstage and meet the rest of the band. The meeting had gone great; Darryl didn’t act as he had when he had first met James, instead, it was like he had known the guys forever, he was comfortable around them. The guys seemed to like Darryl, too, Lars even asked him for his opinion on the set lists; Darryl was allowed to pick out songs that they would play. Darryl got to see the guys warm-up and Gio escorted us to the rail, just in time to see the guys get on stage.

Anyway, James and I were doing well. I was still a bit cautious about what happened between us, but because James now knew why I didn’t want, or was unable, to go further, it seemed that I worried for nothing. He had been good. Very good, actually. He seemed to remember what I had told him before about the things that I had been disappointed with in our relationship before, and he had taken the hint. He sent me text messages during the day, brought me flowers, whispered nice things into my ear when we were out with Sarah and so on.

He had balanced his family time and Metallica time very well – he spent about 5 hours in the studio and the rest of his day with Sarah and me. One could say that wasn’t well balanced, but it was important to James to spend as much time as possible with us as he was going on tour for a while. Besides, having a steady schedule helped him, too. He had said that it didn’t leave him much time to even think about drinking, much less to actually do it. And as things were good between us and between James and the guys, he didn’t even want to drink.

Metallica were scheduled to play 13 gigs in Europe in June. James had asked me to go to Europe with them, but I had refused to go as it would have gotten too difficult to take Sarah with me and I didn't know how she would react to flying and traveling so much, especially on a tight schedule. And I didn't want to leave my daughter with someone while I went to Europe with James. I knew James wasn’t happy about my decision, and to be honest, I wasn’t either, but James had told me that he understood why I couldn’t go. He had promised to call me every day, though, and I knew that would make it easier for both of us.

I was slightly worried about how Sarah would react to James not being there. James often put Sarah to sleep at night and it seemed to me that Sarah's favorite time of the day was the time when James came home from the studio and devoted at least half an hour or an hour to Sarah. They played together, listened to music, went out to play, anything he could think of, but the most important thing was that it was their time. But it really worried me, not knowing how Sarah would react to James' sudden absence.

What also worried me was alcohol. I mean, it was one thing for James to be in a familiar setting, at HQ, with me, with Sarah, and I know that even though he hadn't drank in a while, he was tempted. And I was certain that he would be even more tempted when he was on the road, when, undoubtedly, the guys would be drinking, too.

~*~*~*~*~

James had wanted us to spend a nice day together before he would leave for London. Their plane was going to leave in the late afternoon, that way they would apparently arrive in their hotel in the evening, London time, and they would be able to go to sleep there straight away, thus hopefully avoiding the jet lag.

James and I had spent the morning with Sarah, and Christina had picked her up around noon. James, I guess, had arranged Christina to take Sarah, either so that he could spend some time alone with me, or because he didn't want Sarah seeing him leave. Or both.

I still had some packing to do, and since James had told me to put something nice on, I had gone upstairs to finish packing. Christina, Sarah and myself were going to take a little vacation, to keep Sarah's mind off the fact that her father wasn't home, and go to check up on Christina's parents' cabin upstate.

But anyway, after I had managed to finish packing and dressing up, as James had requested, I went downstairs. I had no idea what he had been planning, but once I got downstairs and to the patio, I understood. He had ordered caterers to serve us a fantastic dinner. They had set up their stuff in our kitchen, and on the patio, they had brought a small round table, on which they had laid a white tablecloth and some candles. A romantic meal for two.

After the dessert, a heavenly chocolate cake, James told me to go wait for him in the living room. I did so. He seemed to be clearing the plates and mainly getting everything inside from the patio. He soon came to the living room, though. He had a lighter with him and he lit some candles that had been placed on tables. James dimmed the lights and put on soft music. He then walked to me, wrapped his arms around me and looked at me.

“Wanna dance a bit?” he asked softly.

“Sure,” I replied smiling. “This doesn’t happen often, so, ... Carpe diem, I guess,” I said, laughing a little.

James and I danced for a while, until he glanced at his watch and noticed that he needed to leave soon. We stopped dancing and I was going to pull back from him, but he held me close and looked me in the eyes.

“What?” I asked, sensing he was going to say something. “Oh, and thanks for dinner, by the way. It was just lovely.”

“No problem, it was fun,” he said. He moved a bit and still looked me in the eyes. “I have to leave soon. It’ll be a month, like you know... but you know that I’ll miss you so much.”

“Yeah, I know. And I’ll miss you, too. And Sarah will miss you, as well.”

“Yeah. You also know that I love you and I want you to be happy,” he continued.

“Yeah... I could say the same, but then it would just feel like I was repeating what you’re saying...”

He chuckled and brushed away a lock of hair that had fallen down on my face. “I know that what you want the most is a happy family and a great husband. The family part is done, I believe, but I don’t think, and I certainly hope, that you don’t have a husband yet... Now, I don't know if I'd make a great husband, or even a decent one, but I can promise to try my hardest. So, since this means so much to you,” he said and got down on one knee, took my hand, never looking away from my eyes, “will you marry me?”

~*~*~*~*~

“Call me dumb or whatever, but I don’t want to get married. Just look at what they’re going through,” he said and nodded toward the TV. “It’s just ridiculous... Half of all marriages end in divorce anyway, what’s the point?”

“Yeah...”

“What are the chances of anyone finding ‘the one’, anyway? Isn’t it more likely that you meet someone and just get used to them? And jeez, kids. That’s like... That’s even more dumb than getting married. Why would anyone want kids? You don’t want any, do you?” he asked quickly and turned to look at me.

I shook my head quickly, “No.”

“Thank God.”
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ilovejaymz
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Poor Twisted Me
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I guess the last part was an old conversation.. at least i hope it is.

Oh i hope she says yes.. i sincerely hope that work and school won't take to much time, so we have to wait for the answer.. i really loved this part, so sweet :heart:
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Tallulah
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Bad Seed
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This is great and very sweet! I like this so far. Update soon? :)
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for commenting, Naja and Tallulah! :) Nice to get a new reader! (And to see some of the old ones are still reading, of course!) :heart:

Here is the next part, posting this just as my lecture's starting. :] And I'm sorry in advance. Let me know what you think, though!


Part 59:


He took a ring out of his pocket. I loved the ring instantly. And I most certainly loved James even more, because he was willing to do this, when he really didn’t even want to get married, that I knew. I got down on my knees, so that we were on the same level. I kissed him softly on the lips and rested my forehead against his. “Was that a yes?” he asked, whispering. I pulled away from him with tears in my eyes. “Honey...,” he started, “I... really... Will you marry me?”

“No,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, but... no.”

James nodded and got up. “That’s alright. I... I’m just gonna go put the rest of the dishes away and... I have to leave then.” He walked away. I couldn’t believe what just had happened. I got up, too, crying now, and walked after James.

I found him sitting by the table, with his face buried in his hands. I sat down next to him and wrapped my arm around him. He shook it away. “Please, don’t. It’s fine. You don’t have to explain or anything.”

“But I want to,” I said softly.

“Well, I don’t want you to. Just let it go,” he said strongly.

“No, I-”

“Look,” he interrupted me, “When you haven’t wanted to talk about something, we haven’t. Now, I don’t want to talk about this, so, let’s not, okay? The truth is I'm relieved.”

I nodded. I hadn't thought he'd meant it, the proposal. “I guess that’s fair,” I said, quietly. I didn't know what to think. On one hand, I was hurt that he had proposed to me when he hadn't even wanted to marry me. On the other, I was touched that he was wiling to do that, and even more touched that he had been honest in telling me that he was relieved I'd said no. I wiped away the tears from my cheeks.

“Yeah, well, I think I’ll go then...,” he said getting up.

“I wish you didn’t leave like this...,” I started and looked up at him. He glanced at me and then looked away.

“Yeah. This wasn't what I'd planned. But there’s nothing I can do about this. I have to go now, so that I’ll catch the plane.”

I frowned a little at his words, at how hurt he seemed to be, after all.

“They won’t leave without you, you know that...” I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to ask him if he really wanted to get married, but I didn't dare. I didn't want to hear him say 'no'.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t want to keep them waiting,” he said, sounding a little angry.

“James, please... Don’t be angry.”

“I’m not,” he said, this time softly. “I’m sorry if I sounded like that. But I really should go.” I nodded and walked him to the door.

“James?”

“What?” There was that angry voice again.

“I... I hope you’ll have a good time.” I said, not saying what I actually wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. That nothing had changed. He nodded and opened the door. He walked down to his truck and before getting in, he looked at me for a moment. He then drove away.

I closed the door and walked to the kitchen.

I noticed James had left the ring, and the box, on the counter. By accident, I guess. I lifted the ring from the counter and looked at it more closely. It was beautiful. It was made of platinum and it carried several diamonds, yet it didn't look too fancy. There were two sapphires accenting the middle diamond. On the inside, it said, “Always and forever. J&D” I knew I should just put the ring back into the box and take the box to James' desk, but I really wanted to try the ring on.

It fit perfectly. And it looked beautiful.

Was it possible that he would have gone through the trouble of finding the perfect ring, of personalizing it if this wasn't really what he wanted? Of course, I couldn't know how much time he had or had not spent on choosing my ring, but it was just perfect. I didn't think it had been the first one he'd seen.

Feeling a little sad, I took the ring off and placed it back into the box. I took the box to James’ desk in his office. I sat down on his chair and looked at the walls. A few tears rolled on my cheeks.

This was unbelievable.

~*~*~*~*~

“Hey, Mom,” I said as she called me at the usual time of 9:30pm. I leaned against the counter, rubbing my temple. I had had a terrible headache the entire day. And the day before that, too. I'd taken as many painkillers as I had been able to, but they didn't help at all.

“Hello, dear, how are you?”

“Good. I just put Sarah to bed and –”

“It’s quite late, isn’t it?” I rolled my eyes at her question. I loved that my mother helped me, and James, so much with Sarah, but sometimes it was frustrating telling her something and knowing from her response that she wasn't satisfied with how I'd handled things.

“Yeah, it is. But she misses James a lot and doesn’t want to go to bed without him being here.” I went over to the kitchen table to sit down, the headache had suddenly turned into me feeling faint.

She tut-tutted and asked, “When is he coming back?”

“Tomorrow, I think,” I replied. I was quite scared because of that. We hadn’t talked since he left. He did call every day but just to talk to Sarah. He had said that he didn’t want to talk to me. At all. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to leave him, I just didn’t want to marry someone who didn’t want to get married. I'd tried talking to him, but he had just hung up if I spoke about anything besides Sarah.

“Well, that's not too far away anymore. Was it a month that he was gone?”

“Yeah...”

“Is something wrong?”

“No,” I said and felt bad because I lied to her. “I’m just pretty tired. We had a busy day today,” I said. I tried to ignore dizziness.

“Yes, I can imagine. Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Something that I should know about?”

Mom had promised to look after Sarah for a few hours in the morning as I had some errands to run and I couldn't take Sarah with me.

“Mm... I don't think there's anything special. I mean, I have some meetings to go to, but there's nothing that would affect Sarah, I think. I'm not sure when exactly James will be here. It depends a lot on how their last gig went and what the other guys have planned and so on...”

“He hasn't told you what time he'll be home?”

“No, mom, he hasn't. I'm sure he doesn't even know it himself. Like I said, it depends on a number of things.”

“I just find that very strange.”

“Well, no need to. He'll be here sooner or later.”

“Okay. Oh, you know, I spoke with Barbara this afternoon,” mom started and I stopped listening to what she was saying. Barbara was her cousin from Colorado and I knew what would follow was a 20-minute speech on what was going on with her family. Something that didn't really interest me.

We ended the phone call half an hour later, with Mom promising to come over in the morning, by 9am.

I put the phone down on the table and closed my eyes. If only the room would stop spinning.

Maybe some tea would help.

I waited for the water to boil and then poured some over a tea bag. I began walking to the living room. I still felt a little dizzy and I braced my hands against the counter for a while. I heard a car outside and thought it must’ve been Christina. I took the mug in my hand and prepared to go open the door. I took a few steps and everything went black.
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