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Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001-
Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,644 Views)
Tallulah
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Bad Seed
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This was very emotional and sad! Poor James. I look forward to the next part!
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for your comment, Tallulah! :heart:

Here's the next part, James' POV for a while at least. :) Do let me know what you think, as usual!


Part 60:

James:

After I had fucked up in LA, I had tried to think of something that I could do that would make Deborah trust me again. I always came back to that same solution – marriage. I knew that Deborah really wished we were married, or at least that's what she had once wished. That and children, and more specifically the fact that I hadn't wanted either, had been why we had broken up before my rehab.

But rehab had changed me, I no longer saw marriage as a prison. My parents divorcing had had a huge effect on me, it made me wary of love and relationships and everything. I hadn't even wanted to live together with Deborah because I was afraid that that might have changed things, for the worse, that is.

But now... Especially since we had a child, I really wanted to marry Deborah. I wanted her to be my wife. I had wanted that ever since I came back from rehab and we had seen each other again and had talked things through. I just hadn't been able to propose to her because... well, at first, because she thought I was with Karen and then later because me and Deborah weren't even together... But when we finally got back togehter... I just felt it might have been a little bit too soon.

Now, this was the only thing I thought could help.

I had arranged for a romantic dinner before I had to leave for Europe, Sarah was with Christina so it was just me and Deborah.

Not for a second had I taken into account that she might say no. I honestly hadn't even considered the possibility.

“I know that what you want the most is a happy family and a great husband. The family part is done, I believe, but I don’t think, and I certainly hope, that you don’t have a husband yet... Now, I don't know if I'd make a great husband, or even a decent one, but I can promise to try my hardest. So, since this means so much to you,” I said, getting down on one knee, “will you marry me?”

She knelt down in front of me and kissed me on the lips.

“Was... was that a yes?” I whispered.

She pulled away from me and I saw the tears in her eyes.

She was going to say no.

“Honey... I... Really... Will you marry me?”

I felt like I waited forever for her answer. Finally, she shook her head a little. “No, I'm sorry, but no.”

I nodded, trying to swallow my tears. I couldn't believe this. I got up slowly and started clearing the dishes. I felt so stupid. How was it that I hadn't seen that she'd say no? Weren't you supposed to know your partner well enough? So that their answer wouldn't be a surprise to you? Fuck.

I went to the kitchen and sat down by the table for a moment. I buried my face in my hands and cried until I heard her coming into the kitchen as well. I felt her sit down next to me and soon she wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

It hurt. It really did hurt. It was like a fist clutching onto my heart and trying to rip it out of my chest.

I shook her arm away. I hoped my voice would sound normal. “Please, don’t. It’s fine. You don’t have to explain or anything.”

“But I want to.”

“Well, I don’t want you to. Just let it go,” I said. I hoped I sounded so pissed off that she would let it go.

“No, I-”

“Look, when you haven’t wanted to talk about something, we haven’t. Now, I don’t want to talk about this, so, let’s not, okay? The truth is I'm relieved.”

That was a lie. But I had to say that. I'd rather she was angry with me than felt sorry for me. That seemed to shut her up.

I told her that I should get going and what did she say? “I wish you didn’t leave like this.” Well, fuck, so did I. I had planned on sliding the ring onto her finger and... I had to force myself to stop thinking about that.

When I was leaving, Deborah just told me to have a good time on the road. Yeah, right. It'd be a real walk in the park. What I noticed was that she didn't say that she loved me. That's what she usually said whenever I left, even if it was for a day or two. I just nodded at her and left.

~*~*~*~*~

As I got to the airport, the others were already there, as I had assumed, and we were able to board the plane. I kept to myself mostly. I didn't want to talk to any one of them, much less Kirk because he knew that I had planned on proposing to Deborah.

I went over to my seat, fought with the overhead compartment for a while, ending up slamming it shut with such force that it sprang right back up again.

“Chill, Hetfield,” Lars chuckled from behind me.

“Fuck off!”

I struggled with the compartment for a while more and since I couldn't win the battle apparently, I left the compartment open.

“Are you okay?” Lars asked me. I shot him a look and he held up his hands. “Okay, just worried. Nevermind.”

I wanted to tell him what had happened, but I couldn't get the words out. I just sat down, grabbed my iPod, and turned the music as loud as I could so that I couldn't hear my own thoughts.

I felt a couple of people patting my shoulder, I guess to notify they were on the plane, but I paid absolutely no attention to them. I feared that if I started to speak about what was wrong, I wouldn't be able to stop and I'd end up crying my eyes out.

~*~*~*~*~

For most of the tour, I'd been an ass. I knew that. Everyone had noticed that I was in a pretty bad mood, which was an understatement, and they had let me be. Which I appreciated.

I had spoken to Deborah every day, not about anything, really. I mean, I called her just so I could speak to Sarah. But every once in a while Deborah would try to speak to me, about us and I mostly just hung up. I didn't have the strength to talk about it. I didn't want to talk to her at all, just hearing her voice made me sick.

And in just a few short days, I would have to see her again. I had tried to work out my feelings for her, and for the most part, I think, I had managed to do something. I could think about her and feel nothing. Hearing her voice was still difficult and seeing her would probably be, too. But at least I didn't love her anymore. That was good.

~*~*~*~*~

I unlocked the front door and stepped inside. I had just gotten back from Europe and I was jet lagged as hell. I carried my luggage inside the house, which was dark with the exception of the light coming from the kitchen.

I looked at the kitchen doorway for a moment, dreading the idea of having to speak to her now. I had needed time to think about what had happened and that was the reason why I hadn’t spoken to her in a month.

I had missed Sarah, and Deborah, a lot, and I had wished, every morning, day and night, that I hadn’t proposed to Deborah. She obviously didn’t want to marry me, despite what she had said before. I hadn’t told anyone I proposed to her. I had no reason to. Though, Kirk did know that I had planned on proposing, but he never asked me if I had done it or not.

I had kept thinking about everything that had happened between us and I couldn’t find a reason for her to not marry me. Well, the only thing I could think of was that maybe she had just fallen out of love with me. It couldn’t have been anything else. She knew I wanted to be married and she knew I loved her... So, she just wasn’t in love with me, right?

I had, luckily or not, managed to sort out my feelings for her. I had made myself stop loving her. Now it didn’t feel so bad to know that she didn’t want me. Of course, it hurt, and I felt like my heart had been broken into a billion pieces, but... with every single day that passed, it didn’t feel as bad as the day before. Maybe the proverbial light really was at the end of the tunnel, after all.

But despite all that, I still didn’t want to see her. She would surely want to talk, which I didn’t want to do. I wasn’t sure of what I should tell her. I sighed heavily and closed the door behind me. I grabbed two of my suitcases and started to walk toward the guest room.

I stopped dead on my tracks as I walked past the kitchen. Deborah was lying on the floor, a broken mug and its contents next to her. I dropped the suitcases and rapidly walked to Deborah. She was unconscious and didn’t wake up.

I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed 911. After following their instructions and giving them my address, I walked over to the cordless phone on the kitchen island and called Lars. I told him to get there as fast as he could. I told him I needed to get Deborah to the hospital and that I needed someone to look after Sarah.

It seemed like I waited hours after hours for the ambulance to arrive. I had been told not to move Deborah, as she might have a concussion or she might have something pressing her nerves, and then moving her might cause her to become paralyzed.

All I could think about was Deborah. What had happened to her? How long had she been lying there? Was it my fault? I questioned myself, What would I do if she ... No, that couldn’t happen. She won’t leave me... She can’t.

Lars arrived first, surely, as he lived closer and had just dropped me off. Lars walked straight to the kitchen, took a seat by the table and cursed, several times. He was staring at Deborah and me. I sat on the floor, next to Deborah and held her hand until the ambulance arrived. I felt tears forming in my eyes, but I somehow managed to not start crying there.

Am I losing her for real? I couldn’t deal with that. I need her.

The paramedics pushed me out of their way when they arrived. I got up slowly and watched them hovering over her. They made sure her heart was beating and that she was breathing. They checked that her pupils were responding to light. They wrapped a cervical collar around her neck and carefully lifted her on a stretcher.

Finally, one of the paramedics told me that she was all right.

“She’s fucking unconscious and won’t wake up! How’s that all right?” I asked, extremely irritated.

“Well, sir, what I meant was that she’s not in immediate danger. She may have a concussion and possibly broken bones, depending on how she fell, but she should be fine, if, uh, once she wakes up,” the paramedic said.

I nodded, unable to fully understand what he told me. All I could think about was that the last time I had spoken to her, not counting the two or three hellos over the phone, I had been angry and frustrated. Why the fuck didn’t I tell her that I loved her? When I had left, I had wanted to do that, tell her that I still loved her, but I hadn’t done that. I should have. If she was going to die... No. I didn’t want to finish the thought.

“James? Hey, you still here?” I heard Lars asking. He was waving his hand before my face.

“What?”

“They want you to go with them.”

“Huh?”

“To the hospital. With Deborah. They need you to tell them about her. Go. I’ll call Christina and Kirk and I’ll stay here with Sarah.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, following one of the paramedics out of the house.
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Shayniz21
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Poor Twisted Me
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This chapter was really good! I'm on the edge of my seat everytime I read a chapter!! I love the way James and Deborah are always back and forth, it makes me want to rip my hair out sometimes but thats what makes the story so interesting!!! Please keep going and if you can.....update quickly I'm dying over here!!!
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Voxx
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Shayniz21
March 29, 2012, 7:18 pm
This chapter was really good! I'm on the edge of my seat everytime I read a chapter!! I love the way James and Deborah are always back and forth, it makes me want to rip my hair out sometimes but thats what makes the story so interesting!!! Please keep going and if you can.....update quickly I'm dying over here!!!
Couldn't have said it better about the back and forth between them!

I really feel for James, the poor guy. He must be heartbroken and I can only imagine how embarrassed he was after she said no.

Update soon!?
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for commenting, Shayniz and Stephanie! :heart: And special thanks for Stephanie for some brainstorming help! :)

Next part is here and I hope you like it. As always, do let me know. :)


Part 61:

I was sitting by Deborah's hospital bed, hoping she'd wake up. The doctors had said that she had woken up at some point during the morning, but I had missed that because I had been with Sarah. God, I had missed her during the tour. I wished that I would have been able to take her on tour with me, or that Deborah would have come with us.

I had ended up taking Sarah to Deborah's mother, who had insisted that she take care of her so that I could stay at the hospital with Deborah. I wondered if Deborah had told her mother what had happened between us, but I somehow doubted that. Even though Deborah loved her mother, I knew that Deborah had become frustrated with her lately, because she didn't approve of the way Deborah, or I, handled things with Sarah.

The door opened and Kirk came in with a flower vase. He'd bought flowers. I hadn't. God.

“Hey man, what's going on in here?” he asked, setting the flowers down on the nightstand.

“I have no fucking idea,” I said.

I was so frustrated!

I had come home thinking that I could talk things over with Deborah, tell her that we were done and that things would not work out between us. And what had happened? I got sucked into this emotional turmoil, where one minute I was pissed off at myself for not talking to her, then worrying about her, then hating her for not pushing me, for not talking to me, then missing her so incredibly much. And now Kirk was here. Kirk the Perfect. Fuck.

“She hasn't woken up, has she?” Kirk asked, brushing Deborah's cheek gently with his fingers.

“Apparently she was awake this morning,” I said quietly, now hating myself for missing that, for spending time with Sarah when I had all the time in the world to do that. I sighed.

He looked at me for a moment. “You look like hell.”

“Feel like it, too.”

I had barely slept since I'd gotten back from the tour. I hadn't slept on the flight, I hadn't slept in the hospital waiting room, or then at home later. I hadn't been able to. I had spent the entire flight thinking about what to tell Deborah. Then the same thing in Lars' car going home, then in the ambulance going to the hospital, then in the waiting room...

Sometimes I thought I should just straight up ask her why she declined, but then I figured that I should tell her that I was worried and that I love her. Or I should tell her that I'm sorry I hadn't spoken to her when she'd tried speaking to me.

“You should get some sleep.”

“I can't. I haven't slept since I came back. I can't. I'm afraid something'll happen in the meanwhile.”

“Hey, I'll wake you up if something happens. Just... sleep at least for a bit. That bed's pretty comfortable. I took a nap there during the night.”

Ah, yes, he'd been here the entire night. And I hadn't. Why couldn't I be like Kirk? He was always so good with Deborah. They barely argued... Everything was perfect between them.

Even the times that Deborah had been angry with Kirk... They'd been because of me. Because I'd been an ass. As usual.

I didn't have the strength to argue with Kirk – and really, you didn't argue with Kirk. At least, not in situations like this. He was just being reasonable. And even if I had told him that I didn't want to go to sleep, he would have let it go. He didn't argue. But he was right.

I got up, dragged my feet over to the bed and lay down. I think I must have fallen asleep within a few seconds.

I dreamed of Deborah, of her and me, of something happening to her, of us breaking up, of her dying, of her saying yes to my proposal...

~*~*~*~*~

As I opened my eyes, I heard Deborah crying and saying, “He hates me.” Over and over again. Kirk was trying to comfort her, but it wasn't working.

“Look, you just have to talk this out with him. He doesn't hate you. I promise,” Kirk told her.

“He hasn't spoken to me in a month.”

Kirk glanced at me and seeing I was awake, again, or finally, I wasn't sure, he said, “Just talk to him, okay?”

He started to get up and I noticed Deborah seemed confused. “Where are you...,” Deborah started, but as Kirk nodded toward me, Deborah stopped talking.

“I'll let you guys talk. I think that's vital.”

She turned to look at me and I couldn't really tell if she was surprised to see me there or not. Or if she wanted to see me there or not.

I sat down on the chair that Kirk had occupied earlier and took her hand in mine. She withdrew it quickly. I sighed. I contemplated how to start talking to her. I looked at her and felt my eyes flood with tears. “I love you, Deborah, so, so much. I could never hate you.”

“You haven't spoken to me in a month,” she whispered, her teary eyes mirroring mine.

“And I hate myself because of that. I thought it would be better. I couldn't bear to hear your voice... I was so hurt.”

“How do you think I felt? I wanted to explain my decision to you and you wouldn't listen to me? Damnit, we're in a relationship, at least I thought so, you can't just not speak to me for a month. You can't... You can't leave me like that,” she said and the tears finally flowed down her cheeks.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,” I said, grabbing her hand again. This time she let me hold it. I kissed the back of her hand. “As stupid as it may be, I thought we were done.”

“Do you want us to be done?” she asked quietly.

“No, I don't. I really don't. But I do think we need to talk about this.”

“That's all we ever do. Talk and talk. Mess up. Talk, talk....”

“I know. But... That doesn't change the fact that we have to talk.”

“Yeah...”

“I thought I was going to loose you, when I found you on the floor. And after I proposed, I told you I was relieved. I wasn't. I lied. I just... It felt like you didn't care, so, I thought it was best if I didn't care either, that I'd realize that I didn't want it after all.”

“James, it meant the world to me, to have you propose. But you've said that you don't want to be married. More than once. And using stronger words than I am right now. I do love you, James, more than I've ever loved anyone, but I don't want to marry you if you don't want to be married, or believe in marriage or whatever.”

“But I do want to be married. I've told you that I changed in and after rehab.”

“Yes, you have. But you haven't told me that this had changed. I didn't know.”

“I haven't?” I was shocked. I'd been sure that she knew that I wanted to be married. Surely, I had told her that at some point. I must have.

“You haven't.”

“Well... Now that you know, will you-”

She interrupted me. “James...”

“So, it's still a no.” I got up from the chair and glared at her. “I don't fucking understand you. You say you love me, you say you want to get married and now that we've figured this out, you still say no. So, what the hell is wrong? Am I not good enough to be your husband? Don't you want to marry an alcoholic? A high school dropout? What?” I realized I was nearly yelling and took a breath to steady myself and my voice.

“Come on, James...”

“No! Fucking tell me!” She closed her eyes and I sighed. I knew I shouldn't yell at her, she couldn't handle it. But I couldn't control myself. I just couldn't not yell at her. I took another deep breath, running my fingers through my hair. “I'm sorry,” I said softly, “Just, please, tell me...”

She opened her eyes and spoke a little unsteadily, “You have no right to come here yell at me when you haven't spoken to me in a month.”

“I know, I'm an ass. Which I'm sure is yet another reason on your list of reasons why shouldn't marry me.”

“Knock it off. I have never said that I think I shouldn't marry you.” Now she sounded annoyed.

“Well, that's what it feels like!”

“Maybe you should go now.”

“I'm not fucking going to go! We're going to talk this through. Right now.”

“I'm not going to talk to you when you're like that. You've just spent a month without talking to me. I'm sure you can last some time longer.”

With that she closed her eyes again and appeared to have fallen asleep, which I didn't buy.

I went to sit on the chair again. “I'm sorry that I appear angry. Well, that I am angry. When things don't go the way I want them to, I have a hard time controlling myself. And right now, this is not going the way I want it to. I don't understand what you're saying. I mean, you're saying that you love me and then, what appears to be the opposite, that you're not going to marry me. So, I don't get that.”

“Our relationship, if you can call it that, is not strong enough right now. I don't think we could handle marriage, we can barely handle a relationship. So, that's why I'm saying no. Do I want to marry you? Yes, one day. When we're ready for that. But we're not there yet. We really are not. And I'm sorry, but if you think we are, you really need to think about the things that are required for a successful marriage. Right now I don't think either one of us can give them to the other. I know I can't.”

“That makes sense...”

“And if you had let me speak the night you left, or during the time you were away, you would know that. And you would also know that part of the reason I said no was because I thought you didn't really want to get married. It sounded like that. You said, 'Because this means so much to you', as in me, as in, it doesn't meant that much to you. My saying no has absolutely nothing to do with your alcoholism or you not graduating from high school or you not being a good husband. You are a good man, James. I've told you that before. You're a great father and a great partner. You have your flaws, but who doesn't? But those things you mentioned... They're your insecurities, and I don't feel that way about you.” She took a little break, and looked at me, smiling. “And we're being so stupid, you know? We were doing great, and then we go and mess things up. I really don't want to keep doing this all the time.”

“I think I'm the one that messed things up. Again.”

“I think I had something to do with it...”

“I should have let you explain.”

“I could have explained myself to you in any way.”

“This is leading us nowhere... But I'm sorry. And I love you.”

“Me, too. I'm both sorry and hopelessly in love with you, you stupid man.”

He laughed a little and bent closer to kiss me. “What happened to you? Maybe I should have started with that one....”

“I've been feeling dizzy, I've had headaches and all that... I was making tea one night and then I saw Christina driving over, so, I went to open the door for her, but then I guess I passed out, because I don't remember anything about that.”

“That was me.”

“Christina?”

“Who you thought was Christina was actually me. Or Lars, as a matter of fact, he was driving. He uh... Well, I may have not been in the best of moods on tour, so, he figured it was something to do with us so he forced me to go home earlier.”

“Did you work things out with the guys?”

“Eventually, yeah. But God, I was an ass. I didn't speak to anyone during the first couple of days, until Kirk asked me what was getting me bent out of shape. So I told him and he told me that I should hear you out. And of course, he was right. I should have. But... God, the whole thing was eating me up. I've barely slept since we left from Europe... Especially after finding you. I've been so worried.”

“Go home and sleep. No reason for you to torture yourself like that, trying to stay up. The doctor said it's just anemia. They'll check my diet, I guess and that's that. I'm fine. Just go home,” she said and smiled at me faintly.

“I don't want to leave you. I want to stay here,” I said, feeling like a pouting child, who had been told to go wash up and to bed without dinner.

“Oh, honey, come here.” She moved a little so that there was just enough space on the bed for me. I climbed in next to her and she smoothed my hair softly. We kissed a few times and then both closed our eyes.

“I've missed you,” she whispered, just before I fell asleep. This time I didn't dream of her leaving me, or dying or anything like that.
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, October 15, 2012, 6:23 pm.
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Oh! I'm glad you went with this one! I'm not really an eternal optimist or anything like that, but I'm so glad that you chose this route! Perhaps things will finally start to run smoothly for them! If anything, I think James has proved his love for Deborah. He stayed by her side the entire time. I just hope she notices and gives him the chance he deserves :heart:

I just want a happy ending lol! :)
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Shayniz21
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This was really good I'm glad they finally talked things through!!!
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Tallulah
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Bad Seed
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I am glad they talked things through too! More please!
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ilovejaymz
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Been away for a while, due to personal problems, but now i'm back, and i still love this.

I was so sad, for both of them.. For James, that she said no, and for Deb, because he didn't wanted to hear her out.

Looking forward to more :) :heart:
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ElisabethOrion
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I'm creatively constipated.
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*pokes head around* :dance
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Burnout
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THIS IS AMAZIING! :heart: :heart:
I'm glad they're finally talking about it, but I'm still a bit sad :rolleyes: But then again, James did now really show that he had grown a lot and is really in love with her.

Can't wait for more! :biggrin
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Shayniz21
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poke!
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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I know... I should update...

I don't know what to post, though. Haha. I have the next chapter ready, sort of, but I keep changing it all the time, as usual, and I'm not satisfied with anything I come up with. Maybe one of these days... :)

Thanks to everyone for commenting! :heart:
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Shayniz21
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I understand completely! I hate it when that happens! But yes...please post!
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Voxx
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You know where to find me if you need someone to bounce your ideas off of :P :)
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