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Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001-
Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,656 Views)
metalgal4life
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For liberty ...and justice for all!!
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Yay!! I'm back, and you've reposted this story!!! AWESOME!!!! :biggrin Even though I remember most of this story, it's still wonderful to read it again!!!
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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More! :)

Thanks for your comments everyone! :heart: Great to see you back, Tabatha!

~*~*~*~*~

PART 10:

James:

I was sitting by a table. The table was situated in a little cabin and the little cabin was in Siberia. Yup, cold-ass Siberia. My friend, Andrew, had asked me to go hunting with him and I had agreed to, thinking that’d we’d be going to another state, like Montana or one of the Dakotas, and that we’d be back soon. Then he had started to talk about visas and I had realized that he was going hunting to Siberia. Well, I had come along anyway; I had nothing home now. Well, sure, I had Deborah and Metallica, but I wasn’t talking with Deborah, she needed time and things between Lars and me were really tense. We were arguing about every possible, and impossible, thing there was to argue. Whether it was his drumming or my lyrics, we argued. It wasn’t fun to do music anymore, so we had decided to take some time off.

I had been here about a week and I had another week to go. We all were allowed to shoot only two bears and since I had shot mine and the others hadn’t shot theirs yet, there wasn’t much for me to do. I stayed at the camp while the others were out trying to find the bears. I was only waiting for next week, so I could go back home.

There were four guys living in each camp, along with their guides. I was living with Andrew, a British guy called Andy, a Finnish guy called Ville and four Russian guides, who spoke very little English.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I saw Deborah standing in front of me, saying, “You lived your life and I was a part of it when you wanted, not when I wanted, but when you wanted. It was like I was your girlfriend only when you wanted that... You should try to figure out what you want from me.”

She was right. First of all, I hadn’t treated her well, and second of all, I needed to figure out what I wanted. I knew that she wanted to start settling down. I had gathered that much, even if I had been drunk most of the time. I sighed. What do I want? Do I want to settle down or do I want to be single? My thinking was interrupted when the cabin door opened and the rest of the guys got in.

“Bloody ‘ell, Het, you should’ve been with us. We saw a huge bear. We didn’t get ‘im though, we had already killed one,” Andy said. He sounded so British that it just made me smile. Andrew and Ville were still somewhere and I hadn’t seen our guides in a while.

“That’s cool man,” I said to him. He went to the small kitchen and put a kettle on the stove. I collected my belongings from the table. I had been doing some sketches of the camp; I had nothing better to do anyway.

“Come back in a second, we’ll have a drink before dinner,” Andy said, as I left towards my room.

“Sure, buddy. I'll be right back,” I promised.

A wave of guilt rushed over me, as I promised him I’d have a drink. I was supposed to be quitting. I had promised Deb and she had told me that she couldn’t trust me. Can’t really blame her, can you? I asked myself silently and continued, But, this is only a little drink before dinner; it’s not like I’m going to drink a bottle of vodka and be all wasted. I’m controlling this.

I threw my notebook towards my bunk and stared outside for a moment. It was snowy, really snowy. Suddenly, I missed being home, being with Deborah. I hadn’t treated her right before, but she had always been there for me. Well, what else do you expect, you told her to wait in your apartment and not go anywhere, you idiot, I scolded myself silently. She was in love with me, and of course she did what I asked her to do.

I walked to my backpack and rummaged in it for a while. I found the picture I was looking for and stood up. I looked at the picture, recalling the day it had been taken.

It was the end of 1996. We were doing the Poor Touring Me –tour. The tour had been pretty intense, but we had about a week off during Christmas. We returned to San Francisco and Deborah called us up immediately. There was something urgent that she needed to take care of, so we had to meet up.

I hung out with her a lot during that time and we both then confessed that we had feelings for each other. Everything was pretty much perfect. We talked for hours and walked around holding hands. I had never really done those things with anyone. Sure, I had had a lot of girls, but it was just drinking and fucking.

When I had to get back on the road, I asked Deb if she would come with me, or, with us. She said yes and she toured with us for some time. Lars or Kirk took the picture on the last night of the tour with Deborah. We were somewhere in the East Coast then. I hugged her before I went on the stage and the picture was taken right then. When Deborah had left, I found the picture in my dressing room.


I smiled at the memory and turned the picture over. I read the words that she had written there. “I was feeling insecure about all this, but I talked to a friend, who said, ‘Carpe Diem, baby’... So that’s what I’m doing. Miss you already. D” The text behind the picture had been a slight inspiration to write ‘Carpe Diem Baby’ and, obviously, the song was named after Deb’s words. The song was released on ReLoad, although I hadn’t planned that. Once again, Lars had heard me playing the song and insisted that it should be on the next record.

I sighed again and put the picture back in my backpack. I heard music coming from the “living room.” One of the guys, the Finnish dude, had some kind of a portable CD-player with him and he liked listening to some tunes in the evening. I wasn’t at all bothered by this, as he had a good taste in music. He liked Metallica, Aerosmith, AC/DC and some Finnish bands I hadn’t heard of. It had been funny to see his face, when I walked into the cabin for the first time.

He was sitting by the table as Andrew, our guides and me stepped into the cabin.

“Holy fuck, helvetti, you’re James fucking Hetfield,” he blurted out and stared at me.

“Yeah, I usually leave the ‘fucking’ part out and what was that word...? Hel... What?”

“Oh, sorry, that was Finnish. Just a swearword...,” he said and blushed a little. I was guessing that he was about 20 or something. “Man, I’ve seen you play so many times and haven’t met you once... I saw you guys first time when you were in Finland for the first time. It was in 1984,” he said. Okay, so he’s probably older than 20, I thought.

“That’s cool. I can’t even remember those days,” I said and laughed, “What’s your name?”

“God, sorry, I should have introduced myself. I’m Ville,” he said.

“Good to meet you. I’m gonna get settled, maybe we can talk later?”

“Yeah, that would be awesome.”


I had talked quite a lot with him and he was really cool. He had been following us on tour in numerous places and he recalled some stuff that I couldn’t remember. He knew when my singing was off and shit. Of course, we didn’t discuss Metallica all the time; he introduced me to some new bands, which were mostly Finnish and good. Right now, he was playing a record that I liked a lot. It was by a band called Sentenced, or something like that. I had learned that Ville knew the band, so he had a great insight on them. I hummed along to the music and left my room. I was handed a little glass of vodka and I drank it empty quickly. I heard Deborah in my head, saying that she couldn’t trust me, but I tried not to think of her.

But when I recognized the song that was playing, I just couldn’t not think about Deborah.

“So many times I have let you down, shadowed the shine of our sun, and drowned you in tears and misery. That it is hard for me to see, how you can after all these years, still be standing by me...” I wondered if the guy who wrote this song knew me. The words came almost straight out of my life...
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, April 24, 2011, 3:50 pm.
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larscriancinha
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Larsybaby
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Aw, poor James. :( I hope he doesn't drink anymore.
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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He probably will. :( Thanks for your comment!

~*~*~*~*~

PART 11:

Deborah:

I hadn’t heard anything from James in two weeks. I had tried to call him for a few days, but he hadn't answered. And he hadn't called me back either. I was starting to think that he didn’t want to talk to me. I sighed and called Lars.

“Hallo? Jeg kommer for sent, undskyld,” he said quickly, and a little out of breath.

“No Danish, thanks. And hi, it’s Deborah,” I said.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t have time to check who was calling. I’m actually a bit busy. I’m in Copenhagen right now and if you could call me later, that’d be great...”

“It’ll take a minute. Do you know where James is?”

“No, but we’re all on vacation. We’ll be back in a week. What is it?”

“Personal. I’ll see you in a week...”

“No! Wait!” Lars piped up.

“What?”

“I... What’s going on with you two?” he asked.

“I thought you were busy...,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I am, but I’m gonna be late anyway...,” Lars said. “What’s up?”

“It’s none of your business, Lars. Keep your nose out of this, will you?” I huffed.

“Well, I... If he has done something shitty in the last week, then it might be my fault. We kinda fought before we left for the break.”

“Why did you fight?”

“Just some band stuff...”

“Well, obviously, but it’s not that. I haven’t talked to him in two weeks...”

“Oh. Well. I guess it’s not that then... Why haven’t you been talking?”

“Lars!”

“Okay, okay. I’m keeping my nose out...,” he promised and added quietly, “For now.”

“I heard that.”

“Yeah. Well, I gotta get running. I’ll see ya in a bit.”

“Okay. Bye then,” I said and we both hung up. I dialed Kirk’s number next.

“Hi Deb! What’s up?” he asked. He sounds very happy, I thought and smiled.

“Hey. Nothing much, I was just wondering if you know where James is...”

“We’re all on vacation now,” he said.

“Yeah, I know, Lars told me,” I said.

“James didn’t tell you?”

“No,” I said and sighed.

“What is it?” Kirk asked. I sighed. “Deb, talk to me, please.”

Kirk was a really wonderful guy. We had always had a connection between us and we had been able to confide in one another, even when we had known for a while. “I don’t know where he is. He isn’t answering my calls and he’s not home. I have to talk to him,” I said, “I think that he doesn’t want to talk to me,” I continued. I felt tears on my cheek and I sniffled a bit.

“First, do not cry because of him. You know that it's not worth it. And second, he does want to talk to you. I know that.”

“How do you know it?”

“Because I have talked to him and I know him, too. I see that he loves you,” he said and continued as I snorted, “Maybe you don’t see it that way, but I’ve known him since 1983 and deep down, you know that it's true. You’re the best thing that has happened to him...”

“It surely doesn’t feel like it...”

“I know, but you know what he’s like, he’s-”

“Always drinking and avoiding me, when I have to speak to him?”

“No! And you don’t think that way either, right?”

“Yeah, right,” I replied, “I really don’t. I’m just... I don’t know what to think.”

“As I was saying, he’s just being himself. You told him not to call you, so he’s not being in contact with you. That’s all.”

“That’s not all. God! I have been calling him for days, he hasn’t picked up. He’s not home, his cell phone is off. He’s nowhere.”

“Of course he’s somewhere. He can’t just disappear, that’d be paranormal. Which would be actually kinda cool...,” Kirk said and I could feel him starting to think about mystic things.

“Kirk! Focus, please. Are you sure that you don’t know where he is?”

“Absolutely. I have no idea...”

“You said that you talked to him, when was that?”

“Before the vacation.”

“Oh...”

“But hey, I gotta get going. Lisa’s calling me.”

“Okay, say hi to her. Talk to you later.”

“Yeah, I will. And hey? You’ll get things right with James...”

“I hope so,” I said. I hung up and sighed again. Only Bob left. I dialed his number and waited for him to answer.

“Hello?” a woman answered.

“Hello. This is Deborah Walker. I’m looking for Bob. Is he there?”

“Yeah, hold on,” the woman said. I waited and soon Bob was on the other end.

“Deb? Hi.”

“Hey. Sorry to be calling you, but do you know where James is?”

“Yeah! He didn’t tell you?” Bob asked, sounding surprised.

“Would I be asking if he had?”

“I guess not...”

“Is he there?”

“Oh, no. He... umm... He’s in Siberia. I thought he told you...”

“Well, he didn’t...,” I said. He is in Siberia? What the heck was he doing there? God, he really was avoiding me..., I thought.

“Oh... Well, that friend of his, Andy... Anthony... Something like that anyway, umm... he asked if James was willing to go hunting and they left. He should be back in a week...”

“It’s Andrew, actually... But yeah, thanks a lot.”

“It’s okay. Anything else? I’m in the middle of something here...”

“No, I’m sorry I bothered you.”

“You didn’t. Not at all,” Bob said in a friendly manner.

“Okay, thanks. See you soon.”

“See ya.”

I couldn't believe that James was in Siberia. And I also couldn't believe that he hadn't told Kirk or Lars, or me, but he had told Bob. Not that I had anything against him, but I always thought that Kirk, Lars or I would be the ones he told that stuff. I buried my head in my hands and started crying. I didn’t really know why, I just felt like crying.
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, April 24, 2011, 3:50 pm.
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Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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Why is this buried at the bottom of the page?

Well, like you said he probably will drink again, and proof is...he's in Siberia and we all know what happens there. I feel like I am cheating though...because I know what comes next and I know basicly the whole story.. :lol:

Anyway...go on. :horns:
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Well... You know the whole story until a certain point. Haha. But yeah... This was buried because people haven't apparently noticed I'd updated (or didn't care ;)), but yeah. Thanks for your comment :) It's nice that you're rereading this!
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Hawkeye
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Blackened
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I've been reading...and waiting for the next update!
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metalgal4life
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For liberty ...and justice for all!!
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Hawkeye
April 26, 2011, 8:01 pm
I've been reading...and waiting for the next update!
Me too!!! :biggrin
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larscriancinha
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Aw! Poor Deb. :(
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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PART 12:

“Umm... Deb?”

“Yeah?” I turned around to face Christina.

“You know, when I showed you the pictures from Europe...,” she started. Her expression was sad and... well, an odd one to see on her face. Of the two of us, she was the happy one.

“Yeah...?” I asked, “What about them?”

“The guy that was in some of the pictures that were taken in Rome...,” she started. I nodded and tried to remember some of the pictures. Christina had been standing next to a brown-haired guy, who looked a bit like a foreigner or a tourist, but who could have been Italian. They had been together in quite a few of the pictures actually. I had asked who he was, but Christina hadn’t answered my questions fully. “Well, his name in Dan and he’s from San Diego.”

“And...?” I asked, thinking I knew where this was going.

“Well, we had a... a thing there and... I miss him,” Christina said. She looked at me, as if she was expecting me to tell her what to do. She lifted her eyebrows a bit.

“So, call him,” I suggested.

“Well, it was supposed to be a short thing, nothing serious. He was supposed to call me, but he didn’t. Like... to tell what’s up and all...”

“Well, you call him,” I repeated.

“Well, I don’t know...”

“Just call him. You have nothing to lose,” I reasoned, hoping that she would call him. Christina had been acting rather strangely after coming back from Europe, but I had just thought that it might be a little culture shock or something similar.

“Do it with me, please?”

“What are we? Five? Sure. Go on then,” I said and walked to her room behind her. She kept opening her drawers and finally found a piece of paper, which had Dan’s name, address and his phone number. Christina picked up the phone, dialed the number and held the phone, so that we both heard the dial tone.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s Christina... We met in Rome a few months ago.”

“Oh, hi! Why are you calling?” the voice asked, sounding surprised.

“I... Well... You were supposed to call me and you didn’t so I... I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot I was supposed to call. Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay...,” Christina said. They were both silent and I couldn’t help but think that this wasn’t the Christina I knew. She was always happy and talkative. She had definitely fallen for this guy. “Well, I’m sorry I bothered you, goodbye,” Christina said and hung up.

“Why did you do that?!” I asked, frustrated.

“What then? He obviously didn’t want to talk to me, so what’s the point?”

“You don’t know if he did want to talk to you. He didn’t say it.”

“Well, he didn’t say much else either, did he?” Christina asked.

“Well, neither did you! And I’m sure that he was surprised that you called, that’s all,” I said and gave her a little hug. When I pulled myself away from her, I was surprised to see her cry. “You really like him, don’t you?” I asked. Christina said something that I couldn’t understand, but what I presumed meant ‘yes’. “Aww, honey. Call him again. Tell him that. You’re still not losing anything...,” I said and Christina shook her head.

After about ten minutes, the phone rang.

“I’m not picking up and if it’s him, I’m not here,” she said. I nodded and went to my room to pick up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Christina?”

“Her roommate, Deborah, you are?” I asked, even though, I knew perfectly well who he was.

“Sorry, I’m Dan, I met Christina in Europe and she just called me.”

“Okay, she’s not here right now, can I give her a message?”

“What do you mean she’s not there? I just spoke with her. She was calling from this number, too. I have a caller-ID.”

“Well, that’s nice. But she’s not here right now. I can tell her that you called,” I promised.

“Oh... Well, could you tell her that I’m sorry about before? I was surprised that she called.”

“Why is that? Weren’t you supposed to call her?”

“Well, yeah, but we agreed that our thing would be a vacation thing, so... I just... Wait, how do you know that I was supposed to call her?”

“I’m her best friend. We tell each other everything, so I know that,” I said, thinking that we didn’t actually tell each other everything, apparently. I shook those thoughts out of my head, thinking that she didn’t have to tell me every single thing that was going on. It’s not like I’d told her everything that went on between me and James.

“Oh, you’re her. Yeah, she talked a lot about you. I just have the worst memory when it comes to names, sorry.”

“Never mind about that...”

“Could you just ask her to call me?”

“Sure, but can I ask you something first?”

“Shoot.”

“You said that you agreed that the thing between you would be a vacation thing. Do you want that?” I asked. Dan was silent for a long time before he answered.

“No. I like her a lot. She was the one to suggest it, so I guess she wants it then. That’s really the reason why I didn’t call her. I thought she was being polite when she asked me to ca-”

“Sorry, can you hold, please?”

“Yeah,” Dan answered. I left the phone on my table and walked to Christina’s room.

“Okay, he likes you, too, so talk to him. If you won’t then I will,” I said. Christina was sitting on her bed and she looked miserable, although her face lit up when she realized what I said. “He’s on the phone, right now, so pick up,” I continued. She nodded and picked her phone up.

“Hi Dan,” she said softly. I left the room and went back to my room to close the phone there. I sat on my desk and started to think about James.

If my calculations were right, it was his 9th or 10th day in Siberia, so, he’d be back in less than a week.

Kirk, Lars and I had agreed to have a meeting in the following morning after James’ arrival. We knew that it might be hard for him to stay awake then, but we had some urgent stuff to deal with. I sighed and walked over to my closet.

I took out some clothes and other stuff I’d need. As the guys were on a break, I figured I could do that, too. I had called Mom and we agreed that I’d visit her. She had been living in Sacramento, but she had moved to Jacksonville, Florida, so I had to go there by plane.

I had packed all of my stuff when Christina knocked on my door. She had finished talking to Dan and she looked like her normal self. She was smiling and happy.

“So?” I asked, even though the answer was obvious.

“Well, since both of us don’t really want a short thing, we’re... well, back together I think.”

“That’s great, honey.”

“Yeah. He’s coming over in a few days, is that okay?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I’m going to Jacksonville for a couple of days, but I’ll be back the 23rd.”

“Oh yeah, you want a lift to the airport? When is your flight leaving?”

“Well, I have to leave in thirty minutes, but I thought I’d drive my own car there, so I can get back myself,” I said.

“Okay. That’s fine,” Christina said.

“When is he coming?”

“The day after tomorrow.”

“Whoa! You’re not wasting any time are you?” I asked, laughing.

“Well, no. And we basically lived together for a couple of weeks, so we do know each other pretty well.”

“Oh, I see. Why didn’t I know about him before? I mean, I knew, but not that much...”

“Well, I... I didn’t know then. I mean, I didn’t know if I wanted it to be a short thing or something more, so I figured I could leave it out of the story. I hope you’re not angry or anything.”

“Of course, I’m not. You don’t have to tell me everything,” I said and smiled.

“Yeah, but I’d like to do that. We are best friends after all.”

“True, but it’s up to you to tell me or not to tell me,” I said. Christina nodded and left the room. I looked at my phone for a while and decided to call James and leave him a message. After that, I left to the airport.


PART 13:

James:

It was my 10th day in Siberia. I was sitting in the cabin with the guys. They were talking about something, but I wasn’t really paying any attention to that. I suddenly felt an urge to write, so I quickly excused myself. I went to my room and grabbed my notebook. I took my pen and wrote the words down. I didn’t think at all what I was writing, I just wrote. After I had finished, I looked what I had written.

“Temptation wreck my head
Temptation make u dead
Temptation sucks my soul
Temptation fill no whole
Temptation fuck u up
Temptation
No no no I can’t say no
I can’t let it go
No no no
Go away
Leave me be
Just leave me be”

~*~*~*~*~

I was in an airplane on my way back to San Francisco. We had just left from Moscow, so it would take some time to actually get to San Francisco, even if we had already been traveling longer than it would take us to get to San Francisco. I was, anyway, happy to be going home, as much as I had enjoyed my time in Siberia.

The two weeks I had spent there had really made me realize what I wanted. During those two weeks I also missed Deb the most. I hadn’t ever missed her as much. Of course, when I would finally get home, I couldn’t tell her that, since we weren’t talking. “You can’t be sure that she even wants to talk to you again,” a voice in my head said. Surely, it was right. She had all the reasons to not talk to me. I rushed a hand through my hair and sighed.

Andy offered me some vodka and I took it. After I had drunk the vodka, I remembered what had happened in my apartment earlier. Then drinking had felt wrong, but now... I didn’t feel anything. Except the alcohol warming me. I knew that I was controlling it now, so I supposed that was the reason why it felt different.

~*~*~*~*~

I walked into my house and left my bags in the foyer. I walked over to my answering machine and listened to my messages.

“Hey, buddy, give me a call when you get this message,” Kirk’s voice said. After a beep, I heard the next message.

“Hi, it’s Deb. I want to talk to you. Call me,” there were several similar messages from Deborah.

“Dude! Deb just called me, wondering where the fuck you are. I guess she’s left you messages, but, James, you can’t treat her like that. She’s your girlfriend,” Kirk said on another message. She’s not my girlfriend, but I got your point, Kirk, I thought.

“Hi, it’s Deb again. I called Bob and he told me that you’re in Siberia. I heard that you might be coming home around midnight, so don’t call me then. I do want to talk to you, but I've been on a plane then, so I'm hopefully sleeping. But me, Lars and Kirk agreed to have a meeting at the Presidio the following morning. I’ll be there around 10 or something. We need you to be there, too, so.... I’ll see you then...”

There were no more messages. I took the phone and called Kirk, as he had requested.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s James.”

“Hi. You’re back, I suppose?”

“Yeah. I just got home and I got your message, so...”

“My message?” Kirk asked, “Oh, yeah, I left that about a week ago. She thought that you didn’t want to talk to her. She wasn’t very happy either... You have to figure out what to do, buddy...”

“I know. And I’ve figured it out. I’ll talk to her tomorrow. You guys coming to Presidio, too? And when?”

“I think you should call her now,” Kirk said strongly. “And yeah, we’re meeting there tomorrow. Joe and Bruce are coming over around 9 or something, I talked to Joe and he said that he’d like to film our meeting.”

“Okay. Well, I’m a bit jet lagged, so I’m gonna be there later I guess. It’s about 3pm to me now...,” I said, “Or maybe not that much actually. When I was there I tried to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier, but anyhow. And I slept on the plane, too... And I thought I’d call Deb, but she specifically said not to call, so... I probably shouldn’t.”

“Suit yourself then. If she said that, then I guess you’re right. How was Siberia anyway?”

“Cold,” I said and laughed, “I’ll tell you all tomorrow. I’ll have some pictures then, too.”

“Okay, that’s cool... If you don’t mind and if you don’t have anything else, I should go. I’m a bit jet lagged myself, I was in Hawaii with Lani...”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah, see you,” Kirk said and we hung up.

~*~*~*~*~

When I arrived at the Presidio, everyone was there. I knew they had been expecting me; Deborah had said that she had some legal stuff to talk about with the entire band, and I assumed I had missed the whole thing. I went to the conference room, where we held our meetings. Deborah wasn't there, but I knew that she didn't want to be caught on tape, so I hadn't actually expected her to be there. I was a bit uncomfortable with the cameras, too; it felt like they were disrespecting my privacy. For example, when we were in sessions with Phil, discussing personal and private things, I didn't want to have a camera on my face, but Phil thought it was good for us, so the cameras stayed. Besides, the cameras were there to film the recording of the album, not just therapy.

I hugged the guys and we briefly talked about what we had been doing during the vacation.

“So, how was Russia?” Bob asked me when we had been sitting on the couches for a while, chitchatting about random things.

“It was... fucked up. You know, when you put a bottle of water on the table here, it was a bottle of vodka there,” I said with a laugh.

“Did you actually drink vodka?” Lars asked, sounding a bit shocked.

“Yeah,” I replied, knowing that Lars thought that I had done that because I was addicted, which I wasn’t. “There wasn’t anything else to drink, really, so I didn’t have a choice you know... As soon as I got there, the guides gave us glasses and it was like: ‘Na zdoroviya!’” I told. I had given the guys a stash of photos and Kirk was looking at a picture where I was standing next to bear that I had killed earlier.

“Is bear edible?” he then asked.

“No. It shocked me, but it’s understandable. They have been hibernating and shit. I actually shot my bears on day three, so I was sitting at camp for the rest of the time.”

“What did you do? Did you work on lyrics?” Lars asked.

“Yeah, I did,” I said and laughed along with the others, “I had a lot of free time, man. A lot of time.”

We chatted for a while and decided to go to the studio and jam around a bit. The cameras followed Kirk and Bob to the studio and I was left alone with Lars.

“Weren’t you supposed to be quitting?” he asked quietly.

“I’m controlling it. I was polite and there really wasn’t much else to drink,” I said.

“What about Deborah?”

“What about her?”

“What do you think she’s gonna say when she hears that you drank?”

“Dunno. Maybe she understands me...”

“James...,” Lars started. I could hear in his tone of voice that he was going to give me a lecture.

“What? This is none of your business, forget it,” I spat.

“Look, I just-”

“Let’s go jam,” I said, interrupting Lars.

I left the room, but before I went to the studio I went to my tiny office to leave the pictures there, so I could give them to Steffan, the editor of So What!, so that he could use them in my sponsor section of the magazine. To my surprise, I found Deborah there. She was concentrated on some papers and didn’t notice me walking into the room.

“Hi,” I said. She jumped on her, well, my, chair and looked up.

“My God, you scared me,” she said, “I'm sorry I'm here. I didn't want to be on camera and I had to u-”

“It's okay. And I'm sorry that I scared you.” I leaned onto the door frame, looking at her. She looked back at me for a second, and then turned to look away. “I uh... got your message last night, but I didn’t call, ‘cos you said not to, so...”

“That’s okay. I was sleeping anyway...”

“Yeah, so... You wanted to talk, right?” I was sensing some tension in the air. I knew that she wanted to talk to me, so, I assumed she had decided if she wanted to be with me or not, but not knowing what she decided was killing me. I didn't want to ask her just like that, and I knew, like Lars had said, that me drinking vodka in Siberia was going to be a problem. I knew that I was in control of my drinking, but she didn't and I had promised her I would quit... Which I hadn't done. So... She'd be pissed.

“Yeah...,” she said. She was quiet for a second and continued quickly, “Maybe we should do that later, though. I mean, you’re working and all, so...”

“I guess. What have you been doing these past few weeks?”

“Nothing much. I have been catching up with Christina and I went to see Mom. I got home late last night,” she said.

“That’s great,” I said. I walked over to the table and sat down. “You know, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I left, but... I wasn’t supposed to call you, so...”

“Yeah, that’s okay-”

“It’s not,” I cut her off. I looked at her in the eyes. “I haven’t been treating you right, you know. I should’ve told you.”

“Really, James, it’s okay. I told you not to call, so you didn’t. What surprises me is that you didn’t even tell Lars or Kirk, but you told Bob...” She looked at me and seemed confused. She had been thinking about that a lot.

“It’s not like that. I called them both, but they didn’t answer, Bob did... And I couldn’t wait, I left there so quick. It was a last minute thing. Andrew called me and said that he had one spot left on the plane, do I want to go or not.”

“Oh, I see...”

“So, will you come over tonight?” I asked hopefully.

“Yeah, if that’s okay.”

“It is,” I said. I felt like I should’ve said something else, but I didn’t know what.

“Well, I guess you should get going. You were supposed to jam, right?” Deb said.

“Yeah, we were. Come listen, please?” I asked her.

“Sure.”

We walked to the mixer and Deborah sat in the actual mixing-room, as Kirk, Lars, Bob and I went to the studio-room.
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, May 25, 2011, 5:51 am.
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metalgal4life
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For liberty ...and justice for all!!
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Ahhhh... just as I remembered.... I have really missed this fic! Thanks for reposting it! :D
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Scorpion Flower
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Nice update:)
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for commenting, you two! :)


PART 14:

Deborah:

I was sitting on the couch in the mixer with Randy, who was basically keeping the mixing equipment alive.

“As I said, I did some lyrics in Siberia and, this is one of them, it’s called ‘Temptation’,” James said in his microphone and started playing. I laid my head back and listened to him play. The others quickly joined and James started to sing. I liked this about Metallica. Despite their differences in opinions, they were in tune with each other, musically at least. They could just walk into a room and starting playing. Just like that.

The lyrics James had written were, once again, obvious to me, but... Well, this time I didn't know about him. Maybe he had finally realized that he had a problem, I didn't know. I felt tears in my eyes as I listened to him sing.

~*~*~*~*~

“Was it that bad?” James asked. He had noticed the tears earlier and now that we were alone, he obviously was concerned that something was wrong with me.

“What? No, it wasn't bad at all. I'm just... It's not that,” I said.

“What is it then?”

“Well... I... We can talk about it later.”

“Well, I thought that we could do it now. I know that we were supposed to be jamming and talking with the guys, but... they’re not here,” he said.

“No, just, be with the guys and then we'll talk later. I'll come over and we'll talk then, if that’s okay with you?”

“Okay then. Call me when you're coming. Or if you want to hang out here for a while, we can go together. Both ways work for me.”

“I suppose I can be here then... I'll be in your office, if that's okay.”

“Yeah, that's fine,” he said and started to get up. He sat back down and looked at me. “Did you like the song by the way?”

I nodded and smiled at him. “Yeah. I liked it. I really did.”

“I'm glad about that. You know... I... I uh, I missed you a lot while I was away. I don't think I've ever missed you that much,” James said quietly.

“I missed you, too. I tried to call you many times, as, I'm sure, you know already. When I didn't hear from you, I thought that you were avoiding me or something...”

“No, I wouldn't do that,” he said, giving me a little smile. “You know that I wanted to talk to you, too, so why would I avoid you?”

“Well, I don't know... I just thought that you were, so... What can you do about it?” I shrugged.

“Nothing I suppose,” he said and stretched his arms behind his neck. I glanced at him sideways and noticed that he looked gorgeous. I really thought that the break we had was good for us. I felt an urge to touch him, but I didn't dare, as I was the one to suggest a break.

“So... How was Siberia?” I asked, breaking the silence between us. I wanted to talk to him so bad, but I didn't want to keep him from doing his job. But since it didn't seem like he was in a hurry to go anywhere...

“It was good. I told the others before that it was kinda fucked up.”

I frowned. “How come?”

“Well... A bottle of water here was a bottle of vodka there,” he said quietly. I gasped a bit of air and I didn't know what to say. “Before you ask: Yes, I did drink. I'm not going to lie. But I wasn't drunk once and I didn't drink as much as the others. They didn't ask me if I wanted to have a drink, they just gave it to me and I-”

“Don't. No explanations, please,” I said, feeling numb. James had said that he was going to quit, but he had been lying to me.

“No. I want to explain,” he said and turned to look at me. “I'm not going to drink here-”

“I think that I've heard that before...”

“Yes, you have, I know that. Can't you just believe me once?” I thought he sounded a little frustrated.

“I've done that before, you know that, too. I believed you the last time when you said that you were not going to drink and I believed the time before that. And the time before... And so on... But you have only betrayed my trust.”

“Yeah, but... You know. After you had left my place, I poured all the alcohol in the sink like you did, too,” he said. I was silent, so he continued, “I felt really awful then. I felt sick. Then, when I drank in Siberia, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel sick or good...”

I didn't know what to say. Although, soon I didn't have to think of anything to say, as James left the room, slamming the door behind him. I sighed, stood up and left the mixer to go to James' office. I didn't see him anywhere while I was going to his office nor did I see any of the guys either.

~*~*~*~*~

There was a knock on the door and Kirk walked in.

“Oh, you're here. I thought that James was here,” he said.

“Nope. I haven't seen him in-,” I started and glanced my watch, “-3 hours... We were supposed to meet, but I don't know if that's gonna happen after all.”

“Well, he's been here and he is here somewhere, ‘cos his car is outside, but I thought that he was here then.”

“He's not.”

“I can see that,” Kirk said softly.

“Suppose you can. Did you need him then?”

“Not really. I was just wondering where he is.”

“Well, I don't know,” I said and turned to look at my papers. I had actually been staring at the same paper for a long time, unable to focus on it. Kirk walked over to James' desk and took a seat in front of me. I could feel him looking at me, but I continued to look at the paper.

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing at all,” I answered, still not looking at him. I knew that I couldn’t fool him.

“I know you better than that, Deb, we've been friends for 12 years-”

“11, I'd say, since we didn't know each other that well in the beginning,” I interrupted. However, Kirk continued, as though he hadn't been interrupted at all.

“-and I know you better than that. When you're acting like that, barely giving me a good answer, you're not all right. So come on, what has he done now?”

“Nothing. We talked and he left...”

“Would you care to continue?”

“No,” I said and looked at him. I wanted to keep this between me and James. I knew that talking to Kirk would help me, but it didn't feel right this time.

“Deb, I've known both of you for a long time. You know it'd help.”

“Kirk, I do know that, but no. I'm not talking about this. It's between me and James and not you.”

“Fine. Sorry.” He leaned back on the chair and looked at me. He wasn’t angry and I was glad.

“It's okay. How's Lisa?” I asked changing the subject.

“She's fine. She's visiting her parents now. I'm alone for a week or something...”

“Oh. And the dogs? They're fine, too?”

“Yeah. They're fine, too,” he said, “Look, Deborah. I care about you and if he's doing something that is hurting you, tell me, okay? Please?”

“I will,” I promised. “And he's not doing anything awful, he's just being himself. It’ll work out, I’m sure.”

“Alright, but I’m here for you, you know that... Except that I have to get going now.”

I laughed a bit. “Okay. I'll see you later then.”

“Yeah, see you,” I said and smiled at him.

After Kirk had left I looked at the wall of the office for a long time. I kept thinking about James' words. The part about him feeling sick was heartbreaking to hear.

The door opened and James walked in. He didn't say anything to me, but just took some papers and left. I sighed and looked at the closed door.
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, May 25, 2011, 5:52 am.
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Scorpion Flower
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Poor James. Deb is just SOOO stubborn:)
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Oh, but she's been through a lot... :) As you should know.



Part 15:

I stood up, gathered my things and went after James. I reached him at his truck, where he was just about to start it. I knocked on his window and he turned to look at me. I gestured him to put it down, which he did do.

“Where are you going to?” He tapped on the steering wheel before answering.

“Home.” He turned to look ahead.

“I thought we were supposed to go there together...”

“So did I.” He was very brief with his words. He was pissed off.

“Are you angry with me?”

He shook his head. “No, not angry.”

“What then?” Disappointed, I figured.

“I think you know.” He started his car.

I sighed. “Well, I suppose I do. I'm sorry... I didn't know what to say.”

“Why didn't you say that then?” he asked. He turned to look at me and he looked very, very disappointed.

“I don't know. It felt weird to hear you say that,” I said, tracing my finger lightly on his flame tattoo on his upper left arm. “I'm really sorry that you felt awful, in a way. But if you realized that you're hurting yourself, then it's good,” I continued, now looking at James' eyes, “I didn't mean to be rude or anything, but you were the one who left...”

“Yeah, so it's my fault then.”

“I didn't say that!” I exclaimed, frustrated. “Do whatever you want, leave, go home. Whatever, who cares,” I said and turned around to walk to my car.

“Drive behind me!” James yelled as I was unlocking my car door. I waved to him as a sign that I had heard and agreed.

~*~*~*~*~

I took a right turn onto James' driveway and parked my car in front of his garage. I stepped out of the car and walked to the front door with him.

“Do you want anything?” he asked when we got in.

“No, thanks.”

“Okay. Where do you want to talk then?” He turned to look at me expectingly.

I shrugged. “I don't know. You tell me, it's your house after all.”

“Okay, so... Maybe we could go the living room then,” he said and walked to the living room.

I walked behind him and looked at the house. He had done a great job with it. The walls had been painted and the floors had been redone also. I caught a glimpse of a room with stuffed animal heads, one of his obsessions that I hated. When he had been living in the little apartment (well, it was big, but little compared to this), he didn't have a good place for the heads, so he had stored them in various places. We reached the living room and I took a place in an armchair, which apparently was new, as I hadn't seen it before.

“Your place looks great. It's really different than the last one,” I said, hoping if I could compliment him, things might be better. Maybe he wouldn’t be so defensive if he knew that I wasn’t trying to make everything difficult.

“Thanks. I like it, too. I'm glad that Kirk knew about this place,” he said and smiled. I smiled back at him and turned to look at the walls. “So, we should talk then, right?”

“Yeah, but I don't know where to start.”

“Well, neither do I. I mean, you're the one who wanted to talk in the first place, so you start...”

“Don't you think that we should talk then?” I asked him.

“Well, I don't know. I guess we have to.”

“Okay. Well. Let me just say something first.”

“Shoot.”

“You asked me before why I was crying. You know, in my sleep one night?” He nodded. “I don't remember that I was crying, but I suppose I might have been crying, because I had a dream...,” I started and paused for a while. It was a little difficult for me to talk to him about this, especially now when I didn’t exactly know what was going to happen to us.

“Go on,” he said and smiled encouragingly.

“Well, in that dream we had a family and we were happy. I then realized that this is not the life that I want for myself. I want to have kids and I want to settle down. I know that you're not in the same place as I am, but I-,” I stopped, I couldn't continue anymore.

“But you what?” James asked. I shook my head, meaning that I couldn't continue. I was already fighting the tears.

I had practiced this conversation in my head a thousand times. I thought that it wouldn't be this difficult, but it was. I couldn't control myself, I just burst into tears.

James grabbed my hand, pulling me to him and hugged me tight. He held me for a while and after I had calmed down a little, I somehow found the courage to finish my sentence.

“But I want to have children and I'd like to have them with you, but since that's not going to happen, then I think that we should break up. I mean, I love you so much, but this life that I have now just doesn't make me happy,” I said. James looked very serious and I knew that he was thinking what to say.

“You know, I've been with Daniel and Lars and I can't say that having kids is so great... But I want to make you happy. I think I can do that now, when I have stopped drinking.”

“I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but I can't wait to have children. I want to have kids now. I mean, I'm turning 36 soon. I might not have too much time to wait.”

“So, if I'm not going to have kids with you, you're going to leave me and jump in the next guy’s pants?” he asked quietly. I let go of him quickly and sat back down, wiping at my eyes.

“Of course not!” I said and rolled my eyes. “I'm just saying that I can't wait too long. You have told me before that you don't want to have children. I respect that. But I want to have children. We're just different that way. I want something that you don't. And just because Lars and Daniel make having kids seem awful, it doesn't mean that it’s that way. I've seen them together, too, and I don't agree with you, at all. I think that they are cute together and they just make me want to have children more.”

“How long have you been thinking about having kids? I mean, seriously...”

“About a year, I think.”

“Why haven't you said anything to me before?”

“I have. And you said that you don't have time for children and you don't want to have kids, ever. I think you also said that you never want to get married and that it's just plain stupid.”

“When was this?”

“I don't know. Probably one of the times you came home and said that you weren't drunk even though you couldn't stand up... But I remember you telling me that and I took off. You never called me to apologize, even though you had been a bit mean.”

“Really?”

“No, just kidding. Yes, really. Why would I make that up?”

“Well, no reason I suppose. I'm sorry, I've been an idiot. I don't understand why you are even here... I mean, with me. Why haven't you already left me?” I looked up at him and it seemed that he was really, truly asking me that question.

“Because I love you. I have thought about leaving you many times, but then I've remembered how much fun we have sometimes and how amazing you are, when you want to...,” I said. James sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“I still don't understand it. I mean, I'm glad that you are here, but... I was going to ask why hadn’t you talked to me about my drinking and the fact that you're unhappy with me, but I remembered that you did, at least once.”

“Add a couple of times there,” I said gently.

“Then I mainly told you to piss off and leave me alone,” he said. It seemed like he was reminding himself of what had happened.

“Yeah, I remember that time. I didn't call you for a week. Then one day you showed up at my place and said that you were sorry.”

“That's the stuff that has been going wrong all the time...”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“That's going to change now. I'll make you happy,” James promised.

~*~*~*~*~

James and I had talked everything through and we were doing great now. He had told me that he didn't get along with Lars so well, but things between them had apparently soothed a bit, though. I had been spending some time at James' house and I had seen him coming home from work a couple of times. He had been happy and I was happy for him. James had stayed away from alcohol, at least as far as I knew and I was happy about that, as well.
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