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| Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001- | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,654 Views) | |
| Broken, Beat & Scarred | July 13, 2011, 4:59 am Post #76 |
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One split coming up... Thanks for your comments, everyone! PART 20: I was sitting on James’ bed, towel drying my hair and waiting for him to get out of the shower. We had finished the movie and... Well, now it hadn’t been a year since we had had good sex. He came out soon, wearing his briefs and watched me. I got up, walked to him and gave him a big hug. “It was great,” I said quietly. “’Twas, darling,” he said and kissed my temple softly. “Ready to go to sleep already?” “Sure,” I said and walked to the bed with him. We got under covers and he pulled me close to him, looking me in the eyes. “Did we come to a conclusion on the baby thing?” James asked. “I suppose so, you don’t want one and I do, so that’s it,” I answered. “So... We’re breaking up then?” “Unless one of us changes his or her opinion, then yes. And I’m not changing mine.” “Me neither.” “So, there you go...,” I said and sighed. “I can take my stuff out tomorrow. I suppose that they’re still in the box, right?” “Boxes, I think, but yes. And... We can still hang out and be friends, right? I wouldn’t want to lose you completely...” “You won’t. And I don’t want to lose you either,” I said. I felt tears gathering in my eyes and turned my back to him. I felt like he didn’t need to see that I was so sad about this, I mean, it had been my idea in the first place. I just hadn’t had the guts to start the conversation that would lead to us breaking up. Besides, I had somehow thought that it would have been easier for me to let him go, but it wasn’t. I loved him more than ever and I really didn’t want to leave him. But I knew I had no choice. “You won’t lose me,” he said quietly and pulled me closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my shoulder lightly. “I’ll still love you, you know. It won’t change overnight, and most likely not any time soon, either.” “You’ll find someone else,” I said between sobs. “I won’t. I will never find anyone who will mean as much to me as you do. There’s no chance for that to happen...,” he said quietly. I turned to face him and saw that he was looking really sad. “I really don’t want to do this and I can see that you don’t either, so-” “I have to. I want to have children; I can’t be with you. I want to, but I can’t...” “I know, but-” he started. I put my finger on his lips. “Don’t. I know what you are going to say, but no, I can’t. I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault, honey, it’s not. We’re just different that way,” he said quietly and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Let’s just sleep now and we can talk in the morning, okay?” I nodded and closed my eyes. I felt his hand caressing my back softly and I drifted off to sleep after a while. ~*~*~*~*~ “I’m going then,” I said. James was eating breakfast in the kitchen and I was in the foyer with all my stuff. “Come here for a second,” he said, “You haven’t eaten anything, have you?” he continued. I walked to the kitchen and said that I hadn’t. “Well, eat something then. You don’t have to go right away.” “I know... It’s just that... Well, we’re broken up and-” “But we’re still friends. We agreed on that. You can eat here...” “Yeah, I’m sorry,” I said with tears in my eyes. James noticed the tears, walked to me and gave me a hug. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never been friends with anyone after a break-up... I just... I don’t know.” “It’s okay, honey,” he said quietly and kissed away the tears that had fallen on my cheeks. I hugged him tightly and cried against his chest. I startled as I heard a knock on the door. “I’ll go get that. It’s probably Kirk. He called and said that he was coming over. You eat something now, okay?” he asked, lifting my chin and looked me in the eyes for a moment. I nodded and he left. I heard Kirk’s voice from the foyer and heard them walking towards the kitchen. I brushed away the tears and prepared to see Kirk who would instantly know that I wasn’t all right. A few days later: I had talked a lot with Kirk and Christina. I had intentionally avoided James, which hadn’t exactly been really hard, as he hadn’t called me and I hadn’t had a meeting with the band. Now I was in my car, driving to James’ place. I was going over to apologize and to tell that I had acted foolishly. I had come to realize that I could be with James. Leaving him because he didn’t want to have a child didn’t help me at all. I mean, he was the one with whom I wanted to have a child. If I couldn’t have a child with him, then I couldn’t have a child at all. I knew that it was stupid of me to think of this after we had broken up; I should’ve thought things through while I still was with him. For all I knew, he could have moved on. “Nah, after what he said, not likely,” I told myself, assuring me that he would still stand behind those words. “I will never find anyone who will mean as much to me as you do. There’s no chance for that to happen...,” he had said. I parked my car on the street next to James’ house. I walked up to the door and as I was just about to knock on it, I heard voices from the patio. “Last night was great, James,” a woman said. “Yeah, it was...,” James answered, sounding a little absent. “Breakfast was great, too. I’m glad you finally called me and asked me to come here,” the woman said. “I’m going to take a shower, wanna join me?” she continued. It didn’t take much to understand what was going on between them. “No, I have to make a few phone calls, you go ahead,” he answered. I felt sick. Just a few days ago, James had told me that he loves me and that he would never hurt me. “Okay, do what you have to do. Will you finish your beer, or can I take it away?” “You can take it, thanks,” James answered. “I’m just gonna go there and call Lars,” he continued. I heard footsteps coming my way. I really wanted to leave, but I was unable to move. As I saw James, he had his cell phone on his ear. He saw me and stopped. “Deb... I...,” he started, “Lars, I gotta go,” he said to Lars, closed it and put it in his pocket. I was silent and just stared at him. “How long have you been here? And why are you here?” He looked shocked. “You have another woman in here? You’ve been drinking?” I asked in return. “She’s just a friend.” He appeared very nervous, glancing behind him as if he was afraid that the woman might come around the corner and see me there. “Yeah... ‘Last night was great, join me in the shower’... I understand. Perfectly.” “Why are you here?” he repeated. “I came to say that I’ve been thinking and I might have been wrong... And I was wrong, when I thought that it would be a good thing to come here... Or, maybe it was; now I see what kind of a jerk you are.” “Can I, please, explain?” he asked and walked to me. “I don’t care!” I yelled. I felt tears on my cheeks and his hand brushing them away. I backed a few steps. “Don’t you touch me!” “I’m sorry, I-” “I seriously don’t care anymore. I don’t know why I continue to believe you. You just let me down every single time. Just... Forget about me and continue your life as you wish, drink, have sex with others while you claim to be in love with someone else... Whatever.” “James?” the woman called him and appeared to my sight behind the corner where James had come a while ago. She was wearing nothing but a lacy bra and tiny panties that barely covered anything. I stared at her and she looked at me for a while. She walked to James, swaying her hips sexily and then wrapped her arm around James’ waist. “I can’t find the towels, could you help me?” James glanced at her and then me. He grabbed her wrist and pushed her back. “No. Get your stuff and leave.” “What?” “Go. Leave. This was a mistake,” James said. The woman had a look of disbelief on her face as she went inside. James looked at me, “I do love you, honey, but we broke up,” he said. “So? I couldn’t do what you did. Not to someone I love, whether or not I was in a relationship with that person. Even though you didn’t theoretically cheat on me, it sure does feel like it. So... I’m just gonna go. Goodbye and have a nice life,” I said, turned around and started to walk back to my car. I heard James asking me to wait and stop. I didn’t and I soon heard his footsteps behind me. “Could you just fucking wait?!” he yelled. “No!! I’ve done that. I’ve waited for you in your apartment. I’ve waited for you in god knows where. I’m not doing it anymore! Just leave me alone,” I said and continued to my car. “I’m sorry. I really am,” I heard him say. “So am I. Do everyone a favor and get help. And, seriously, leave me alone. Don’t bother calling or anything; I don’t want to hear from you ever again, alright?” I closed the car door and drove away. |
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| ElisabethOrion | July 13, 2011, 5:24 am Post #77 |
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I'm creatively constipated.
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| Scorpion Flower | July 13, 2011, 6:22 pm Post #78 |
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Outlaw Torn
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It begins...but I have to say I am on James's side on this one. That's the way guys do it, have sex and drink, to get over things. Deb broke up with him, so why all the fuss? |
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | July 14, 2011, 6:23 pm Post #79 |
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Thanks for your comments. I just played Monopoly Metallica for 3 hours, without anyone winning, and my neck and back are killing me and my battery's dying, so, I'll try to get this update done. This chapter includes a one-song soundtrack, which can be found here. The lyrics to the song, and the point where the song should be played, is at the end of the update. Let me know what you think!PART 21: “So... What do you say?” he asked. “I... I don’t know. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to, but I’m afraid...,” she answered quietly. He had finally asked her if she wanted to start dating him, officially. Why wasn’t it any easier? Why did she have to hesitate? “Of what?” “That I’ll end up hurting myself again. It’s just... I’m... It’s not... I don’t know.” “Why won’t you try and finish at least one of those sentences, okay?” he asked. She looked up at him and saw that he was smiling a little. “The last two relationships I was in have both ended when the guys have been cheating on me. Okay, well, Kirk didn’t cheat on me, but I don’t see that as a real relationship... But after Kirk... You know, we were engaged,” she told him. She felt tears on her cheeks and his hand brushing them away. “I understand,” he said, “and now you’re afraid that I’ll do that, too?” She nodded. “I’m sorry, it’s not that I wouldn’t trust you, but-” “Deb, I understand, you don’t need to explain yourself.” “I want to explain,” she said and looked at him. “As I was saying, it’s not that I wouldn’t trust you, but I know how you live while you’re on tour. The girls, the drinking, the drugs... I just don’t want to take the risk... I know that sounds, and is, really selfish, but I just can’t. I’m sorry.” “Don’t apologize, sweetie, I understand,” he said quietly. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. “I really like you, Deborah, and all I can say is that I would never do that. And you’re allowed to be selfish when it comes to your life. That’s absolutely fine.” “I do believe you, but I just really don’t want to take the risk...,” she repeated. “And I like you, too, a lot. I’d like to think for a while... I’m sorry that it’s like this, I just-” “Hush. You don’t need to explain, I understand,” he repeated. “And you know... What you said about our tours... I don't do all that. I drink, yeah, but that's it. No women or drugs for me. But you can think about us dating as long as you want. Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “Or well, actually, I am, but not in the sense that you would need to give me an answer now...,” he added. She laughed a bit and smiled at him through her tears. “And you know what?” “What?” “You have absolutely no reason to apologize to me because of something that has happened to you in your past. Don’t do that ever again, okay?” “Okay. I promise that,” she smiled. ~*~*~*~*~ “Do you really have to go?” she asked, even though she knew the answer. “Yeah, it wouldn’t be much of a show without the singer and the other guitarist, you know... I’m gonna miss you, though. I wish we’d have had more time.” “Me too... But it’s not like we’re not gonna see each other ever again... I mean, I’m still your lawyer...” They were both silent for a while. “You know... I was just thinking that maybe you’d want to come with us? We’re doing eight shows in the States. That’s from... the ninth ‘til the twentieth, I think. That way we could spend some time together and you’d see your favorite guys on stage.” “That might be nice... And thanks.” “For what?” He stroked her hair softly, while she was looking at her hands. He smiled when he thought about this woman. She was so shy, delicate, and yet she was at times the complete opposite, when she was working, for example, dealing with any legal case, she was hard and tough. Amazing. “For being patient with me.” “Don’t thank me for that. This is really nice, you know, I don’t usually do anything like this.” “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t,” she replied and got up from his couch. She had had a nasty feeling about this. Maybe he didn’t really care about her. Maybe he just wanted to sleep with her and it would be more work for him with her. A bit of a challenge. “I should go,” she said and walked to the door. “What did I just do?” he asked and walked to her. “Nothing. I just remembered something. I’m sorry. I have to go,” she said and grabbed her jacket. “I’m not buying that. Is it about the tour, you don’t want to go after all?” he asked. “It’s not that.” “What then?” “I really have to go and do something. I’ll talk to you later.” ~*~*~*~*~ “Kirk? It’s Deborah.” “What’s wrong?” “I... Nothing.” “Don’t lie. I know you, I can hear that you’re not alright. Besides, James called me...” “He told you what happened?” “His version, yes. Why don’t you tell me yours?” “Is he really serious with me? I mean... Really serious, so that he... isn’t just going to sleep with me and leave me...?” “Sweetie, he’s crazy about you. Haven’t you seen how he looks at you?” “Well, I just... This is hard for me... I don’t want that this will end like before...” “It won’t. Call him and tell him what you think. He’ll tell you that it’s not like that. He wants you on the tour, because he likes you so much and he wants to spend time with you. I promise. And, personally, I wouldn’t mind having you there, either.” “Okay, I’ll call him then. Thanks.” She dialed James’ phone number and he picked up soon. “Deborah?” “Yeah, I’m sorry I left like that.” “What did I do? Just tell me, okay? I know I did something, just tell me what it was, okay?” “You said that you normally don’t do anything like this... I got the feeling that you just wanted to sleep with me and then get on with your life...” “Deborah, sweetie, that’s not what I meant. I think that it’s nice to take things slowly. I usually don’t do that... I really like you and I’d like to spend more time with you. But this tour is on the way. So if you were there, it-” “Yeah, I’ll be there,” she replied, smiling. ~*~*~*~*~ [present] James: I watched Deborah drive away and walked slowly back to my house. She had been so right; I had let her down every single time she had believed me, or in me. That woman, whatever her name was, was waiting for me on the porch. “What was that about?” “She... She was the one thing that I love almost more than anything.” “So... Why am I here?” “I don’t know. I was drunk and I thought that she wouldn’t come back.” “From where?” “No, come back to me. We were together for four years. She wanted to have a child, but I didn’t, so we broke up... Now, she apparently came here to tell me that she had rushed her decision... And now she’s definitely not coming back. Not after what I did...” “Well, can’t you tell her that you love her and that you were drunk when you hooked up with me? I mean, if you weren’t even together, then she doesn’t have a reason to be mad,” I looked at this woman. She seemed to be genuinely interested and it seemed that she really wanted to help. I shook my head. “No. My explanations won’t do anything, not anymore. When we started dating, she made it perfectly clear that if I ever lied to her or cheated on her, she would leave me in a heartbeat. I haven’t technically cheated on her, but saying that I love her, I’ll never hurt her, breaking up and then sleeping with someone else... Well, I would say that that’s close enough. I’ve been lying to her too much, too. She has forgiven me, but now... I can’t blame her. I mean, really, she should’ve left me a long time ago,” I moved past the woman to go inside the house. She grabbed my arm and I turned to look at her. “Look, you’re in love with this woman, I can see that. Talk to her, do what you need to do. I don’t want to be involved with you, since you love her, it wouldn’t be right to me, or to you, or to her. If you need to talk, you have my number. I don’t expect to hear from you, but I wish you all the best.” “Thanks. I don’t know if that helps. But thanks and I’m sorry,” the woman smiled at me and left. I walked inside to the kitchen and pulled out a whiskey bottle. This, I thought as I looked at the bottle, is my escape along with music. My escape from everything... I drank and drowned my sorrows in alcohol, just as I had done so many times before in my life. When mom died, when Cliff died, when I was burned, when dad died, when Deb and I had had an argument, when I had fought with Lars, when Deb had left me, when I had screwed up. I heard music in my head, that song, which lately had become so familiar to me... “So many times I have brought you down that I have already lost all count and I seem to be doing it again No matter how hard I have tried I have crumbled time after time and kept failing in the end Sometimes it feels it would be better for you all If I ceased to exist or was never born at all So many times I have let you down shadowed the shine of our sun and drowned you in tears and misery that it is hard for me to see how you can after all these years still be standing by me Sometimes it feels it would be better for us all If I ceased to exist or was never born at all Sometimes it feels it would be easier to fall than to flutter in the air with these wings so weak and torn” I hit my fist in the wall so many times that it started bleeding. I screamed and yelled. I trashed the house. Finally, when I had gotten most of the anger out, I fell on my bed, saying my apologies to Deborah and fell asleep. Or maybe I passed out. |
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| Elli <3's Papa Het | July 14, 2011, 8:37 pm Post #80 |
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Frantic
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gimme moar!! lovin it more and more ^^ |
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| Scorpion Flower | July 15, 2011, 7:39 pm Post #81 |
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Outlaw Torn
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Well, I do understand Deb's point, but I am still on James's side on this. She broke up with him, he didn't cheat, and she doesn't have the right to feel cheated. James drinking...yeah....
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | July 16, 2011, 4:58 pm Post #82 |
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Thanks for your comments, again. Here's the next update, hope you like it! ![]() PART 22: It had been about a week since I had been at James’ the last time. I had talked to Christina a lot about all that had happened. I hadn’t talked to James, Kirk, or Lars at all. All three of them had called me a dozen times, at least. I couldn't bring myself to listen to the messages the three of them had left me. I couldn't even think about James without feeling my heart breaking in a million pieces. I wasn't really angry with him, I had no reason to be. But it didn't mean that I wasn't hurt by what he had done. I had left Lars a message yesterday, saying that I needed to talk to them all. We had agreed to have a telephone conference. What I didn’t mention, was that this time I would have my own lawyer ‘with’ me. Now, I was on the phone with John, my lawyer and colleague. I was just adding Metallica’s phone line to our conversation. “Is everyone there?” I asked when Bob had let me know that they had been successfully added to the conversation. I heard four ‘yeahs’. “Who’s missing?” “No-one,” Lars said. “I only heard four yeahs.” “James didn’t say anything,” Lars said. “I’m here,” James replied. “Okay... So... I’ve made a decision and, Lars, you can’t talk me out of this.” “I didn’t say anything!” Lars cried out. I could practically see him waving his hands and looking confused. “I know, but you will and I’m saying that it’s no use.” “Fine.” “Cut to the chase, Walker, we have an album to do,” James said. His voice was cold and different than normally. And well, he rarely called me by my last name. I figured he was angry with me for not returning his phone calls, or something like that. “What the fuck is the matter with you?” Lars asked, “We aren’t getting anything done here. This is better than to sit around and fucking argue over everything!” “I fucking-” James started. “Guys, James’s right,” I interrupted him. “The faster I get this over with, the better it is. So... I quit.” “What?! You can’t quit!” Lars exclaimed. “I actually can. The contract obligates me to find a substitute for myself. Now, I should give you two weeks' notice, but I'm quitting right now. So, I'll have to reimburse you for any financial effects this might have on the business. I'm not going waste your precious time by discussing the details. So, in short, John’s taking over and I’m paying you whatever I need to. How much is it, John?” “If I’ve done my math right, 15,000 dollars.” “W-why are you d-doing this?” Kirk stuttered nervously. “I can’t work with you anymore.” “Why?” “Because, in that room there are people who I don’t trust and who I can’t look in the eyes anymore. I’ve decided that I’m quitting and I do not want to have anything to do with Metallica,” I said. There was a silence and then I heard a door being slammed shut. “Who was that?” “James,” Lars answered, confirming my suspicions. “Can I just a-ask something?” Kirk asked. “Sure.” “Let me ask something first,” Lars said quickly, “How many of us is ‘people’?” I bit my lip and tried to think what to say. “One of you. But he’s the most important one to me.” “So... The rest of us haven’t done anything wrong, but what you’re doing affects us all.” “Yes, Kirk, but John here is an excellent lawyer, so you’re safe.” “I don’t care about that,” he said, quickly adding, “No offense, John...” He took a deep breath and continued, “Just that you’re doing this to all of us, instead of the one that is causing this, I-” “So, what should I do? Talk you guys into kicking him out of the band, so I could work with you? Yeah... Any chance that’s gonna happen?” “That’s not what I mean. When you say that you don’t want anything to do with Metallica, you mean that us who haven’t done anything wrong are going to be cut out of your life, right?” I knew what Kirk was saying. And I had thought about it a lot. We were friends, we were close friends, and what I was doing meant that I was cutting him out of my life. “Yes, but-” “So, because James and you are... well, what? Broken up? We’re also... we also have to deal with the consequences.” “Well, yeah-” “And how many times have you broken up before but then gotten back together?” “Many. But it’s over now. And-” “What do-” “Would you let me finish? For God’s sakes!” I exclaimed. Kirk was silent, so I continued, “If you think that this is easy for me, then, boy, are you wrong. This has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. You guys have done so much for me that I could never thank you enough. I mean, when I didn’t have a job after I finished law school, you hired me. When I was heart-broken, because of Tom and the others, you guys spent so much time with me and when I finally had feelings for James, you were so supportive and you helped me, and him, to start our relationship. Despite what's happened with him now, I'm grateful that I had the chance to be with him. I love you all so much for helping me out so many times, in so many different ways. But whenever I think about any of you, I think of James and I can feel my heart breaking again. So, maybe this is temporary, maybe one day I can think about you and think of him, or maybe one day I can look him in the eyes and not feel any sadness, but right now... I can’t. It just breaks me. This is something I need to do. And you have no idea how hard this is for me. I’ve been crying the past days just because I decided to do this...” There was a long silence again. I heard someone clear their throat. “You don’t have to pay,” Lars said. “And I’m sorry that you feel that way. I do understand, but it’s hard to imagine that our 11-year-friendship is ending because of him...” “I know, that's... I hate that I have to do this, but I really, really hope that it won’t end. Hopefully this will only be a break for an undisclosed amount of time,” I said. “Do you guys have any questions?” “I do,” Lars said, “But it’s not about this, so not really.” “I don't really have any questions either, but could we get together today or tomorrow? Just... I don't want things to end like this, on the phone,” Kirk asked me. “If there’s nothing else, I should get going; I’m a bit late from a meeting. I’ll call you guys later this week, so we can set up a meeting. That is, if you decide to hire me,” John said. “Yeah, consider yourself hired. I’ll have Cliff Burnstein call you for details,” Lars said. “Deb, can I talk to you?” “Sure,” I said as John disengaged himself from the conversation. “Kirk, come over tonight, okay?” “Uh-huh.” I heard a door open and close and right after that Lars picked up the phone. “So... What about the custody issue? I mean, is that going to this John-guy as well?” “Yeah, unless if you want to have someone else do it. Besides, it’s practically done anyway... You’re just gonna have to decide on the times and stuff. As you know, you got the custody, but you’re going to have to let her see Daniel. And John is an excellent lawyer, he can do it...” “Okay, that’s settled then. And when are you going to talk to Hetfield? You know he loves you and-” “Stop, please,” I begged, “I can’t talk about it. You have no idea how it hurt me. And hurts. The last relationship before him ended, when I found Tom in bed with someone else. With James it was different, sure, we had already broken up, but everything he told me... It’s like it meant nothing. If he’d done this when he was drinking and treating me badly... I might have not done this... I don’t know, but after everything he said... I can’t... I just can’t.” “Still talking to her?” I heard James asking from the background. “None of your business, so get out,” Lars answered. “I don’t have to, this is my studio.” “So, I’ll go,” Lars said, “I’ll call you on my cell in a bit, okay?” “Okay.” As Lars was putting the phone down; I heard glass shattering and him cursing in Danish. I sighed and put my phone down, waiting for him to call back. Soon my phone rang again. “What did he do?” I asked as I answered. “Broke a bottle of whiskey...” “Tell him to get help. He’s just ruining his life...” “I know, he doesn’t listen to me,” Lars answered and sighed. “So, I guess there’s nothing you can do about that then...” “You could talk to him.” “Seriously, Lars, do you not understand what I’m saying? I can’t talk to him!” “Okay, okay, I get it...,” he said in a comforting tone. “Good. Now, anything else?” “How’s it gonna work out with John?” “I’ll give him all the paperwork I have, I mean, your paperwork and he takes care of your stuff.” “What about his pay? Do we pay him as much as we pay you, or...?” “Your choice. Or well, he should be okay with it, but basically your choice...” “So... We do a new contract with him? How do we know that he isn’t cheating and taking all of our money away?” “I guess I could do the contract. I’ll make sure it’s all right and have him and you guys sign it. And I also guarantee that he won’t cheat and take your money. He’s a good guy, really.” “I guess you know him better than I...” “I do and I give you my word on him. He’s trustworthy.” “Alright. That’s all I guess...” “Okay. I love you and tell that to Kirk as well. I’m gonna miss you guys...” “We love you, too, take care of yourself. And if you need anything, ever, just call. In the middle of the night or in six months... Call. If you wanna tell me how fucking annoying Hetfield is or if you just wanna say that you found the perfect ice cream flavor. Call. Okay?” “I will. Bye, Lars.” “Bye, Deborah,” Lars answered quietly. I sighed and put the phone down. I got up and walked to the kitchen where Christina was preparing lunch for us. When she noticed the look on my face, she pulled me into a hug and I burst into tears. “I’m guessing you did it,” she said quietly. I nodded. “You did the right thing, honey. Cry as much as you want to, it’ll just make you feel better.” “It won’t. I’ve cried for days and I’m not feeling any better,” I wept, even though I knew that she was right. “I have to go,” I said, as she pulled herself away from me. “Where?” “Away. Somewhere. Just not here.” “I understand. Do you want some company on your trip to somewhere?” “Sure,” I said, smiling a bit. I brushed the tears away from my face. “Where should we go?” “I don’t know. You choose?” “In the country, or abroad?” “Sweetie, you pick, whatever you want. I’ll be with you.” |
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| Scorpion Flower | July 16, 2011, 6:17 pm Post #83 |
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Outlaw Torn
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I undertstand Deb's point, I wouldn't be able to deal with a guy if I had broken up with him and having to deal with him every day for work. Angry James is just too cute for words:) Still...she provoked all this...
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | July 18, 2011, 4:46 pm Post #84 |
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Thanks for commenting! ![]() Here's the next part. ![]() PART 23: Several weeks later: Christina and I had been in Europe for almost a month, she had shown me some of her favorite places and we had found a few places that we agreed to visit again later, at some point. When we returned back to San Francisco, Christina and Dan decided to start living together. Even though Dan wasn’t able to move anywhere this year – he had a lot going on at work - the decision was made nonetheless. Christina and I had gone to look at some houses they could rent, or buy, but they were all a bit too expensive, so they decided on just renting an apartment. Right now, we were at our place. I was... late. “Ready?” Christina asked. I shook my head and said that I wasn’t. “Well, you don’t really have a choice. Here, just do it and get it over with,” she said and gave me a little box, which I took and walked to the bathroom. “I’m sure it’ll be fine!” she hollered behind me. Minutes passed and Christina came to the kitchen to see me. “Ready?” “No.” “Want me to tell you?” she asked. “I think it’s quite obvious, but yeah.” “Yes,” she said simply. That just crushed my world, and, at the same time, it didn’t. “Shit. I have to call him now. I can’t do that. I’m not ready.” I felt tears in my eyes. Christina hugged me and let me calm down a little before continuing to push me toward what I already knew I had to do. “I know, well, I can imagine how difficult this is for you. I know how hurt you were, but... but you still don’t have a choice. Just call him and get it over with,” she said and handed me her cell phone. I dialed the number and reached his voice mail. “Umm... Hi, James, it’s Deborah. I... I have to talk to you, please, call me when you get this message,” I handed the phone back to Christina and tried not to look at her. ~*~*~*~*~ It was December when my phone rang just as I was going to sleep. I turned around, reaching for my phone. I was sure that it was Christina calling and telling that she had had a fight with Dan or something like that. No one else called me at this time. Well, James used to... It had been about 6 months or so since I had heard from him the last time... It was obvious that he wasn’t going to get back to me. I shook my head trying to get him out of my head. “Hello?” “Hi,” a familiar voice said. I had to think for a while to realize who was calling me. “Did I wake you?” “Lars?” I asked surprised, as I sat up. This was something I really didn’t expect. “Yeah.” “Why are you calling me?” “Well, I’m at James’ to check on the house and I just noticed that he had messages. You’ve been calling him a lot, I haven’t noticed,” he said, as if there wasn't anything else to explain. He started munching on something, which was driving me crazy. “Would you stop that?” “What?” “Eating. It's annoying.” “I'm sorry, I haven't yet learned to exist without nourishing myself,” he said and chuckled. I snorted. “Anyway, you've been calling James.” “Yeah, I have.” “Yeah... I just noticed your messages. Otherwise I would have called you before...” “Why can’t James listen to his messages? Or call me?” “You don’t know?” I could tell from his tone of voice that he was very surprised. “Know what?” I frowned. “No-one called you?” “What?” “I can’t believe they didn’t tell you...,” he said and muttered something I couldn’t make out. “Tell me what? Is he alright?” I asked, getting really worried about James. It had been months, but it didn’t mean that I didn’t care about him. I did. A lot. Maybe a little too much. “Well... uhh...” “Lars! Tell me!” “Well, he hasn’t been around for five months...,” Lars said. I was puzzled. “What do you mean ‘he hasn’t been around’? Is he dead or something?” I asked. “Oh my God. He’s not dead, is he?” “What? No! No, no, he’s alive. You seriously don’t know?” “No, I don’t. Tell me. Where is he?” I was wide awake by now. “James is in rehab. We got him to go there for a visit and he stayed. It was on the news and there’s a note on our website and-” “And I haven’t seen them,” I cut him off, “In case you don’t happen to remember, I wanted to have nothing to do with Metallica, so I wouldn’t know what's on the website and what isn't,” I said. “He’s in rehab?” I asked whispering. I couldn’t believe it. All those times that I had asked him to go there... Just for a while, and he hadn’t... But now... Now he had. I was happy about him, but I was also a little angry. Just because things might have been very, very different if he had gone there when I had asked him to... “Yeah... Fock, I really thought you knew...” “Well, I didn’t.” “After you quit, he started to drink again... He was in a really bad shape and we talked to him and he finally agreed to visit the facility. He said something about believing you for once. Then... Then he just stayed there. He first said that he would be away for 6 or 8 weeks, but he’s still there,” Lars said and fell silent. “I don’t know if he’ll ever come back to us... I just hope that he’ll at least come and finish the record, but... I don’t know. It’s just focking weird to sit around and wait for him.” “Well, if you happen to talk to him, then, please, tell him that I need to talk to him. It’s important.” “He has only talked to Kirk, but the last time he talked to him, James pretty much said that he needs time to himself and he’s not in Metallica right now... So, we haven’t talked to him after that... He’s my brother, I want to help him, but I fucking don’t know what to do. We fought so much that I don’t know if he hates me or something... I mean... Even when we were working with Phil... I felt like we weren't getting anything done. I don’t know if he has anyone to talk to... He obviously doesn’t want to talk to any of us... And well, you’re not exactly his first choice, either... He’s not in touch with anyone from his family... He’s alone. I don’t know how the fuck this is gonna play out.” I suddenly remembered something James had said to me earlier. “I don’t feel good around him anymore. It’s just arguing all the time. I think that things are coming to an end...,” he had said. I hoped that he and Lars would be able to settle things between them and continue with Metallica. Metallica was their baby anyway and I knew deep down that neither of them wanted to leave Metallica, no matter what they’d say. “Who's Phil?” “Umm... He's this performance coach that's been working with us for... well, since Jason quit. Haven't... I mean, James never mentioned him?” “No...” I didn't know what to think. Okay, so, the drunk James wouldn't have told me about them having a therapist helping them get along, but I would have assumed that the sober James, the loving one, might have mentioned that. “Well, don't take it too personally,” Lars said, as if reading my thoughts. “James wasn't comfortable with having him around, and he was against hiring in the first place. Burnstein wanted to get us talking to each other, and hired him. But... I mean, it's like James didn't even acknowledge him, so, I'm not surprised that he never told you about him.” “Yeah...” Before I managed to say anything else to Lars, he said, “Well, I should get going, it was nice talking to you. Remember that you can still call me if you want. Anytime.” “Thanks. Tell Kirk I said hi. I... I miss you guys.” “We miss you, too.” “Bye-bye, Lars.” “Bye,” he said and I put my phone away. I stared at the roof for a while and thought about what I had found out. I really was glad that James had entered rehab, but I was a bit offended that no one had told me about it, and that he hadn't told me that they had been trying to work things out at the studio with the help of a therapist. We might have been able to rescue our relationship, just maybe, with the therapist's help. But I couldn't understand why not even John, who had been working for them for nearly six months, who I considered my friend, hadn't told me that James had finally gone to rehab. It also made sense to me why James hadn't called; he obviously hadn’t heard my messages. But while I wondered why John hadn't told me about James, I knew the answer to that question; I had told him that I didn’t want to hear about them at all. Under no circumstances... Of course, since then, my circumstances had become very different... But I still hadn’t gotten over James and what he had done. I wasn’t mad at him, I had no reason to be, but I was still deeply hurt by his actions. However, I had realized that I could already think of Lars and Kirk without thinking of James and that I could actually think of James without feeling miserable. That was something. |
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| Scorpion Flower | July 18, 2011, 7:43 pm Post #85 |
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Outlaw Torn
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What a surprise for him when he comes back...LOL |
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| ilovejaymz | July 25, 2011, 9:03 am Post #86 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Read it all now, and i love it... pleeeeeaaase don't wait to long between each update
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | July 25, 2011, 4:01 pm Post #87 |
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Nice, a new reader. I try to update every couple of days, if possible. Thanks to both of you for commenting, and here's the next update. Hope you like it. PART 24: It was the second week of May, 2002. Christina had been sleeping over at my place for a few nights, to help me out. She had been out with Dan and had just come home. I glanced at the watch and jokingly reminded her that she had missed her curfew, after all, it was nearly 10PM and she had told me she'd be home by 9PM. She made a face and sat on the couch next to me and handed me an envelope. “This is for you,” she said. I frowned. “What is it?” I asked. “A letter for you, I’d say. Not mine, don’t know.” “At this hour? I grabbed the mail four hours ago when we got home.” I opened the envelope and pulled out two papers. The first one said, “James here!! Alive and getting well. Wow, where do I start? ... Recovery is the most difficult and challenging thing Ive ever attempted. Also the most grounding and gratifying gift Ive received. Ive so much to say. I feel Ive ben away a lifetime...in a way I have. My rough road has become smoother reading the show of support from the friends Ive met through Metallica. Ive not seen nor felt such potent real heart connecting words put together as these. Thank you. They move me deeply. My music and lyrix have always ben a therapy for me. Without this Godgiven gift I dont know where Id be. And now I truly feel the impact and connection Its made with others. Struggle to struggle. Pain to pain. Human to human, not idol to fan, fan to idol. Clarity has put me in a humble and serene place to receive this connection in return and feel it helping heal me. Every breath I take becomes deeper and more confident of myself without my crutches. The lies Ive filled my body and soul with arent needed anymore. Theyre not welcome. I choose to live not just exist. I miss you all so much. And I am awaiting the time this deeper connection I feel to you will be in person. Love & respect, J” I took the second paper and read it. ” When I still was in rehab I was advised to do this. To write to you but I couldnt find the words. Im afraid that I still cant. The other letter that is in the envelope was written while I was rehab, it was basically written for So What! and to the fans. Thats why it was missing the most important thing I want to say. After you quit I hit an alltime low. I realized that I had lost you for good and I just couldnt take it. I was drinking so much that I couldnt work. Lars and Kirk sat me down and basically forced me to go to rehab. I did and while I was there for the first time for a few days I realized that you were right. I saw so many people who denied their alcoholism just like I had done. It was a real eyeopener. Im really sorry I didnt believe you when you told me to get help. Any of the many times you told me that. I was gone for months. I came back in March. I meant to write this a lot earlier but I couldnt. Im sorry. Lars told me you wanted to talk to me. I thought Id call but I didnt know if that was okay with you... If you still want to talk to me. And Im so scared of talking to you. Im afraid that when you look at me or when you think of me you see the old James or that you still think of what I did. I have no excuses for that for what I did. I see now that it was wrong. Well I knew then that I couldnt get you back but I honestly didnt feel like what I did was that bad. But when I did thought about it more I thought that you didnt want to be in touch with me so I didnt even bother calling or anything. I hope that you can somehow put behind the old James and try to get to know the new. I completely understand if you dont want to. And Im not going to try and contact you again if you dont reply or something. Ive done what I can but I can never say how sorry I am. But I still want to apologize to you. Preferably face to face. I know its not much and it wont undo anything, but Im sorry anyway. I know that I lied, I lied to you and I lied to myself. If I could Id undo it all but unfortunately I cant... I also heard that noone told you I was gone and I got the idea that you were upset about that. That was because of me. Well Kirk and Lars couldve told you but I told the others not to. Especially John. I didnt want to bother you. Sorry for that too. J” I was practically crying after the first letter, but after the second... I could’ve drowned in my tears. I could tell that James really was sorry and I knew I should give him another chance. To be friends, at least. I was sure that his opinions about marriage or kids hadn’t changed anyway. Therefore, we couldn’t have a relationship ever again. I went to get my phone, walked to Christina’s, now empty, room and dialed a number that I had memorized a long time ago. “Hello?” a voice answered. A voice that I hadn’t heard in almost a year. A voice that I had missed so much. “Hi... I got your letters...” I said. “Deborah,” he said whispering. “Yeah, it’s me.” I took a deep breath and wiped away some tears that kept running down my cheeks. “I thought... I thought that you wouldn’t have called me.” He was silent for a moment and asked, “Are you crying?” “Yeah, I am.” “What’s wrong?” he asked and sounded so concerned that it made me want to cry even harder. “It’s just your letter... That’s all. And I guess that... Well, I think I should try to get to know the new James. And I still have to talk to you.” “Why?” “I’d rather talk face to face, if that’s okay...” “Sure, tell me when and where. I’ll be there. I promise.” “How about tomorrow?” I asked, not really registering that it would actually be in a matter of hours. “Sure. I have to be at HQ at two. I don’t know when we finish, but I could come there after that... I mean... If it’s ok...” “What’s HQ?” I asked and continued, “Otherwise, it’s ok.” “Our new studio. Or our house really. It’s like a new and enhanced version of Presidio.” “That’s great, but uhh... I should go. I’ll see you tomorrow then, bye-bye,” without waiting for a reply, I hung up. I really wanted to talk to him, but somehow I couldn’t. I knew I should’ve waited a bit longer, but I just couldn’t. I walked to my room, got under covers and fell asleep, barely realizing what I had agreed to. ~*~*~*~*~ James: I rang the doorbell and waited for Deborah to open the door. I almost feared that she wasn’t going to let me in, but then... She opened the door. She looked great. I noticed that she’d gained a little weight and she looked a little different, but she was so beautiful. I couldn’t help thinking how would it feel to hug her and kiss her after a year. I felt a little guilty because of my thoughts, especially since I was with Karen. “Come in,” she said and smiled. I smiled back and walked to the living room. The place hadn’t changed that much. “Do you want to eat something?” she asked. “I’m good, thanks,” I replied. “I don’t know where to start...,” I started, as she sat down next to me. “Can I just say something? You’ll find out soon if I don’t and I want to be the one to tell you,” Deborah said. “Sure...” I was partly waiting for her to say that her husband was going to be home soon and she didn’t want him finding me here, or something, but I was in no way prepared for what I heard. “I’ve been meaning to tell you this since last September, but you were away then and... uhh... I’ll just say it and...” “Yeah?” “The last time we were together... I got pregnant and you have a daughter now,” she said quietly. “What?!” “I’m sure you heard me.” “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you plan this?” I asked, not thinking what I said and regretted my words immediately. “No! I did not plan this! How can you even suggest that?” she asked sounding furious, “And I did try to tell you. I called you for three and a half months until Lars happened to call me to tell me where you are... Or were. I asked him to tell you that I needed to speak to you. I told him that it was really important.” “I just... You wanted a child and it just... maybe... I don’t know.” “So, after all these years we’ve known each other, you think that I’d plan something like this?! Take this-” she shoved a photo album to my lap, “-and leave!” “But I just-” “Go,” she said and left the room. I watched her walking into her room and closing the door behind her. I had no intention of leaving anywhere, but I figured that I could do both of us a favor and not go after her straight away. I opened the photo album and found a letter there. “Lars told me that you were in rehab, so I know that's why you haven’t answered my calls. This is not a good way to tell you this, James, but I got pregnant. You have a beautiful, healthy daughter. She was born on February 4 and her name is Sarah Cynthia. Cynthia after your mother and Sarah just because it’s as beautiful a name as she is a baby. Here are some pictures of her, in case you want to see them. I’m mailing this to you (obviously), but I’d like to have the pictures back to myself. You can take copies of them, or whatever. I’m really sorry that you didn’t find out sooner, but I imagine that you are still in rehab, because I haven’t heard anything from you. Things didn’t really turn out as I had planned years ago. We were supposed to be married and have children. Not like this... But, since you don’t want children, you don’t need to be involved... I do understand and respect your opinion. This beautiful girl, she was my mistake, although I don’t see her as a mistake, but you don’t need to worry about her, I’ll take care of her, and I don’t want your money or anything, I’m not going to ask that...” It seemed that she hadn’t finished the letter. It wasn’t like her to just stop writing without any “warning”. Besides, she hadn’t sent me the letter, so, it was obviously missing something; if it had been finished, I would’ve have gotten it already. I flipped through the photo album. There were pictures of Deborah with the baby, the baby with her grandmother and Deborah, baby and Christina and baby alone. She was pretty; she had blue eyes, just like mine. I closed the photo album, left it on the table and walked to Deborah’s door. I knocked on it softly and asked if I could come in. Deborah came to open the door; I saw that she had been crying. “Look, I-” I started as she had opened the door. She pushed me away and stepped outside of the room. “She’s sleeping, we can’t talk there,” she said quietly. “She’s here?” My eyes widened with surprised, and my mouth fell open. “Well, what did you think?” “I thought that she was somewhere else.” “She’s 14 weeks old. I can’t put her into kindergarten, James.” “No, I thought she was with your mom or Christina or something...” I was confused. I wanted to go into her bedroom and look at my daughter, hold her, kiss her... I took a small step back as I thought about kissing Deborah. She looked at me strangely. “She’s not. Christina is in San Diego with Dan and my mother lives in Florida.” “You need help with her?” “Yeah, I can’t do it by myself,” she said. “I tried,” she continued quietly. “What can I do? Do you need money or something?” I asked her, even though I remembered her writing in the letter that she didn't want money from me. “No. The baby needs people around her, there’s nothing you can do. Just say what you want to say and leave. I really don’t want to listen to you accusing me of something that I’d never do.” “I’m sorry about that. I just got freaked out, you know,” I said. “Yeah, well, I’m not asking you to be involved or anything. You don’t need to be her father. I mean, you are her father, but you don’t have to. Especially, because you don’t want to...,” Deborah said, obviously waiting for me to reply, which I didn’t do. The baby started to make sounds. “I need to feed her now, excuse me,” she said and went back to her room, closing the door in front of me. I knocked on the door again and she told me to come in. She lifted the baby from her crib, went to lie down on her side on her bed and started to feed the baby. I walked to her and asked if I could sit down. She nodded and moved her legs a bit, so that I had the room to sit. “I do want to be involved,” I said quietly. |
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| ElisabethOrion | July 25, 2011, 8:03 pm Post #88 |
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I'm creatively constipated.
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THIS IS GETTING GUUUUD. :3 I'm glad James wants to be involved.
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| ilovejaymz | July 25, 2011, 8:28 pm Post #89 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Awww yes... I really hope they figure it out.. but, who's this Karen chick?! Can hardly wait for more
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| Broken, Beat & Scarred | July 26, 2011, 6:01 am Post #90 |
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Thanks for your comments! Some more information on Karen in this chapter. Keep the comments coming, they make my day! ![]() PART 25: “What?” I was very surprised to hear him say that. “Before, I thought I didn’t, but now... it’s all different. I got to know a few parents in rehab and it kinda opened my eyes,” he explained. “So... Now you want kids?” I asked, not fully understanding how much he seemed to have changed. “Well, I don’t know... I’m not sad to know that have this one,” he said and touched the baby’s foot lightly. “She’s beautiful.” “Yeah. She’s got your eyes, they’re amazingly blue. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” I said and smiled at her. I didn’t know how to react to what he just said. He’d practically done a 180° turn... He was silent for a while, looking at the baby. “So... Sarah Cynthia. That’s a beautiful name.” “Yeah, I know.” “Mom actually wanted one of us to name their child Sarah...” “Really?” I looked up at him and he gave me a small smile and a nod. “Yeah. I guess she got her wish then...” “Yeah...,” I said quietly. He looked at me and I found myself getting lost in his eyes. We stared at each other for a while, until I managed to turn my gaze to Sarah. “Do you really want to be her father?” “I don’t have a choice in that, but I want to be involved if that’s what you meant. You know that my parents left me and-” “They didn’t leave you, James.” “-And I don’t want my own daughter to have no father...,” James continued. I nodded. Sarah stopped eating and looked at James. She seemed to be a little scared of him. I lifted her up and said, “Sweetie, say ‘hi’ to daddy,” James gave his finger to the baby who took it and squeezed a little. James had a little smile on his face and I could see tears in his eyes. James cleared his throat and caressed the baby’s head quietly. “I’m really sorry,” he said, his voice a little raspy. “I know. I am, too.” “We need to talk about what happened and about everything. I need to explain. Well, I mean... If we’re gonna be spending time together... I guess we are.” “I know, but not now... I just can’t do it now... The reason I called you wasn’t that I wanted to talk about what happened. I needed to let you know that you have a daughter. I mean, you have the right to know,” I said, “And... Just because of her... I’m not getting back together with you... I can’t.” He nodded. “I understand that and I know I’m the one to blame and-” “No, it wasn’t your fault. I mean, you did nothing wrong. We weren’t together and you were free to do anything. I’m not mad at you because of that... I’m just hurt.” “And I’m sorry that I hurt you...” We both fell silent. Sarah was the only one to make any noise. “Christina is her godmother and I was thinking of asking Kirk to be her godfather. I don’t actually know if that’s possible anymore, but I thought I could ask him, at least, unofficially... Is it okay with you?” “Yeah, absolutely. Why don’t you and Sarah come to HQ tomorrow, we could meet the guys and all...” “That would be great. I miss the guys so much..., but I don’t think that tomorrow’s good... I mean, maybe you should get to know her a bit more and we’ll see about that HQ thing then...” “Okay, I suppose you’re right...,” James said and smiled. God, how I had missed that smile! A week later: James had spent practically all of his free time with me, or well, with Sarah, at least. We had managed to talk some things through during the week. We had discussed his rehab, his new life and my life after giving birth to Sarah. He had met some woman in rehab; Karen was her name if I remembered correctly. They had hit it off well and Karen seemed to be a nice woman. I hadn’t met her yet, but I had seen a picture of her and James had also talked about her. She was a blond-haired, tall, thin woman, in her late 30s, very beautiful and I could easily picture James with her. James had been meeting the rest of Metallica for a couple of hours every day, as far as I knew they hadn’t jammed yet, but what I had gathered, James was anxious to do that soon. As far as I could tell, James hadn’t told anyone about Sarah yet. Well, maybe Karen, but not the guys. We had agreed to ask Kirk to be Sarah’s godfather and we were meeting Kirk, Lars and Bob today at HQ. I was so terrified of seeing them again, especially Kirk. I felt awful because of the way I’d dealt with the quitting of my job. He had been a friend to me and I had just let him go, because of some guy. Well, not just ‘some guy’, he was James, after all, and I had been, and as a matter-of-fact, I still was, deeply hurt, but it didn’t give me the right to ditch an old friend. I was afraid that he would be angry with me. Or that he wouldn’t want to see me again. James was sitting on the floor with Sarah, and I was watching them from the door. He was singing some Metallica songs to her. I had played all Metallica albums to Sarah when she still hadn’t been born. Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure how it was that I had been able to listen to Metallica. James singing... I had no idea... It had seemed that Fade to Black was Sarah’s favorite; she had stopped kicking every time I had played the song to her. Now, as James sang it to her, she either relaxed or fell asleep. James had changed a lot in a year: he was now stable and reliable and a great father, not the best one – he still had a lot to learn, as did I – but he became better and better with Sarah every passing day. “I’m ready to go now,” I said and went to pick up Sarah. I made sure, again, that I had everything I might need for Sarah. “Okay, I bought some stuff for Sarah yesterday, there’s a seat for her in the car and all.” “That’s nice of you,” I said, “Could you take the bags, please, I’ll take Sarah...” “Sure,” James agreed and followed me outside. We got in the car and headed to HQ. ~*~*~*~*~ When we arrived there, I saw five cars, out of which I didn’t recognize any. “The guys are here,” James said, looking a little nervous. I definitely shared his nervousness, although I was pretty much terrified. “Joe and Bruce will be here later.” “You’re still doing that film?” I asked him. Things like this made me realize how little we knew about each other – how many and how few things had changed in a year. “Yeah, but it’s gonna be a documentary though... I don’t know what’s it gonna be like, but those guys can do a film. They showed us some things they’d recorded last year...” He swallowed and cleared his throat. “It was really hard for me to watch that...” “I’m sure... It was probably hard for you all...” We stayed silent for a while, just sort of enjoying each other’s company. We did that a lot. It made sense, there were things we hadn’t talked about, a lot had changed since we were together, so, we weren’t completely at ease with each other, but we got along well. “Well, I’m gonna go and get them in the kitchen, you can come then. I’ll come back in a second and take the stuff from the back.” “Alright. I’ll take the whole seat out, so she can sit there...” James nodded and went inside. He came back a while later and the three of us went back inside. James went to the kitchen first and said that he had a surprise. That was when I entered the room, carrying Sarah in her seat. Kirk, Lars and Bob were silent and each of them looked at us, looking very surprised. “How...? Who...? When...? What the fuck?” Lars, being the mouthpiece of the band, asked. “We talked. Our daughter. And a week ago,” I answered. Bob and Kirk were just staring at me. “Are you back together? What about Karen?” Lars continued, quietly. I wondered if he thought that James hadn't told me about Karen. “We’re friends. And nothing about Karen. She’s fine with this.” “So... You guys have a baby now...,” Kirk said quietly. James and I both nodded and smiled. “Well, congratulations!” Kirk exclaimed, jumped up and hugged James briefly. Kirk turned to me, but since I was holding Sarah, he couldn’t hug me. I lifted Sarah’s seat on the kitchen table and turned to hug Kirk. “I’ve missed you so much,” I told him. “Me, too, you have no idea,” he answered. “I’m so sorry about everything. I shouldn’t have cut you out, I-” “Shh... I understand, don’t worry about it, I understand,” he whispered. I felt so relieved. I let him go and I was instantly hugged by Lars and then Bob. “So, what’s her name?” Lars asked a moment later. “Sarah Cynthia,” I answered, smiling. “Cynthia, as in your mother?” Lars continued, looking at James. “No, Lars, this is my daughter, not my mother,” James said sarcastically. “Yes, after his mother,” I replied. “Kirk? We’d like to ask you something if that’s alright?” I said, changing the subject. “Sure,” Kirk replied, turning to look at James and me. James took my hand in his, as I cleared my throat. “You’ve helped me so much during the years we’ve known. You’ve been there for me ever since the first day we met and I love you so much-” “Wait!” Kirk exclaimed, “You’re not proposing are you?” I rolled my eyes. “Sure, Kirk, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Right here, in front of my child and... and three other people while you yourself are married,” I said mockingly. I scolded myself silenty, because I realized that I had almost called James my boyfriend. “Sorry, it just sounded like that,” Kirk said sheepishly and grinned. “Yeah, mind if I continue now?” “Please do.” “We’d like you to be Sarah’s godfather, will you do it?” “Of course!” he said and gave a hug. “No godmother then?” Lars asked. “Christina’s her godmother. I... I asked her months ago,” I said and gave Lars a little smile. ~*~*~*~*~ After we had been hanging out with Kirk, Lars and Bob about an hour or so, I told the guys that I needed to feed Sarah and put her to sleep. Lars’ office was the only one that was finished at this point, so I went there with James and Sarah. Lars had a couch in his office, so I sat there and began to feed Sarah. James sat behind Lars’ desk and played with a pen. “Do you want to meet Karen?” “If you’re serious with her, then I guess I have to...” “Yeah, but do you want to?” “Yeah,” I lied, “she seems nice.” “She has a daughter, too, she’s five and her name is Caroline,” James told me, “I’ve met her twice. She lives with her father mostly... You know, Karen needs time to heal and all... We both need time, but she deals with stuff differently than I do. She’s really nice, too, I’m sure you’d get along well...” “I guess so... Could you give me her seat, so I can put her there, she’s falling asleep,” I asked quietly. I had learned that when it was Sarah’s nap time, she fell asleep easily if someone was talking quietly. James and I had settled a few issues like that; we didn’t want to yell at each other and with Sarah there with us, we couldn’t. James put Sarah’s seat on the couch and I put Sarah there. I put the seat on the floor, next to a baby monitor and left the room behind James. “She’s gonna be alright in there? Not too hot or anything?” James asked. “Yeah, she’s gonna be fine, don’t worry...,” we had walked to the stairs that led downstairs and as I was just about to go there James stopped me by grabbing my arm. He was standing so close to me, looking into my eyes. ”I never said how glad I’m that you gave me another chance. Even if it’s just as your friend, but I’m still glad,” James said quietly. He looked really thankful. I gave him a little smile. “I have always believed in second chances, well, in some cases at least...,” I said and started to leave. James still held onto my arm. He turned me to face him and cupped my head between his hands. I was forced to look in his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes. I was half-expecting him to kiss me, until I realized that he wouldn’t do that. Not when he was in a relationship with someone else. “I know I’ve said this many times, but I’m really sorry. I mean, about everything. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be as good as you deserved. After every stupid thing that I’ve said to you when I was drunk, after all the times when I betrayed your trust, you were always there... I don’t understand it...” “I loved you, James, that’s why I stayed. My mind said to leave, but my heart told me to stay...,” I replied. “I hope that you and Karen will be happy, you are a great man, James, when you want to be.” James smiled, gave me a kiss on the cheek and went downstairs, leaving me to think how badly I wanted him to kiss me. |
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This chapter includes a one-song soundtrack, which can be found

8:42 PM Jul 10