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Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001-
Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,653 Views)
ilovejaymz
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Poor Twisted Me
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AAAAH KISS HER!

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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Ohh, I too wish they would have kissed. ;) Thanks for commenting! :heart: Another chapter is up, hope you like it!


PART 26:

A couple of weeks later:

I woke up as I heard the door open. Someone, James that is, walked in and sat on the other side of my bed. Most of my adult life, I had slept through everything, but with Sarah I had started to wake up easily.

“I know you are sleeping,” James started quietly. I felt the bed move a bit and I felt James’ hand on my hair. He must have lain down next to me, since I could also feel his breath in my neck. “But I just wanted to say that we really need to talk about what happened between me and that woman. I know and understand that you don’t want to, but it’s important for me we do and that you understand what happened,” he continued. “And I’m still sorry, you know that,” he said, leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. His beard tickled me and I tried not to giggle or smile, to avoid him realizing I was awake. I feared that if he knew I was awake, he might not say what he wanted to say. I had a feeling that he might have something else to say, too.

I heard a little beep and James cursed quietly. I could feel the bed shift again as he sat up. I suppose the beeping was his cell phone ringing.

“Hello?” James whispered, not bothering to leave the room. Sarah slept through voices and James, obviously, thought that I did, too.

I heard a shrill voice from the phone, yet I couldn’t make out what it was saying. “No, I told you yesterday, I’m with Deborah tonight. I’m staying here.” James said. I guessed it was Karen who was calling him, she must have asked James if he was going to go see her.

“Because they’re both sleeping. – Yes, I was checking on Sarah as you called. – No, nothing is going on. – I don’t. – Well, I do, but not in that way, not anymore.” I frowned a little, wondering what Karen was saying to him. If I had to guess, and well, I did, I would have guessed that she had just accused James of still being in love with me. My heart beat a little faster as I thought about the possibility.

“Look, I don’t need to explain anything to you. You know that I wouldn’t lie to you, so you’re just wasting your breath. She’s my friend and the mother of my child. – She’s as much of a friend as Lars or Kirk are.” My heart sank. I silently scolded myself. James and I had broken up and us being friends was the furthest things would ever advance between us. I had to learn how to deal with the fact.

“Well, don’t. Obviously, anything I say or do won’t affect that, so... – Look, I’m tired of arguing with you. It doesn’t lead us anywhere. We need to focus on the real problem. – You know perfectly well what it is. – Look, let’s talk about this later, not now. – Seriously, if you have nothing else to say then we can both just hang up,” James said and after a while I heard a little thud, which probably was his cell phone landing on the floor.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” he asked himself quietly. I felt the bed shift again, as he lay back down. Without thinking, I turned to face him and reached for his hand.

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” I said. James turned to look at me quickly.

“You’re awake?”

“Yeah.”

“Did I wake you up?”

I nodded. “But it’s alright. I have been sleeping lightly now. With Sarah...”

“Well, I’m sorry I woke you.”

“It’s alright,” I replied. “Why did you say that something’s wrong with you?”

“I just keep messing everything up,” he said and sighed. “And I suppose I should go and let you sleep,” he continued.

“No. Stay.” I mumbled. “Please?”

James looked at me for a moment. “I don’t know if I should...,” he finally said.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I’m just gonna go back to sleep then,” I said, cursing silently in my mind. How was I so stupid that I thought that he’d want to sleep in the same bed with me? He was with someone else and even if things between them weren’t going well, he had no reason to stay here with me. What the hell was I going to do with myself?

“Alright... I’ll see you in the morning then,” he said, got up and left the room. I sighed and tried to fall back to sleep.

After, I don’t know, maybe half an hour of rolling around, I heard Sarah starting to cry, so I got up to check on her. She was wide-awake and even though I tried, I couldn’t get her to fall back asleep. I lifted her from the crib and started walking around, rocking her slightly. She didn’t stop crying. I sighed and left the room, it sometimes helped if I walked around the apartment. I closed all the lights quickly and started walking between living room and my room. Still, she didn’t fall asleep.

“What are you doing?” James asked as he opened the door that led to his room. Or, actually, to Christina’s old room. Since he had been spending a lot of time with me, with Sarah, that is, he had taken Christina's room to himself. He'd brought over a bunch of his clothes and two guitars and a big stack of notebooks.

Everything seemed so ironic now. He loved his daughter – before he had pretty much hated kids. He had brought over some of his things – before he had barely spent a night at my apartment, much less had a closet full of his own personal items there. He wasn't in love with me anymore, because I had told him to leave me alone – I was in love with him and I had never fallen out of love with him.

“Shh... I’m trying to put her to sleep,” I answered quietly. She wasn’t crying anymore, but she was still sobbing a little.

“Isn’t that usually done around her bed?”

“Well, excuse me if I happened to disturb you,” I snapped at him.

“Is daddy’s little angel keeping mommy up and making her irritated?” James asked Sarah. She giggled through her tears. I didn’t know what it was about James, but it seemed that he did things just right with Sarah. She always stopped crying when he asked her to. I didn’t get it. “Give her to me and go to sleep,” he said to me.

“But you haven’t-” I started protesting, but he cut me off.

“Well, at least, let me try, alright?” I hesitantly gave Sarah to him and she started to cry instantly. I tried to take her back. “Let me try,” James repeated softly. “I know I haven’t put her to sleep before, but let me give it a shot.”

“Just don’t do anything funny, ‘cos she’ll just get excited then and then she-” I found it hard to let him do things with Sarah. I was afraid that he'd decide one day that he was done being daddy to her and he'd leave.

“I know. You just go. I’ll bring her back there in a couple of minutes.”

I shrugged and went back to my room. I lay down on the bed and probably within minutes, Sarah stopped crying. After a couple of more minutes, James opened the door and put Sarah in her crib. He closed the door silently and came to sit on my bed.

“Sorry I snapped. I just haven’t slept well in ages,” I said quietly. I felt horrible for snapping at him. Especially since I realized that I had purposefully kept him away, from his own daughter. God!

“Don’t worry about that,” he said. “Do you mind if I stay here anyway?”

“You don’t have to. I just thought that maybe, if you wanted to talk about... what you told me before or if you had something else to say... Or if you didn’t want to sleep alone, then... Then you could stay. I didn’t mean anything, I mean, you’re with Karen anyway and it’s not -” I stopped as I noticed that James was looking at me with a smirk on his lips. “What?”

“Nothing. I see that you still tend to ramble,” he chuckled. “I know that there won’t be anything between us ever again. And I’ve accepted that. And I am with Karen now. I thought that I could still stay here... If you don’t mind that is...”

“Yeah, I don’t,” I replied. I watched him as he got up, took off his shirt and jeans, walked over to the other side of the bed and lay down. During this all I could hear in my head were his words, “I know there won't be anything between us ever again. And I've accepted that.”

He pulled the duvet over him and wrapped his arm around my waist. “Is this alright?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” I said, adding silently that it was much better than alright.

“So, you haven’t been sleeping well... Has she been keeping you up?” James whispered.

“No, she’s been good. I just wake up when I hear something and then I feel like I need to check up on her all the time,” I explained. “And, of course, if I’m trying to have a conversation with someone, it’s hard to sleep,” I added smiling.

“You could’ve asked for help, you know...”

“Yeah, I do. And I have asked for help. But I still can’t sleep. I don’t know why...”

“How about this? I’ll take care of her tonight and you don’t have to get up. You could sleep in in the morning and, well, at least, try to sleep.”

“You don’t have to. I’m supposed to take care of her...,” I said. I wanted to tell him that it would be great if he could take care of Sarah, but I... couldn't.

“You are allowed to have others help you. Especially the father of the child should be able to help.”

I sighed. I blinked a few times, trying to keep the tears away. “I... I just don’t want to bother you with that. You don’t have to. I told you before: you don’t need to be involved...”

“Yeah, I know that. But have you realized that I want to be involved?”

“If you get second-thoughts... I just... I don’t know...”

“Look, I love her and I want to be around her. We’ve been through this many, many times, haven’t we?” I nodded. “So, why is it that you don’t believe it?”

“I don’t know. I guess that I just think that...”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on.”

“I just think that... Or I'm afraid that maybe one day you decide you've had enough. That you no longer want to be her father... And if something was to happen between us and we wouldn’t be able to be with each other, then she’d just get hurt... Like... I know we should talk about that woman, but sometimes when I remember it; it hurts practically as much as it did then. And I really wouldn’t want to see you, talk to you, or even think of you then. And if we do talk about it, maybe everything will happen again; maybe it will be a year before I can look at you... Then that’s just gonna hurt Sarah...”

James turned me around so I was facing him. He stroked my hair gently and cleared his throat. “First of all, I am not going to leave her. I want to be in her life. As harsh as this may sound, I don't care what happens between us, but no matter what happens, I will never ever walk out on my daughter. I wish you believed me when I tell you that. And second, I never thought you’d be thinking that way about what happened with the woman... I think that if you knew what happened, you’d understand and maybe we could be better friends somehow... I just didn’t realize that it still hurts you. Sure, now that I think of it... it’s pretty obvious. But still, if we don’t talk about it, I’m pretty sure it will just keep bugging us both. And if it happened that you can’t stand me for another year, wouldn’t it be wiser to do it now, so that she might not remember it later...?”

“Or when you’re on tour... I don’t know. I don’t even know what will happen, I just don’t know.”

“What would you say if we arranged a night so that we could talk about it and see how it goes?”

“Sure.”

“Alright. Why don’t you go to sleep now...? I’m sure you’re tired.”

“I have to feed her soon,” I protested.

“I gave her some formula when I was with her. She’s good.”

“Did you warm it?”

“Yes.”

“Alright... Is that what she wanted?”

“No... She stopped crying on her own. Then I just thought I’d give her something and she fell asleep while eating.”

“But-”

“Do you know what you should do now?” he interrupted.

“What?”

“Close your eyes and go to sleep. I’ll be right here. I’ll take care of her, don’t worry.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

“I think it should be me thanking you,” he said. I mumbled something in return and quickly fell asleep. The last thing I remember was him kissing my cheek softly and whispering something in my ear. What he whispered, I couldn’t tell.
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, August 6, 2011, 1:07 am.
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ilovejaymz
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I believe him :D
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Orionhearted
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I love this story, more please!
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ilovejaymz
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Please more? :heart:
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for the comments and sorry for the delay. :) I was abroad for a couple of days and I decided to rewrite this chapter, so... Anyhoo, here's the next update and I hope you enjoy it. Let me know. :heart:


Part 27:

James:

I was in Deborah's bed, holding her. I was wide awake. She had fallen asleep in a few seconds. In fact, when I whispered that I loved her, I wasn't sure if she heard me... which was probably a good thing, because just a moment before that, I had told her that I had moved on. Not in those words, but I had told her that in any case. And I had lied. And I had lied to Karen when I had told her that I wasn't still in love with Deborah. God.

Karen... Wow. I knew that in some way I... if not loved her, then at least cared for her a lot. But... The truth was that she wasn't Deborah. She wasn't my true love. And here I was, holding Deborah, the one I had loved for a decade, while I was in a relationship with Karen. Something had to change.

I sighed and thought about the past year.

I had gone to rehab nearly a year ago because of Deborah. Yes, Kirk and Lars had told me that I should go, too, but Deborah had been the real reason for me to get sober. After she had quit, and when Lars and Kirk had sat me down and had kept telling me that I needed to get help, I had only been able to hear Deborah’s words in my head. “Do everyone a favor and get help.” For once in my life, I had wanted to listen to her, I had needed to listen to her. I knew that she had seen right through me, she had somehow known that which I wasn’t saying and she had just wanted the best for me. Going to rehab had been the least I could do, after everything that I had already done to her. And now, telling her that I had gone to rehab and come out alive and feeling much better than ever... Now, the least I could do was to let her know that I would never have gone if it weren't for her. I wasn't sure if she knew that I had gone to rehab because of her, but... I needed to say it to her. Face to face.

One day in therapy, in rehab, we had been discussing my reasons to stop drinking, and from them the discussion had turned to the reasons why I drank. I had talked about Deborah and how she had sometimes been a reason for me to drink. I hadn't blamed her then and I didn’t blame her now, because the things that she had said had been because of me, so basically, I was the reason why I was drinking. I mean, I had sometimes gotten angry with her because she had suggested that I had a drinking problem and what had I done to get over the anger? I had gotten drunk.

But... Since I hadn't been able to speak to Deborah in person, they had advised me to write a letter to her, so that she would have a chance to know how I felt and how I was doing. Yeah, I had “forgotten” to tell people that she had no idea I was there. I hadn't been able to tell everyone that I had pretty much cheated on her, even though I knew her history with cheating boyfriends, and that I had driven her away from the job I knew she loved. It had been and was too much for me to handle. But anyway, I had written several letters to her, but I hadn't been able to find the correct words for describing how I felt, so she hadn’t received any of the letters.

After I had gotten home from rehab, I had met up with Kirk, Lars, Bob and Phil at Kirk’s place. It was so weird to see them and what was even weirder was that we didn’t play anything, no music, no Metallica; we just talked. Well, I had gotten used to talking while I had been in rehab, but they were obviously a little uncomfortable with just that. No music, no Metallica, just talking. I completely understood that. We had never talked like we did now. Well, not before Phil had come along, and before rehab I had been a little hesitant of the whole therapy thing.

The day after I had officially come back from rehab, Lars told me that Deborah had tried to contact me several times while I had been away. I didn’t know what to think about that. I had been sure that she wouldn’t do that, not after what she had said when she had quit. And I didn't blame her.

But... Knowing that Deborah had tried to contact me, I didn’t know what to do. Lars had suggested that I’d call her, but I didn’t really want to do that. I didn’t believe that she would be happy if I did call. And... I didn’t really know if I would’ve been comfortable calling her.

I had to think a lot about Deborah and how I should contact her, if I should contact her. I had decided that it would be best I wrote to Deborah and gave her the opportunity to contact me, if that was what she still wanted to do. I made a few phone calls, found out that Deborah still lived in the same apartment and I started writing to her. I missed a date with Karen and told her that there was an emergency, so I couldn’t meet her. I didn’t really want her to know that I didn’t show up because I was writing to my ex-girlfriend. After hours and hours, I finally finished the letter. I read it through a couple of times and was fairly happy with it. I could have made it longer and there were things that I could have worked on, but it was all right. I managed to find the letter I had written for So What! when I had been in rehab, put them in an envelope and took it to Deborah’s mailbox.

Some hours later, my phone rang. It was Deborah. I hadn't really expected her to call me, much less so quick, but she did anyway. She didn’t say that much and she ended the call quickly, but at least she called me. Her phone call, just hearing her voice made me so, so happy. It made everything worthwhile.

When we met, all I could think about was that I needed to apologize to her. I needed to make her see why I did what I did. I never got the chance to do that, I still haven’t had a chance to do that. It had been nearly a year that we hadn't spoken, seen each other. Many things had changed, both in my life and in hers, but once thing hadn't, that I knew: I loved her.

And that was wrong.

Deborah turned in her sleep, we were now face to face. I felt her breath on my face and I closed my eyes for a moment. This was where I belonged. Not with Karen who I argued with all the time, at least after she found out about Deborah. But here, with the mother of my daughter, the love of my life. With my Deborah.

Since Sarah had a little night light on, I could just about see Deborah's face in the soft light and I just stared at her. She looked a lot like Sarah. Ahh, Sarah. She had given my life a new meaning. Cheesy, but true. When I had found out about her, I had felt happy. Confused, but happy.

I had hoped that having Sarah in our lives would have been reason enough for Deborah to get closer to me, but that hadn't happened. Not really, anyway. Yeah, we spent a lot of time together, and we had talked about some things, but we still hadn't talked about what had happened between me and the woman. Every time I had suggested that, until tonight, she had shot me down and said that she wasn't ready to have that discussion or that it just wasn't a good time. But... I had to talk to her about it, if I didn't, I couldn't act normal around her. It bothered me like crazy that we couldn't talk about what was important to me, but I didn't want to pressure her. I knew that if I did, I might end up losing her in the process.

There was a lot of tension between us. Okay, so, we ended up sleeping in the same bed tonight, but... Even the discussion that led to this... Full of tension. Our little talk at HQ... Full of tension. I had wanted to kiss her. Badly. I wasn't sure if the tension was sexual tension or if it was just that both of us felt really awkward in the new situation...

I was glad, though, that Deborah let me be a part of Sarah's life. A very big part, actually. I had noticed that she had trouble letting go of Sarah, of letting someone else be a parent, but I understood that. I mean, she had told me that she was afraid I might choose to leave them one day. That's what I was afraid of, too. I mean, I wasn't afraid that I'd leave them, I was afraid she'd leave me and take Sarah away from me.

But Karen... There was Karen. We had met at the facility. It had been her first time in rehab too, and we had gotten really close during the time that we spent there. Even though she left the facility a lot before I did, she came back every other day to check up on me. I was glad that she did that, because no one else visited me. Some of the people in the facility thought that seeing Kirk or Lars would make things worse, and I partly agreed, so neither of them showed up.

We had spent a lot of time together and we had gotten along great. She had a daughter and an ex-husband. He had divorced her, which had driven her to alcohol. It was... Well, she had less trouble letting go of alcohol than I did. There were so many things that made me want to drink – and many of them were reasons that I actually hadn’t realized existed. Things had been good between us, until Deborah had come back into my life.

Deborah... I couldn't stop thinking about it. Her. I still loved her. Nothing had changed. I was in love with her. Or... No, I wasn’t really in love with her anymore, I cared about Karen, but... If Deborah one day had showed up in my room at the facility and said that she’d like to get back together... I would have said yes, I wouldn’t have had to think about it, at all. Every day it felt like I needed Deborah there, by my side, after all, I was doing the whole rehab thing for her.

Even now... I thought about it. If the phone rang and if it was Deborah calling me... Or if she just woke up right now... If she said that she loved me... Karen would have been ancient history in a split second. It wasn't fair to her, but... It is what it is.

I thought about Deborah and Karen meeting a few weeks back. I had asked Deborah to meet her, but I had started to regret asking her that. They had seemed to get along fairly well, but it didn't much from me to see that Karen was very cautious about Deborah and she had tried to make sure that Deborah saw that I was with Karen. She had touched me, constantly; either she had held my hand, or had had her hand on my knee, on my arm, on my shoulder, ... She had repeatedly called me ‘honey’ or ‘dear’ or whatever. The things women do sometimes.

Ever since I had told Karen about Deborah and about Sarah, I had had to keep telling her that there was nothing going on between Deborah and me, but she never believed me. She always kept saying that she could see what I wasn't saying and that she knew that I care about Deborah. Well, no fucking shit? How could I not care about her? I’ve known her for years, at one time, she was my friend, at some other time she was the love of my life and now, in addition to the other two, she is the mother of my daughter.

But Karen... She’s too needy and sometimes it seems like she’s about to fall off the wagon. Though, in her defense, alcohol isn't such a big problem to her as it is to me. She has kept saying that she is going to allow herself to have a beer or two every once in a while. I’m afraid that that if I am with her and she'll drink, I'll do that, too. And sometimes, after I’ve spent some time with Deborah and Sarah... I just want to have a drink. I can’t stand seeing them. Of course, I love both of them very much, and I don’t want anything bad happening to either one of them, but as ridiculous as it might be, I’m jealous of them, both. I’m jealous of my own daughter because she gets to be with Deborah all the time. And I’m jealous of Deborah, because she’s much closer to Sarah than I am.

I wasn't sure when exactly I had fallen asleep, but when I woke up I was totally disoriented. As I opened my eyes, I could see Deborah lying in front of me, her back to me.

I leaned in closer and was just about to kiss her neck when I realized that... That would have been a giant mistake.

Luckily, Sarah woke up and was babbling on her own in her bed. I got up softly, hoping that I wouldn't wake Deborah up, grabbed Sarah and left the room quickly.
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Orionhearted
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Frantic
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Gawd the tension! Love it!
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ilovejaymz
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*sigh* Those feelings...
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Thanks for the comments, again! :heart: I did some rewriting, and here's the result. :) Hope you enjoy it, let me know.


Chapter 28:

I woke up and... It felt like something was wrong, or at least a little strange. I didn’t realize what it was first, but then I got it. James was pressed up against me and he had his arm around my waist. It was... Well, it was nice, lovely, but I felt slightly uncomfortable.

There wasn’t anything that I would have wanted more, at that moment, than to know that it was me that James wanted to hold in his arms. I knew that it was a ridiculous thought; I knew that he was serious with Karen, and that made me miserable. On top of that, it took me my all willpower to not turn around and kiss him.

I remembered our discussion from last night, but I didn’t remember waking up once during the night. Maybe he had taken care of Sarah and maybe I had trusted him to do that, and maybe I hadn't felt like I needed to wake up. I wasn’t sure. Of course, it was possible that Sarah hadn’t woken up, but I doubted that, because, even though she slept well, she still woke up at least a couple of times each night.

James stirred a little, pulling me even closer. I felt his chest rising as he breathed in and out, and his chest touched my back slightly every once in a while. His hand reached for my hand and he brushed his thumb over the palm of my hand.

I tried not to move, not to breathe, not to do anything. I wasn’t sure if he was asleep, if he thought I was asleep... Or if he knew I was awake. Maybe he thought I wasn’t me but that I was Karen.

But I didn’t really care about that. All I could think about was how much I had missed him in the past months when he hadn’t been there. I had never realized it – I had forced myself not to think about him at all. I didn’t let myself miss him, but it didn’t change a thing. He was the one I loved. No matter what.

Before I could do anything about James, I heard Sarah crying a little. I didn’t move, but soon enough, James moved a little. I could swear that he was just about to kiss my shoulder – I could feel his breath on my neck – when he quickly pulled back.

He quickly got up from the bed, and I heard him cursing softly. “Hey, sweetie,” he whispered. “You ready to get up and have some breakfast?” he whispered. Sarah giggled in response. “Okay, sweetie, let’s get you to the kitchen then. We’ll let Mommy sleep, okay, honey?”

I heard the door close and I immediately turned to lay on my back. I sighed. How was it that I was still in love with him? Wasn’t it enough for me that he had slept with someone else when he claimed to be in love with me? Wasn’t it enough that he had moved on and was seeing someone else? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

~*~*~*~*~

We ate breakfast in silence. He was obviously ashamed of what had happened in the morning, and I... Well, I didn’t know if I should say that I had been awake or pretend that I hadn’t noticed anything.

As it turned out, I didn’t have to pretend, nor did I have to say anything about it to him. James left the kitchen for a while and then he said that he was going to go see Karen.

It was obvious to me that he wanted to work things out with her – I had gathered that they were fighting, or not doing so well at the moment. But surely, he had just realized what he was missing out on and he wanted to make things better. Good for them.

~*~*~*~*~

James:

I sighed and looked at her. “Look, I'm sorry, but... I don't think this is going to work out.”

“What?”

“You and me.”

“It's because of her, isn't it?” Karen asked me

“No...,” I said, realizing that it sounded like a 'yes'. “Well... Okay, partly yes, but-”

“I knew it!” she screamed.

“Let me finish, please,” I told her.

“No! I knew it! I knew it from the moment you told me that she was back in the picture again! She's using you! Don't you see?! She doesn't want you to be with me so she asks you to spend the night and stay with her all the time.”

“HEY! That's enough!” I yelled, standing up. “Deborah and I have a child together. She is not using me. She is letting me be a part of my child's life. Deborah has never ever asked me to help her out with Sarah. Not once. She has told me that she doesn't want to interfere with my life.”

“Well, it looks like she is.”

Karen was in an argumentative mood. I understood that, I would've been, too, if someone I wanted to be in a relationship with was breaking up with me. I had thought about leaving her for a while, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to do that. But I didn't want to lie to her and pretend that I was enjoying the relationship.

“Yeah, because I choose to let her do that. But she hasn't asked me to. I want to spend time with my daughter. Me. Not her. She told me, when she told me about Sarah, that she wasn't going to ask me to help out. That she wasn't going to force me to be in her life.” I told her. Not that she didn't know all of this already. She just didn't want to face the facts. And I didn't want to drag Deborah into this conversation. “But the point is, I'm not doing this because of Deborah. I'm doing this because being with you doesn't feel right. All we've done the past couple of weeks is argue. I don't like that. I can't deal with that.”

“Well... What if we tried to...” She stopped speaking as I shook my head.

“No, Karen. No... I mean... Deborah... She's...”

“You love her.”

I looked at her for a while. I nodded. “But look... I have never fallen out of love with her. If things had worked better between us...” I let the sentence hang in the air unfinished. I wasn't sure if I wanted to finish it. “But Deborah and me... We're not going to start dating. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now.”

Karen turned to look at me, she was fuming. “You've talked about dating?”

“No. No, we haven't. I just... She said that she's not ready to have a relationship.”

“Because you were seeing someone else.” How was she not getting this?

“No. I didn't have anything to do with it.”

“She's saying that because you're seeing someone else. Believe me.”

“I know Deborah. It's not like that.” I really hoped Karen was right, but I knew that that wasn't the case. Even before Deborah had heard about Karen, she had told me that she wasn't going to get back together with me.

“I don't want to talk about her! She's taking you away from me!”

“She's not, I am. But fine! We don't have to talk about her. I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore and that's it. I can give you a few reasons, but I'm done. It's over.”

“Fine. Get your stuff and get out.”

“Fine.”

I gathered the few things I had at her apartment, and left. I felt bad for things ending the way they did, but I was relieved things were over between us.
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ilovejaymz
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Good its finally over with Karen.. Then things can go slowly in the right direction for James and Deb :)
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Orionhearted
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Yay!
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for your comments, girls! :heart: I've had a crazy past few days, so, I haven't been able to update earlier. :( Anyhoo, another chapter is up, and as usual, please, comment so I know that you've read&enjoyed the update.


Part 29:

About seven months later:

“She’s sleeping now,” I said, as I walked to the living room, where James was watching TV.

We were at his house and we had been planning to talk about everything tonight. It had, indeed, already been months since we had had the conversation about us talking about that woman and about other important stuff, we just hadn’t managed to do that yet. I felt really bad about that, because I knew that James wanted to talk about it because he wanted to make things better between us. But I hadn’t felt like I was ready for that. I really wanted to sort everything out, but I just wasn’t able to. Now, though, it felt like I could possibly be able to talk about that woman, for example.

“So, shall we talk now, then?” he asked as he turned to look at me.

“I suppose so. I’m sorry it has taken so long...”

“Don’t worry about that, I understand that you need your time, just like anyone else would,” he replied and patted on his lap, inviting me to sit down there. I sat on his lap and he put his arms around me. Thank God I had managed to get over the period when him touching me just made me think about how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. “Should I start explaining then?”

“If you want to...,” I said softly. I was dreading the conversation, which was partly why I didn't want us to talk about the woman. I was afraid of what he would tell me and of how I would react.

“Okay, so... After you left that day, I started drinking again...,” he started. He took a little break and looked at me, as if checking that it was okay to go on.

“I know that.”

“I know you do. I just want to tell you everything, okay? Anyway, that one night I went to a bar and this girl or woman, whatever you want to call her, came to me and... we started chatting. I’d seen her many times before there. She usually came to talk to me and -”

“So that wasn’t the first time you guys were together? You had been cheating on me longer?” I interrupted him.

“No! I’d never do that,” he exclaimed.

“Yeah, but instead you’d first tell me that you could never hurt me and you love me, you won’t find anyone else, all that, and then it suddenly means nothing, you just forget everything you ever said, start drinking again and pick up some woman from the bar. Is that it?” My eyes tingled and I tried hard not to start crying.

“No, that’s not it,” he said, sighing, “Could you, please, listen what I want to say? I know this is difficult and the way I handled things wasn't... good, but... Please, just listen.”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“So, she came over to where I was sitting at and we talked and all that, but then I started to feel that I was doing something wrong, you know, because of you. I left and went home. There I realized that I don’t need to think about you anymore, because we weren’t together anymore. So, I called her and asked her to come over, which she did. We had sex, a few times actually and we drank,” James told. I remembered the conversation we had had that morning and I felt all the pain and sadness come rushing back to me. Of course, I had never been able to really forget about what had happened, because I hadn’t settled things with James. “In the morning, right before you came, I started to regret what I had done. Both drinking and being with her. Because I loved you. Then you were there and... I can never express how awful I felt then.”

“Well, it wasn’t very nice for me either.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry for that, I wish I could-”

“I wish, too, but you need to stop apologizing, because that doesn’t help at all. It won’t change anything. You’ve said that you are sorry and I believe that. I’m sorry, too. If I had called you earlier, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe, if I had thought everything wholly through before breaking up... Maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I was meaning to call you the night before, but something came up and I didn’t, I just decided that I’d come over the next day and talk to you in person,” I said and brushed off a little tear from my face.

“What were you going to say?”

“That I was too hasty. That you were the only one who I wanted to be with. That you were the only one who I wanted to have children with and that it was either you or no-one.”

“So... You basically came there to see if we could get back together?” I nodded. “Right. Well, I’ll continue. After you had left, she said that she doesn’t want to be involved with me, since I love you and it wouldn’t be right to any of us... She left then and I went inside, drank and trashed the house. Time went on drinking, it was an escape for me, just like in the past... Thinking that I’d never see you again... After you quit. It was horrible. I always thought that you’d be there and then you weren’t. I realized that I needed to get help, I mean, I just realized that I drove everyone away from me. Even Lars and Kirk felt that, they sat me down and talked me into going to rehab. I went there and... well, we’ve talked about that before... I saw people use the same excuses that I had used and all that. I checked myself in and I was there a lot longer than I originally thought. There were so many things that I needed to think about. All the deaths in my family, all the shit I had done to people I love, everything. Then Karen came along and we got along very well...”

I was quiet for a while. “Well, I don’t know what I should say. That woman seems to have been wise and I’m glad that you went to rehab and I’m glad if you’re happy with Karen...”

“Yeah.” The both of us fell silent for a while. “You don’t need to say anything, I’m not expecting any replies... I just wanted you to know what happened. I’m not trying to make it sound like I thought sleeping with the woman was a good thing to do, ‘cos it wasn’t, I regret it. I mean... I did it to get over you, but it didn't help. Quite the opposite. But I just wanted you to know why it happened. I understand that I hurt you, badly, and I really wish I hadn’t. You mean so much to me. And here’s a secret... In rehab I promised myself that if I ever met you again or could have you in my life again, which then seemed like a dream, albeit a very good one, I would be different. I would treat you like you’re supposed to be treated. Not like I’ve treated you before... But... You know. I wouldn’t want to miss a thing. And I really hope that you understanding what I was going through might make you feel a bit better about this. If that’s possible...” I nodded and got up from his lap and tried not to look at him. He got up, too, walked to me and pulled me closer for a hug. I pushed him away.

“Don’t.”

“Sorry, I didn’t-”

“I know. It’s not your fault. I just can’t... Just like I thought... It’s like it happened again...,” I said quietly.

“So... Now you don't want to see me anymore?” he asked. It almost broke my heart to hear his words. Or the tone of his voice. He sounded sad, broken. I knew that he figured that he had done wrong.

“I don’t know. I’ll know it when I’m all right with talking to you. I’ll... I’ll go to bed now and I’ll leave in the morning,” I said and walked past James.

“Deborah...,” James started.

“No. Don’t. Please?”

”Just... don’t take her away from me...”

“I won’t, I’d never do that,” I promised.

~*~*~*~*~

I put the phone down and brushed the few tears off my face. I couldn’t believe what was happening. First, there was everything with James and I hadn’t been able to see him or talk to him after we had talked about what had happened. Then... This. I just couldn’t believe it. I picked up the phone and dialed Kirk’s number.

“Hi, Kirk, it’s me,” I managed to say before I started to cry again.

“Hey... What's wrong?”

“I... I can’t talk to James or Christina. Could you, please, come here? I know we haven’t been that close anymore, but... I just...”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a second. Tell me then... Are you and Sarah both okay?”

“Yeah, we are. Thanks.”

“Okay, I’m on my way. I’ll see you soon.” I nodded and put the phone down.
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ilovejaymz
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Well, it's read, but i did not enjoy it.. i could feel their pain :(

Looking forward to next update, in hopes, that it will be better between them :) :heart:
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Hey Naja, thanks for your comment! :heart: Here's the next part, and I think this is probably the longest chapter in the story so far haha. Not necessarily the most exciting or the most important one, but anyway. Hope you like it, let me know. If anyone else is reading, I'd appreciate a comment. :)


PART 30:

Kirk came over fairly quickly, I was pretty sure that he had driven over the speed limit. As I opened the door, he instantly hugged me and somehow managed to close the door and walk over to the kitchen. He sat me down on a chair, poured me something to drink and came to sit next to me.

“What is it?” he asked softly and brushed a few tears off my face.

“Mom had a heart attack,” I whispered. “She’s in a coma and there’s no guarantee that she’ll wake up.”

“Aww... Honey, I’m so sorry... But I’m sure she will be alright.”

“I’m not... But I should go there, but I can’t go alone with Sarah... Christina won’t come and James... I can’t ask him. I know that you should be working and we haven’t really been in touch lately and I’m sure that you have better things to do-”

“I’ll go,” he cut me off. “I’m assuming you want to leave as fast as you can, right?” I nodded. “Alright. I’ll call Lars and James and let them know that we’re going to... where? Florida?” I nodded again. “To Florida and then I’ll book three seats on the next possible flight. We’ll pack your stuff and go to my place and I’ll get my stuff and then we’ll go to the airport.”

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, we're friends,” he said and kissed my cheek lightly. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and started to call Lars.

“Don’t tell him where were going, please?” He nodded. I felt bad for asking that, but if Lars would know, it would be a matter of time before James would know as well. And if James would know where we were, he would come there and I didn’t want him to come. James had already called me a few times, he hadn’t been over, but if he knew what had happened... He would come over. And I didn’t want him to. I wasn’t ready to see him again. Not yet.

After Kirk ended the phone call with Lars, he called James. “Hey, man, it’s me. – Look, uhh, I’m not coming to work tomorrow... – I already called him. – Yeah, he’s fine with it. – Deb needs me. – Because. – It’s up to her to tell you. – Okay.” Kirk handed the phone to me, but I refused to take it. “She doesn’t want to, sorry. – They’re fine. – I will. – Yeah. – Bye.” He put his phone on the table and turned to me. “I’m gonna get the tickets and then call Lisa. Why don’t you go and gather up your things, so we’re ready to go?” I nodded and got up.

~*~*~*~*~

When Kirk came to my room, I had managed to pack about half of my things. I was sitting on my bed, crying and clutching a photograph in my hands. Kirk came to sit next to me and took the photograph off my hands. He wrapped his arm around me and held me until I stopped crying.

He looked at the photograph for a while. It was a picture of me, James, Sarah and Mom at James’ house. It had been taken a couple of months ago, when Mom had been here, when I had been happy. I was crying both because of Mom and because of James. I hated not having him in my life.

“Sweetie, we have to be at the airport in two hours. Do you want me to help you pack?” Kirk asked quietly.

“Yes, please,” I replied.

“Can I put the lights on?”

“Just that one,” I said and pointed at a lamp on my desk.

“Alright? What have you packed so far?”

“Underwear, socks, shirts... I need pants, Sarah’s clothes and some other stuff. Diapers and so on...”

“Okay. Why don’t you get me the things you need and I’ll pack them.”

“Okay,” I said and did as he had instructed, finishing about half an hour later. I had fortunately brought Sarah’s car seat from my car to the apartment, so we didn’t need to go to my car and get it.

~*~*~*~*~

Kirk had managed to get us two seats in first class. Sarah needed to sit on my lap, as she was so little.

“So... What have you been up to?” Kirk asked as Sarah had fallen asleep. I was happy that he started to talk to me – he knew that I needed something else to think about, and that I wouldn’t be able to start a conversation, I was too worried about Mom.

“Well... I’ve been with Sarah, that’s pretty much it,” I replied.

“I heard that you guys have talked about what happened last year,” he started.

“Yeah. Just a few days ago. It was pretty much like I expected. It’s like it happened again. I don’t want to talk to him at all...”

“Yeah, I heard that, too... He hasn’t been too happy lately.”

“Me neither. I promised that I’d call him, but I still haven’t. I just can’t do that...”

“Are you going to... Are you going to talk to him eventually?”

“Well, I’m gonna have to.”

“Do you want to?”

“Kirk...”

“Sorry. I just... It’s not nice seeing him like that. He’s been to the studio a couple of times but it’s as if he’s not even there. He’s there but he’s not there... He doesn’t listen to what we tell him. He doesn’t eat anything... He hasn’t played since you guys talked. He’s a freaking zombie.”

“It’s not like I’m enjoying this,” I said. Hearing what Kirk said made me feel really guilty.

“I know. I just wish you’d talk about it. Even if you want to tell him to get lost... It would be better than to not talk to him at all. He loves you and he’s worried.”

“I don’t think so. He may have loved me at one point. But not anymore. He’s with Karen and they love each other and that’s fine.”

“I didn’t mean that he’s in love with you, but he does love you. You are an important part of his life, just like Sarah is.”

“Well, I guess... Look, I don’t hate him. But how I felt that day... When I came over and I-” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“It’s okay,” Kirk said, “Go ahead. I know how that sentence ends.”

I smiled at him gratefully. “Yeah, so, it feels just as horrible as it did then. My father left my mother because he had found himself a new woman. Most of the men that I have dated have cheated on me. You didn’t, well, as far as I know, and James technically didn’t. I am not angry with him. I am not angry because he slept with another woman. It’s... well, it’s not okay, but it’s none of my business. It just... It doesn’t feel that nice, you know? I loved him, James, with all my heart.” I felt tears burning in my eyes. “I believed him when he said that he would never hurt me. I’m not angry with him because he slept with another woman,” I repeated, “I don’t have the right. We were not together and he was free to sleep with anyone he wanted to. But it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt me. It did.”

“Sweetie, I know. I understand. But James is different now.”

“Yeah, isn’t it ironic that now that he is different, he’s not... Uh, never mind. But I just need to think things through. I never got to know what happened, not until now. I’ve thought the worst... That he was seeing her, before or after that night. That he had been cheating on me for a longer time. That he hadn’t meant what he said to me earlier... I was alone with all those thoughts. It wasn’t nice. Now I know what happened. But... I need time to think about everything. I feel better now than the night when we talked... But I still don’t want to talk to him. Not just yet...”

“That’s okay. Take your time, but promise that you’ll talk to him.”

“I will, eventually. But hey, what about you? I haven’t heard anything from you...”

“Yeah... I guess I was kind of waiting for you to call me. I mean, what you said then, on the phone, I suppose I thought that that was still on... Sure, now that you’ve been with him... Maybe I could’ve called. I haven’t seen my goddaughter that much either, you know...”

“Yeah... I haven’t really had the time to try and stay in touch with anyone. It’s not so easy to take care of her all alone... I never thought that it would be so much work...”

Kirk looked at me and nodded, smiling. “But you’re not all alone. You have all of us and Christina... We’ll all help if you need us to, you know that.”

“Except that we haven’t been in touch, Lars and I don’t really have that kind of friendship that I’d ask him to come and take care of my child, Christina has been busy with Dan and they’re in Europe now...,” I explained. I knew that even if everyone had been able to help me with Sarah, I wouldn't have let them. She was my child and I didn't have the right to tell someone else to look after her.

“And the last one?”

“I don’t want to interfere with his life. We broke up because he didn’t want to have children. He has moved on and I don’t want to make him do anything. I mean... He's a good man. If I call him and say that I need help, he won’t say ‘no’, because it’s his daughter. He’ll say ‘yes’ and cancel whatever he might have planned with Karen... Then she won’t like that. Besides, he’s not an option right now. I can’t talk to him. I just can’t,” I told Kirk. “Also, it was your turn to tell how you’ve been.” He grinned.

“I know. Well, you know what’s been going on in the studio. I’m sure he’s told you all that... There’s really not much else... ”

“How about you and Lisa?” I asked and decided to not mention that James hadn’t told me anything about what they had been doing in the studio.

“Awesome. We have been discussing... family things. I’d like to have a kid, but she hasn’t warmed up to the idea. Not yet, anyway,” he said, “And the dogs are good, too, you were probably gonna ask that anyway,” he added.

“Ah, you know me all too well,” I grinned. “But it’s great if you’re gonna have kids, too. You’ll be a great dad.” He blushed a little.

“Well, thanks. But don’t talk about this with anyone, okay? I haven’t told the guys, Lisa wanted to keep it between me and her... At least until she’s made up her mind.”

“I understand and my lips are sealed. Keep me posted, though?”

“Of course,” he said smiling. “What about Sarah, how is she? What has she learned?”

“Well, she’s learning to walk and talk. She walks a bit if I hold her hand and then there are a few words she can say. Like... Well, ‘da’, ‘ma’, ‘see’ which means sleep. And ‘da’ means both dad and Dan. ‘Ma’ obviously stands for ‘Mom’. Then she does a sort of clicking noise when she’s thirsty.”

“That sounds great. And how have you been?”

I frowned at him. “Didn’t you just ask me that?”

“No, I asked what you have been up to. Now, I’m asking how you have been. How are you feeling about all the stuff with James? Not the talking bit, but family stuff. How’s the family life?”

“With James... Well, it’s been good. He’s a great father. An amazing father, actually, even if he didn't want to have kids in the first place. It’s kinda weird to see him so often and it was even weirder seeing him with Karen, who I guess doesn't like me because I haven't seen her in a long time... But I know James goes to see her just about every day.”

“What do you mean when you say it's weird?”

“Just that it’s weird. I was with him for a long time and it was always me who was with him. You know, it was so even before we started dating.”

“Yeah, but before that you were mine,” Kirk said, smiling. I nodded. It indeed had been so. I had been Kirk’s first. We had been practically inseparable. Well, until we broke up. But that had been a mutual decision, so, we had remained very close, and the relationship we had had been based on friendship, not so much on romance. It turned out that kissing him was like kissing my brother.

He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. “Let’s not let this jackass come between us again, okay?”

I giggled a little. “He’s not a jackass, not really, but let’s not. I agree.”

“I’ve missed you very, very much.”

“Me, too. But yeah... Family life... Well, it’s good, too. James is a great dad, like I said already, and Sarah is lucky to have him. James has spent some nights with us and vice versa, that’s been great.”

“And you?”

“What about me?”

“How have gotten into the family life?”

“It’s been harder than I thought. A few weeks after I had gotten Sarah I actually couldn’t get out of the bed. I was exhausted. Christina, Mom and Dan helped me a lot then. I probably wouldn’t be here without their help. I tried to do too much then. I’ve got everything under control now. I just can’t sleep. I feel a need to keep checking on Sarah and I wake up to the slightest noise...”

“I’m assuming you’ve let James know, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s not his problem. I don’t want to interfere with his life too much.” I said and shrugged.

“Well, I don’t think that he wou-” I held out my hand and he stopped talking.

“Let’s not talk about him. If there’s something I need to say to him, I’ll say it.”

“Alright, sorry,” Kirk said quietly. I tried to stifle a yawn, but failed.

“Do you mind if I take a nap?” I asked.

“Not at all. I should, too, actually,” he said and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I quickly fell asleep, for once feeling somewhat safe.
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ilovejaymz
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aww Kirk is such a sweetheart :heart:

Looking forward to more
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