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Too Late, Too Late; James+Deborah(OFC), 2001-
Topic Started: March 22, 2011, 1:11 pm (15,651 Views)
Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Thanks for your comments, Naja and Elisabeth! :heart: Keep commenting, and reading, and enjoy (or not) the newest installment in the series.



PART 35:

I woke up as I heard Sarah babble. I got up, walked over to Sarah and lifted her from her bed. I walked to the bathroom to change her diaper and then to the kitchen to do some breakfast.

I put Sarah down on her highchair and gave her some cereal she could eat while I made some porridge. I noticed that there was a note on the fridge door. I frowned and read it.

“Sorry.” One single word in James’ handwriting and I knew that he had left. After breakfast, I tried calling him several times, but his cell phone was off. I left him a few messages, asking him to call me.

~*~*~*~*~

It had been a bit over a week since I had seen and heard from James the last time. I had tried to call him several times, but he had never picked up. After a few days, I had stopped calling him. Why bother?

I had gone back home a few days after he had left. I had called Kirk and asked him to pick us up at the airport. Of course, by ‘us’ I had meant Sarah and I, but Kirk had thought I was talking about James as well, so, he was surprised when it was just the two of us who came back.

Mom had gotten out of the hospital and she had decided to move back to San Francisco. She had already found a nice little place to live in and she was having her stuff moved over there. I had asked her to come live with me, but she had refused, saying that I didn’t want to be the 38-year-old who still lived with her mother.

However, I didn’t see it that way, and I wouldn’t ‘still’ be living with her, I would be living with her ‘again’. And, I also thought that it would be nice to live with someone. Being alone with Sarah 24 hours a day, seven days a week wasn’t as fun as you would first think. Surely, I wasn’t alone with her all the time, but lately I had been practically only with her. I had no one to talk to and, virtually all I did was play with her. Of course, I loved being with her, but I just wanted a break from it.

That was why I was so happy when Kirk invited me to HQ. It was just for a few hours, but it was better than nothing. And Lars was there with his son, Daniel, who was about 5 years old. I thought it might be nice for Sarah, and me, to play with someone else for a change. Surely, Sarah was still in the age where she was just learning to play and she was pretty much playing alone, but, fortunately, Daniel liked to be with her and teach her to do things.

~*~*~*~*~

As I was sitting by the kitchen table at HQ, drinking a cup of coffee and making sure the kids got along well, Lars came to me with a stack of papers. “Listen, now that you’re here, could you help me out a bit?” I looked up at him with widened eyes.

“Is that all your paperwork since I left?” I honestly wasn’t sure what I expected his response to be. I realized I wouldn't be surprised if he had said ‘yes’.

“Not quite,” he said with laughter in his eyes. “A few of the... uhmm... minor lawyers resigned and John is on a vacation... I think. And we haven’t been active, because of James, and we thought Metallica would be done... So... There are a few things we haven’t managed to do...”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No,” Lars said and sighed. He placed the papers on the table and pulled up a seat.

I looked at him. “You’re the businessman of the band. How can you have this many things to do? And how can John be on a vacation when you have all this stuff to do?”

“Okay, well, he’s not really on a vacation. He doesn’t work for us anymore,” Lars whispered.

“He what?!”

“Yeah. He got a better job, I guess.”

“He should have gotten someone else.”

“He tried, but we said no. We thought we didn’t need anyone then, so, we didn’t hire anyone.”

“Why haven’t you told me before? I could have helped you.”

“You had all that stuff going on with James and then with your mom... I didn’t want to bother...”

“I see. Well, I’ll check these out now... or in the next two years, anyway. I suppose Sarah and Daniel will get along fine.”

“Thank you so much, Deborah.” Lars sounded very relieved. I gave him a smile and patted his forearm lightly.

I took a few of the papers and read them through. “You should have taken care of these a week ago!”

“I know, there probably are things that should have taken care of a month ago...”

“I can’t believe this...” I shook my head and continued looking at the papers.

“Yeah, well, try. If I can have an excuse, it will be the fact that I’ve had problems... But anyway...”

“What kinda problems?” I asked, organizing the papers into three piles; “must be taken care of a week ago”, “asap” and “no rush”.

“Stacey and Daniel, and I met someone... It could become serious,” Lars said quietly, obviously, not wanting Daniel to hear what he said. “I’m also worried about James... It’s not like him to be gone for this long... A day or two maybe... But after that he usually lets someone know...”

“I’m sure he’s fine. When I saw him, I did notice that he wasn’t himself. I wish he would talk to someone. I wish I could help him somehow...”

“Deborah,” Lars started.

“No. Don’t.”

“Sweetie,” he started and this time I let him speak. It wasn’t often that he called me ‘sweetie’ and when he did, he wanted me to listen. “You two really need to talk. I don’t know how much you have talked already, but in our sessions with Phil, he has named numerous things he would want you to know.”

“Yeah, we talked about the woman. That’s done.”

“That’s just one thing,” Lars said. I was about to reply when Kirk walked into the kitchen.

“Phil’s here, we’re ready to start.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” Kirk left the room and Lars walked over to Daniel who was coloring a picture with Sarah on the floor. “Sweetie, I’m gonna go talk with Kirk, Phil and Bob. You stay here with Sarah and Aunty Deborah, okay?” Daniel just nodded his curly-haired head, never lifting his gaze from the drawing.

~*~*~*~*~

After I had been organizing the papers for a while, Phil walked into the kitchen. “Hey, Deborah, how are you?”

“I’m good, thanks. You?”

“Working. As I see, you are, too. I just came to get a cup of coffee for the others and myself.”

“I see.”

“Listen, have you thought about James’ suggestion?” he asked. “Would you like to participate a session some time?”

“Umm... Why not...”

“Great,” he replied and left with the six mugs of coffee and tea. I was left to wonder why James hadn’t told me about his ‘suggestion’? I shook my head and continued organizing the few papers that were left.

The next paper I took had a post-it on it. In John’s handwriting it said, “Get this canceled for James!” I frowned and read the paper through. James had been selling his house... Well, he probably hadn’t sold it, but I wondered why he hadn’t told me about it. I took my cell phone and called to the real-estate agent whose number was on the paper.

“Hello, this is Deborah Walker, attorney of James Hetfield,” I said after the real-estate agent answered.

“Hello. How can I help you?”

“I believe you were selling Mr. Hetfield’s house, is that correct?”

“Yes, that’s true. I have a few buyers, actually. I just haven’t been able to contact Ja– uh, Mr. Hetfield.”

“Yeah, well, I have reason to believe that he isn’t interested in selling the house anymore.”

“I’m afraid that that’s not possible.”

“Of course, it is possible.”

“No, I mean that since he has done the contract, he has to sell the house.”

“I have the papers in front of me and there is no mention of that whatsoever.”

“Yes, but we had verbally agreed on a 2-week time during which he could cancel the selling which he didn’t do.”

“True, but that was unintentional. His former lawyer didn’t handle the cancellation, as Mr. Hetfield had requested, and it was just now brought to my attention that nothing was done to the issue.”

“Have you been in contact with him?”

“Not recently, he is taking some personal time.”

“Alright, why don’t you give me a call once you have talked to him and found out what he wants? I will tell the buyers that he is still considering their offers.”

“Thank you so much, that works very well. I will call you as soon as I get in touch with him, or I will have him call you. Goodbye.” I hung up and placed the paper on a different pile from the others.

I glanced at the clock and noticed it was way past Sarah’s nap time “Sarah, sweetie, you’re gonna have to go and take a nap now,” I said and walked over to her and Daniel.

“Does she have to?” Daniel asked sadly.

“Yeah, I’m afraid she has to,” I told him.

“That’s okay.” He nodded. “I know that little kids need to sleep more. Daddy said that I don’t need to take a nap if I don’t want to. Today I don’t want to. Yesterday I wanted to.”

“That’s nice,” I said smiling and offered my hand to Sarah. She took it and stood up. “Daniel, I’ll play with you for a while when I come back, okay?” He looked up at me and smiled, nodding. Sarah and I walked to Kirk’s office hand in hand. There, I put her to sleep, took the baby monitor with me and walked back to Daniel. I asked him to show me his drawings, which he happily did.

After I had been playing, drawing and coloring with Daniel for some time, Stacey dropped by to take him. He gave me a hug first and then walked to his mother, hugging her, as well. Stacey and I talked for a while until she left with Daniel. I walked over to the papers and started to see which of them should I take care of first.

~*~*~*~*~

I was sitting by the table with Kirk and Lars, we were looking through some of the papers and we heard a door slamming. We all looked up at the door, waiting to see if it was him who would appear to the kitchen soon. Surely, it was.

James stopped dead on his tracks as he saw me. “What are you doing here?!” he spat. “You fucking quit your job, said that you don’t want to have anything to do with Metallica and you have taken my daughter away from me! And now you’re here!”

I sighed and for once hoped that he’d be drunk, that he really didn’t blame me for everything.
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ElisabethOrion
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OH fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. :ugh:

AHH I kinda hope he's drunk too so he's not being a total asshole.
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ilovejaymz
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Oh no! Please don't wait to long with next update :heart:
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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Here we are then. Thanks for commenting Elisabeth and Naja. :)

Some yelling and stuff up next.

PART 36:

Before anyone of us managed to say a single word, he left and after a short while, we heard a door slamming. Lars stood up, apparently ready to go talk to him, but I asked him if I could go. He sat back down and sighed.

I walked to James’ office and knocked on his door. There was no answer, but I opened the door anyway, stepped inside and closed the door behind me. James was sitting on his couch, holding his head in his hands. He was trembling a bit, and it seemed to me that he was crying. My heart ached, just like it had done that night in Florida. I walked over to the couch and sat beside him.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I had been wondering if I should just let it all go and forget about him. Everything between us was so unstable that that just sometimes seemed like the better alternative. I wasn’t completely comfortable around him, and I didn’t think that I was the only one of us two that felt that way.

But despite those thoughts I knew that I could never just let him go, I couldn’t do that to him or to Sarah, and I wouldn’t be able to forget him, even if I wanted to. He had already been a big part of my life for years and now that we had a child together, I just couldn’t imagine him not being there.

There was a part in me that wanted to leave him alone until he would get himself together, but at the same time, I wanted to help him do that. I knew that it might not be wise, that I might end up getting hurt in the process, but I loved him so much that I really wanted to help him as well as I was able to. Of course, if he didn’t want me to help, which seemed to be the case, I couldn’t help him.

“We’ve been worried about you,” I said after I had been sitting next to him for a few minutes. I carefully touched his shoulder and when he didn’t push my hand away, I wrapped my arm around him.

“Too bad. I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself,” James replied.

“I’m sure you can... Where were you?”

“With a few buddies...” he answered shortly.

“Drinking?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you drink?” I asked cautiously.

“We’ve already had this conversation.”

“I know, but this time I’d like to have a good explanation.”

“Why do you even care?” he asked and looked at me. He looked horrible. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. And I was sure now that he had been crying when I came into the room. “You’ve made it perfectly clear that you don’t care about me anymore... And that ‘we’re just going to be polite, not friends’,” he said, quoting my words from a while back.

“I know I’ve said that,” I started. I wasn’t sure what I should tell him. I thought he knew I cared about him... “But that was quite a while ago. That was when I couldn’t get along with you.” I paused for a while. “I love you. I do care about you, very, very much. Even though I said that we’re going to have to be polite, not friends, I didn’t really mean it. I mean... I didn't want that.”

“No.” He shook his head slowly.

“What?”

“That’s not true.”

“Why wouldn’t it be true?” I asked, even though I had a good idea of what he was going to say.

“Can’t you remember what I’ve done to you? I’ve lied to you and I cheated on you and I treated you awfully...” I took his hand in mine and gave it a squeeze.

“First of all, if you are talking about that woman, you didn’t cheat on me. We weren’t together then. And when it comes to the other things... No-one is perfect, James, we all make mistakes in life, it’s unavoidable. I've made plenty of them.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. I’m sorry, too. We’ve been through this...”

“Yeah.”

“And James? I don’t want you to think that I have taken Sarah from you. I just don’t want her to see you when you have been drinking. I don’t like that James and I don’t want her to get to know him.”

“Me neither,” James said quietly. “But... I can’t do it.”

“Quit drinking?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“Yes, you can. You’ve done it already, you can do it again,” I assured him.

“It’s too difficult.”

“You can do it if you want to.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know if I want to.” He had a slightly annoyed touch to voice.

“You know, just as well as I do, that this isn’t the real you,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “You are just trying to control your feelings by drinking and you know that it won’t help forever. You’re going to have to face your problems sooner or later.”

“I guess so,” he said quietly. After a while he continued, “I would want to quit, but I can’t. ’I’m your source of self-destruction. Taste me you will see, more is all you need, dedicated to how I’m killing you.’ Funny how I wrote that over 15 years ago and it’s my reality now.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Go back to rehab; find the reasons why you quit drinking, ask for help. Whatever it takes...”

James nodded and was quiet for a few minutes. I could see he wanted to say something. “Will you help me?” he asked finally.

“I don’t know, James,” I replied, “I don’t know if I can.”

“Right...,” James said, sounding disappointed. He started to get up, but I stopped him by grabbing his arm.

“Look, I don’t mean that I don’t want to help you. I do. I just don’t know how I should do that. And...”

“What?”

“And after everything that has happened... I don’t know if I can help you. I mean that during these years I-”

“Yeah, I get it. Don’t worry about it,” he said, cutting me off and getting up.

“Don’t be angry.”

“I’m not.”

“I can see that you are.”

“I’m not!” he yelled, scaring me.

“Why are you yelling then?” I asked, trying to be as calm as possible. I really wanted to yell back at him, but it wouldn’t help, I knew that.

“Because this whole fucking thing makes me want to yell!” he said loudly, then lowering his voice, he continued, “I don’t fucking get you. First, you want nothing to do with me, then you kiss me, then you tell me to leave you two alone and now you’re here saying that you’ve been worried and shit. And you keep telling me that there’ll be nothing between us, but you also keep saying that you love me and you care about me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to believe.”

I sighed. “And I don’t know what I should do with you.”

“Yeah, blame me. That makes it easier...”

“I’m not fucking trying to blame you!” I screamed and got up. I looked at him in the eyes. “I’ve known you for years and while I do love you and care about you, I don’t understand why I am still here! You know that I’ve been really, really close of letting you go for freaking god knows how many times. Sometimes I don’t fucking know why in the hell I didn’t do that! You are so goddamn childish that I can’t understand it! You’re so...” I stopped to look for the right word, “You’re self-centered! You’re childish, stubborn and... and you try to dominate everyone! You ask for my help, and I have a fucking good reason to deny the help and then you try to make me feel bad by getting angry with me! What the fuck!” I breathed in deeply and continued, “Why do you think I say there’ll be nothing between us?! Guess! You are fucking dating Karen! Do you think I that I want to get back together with you when you’re with her? Well, I don’t! At first, I thought that we could talk about all this and get everything sorted out, but I don’t think that’s happening. And you know what? If it was up to me, none of this would have happened! Do you think that this is what I wanted? Do you think this is my dream life?” I questioned him. “Well, it’s not. That would have included you and me, marriage and children! Not you and Karen, and me and Sarah! As horrible as it is, I wish I didn’t have her, because then I wouldn’t have to be here! I wouldn’t have to see you when you’re fantastic with her and I wouldn’t have to see you drunk and I especially wouldn’t have to be doing this! This doesn’t work like this! It is not good for either of us to keep doing this! You just said yourself that this makes you want to yell. That’s what I’ve been feeling for the past years, but I’m done with it!” I stormed out of the roomed and practically ran outside.

I didn’t care that I had left Sarah alone. I didn’t care if anyone overheard me and I didn’t care that I yelled at him. I finally had gotten it all out and I felt good. Well, as good as you can feel after saying that you regretted having your first child. I didn’t really regret having her, but I did, however, regret having her in this kind of situation. I wished that I could have offered her a whole, loving family.

I sunk down on the ground, leaned my back against the wall and burst into tears.
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ElisabethOrion
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Sometimes us women need to stop holding things back like that and I'm proud of her for telling James the truth.
I hope things start turning up soon. I love them so much as a couple. :heart: :biggrin :horns2
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Scorpion Flower
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Still reading:) Sorry if I don't comment as often but as I have read the story once, I don't know what to comment . Anyway, update!
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ilovejaymz
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And now would be the time he told her, that Karen is out of the picture!

Good thing she got it all out.. let see if he does some good with it, or fuck it all even more up.
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ilovejaymz
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Poor Twisted Me
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*Jumps up and down*
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ElisabethOrion
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*cough* I love this *cough* :biggrin :heart:
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:heart:

The next chapter is ready to be posted and I'll try to update soon. We just moved and we don't have internet yet... hopefully tonight. :)
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ilovejaymz
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Still waiting (im)patiently :biggrin
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Bleh, we still don't have internet, which sucks because I was promised that they'd have the connection set up for us on Monday, but... Oh well. I had to come use a friend's connection, so, I thought I'd update while I am online. Hope you guys don't mind ;)

Thanks for commenting all, Elisabeth, Scorpion and Naja! :heart: Good to see that even the "oldies" are reading. :) This update should be a little different from the previous version of the story. Or well, it is different since I rewrote about half of it, but anyways. Enjoy! I'll hope to be back soon.



PART 37:

Having calmed down a bit, I got up, wiped away my tears and walked back into HQ. I heard James and Lars yelling at each other in the kitchen, and I didn't want to go there, but my legs didn't co-operate with me. I walked to the kitchen door, staring at the guys, all gathered around the kitchen island.

Lars was yelling at James. “What the fuck are you thinking when you treat her like that?! And where the hell have you been?! No-one fucking knew where you were! Kirk thought he was picking you up from the airport with Deborah and Sarah, but it was just the two of them! Big fucking surprise! And she fucking thought you were here with us. You should fucking grow up and start acting like a fucking adult!”

“Shut up,” James hissed at him, seeing that I was standing just outside of the kitchen. He nodded towards me but Lars missed the hint.

“I will not fucking shut up!” Lars shouted. He had his back to me, so, he didn't know I was there. “You will fucking promise me that you'll get your shit together or we're done!”

“I will,” James replied, rather calmly. “But I'm telling you that you should shut the hell up and maybe turn around.”

“What the fuck-,” Lars started and turned to look at me after James, once again, nodded toward me. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” I said quietly. “Umm... I should go. See if Sarah's awake... I didn't mean to... Or... I... I'll just go.”

I turned around quickly and heard Lars talking to someone, James I assumed, loudly. Not yelling anymore.

I didn't know why I had stood there, watching them. I could've told them to stop yelling at each other or I could have just gone to wake Sarah up. I didn't understand myself.

I reached Kirk's office and opened the door, seeing that Sarah was still fast asleep. I woke her up, fed her and went back to the kitchen. I assumed Sarah wanted to see James, and vice versa.

As I returned to the kitchen, I put Sarah down on the floor. She kept holding my leg; she was still a little sleepy and that seemed to mean that she got shy. I pried her hands away from my leg and she grabbed my hand instead. I crouched down next to her and pointed at James. “Wanna go say hi to dada?”

James turned to us and smiled at me, and at Sarah, broadly.

“Dada,” Sarah replied. She looked at James and grinned. “Dada!” She looked at me, as if asking if she could go to James.

“Go give daddy a kiss, sweetie,” I said encouragingly. She let go of my hand and toddled to James who lifted her up and gave her a kiss. Sarah kissed him back and laughed happily.

“I missed you, sweetie-pie,” James said to Sarah. I looked at them, smiling. He was so amazing with her. I hoped that he could find enough reasons to quit drinking for good. Or rather, I hoped that he’d realize that Sarah should be enough of a reason for him to quit.

After being with James for a while, Sarah came back to me and tugged on my jeans, wanting me to lift her up.

I noticed that the atmosphere in the room was more than a little uncomfortable, obviously, because Lars and James had been arguing. I thought of leaving the room, but Sarah started wiggling in my arms and when I put her down on the floor, she went back to James. Lars and Kirk looked at each other and silently left the room.

I wanted to leave too, but I didn’t want to leave Sarah alone with James. It wasn't that I wouldn’t have trusted him but that I realized that I had said I wished I didn’t have Sarah, and I felt really bad about it. I just wanted to be with her. Even if she didn't understand what that meant, and even if she hadn't heard me saying that.

I walked over to the kitchen table and started to look through the stack of paper again, organizing everything into the piles. I couldn’t concentrate at all, I noticed that even though James was playing with Sarah, he looked at me every once in a while, and I felt myself starting to blush a little. I tried to focus more on the paperwork in front of me, without much luck, but, at least, it seemed like I was doing something...

~*~*~*~*~

James:
I was thinking about how to start talking to Deborah and, more importantly, what to tell her first. I didn’t understand why things were as they were, but I knew that I needed to be the one to start fixing them. I had messed up big time by first losing my shit to her on the phone and then by going to see her and leaving without talking to her first. Well, without telling her that I was leaving. I had misunderstood what she had told me that night on her mother’s porch and it had taken me much too long to realize what she had been saying… The story of my life. I reacted first, then thought. It didn’t work that way. Not with Deborah, at least. She was different, she had been hurt too many times and I shouldn’t be one of the people who kept hurting her all the time. If that meant that I’d get hurt in the process of not hurting her… Then so be it. As long as I didn’t hurt her anymore.

Today I had realized that what Christina had told me before about Deborah was very true. I knew that I hadn’t been honest with my feelings then and I was beginning to think, or actually, I had been thinking since I had been to Florida, that Deborah hadn’t been really honest either. But, right now, I didn’t know what think about all this.

Hearing her yell at me had been a real eye-opener. I could count the times she’d yelled at me over the years using the fingers of only one hand. And I wasn’t sure I’d need even half of those five fingers. During all these years she had barely raised her voice at me. Really yelled like she had today... Never. She'd kept all of that rage inside, because she couldn't confide in me. Because I hadn't cared.

Everything that she had said, I realized, had been right. She had a perfect reason to not even talk to me anymore, much less start helping a childish alcoholic who hadn’t been anything but a burden to her.

I glanced at her occasionally, while I was playing with Sarah. She was going through our paperwork – one of the things I had yelled at Lars for. I didn't see a reason for him to bother Deborah with our unmanaged business, she had quit her job after all. Again, for a good reason.

I knew that she knew that I was paying some attention to her, even though we weren't talking or anything; she was acting nervous, playing with her hair, blushing, reading the same piece of paper a few times before placing it on top of one of the piles that were in front of her.

“We’re not together anymore,” I said, figuring I’d start with Karen. She was, understandably, some kind of an impediment to Deborah. I realized now that she was afraid to get close to me because she didn’t want to make Karen feel uncomfortable, or something to that effect anyway. Of course... She didn't know there was no Karen anymore. “I... broke up with her a long time ago. I just... I never told you, or anyone, about it, because I didn't want you to think that I did that because of you and that I expected something from you.” I told Deborah. She just nodded. I waited a while for her to say something, but since she didn’t, I continued, “What is it that you’re done with?”

“This,” she said quietly and pointed her and then me.

“Us?” I asked in disbelief. Had I read her completely wrong?

“Yeah. I can’t keep arguing with you all the time. It’s too much. All of this is too difficult. We should be honest with each other,” she said silently. She sighed softly and lowered her gaze. So, I had been right. Or Christina had been right. She was scared. Maybe she hadn’t said that but she was scared.

“I know that. And I hate this, too. But I want to change and I want to change all this. You were right, I am childish. I say that I don’t know if I want to get better, but I do. I really do. I don’t want to be childish, I don’t want to be stubborn, I don’t want to be dominating... I want to be someone you can be proud of. And I want to make this work. That will take a lot of work, but I really want that. You deserve better than this. You both do. And I know that I can’t go back and undo some things I have done, I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“We’re gonna have to talk, again.”

“I know that.”

She looked at me, eyes full of tears. “You need to call your real-estate agent,” she said. It wasn’t what I had expected to hear, but I was surprised she knew I had one. “She has some buyers for your house. Were you going to sell it? Or well, obviously, you were, but were you thinking about telling me about it?”

I frowned a little. Everything that had happened today and she was crying over a house?

“Yeah, I was gonna do that. Sell it and tell you about it. There was a time when I was thinking about asking Karen to move in with me, and I thought that a new house would serve as a new beginning of sort. But I realized that... Well, that I was trying to fill a hole in me and... she didn't fit. I didn’t, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. Not with her. It’s… not her. So, I decided not to sell the house and I just thought that I could just not mention it.”

“Yeah, it seems you’ve been doing that a lot...”

“Not mentioning things? Yeah, and I think you have, too.”

“Yeah, I know. I shouldn’t have. Maybe this would be different...”

“These ‘what ifs’ are not something that we should focus on. Things that have happened have happened. We can’t do anything about them anymore, except maybe learn to forget them or live with them. When I was in rehab, I went through that. I kept thinking: ‘What if I hadn’t said that to Deborah?’ or ‘What if I hadn’t drank that night, would that have made a difference? ‘or ‘What if I had listened to you even once when you told me to get help or cut back...?’ But there was nothing I could do then. I went there because of you, that was everything and the only thing I could do for you then. I thought that maybe... maybe you could take me back after that.”

“But then you met Karen...,” she whispered. I thought I heard a bit of jealousy and resentment in her voice.

“No... Then I thought that I’d believe you for once.” I lowered my voice closer to whispering and continued, “You didn’t even want to hear from me, so, how could you have wanted to be with me?” Deborah didn’t say anything, but a few tears rolled on her cheeks. I brushed them away with my finger and Deborah closed her eyes as I did that.

“I did,” she whispered back at me, and just hearing that... That broke my heart.

“Yeah...”

“Take Sarah and me home later and we’ll talk then, okay?” she asked me, wiping her tears away herself.

“It’s a deal,” I replied. “I should probably go call the real-estate lady.”

“Okay.”

I got up, put Sarah on the floor, gave Deborah a kiss on the cheek and did the same to Sarah then.

I wanted to give her time and space. I didn't want to push her. I felt like things might possibly work out one way or another, so I didn't want to push my luck. She'd open up to me when she felt like it. And I'd wait.
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, January 21, 2012, 2:18 pm.
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ilovejaymz
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Finally he told her, that Karen is out.. And finally they are talking.. constructively.. now they "just" have to continue like that, and get it out in the open.

Looking forward to more Minna :heart:
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The damn internet still doesn't work properly. :( But here I am with another update. Thanks for your comment, Naja! :heart:

Keep the comments coming, and let me know what you think! :)


PART 38:

As James left the room, Sarah started toddling after him. I grabbed her up, not wanting her to distract James from whatever it was that he was going to do, and went to play with her. She quickly seemed to forget about James and concentrated on playing.

After a short while, Kirk stopped by. I had been thinking a bit about James and Lars arguing and I thought I could ask Kirk about what it was that they had been arguing about. Well, aside from me.

“Hey, sweetie, I gotta get going. Are you two coming with me?” he asked me, as he crouched down in front of Sarah, looking at her drawings.

I shook my head a little. “No, I’m gonna go with James...”

“Right... I’m sorry he showed up today, I didn’t know he was gonna come.” Kirk said quietly.

“No, it’s good that he came. And I’m glad I was here to talk to him.”

“And yell a bit?” he asked smiling a bit.

“That too...”

“Okay.” Kirk sounded a bit disappointed.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he assured, shaking his head.

“You’re not acting like yourself. I noticed there was something wrong when I came to the kitchen. What were you talking about before that?”

“Never mind about that,” Kirk said getting up.

“Kirk! I’m serious!”

“Me too,” he said and repeated his words, “Never mind about that.” He left without saying anything else.

I wondered what it was they had been talking about. It obviously was something he didn’t want me to know. That alone, was weird. Kirk never kept anything from me. I was just dumbstruck. I couldn’t help but wonder, was it something about me that I wasn’t supposed to know they talked about, or did they have something to discuss themselves that wasn’t to be talked with others? I didn’t really think that the latter option would have been it.

~*~*~*~*~

I noticed it was about time to have dinner. However, since I hadn’t planned to stay at HQ this long, I didn’t have anything for us to eat. I walked to James’ office, but he wasn’t there. I lifted Sarah up and walked to the control room. I saw him playing guitar in the studio. He wasn’t facing the control room, so he didn’t see us come in. Actually, he might have not seen us even if he was facing the control room; when he was playing alone, he usually played with his eyes closed. I had noticed that years ago, and I thought that made him play with more emotion than normally. At least, that’s how I saw, heard and felt it.

Now he was playing a song I hadn’t heard before, I assumed it was a song for the new album. It sounded great.

“I have come a long way where I started from, but I'm still not even close to where I'm going. I can no longer see the shine that has been lighting up my way, I cannot feel its glowing...”

He hummed the next part, I assumed it was a chorus or something they had no lyrics for yet, and continued, “This path that I've chosen's a rocky one, long, hard and frozen it has become. Each turn that I've taken on the way, has only led me back to Hell.”

After this, he concentrated on his guitar and played a nice little solo. It wasn’t often that James did solos, so it was nice to hear him do one. After the solo he continued, “Why did I ever choose to go this way, the question I keep asking myself all the time...”

He stopped playing for a second and started another song; this seemed more like a ballad than the other one. “So many times I have brought you down, that I have already lost all count, and I seem to be doing it again. No matter how hard I have tried, I have crumbled time after time, and kept failing in the end,” James sang. The lyrics seemed to be directed at me. Of course, I couldn’t be sure, but that’s what it sounded like.

“So many times I have let you down, shadowed the shine of our sun, and drowned you in tears and misery, that it is hard for me to see, how you can after all these years, still be standing by me...”

James got out of his chair, put the guitar on the stand and turned my way. He startled as he saw me, but smiled right away. He walked out of the studio after turning off the amps and within a few seconds appeared in the control room.

“Eaves-dropping, are we?” he asked.

“I was just looking for you... Nice songs, by the way, new ones?”

“Nope. Not even mine. But they are nice. Remind me of us and me...,” he replied.

“Yeah, I thought so, too.”

“I did a little thinking,” James said and was silent for a moment, as if thinking how to say what he was about to say. “I decided that I won’t go back to rehab, but I’ll start going to AA meetings. And... Okay, sit down,” he said and pointed to the couch.

I frowned, but sat down. Sarah wiggled in my arms again and wanted to sit on James’ lap. He took Sarah and sat down next to me. Sarah started playing with James’ hands and watched his tattoos.

“Yeah. Anyway, I don’t know where you are with this, but when I was talking to that real-estate lady, I thought that a new start is... uhmm... upon us, anyway, and I could sell the house and buy a new one. Now, I want you and Sarah to be there, so, I’d like you to come see the houses and tell me if you like them or not. And if it’s okay, it would be great if you could check the papers once I buy a house...”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay. Another thing... I thought it would be great if you would move in with me...”

I bit my lip and thought for a while. “I don’t know about that, James. I mean, that would be great, you’d get to be with Sarah more, but I don’t know if I-”

“Yeah, I thought about that, too. I’m not asking you to decide now or move in tomorrow. I don’t even know how this is gonna work out. We’re gonna have to wait and see. But just think about it.”

“I will definitely do that. I promise.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. But hey, I was looking for you. I need to go make dinner. It’s quite late already. If you’re ready, we could go...”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll just go get some things and I’ll go let Zach know we’re leaving.”

“Okay, I’ll get our stuff from Kirk’s office, I’ll see you outside?”

“Yeah.”

~*~*~*~*~

I was waiting for James by his truck outside. I had taken all of our stuff, along with Sarah’s seat Kirk had left for me in the living room. James and Sarah came out after a short while. James gave Sarah to me and said that he would go and get his wallet and he’d be right back. I put Sarah in her seat and waited for James get back to the car.

“Why was Kirk acting strangely before?” I asked James as he came back to the car.

“I wouldn’t know,” he replied, stopping with his hand on the car door handle. He didn’t look at me, so, I knew he was lying.

“Please, don’t lie to me.”

“Get in,” he told me and did so himself. I opened the door and sat on the back seat and looked at him through the rear-view mirror. He started the car, avoiding my gaze as he reversed.

“James... What is it?”

He sighed and glanced at me through the rear-view mirror. “Before Lars was yelling at me, they were both upset that I came here when you were here. Apparently, you had told Kirk that you were done with me and that you didn’t care. So, anyway, they said that I should forget about you. Well, that was mainly Lars talking, but Kirk didn’t say much, so, I guess he agreed. And if you asked Kirk what we were talking about, I guess he told you not to think about it. I’m sure he didn’t want you to know we talked about that...”

“I did say that I was done with you, and I also said that I didn’t care, but I didn’t mean that I’d never want to see you again. And I didn’t mean that I don’t care about you. I just... Well, I don’t really know. I was upset then and... I know that you came there because you cared enough, so, I was surprised to see that you had left.”

“Yeah, honestly, I wasn’t even going to go there. When Kirk got back, the first thing he told me was that I had been a jerk and that I should go and apologize to you. He was right, of course, but I hadn’t really thought about going to see you...”

“I see.” I had hoped that James would have wanted to come and see me and talk to me, but apparently, that was too much to hope for. Maybe he hadn’t even meant what he had said.



--------

PS. The songs James was playing / singing...
Sentenced - Fragile
Sentenced - Broken
Edited by Broken, Beat & Scarred, September 27, 2011, 4:31 pm.
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ilovejaymz
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Oh stupid her.. of course he meant what he said! Sometimes, women can be a little dramatic, and twist what have been said.

Please, don't wait too long for a new update.. still loving it :heart:

And i hope your internet is behaving soon :ugh:
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