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Somebody That I Used To Know; Het, James fic, drama/romance
Topic Started: December 16, 2011, 2:04 am (14,461 Views)
Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Yay! She finally was honest to herself! :D Oh, it was very moving to read her realization. Also loved the creepy dude POV, evil characters are always so interesting...

More!
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Luvville
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Bad Seed
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I need more :( its my daily work reading.
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Thanks everyone for all the lovely comments! I only just started writing the next update, mostly because I've had very conflicting ideas about where to take the story. I'm starting to think that perhaps one of the reasons I put off writing Kat and James finally seeing each other for so long is because it's just plain difficult. I want to try and make it seem as realistic as I can, but it's a lot harder than I anticipated.

I also want to experiment with writing different perspectives, styles and try to employ a few literary devices. We'll see how successful I am. No guarantees these writing experiments will make it into the story :lol:

But, I'm hoping I will find some inspiration somewhere and update this sucker (relatively!) soon!

@ Luvville: Welcome to the site! I hope you enjoy your time here and thank you for taking the time to both read and comment here on m fic! It's much appreciated! :heart:
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Once again, thanks for the patience and for reading everyone!

I really struggled with this and how to write James back into the story. But after some tips from Isis, I did some brain storming and wrote the majority of this just now. I figured I should just post it before I hate it and decide to change it all!!

Yeah, so I dunno about it.

Please enjoy anyway! :)

Edit: Not to self, write shorter chapters!



Chapter 29

Upon entering the room, I was surprised to see only Lars and Kirk. They were listening to music and drinking; but generally just enjoying each other's company. I did a quick, cursory look about the room, didn't spot James lurking in a corner anywhere, and then allowed Jason to propel me deeper inside as he let the door slam loudly behind us.

Lars and Kirk had immediately turned their attention to the intruders when we entered the room. I smiled politely as they scrutinized me, giving me a hard once over. Lars was frowning slightly, his eyes narrowed at me in what I took to be suspicion. He was sitting in a fold-out metal chair, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees and chewing a toothpick. As his green eyes critically surveyed me as he sat up in the chair, frowning a little. Kirk, on the other hand, smiled broadly and rose from where he was seated to give me a hug in greeting. I accepted it graciously, pleased that he appeared happy to see me. His black curls brushed my cheek as we embraced and tickled me slightly as I pulled away.

"It's really good to see you Kirk. It's been too long" I gushed at him honestly.

"Yeah, it's good to see you too. You look great!" he replied, his broad smile still plastered in place. He took my hand in his own and had me do a spin for him. I couldn't help but laugh as he whistled at me in appreciation. "You look better than I remember" he remarked seriously, but from his grin it was clear he was only teasing me, but I blushed nonetheless.

I let go of his hand and turned to greet Lars, in what I hoped would be a friendly encounter. His eyes were still narrowed at me, darkened with doubt and suspicion. But nevertheless he stood to greet me. I did my best to smile as sweetly and non-threateningly as I could. My hands disappeared into my pockets and I shifted my weight uncomfortably as Lars crossed the few steps between us. I withered a little under his intense gaze as he got closer to me; and I couldn't help but bow my head, almost in shame; like I had something to be guilty for. To my surprise, and delight, Lars embraced me, though perhaps a little stiffly. As my hands were still shoved inside the pockets of my jeans, he had trapped my arms and I was unable to return the greeting.

"It's good to see you Lars. I hope you're doing well" I murmured softly, hoping that I had said the right thing. Lars' body language and the prolonged scrutiny he had given me made it obvious that Lars had some kind of issue or problem with me.

"I am thanks. I have to say, though, I am surprised to see you here" he replied quite pointedly.

He let me go, taking a large step back. His intense gaze met mine and he appeared to be willing me to understand something that he would rather leave unsaid. My own stare hardened in response, as I was starting to feel a sense of unwelcome emanating from Lars. I suspected, and I was quite sure, that his semi-hostile behaviour was on account of James. It was becoming very obvious to me that James had recounted a version of why we had broken up to Lars; and it appeared to not be very favourable towards me. His gaze soon moved past me to regard Jason.

"I'm glad that you finally decided that you could make it. You're barely on time. Let's go, we've got sound check" he snarled at Jason unkindly, though at the same time a smug smile was plastered all over his face.

I whipped my head around, eyes wide to gauge Jason's response. He was eying Lars intensely and I knew, because I knew Jason's tell tale signs, that Lars' tone had pissed him off. His eyes met my own as he tried to push the anger down. His lips set into a thin line and I could tell that he was gritting his teeth, attempting to refrain from starting a fight. He stalked over to the door, his eyes flickering to Kirk, my own eyes following his trajectory. Kirk was on the periphery, doing his best to remain inconspicuous. I had to bite the side of my cheek and concentrate on the pain to stop from grinning at how adorable he looked.

Jason opened the dressing room door and swept his arm forward, indicating that Lars should go through. "After you" he replied at last and tersely. Lars loped happily through the door. When he was clear of ear-shot Jason finished his though by muttering, "King shit" under his breath as Kirk followed Lars through the door. Kirk snorted, chuckling at Jason's comment.

Jason turned his head to speak to me. "Coming? You can watch from side of the stage if you want to".

I nodded my agreement and went through the door, Jason following close behind me. He placed his hand on the small of my back, the warmth of it seeping into my spine, escorting me through the backstage labyrinth once more until we got the stage itself. As we approached the stage, the sound of a guitar suddenly resonated through the air. From the sweet, rhythmic strumming, I knew instantly that it was James.

Jason's hand left the small of my back and tugged gently on my arm, stopping me before I had a full view of the stage. His hands gripped my arms tightly, almost painfully. I shrugged my shoulders to loosen his grip a little.

"Ouch, Jase" I remarked.

His hands immediately let go and he held them up in apology. I ran my hands over my arms, gently massaging the throbbing flesh.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to grip so tight" he murmured apologetically, "I uh, I just want to make sure that you're ready for this. He's here, you know. So if you're not ready, you can leave. I'll understand".

Jason crossed his arms and hugged himself tightly. His expression was a facade of doubt and worry, his eyes meeting my own and holding my gaze firmly. From his body language, it was clear that he was more nervous about any potential interactions that I may have with James than I was. Jason was tense. I could almost see the anxiety coming off of him in waves, constricting him. Perhaps it was the way he held himself that gave me that particular mental image. His apparent concern was contrasted sharply against my own lack thereof. I felt surprisingly at ease; peaceful almost. In a way, it almost felt like I was coming full circle, and once I finally had the opportunity to speak to James in a civilized manner, the way I should have in the first place, then the circle would be complete and I would finally be able to fully and completely move on. It was not how I expected to feel at the prospect of knowing that James was only a few feet away from me again.

"I already saw him last night" I reminded Jason kindly, a small smile painting my lips in what I hoped looked reassuring. For some reason, I felt like it came off as being slightly delusional. What other woman would be smiling at the prospect of seeing a man who may or may not have, depending on perspective, assaulted her. "I'll be fine. I told you, I don't even think about what happened anymore. Everything will be okay".

"Kay" he replied, though he did not sound all that convinced and his arms remained wrapped tightly around himself.

In an odd twist of fate, I found myself gently tugging Jason's arms free from himself, allowing his body room and space enough to breathe and be free of the constricting snake of fear and doubt that were threatening to suffocate him. I was both surprised and concerned at Jason’s reaction to me being here. If anything, it revealed to me that Jason was not as at peace with the incident as I had thought he was. In fact, I came to the awful realization that it must have been exceedingly difficult for him to form a brotherly bond with a man that he deemed to have violated someone he loves. The sound of the James' guitar was suddenly deafeningly loud, not because he had turned the volume up, but because I was suddenly excruciatingly aware of the shadow that James cast onto the twisted, perhaps perverse, bitter-sweet relationship I had with Jason. In that moment, I became conscious to the fact that James would always come between Jason and I in one way or another.

When I had pulled Jason's arms free I had taken his hands in mine. I gripped them now, firmly, hoping to give him strength. They say that a person's eyes are the window into a person's soul. When I looked into Jason's eyes all I could see was fear, not for him but for me. It broke my heart to see him this way.

"Jason, what are you so afraid of?" I asked him soothingly.

He didn't answer me. He merely shook his head slowly from side to side, lips pressed to a thin line, his body still fraught with tension. It was almost ironic that the riff that we could hear James playing now was heavy, slow and very much carried the same sort of tension that Jason did. If he only knew he was playing the soundtrack to our conversation right now.

"I don't know what to say to you right now to make this better" I confessed.

"There's nothing you can say Kat because it never will be better. Don't get you that? Don't you see?" Jason whispered, almost hissed at me. He let go of my hands and stepped past me, presumably to go find his tech and get his bass.

I sighed in frustration, dropping my hands to my sides.

"Congratulations on the mess you've made of things".

I didn't need to turn around to know who had spoken to me so smugly, but turned I did to see Lars standing behind me, drumsticks in hand, fingers taped. He was smiling broadly, but it was an artificial smile, one that didn't reach the green pools of his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" he asked me now that we were alone.

"I live here" I replied smartly in an attempt to piss him off.

"Not Paris. Here as in this show" he fired back immediately, sounding terse.

"I'm here because Jason asked me to come. Do you have a problem with that?" I asked him, arms crossed over my chest. I cocked my head to the side, a clear challenge to him. I was not afraid of Lars.

"Yeah I do actually. You left James, moved to a new country, a different continent. You get a new life as some hotshot model. You erased James and Metallica from your past. You never mentioned us ever, and yet you're here and what? You're with Jason? Are you trying to set him off? Because you being here is going to do that and we honestly have enough problems without the baggage that you bring. You do know that those two don't get along at all and it's entirely your fault" Lars lectured me, though I couldn't disagree with a word of what he said because it was all entirely true.

"I'm not with Jason, Lars. I'm here as an old friend that wants to support him. It's not my intention to cause problems for you or for James" I replied, a little more friendly now that Lars had confronted me and I knew what his issue was. I uncrossed my arms and slid my hands into the pockets of my jeans. "I'll stay out of your way, okay? You won't even know I'm here. James won't even know I'm here".

Lars snorted, shaking his head. "Somehow I doubt that Kat. He's going to know you're here and he's going to want to talk to you. I just hope you're ready for that".

I nodded my head, not really sure how to reply to that. Lars returned my nod with one of his own and then walked past me to commence with the sound check. After a few moments I quietly followed him. I found a spot on the side of the stage that was out of the way of the crew, but still gave me a relatively unobstructed view of the stage.

I watched patiently as the boys went through their paces with the sound engineer. They would play all together for a few bars and then they would stop, sometimes one of them playing on their own, while the sound engineering mixed the sound appropriately. I watched James with curiosity as he stalked about the stage, talking quietly with Lars, Kirk and Jason or with his guitar tech. Without his leather jacket on, I could see that like Jason, he had bulked up his frame a bit with muscle. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt that exposed his toned arms nicely. Despite everything that had happened between us, I was still drawn to how handsome he was, especially now that he had blossomed into a hard, rugged man. His darkened hair, facial hair and newly muscled frame took away from his resemblance to my former lover and it was strangely liberating.

Watching James now, I realized that his resemblance to Marc had almost been like being around his spectre all the time. Marc was soft, blond and beautiful, the way James had been. But now, I could see the change in him. It even extended into his blue eyes that were previously shallow, sparkling tide pools, were now dark, hard and bottomless, like a dark abyss. The way he carried himself was different too. He had always had a confidence about him, but now, it was beyond confident. He carried himself with a cocky regality, and owned the space around him. When he walked closer to his band mates, all of them, perhaps unconsciously, stepped back, to give him space that he wordlessly commanded from them.

I watched him and I marvelled at the change in him. I wondered what it was that had molded him so. However, it wasn't long before I began to yawn ceaselessly, completely exhausted from my long day the day before and my lack of sleep during the night. Deciding that I needed a small nap before the show, I left the side of the stage in search of a quiet room where I could lay down for a few moments and just close my eyes.

I ended up finding my way back to the dressing room, remembering that it had a small sofa that I could curl up on. I stole a black hoodie from Jason’s wardrobe chest, knowing it was his because I recognized a few of his clothes. I slipped my heels off, put my bag down and then curled up on the couch, pulling the hoodie over me as a small blanket of sorts. It wasn't long before I drifted off into a deep, restful sleep.

It must have been a few hours later when I clawed my way out of my deep sleep, feeling a soft hand caressing my hair. I heard a soft whisper, but I was unable to decipher what had been said. I slowly opened my eyes and sat up, stretching my arms above my head. I blinked a few times to clear the fog from my eyes before I was able to focus on who woke me.

Seated in front of me in a chair that he had pulled up to the couch was James. He was leaning on his elbows that were resting on his knees, a small smile tugging on the corners of his mouth.

"You came" he stated simply.

I yawned once more, still feeling sleepy, and then pushed my hair behind my ears. I tried to focus my still fuzzy vision on him.

"You don't sound surprised" I replied, a little more saucily that I intended. I cocked my head to the side and pouted my lips slightly.

What was I doing?

Weird.


"I'm not. I knew you would come back to me" he replied, smile still toying at the corners of his mouth, eyes ablaze, dominating, capturing my own.

I sat up more fully, throwing my shoulders back and tossed my hair with a flick of my head.

"Who says I'm here for you?" I challenged him.

He raised one thick eyebrow at me. "Why else would you be here?".

"For Jason" I answered him, testing him to see what his reaction might be.

"I think we both know that's just what you're telling yourself. Who are you trying to kid? You came here to see me, and well, here I am".

James' smile grew from being sly into a full victorious, wolfish grin. He sat up and opened his arms wide, an indication that he was mine for the taking; maybe.

I narrowed my eyes at him, still feeling a little foggy from coming out of a deep sleep. I didn't appreciate the cocky attitude he was putting on for my benefit.

"Yes, here you are" I repeated his words thoughtfully, almost to myself. "Why are you here James? What do you want?"

There was a brief, but deafening span of silence. I swear I could hear his heart beating rhythmically, calmly. My own sickly heart seemed to beat in time with his, unable to find its own rhythm, needing to be guided by his and its strong, sure beat.

"I thought it was clear I want you. Remember, you gave yourself to me. You're mine. Just because you left me doesn't mean I left you. I still own you" James growled at me, eyes darkening.

"You never owned me James" I whispered, but I found myself leaning forward, almost falling into his eyes.

"You're wrong" he whispered, leaning as well.

Another long silence as we sat face to face, just a foot apart, studying each other. His face betrayed nothing. It was closed off, his emotions locked down tight. His words confused me. They weren't what I was expecting from him. They weren't what I needed to hear.

"I hated you for a time" I murmured softly, my voice barely above a whisper as I pinned him in place with my gaze.

"I hated you too" he breathed, frowning. "You ruined me, wrecked me, and made me what I am now".

His words were like a snake, slowly coiling their way around me, gently squeezing and constricting, holding a threat of something yet worse to come.

"And what are you now?" I asked, unable to restrain myself, despite the warning in my heart. I was like a moth to a flame, setting myself up for sure doom.

"Hard. Unyielding. Dead. I feel dead inside. I don't feel anything anymore. I feel numb. I'm me but I'm not me. Do you see what you've done? I can't be the man I want to be anymore because you broke me. I can't be the friend I want to be anymore because you've turned people against me".

Just like that, the snake sunk its teeth in, constricting ever tighter at the same time. My guilt welled up, threatening to consume me.

"I didn't do it" I whispered to him all the while shaking my dead in denial. "You did it to yourself James" I said, trying to convince myself.

"It's okay Kat. I've forgiven you for it. But don't you wish you were dead like me? Then you wouldn't have to feel what you're feeling now" James asked me, gently but almost tauntingly. He reached for me, his index finger tracing down my jaw to my chin. I shivered in response. He raised my chin so that we were locking eyes once more, his broad smile resurrected to his face.

My mind wandered and I thought about the plethora of feelings I had that I would give anything to be rid of. My love for Jason and the complicated situation we were in. I loved him, I knew I did. But I didn't want to. I felt my guilt over James. I felt like it coloured everything I did, all the relationships I forged. It made me hesitant, unable to trust, unable to love anyone other than the familiar. I felt my fear over the unknown man that was stalking and taking over my life. I didn’t want that fear, that horror of not knowing and of feeling like I didn't have control over my own life.

"I don't want to feel" I confessed to him. "Can you help me?".

James nodded and leaned forward even closer to me.

"I can help you" he whispered, barely audible. His lips brushed mine, gently, barely. If my eyes weren't open, I would have sworn that I had imagined it. "Just kiss me. Be mine again and I can help you".

I nodded my head in agreement. Yes, I would be his again. I needed to be his again. I needed his strength to help me. I needed James to free me.

I puckered my lips, opening them slightly as James' lips explored my own. It was familiar, yet overwhelming, tasting him again, knowing him again. We kissed, gently at first as we explored each other for what felt like the first time. We became reacquainted with one another, our tongues hesitant at first, unsure. But as the kiss deepened and we remembered what it had been like, we became more frantic and needy. James rose from the chair and slithered forward, using his body to push me back until we were laying on the couch, him laying firmly on top of me, our mouths never breaking, never stopping their intricate dance of passion and need.

As we kissed all I felt was him. My love for Jason, my guilt, my fear and horror was all forgotten; or perhaps it was consumed by James as he worked me with precision skill. He moaned low in his throat before finally breaking the kiss to feast on my neck.

His eyes caught my own as he looked up at me, mischievously.

Wolf eyes.

He barred his teeth a little, the dim light of the room making them glistening wetly. Then, without warning, he sunk his teeth into my neck violently, biting, sucking, and feeding on me. The pain was more than I expected, excruciating almost.

I looked down and I saw thin rivers of blood streaming lazily down my skin as James' teeth tore at my flesh greedily, ravishing me.

"James" I gasped, my hands moving between us in an attempt to stop him. "Stop, you're hurting me".

He ignored me, his teeth continuing their gnashing, the blood running more freely now. He raised his eyes to mine, but they were unrecognizable now. Instead of bottomless pools of blue, I was looking into the eyes of an animal, glowing and golden.

My heart began to race in fear, only pumping my precious life's blood more quickly out of me and into the mouth of this beast.

"Stop!" I was shouting, squirming, pushing and trying to fight my way out from underneath him.

He raised his mouth from my neck, his fangs stained with my blood, golden eyes glowing evilly

"Why? This is what you came for is it not? To feel nothing? To be dead like me?" he asked me, his wolfish grin taunting me. My eyes widened with fear and I shook my head desperately. He threw back his head and laughed, howled almost.

"No!" I screamed at him, kicking, trying to break free.

He lowered his head so that we were eye to eye. The smile was gone, replaced with a thin, grim line.

"What are you doing here then?" he asked me.

I felt myself being shaken violently. A deep voice was calling to me.

I felt myself trying to swim through the foggy haze that surrounded me.

My eyes flew open and I sat up violently in alarm. My hands flew immediately to my neck. It felt normal, no gaping, grotesque wound. I looked down at my chest and signed with relief when I saw it was clear of blood. I heard someone clear their throat impatiently.

I looked up to find that James was in front of me, his expression one of annoyance. His eyes, yellow in my dream, were their normal stormy blue. I breathed another sign of relief, my body deflating, shoulders sagging as I relaxed. What a fucked up dream.

"What?" I breathed, unsure of what he had said to me.

"I said what are you doing here?" James repeated standing before me arms crossed.

Uh oh.

Didn't James in my dream just ask me that before things got creepy and weird?

"Didn't we just have this conversation?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. I immediately covered my mouth with my hand in embarrassment.

Stupid brain.

Stupid word vomit.


James was looking at me like I was seriously crazy. "What?" he asked me.

I stood up quickly and made to walk around him. "Nothing. Just ignore me" I mumbled, mentally punching myself for uttering probably the most nonsensical thing I could in that moment.

I was at the door to the dressing room, my hand on the handle ready to turn it when I remembered my shoes.

Shit.

I turned around, blushing, only to find James dangling them from his fingers.

"Forget something?" he asked.

My blush turned a darker shade of crimson as I shuffled forward to receive my red pumps.

"Thanks" I mumbled, again.

James nodded as he studied me carefully. Feeling self conscious under his gaze, I put my shoes on the floor and carefully slipped into them. I smoothed my hands down my jeans looking around to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything else. I spotted my Burberry bag on the floor next to the couch. I scooted past James to pick it up and then turned around to face him again. I realized that this was my chance to say what I needed to say to him. It was now or never.

I took a deep preparatory breath and then steeled myself.

"So, look, I'm sorry about um being here. I know this must be terribly uncomfortable for you, it is a little for me. Jason asked me to come and I couldn't say no" I admitted to him in a rush. He didn't respond, nor give any indication that he had heard me. But he did continue to look at me. I swallowed a lump that had formed in my throat while I paused. "And if I'm honest, I kind of wanted to see you too actually. I've wanted to talk to you for awhile now, but I just haven't known how to reach out". I paused once more, waiting to see if he wanted to say anything. When he didn't, I continued again, "And I think you've wanted to talk to me too. You did wait outside the Chanel fashion show and after party yesterday" I prompted him softly.

"Yeah" he finally replied

It was the only indication that he had heard anything I had said so far. His facial expression hadn't changed, nor had his body language. He was carrying himself tall, arms crossed over his chest defensively.

"I'm sorry," I finally uttered, relief flooding me in one huge wave at having finally been able to say those simple words, "about the way that things ended between us and the way I dealt with that whole situation. In hindsight, knowing what I know now and having grown up a little bit, I can see that I was cruel to you, especially in the way that I ignored you for so long. For awhile now, I've just wanted to say that I'm sorry. And I sincerely hope that you're doing okay".

Finally being able to say what I needed to say to James was liberating in a way that I never thought it could be. I waited a few moments for James to respond. When it became apparent to me that he wasn't I nodded my head awkwardly and walked past him for the door. I wasn't expecting him to say anything or have any kind of revelation. But, I admit, it would have been nice if we could have buried the past. It was something I didn't want to dwell on and I was sure neither did he.

My hand was on the door handle once more, ready to turn it and leave when James finally spoke.

"Yeah I did want to talk to you yesterday" he said to me carefully. I turned and leaned back against the door, waiting politely for him to continue. James was still standing in his defensive posture, arms crossed over his chest.

"I had every intention of telling you how much I hated you and how much I wish I had never met you. You almost ruined Metallica you know?" James shook his head, smiling almost to himself, but his eyes were cold. "I did hate you. I hated you for making me fall for you, for not accepting my advances, for making me wait for so long. I hated you so fucking much for making me feel like a lowly piece of shit guy who what? Doesn't have enough control that he has to sexually assault his girlfriend to get off? Do you know how sick that made me feel? How much of a monster I felt like? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to hold this band together when Jason hates my fucking guts? You almost fucking ruined everything I've worked for, everything I've ever wanted. And then to see your face in all these fucking magazines, knowing that you're happy and successful and not suffering the way I was. It only made me hate you even more. So yeah, I came yesterday to tell you how much I hated you. I wanted to say it to your face and watch as the words sunk in" James spat at me, his eyes pinning me down against the door to the dressing room.

I was staring at him, with what I was shock on my face. I knew my mouth had fallen open in disbelief. I mentally processed what he said to me, and the more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t understand where he was coming from. I swallowed, trying to overcome my intense discomfort at James' confession.

He uncrossed his arms and took a few steps towards me. He shoved his hands into his pockets and scowled at me.

"But then I fucking saw you in person for the first time in, what, a year and a half? Maybe more? I saw you and you were happy, genuinely happy, and just beautiful as I remembered. You're just as perfect" he whispered to me sadly. His eyes looked down at my face with sorrow as I looked up at him with confusion. "And I realized how much I fucked up. I fucked us up" he murmured, more to himself than to me.

I was frozen in place, very confused by what James was saying to me. I chose to say nothing and wait and see where he was going with this. He continued to move closer to me though. His large frame was soon the only thing I could see because he was so close to me. I could only just feel his hot breath on my cheeks, but the smell of him, so recognizable to me, surrounded me like a thick, unrelenting blanket. Despite knowing, logically, that James was no threat to me, his imposing, overwhelming presence, so close to me, was enough to send my heart racing in worry.

"I needed to see you again, so I spent the night getting drunk, liquid courage you know, and then I waited for you. I didn't mean to scare you, honestly. I'm sorry about that".

I nodded, accepting his apology.

"If anything, all I've come to realize is that I've missed you. I still hate you like you wouldn't believe; but I want you Kat, even if I am just somebody that you used to know".

His words were like a punch in the stomach. They knocked the wind out of me and left me breathless. My mind was reeling, not quite able to process what he said. He watched me expectantly, obviously waiting for some kind of response. What did he expect me to say? I want you too? I don't think so.

I was saved from answering when I felt the door handle turn behind me. I nearly flew around James and away from the door as it opened, revealing Lars, Jason and Kirk.

Lars and Jason looked from James to me. I wondered what kind of judgements each of them were making about walking into an empty room with just James and me in it. Kirk was smiling broadly at everyone, seemingly oblivious to the tension.

"Hey guys!" Kirk beamed happily.
Edited by Voxx, February 29, 2012, 8:33 pm.
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Luvville
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Bad Seed
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Noooooo not long enough :(
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CarpeDiemBaby
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// Sunglasses indoors.
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First of all, I was scared when Kat said that James bit her, but then I smiled reliefed when it was just a dream..or better say "nightmare".
I have no words to describe how I feel now, I mean in a good way, your descriptions always make me feel like I'm so into the story, sometimes I think or I feel what Kat feels to the point to have some tears in my eyes, this time when I read the part where James told her that he hated her.... :(

I LOVE your fic! :heart:

Keep writing please! :horns: :wavey
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Some_Kind_Of_Monster
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☠ (R.I.P) † Return Is Possible †
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Team James reports :cool :horns2

I can't enough no matter how long your updates are so :P Write and write woman, we all need it.

The dream part was interesting, interpretation of his emotions and feeling to hear seemed so sipmle and obvious, yet she was wrong. Maybe some love will show later? :rolleyes: It would be nice :P

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Bad Seed
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I'm so addicted to this story. Everyday I come back hoping that there's more. Highlight of my whole day
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Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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I understand how he feels, after all and as I have said many times she never commited to him, and his words showed he realized that too. Now let's see how she deals facing the truth on his side. Still that doesn't excuse what he has done, but also I think that Kat took that as an excuse to leave him too.
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

On one hand, I don't see why would Jason want to take her backstage where she could see James again. It's calling for trouble, really. If I were him, I would want her kilometers from James and Metallica, as if their situation wasn't already complicated. On the other hand, I loved their exchange, to finally hear James' piece, loved his honesty.I think was liberating for him too, though I also don't know what he is expecting either, it's not wise to linger in there.
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tuesday's gone
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Poor Twisted Me
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Well, this should be interesting.
The ball is in Katerina's field now. I wonder what she'll do with it.

I don't think the weight of James' confession sank in just yet. I also don't think that she managed to shrug off the "unrelenting blanket" of his overwhelming presence just yet.

Plus, I don't really understand why she decided to postpone telling Jason what she decided. Did she (sub)consciously wait for the encounter with James first? And now that he completely took her by surprise by putting his cards on the table, will she have the courage and strength do decide?

Very nice use of the dream. It is quite symbolic given the circumstances. He's feeding of her (fallen lamb...) yet, she's unable to keep away from him.

It will be very very interesting to see what happens next!
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Thank you ladies for each and everyone of your comments. I'm just posting to let you all know that I am actually currently writing the last four (or so, we'll see how it works out) chapters of this fic. I most likely won't post the next chapter until I'm completely done all the writing. As it stands now, I'm done the next chapter and the very last chapter. I just need to write the middle bit.

Why have I decided to end it now? The truth is, I feel like I've lost touch with my characters. I thought about taking a break with this fic, but then I was afraid I would never come back and finish it. So, I'm doing my best to wrap it up now. I hope that you are all satisfied with how I've chosen to end it (though I suspect a few of you may not be! :P ) but I thought long and hard about it and it feels fitting, in a strange way.

So, hopefully I"ll be posting soon!

To those of you wondering if things are completely sorted out between Kat and James...hell no!! :) And she will finally address her feelings towards Jason.

Thanks again everyone. I truly appreciate all the lovely comments that you have all left me. :heart: :heart:
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Metalicious
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Blackened
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Ohhhh...James. Oh dear. Oh my. What a delicious quandry. Jason or James? That was a hell of a confession, Hetfield. I have no idea what she should do. Like, none. Hate mixed with love/lust is pretty powerful stuff. And who doesn't love a bad boy? I think I'd be tempted by James, if I were Kat. But Jason, that pairing has the potential for something real, and a lot less harmful. In theory, anyway. :biggrin Very much looking forward to more!
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Hello ladies! I'm posting this right before I have to dash off to lecture, so I apologize if I've missed any grammatical errors etc.

The rest of this fic is pretty much written, it just requires some careful editing. So I'll be posting the rest relatively soon. This section I think it the shortest of all the updates; except of course the very last one.

Thanks once more for all the lovely comments! I hope I'll be able to respond more in depth next time lol!

I hope you all enjoy! :)



Chapter 30

I saw James and Lars exchange a look, a look that carried behind it weight as they exchanged words in complete silence. Jason caught it too, I could tell by the way his hands clenched into fists as he formed some kind of opinion on what the exchange meant. The smile on Kirk’s face slowly melted away as no one spoke or mirrored his own light-hearted mood. We were all standing frozen in place, staring at each other, and waiting for someone to break the uncomfortable silence.

It Lars, obviously with some kind of idea of what James and I had been talking about, that finally spoke.

"Did you have a nice chat? You know, sort your shit out finally?".

His question and his gaze were directed at me, his question almost rhetorical and his tone sharp; probably because I had promised him that I would stay out of their way, out of James' way. But here I was, found in a room all alone with him.

"Lars".

James said is name, his tone low with warning to mind his own business.

"It's just a question" Lars replied simply, sweetly almost.

"Shut the fuck up Lars! It's none of your business" Jason exploded, snarling at him while shooting him a look that could kill.

Lars turned to Jason, throwing him the same glare that Jason had just given him.

"I don't really think this," he made a sweeping gesture around the room that included James and me, "is any of your business either".

Jason turned to face Lars so they were squared off with each other, face to face. He glared down at the smaller man and Lars glowered back up at him.

"If you really knew what you were poking your snobby Danish nose into, I don't think you would be so quick to be making snide remarks at Kat" he warned Lars.

I gulped and felt the overwhelming need to bang my head off of the wall in frustration. This was not heading in a direction that would have a happy result. Lars opened his mouth angrily to respond, but I took a few steps forward so that I was standing behind Jason and then clasped his hand, turning his body with a tug so that he wasn’t squared off with Lars anymore. He resisted at first, but then eventually relented, allowing me to turn him away.

"I'm going to go" I murmured quietly to him. "I said what I needed to say to James and he said what he needed to say to me. It's over with okay? There's no need to get upset".

I let go of his hand and made to move past him and exit the room. But I stopped when Jason addressed James, so everyone could here.
"What did you say to her?" he said carefully, trying to control the anger in his voice.

"Fuck you Newsted. You don't need to know. It's time you realized that what is going on between Katerina and I really has nothing to do with you" James snarled at him, dismissing his question with a glower. He turned his back to Jason and stalked across the room to where his wardrobe case was.

To my utter shock and disbelief Jason crossed the distance between him and James in a matter of second and shoved him hard, sending James reeling backwards. His backwards projection was only stopped when his back slammed into the wall with a loud thud. James' face became shrouded with anger as he calmly collected himself. He then shot forward without warning, like a slingshot, and punched Jason square in the jaw in retaliation.

Jason stumbled backwards, clearly dazed from the impact. He bent over and globs blood and saliva dribbled out of his open mouth as he tried to clear his head.

I gasped, my hands flying up to cover my opened mouth in shock. I made a move to rush over to see if he was okay, but I felt an iron grip clamp down harshly on my arm. I turned to see that it was Lars. He was glaring at me, but he shook his head to indicate that these two needed to get this, whatever it was, out of their systems.

I watched as James stalked over to where Jason was trying to recover. He was still bent over and his eyes still looked like they were swimming, unable to focus on James in front of him. James grabbed the back of Jason's shirt and yanked his torso upwards violently. His grip then moved to the collar of Jason's shirt. He looked like he was about to say something nasty and cruel but it was then, without warning that Jason launched his himself into James, tackling him like an American linebacker, arms in a vicelike grip around James' waist. They landed with a crash on the hard cement floor, Jason on top and James on the bottom, the air clearly knocked from his lungs from the impact. Jason cocked his fist back and landed a punch squarely to James' nose.

The blood began to flow freely from his nose and James' head ricocheted back and with a sickening crack hit the cement floor. Jason landed another punch, this time to James' jaw before James was able to recover his senses enough to raise his arms in defense. He grabbed a hold of Jason's t-shirt and shoved him back hard. Jason landed to the side, blood still flowing freely from his mouth, some of which had splashed onto James' shirt.

The two of them ended up grappling on the floor, each of them clawing, punching and shoving the other in an attempt to seriously hurt them. They were shouting and cursing as the fought. Kirk was standing to the side staring at them with wide eyes. He kept looking to Lars and I and then back to James and Jason as they continued to seriously beat the shit out of each other.

Lars kept his grip on my arm as we watched them, me with growing alarm. Every time I made a move to go to them in an attempt to break them up, Lars pulled me back hard. I felt tears welling in the back of my eyes as I watched two people that I cared about, one that I even loved, hurt each other over me. My guilt was all-consuming and reduced me to a crying, hysterical little girl.

"Lars, you can't just stand there! They're going to hurt each other" I implored him desperately my eyes riveted on the scene unfolding in front of me. With my free hand, I swiped at the salty rivers that were falling down my cheeks.

He shook his head at me.

"This has been a long time coming. They need this" he said to me coldly before continuing. "You did this, you know. I hope you feel guilty. Whatever you and James talked about though, I just hope you two sorted your bullshit out because I'm sick and tired of it affecting my band".

I was able to rip my eyes away from James and Jason grappling on the floor long enough to give Lars a quizzical look. I wanted to ask him what he knew about why I left James, but now didn’t seem like the appropriate time.

"Lars, I never meant for any of this to happen. But can we please talk about this later? One of them is going to get seriously hurt. You do still want to be able to play tonight, right?" I asked him, knowing that the prospect of having to cancel the show would be enough to spur him into action.

Sure enough, I was right. He let go of my arm, and with a nod at Kirk, the two of them began to separate the enraged men. It took some time as the James and Jason were so intent on tearing each other apart and Kirk and Lars both suffered a stray blow here and there, but eventually they were able to get them separated. The both of them were bleeding profusely from their mouths and noses. Blood was spattered all over their shirts and was pooling delicately on the floor, though much of the blood on the floor had been smeared by their boots in the struggle.

I quickly grabbed Jason’s sweater that was still lying on the couch where I had left it, and for lack of something better, I balled it up and gently began to wipe the blood from Jason’s face. He was pinching the bridge of his nose, trying to stem the flow of blood from it.

Lars walked over to where we were on the opposite side of the room from James. He tapped Jason on the shoulder, who turned to look at him, and then he punched Jason with a nauseating thud squarely in the nose. Jason double over in pain and clutched his nose even more firmly letting loose a spine curling scream of pain.

"What the fuck was that for Lars?" I yelled at him, anger scorching my eyes. I glared at him, allowing him to feel the full heat of my gaze, but he stared back at me complacently.

"That was for all the bull-shit, prissy fucking waste of time drama that has gone on since we let him join this band. Trust me, if you weren't a lady, I'd punch you in the face too" he said pointedly. "Jesus fucking Christ" he mumbled under his breath more to himself than to anyone in the room.

I stared at Lars in disbelief, but his anger was so genuine that I didn't dare say anything to him about it. I then turned my attention back to Jason. "Let me look at it" I demanded.

He took his hand away and I held his face in my hands as I looked at his nose. It was still straight.

"Well I don't think it’s broken" I told him, my tone terse. "But what the fuck was that?" I demanded angrily, referring to his fist fight with James.

Jason shot me a glare, but it was James who answered behind me.

"He's so fucking obsessed with you he can't stand the thought that you might have actually forgiven me for what happened" he snarled as he wiped his own face from blood with a towel. "That's it, isn't it Jase?" he taunted Jason.

Jason lunged at James again but Kirk and I were able to grab onto him while Lars held James back. James was laughing and he spat the blood in his mouth onto the floor.

"Fuck you!" Jason spat at him angrily. He let go of the bridge of his nose and the blood began to stream out of it freely, pouring down his face and dripping down onto his shirt and the floor. "Why don't you tell Kirk and Lars the real reason behind all the shit that's been going on? It has nothing to do with me and Kat and my relationship with her. Why don't you tell them what you did to her?" he provoked James.

"Shut the fuck up" James warned him, shoving Lars off of him as he prepared to charge Jason again. "You don't even really know what happened. So don't you dare even talk about it".

Lars and Kirk both looked at me, expecting some kind of explanation. I knew then that James hadn't told Lars exactly why him and had not worked out and the exact cause of the animosity between James and Jason. I remained silent on the matter. The truth was, it really was no one's business but James' and mine. Instead, I attempted to ease the tension.

"Guys, let's just take this down a notch. There's no need to shout and get violent. This is ridiculous!". I turned to James, placing myself between him and Jason. I reached for his hand and took it in mine a little nervously. It was the first time I had touched him since that night two years ago. His hands were slick with blood and the skin on his knuckles had been torn away, but they were warm, calloused and strong, like I remembered.

"Look, about what you said. I get it okay. I understand why you feel like that, I do. But I can only apologize once for my part in the way things played out, and I already have. I can only hope that you can accept it and move on from this because what happened doesn't have to affect and colour who you are now and the relationships you forge now. What happened doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person who made a terrible mistake, that I allowed you to make".

James lowered his head. I felt his hands tremble in my own as he tried to control his emotions.

"I wish none of this had ever happened. I wish I could go back and change it" he murmured low enough so that only I could hear.

"So do all that are changed by terrible things. But it is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you now" I told him kindly.

James looked up at me, his blues eye glistening with unshed tears. It broke my heart to see him thus and I gave him a small smile to let him know that we were as alright as we could be. I let go of his hands and turned my back to him to look at Jason. He was staring at me with disbelief, probably at my kind treatment of James.

"Jason" I said his name softly, the familiarity of it just rolling off my tongue, "We'll talk when you get home tonight about what we discussed earlier, okay?"

Jason listened to me, his face expressionless. When I finished, he closed his eyes and took a deep slow breath before nodding slowly. He didn't say anything, he just turned and began to strip off his bloodied shirt and change it for a clean one.

I swallowed hard and did my best to hold back my tears. My heart was breaking as I watched him turn away from me. I knew that what I would say to him later on, in the privacy of my apartment would break both of our hearts. I could only hope that I wouldn’t lose him forever.

"I'm going to go, it's just better. Have a good show" I announced to all of the boys.

I didn't wait for a response. I picked up my bag, feeling utterly embarrassed and quickly opened the door and left. I hurried down the hallway, stopping once to ask for directions to the street. When I was alone, I finally let my tears fall. At first I cried silently as I wound my way through the passages of the arena. But soon I was sobbing loudly, unable to suppress my guilt and sadness any longer. I finally found my way out to the street. I hurried to the curb and waited for a cab to drive by that I could hail.

As I was waiting I heard someone calling my name behind me. I spotted a cab approaching and waved my arm signalling it, and then glanced over my shoulder to find James jogging over towards me, still wearing his bloodied shirt.

I opened the door of the cab and swiped my tears from my face while I waited for James to approach. I took a few calming breaths in the dusk that was settling over Paris. He stopped a few feet short of me, panting a little, presumably from jogging the whole way out here. His nose at taken less of a beating that Jason’s had, but I could see that his mouth was still bleeding and he was starting to develop a bit of a black eye. His long hair was matted with blood at the ends. Whether it was his or Jason’s was impossible to tell. It was probably a combination of both.

"Thanks for waiting" he panted, "There's just still things I need to say; things that I want to talk to you about. Can I meet you after the show?" he asked me, eyes pleading with me to say yes. "Maybe at like a bar or something?".

I frowned at him and shook my head slightly.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea. Jason is still staying with me. The last thing I want is for him to find out that I'm leaving to go meet you somewhere. James, I just want this all to be over with; the drama, the animosity, the anger, everything. I need it to be over. I'm not going to drag this out and hurt him".

"I know okay. I want all that too. I just need to say a few more things. I need you to hear me out" he begged me.

I pushed my hair back from my face and sighed heavily. "Okay" I finally relented despite the fact that deep down, I knew that this was a bad idea. I was sure that only something bad would come from this.

I began to scrounge around in my bag for a pen and a scrap piece of paper. When I found one, I wrote down my address on it and gave it to James.

"This is the address for my apartment. Come straight here when you're done playing. Jason will probably shower and drink for awhile with everyone. We can talk before he gets back".

James took the paper from me and looked at it, probably memorizing the address, before folding it and stuffing it into the front pocket of his jeans.

"Thank you" he said gratefully.

I nodded and then climbed into the cab to go home. James stood by the roadside as the cab driver pulled away from the curb, but I refused to look at him as the car drove away.

When I finally climbed the steps to my apartment and let myself in, the whirlwind of emotions that I was experiencing was threatening to overwhelm me. I needed to relax and the only way I could think of was by indulging in a hot bath. I went into the bathroom and turned the water in my large claw foot tub on hot. I plugged the tub and added some jasmine scented bath oil and let the water run. I went back into the kitchen, gave Figuro a scratch behind the ears and then grabbed a good bottle of red wine and a wine glass. I took it back with me into the bathroom and gently closed the door halfway behind me.

I undressed quickly and then slipped into the bathtub, allowing the hot water to continue to run just a little longer. When the water level was just a few inches below the edge of the tub, I shut it off. I then poured myself a full glass of wine and then sank back and let the hot water permeate into my core.

I felt like crying, but I didn't want to. It was hard to believe that I had left my apartment this morning fully committed to trying to make a life with Jason and I returned having changed my mind thinking that we couldn’t be together. If anything, it was what James had said to me and then the ensuing fight between the two of them that had changed my mind. I knew a relationship between him and I would never work while he was still in Metallica. The animosity between him and James was borderline unbearable. I was sure that it would only increase if Jason and I entered into a serious relationship. But I knew that Metallica meant everything to him. Aside from the ongoing problems between Jason and James concerning me, I knew that he loved that band more than anything almost. To ask him to give it up would ruin him. He needed Metallica. I just hoped that he would be able to see that when I finally spoke to him.

My feelings towards James though, were a little less clear. Now that I had time to process what he said uninterrupted, I had to both agree and disagree with him. I could understand the hatred he felt towards me. Hell, I felt it towards him for a time until I sought therapy to help me get over what happened. I knew that the way we had left things contributed to his hatred and self-loathing, and for that I was deeply sorry. I could only hope that he would take what I said to him to heart and be able to move on. But what I just could not agree with was the amount of blame he placed on me. I wasn’t sure if James had, or was ready; to shoulder his share of the blame for what had happened. Despite that, it was difficult for me, even now, to think about what had happened as rape because of the verbal consent I had given him, even if deep down, I really hadn't wanted to in that moment. It was a deeply confusing situation and I was concerned about what he wanted to speak to me about later on this evening.

I sighed and took a large gulp of wine before sinking lower into the water. I needed to stop thinking the two of them. What was done was done and I couldn't change it. After tonight I would probably never see or speak to James again and I couldn't even be sure that Jason wouldn't do the same. However, my mind couldn't stop going back to Jason and the idea of losing his friendship. Despite the way we felt about each other, I would still rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

I soaked in the bath for what felt like a few hours, going over and over in my head the events of today. When my skin was wrinkled and water logged and I had drunk three glasses of wine, I finally stepped out of the bath. My head was spinning a little bit as I dried off and slipped into some lingerie, a long t-shirt of Jason's and sweat pants. My hair, which I had refrained from getting wet by pulling it back into a long pony tail, I let out. I then curled up on my bed with a book and waited for James' knock.
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Some_Kind_Of_Monster
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☠ (R.I.P) † Return Is Possible †
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He will knock not only to the doot :lol: sorry :blush:
I really like the fight part :)
I hope Jason won't kick James' ass when he returnes and see him with Kat :rolleyes:

Lobe it :heart:
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