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Somebody That I Used To Know; Het, James fic, drama/romance
Topic Started: December 16, 2011, 2:04 am (14,469 Views)
Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
[ * ]
Hello once again!

So here is the next chapter. Thanks to those who commented. I was unsure of how the previous chapter would be received. I hope no one was offended O.o

This next section I decided would have no dialogue. I just felt like it was more appropriate this way. It's also a little shorter. I think I've been killing you all with really long chapters. :P

Enjoy!



Chapter 20

I was awoken in the morning by my alarm going off, screaming at me to get up for work. I laid stationary for a few seconds, listening to the alarm blaring away at me. Then I vaulted forward to quickly shut it off, the noise was jarring and it made my head spin after a long sleepless night. I fumbled with the buttons on my alarm clock, unable to find the right one. I frantically lifted my head and tried to focus on where I was putting my fingers, but my vision swirled in front of my eyes, my head pounding and all I could see was a formless mass of flesh in front of my eyes.. I finally just reached down and unplugged the clock from the outlet, casting the cord onto the ground carelessly.

I sighed in relief when the beeping stopped and melted back into my pillow. I screwed my eyes shut, trying to fight the pain in my head, but it persisted, a tangible reminder of last night. I had lain awake and quietly cried for most of the night while James snored away behind me, oblivious, happy and satisfied. I don't know how I was able to lay there next to him all night, his arms curled around me; his face snuggled in between my shoulders. My head hurt from crying and I had a dull ache behind my eyes. They felt swollen and the light streaming through my blinds irritated them, even though they were shut. I was sure that my tears at left streaks down my face, almost like salt stains, giving away my sleepless night if anyone were to see me.

James grunted in his sleep and snuggled closer to his pillow. My eyes wandered to his prone form lying in bed. He looked the same as he had last night, pants still down and open, hair tangled, face serene, none the wiser to the events of last night. He looked peaceful.

Last night.

My stomach churned and I screwed my eyes tight again and fought back down the terror that was starting to well up inside, threatening to crash over me once more. Last night would forever be burned into my memory. It would go into the vault of things that would haunt me for the rest of my life. The vault that I kept locked down inside my core, too afraid to address and open. Despite the consent that had been given, I knew I would never forgive him.

Last night changed everything. It changed me. It changed him. It changed us.

I opened my eyes again as the pounding in my head began to mercifully subside and raised them to observe James once more. My mind wandered into a dark place. It was would be so easy hurt him right now. Just to lean over and smother him. To exact my revenge.

Just do it my mind was screaming at me. My hand reached for the pillow next to me.

No. Not my hand.

A hand.

You've done it before. You know just how long it will take. It's easy. It's quick. It will be over become you know it.

And then it will all be over.

Fingers tightened on the fabric of the pillow to pick it up. They clutched without thinking, like they were going through the motions of muscle memory; like it was the most natural thing they had done.

No hesitation.

The hands acted almost of their own volition.

I was having an out of body experience. I was watching from the sidelines, a spectator to what was happening. An accessory to the crime.

Eyes focused on the sleeping figure.

Not James.

Just somebody that I used to know.

The pillow hovered over his face; his unsuspecting face. The face that looked down, had seen the terror, seen the fear, had seen everything.

He.

Just.

Didn't.

Care.

He just didn't care. The words rattled around and anger swelled up around me like molten lava, burning everything it touched. It burned away my rationality, my compassion and my understanding. It gave me a justification. My breathing was coming rapidly now. It still wasn't me holding the pillow. It wasn't me creeping closer; ever closer. Silently. Stealthily. The way a cat hunts a mouse. Nothing more than a game.

He grunted again in his sleep.

"Kat" his lips formed the name, breathing it out in a long sigh, barely a whisper.

It snapped me out of my trance; my name on his lips. My body jolted and I dropped the pillow, like it was on fire, like it had burned me. My hand shot to my mouth and I covered it to suppress the cry of horror that was caught at the back of my throat. I slowly backed away from James, shaking and disgusted by what I had been contemplating; on the very verge of doing.

I slipped out of bed and quietly made my way into the bathroom, feeling nauseous. I closed the door and locked it. I looked at myself in the mirror for less than a second and then I puked in the sink. My body shook and convulsed, purging itself of the evil within me. As much as I hated James for what he had done to me last night, I hated myself even more at this very moment for almost doing what I did. When my stomach stopped contracting, I wiped my mouth and raised my eyes back up to the mirror.

My green eyes were red, swollen, unrecognizable. My skin was caked in fine trails of salty tears that had poured uselessly from my eyes all night. My hair was tangled. But underneath it all, I could still see that part of me that had just shown itself; the part of me that I had summoned that night with Marc. I could see the hate burning in my eyes. I could see the demon staring back at me; biding its time until I called it forth again. This was part of me that no one knew. It was the part of me that was strong, detached and ruthless.

A killer.

I turned the sink on and put it on the coldest setting it could go. I gripped the sink hard until my knuckles were white, not daring to look up at my reflection. I revelled at the feel of the cold porcelain under my fingers as it cooled my storm of emotions. I counted to ten and then I started to splash the frigid water on my face; letting it wash away the hate, the pain, the terror. I had to let it go. If I wanted to be me, I had to let it go. I watched the water swirl down the drain and tried to imagine it instead as the parts of me I didn't want. Like a cancer that was being removed from my body. I took deep breaths and pushed everything I was feeling deep down, into my core. I locked it away into the vault and shut it quickly; afraid of what might escape if it was open too long. I focused on my breathing and being calm. I didn't think about anything. My mind was blank.

I don't know how long I stood there watching the water run down the drain; or how long I made a conscious effort to think of nothing and keep my mind from racing. But I stood there until I could finally raise my eyes to look at myself. I looked at myself and started to count to ten again.

One. I stared at myself while I counted, scrutinizing, looking for any sign of that part of me I hated.

Two. If I could make it to ten I would be okay.

Three. My green eyes stared back at me, cold and unrelenting.

Four. There was a flicker of something. Something I didn't trust.

Five. Keep your mind blank

Six.

Seven.

Eight. You're almost there.

Nine. The switch inside of me flipped.

Ten.

I searched deep. I narrowed my eyes, looking for the demon. But all I could see was me; plain old me staring back at myself.

I dropped my eyes to marvel at the bruises that had come to fruition on my wrists through the night. The juxtaposition of the dark, purple-red against my snowy white skin was both sickening and cruelly beautiful. The play of the colours was unlike anything I had ever seen before. I looked at the near perfect outlines of his fingers and hand burned into my skin, like he had dipped his hands in paint and touched me, and I felt nothing. I looked in the mirror and cocked my head to the side.

I felt nothing.

I had locked it away, the same way I had done with Marc at first. Until I met Jason.

It was just easier this way.

I stripped off the t-shirt I was wearing and slipped out of my panties.

I saw the dried semen that had dribbled out of my body during the night.

I felt nothing.

I stepped into the shower and turned the water onto the hottest setting. The steam quickly filled the bathroom. I rested both my hands against the shower wall and leaned into the hot spray. I opened my mouth and swished some of the water that fell in and then spit it out. I relished in the heat and breathed in the steam, filling my lungs, making it difficult to breathe. I enjoyed the sensation. I grabbed a bar of soap and I washed James off of me, both physically and metaphorically. His dirt came off me and swirled down into the drain to join the rest of me that I had already disposed of.

I stayed in the shower until I could no longer breathe and then I shut it off and stepped out. I felt better. Clean again. I dried myself off and then wrapped a towel around me. I opened the door and stole into Jason's room. He wasn't in there. I saw what I was looking for though; his clean laundry was folded in a hamper at the end of his bed. I picked a clean t-shirt and a pair of boxers out of it and slipped them on quickly. I used the towel that that had been wrapped around me to towel dry my hair and then I dropped it into another basket he had of dirty laundry.

I made my way into the kitchen and finger combed my hair. I saw a piece of paper on the counter and picked it up.

Kat

I'm meeting Judy for breakfast. I'll be home around noon. Call me if you need anything.

J


I read the note twice and then put it back on counter. I knew he was being purposely vague in case James had gotten up before me and saw it first. But I knew that he was referring to last night. I would see Jason later on today because I wasn't going to work. Not today. Not with the bruises so visible and too low on my wrists to cover. I called the office and left a message with the receptionist to let her know I was sick and would be unable to come into the office.

I put the phone back on the hook, unsure of what to do next. Figuro, my kitten hopped down from the couch in the den and come trotting over to me. He meowed hungrily so I poured some food and refreshed his water bowl. I stood in the kitchen, looking around. I thought about going out, but ultimately decided that I would rather stay at home.

My mind travelled to James. The only thought I had about him was I didn't want to see him. Not now. Maybe not ever. I stood in the kitchen, chewing my lips and contemplating my options.

Act like nothing happened. That was the best thing to do.

I put the coffee pot on and set a mug on the kitchen table, along with a spoon and the sugar bowl. James didn't take milk in his coffee, so I didn't leave the milk out. Not to mention it might spoil if I left it out. I filled a glass with cold water and set it beside the mug, along with two Aspirin. I knew after a heavy night of drinking he would have a bad hangover and the Aspirin would help. I poured him a bowl of cereal and set it down on the table, along with another spoon. I even set the newspaper next the bowl in case he wanted to read it.

I did all this mindlessly, feeling nothing.

I looked up the what I had set up and I was pleased.

I flipped the note over that Jason had written me and I wrote my own.

James

Gone to work.
There is coffee in the pot that is being warmed on the burner. Take the Aspirin and make sure you eat. Milk is in the fridge.

K


I set the pen down, satisfied with what I had both written and set up for James. I put the note on top of the newspaper.

I then picked up my kitten, who was still munching away on his breakfast and brought him into Jason's room with me. I softly closed the door behind me and crawled into Jason's bed. I pulled the covers up and snuggled down with Figuro. I stroked his back and closed my eyes.

He would be gone in a few hours.
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Some_Kind_Of_Monster
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Shit :o

My kind of girl :biggrin
Love this chapter :heart:

Woman!! MOAR!!! :horns2
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Nah Bruno
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Poor Twisted Me
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OMG! One of the best chapters I have ever read! Awesome! I love the intensity of emotions, the way you describe her feelings, everything! No words, really :o :o :o

This two chapters mean a lot to me, in a certain way :tu: :)
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Holy Molly! This was just awesome! OMG! I wonder what will happen when she finally faces him.

Quote:
 
Last night changed everything. It changed me. It changed him. It changed us.


I loved this. :heart:
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tuesday's gone
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Poor Twisted Me
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Now THAT is what I've been secretly hoping for - a strong female character! I was a bit afraid she might turn into one of those "oh, it's James, so I'll take whatever shit he puts me through" kind of girls. So, I'm thrilled that you chose another path for her which brought us to this amazing last chapter that is by far the best in this story (for the time being at least :) )

I absolutely loved what you did to all of them in the last two parts, how you handled the drunken clone of James (especially how intoxication is reflected in his eyes - perfect), her semi-involuntary reaction during sex, everything she does in the bathroom the next morning, the purging process - very deep, very well written.

What I would praise the most is seemingly superficial communication between her and Jason, with so much mutual understanding going underneath the surface.

I like the turn the plot here has taken. Eagerly waiting for more!
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Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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I loved how you dealed with all the emotions. Absolutely fantastic, really. Now, even more, I root for Jason, because James is a very troubled guy, and I don't know, there's something in them that doesn't click. She's not fully delivered to him, I think they're not one, if you know what I mean. They are very different, her way is more similar to Jason than any other man, and he cares about her:)
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Hey ladies!

Thanks so much for the amazing comments. It's definitely giving me the much needed encouragement to write the next section. I already know what is going to happen, but getting it down is a little difficult. I feel mentally exhausted after the last two chapters. :blink:

I hope I can get it up for you ladies soon.

@SKOM Thank you so much for the comment. And! For leaving lovely comments every update!! It's so encouraging when you know that people are actually reading your story. :D

@Nah Bruno Your comment really made me smile! It was much appreciated and I'm glad that it was able to touch you on a deeper level and that you were able to take something away from it! :heart:

@Alma Thank you! :heart: And as for their first encounter afterwards, I think it might surprise you (and everyone else)! Stay tuned :)

@ Tuesday's Gone Thank you so much for always leaving thoughtful and detailed comments. Writing a scene that is borderline rape could have been done in poor taste, so I was really trying to avoid that and provide as sense of ambiguity on what actually happened (in that Kat both wanted to and didn't want to have sex with James). I think it adds a complexity to the story and their relationship and leaves it open to go in so many different directions. I've also decided to leave it up to each individual reader to decide for themselves about whether or not he actually raped her - for now that is! But once again, I really appreciate the feedback that you give me!

@ Scorpion Flower Thank you for the comment!! You're right that Kat hasn't fully committed to James. I think it will be interesting to see whether or not she continues to try and make her relationship work with him, whether or not she tells Jason about what happened and how James and Jason will interact now, given the fact that she desperately doesn't want to be the one to cause a rift in the band. We shall see :)
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Alrighty,

So I initially started to write this next section completely different. I wasn't going to have this exchange between the Kat and Jason. But I figured that would be unrealistic. It would happen. So here it is...short and sweet. The next chapter will pick up from where I had initially started to write from and deals with the situation between Kat and James.

Enjoy



Chapter 21

When Jason came home I was fast asleep, finally able to close my eyes without replaying the night over and over in my mind. Before I fell asleep, I felt more at peace and more myself than I had in a long time. It was as if the process of washing James out of me had washed away other pathologies from my system. And while I felt nothing about last night, I also felt more like me.

When Jason came into his room he gently called my name, but refrained from touching me.

"Kat" he called to me coaxingly. I was so tired, I wanted to ignore whoever it was and melt back away into my dreamless sleep.

"Kat" he softly beckoned again.

I slowly came to, recognizing his voice. I sat up as I opened my eyes, unable to stifle a yawn at the same time. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and shivered as the cool air came in contact with my skin. I slumped down a little, back into the warmth of the bed and then pulled the blanket more firmly around myself. I quietly took in Jason sitting on the end of his bed looking at me.

"Hey" I said softly, a small smile playing on my lips at the sight of him. The afternoon light was spilling in through the window behind him, washing him in soft light. His long curls cascaded down his shoulders beautifully and his blue eyes seemed to twinkle in the light. He was a vision of a renaissance lord; absolutely stunning. It the light he glowed; almost like an angel might.

"You're not at work" he observed as he stared, his blue eyes carefully watching me.

I shook my head as an answer and pulled the blanket tighter up to my chin as I felt his gaze appraising me. We stared at each other in a comfortable, yet loaded silence. I waited for him to ask the question that was on the tip of his tongue, though I would rather he didn't ask, and he waited for me to offer an explanation.

At long length Jason finally spoke again, "James is gone. I saw the note you left him". He said it warily while he watched intently for some kind of reaction to James' name.

This time I nodded my head in response.

"Okay" I said indifferently to his words. I pushed my hair back from my face over my shoulder and tucked a few loose strands behind my ear.
Jason's lips were a thin line as we sat facing each other on his bed. The question still hung between us like a concrete barrier that I didn't want to go around and Jason just didn't know how to. It was tangible and real. It thickened the air and made our usually easy relationship difficult and complicated. His blue eyes silently begged me to make the first move.

I took pity of him and inwardly sighed. I felt nothing over last night, but I knew that it was all Jason could think about at the moment. "Jason" I said at length, as I slid forward to sit in front of him crossed legged, blanket still wrapped tightly around me. He nodded, acknowledging that he had heard me."Hold out your hands" I instructed to him in a hushed tone.

He unfolded his hands from his lap and mirrored my position. He sat before me cross legged and held out his hands so that they were resting on top of his knees, palms facing up. He continued to steadily regard me, waiting as patiently as he could for what my next move might be. I blinked slowly a few times, struggling within, as I contemplated how best to do this, mindful of Dahlia and Lars' words about keeping the peace between Jason and James.

I took a deep breath to clear my head and stay calm. The idea of reaching out and touching Jason made my stomach churn with nausea. In fact, the idea of letting anyone touch me was not a thought I was quite ready to entertain. As I struggled within and mentally steeled myself, building a thick metaphysical armour, Jason maintained his patience admirably, though his body was fraught with tension. Finally when I was ready, I let the blanket fall off of my shoulder and I held out my arms to Jason. I rested my hands, palms up, in his fighting to stay calm as we touched. His hands gently cupped mine. Almost immediately his eyes were riveted on my wrists and the perfect impressions of James' hands on them. The red welts he had seen last night had blossomed into the extraordinary colours they were now. His mouth gaped open as he carefully observed my shame. I watched his face and saw him pass from shock, to concern, to fury in the span of about five seconds. I felt his hands shaking underneath mine as he fought to control his emotions.

He raised his eyes to mine and they shone with tears not fallen that served as a shield from the rage that was brewing just behind. He closed his eyes and his jaw set firmly. I looked at him, blankly, still feeling nothing.

Jason took a deep, calming breath as he attempted composed himself. He cracked the armour I had erected around myself when I saw a tear trickle quickly down off of his cheek. It landed on my palm and it burned me. I fought to not flinch away.

"Are you okay?" he whispered to me, his voicing cracking. He immediately set his jaw again when he got the words out and gave my hands, still resting in his palms a gentle reassuring squeeze.

I opened my mouth, without hesitation to yes, but I shut it just as quickly before I did. The concern and the anguish painted all over Jason's face stopped me. I owed his some semblance of an explanation. Here was a man that I knew loved me and I knew if I asked him to, he would confront James. I owed him.

I set my face into a neutral expression. "Not really" I said, a partial truth only because I was afraid that the evil part of me might manifest because I didn't lock it down far enough, "But I will be" I continued with a genuine truth. Jason nodded his head at my response. He closed his hands around mine and gripped them firmly.

"I'll kill him" he whispered, his voice a low snarl full of malice and his blue eyes wide.

"Don't" I answered him immediately, my voice carefully neutral and my face a mask.

Jason looked at me incredulously and his eyes flashed with anger. I felt it travel down through his body and pass into me, where he still gripped my hands. I flinched and pulled away involuntarily, though the cessation of contact calmed me immeasurably.

"What happened last night?" he finally asked me.

"Jason..." I said his name softly, almost sadly. I allowed myself to change my mask from neutral to one of sadness and pity. Pity because he needed to ask the question, because I knew that on some level just like I knew last night, he already knew.

"What happened last night?" he repeated the question more forcefully this time, his eyes pinning me down with their intensity.

"Jason" I said his name again and I looked at him, willing him to just say it out loud for himself.

"Kat! Tell me!" he screamed at me now, his anger manifesting in his tone as he was unable to control his emotions any longer. He reached for my hands again. My first thought was to pull away, but I steadied myself and let him grab a hold because he needed the contact. He pulled them up to his lips and rested his lips against his own trembling hands, mine safely cocooned inside his.

"Jason, you already know" I replied, my voice as soft as a wisp of silk and full of pity for him as I watched him try to deny what he knew, and then come to terms with it.

He choked, held his breath and then let out an involuntary sob. He closed eyes and let go of my hands to hide his face in them. His body shook violently as he continued to weep. I watched him piteously; unsure of what I should say or do to help him. I hesitantly put my hand on his leg, trying to reassure him that everything was okay.

After awhile his sobs lessened and his body ceased to shake. He lowered his hands from his face, but not before wiping his tears, and let out a deep breath that rattled with nerves as he tried to calm himself. He raised his swollen eyes to my own.

"How can you be so calm? How can you act like you don't care" he questioned me, unable to understand.

I looked back at him blankly. "I care. I just don't feel anything Jason" I told him truthfully. He looked back at me sadly, brows furrowed. I lowered my eyes from his intense gaze.

"I'm going to kill him" he repeated, the anger still present, but he said it more calmly and more sure of himself.

I continued to look down at the bed and I smoothed away imaginary wrinkles in the duvet. "I don't want you to get involved" I answered him truthfully. I heard him scoff and he started to say something, but I interrupted him, talking over him until he listened. "If you love me, like you say you do, you won't get involved. This has nothing to do with you". I said this very quietly, but firmly so he would know that I meant it. I silently hated myself for using a manipulation like that. But I knew it would get through to him. I raised my eyes to look back up at him and he was staring at me incredulously.

"You can't be serious. This has everything to do with me! You're the person I'm closest to in my life and I'm supposed to be there to protect you. He violated you while i was on the other side of the wall!" he nearly shouted, his voice low and threatening. His eyes started to burn again, a fiery anger that was on the verge of boiling over.

I didn't reply to what he said. I just gave him a look full of meaning; a look that basically meant don't push me and back the fuck off. He seemed to shirk back a bit from it and the fire in his eyes seemed to cool ever so slightly. He bit his lip and ran his fingers through his hair.

"What happened to you?" he whispered.

I knew what he meant. I knew he wanted to know how I became so ambivalent, uncaring and cold about what happened. I didn't give the answer he was looking for. I just replied quite simply with, "It just doesn't hurt me".

He shook his head. "I don't understand" he answered, the confusion clearly present on his face. "Last night, you were clearly upset and now you're like a zombie Kat". He paused, clearly considering something. "How could you go back and sleep beside him all night" he said, almost accusing me.

I sighed knowing I would be unable to explain it to him. "I don't know what to tell you Jason".

“Can you please try at least?” he said to me exasperated. "Because I'm just trying to understand why you are being like this. don't you think that if Marc were alive, he would be asking the same questions. I can't believe that you just don't care".

His comment about Marc struck me like a slap in the face. I tried not to show it, I tried to keep my mask on, but it hurt. I chose to ignore it and instead was silent as I searched for the right words. "Last night I slept next to him because I wasn't entirely sure about what had happened and he is my boyfriend and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I truly did..." I trailed off, the word boyfriend tasting foul in my mouth, "This morning, I woke up and I just cleansed myself of him. Now, I don't feel anything. I'm not angry or sad or anything. There's just nothing there". It was all I could offer him. There was no way I could tell him about how I had contemplated smothering James, how I had battled internally to banish that dark side of me that I was so desperate that no one ever know. I couldn't tell him how long I had stayed in the washroom, how I had enjoyed the feeling of almost suffocating from the steam, how I had thrown up and scrubbed my skin of James. That little bit was all I could give him. Jason eyed me, still not understanding.

With that small explanation I shrugged Jason’s blanket off me completely and swung my legs off of the bed. I stood up and walked past Jason, heading towards the door.

He gently reached out and caught my arm, barely touching me. I had to make a conscious effort to not tear my arm away and scream.

"How am I supposed to look at him? How am I supposed to make music with him?" he asked me, searching my face almost frantically for the answer.

With my free hand I gently pried his fingers off of me. "I don't know Jason. But I know you'll find a way. Metallica is your dream. This doesn't change anything for you". He continued to stare up at me like a little, lost child. His eyes were still swollen from crying.

"I can't. I hate him" Jason whispered to me.

I continued to walk out of his room but I paused in the doorway. I turned slightly to look at him still sitting on his bed, watching me. "I know you think you hate him Jason, but just remember that I will always hate him more. You will get over this".

I calmly walked out of his room and gently shut the door behind me, happy to be done with that conversation.
Edited by Voxx, January 17, 2012, 10:28 pm.
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Fuuuuuck! I just can't picture Jason staying calm at all about this...

You're great, girl! :D

Moarrrrrrrr!
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Nah Bruno
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Poor Twisted Me
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I need more!! I just NEED! I loved this chapter. Just can't wait until Kat and James confront. :o
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Some_Kind_Of_Monster
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Good chapter. James is an ass, Jason should tell him what he feels about this :angry

Waits fo moar :biggrin
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tuesday's gone
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Poor Twisted Me
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Hm, I really don't know what to say until I see how this thing progresses, especially what she does with James. But I guess general confusion is expected after the incident the night before.

Right now, I'm pretty ambivalent about it, I'm not too happy about how she handled this conversation. She apparently wanted to settle things but she did not really, she left Jason in doubt about her feelings and attitude towards James, but she did not hesitate to shift the responsibility on Jason to somehow "find the way" to stay in the band and deal with James and basically blackmailed him to do it by playing the "do it for me" card. Gah. I want to like her, I do... So I'll wait to see what happens.

Loved the description of Jason in the light. Loved their touches and details about hands and eyes reflecting emotions. Very nicely handled!
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Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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I can't see a way where Jason is going to stay calm in this. Anyway, I hope he does and I am also curious to see how Kat is going to deal with the situation. Love the whole interaction between them, I think it's so clear the difference of feelings on the way Jason and Kat interact with each other, and in the way James and Kat interact. James was a jerk, drunk or not.


GO JASON!! :lol:
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Voxx
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Some Kind Of Monster
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It's me again! :P

This next chapter was mostly written when I decided that I should include some kind of interaction between Kat and Jason. It didn't take me that long to finish it so that's why I'm posting two days in a row :)

Once again, as usual, thank you for all the lovely comments. :heart:

I'm not sure if this next section will clear up any ambivalence that any of you are experiencing. For me, it doesn't really resolve anything, it merely settles the problem for now as I'm sure you will soon see! As for those of you who want Jason to confront James, you'll just have to wait and see...

Enjoy!




Chapter 22

The next two weeks passed relatively uneventfully. I threw myself into my work as I contemplated how I was would receive James the next time I saw him. I began to work long hours, early mornings and late nights, sometimes even electing to stay the night in the office, sleeping on the couch that I had. I ended up having to go out and buy a number of large, chunky bangles to cover the bruising on my wrists because long sleeve shirts were still unable to cover them adequately. I wore them every day.

I was rarely home and I rarely saw Jason during this time. When I did see him, the atmosphere was discomforting. I could tell he wanted to ask how I was doing, but I know that I gave off a do not ask vibe. It’s not that I wasn’t doing okay, I was. Everything was relatively normal. I just didn't want to talk about James. I didn't want to know how he was doing, what he was doing or if Jason had said anything to him. Part of me suspected that he might have, but I didn't ask. We didn't talk about Metallica. I didn't want to and I don’t think that he wanted to talk about Metallica with me either. We existed, but uncomfortably at times.

I spent a lot of this time, especially awake at night, making up conversations in my head with James. I rehearsed what I was going to say to him. Sometimes I yelled at him, others times I barely spoke at all and let him do all the talking. Sometimes we got into a huge fight and other times he apologized without me even asking him to. Regardless of how the conversations went in my head, they always managed to end up just sounding wrong.

I left James messages every now and then explaining that I would be at the office or home late and not to bother coming over. I was afraid that one night I would come home late from the office and I would find him passed out in my bed. Whenever I called his number, my heart would start to beat a million miles per hour, not really wanting to hear his voice. If he answered, which happened maybe only twice during those two weeks, I would just hang up and call back later when I knew he would be out, and leave a message. I wasn't ready to talk to him yet. Other times, if I thought he might come by my apartment, I would leave notes for him in the counter. And so, for two weeks I was able to avoid him.

The two weeks ended however, one day right before I would normally take my lunch at the office. My office phone rang and I picked it up on the first ring.

"Ms. Plushenko, you have a visitor. Shall I send them back?" Katie, the receptionist asked me through the phone.

"That would be fine, thank you Katie" I replied and then set the phone back down into its cradle. I didn't think twice about whom the visitor could possibly be, automatically assuming that it would be a client. I went back to my work. I was currently going over the art work of a campaign that we were working on for a cereal brand.

I heard a knock on my office door and then it opened and Katie showed James into my office. I looked up at first casually and then went back to my work. But when my brain registered who it was, I nearly dropped my pen in shock as I looked back up. Katie was waiting by the open door, looking at me, her face unsure. She was obviously unsure of James' long hair, beard that I noticed he was starting to grow, earrings and casual dress. I nodded at her to let her know that it was okay to leave. She gave me a weak smile and then left my office, closing the door behind her quietly.

James stood before my desk, hands shoved into his pockets as he looked down at me with a small smile, though I was unable to return it with one of my own. I took him in quickly and felt a little tug at my heart. He looked good, like he always did; still beautiful, still masculine, and still perfect. But at the same time, my stomach was filled with butterflies and my hands began to shake involuntarily. My pen began to tap in an erratic rhythm on the paper in front of me as my hands shook. When I became aware of the noise I dropped my pen quickly and hid my hands underneath my desk, balling them into fists as I tried to calm my nerves. Be strong I told myself.

"Sit down" I said to James, nodding at one of the chairs on the other side of my desk.

James nodded and carefully sat down, looking around my office at the same time. He did a cursory sweep, but his eyes soon stopped to take in the couch that was just to the right of my desk. Upon it there was a folded up blanket with sweat pants and a t-shirt on top, several pairs of shoes neatly lined beneath it and a dry cleaners bag draped over the arm of the couch.

"You’ve been sleeping here?" he asked me, though he didn't really sound surprised.

I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair as my eyes also took in the scene on the couch.

"Yeah, like I said in my messages, I've been busy with work" I said it carefully, consciously controlling the tenor of my voice, proud that my voice was steady and clear.

"So you"re not avoiding me?" he asked, his eyes coming back rest on mine now. He sounded sceptical and the question almost rhetorical. I kept the eye contact, my face neutral, not giving anything away.

"What makes you think that I would be?" I asked him and realized how childish it sounded. Of course I was avoiding him. I was naive to think that he wouldn't pick up on it sooner or later.

James leaned forward and I instinctively leaned back a bit, though he was in no danger of crowding my personal space. His eyes narrowed as he took in my involuntary reaction. He leaned forward to pick up a paper weigh on my desk. He rolled it around in his hands in silence for a few moments¸ contemplating as he studied me carefully. I matched his stare, his blue eyes thoughtful and calculating, my own green ones blank, but not entirely friendly.

A long last James sighed. "I came here today because I haven't seen or spoken to my girlfriend in two weeks, if you don't count messages, and I want to know why. I know there is something you're keeping from me and I think Jason knows because when I’ve seen him he's been cold and distant and hasn't been asking the millions of questions about us that he normally does. I want to know what it is that you told him but won't tell me. I think I deserve that" he said to me, his tone as neutral as he could make it, though I could detect a trace of anger in there.

I heard what he said, but it went in one ear and out the other. The only thing I really heard and could focus on was his use of the world girlfriend. It made me cringe. When he said that word, I knew that for me at least, it was over. I didn't feel like his girlfriend and I no longer wanted to be his girlfriend.

I chose to ignore what he said about Jason and say the only thing that I could say to him at this point. "James, I know you're looking for some kind of explanation for why I've been absent these past two weeks. But I can't give you one. All I can tell you is that I think it would be better if stopped seeing each other" I said to him as passively and impartially as I could. I forced myself to keep eye contact as I said it. I knew that he wouldn't take it well and I knew I was in a way; I was being weak for not being able to tell him the reason why I didn't want to be with him. But how do you tell someone that? How do you tell someone that supposedly cares for you that you feel violated by them and that being in their presence is like being unable to breathe? It's constricting, suffocating and unbearable.

I watched the shock creep into his eyes and his jaw slowly fall open. He stopped rolling the paper weight around in his hands. He closed his mouth, swallowed audibly and shook his head. "You're breaking up with me?" he demanded. "Why? You're right; you do owe me an explanation! You ignore me and avoid me for two weeks and when I'm finally able to corner you, you break up with me? Giving me no damn explanation!" He was shouting at me now, irate and frustrated. He stood up abruptly, knocking the chair over as he did so and he started to pace around the room. He surprised me when he stood up and I flinched, afraid that he was going to touch me. I saw him notice my reaction out of the corner of his eye and he grimaced at it, though he made no move to touch me.

He paced around the room, throwing me glares over his shoulder every now and then. I stayed silent. I didn't know where to being, let alone what to say. The more I watched him pace, the more nervous I felt because he was working himself up into a fury as he paced. I felt my heart rate quicken and my body started to shake once more in fear. I took deep breaths, trying to be as silent as possible. I didn't want him to notice my nervousness.

"What you're just going to sit there?" he spat at me as he continued to pace about my office. "You know, I could have had anyone. I had so many girls that would have given anything to be with me Kat. They would lick my boots if I told them to. I could have had more than one girlfriend; I could have slept around with anyone! But I didn't. I chose you and I waited for you". He stopped pacing to stand in front of my desk. "I never cheated on you" he said to me quietly, his anger slightly less volatile. "Is that was this is about? Do you think I cheated on you? Did Jason say something to you? I never did Kat. It's only been you since we got together".

I shook my head slowly and bit the inside of my cheek anxiously. "No James. That isn't why I think we should break up".

He threw is hands up in the air in frustration. "They why!? Because I won't let you break up with me unless you have a reason" he shot back at me and threw himself down into the other chair, the one he knocked over still laying on the floor.

At his words, it was like he flicked a switch somewhere inside me, the same one that I had flicked only two weeks ago. But instead of reverting back to a pitiful scared, little girl it flicked over to that darker side of me and my own anger flared up. I felt it detach itself from somewhere deep in my belly and then creep slowly and stealthily up and out so that it consumed my whole body in a fiery rage. It was like a cancerous infection and I knew exactly where it had come from inside me. I wasn't shaking from nerves now, I was shaking with rage. I inhaled deeply through my nose and clenched and then unclenched my fists trying to remain calm. How dare try and tell me what he would and wouldn't allow me to do.

"James" I said his name through gritted teeth. He look me in the eyes, his own mirroring the anger I was feeling, though I could see them widen slightly when he saw the rage I was feeling reflected in my eyes. I decided right then and there to be honest with him because I wanted him to feel like a worthless pile of shit for what he did to me. "Do you really want to know why I don't want to be with you? Because you know what? I don’t think you can handle the truth" I said to him cruelly. "But do you really want to know?".

"No, I'm asking because I don't want to know" he replied sarcastically with attitude, sneering at me unkindly.

"What do you remember from the last night we were together?" I asked him as calmly as I could, though my anger was on the verge of bursting.

He leaned forward thoughtfully, and this time I didn't lean back. I stood my ground. My anger gave me strength and I channeled it and warped it into something that I could use to defend myself with.

"I remember we had a fight at the bar and when I left the bar I wanted to make things right with you so I went to your apartment. I remember getting into bed with you..." he trailed off and screwed his eyes up shut as he tried to remember that night though it was contaminated with a drunken haze. "I don't remember much else" he said, opening his eyes to look at me, searching for some kind of clue in my own eyes. "But when I woke up, I was half dressed. That's all I remember".

I knew he wanted me to enlighten him and to probably be gentle about it. But I wasn't feeling gentle. He wanted to know, so I was going to tell him. "Yeah, well the part you don't remember is when you fucked me" I said to him bluntly as a way of explaining his half dressed state the next morning. His eyes widened but then he slowly nodded, as if he somehow knew that was why he was half dressed. His slow nod only further infuriated me though. It made me think that maybe he wasn't as drunk as I thought he had been. "You don’t look all that surprised" I whispered, though my tone was low and deadly serious. He opened his mouth to say something but I stopped him.

"Don’t talk yet". I didn't shout, or raise my voice. I said it calmly but very seriously so that he would understand. I continued coldly and callously. "You had sex with me even though I begged you not to and I cried and I pleaded. You didn't listen to me and you didn't care. All you cared about was getting off" I paused so that my words would sink in. "You pinned me down and covered my mouth to muffle my crying. I hated every single second of it. It was the worst experience of my life" I finished as I steadily regarded him. He had dropped his eyes from mine while I had delivered my version of events that night but he didn't seem as surprised as I thought he would be.

He started to shake his head while he looked at my desk. He raised his eyes to mine and I was surprised to see anger in his eyes. "You're lying" he said to me quite simply. Inside, it was like a kick to the gut, but I didn't let that show on my face. I would not allow myself to show him any weakness. "You're fucking lying" he repeated, the anger creeping into his voice. "If you want to break up with me, you don't need to make up fucking lies!" he was shouting at me now, gripping the arms of the chair he sat in, and his knuckles white. "I don't do that to women. I may sleep around, but I don't do that" he screamed at me, his breathing coming in short bursts.

His denial only served to enrage me further. I stood up and resting my weight on my arms that I slammed down on my desk in front of James. "Maybe not when you're sober. But you were drunk. You were absolutely shit-faced. You become a different person when you're drunk James. You're ugly, mean and cruel. But you did do that" I hissed at him as I fiercely raised the sleeves of my knit sweater and pulled off the collection of bangles on my wrists. Even two weeks old, the bruises were still there because of how dark and violent they had been when I had received them. I silently showed him the bruises and he stared at them in disbelief. "Ask me again why I can't be with you" I whispered at him.

He shook his head again in denial, still staring at my eyes, "No. I wouldn't do that" he repeated, almost trying to convince himself of his innocence. "Kat, I wouldn't do that" he said again as he raised his eyes to my own, almost pleading with me. His eyes were a swirling abyss of hurt, disbelief and anger.

"It doesn't matter what you think James. I'm done. We're done. I can't stand to see you or to be around you" I said to him coldly, not allowing myself to feel anything at all for him. "And to answer your question about Jason, he knows" I paused before continuing, "I think you should leave now". I sat back down in my chair and gently pulled down the sleeves of my sweater. I then methodically put all the bangles back onto my wrists. James didn't get up to leave. He remained seated watching me.

"Kat, no" he finally said softly. "Please, I care about you. Let me make it up to you" he pleaded with me. I shook my head, not looking at him, not caring about him. "Baby, please. I would never intentionally hurt you. That's not how I remember it" he whispered. I was trying to ignore him, so I almost didn't catch that last bit. But I did hear it and it took me a moment to register what he had said.

"What did you say?" I said very quietly, not moving, not daring to breathe, not doing anything so I wouldn't miss what he said next.

James clamped his mouth shut. I stared him down furiously. "Did you just say that's not how you remember? Are you telling me that you remember?" I hissed at him so quietly that he had to lean forward slightly to hear me. The anger that I had been successfully controlling and preventing to boiling over was on the verge of doing so.

"Kat" he finally whispered as he crumpled a bit under my gaze, "It's not like that. I remember bits and pieces. I knew we had sex. I remember asking but I swear, I swear I remember you agreeing to it. I would have never had done it if you said no" he said to me imploringly.

I nearly choked on his words, not really want to believe what I heard him say. This whole time I had been trying to justify his behaviour based on the fact that he had been drunk. But here he was, admitting that he hadn't been as drunk as I had initially thought. My hands curled into fists and I squeezed them so tight I was sure that I would leave half moon marks in my palms.

"You're right James, I did say yes eventually; but only because you made me feel guilty for saying no for so long. But it wasn't a real yes. I didn't say yes because I wanted to. And it doesn't change the fact that I begged you not to and I cried and you still hurt me and tried to smother me. You weren't tender or loving. You were cruel. You took your pleasure and then you passed out" I explained to him so angry that I couldn't even feel anymore. I felt like I was going to black out from my fury.

"Kat...no" he whispered to me sadly.

"Yes! James! That is exactly what happened!" I yelled at him, raising my voice for the first time.

I realized then in that moment that I didn't want anything to do with Metallica. I wanted my own life, away from it, away from James. I wanted to get the hell out of San Francisco. And I wanted to hurt James the same way he had hurt me, petty as it might be.

I took a deep breath, preparing and calming myself .In that moment, I didn't care if this hurt it him in the slightest. I wanted it to. I needed to say it so he would leave and never want to talk to me again. And then I would be able to move on with my life.

James and I locked eyes. His were still filled with confusion, but they also still pled with me to continue talking about this and try and fix it. I ignored the silent pleading, opened my mouth and without feeling anything I said, "I fucked Jason in Montreal. So you might want to consider whether or not you still want to be with me". I said it simply and unceremoniously he. I watched his expression change from desperation to shock, his face draining of all colour and then just as quickly as it had been there, it was gone, replaced by fury.

"Are you serious?" he asked me through gritted teeth.

I didn't say anything, I just looked at him. James, realizing that it wasn't a joke, stood up suddenly, looking down at me. "Fuck you" he spat and then he stalked over to my office door, throwing it open and then slamming it closed when he walked out. The force of the slamming door shook the paintings hanging on the walls of my office and rattled the contents on my desk, but I breathed a sigh of relief when he left. The slamming of the door was like slamming a chapter closed in my life. I felt liberated.

I took a few calming breaths, eyes closed and cracked my neck a few times. When I had sufficiently calmed myself and regained my composure, I stood up and left my office, walking in the direction of my boss'. I knew that I needed to do this, right this second or else I would never have the courage to do it again. If I wanted a new life I needed to start right now while I had the nerve to do it. I waited patiently while his receptionist called ahead to see if he could speak to me. She nodded, ear still to the phone and I opened the door to walk in. As I closed the door behind me, my boss, the director of the company, hung up the phone.

He smiled at me warmly, and indicated that I should sit across from him.

"Katerina. It's good to see you" he said with a smile. "What can I do you for?".

I decided to skip the pleasantries and to just say what I had come here to say. "Mr Dunn, I wanted to let you know that I hereby tender my resignation here at Dunn & Cooper. I will provide you a written copy as soon as I can, but it is effective immediately".

He stared at me in shock. "Katerina, if this is about money, if you need a raise..." he started to say but I silenced him with a shake of my head.

"Please, it's not about money. And, in fact, I've enjoyed my time here. I've learned so much, and if the circumstances were different, I could see myself working here a long time. Unfortunately, my personal situation has dictated that I need to leave. There are some things I need to take care of. I'm going back home to Montreal" I explained to him. "But I do want to thank you for the opportunity that you provided me with here. I'll never forget it" I said to him with a smile.

"Katerina...there are procedures and guidelines that we have to follow when someone leaves the company. We need two weeks notice so that we can hire a replacement. What about all your portfolios?" he asked me.

"I think Bryan will be able to take them on. He's been showing a lot of promise and he's familiar with all of them since he's been working me these fast few weeks" I said referring to my brilliant co-worker. I knew that he would have no problem taking on the clients for himself.

He nodded his head considering what I had said and then in understanding and smiled back at me. "Of course; I understand". He stood up and mirrored him. He held out his hands and shook mine warmly. "If you need a reference, let me know. And I wish you the best, though I'm sorry to see you go".

I nodded my thanks and then made a hasty retreat to my office, picking up the knocked over chair on my way back in. I quickly typed up a letter of resignation, printed and then signed it. I found a banker box in the supply room and filled it with the personal possessions from my desk and couch. I held it under my arm, the letter on top of the box and looked once more around my office. When I was satisfied that I wasn’t forgetting anything, I turned the lights off and left the room. As I was leaving the office, I dropped the letter in my now ex-boss’ mail box and left through the main doors feeling happy and free.

I took a cab home and was pleased to see that Jason wasn't at home. I slipped into my bedroom and quickly started to throw some clothes into a suitcase, along with toiletries and some of my favourite heels. It didn’t take me long and when I was done I moved to my desk and started to rummage around through it, looking for something in particular. When I found it, my fingers closed around it carefully. My stomach had a few nervous butterflies, but not bad nervous. No, these were excited nervous butterflies.

In my hands was a slim white business card. I carried it out into the kitchen and picked up the phone. I stared at it for a few seconds and then nervously dialled the number. The worst thing that could happen would be that he said no I told myself.

When I finished dialling the number I held the phone up to my ear. I heard the call connect and then the phone start to ring. It rang three times before it was answered by a woman with a voice as sweet as honey.

"Bonjour. Vous avez attaint la maison de Chanel. Comment puis-je vous aider?".

"Oui. Monsieur Frisch s'il vous plait" I requested in French.

"Un moment s'il vous plait".

She placed me on hold and I waited impatiently for her to transfer my call. A few moments later a heavy German accent spoke into the phone.

"Helmut Frisch" he said into the phone.

Remembering that he spoke English, I chose to speak in English to him.

"Mr. Frisch, This is Katerina Plushenko. I'm not sure if you remember me. We met in San Francisco and you gave me your card" I started to explain, but he interrupted me before I could continue.

"Ah. Yes. Ms. Plushenko, I thought you might call me. I'm glad you've reconsidered" he said cheerily. I was surprised that he remembered me and that he knew the reason that I had called. "Let's fly you out here and do a screen test with a photographer. I already know you'll do well on the runway, like I said, you have a great walk. But Mr. Lagerfeld will be interested in how you photograph. When are you available?" he asked me. I was shocked that he was prepared to offer all this to me no questions asked.

"Any time works for me" I replied breathily.

"How's tomorrow sound? I'll have my assistant book you a flight and hotel and call you with the details. We will arrange to have someone pick you up and bring you straight here. How does that sound?".

"I think that will work" I said a little dazed at how quickly everything was happening.

"Good. I look forward to seeing you again. Until then, salute!" he said and then hung up the phone.

I hung up on my end and placed the phone back in the cradle. Then I couldn't help but smile to myself because I was going to be getting the hell out of San Francisco – at least for a little while anyways. I all but skipped back into my bedroom to go over the contents in my suitcase. I wanted to make the right impression so I wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. It seemed crazy that I would soon be in Paris doing a photo shoot for a potential job with Chanel.

I didn't know what had changed my mind exactly, but I did know that Paris was where I wanted to be. It was almost like it was destiny that made me run into Mr. Frisch that day in the records store, not that I believed in destiny. I held purely secular beliefs, but it was almost like there was no other way to explain it. Whether or not this modelling thing turned out, I knew that I wouldn't stay in San Francisco. Not now that I felt so happy to be leaving it behind me. As I sat on my bed pondering, I took everything out of the suitcase and refolded it. Why I decided to pack before calling was beyond me. Maybe it was that push that I needed to actually pick up the phone, in case he asked me to leave at a moment’s notice I couldn’t say no because I wasn't packed.

As I repacked, I heard the lock turn in the front door and Jason walk in. I sat there a moment, wondering what to tell him and settled on telling him I was taking a vacation. I had this feeling that if I told him I was potentially leaving San Francisco permanently, he would beg me to stay and probably break my heart in the process. I knew for sure that he would tell me that I was running away from my problems, like I did when Marc died. I can admit that I did do that. But for me, it didn't feel like running away this time. This time I had something to look forward to. It felt like a new beginning. I slipped off of my bed and shuffled out into the den to go talk to him.

Only, it wasn't Jason that had just come into the apartment. It was a rather short, curvy blonde woman. She wasn't particularly pretty, but she wasn't ugly either. She had a jean skirt and long sleeved t-shirt on with boots. Not exactly frumpy, but not exactly trendy either. She saw me about the same time I saw her, as she was putting her purse down on the kitchen table. We looked at each other and then at the same time we both said, "Who the hell are you?".
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Nah Bruno
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Poor Twisted Me
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OMG!! Jason's girlfriend?!

James was sucs such a jerk, yes sir. And I do think Kat is running away again. If she's that strong, come'on! :heart:

More, btw :o I LOVE THIS :o :heart:
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