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| A Taste of Eternity; Het, Baby James meets Stephanie... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: December 19, 2011, 4:35 pm (18,976 Views) | |
| Scorpion Flower | January 15, 2012, 5:19 pm Post #136 |
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Outlaw Torn
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I woke up next morning feeling dizzy and awful. I ran out of pills and that’s why I felt so bad plus the whole story James told me was killing me inside. I looked at him passed out by my side. I didn’t resist to ran my hand softly through his face and then I dragged myself closer to him and stood there for a while watching him. I caressed his hair softly not to wake him up but I needed to touch him. “Jamie…” I whispered. “Why have you done this to us? Why am I doing this to us?” I talked to myself never letting go of his hair. I played with it, letting it slipper between my fingers. I loved him so much and I was so sure of that. I took a glance to the alarm clock, it was about time for me to get up. I had classes in the morning. I got out of bed softly and picked some clothes, then I went to the bathroom and had a shower. I was having my breakfast in the counter when I heard the door of our bedroom opening up. I didn’t look at him but by the corner of my eye I saw him leaning against the door looking at me. I got up from the bench and placed my cup in the sink. “Are you going out?” He finally spoke. His voice came out deep, sleepy and with a sad tone. There I looked at him. He was just in his boxers and with his hair tied up. I loved so much to see him that way, he had such a cute face and it was always hidden behind his long hair. “I need to go to college, I have classes.” I replied. “Steph, don’t you think we need to talk?” He asked me. I nodded at him. We surely needed to talk but that wasn’t the right time. “We do but I have classes. We do that later.” I said walking up to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I was passing by him he grabbed my wrist. “What we have to talk about it’s important.” He insisted. I didn’t stray his hand from mine. Suddenly I felt the urge to clutch onto him so I slide my hand a bit and entwined my fingers with his. I knew there, I was going to forgive him because I needed him and I loved him more than anything in this world. “It is important but I can’t skip on my responsibilities. If you had to go to the studio I wouldn’t ask you not to go.” I said. James let go of my hand nodding at me. He got the message quite well. He nodded and I closed the door of the bathroom behind me. I cried a bit, I wanted to forgive him but I didn’t know how to do that. After a couple of minutes I got out of the bathroom and James was sat on the couch eating cereals. “Can you clean up this mess?” I said pointing at our counter still filled with the cans from the night before. He just nodded. I grabbed my books and walked up to the door. “What time are you finished?” He asked when I was about to get out. “At two.” I said closing the door behind me the next second. I didn’t take my car, college was quite near so I walked. I used to walk to college every day. The sun was shinning and it was warm. All the way I thought about all the possibilities and paths my relationship could take. I always ended up in nowhere. I knew I didn’t want to live without him but I didn’t know if I was capable of totally forgive him and forget all bout it. I didn’t know if I was capable of trusting him again. Classes went fine and there I distracted my mind a bit. I could disconnect from the personal problems and focus into something good and important to me. Medicine was some sort of fresh air to me. I loved what I studied. Before we called the day off, we found out we had a group thing to do to deliver the next day. I had my group with the closest friends I’ve made in there: Peter, Sam and Sean. That day the hooker of the place had no group and we ended up being the victims who had to cope with her. Jen was a slut and no one liked her and she was known for ruining relationships. “I think we can do it at my place.” I told to Peter. They all nodded. “Jen, here’s my address, be there on time please, don’t be late.” I told her. She gave me a “I don’t give a shit” look but took the paper. After settling all the details I left to find Mark. I needed my pills. I saw him outside college at the parking lot and went up to him. “Hi Stephanie.” He said smiling. I didn’t want to make friendship with him, me and him was only business. “I ran out of pills and I need more.” I told him. “Good for you, I’ve got some in my car.” He said opening the door of his car. I looked around while I waited and then I saw James leaning against his car and looking at me. My heart dropped on the floor and began to race, and racing fast. “Mark, put the bag in its place. My boyfriend is here I can’t take that now.” I said in panic. “Tomorrow then?” He asked. “Yeah tomorrow.” I said leaving and walking up to James. “What are you doing here?” I asked him when I reached him. “You said you were finished at two, so I thought we could go out for lunch and talk. Who’s that guy?” “A colleague.” I simply said being vague. “Why did you give him a 10 dollar bill?” He asked. James was serious. “Because I owed him. The other day I didn’t have money with me and he paid for my lunch so I was paying him back.” James looked at me maintaining the serious look. I don’t know if he was buying it but then he nodded and opened the door of the car for me. I got in it without saying a word. Then I saw him watching Mark attentively. I could only hope he hasn’t seen anything but then I saw Mark receiving more money and I knew James was seeing too. “A lot of people owe him money.” He said trying to sound casual but I knew he was showing me that he didn’t believe in my words. I didn’t say a thing not to make things worse, with time he’d get over it. James took me to a nice restaurant downtown. It was my favorite steaks. He was trying to apologize. When we were waiting for the food he began to talk. “Do you want me to pack my stuff?” He asked being as direct and straight as he could be. “No.” I said. “No?” He asked a bit surprised. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to break up BUT I also don’t know how I am going to trust you again and I don’t want you to think that we’re are ok just like that, we’re not. You have to regain my trust ‘cause you totally lost it.” James was nodding at me as I spoke. “I know I fucked up badly. Those girls don’t mean a thing to me, they’re scum and you mean everything to me and still, you are right, I forgot all about it just for some glorious minutes. I’m gonna do everything that I can to fix this, to make you trust me again.” “And you’re still drinking too much.” I added. He nodded again. “I’ll stop. I’ll do anything. I just want us to be fine and happy again.” “We have so many problems.” I said. “I know Steph and we’re not able to turn the table over again. Steph, I am worried about you.” He told me. I knew he was going to bring my habits on the table again. “You have nothing to worry about. I am fine.” I said resting him. I knew if he’d find out what I was doing, it would be it for us. Drugs? There’s no way he’d tolerate that and from me even worse. At that time I honestly didn’t think I had a problem, I didn’t know I was addicted, I was blind and young and innocent like that. I thought I could stop when I wanted. With the conversation and all, time flew fast. “Look I have an assignment to deliver tomorrow, my group mates are gonna be at our house at four, I need to get going.” “Ok, I’ll leave you there and then I’m gonna meet Lars. That way you’ll be more comfortable around the house to work.” He did as he suggested. He drove me back home and he left me at the door of the building. “See you later.” I said hoping off of the car. “Steph.” He called me. I bent over and looked inside. “Can’t you even give me a kiss?” He asked with his eyes filled with water. I didn’t think I could but I sat back on the seat and kissed his lips softly. But it was a dry kiss, still I felt his lips on mine and that felt so right and so good. I strayed after it but James pulled me to him. I resisted but he resisted too and glued his lips in mine again. He was forcing a kiss but soon I was responding to it and with my tongue entwined with his. I forgot all a bout our problems during that moment. We were both crying when we broke it. “I love you.” He said resting his forehead against mine. I caressed his face with my hand. “This is so hard.” I said. “I know.” He said. “I know.” I left the car and got inside the house. I threw myself in the couch while waiting for my mates to arrive. James lips still burning in mine. How come it still felt so right to kiss him? I found out I was willing to forgive him since the second I knew. I couldn’t let anyone take that love away from me and I didn’t think I was capable to live without it. Long way to go I was sure but I wanted to go on that way. That was my path. Soon they all got there and I got distracted working with them all. Jen was being a total slacker, as usual, but with our help she began to work. Around 6 o’ clock James entered the house. “Hi.” He told me with his keys in his hand. I looked back and said “hi “back. I saw Jen’s eyes glittering. “I know you.” She addressed to James. “You’re the guy of Metallica, I saw you guys playing in New York.” She said with a huge smile to him. “Hope you liked the show.” He said shyly. “You never told me your boyfriend was in a band Steph.” She told me. I didn’t even answer her. I didn’t know why would that be important and I didn’t like, not even one bit, the way she was smiling at my boyfriend. I began to rot in jealousy. James excused himself and went to our room with the door closed, he only came out when half an hour later, when we were all talking loud and laughing. He realized our work was done. He opened the door and opened the fridge. “Do you guys want anything to drink?” He offered. We all refused, but Jen… “Oh…I’d like a beer if you don’t mind.” She said all sweet and smiling, walking up to him. I followed her with a murdering look in my eyes. James handed her a beer and leaned against the sink, Jen smiled and stood right in front of him. “Is it cool to be in a band?” She began the conversation. James looked at me asking for help. That panic look almost made me laugh. She was hitting on him right in front of my eyes. “Yes, it’s cool.” He answered. Jen smiled at him and then licked her lips after taking a sip of the beer. I almost flew to another dimension in rage and James moved a bit uncomfortable. “You know what?” I said getting up. ”Maybe I’d like a beer too.” James opened the fridge and handed me a bottle. I stood right next to him looking at Jen, but she totally ignored me. She was with her eyes on her target. I looked at Peter and he shrugged watching the whole scene. “Tell me about going on tour.” She kept going. “Nothing special about it, we travel and we play.” My blood was rushing and I was losing my patience, suddenly I felt his arm around my shoulders and he pulled me to him. I looked up at him and he smiled, a comforting smile. I was burning. I saw the others getting up and packing their stuff. “Well Jen, I guess it’s time to go.” Peter said seeing things were going to derail at any minute. “I still haven’t finished my beer.” She claimed. I got free of James’s arm and ripped the bottle of her hand and poured the rest of the liquid down the sink. “Yes you have.” I said showing her the emptied bottle. I grabbed her arm and handed her stuff. James remained still against the counter watching me almost kicking a girl’s butt. I walked her up to the door while the others were already outside. “And Jen…” I said before I closed my door in her face. “Just so you can have your wet dreams tonight, yes, he’s good at it.” I said slamming the door right after. I heard Peter’s laughter. I looked back at James who was walking up to me. He pulled me to him in a hug. “I didn’t do anything.” He said. “At least not today.” I said getting rid of his arms. I went to my room and shut the door with strength. I crashed in my bed crying. It was because of girls like Jen, girls who were willing to do everything to him that my relationship was falling apart. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to be better than any of them, that would be my weapon to keep him with me. |
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| Lilith | January 16, 2012, 12:32 am Post #137 |
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♥ Jaimelicious ♥
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That slut!! Poor Steph... I hope she can find in her to trust him, but let's face it... there is no way she will... and jealousy is living hell.
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| Nah Bruno | January 16, 2012, 12:58 am Post #138 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Trust is something hard, pretty hard. That's all I say
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| Scorpion Flower | January 16, 2012, 7:45 am Post #139 |
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Outlaw Torn
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After a couple of minutes I heard the door of the bedroom opening softly. “Steph…” James called me. I turned myself around, resting on my belly and buried my face in my pillow so I didn’t have to look at him because I didn’t want him to see me crying. I didn’t want to show him my weakness but I guess it was a bit late, he’d probably seen it when he got in there. James sat by my side and took his hand to my hair, he didn’t say anything just sat there in silence caressing me. I tried not to cry loud but the more I felt his hand petting me the more I felt my tears coming out. Seconds later my body began to shake a bit and a soft sob came out. I felt him moving and then I felt his weight on top of me. James laid himself on top of me, placing his arms around my head and kissing it. Tiny little kisses but it felt good. It felt good to have him there supporting me, it felt good to feel his touch. “Don’t cry sweetie.” He whispered. I turned my head resting it on the pillow. My face was no longer hiding and he could see my eyes swollen. He kissed my cheek. “How you don’t want me to cry? How?” I told him, my voice coming out in small hiccups from the crying. James rested his head against mine and took a deep breath. “Fuck, this is so hard.” He blurted out. “I didn’t mean to hurt you like this Steph.” He said. “You cheated on me, how come you didn’t mean to hurt me? Jamie, we were already walking on thin ice and this…this makes things even worse.” I told him. I turned around to face him. Our bodies glued, James’s weight on top of my body, still I didn’t want him to stray. I wanted him to be there. “We’re gonna survive this babe. I’m gonna get us out of this misery. I’m gonna regain your trust and show you we are perfect for each other. I don’t want anyone else but you Steph. You’ve always been the one for me. You are the one and I don’t want to lose that. I can’t lose that.” He said too close of my lips. Having him there was making my body ache for him. Having his lips so close to mine was driving me wild with desire to kiss him. The warmth of his body against mine was barely making me think straight. He had that power over me. The power to wash away all my sane thoughts. James moved even closer to the point where our noses were touching, in almost an unconscious move I opened my legs and wrapped them around him. I felt him hard against me even though we were both in jeans, his breathing was heavy, I felt his chest coming up and down against mine. I felt my body heat with the tension. James didn’t move, I guess he was waiting for what I was going to do next but our eyes were locked on each other. We were both craving for the same thing, that was so clear, but none of us knew what to do given the circumstances. With his lips a few millimeters from mine, I gave in. I raised my head and kissed him. He responded to my kiss immediately, eagerly. Like I said before, all my thoughts washed away by the power of a simple kiss. We kissed until we ran out of breath, we paused for a few seconds and then kissed again. The second time with lust, desire and fire. Our tongues eagerly danced together, my hands clutched on the back of his head pulling him to me strongly. I could never have enough of him. I felt the tip of his fingers roaming under my shirt, as I didn’t stray he kept on going and his hands fully reached under my shirt, touching my bare skin under it. He began to thrust against me even if we were still dressed, I slide my hands inside his back pockets clutching my hands against his ass in response to his moves. His hands reached for my breasts and there, I don’t know why, something hit me. Nausea invaded me, thoughts of him with other girls popped up in my mind. I opened my eyes and broke the kiss abruptly. James stopped looking at me. I took my hands to his chest and pulled him away. He didn’t resist, he just rolled to the other side of the bed. I sat and began to shake my head crying again. “I can’t.” I told him. “I can’t do this. I am so sorry…I am sorry.” I said. I felt him dragging closer to me and then I felt his arms around my waist. He kissed the back of my head. “It’s ok Steph.” He said holding on to me in support. “I can wait until you’re ready.” “I don’t know when that is gonna be Jamie. I don’t know…” I told him sobbing again. I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for turning him on and then just stop things abruptly. I felt sorry for loving him and not being able to be fully there. I felt sorry for me for wanting him badly and not being able to get over it. “I don’t care Steph. I don’t care how long is gonna take.” He said kissing my head again. “I am sorry for…” I began but he interrupted me. “Don’t need to apologize babe, I’ll take a shower and I’ll be fine.” His answer almost made me laugh, I even chuckled a bit. James noticed it and jumped in front of me smiling. “Think that is funny?” He said tickling my belly making me giggle. I grabbed his hands to make him stop. “It was funny the way you said it, that’s all.” I told him. He strayed a strand of my hair and put it behind my ear. “Like I said, I don’t care how long is gonna take, I don’t care how many cold showers I have to have. I just care about you and I want to make things right again. Tell you what, the guys are going to a concert tonight, how about we meet them and go out a bit? Just to relax a bit and not be here hammering on the same thing over and over again.” He suggested. I nodded. I could use some fun. “I’m gonna take my shower and then we’ll go.” “I’m gonna make something to eat. We have to eat first.” James got up and gave me his hand helping me to stand, then he went for his shower and I went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. After having our meal calmly at home we left to meet our friends. The venue was packed, it took us a while to find them but then I saw Cliff’s head. We walked up to them not even holding hands, we were just side by side. Cliff smiled at me as in support to be there with James, all of them with the girlfriends. James went up to the bar and brought a beer for him and handed me the other one. I didn’t even had to ask. Then he placed himself by my side facing the stage. I was talking to Cliff and Corinne. “What band are we seeing tonight?” I asked. “Exodus.” Corinne said. “Oh…great…” I said excited to see Kirk’s ex band. Then Cliff coughed a bit and raised his eyebrows at me. I looked back. A girl placed herself on James’s other side and was smiling at him. James’s pretended he didn’t notice and kept looking to the stage. I looked at the girl and then looked at Cliff, he chuckled a bit. I kept on talking to them but always looking back now and then at the girl, she didn’t went away. Fed up with her little smiles, I walked up behind James, took my hands to his waist and pushed him to the side and placed myself in the middle of them giving the girl a murdering look. I saw James’s looking at me by the corner of his eye but I simply didn’t care. Soon I felt his arm around my neck pulling me to him. I let myself go I just wanted the girl to go away, only she didn’t. “What a nerve!” I muttered to myself thinking no one heard it. James bent over me and spoke in my ear. “Want me to tell her to fuck off.” He asked. I looked at him and as I turned my head we were just at that tiny little and dangerous distance. Instantly my breathing became heavy, the place become unbearably hot and he was the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen. “Kiss…kiss…kiss…” Cliff appeared behind us saying the word. That broke the ice and we looked back laughing. “They were almost at it, you ruined the moment.” Corinne said smacking his arm. All of us began to laugh loud. “Where’s Kirk?” I asked Rebecca, his girlfriend. “Backstage talking with his mates.” She said. Then I looked back at the stage, still under James’s arm and quite frankly I wasn’t getting out of there. Predator was still around and it felt good to be with him in that way. When the show began James pulled me forward so was leaning against him. He’d always do that during shows to protect me from the circle pits and stuff. I leaned comfortably against him feeling his hands resting in the waist of my jeans. Only there the girl threw her towel on the ground and walked away. “Farewell bitch.” I said. James kissed the top of my head. During the concert I saw Mark, my dealer. Instantly my eyes looked for him everywhere. When the concert was finished I saw Mark giving me the signal. He had my stuff. “I’m going to the toilets.” I told James. I left following Mark. We met at the corridor that led to the toilets. “Want your stuff now?” He asked me. “Of course, I’ve already paid for it.” I said. Mark took a bag off his pocket and handed it to me, when I was a bout to take it, a hand appeared in the middle of ours. “What the fuck is this?” He asked. I looked up. “Cliff, give me that.” I said serious. “That is none of your business, give me that!” “None of my business? You’re my friend, obviously it concerns me!” Mark went away leaving me there alone solving my problems. It was better that way. “When are you gonna tell him Steph? He has the right to know”” “I can’t tell him. And this is not dangerous, this is just for the exams.” I said. “Exams? Steph, it’s not even exams’ season. This is drugs. You’re addicted to it.” “I am not. Look, I know what I am doing, now give me that.” Cliff gave me a warning look before handing me the bag. “You have to tell him, if you don’t, I will. He’ll give you hell for this, maybe then you open your eyes. Steph, you’re ruining your fucking life.” Cliff said. I didn’t say a thing, I turned my back on him and went to the toilets, I leaned against the basin, I was feeling tired. I took a pill inside my mouth and opened the water, I cupped it with a hand and swallowed my medicine. Then I went back to them. We stayed around for a couple of hours, Cliff barely talked to me the rest of the night but no one noticed. When we got home we went straight to bed. James fell asleep quite easily but my eyes refused to shut and let me rest. I rolled in bed with all type of thoughts running through my head. James, Cliff’s warning, my problem, everything hammering at the same time. “Stop moving Steph” James’s complained with a sleepy voice, then he turned his back on me. Hearing him breathing peacefully after a few seconds made me realize I should get out of the bed otherwise I would be waking him up again. I went to our balcony in just a shirt, one I stole from James’s drawer and I sat on the floor with my back against the wall. The night was silent, there was not a single sound that could be heard. I stayed there, eyes wide open as the pill was still in its effect. I began to rehearse mentally ways of telling James what was happening to me but none of them seemed good. I stayed there for hours then James appeared. “What are you doing out here in the cold?” He asked me rubbing his arms. “It’s freezing Steph, aren’t you cold?” “I don’t feel cold.” I said. “Why are you up?” “I woke up and you weren’t there…What are you doing here?” He asked again crouching in front of me. “I can’t sleep.” I said. James sat on the floor resting his arms on his knees. “Is it because of what happened?” He insisted. I nodded. My eyes instantly burned with tears as I was lying to him. I felt guilt as I was putting it all on his shoulders. I was blaming him for something that was not true. I was deceiving him. Seeing me shake my shoulders as my crying became heavier he got up and rubbed his face in despair. “You cry all the time Steph. I don’t know what to do to you anymore or what to tell you. You also have to help me with this, I can’t do this all by myself. What’s wrong with you? For Christ sake you have to talk to me.” He crouched in front of me again and grabbed my shoulders shaking me up a bit. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you always so sad? We’ve always talked about everything, why can’t you do that now? If you want to hit me, kick me out me out of the house, just do it, but at least do something!” He almost shouted. “It’s not that.” I said. “Then what is it?” He begged. “Is it another guy? You’ve been acting weird since I came back. This is not just my confession, this is something more. When I came back you avoided me and you were sad already. You didn’t kiss me, you didn’t want to make love to me, I can only assume it’s another guy.” “There’s no one!” I shouted. “Really? Or you just don’t have the balls to tell me?” He said letting go of me and getting up. He walked inside and I followed him. “Jamie, there’s no one but you.” I said. “I swear.” He looked back at me with his eyes glittering with rage. “I don’t believe you.” He shot at me. James went inside the room. “This time you sleep on the fucking couch.” He said closing the door. I heard the lock turning. “Jamie…open the door.” I said knocking. “Fuck you. I am fed with this shit Steph. I am gonna find out who the motherfucker is. You don’t have to tell me, I’ll find out by myself.” Such ugly and severe words directed at me made me rest my case. I laid on the couch, the sun was almost rising and my eyes began to finally shut. James and I? Well things were just getting worse. |
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| Nah Bruno | January 16, 2012, 2:11 pm Post #140 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Tell him Steph! It's better this way. Btw, very well written chapter!
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| Lilith | January 16, 2012, 11:08 pm Post #141 |
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♥ Jaimelicious ♥
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Oops! James is getting the wrong idea! I fear worse problems approach!
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| Scorpion Flower | January 17, 2012, 7:51 am Post #142 |
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Outlaw Torn
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A couple of hours later I woke up with something shaking my foot. “Don’t you have to go to college?” He asked me. Still in a bad mood. I rubbed my eyes and sat on the couch. My back were killing me but I didn’t complain. “What time is it?” I asked him. “10 am.” He said dryly and walking up to the fridge. “Shit.” I muttered. I got up and walked to the bathroom and opened the water. I needed a cold shower so I would awake perfectly. Plus, James’s pissed tone was pissing me off first thing in the morning and I didn’t want to pick another fight with him. I stayed under the cold water for quite some time, until I was almost shivering, then I closed the water, took a towel and dried myself. I rolled the towel around my body and went to my room to get dressed. James was sat on the couch with something, I could not figure out what it was, in his hands. He was paying attention to it and totally ignored my presence. After putting on some black jeans and a grey shirt I left the room to have my breakfast. James’s was still in the same position, but this time I looked at him when I was passing by him. I stopped in shock when I saw my purse on the couch, some of my stuff out of it and he was raiding my phone book. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I asked him furious. I grabbed my purse and stuck all the stuff back inside, I didn’t mind I was going to pick another fight, but my purse was my hiding place. He was not allowed to go there. “I was looking for weird phone numbers.” He said. To my surprise, calm, talking normally but serious. My pills were inside my purse, I began to look for it. Not finding it I looked up at him. James was standing right in front of me with his arms crossed around his chest. When I looked up at him, he didn’t move, I kept staring at him and him staring back at me. Then he took his hand to his back pocket and showed me a bag with 3 pills on it. My heart stopped beating. “Were you looking for this?” He asked, still in a normal and irritating tone. At that point I’d prefer he’d be really furious. I didn’t have the courage to even answer his question. “What the fuck is this Steph?” He asked me. “Wait…don’t tell me because I am not stupid. Tell me this isn’t yours.” He said. For a second I thought about making up an excuse but then I thought it was better if I didn’t. I dropped my eyes on the floor unable to speak or look at him. “Drugs Steph?” He spoke again. “I can not believe in this! I am holding this shit in my hand and I still don’t believe it. I feel like I am in the middle of a fucking nightmare! What in hell crossed your mind for doing something like this?” He was beginning to shout at me at this point. He was losing it. “I screwed up ok!” I shouted at him with tears in my eyes. “I know I did. I just wanted to have better grades only I’ve taken the wrong way. Sorry if I am not perfect as you always thought I was. See? I am not perfect, I am not that little girl that you thought was perfect and I am sorry for that.” James threw the bag on the couch and rested his hands on his waist. He was breathing fast, I could see his chest coming up and down. He was nervous. “I never asked you to be perfect! I liked you the way you were, that was simple. And better grades? What a fucking excuse! YOU HAD GOOD GRADES STEPH!” He shouted loud. “You had good grades, you are smart, you don’t need this shit. What the fuck are you doing to yourself. I knew something was wrong but this? This was not what I had in mind. I didn’t expect this from you. You should know better, you’re doing medicine for Christ sake!! I am so disappointed in you.” “It’s easy for you to say it. You were not here, you are never here. I had to deal with it myself. I am not blaming you, that’s not it. But here alone with no support and dealing with a problem, it ended up badly. The pills worked, I began to have the grades I was used to, and I am not saying that I am right but I took it too far. I wanted to tell you and I didn’t have the courage to, so now you know.” James began to walk around the room shaking his head. “We almost don’t have any money Steph and you’re spending it on drugs! That’s not even the most important thing in this, it’s what you’re doing to yourself. You’re killing yourself and I’ll be damned if I am going to watch that.” I looked at the pills on the couch and didn’t resist to run to it and catch the bag. James grabbed me from the behind to try to stop me but I succeeded. “Put that down Steph.” He shouted. “I need this for the exams.” I said struggling to free myself from him. “No you don’t” He said trying to catch the bag in my hand. I don’t know how I did it but I managed to free myself from him. I ran to the bathroom and was about to close the door when he began to push from the outside. I leaned against the door and pushed with my whole body but he was much stronger than I was and I felt the door slowly opening. I took the pills out of the bag and put it my hand, then I jumped to the front and James came in. I showed him the pills in my hand. “You come closer and I’ll swallow all three of them.” I said menacing him. He stopped walking and I saw tears in his eyes looking at me. “Is that what you choose? To swallow 3 pills that are gonna kill you instead of staying with me?” He said. I remained still, thinking about what he had just told me, not noticing his small steps towards me, when he was close enough he grabbed my arm but I was fast enough to close my hand and keep the pills in it. “Open your fucking hand Steph!” He ordered. “No.” I said shaking my head. I felt his fingers pressuring my wrist more, he was on the verge of hurting me. “Open you hand Steph, I am gonna hurt you until you open your fucking hand. Put that in the fucking toilet.” He said dragging my hand to the toilet. I was trying to fight but he was beginning to hurt me, still my hand was closed. “I am losing my mind here. If I have to hurt you I will. You won’t win this. Don’t piss him off more than I already am. I never wanted to hit a woman and now I am on the verge of doing it. PUT THE FUCKING PILLS IN THE FUCKING TOILET NOW!” He yelled. “You’re hurting me.” I told him. “Do you think I’m gonna stay here watching you kill yourself with that? I love you too much to let you do that Steph. And it is because I love you that I am gonna do what I am about to do. Hope you can forgive me for this.” When he said that James twisted my arm. I shouted in pain. “Stop that.” I cried in pain. “Let go of the fucking pills.” He said clenching his jaw. He forced my arm a little bit more and I shouted in pain, but I resisted. ”I will break your arm if I have to Steph. Open your fucking hand!” His voice was shaking. James was beyond pissed off. I had never seen him that way. I yelled again crying. I began to kneel on the floor but he didn’t let go, it was hurting too much. His other hand grabbed my jaw, strongly enough to make me cry louder and he turned my head to him. His face was flushed with rage and wet from the tears running down his face. “It’s hurting me too, but I won’t give up. Open you fucking hand.” He ordered. “Fuck you.” I managed to say. His eyes glittered with rage hearing my words, his jaw clenched even more, gritting his teeth, he groan and the grip on my arm became stronger. “Aah…” I yelled as the pain was just getting stronger and stronger. Then his hand grabbed my jaw again and he made me look at him once more. I had never seen so much rage in his eyes as at that time. “I am only going to say this one more time, you hear me Steph?” He said looking straight into my eyes. “Let go of the fucking pills right now.” I turned my face away from him the second he let go of my jaw and didn’t say a thing. I tried to resist. James kept twisting my arm as I was not opening my hand, but then the pain became unbearable and I began to give in. Finally I opened my hand and all the pills fell on the toilet. He flushed it. I sobbed grabbing my arm against me as it was hurting too much, I knew it was not broken but it hurt as if it was. James stood on his knees in front of me looking at his hand and fingers marked on my fair skin. “You’re destroying your life.” He whispered crying too. “I am sorry.” I said, then I got up and washed my face. I got out of the bathroom and grabbed my books. I saw James instantly locking the door of the house. He grabbed both our keys. “We’re not done. Don’t even think about going there. Think I am stupid? You get the stuff there! No way…” “I need to go to college.” I hissed. He could not do that. College was very important to me. “And you can go back when you’re cured.” He said. “You’re not leaving this place.” I got so furious that I jumped on his chest smacking him with my clenched fists. “YOU CAN NOT DO THAT!” I shouted at the same time. “I can and I am doing it.” He said grabbing my arms and pulling me away from him. Then he walked up to the door. “Where are you going?” I asked. “I need to think. I need to find a way. I need fresh air.” He shot at me. Then I saw him closing the door and locking it, obviously taking both keys with him. I jumped against the door, punching it. “James you cannot leave me here. You cannot lock me up.” He didn’t say a word. I just heard his steps down the stairs and he totally ignored me. There was not much I could do but to stay there and wait for him to come back. I thought about jumping off the balcony as we lived at the first floor but it was too high. So, I stayed locked in my own house until James came back. It was already dark when I heard the keys on the lock. I was sat on the couch massaging my arm when he got in. He stopped in front of me looking at my arm. I didn’t look up, I didn’t want to look at his face, not because I was mad, I understood why he did it and even in that tension he was able to say he loved me. I knew why he did that so it wasn’t even a question of forgiving him. Still my arm hurt a lot. Then I saw him walking up to the fridge and grab some ice, he put it on a bag and then he came back, crouching in front of me. Without saying a word he grabbed my arm. that I extended to him without fighting, then he put the glass on it. “This will help.” He said. His tone was calm, I didn’t know if that was a good thing. “I went to your college, I didn’t find the fucker which was a good thing for him. If I see him, I’ll squeeze his neck.” He said. “Leave him alone. It’s not his fault.” I said. “It isn’t? What kind of person is at med school selling drugs? Yes, if I see him, he’s gonna have a lot to explain.” “It’s not like he comes after us, we go looking for him. It’s our own fault.” “I don’t give a shit. He sells drugs to my girlfriend, that is my fucking problem. I also called your parents.” There, when I heard these last words, I felt rage taking care of me. “Motherfucker!” I exclaimed. I raised my hand to slap him but he caught my hand just in time. “Don’t do it Steph. Don’t do it because I am so fucking pissed off at you that I know I am going to fight back.” He warned me. My eyes were about to kill him. “How could you fucking call my parents?” I said getting up. “I called them to tell them we’re visiting them.” He exclaimed. “If you ask me if I wanted to tell them what you’re doing, yes I thought about that, they have the right to know, but I am expecting we can solve this shit all by ourselves. You don’t have classes for the next two weeks, so we’re going to LA. This place is tearing us apart in the most scary ways. We need to get away from here, I don’t have money to take you anywhere else, so I think staying with your parents for two weeks is gonna do some good. I think it’s a good idea. We need to get out of here. We need peace. I am giving you a chance!” “I DON’T WANNA GO!” I shouted. “I don’t think you have a say in this.” He said sitting down. “What? Now you feel like you’re king of the world and decide everything alone? You also screwed up mister!” I accused him. “I did and I was strong enough to tell you. What have you done? You hide it from me, you made me think you had another person. You gave me hell! When I came back I was willing to ask you to marry me Steph and then I stepped back because you almost didn’t give a shit about me.” I felt my legs weak when I heard him saying that. “I didn’t know how to tell you.” I said. “You were not gonna tell me. You admitted it because I found it in your purse.” “I don’t wanna go to LA” I said again. “Like I said, you don’t have a choice. Either is that or I’ll pack my things and leave. I am trying to give us a chance, a chance to go away for a while, so you be far away from destruction. I am with you on this but only if I see you want it as much as I do.” James could not go away, I thought. I could not lose him. “We’re leaving tomorrow.” He said walking inside our room. I stayed in the living room holding the ice in my arm and thinking. What was worth it…James? Or the drugs that would end up killing me some time? I walked around, lost, for a while and then I put the ice in the sink. I went to my room. James was laid on the bed crying. I opened my wardrobe and picked a suitcase. I began to pack. “What are you doing?” James asked me sitting on the bed. “Packing.” I said dryly. “Steph…” He called me almost in a whisper as if he was asking me what was I packing, my stuff or his. I looked back at him. “If we’re leaving tomorrow, I need to pack some stuff.” I explained, then I turned my back on him again. After seconds I felt him holding me from the behind, I resisted, but then I heard him sobbing a bit and I gave in. I leaned against him crying too. “I choose you.” I said in between sobs, then I turned around and held on to his neck. I felt his arms pulling me to him strongly. I buried my face in his chest. “I choose you.” I repeated. He took his hands to my hair and caressed it and kissed my neck. I felt his tears in it and I felt so sorry I was doing that to him. “We’ll come out of this stronger.” He told me. Then I strayed and looked in his eyes. “I am addicted.” I admitted for the first time in my life. “How did we let so many things get in the middle of us?” He asked me. I shook my head, I didn’t have an answer for that. “I don’t know but we need to shake these things away because they are making us fall apart.” I said. “We’re gonna try.” He said pulling me to him again. I held onto him with all my strength. I wanted to make things right I just didn’t know if I was capable of doing it. |
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| Helvi | January 17, 2012, 8:07 pm Post #143 |
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Frantic
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Oh I love James in this. I hate drugs, people don't f*cking need them, they're evil. His attitude was perfect. It's also good sign that Steph was able to admit that she's addicted. |
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| Nah Bruno | January 17, 2012, 8:18 pm Post #144 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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The best chapter so far in my opinion! So strong! I love James' attitude
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| Lilith | January 17, 2012, 8:38 pm Post #145 |
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♥ Jaimelicious ♥
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lol WOW! James really took care of the situation! I wasn't expecting that. Man, I would have been so pissed if my bf went through my stuff. I hope he can help her with her addiction, and she doesn't sneak behind his back the moment he loosens his grip on her.
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| Voxx | January 17, 2012, 10:10 pm Post #146 |
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Some Kind Of Monster
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I agree. Despite the fact that I don't agree with physically hurting your partner, I understand why he did it. He loves her so much that he was willing to physically hurt her himself to get her to stop doing even worse damage to herself. I hope things go well at her parents house and that it helps give them the time and space to work out their problems. Though I suspect that the worst is yet to come because Metallica hasn't even really become that famous yet. |
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| Scorpion Flower | January 18, 2012, 8:14 am Post #147 |
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Outlaw Torn
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In the morning while I had a shower James called Lars to tell him about his plans. Lars was too protective of his plans and his professional life. He was in our house in less than half an hour after James told him we were leaving for, at least, two weeks. We were having breakfast James had prepared to us when he rang our doorbell. “Expecting anyone?” I asked him. We were not actually talking to each other unless it was necessary. “No.” James got up from the table and went to the door. “What are you doing here?” He asked when he opened the door. Lars walked in without being invited, well in fact, he didn’t need an invitation. “Trying to put some sense in your head.” Lars barked at James. I remained sat and eating. I knew that was going gonna be about the band and I’d never interfere in that. “I have sense in my head. That’s why I am doing this. We need to go, so please try to understand.” James pleaded. “I don’t understand man!” Lars exclaimed. “I, honestly, don’t understand. We’re supposed to go on studio and you’re leaving. What am I supposed to think?” “Think that I need to go ok. Just that. I’ll be here in two weeks and then we’ll go on studio.” “But that is going to delay our plans.” “The record can wait Lars!” James was almost shouting at him. He had short patience. “Says who?” Lars provoked. “Says me alright?” Now James was shouting. “I need some space and time. I need to get away from here.” “First you come up to me and say you’re taking Steph on tour, and I found that weird but ended up agreeing, but this? How can you just leave our career to second place?” “Because I have other things to care about. We’re in trouble here in case you haven’t noticed, we need time for us. If you’re not ok with that, then I am sorry, find another person to sing in the fucking band. There’s much more to life than just a fucking career.” “You have got to be kidding me! You can’t be serious!” Lars looked at James with his mouth opened in surprise at his words. “Look, our relationship…” James said pointing at me. “is in trouble. We’re trying hard to fix this, if I let the band come in the middle now, we’re going to blow this up. I don’t want that to happen. I am not happy without her. I am not happy without the band either, so please, cooperate with us. We don’t need another fucking problem, we already have enough.” James was honest with Lars and I guess it touched him some way. “Ok…” Lars said running out of words. Then he looked at me but I strayed my eyes from him. “Ok, I never thought things were so bad.” Lars understood our point, or James’s point in this case because I never opened my mouth to say anything. While I was washing the dishes and the cutlery from breakfast, James took our suitcases to the trunk of his car. When I was ready and our house locked, I joined him downstairs. I hopped in the car and we began our road trip to LA. “Do you mind if I turn on the radio?” He asked me after a while driving. “Go ahead.” I said. He took his hand to his radio and blasted a Black Sabbath tape. Like I said, we were together but we weren’t exactly talking to each other. We were both hurt, each one of us with our own reasons. This was how broken our relationship was, there was only the love we felt for each other keeping us together and sometimes that isn’t enough. I don’t know many couples who would have survived to that pressure, but we wanted to hang on and we fought. After a couple of hours driving James turned his head to talk to me. “Steph, I am hungry. I’ll stop in the next diner so we can have lunch.” I nodded. He was the one driving, so I had to follow his lead. We stopped in a cozy diner 20 miles after. We sat by the window so we could see out car. I saw a gas station right next to the diner. “Do you still have gas?” I asked him. “I’m gonna use that one. We still have a bit but this way I avoid to stop soon. I am already tired of driving.” He complained. “I can drive a bit if you want.” I suggested. “You don’t mind?” He asked me, I just shook my head. At the same time the waitress was putting our plates filled with French fries and a cheese burger in front of us. Just when I saw the food I realized I was starving. I took the cheese burger in my hands and gave it a huge bite. James laughed. I looked up at him and I smiled shyly. It was wonderful to hear his laughter and see his smile, and he was smiling at me that was the most important thing. “I thought I was the one starving.” He told me. “The smell of the food woke me up for life.” I said. James grabbed a napkin and took it to the corner of my lips. I shivered a bit just from having him that close. “You had ketchup in there.” He said putting the napkin back on the table. “Thanks.” I told him. Then there was silence again. We had so many things to say to each other but we didn’t know where to begin, so we had our silent and awkward moments. Plus it is uncomfortable when you’re broken, and your relationship is breaking too and you don’t know if the effort you’re doing is going to be worth it. You don’t know if in the end that person is going to be by your side in a couple of weeks or months. You feel weak. And that was us, we didn’t know if that was going to work even though we both wanted it. We were weak, we were uncomfortable, it seemed like we didn’t know how to be together anymore. It seemed like we didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. When our lunch was finished we went to the gas station and filled our tank, then our journey continued. James blasted the radio against and I looked out at my window watching the landscape. Suddenly I felt a cozy sensation in my stomach, the landscape beginning to look like the place where I had grown up. I was heading home and I felt good. Hearing James singing out loud through the songs was also making me feel good, it looked like he was happy, only I knew he wasn’t. Out of the blue he took his hand to the radio and turned it off. I turned my head to look at him, he took his eyes off the road to looked at me too. “How do the pills make you feel Steph?” “Jamie…no…” I told him shaking my head. I didn’t want to go that way again. “I need to know. I need to understand what it does to you. How it makes you feel. Why you took it first place?” “I took them because I was not having the grades I expected and I wanted more. The pills make me feel like I own the world, I don’t feel tired, I almost don’t need to sleep, I memorize everything I read. I feel energetic, powerful and above all, I feel happy. It’s like I don’t have any problems and nothing can hit me.” I decided to tell him. I knew he must have been choking on this since last night. “It’s not a real happiness…” He said. His voice was trembling a bit. I wanted to caress him but I refrained myself from doing it. I didn’t know if he wanted me to touch him. Things were so weird. There was so much tension. I thought the tension would subside during the trip but it only increased. The more we approached LA, the more tense we were. “I know it’s not real, but at least during that time I protect myself from delusion, disappointment, pain. I don’t feel anything. And that’s what I liked, not feeling anything. I felt lonely, then I stopped feeling lonely, I didn’t miss you, I didn’t miss my parents and I was the best at college.” “Promise me I am not doing all this in vain.” He pleaded. “I need to know Steph. I am driving and it’s hammering in my head. Tell me this is worth it.” He said stopping the car a dn pulling over, so he could look straight into my eyes. There were tears again. “ I feel insecure about this and I don’t want to feel that way.” I raised a hand to clean his tears but then I strayed it. James closed his eyes at my gesture and inhaled, deeply hurt. “Please touch me.” He begged. “Why can’t you even touch me?” He asked me. “Because I don’t know if you want me to.” I said almost in a whisper. My voice failing. “I need to feel your touch Steph. I need to feel we’re in this together, so please touch me. Tell me we’re gonna be alright. Touch me….” He began to babble, his crying becoming heavier. “How have we become so far apart?” He finally said. I jumped on his neck. I couldn’t stand to see him that broken. I held him in my arms and patted his head while he cried all his despair out. He was broken into tiny little pieces just like I was and that was too much pressure for 20’s years old like we were, James was only 22 and I was 20 and we were going through major problems, and scared as hell. Finally, when he was calmer he strayed and raised his head at me. “I know I need to regain your trust but you also have to regain mine, now let’s get going. It’s getting late.” There we fell into silence again. That was us, with some rants and then falling into silence. We were lost and didn’t know how to deal with each other anymore. Finally around dinner time we arrived at my parent’s. They were very excited to see us only they didn’t have a clue how we were. “Jim…” My father said giving him a hug. Then my mother greeted him and both my parents held me close. It felt good to be there, that was for sure. James took our bags to my old room and then joined my father watching a football game. I went to the kitchen to help my mother with dinner. My mother was very observer and I caught her watching me and James in the living room before I met her for help. “Is everything alright between you two?” She asked me. I was cutting some vegetables and didn’t look back at her. I just nodded because I knew she was looking at me, then I saw her silhouette by my side. “Are you sure sweetie? He seemed nervous on the phone yesterday.” I felt my eyes water. I handed her the vegetables ready to cook and ran a hand through my eyes. “ I can see that is not.” She said. “You don’t want to talk about it?” “No mom, please I don’t.” “How bad is it?” She asked. “We came here trying to save our relationship.” I said cleaning the tears that were falling heavily now. My mother held me in her arms and didn’t make any more questions. During dinner James and I were silent, we were not talking to each other. There was not anger looks or anything, we just didn’t feel comfortable. Several times I caught my father watching us and exchanging glances with my mother. Soon my father made her a signal and they both went to the kitchen. I knew them, they were talking about us. James and I exchanged a few glances. “What are they doing?” James asked me. “Talking about us.” I said. He raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?” He asked. I just nodded. Then my parents came back into the living room carrying desert. They didn’t say a word and James and I began to communicate in silence finding it weird. I expected my parents to say something when they’d came back, only they didn’t. When we were all finished James got up and began to take the plates and I grabbed the glasses, there my parents stopped us. “No, no,no…you guys must be really tired. Go to your room and rest, maybe watch a movie or something.” My father said. I looked straight into James’s eyes and he shrugged at me. Resting our case we went upstairs. I changed to my pajamas and then I saw James looking out of the window watching his old house. I walked up to him and stood by his side. His eyes were looking at the exact spot where he was sat first time I talked to him. “You were sat there first time I talked to you.” I said trying to make a conversation. “You were a pain in the ass, I was trying to play and you kept interrupting me.” He said. Not looking at me or straying his eyes from the street. “I wanted to talk to you.” I continued. “Then I looked up at you and you had the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen.” He said, then he turned his head and looked at me. “You still do.” He walked away as he pronounced this words. I saw him grabbing his tooth brush and leave the room. I snuggled in bed. I watched him getting undressed when he came back, then he laid by my side. “Wanna watch a movie?” I asked him. “I am too tired, I think I want to sleep.” He said. “I am tired too.” I turned around to turn out the light. Only the moonlight was illuminating the room. I closed my eyes to sleep but his voice made me open them again. “You were wearing a Scottish skirt with black shoes and a black top.” He said. “You remember that?” I asked him turning around to him. I couldn’t see him well, only his silhouette. “I fell in love with you first time I saw you.” He said pulling a strand of my hair away. “Can I kiss you goodnight?” He asked. I raised my head a bit and kissed him. I felt his hand in my face caressing me. It was not a long kiss but it was tender. Then I turned around again to try to sleep. I felt the warmth of his body against mine and his arm around me. I dragged myself back a bit so I was leaned against him. We were trying, I was happy I was in bed cuddling with him, only one thing he didn’t know…I was beginning to crave for the pills. |
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| Lilith | January 18, 2012, 9:22 pm Post #148 |
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♥ Jaimelicious ♥
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Awww, James is so sweet! :3 They are working things out! Still, I worry for her...
Edited by Lilith, January 18, 2012, 10:21 pm.
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| Nah Bruno | January 18, 2012, 9:49 pm Post #149 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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I am just afraid from the last line... she needs to be in control of her addiction! |
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| Scorpion Flower | January 19, 2012, 8:17 am Post #150 |
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Outlaw Torn
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Soon I heard him breathing softly, he fell asleep almost instantly. I tried to sleep with everything I had. I closed and opened my eyes countless times and the rush of my blood was just getting stronger. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wanted my magic fix. I was feeling hot, like my whole body was burning and my head was a time bomb about to explode. It came to a point where I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I never thought I was that addicted. I opened my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I took a few deep breaths, seemed like my heart was going to jump out of my mouth at any time. I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling, counting in silence just trying to distract myself and thinking about something else. Only it was not just my head asking, my whole body was weird and craving for the perfect medicine that would put an end to all that rush. A couple of hours later I was tremendously sweating and my hands were beginning to shake. That’s how addicted I was. I was hangover like any other junkie. My skin was burning, I felt like I had fever and soon I felt like the room was spinning around. All I wanted was to sleep and calm down, but it never calms down, it only gets worse. In despair I got out of bed, gently not to wake James up and closed myself in the bathroom. I forgot to lock the door though. I raided the drawer where my parents kept the medicines looking for something that could, at least, ease my symptoms, what I wanted for real was a magic pill in that drawer but that was impossible, so anything that looked like it would be perfect. Finally I found some Vicodin, that would do, at least the pain in my legs would disappear. I opened the bottle and put a pill in my hand, just then the door opened. “Put that down Steph.” James said talking low and closing the door gently. “Jamie no, you don’t have a clue of how I am feeling.” I told him with my hands shaking. “Pretty bad I see, but you can’t cure an evil with another evil.” He took the pills and the bottle off my hands and put it back in the drawer. I began to cry and sat on the toilet. Sweating. Drops of sweat fell all over my body. James crouched in front of me and pulled my hair back. My hands still shaking and my legs beginning to shake too. “Look at you…” He said caressing my hair. “What are you feeling Steph?” He said. James was relatively calm. “My skin, it is so hot. It’s burning, my legs hurt and my head is spinning. I can’t stop thinking about having it. I can’t…I can’t…” I said shaking my head franticly and crying. “Please help me…make this go away. I am going crazy.” I pleaded. I began to feel too hot. I took my shirt off and leaned with my back against the wall. The wall was cold and it felt good. “This feels good.” I told him. James was a bit shocked looking at me but when he heard these last words, he got up and opened the water in the shower. He extended his hand at me, I took it. He held me close to his body and got under the cold water with me. I was in heaven. I relaxed clutched against his body with cold water running through my back. “Thank you.” I whispered. I was so far gone that I would never remember of doing that, and it was such a simple thing. Guess all it took was a sane mind and that wasn’t, definitely, mine. The temperature in my body began to stabilize. “Get out of here.” I told him seeing he was beginning to shiver in cold. His lips were almost violet but he was hanging in there just for me. “No.” He said. “I won’t leave you alone.” “Get out of the shower then.” I suggested. James took my advise. He got out of there and rolled himself in a towel drying himself up. He sat on the toilet watching me, I could be there forever but I had to give up too, my skin was about to wrinkle so I closed the water and he handed me a towel. “Feeling better?” He asked me. At least I felt fresh but obviously it’s not like everything disappears with a cold shower. I shook my head. “I can’t go back to bed.” I said. “Steph, I am tired.” He said. He looked tired indeed. “Why don’t you go back to bed. I think I’ll go outside for a bit or maybe drive around for a while.” I said. James raised an eyebrow. That was never a good thing. “Think I have idiot written on my forehead Steph? You grab the car, you go instantly to the neighborhood looking for drugs. And you even know the place, how hard would that be?” I looked at him incredulous. That in fact crossed my mind and I guess I was underestimating him. I looked down at me feet. “Wanna go outside, then let’s go. I’ll go with you.” He said. We stepped by our bedroom first to grab some clothes then we went downstairs and sat in lawn. My mouth began to dry, my lips were dehydrated. “I’m going to the kitchen to get some water. I’m thirsty.” I said getting up. James was determined not to leave me five seconds alone so he got up and followed me. I grabbed water and then some ice cubes and took it all back outside. “You don’t have to follow me around like that.” I complained. “No? First thing you did when you caught me sleeping was to look for Vicodin. If I distract myself you’ll run from the other door.” I rested my case. I could not blame him for doing that. He was just trying to protect me. I drank all the water and then began to suck on the ice cubes to keep my mouth and lips wet. The heat was coming back, I was beginning to sweat again. James grabbed my hair and blew in my neck to help me cope with that. It was freaking horrid that sensation. I cried again in despair. “See what you’ve done to yourself?” He said wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head. “You don’t know how hard it is for me to see you that way and not being able to help you.” I pushed him away with both my hands. “I am sorry, but I can’t be that close to you. It’s too hot.” James chuckled even though the circumstances were far from being funny. I gave him a smile because I knew where his mind was. “It’s not that.” I said. “I know. It was still funny though.” He said grabbing an ice cube. “Grab your hair.” He ordered me. I did as he said, I grabbed all my hair in my hand and pulled it up then he passed the ice cube around my neck. “Ooohh….” I moaned in delight. “Does it feel good?” He asked “Don’t stop.” I said. James chuckled again and I looked at him at the corner of my eye and smiled. “What?” He said smiling. “Nothing. I didn’t say a thing.” I pretended to be naïve. “At least we’re laughing.” He said shrugging. I took his hand off my neck and entwined his fingers in mine. His eyes dropped on our hands. “Thanks for doing this.” I told him. “I’d do anything for you Steph. Anything.” He said serious. Then he bent his head a bit over mine. I knew he was expecting me to kiss him but I didn’t move then he strayed. A sad look in his eyes. “Jamie…” I called him. “It’s ok Steph. If you don’t want to kiss me then don’t.” He said dryly throwing an ice cube far away. “Think you can go back to bed now?” He asked me getting up. I looked up at him still sat on the floor. The muscles in my legs trembling a bit and so were my hands. “I’m tired. I need to sleep. Are you coming?” At that point I felt like he was letting me go. He was setting me free. If I said I wanted to stay he’d let me stay. The fact that I didn’t kiss him hurt him. I got up decided not to pull his strings. We went back to the bedroom. He had that serious look again and was looking down. He undid his clothes without looking at me, I did the same and we both laid back. James laid on his back with his hands on the back of his head staring at the ceiling, his eyes sparkling a bit. I turned around to him trying to call his attention but he didn’t move. Then I leaned in my elbow and bent my head over his. I was going to kiss him but he turned his face to the other side. “I don’t need your pity.” He barked. “It’s not pity.” I told him taking a hand to his face and pulling it to me. “It’s not pity.” “It’s not? Because if you really wanted to do it you had the chance outside and you didn‘t even try.” “I didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I did it.” “I know you’re going to some rough time. But you have to make yourself a lot of questions to get your life straight and one of those questions is Do you love me? Do you want to stay with me?” “I love you.” I said. “Then fucking show me!” “I am showing! I am doing this for you.” I said beginning to speak loud. “Ok…you are…” He said taking a deep breath. “I am sorry if I am pressuring you too much but this is not easy for me either. I know you need your time now and maybe you can’t focus on other things. Only it’s hard to see you slipping between my fingers and I try to grab you and you keep slipping, if not for none reason then for another.” “You said you’d waited until I was ready, so please try to hang on.” I begged. “I know I said that, and that’s what I intend to do but I am human and I need your touch sometimes and you’re my girlfriend I wanna kiss and do other things too. I just need to feel I am wanted too, that’s all.” I began to tremble. He looked at me in disbelief and ran a hand to my hair. “You’re not even listening to me are you?” “I’m sorry, but it is hard to focus.” I said hoping he’d understand. “It’s ok babe.” He kissed my forehead and turned off the light. “Try to sleep.” He said. I tried not to move but I was trembling hard. Being there in silence and in the dark made my mind focus on the drugs again. I thought I was going crazy. After a while I called him again. “Jamie…are you sleeping?” “What is it?” He asked. “I can’t sleep. I am sorry but I can’t be here quiet. I am going insane.” James turned the light on again. “What do you want me to do Steph? “I don’t know. Talk to me, distract me.” I said shrugging. James sat on the bed and rubbed his face. “Oh God…” He whispered to himself. “Wanna stay here or go outside?” He asked turning his gaze to me. I looked at him and he looked exhausted. “We can stay here.” I said. “My legs are hurting so much.” I said rubbing them. “It’s your muscles that are tense.” He said. “Lay on your stomach.” I did as he asked me and he began to massage my legs. The pain began to subside and slowly began the trembles to disappear. I don’t know how long he had been there, but I felt myself falling asleep bit by bit. I remember to see the firsts rays of light through the window but then my eyes shut and I finally rested. |
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That slut!! Poor Steph... I hope she can find in her to trust him, but let's face it... there is no way she will... and jealousy is living hell.
I fear worse problems approach!
I wasn't expecting that. Man, I would have been so pissed if my bf went through my stuff. I hope he can help her with her addiction, and she doesn't sneak behind his back the moment he loosens his grip on her. 
8:38 PM Jul 10