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| A Taste of Eternity; Het, Baby James meets Stephanie... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: December 19, 2011, 4:35 pm (18,977 Views) | |
| Scorpion Flower | January 11, 2012, 12:32 pm Post #121 |
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Outlaw Torn
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I never, officially, told my parents that we were living together, I never came up to them and said “Mom, dad, James and I are living together.” but I guess they never did that formal announcement. They knew from the beginning that he was staying at the house I’ve rented and they knew I was going to join him once I was there and it was not like he was going out when I was there. They never said a word about it. We’ve had tough times starting our knew life. James was making little or none money with the band and I only had the money my parents used to send me to my bank account. With that, I had to pay the house expenses, our food and college stuff. Sometimes we had to cut on our food, just so you know how hard our beginning was. Once my parents realized what we were doing they began to send more money and still they didn’t say a thing. They knew James had no one to help him and so they decided to take him in too. Mrs. Preston was an old lady that lived in the apartment next to ours, she was very nice to us and never saying directly she knew we were going through major difficulties she sometimes knocked at our door in the evening and bring us dinner. We were so grateful to her. If you ask us if we were happy, we’d say we were. We were chasing our dreams and we had each other above all. Metallica was on the verge of becoming something big, I could tell back then. There was already a lot of people interested in them, sometimes people from other states appeared in the shows and it was only a matter of time until someone would come up to them for a record deal. James tried hard to find a job while that didn’t happen but we was unsuccessful. Dave, well things between them and Dave were ugly. Dave was totally lost in his addictions and his behavior was getting uglier and uglier each day. He’d pick up fights with everyone, once him and James really went at it. James came back home furious. I never talked to him again, since that night where he tried to ruin my relationship and time only served my purposes when I said Dave needed help and the kind of help none of us could give him. None of the guys were mature enough to give him that though and I knew one day things would end up badly for Dave. Sadly, I have to say, because I knew the day he’d be abandoned by his friends Dave would be a lost soul in this world, with no guidance or anyone to give him a helping hand. College, well, college was everything I expected and everything I didn’t expect. On the part I expected, I include my passion for medicine, it grew drastically once I began my studies. I knew instantly that it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Every time I stepped inside the college I was proud from being there and I loved all the knowledge I was getting. The part I didn’t expect goes with the fact that there, I wasn’t the best, I was nothing but the average student and I wasn’t used to that at all. I was used to be a straight A’s student, I was used to be the best at every subject. I was the one that even skipped a year in high school and went to an advanced level. I cried when I found the grades of the first semester, all B’s. I found myself struggling hard being the regular student. I found a new problem I didn’t know I had and that was bringing me a bit down. James was my strength, he was proud of me and kept giving me support and as long as I liked his words I never commented with him that my grades weren’t good enough, at least for me, for my straight A’s ego. I felt let down with myself and found myself countless times studying hard through the night trying to level up my grades. One day when I was studying hard at the beginning of the second semester for Biology James opened the door of our house with a huge grin and his eyes were shinning. “Steph!” He shouted. I knew even from the joy in his voice something really good had happened to him. In a normal time I would have smiled at him right away, but in my semi depression new condition I just raised my eyes off the book and looked at him expecting him to deliver the news. “What?” I asked. James began to jump around our living room like a child and that made me laugh. I laughed loud. “What happened? Tell me…” I thought he had found a job, that’s what crossed my mind but what he had to tell me was so much better than that. “We got a record deal!” He blurted, beginning to jump around again and smiling like I haven’t seen him doing in years. He was in ecstasy. I smiled at him and got up from the couch. “Oh my god Jamie!!” I told him surrounding his neck with my arms. I felt his arms around me and he kissed my lips eagerly. “Congratulations, that’s so awesome!” I wish I could have been even happier for him but clearly I was beginning my way down. “We have to go to New York though.” He said rather serious. I looked in his eyes. “It’s just a couple of weeks then I come back when the record is done.” He said. “Yeah…it’s ok.” I said. There I showed some sadness I am quite sure of that. Still some innocence in his words, he’d record and then he’d be back. None of us knew what that record would drag into our lives, especially his life because it changed everything. “Why are you sad Steph?” He asked me. I sat back on the couch. I wasn’t expecting that question. James sat by my side and tapped my leg. “And you’re not sad from today, you’ve been sad for quite a while, I have been doing all type of efforts to make you feel better and seems to me you’re getting worse everyday. Talk to me.” He begged. I looked down at my feet, I didn’t want to talk to him or anyone. I felt silly and I also thought that it was private. I also felt guilty that moment because I should be sharing a tremendous moment of happiness and victory with him and I couldn’t be happy enough for him. I felt I was a terrible girlfriend. “It’s nothing.” I said shyly. “No, Steph. It is something. Don’t lie to me because I know you well enough. You’ve been weird and sad. Is it because of the difficulties we’re having? Baby, maybe now things will get better for us. Maybe we’ll make some money with this record.” I began to shook my head and I felt tears falling down my face, then I felt his hand on my chin pulling me to look at him. James cleaned my tears with his hands and kissed my lips. “What is it? Tell me, because I need to know. You’re killing me with this and I don’t know what else to do to make you feel better. I tried everything.” Only there I had the notion how this was affecting him too. I spoke. “It’s my grades.” I said. “You have excellent grades.” I shook my head again. “No I don’t. At least for me I don’t. I was always the best and now I am not, I am like everyone in there and I don’t like that. It’s not disrespecting my collogues, that’s not it, but I am used to be better, to do better than that. And I don’t understand, I study hard, for long hours, I don’t fail a class and I can’ do better, it’s always a deception when a B appears in my grades.” “Steph, you are great, and this is college, things aren’t as simple as high school, and medicine I can only imagine how hard that is. You’re good and yes to be in there you have to be one of the best otherwise you wouldn’t be there. You have to be damn smart to get into that school and you did it. What in hell makes you think that you’re not now?” “Because I am not reaching my expectations.” “Babe, maybe your expectations were too high concerning what you’re studying. I bet there’s not even that many people getting B’s at everything. And you are, so what’s your point?” He was right in there, deep inside I knew he was, but my problem was, other people also being as good as I was, I didn’t know how to deal with that. Stupid, I can see that now, but back then, I tell you that was a major problem. “Ok, this is stupid.” I said resting my case and getting up from the couch. James grabbed my arm and pulled me to his lap. “No, this is not stupid. I can see that it’s getting into you. Steph, your grades for the course that you’re doing are excellent, Cliff is always praising how intelligent you are. Don’t do anything stupid so you can top your expectations.” I bent my head over his and kissed him softly. “I love you.” I whispered. “Me too. Wanna go for a walk? Just the two of us.” I smiled and nodded. I needed to spend some time with him. I closed my book and we left hand in hand. After walking for about 10 minutes around the neighborhood we settled in the park and sat on one of the benches near the lake. The night was pleasantly warm even though it was winter. “When are you going to New York?” I asked him. He chocked a bit. “That’s the thing...humm…” I raised an eyebrow at him. “We’re going on Saturday.” He finally blurted. “Already?” I asked surprised. “Do you know how long you’re gonna be there?” “Not long, I mean we have all the songs to record, so it shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks, then I will be back to you.” I nodded at him. What could I do, ask him not to go? Of course not, I had to go with that and agree. I didn’t feel like being alone, I didn’t know at that point how to be alone and away from him, but I also knew one day that would happen. “I wish you all the best Jamie.” I said snuggling against him. “Promise you’re not gonna let any of your rich and “doctor” friends to get close to you.” I giggled a bit. “You know all of them, it’s not like they’re gonna try to jump on my pants.” I told him. “Of course they will. Once I am gone, they’re gonna try.” “Promise you’ll stay away from girls.” I said. “I don’t know…” He began. I strayed and looked at him narrowing him my eyes, he continued. “You know how chicks dig a rockstar…” I narrowed my eyes even more and he began to laugh. “They can do pleasant stuff…” There I began to smack him and he laughed loud then he just grabbed my hands and pulled me to him for a kiss. “I only care about you. I’m gonna be dying to come home and missing you like crazy.” “I am happy for you. It might not seem so but I am. This is your dream and you’re getting there.” “We’re getting there, together, we’re getting there.” Then I remembered something. “You’re not gonna call the album “Metal up your ass” are you?” I asked serious. I hated that name so much and they kept telling that the day they’d recorded their first album they were gonna call him that. “Of course we are!” “You better think twice. Remember that now it might make sense but when you’re older you’re gonna regret it.” He laughed. “When I’m older, you’re gonna be there to say I told you so.” He said. “Metal up your ass is almost here.” He said with a grin. “Oh please…God forbids!” |
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| Voxx | January 11, 2012, 12:58 pm Post #122 |
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Aw poor Steph. I know exactly how she feels about school because I was the same way. Straight A student in high school and then my marks dropped first year of university; though I knew they would drop, it still sucked. She'll be fine though I can tell that she has the perseverance to go far!And I'm so glad that Dave will finally be gone soon and we'll get Kirk
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| Nah Bruno | January 11, 2012, 2:47 pm Post #123 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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I think things will get pretty crazy for Steph being James' girlfriend. We all know that the record will change everything |
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| Helvi | January 11, 2012, 6:01 pm Post #124 |
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Frantic
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Hahaha it was great! Still (and always) I feel bad for Dave... |
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| Scorpion Flower | January 12, 2012, 8:19 am Post #125 |
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Outlaw Torn
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Life for Metallica began with that record deal. In New York my predictions about Dave came true. They lost their grip and sent him home. Kirk was invited to join the band and as the band was already ready to be in studio he didn’t say no and went to New York right away. That was his chance to shine in the music industry, it was a good decision. I was mad at James when he told me they had dismissed Dave, not because they have done it but because of the way they did it. They just sent him home with money to catch a bus. Do you know how many days it takes from New York to LA? Not to mention they didn’t warn him or anything, they just woke him up and said he had to go. James heard bad stuff of me on the phone but then the band wasn’t my business and they were the members so they knew what was best. I never saw Dave again, not until a couple of years ago, but I thought about him a lot and I wished the best for him. Poor lost soul. The album was called “Kill’em all”, no one gave them permission to call it “Metal up ass”, I couldn’t be happier. They came back home for a show introducing their first and recent album. James threw a couple of records to the small audience, it was absolute madness. I got caught in the middle of a fight for one of the records. Chaos but they were perfect. They were proud of themselves and so was I. They deserved it. It cost me a lot to be alone at home during those weeks, I prayed every day for them to come back, or James to come back but what did I know? Nothing…They came back home indeed but not for long. After the release party at a small club in San Francisco, they were called to join a band on tour, it took long. Then they decided to record their second album and they did it in Denmark, on the other side of the Atlantic, They released their second album, Ride the Lightening in 1984, just a year after and then there was tour again. James was little time or none at home. I missed him deadly and there was nothing I could do. I thought we were going to grow apart, but we remained together. The little time he was with me everything was perfect. My feelings weren’t gone at all and he made me see that he felt the same way. James never missed a phone call, even though he hadn’t much money, he’d always find a way to call me. It didn’t matter in what part of the world he was, he’d call, even if it was just to say “Hello.”. Some things changed in him though, he was getting wilder, his drinking was getting heavier and Dave was no longer there. The adaptation when we came back home from touring was rough. He’d bring a lot of bad habits and he seemed to carry them on when he was already home and when he was about to get in the line he’d leave again. I began to feel insecure about women, as he was away all the time and also I’d hear many stories about bands being on tour and groupies. I didn’t know the meaning of this word back then, but I learned it in the most hardest way. He was alone too much time, they were young and had some relative fame already. I was afraid, but then James always ended up coming back to me, so I tried to remain calm. Me, alone in San Francisco, dealing with my own problems and insecurity was tough. James left me alone too much time, I didn’t have anyone to talk to, just my friends from college who had pretty much the same insecurity I did. During these two years, around 1985, I was in my second year of college, my ego still hadn’t subsided to the fact that it had to be perfect. To make things worse all my friends were like that, only one day they began to have perfect grades and I was still left behind. That was it for me, that was my end of the line. I came to them and asked them how they’ve done it. “It’s simple Steph.” Peter told me. “Do you know Mark?” I nodded at him. “Well he has these pills, that you take them the night before the exam and then you study and it’s perfect. Next day you come here and you remember everything.” See the danger? That was the secret and I found myself thinking about that. If that was the only way for me to get straight A’s then I would do it. I knew James would give me hell for that but he wasn’t there and what he didn’t know it wouldn’t hurt him. After giving it a thought, a long night of no sleep thinking, next day, after all my classes were finished I looked for that guy named Mark. We were on exams season, so I needed those to make my grades shine. I found the guy leaned against a pillar in a hidden area of the college’s building. “I need to talk to you.” I told him. The guy gave me a nasty smile. “Stephanie, don’t tell me you also want it.” He said. I nodded. “How much is it?” I asked him trying to do what I had to do with him fast. “10 bucks.” He answered me. I searched for my wallet and handed him the bill. In exchange he gave me a small bag with 4 white pills in it. I shivered a bit when I looked at it, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but my ego was taking advantage and that was the only solution. I walked around the neighborhood before I went home. Somehow I was also struggling with the fact I was going to take the magic pills. I would be faking my results, that’s how I saw it and I would be lying to James and my parents just to satisfy my greedy ego. I was studying medicine so I knew perfectly well what the pills were. Drugs…pure drugs. But you can always stop, can’t you? After walking for hours I came back home, I was starving, so I needed to have dinner and also I needed to study for the exam next day. When I was putting my keys in the door I heard my phone ringing. I dropped the books on the floor and ran for the phone as soon as I managed to open the door. “Hey princess.” I heard his voice on the other side. “Where were you? I called you several times already.” “Hi. I went for a walk after college. I needed to catch fresh air.” I said. He was so happy on the other side and I was just feeling guilty for doing what I was about to do. “What’s the matter Steph? Your voice sounds weird.” He said. He knew me so well, well, we knew each other so well, same way he could tell I was not fine by the tone of my voice, I also didn’t need to be there to know he was drunk already. He wasn’t slurring or anything, but there’s just this tone that I already knew. “I’m just tired, that’s all. I’m having exams so going for extra classes and study at the same time is tough.” I explained. I hated to lie to him. “Have you been studying through the night?” “Yes, I am exhausted.” “Look at the bright side babe, when your exams are over I’ll be home and we’ll be together.” Tears assaulted my eyes when I heard those words. I remained silent so he wouldn’t hear me cry. “Steph?” He called me. I took a deep breath and tried to stabilize my voice. “I’m here.” I said. “Definitely something is wrong and you’re not telling me.” He said. “Jamie, I swear to god I am fine. I am just really, really exhausted. I wish I could go to bed and I can’t, that is just it, I promise.” I tried, by all means, to relax him. “Ok..” He said. I knew his tone was not of a convinced person. “Look, I have to go, we’re leaving to the venue.” “Have a great show sweetie.” I told him. “I love you and I miss you.” “Me too. Can’t wait to have you here with me.” Then he hung up. I threw myself in the couch crying and sobbing. I was lying to the person I loved the most and risking ruining our relationship. I stood there for a while calming down, then I just went to the kitchen and prepared some toasts and milk. I took it to the round table and opened my Cytology books. I began to study. Long hours passed, I looked at the clock in one of the walls and it read 3 am. I tried to say out loud some of the notions I had to had in mind and then confirmed it if I was saying it correctly and I always missed some points that I considered important. Never satisfied, I surrendered. I looked at my purse that was on the couch and stopped, thinking, then I just got up and took the bag with the pills off it. I grabbed a glass of water and took one the pills in my hand and looked at it for a while still reluctant, then I stared at my books scattered on the table and I just threw the pill inside my mouth. I gulped the water and there I swallowed the pill. I sat on the couch for a while shocked at what I had just done and waited for some sort of weird effect. Nothing happened, after half an hour I was like I haven’t taken anything, but all my fatigue was gone. I felt energetic. I got up expecting to feel dizzy, don’t ask me why, but I expected to feel dizzy or sick, but I was cool. I smiled and came back to my books. I didn’t feel sleepy at all. I saw the sun rise and I was still studying and feeling perfectly fine. That night, my ego got the best out of me and my way down began. |
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| Helvi | January 12, 2012, 11:13 am Post #126 |
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Frantic
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Ugh... Drugs are evil, Steph don't do it!
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| Lilith | January 12, 2012, 2:29 pm Post #127 |
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♥ Jaimelicious ♥
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Oh, no! She got into the use of drugs to cope with medicine school. Man, that is so common. I hope she can deal with it. I like so much how you tell this story, the last chapter was adssaf, man! When i got married, and we only had the bedroom with furniture, there was a neighbor that once brought dinner to my husband a night I came so late. This makes me feel so melancholic. lol |
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| Nah Bruno | January 12, 2012, 10:50 pm Post #128 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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No, don't do it! Hope James is behaving himself, but I just hope Love it
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| Scorpion Flower | January 13, 2012, 7:12 am Post #129 |
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Outlaw Torn
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When you are on pills to reach your goals is never a good thing. I kept on taking them as my grades went just on top as I wanted. First semester was gone and second had just began, my greedy ego kept on asking for more and instead of just taking the damn pills when I was on exams I kept taking it just because it helped me study through the night, always get me energetic and it helped me memorize quite well what was talked during classes. I was on top again even though I was cheating. James came back some weeks before the semester began. He was so happy to be back home, and quite frankly so was I. But I was on another level and dimension. I was focused on my studies as I wanted to succeed so much and I didn’t know if I was giving him the attention he needed, plus while he slept through the night I’d be up studying and he didn’t know how I managed to do it. To have so little time of sleep and still be fresh. Our relationship was a bit weird. I kept asking myself what was happening between the two of us and James was fighting hard to keep things going between us. “Do you wanna come with me?” He asked me already dressed to go out and meet Cliff and his girlfriend at a club. I strayed my eyes of a book and looked up at him. He looked so cute. I knew I still loved him I just didn’t know what was making us go in different ways. Well, I had an idea, but I refused to accept it. I decided to fight for what I had with him and got up from the couch. “Yes, I’ll go with you.” I told him. He gave me that boyish smile of him that used to drive me crazy in seconds. How come I was letting that slip between my fingers? He’s all I’ve always wanted and now I was just pushing him away from me. Pushing him away from me just because of some freaking career I wanted. I saw him sat on the couch and grab my nook while I went to our room to get dressed. I’ve chosen a white dress and white sandals. I was now 20 years old and James 22, we had been together for nearly three years and I didn’t want to let go of him. I decided to fight for us that night. I put on some make up and ran a brush trough my hair. I studied my face in the mirror, I had huge black shadows under my eyes and I was terribly pale, not even the makeup was able to disguise that. I took a deep breath and all of a sudden I felt tired, I couldn’t be tired that night, so I went to my purse and swallowed a pill. I knew when I reached the club I would be fresh. I kept the pills in my purse because I knew it was a bout the only place where James wouldn’t look for something around the house. Even when he had to go there he’d always ask first, so I thought it was safe to keep it there, otherwise there would be the danger of him bumping into the small bag one day by chance. “I’m ready.” I said when I came back to the living room. James got up and smiled when he looked at me. “You look so pretty.” He said pulling me to him. I surrounded his waist with my arms and kissed his lips, then he grabbed my hand and we left. It was a small club near the river, it was the first time I was there. It was crowded as usual but we managed to find Cliff and Corinne sat at one table. Cliff waved at us when he saw us I waved back while walking. “Hey guys!” Cliff greeted us. James with a hand shake and me with two kisses. “How are you?” I asked him. With time I managed to develop this huge friendship with Cliff, he was like my older brother. We always had so many stuff to talk to and sometimes when I wanted to talk about something more personal, he was the one I ran to. Same with him and James, they become close and Cliff was someone James looked up to. I didn’t mind because Cliff was a great person, I thought he’d be a good influence on him. “I’m doing fine, a bit tired but fine.” I replied. “You look pale.” Corinne stated. “Because she barely sleeps at night. I don’t know how she stands it. She sleeps none or sometimes just two or three hours and she’s fine.” James shared the information with them, because it was something that I knew it concerned him. Various times he told me that and also told me to sleep. One night he just hid all my books so I couldn’t study, I freaked out a lot and almost hit him. He was trying to help me and me…I was just pushing him away. I saw Cliff looking at me weirdly after James’s comment, I strayed my gaze to another place ‘cause I couldn’t face his look. Cliff was smart. After dancing a bit with Corinne in the dance floor, I felt a bit tired and decided to catch some fresh air at the balcony. I saw James and Cliff talking from there. James looked sad and I my heart cracked, I also saw Cliff looking at me and when Corinne joined them Cliff got up. I knew he was coming to me and I wasn’t wrong. “Why are you here alone?” He asked me. “It’s too hot inside and I was dancing, I wanted some fresh hair.” I said. I tried to sound as reasonable and calm as possible. I knew he was a bout to pull out some serious conversation and maybe something I didn’t want to talk about. I watched James talking friendly to Corinne, they were laughing. “Does he get other girls while he’s on tour?” I asked Cliff. He was taking a drag of his cigarette and choked when I made him that question. I smiled. “What a stupid question, of course if he did you were not gonna tell me.” I said. “I would never lie to you Steph, you know that. I adore you, I could never lie. No ,he doesn’t get other girls. Come on, that guy over there loves you blindly.” I smiled at Cliff hearing his words. “Does that bothers you?” He asked me. I nodded. “Yeah, it crosses my mind a lot while I am here waiting for him, he’s with someone, and he’s fine with that because in the end he knows he has someone to come home to.” “He doesn’t have other girls Steph.” Cliff said firmly. “Is that why you’ve been so distant? Because you think he’s fucking other women and then you don’t feel cool to be with him.” I looked at Cliff with my eyes opened. “Don’t look at me that way. He’s been worried about you and he talks to me. He says you’re so distant since he came back. He feels sad. Is that it Steph?” “It’s also that, I’m not gonna deny it.” I said. “Also…which means there’s other reason.” Cliff studied my face. “How come you manage to stay up so many hours without sleeping?” He asked me. I instantly looked away. “Steph, be careful with what you’re doing. I am telling you this as a friend who likes you and respects you a lot.” “I’m not doing anything wrong.” I blurted. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. “I am not saying you are, but you might.” My dearest Cliff was such a smart guy. “Well, I won’t.” I said. “Now let’s change the subject, I know what I am doing.” “I hope you do. Promise me you talk to him?” “Yeah…” I said nodding but he wasn’t convinced. “Today Steph! He’s miserable and lost. He doesn’t know what to do with you and you don’t talk to him and he’s tried to do it.” Yes, James had tried to talk to me several times but I was always afraid our conversation would derailed so I just avoided it. Cliff gave me his hand and dragged me inside. My heart was crying with what he has told me about James talking to him. I sat by my boyfriend’s side and looked up at him. How could I be letting him go? I took a hand to his hair and pulled a strand off his face. James looked at me smiling. How long has it been since I last had caressed him like that? I couldn’t tell…The only thing I remembered lately was always him trying us to talk, him trying us to go out and have fun, him pulling me for a kiss, him pulling me to make love to him and never me. That moment those facts hit me . I could just wonder how he was feeling. “We need to talk.” I told him in his ear. I saw some fear in his eyes but I smiled at him to reassure the conversation wasn’t gonna be that bad, or at least, I didn’t want it to be that bad. “Do you want to go home?” He asked. I nodded at him. I really needed to get things straight with him. I drove my car in silence. James grabbed my hand and he was squeezing it a bit. I knew he was afraid of what I was going to tell him, he was nervous. I took his hand to my lips and kissed his fingers. “I love you.” I told him. James looked straight into my eyes. “Really Steph? Because lately it doesn’t seem like you do.” He told me with tears flickering in his eyes. That’s how hurt he was and that’s how fucked up I was. Not even realizing I was hurting my boyfriend. “We better have this conversation at home.” I told him looking back at the road. James didn’t stray his hand from mine and neither did I. We walked slowly into our house and then we just threw our bodies on the couch facing each other. We stood there for a few seconds in silence because none of us knew where to begin. Finally James broke the silence. “Steph, I was on the verge of packing my stuff and ask Lars’s to crash at his place.” I felt tears burning in my eyes instantly. “But…” He continued. “You told me in the car that you loved me and I am willing to listen to you. Do you know how long has it been since you last told me that?” I shook my head unable to speak. “Its been long, too long for what I am used to. You avoid me and I don’t know what’s going on and when I try to talk to you about it you simply say you have to study. You study all the time and it’s like I am not even here.” “You aren’t here most of the times. You were barely here for the past two years and now when you came back I thought we were going to have time for us but you arrived saying you were going on studio again, which means you’ll be away again and then comes the tour and I’ll be alone again. That’s not easy for me either.” I told him. “Is that what this is all about? Me being away? I know it’s hard, don’t think I am cool with all that. I miss you a lot when I am gone, but it’s my life and we need to find a way of making things work. We’re recording this album here so I won’t be away that much. I will be able to be home everyday.” “What about when you have to go on tour?” I asked him. James looked down at his feet in silence. “Yeah… I thought so.” I said almost whispering. My voice almost hurt me as it came out. “I don’t see a way in where we can make this work.” I said. There he looked back at me. His eyes shining and watered. “Are you breaking up then?” I shook my head. “No, I am not breaking up. I am trying to figure out how we can make things works between us because that’s what I want. I love you, it’s not like I stopped loving you but it’s damn hard and I don’t know how to deal with this. Sometimes I am here and something happens and I want you to be here with me and you’re not, it’s always someone else supporting me.” “Did you meet someone while I was gone. Someone that offered you more support and it’s confusing you?” He asked me looking straight into my eyes. “No, I haven’t met anyone that confused me in that way. It was just me being here alone all the time.” The truth was I wanted to tell him that I was fucking up my life terribly but I didn’t have the courage to do so. “That isn’t just it right’” He asked. “Me being away it’s not just what’s bothering you, I know that.” “I guess that drags all type of shit.” I clarified. “Women, my insecurities. Everything.” I said not touching the real deal of the thing. “You think I have other women?” He blurted. James moved closer to me and then grabbed my face within his hands. “Steph, I have no one else but you. I swear that’s the truth.” I looked into his eyes with a merciful look. “Look, when the record is done and we have to go on tour again it will be around summer time, you’re on holidays from school, you could come with us for a couple of months.” “Me? On tour?” I said surprised. I wasn’t expecting him to suggest that. “Yeah. I’d love you to be there. Our shows are a bit bigger now Steph and you haven’t had the opportunity to share that with me. We’ll be together longer and then you come back when you have to come back but some part of the tour is already done and it won’t cost us so much.” I thought that idea was sweet and it showed how much he wanted me to be part of his life and me being willing to accept his proposal showed me how much I loved that man and how guilty I felt for not being able to tell him I was on drugs and THAT was the real problem between us or the major problem that is. “Ok, I’ll go with you.” I said smiling. I felt his lips kissing me softly. “I love you.” He told me in that sweet tone of his. “Make love to me Steph, make love to me like you used to do it, when you made me feel like I was everything you wanted and needed.” His eyes begged me. His look were the mirror of his request. I straddled my legs and sat on his lap and I kissed him with all the love I felt for him. It was my all or nothing and I had to prove him, he belonged with me. We made love tenderly and there I felt the old me. The person that loved him unconditionally, the person that was free from addictions, the person that was clean. James represented what I couldn’t afford to lose, together with my medicine studies, how was I going to handle both I didn’t know, but that night I learned that I had more to fight for. If only he really knew what was wrong with me… |
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| Izzy | January 13, 2012, 3:40 pm Post #130 |
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Outlaw Torn
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She needs to tell James that she is on those pills, I worry about what could happen if she doesn't tell him soon.
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| Nah Bruno | January 13, 2012, 11:17 pm Post #131 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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She really needs to tell him, yes! And surprised me, in a good way, that he doesn't have other girls on tour!
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| Lilith | January 14, 2012, 5:15 am Post #132 |
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♥ Jaimelicious ♥
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I'm glad they got closer... but still things don't seem good if she keeps lying.
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| Scorpion Flower | January 14, 2012, 8:41 am Post #133 |
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Outlaw Torn
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Next morning Lars arrived early in our house to have a chat with James. I kept him company while James showered and when he was ready I was the one leaving them in the living and gone for my morning shower. I didn’t know what they were talking about but I could hear their voices from inside the room while I was getting dressed. I decided to give them more privacy and made my bed, when everything was ready I just walked up to the door to join them and that’s when I heard their conversation. I stayed still behind the door eavesdropping them. I knew what I was doing was an ugly thing but I was interested in what they were saying so I remained there. “You invited her to come on tour with us?” Lars told him. “What did you want me to do? She’s my girlfriend and we’re having a bad time. In two years I have been around just a couple of months, I can’t just be away from her life like that, I don’t want to be away from her life like that. I have a relationship man.” James argued. “So does Cliff and he’s not bringing his girlfriend with him, damn we all have girlfriends!” Lars exclaimed. “But we’re having a hard time, it’s a good way of trying to keep what we have. I don’t want to separate man! I love her! I have to fight for this, I have to do what’s best for me and her too.” “I don’t know man…I don’t know…” I could hear Lars walking around our living room, which meant he was nervous. “Touring is not a good place for her, we travel by bus, it’s not like we’re crashing in five stars hotels.” “You know she doesn’t care about that shit. Come on…you’ve known her for years.” James said. “Yeah, I know. But what about all the other things that go on the bus?” Lars asked. There I felt my body tense. What things? What was he talking about? I felt my blood rushing and I opened the door gently. “What things?” I asked them. James and Lars both looked back at me surprised. James rested his hands on his waist and looked down at his feet, Lars ran a hand through his hair nervously. I knew those things Lars meant were not a good thing right there by their reaction. “What things Jamie?” I insisted. James looked up at me with a merciful look, his eyes all watered. Seeing him that way I knew “the things” were really bad and I looked straight into his eyes with mine all watered as well. “I think you better leave us alone Lars, please.” Lars didn’t pronounce a word, he just nodded at me and left, not before give James a warning look, a look that meant “Be careful with what you’re telling her.” When I heard the door closing I walked up to James and stood right in front of him. He didn’t look at me. I cleaned my tears with both my hands and sat on the couch. “What was he talking about? What’s so bad that I can’t see?” I asked him. James began to shake his head. “No…” I said. “You’re telling me. He didn’t want me to go because of these things, I want to know what they are. I have the right to know what they are.” I said, not even caring I was talking too much and giving him hints that I had been listening to their conversation. I was getting nervous. James sat by my side. I waited until he spoke. I made him a couple of questions so he had to be the one breaking the loud silence that was installed in our living room. “Steph…” He began and then took a deep breath. I knew he was going to tell me something bad but I tried to remain calm. “What he meant is that being on tour is not a good place for us to take our girls because there are not great conditions.” “You’re lying to me.” I blurted. “You’re lying, you know I have an idea about that, I know that we’re not staying at the Ritz, I know you guys travel by bus and sleep on bunks, so you’re lying, that’s not an excuse. You better tell me the truth.” I told him. “The bus is not a good place for our girls because bad things happen in there.” He tried to begin. “What bad things?” I asked, completely pressuring him. “There’s a lot of drugs, there’s a lot of booze.” He said. “Drugs?” I asked surprised. I knew I was not the right person to judge on that part but I always thought they were against drugs after what they have seen what it could do to a person through Dave’s example. “You do drugs?” “No, I don’t. You know how I am against it, so I don’t. It’s not my thing. I drink a lot though. I drink in the quantities you hate because they are all drinking and high and I want to fit in.” “And what else?” I asked. I kept on pressuring him, I knew there was something more and that was the hardest part. James shook his head vigorously. “No Steph…don’t do this…” He begged with his eyes filled with tears. I felt mine rolling down my face. “It’s women isn’t it?” I shot at him. “It’s women and that’s why it’s not a good idea to take the girls there, because if one of us find out, we’ll spread the word and all your relationships go down the gutter, not to mention if we go with you, where’s the fun?” He cried in silence hearing my words. I knew I was right at the point. “I never did anything with those girls Steph.” He said. “Jamie, please…” I pleaded getting up and crouching in front of him. “How do you expect me to believe in that. The others take girls inside the bus and they have a party with them and you think I believe you are left outside of this? I can’t…” I told him. “I never did anything to them. I never kissed any of these girls or have had actual sex with them.” He explained himself the best he could. I was feeling dizzy with the conversation but at the same time I had to give him the credits for admitting such sordid details. He was trying to be honest with me even though he knew that would wound our relationship tremendously. “What do you mean by actual sex?” I asked him. I wanted every detail to be clear so I’d find a way to deal with that. “I never fucked any of them but I let them do things to me.” He said. I felt so dizzy I sat back on the floor and looked at him in disbelief. “Oh…” I gasped. I looked away from him trying to think. So he lets women pleasure him and he thought that was ok? “That’s still cheating.” I finally said. “If you let other woman pleasure you, and I don’t want the fucking details how they do it because I am pretty sure I got the picture, it’s cheating! Yesterday I asked you and you swore you didn’t have other women and that you loved me.” “And I do! It’s just that is so damn hard to be out there in that jungle and say no. I am so drunk most of the times that I don’t even feel a thing.” I got up fast from the floor. “You don’t feel a thing for me!! You’re drunk and you forget all about me! Because when it comes up for these women you know perfectly well how you feel. You want cheap pleasure and you forget all about us for some bitch sucking your dick until you come! You betray us for cheap pleasure!” I shouted at him. He didn’t answer me. He knew I was right. “Please forgive me.” He said. I shook my head at him slowly, but I was just trying to put some order in my ideas. “Right now I need to go out and think. I need to clear my mind.” I told him, not shouting, not crying or anything. All of a sudden I felt a void of reactions. I went to my room and picked up my purse. When I came back on the living room he was with his head buried between his knees. “I’m going out for a bit.” I warned him. When I was about to reach the door he grabbed me from the behind. I stopped walking and didn’t fight. Seeing I wasn’t struggling he placed himself in front of me. His face wet from the tears and his eyes red. “Steph, please, stay here, let’s talk this out.” He said. “We’ll talk this out later, right now believe me it’s better if I go out and take a walk. First I need to process everything you just told me and then we’ll talk.” He just nodded and strayed from the door. I opened it and shut it behind me. I began to ran until I was in the park and sat on a bench crying. I was hurt. There I knew the meaning of the word groupie, still it hurt as a motherfucker. I stayed in the park until my tears subsided. A lot of people passed by me and looked at me but I didn’t care, I was hurting too much. That was too much for me to handle with just 20 years old. My life with him ran through my mind, all our moments together, all the things we had been though and I was still far from reaching a conclusion. I didn’t know if I could forgive him but then I also had a secret. I also had my dark stuff kept inside and I didn’t want him to find out. So, was I right to judge him? I was far from being perfect as well. Finally when I had no more tears to cry and my eyes were sore, I went to Cliff. “Is Cliff here?” I asked Corinne with my hands shoved in the pockets of my jeans and looking down at my feet. “Yeah, is everything alright?” She asked me. I nodded at her but never looking up at her. She didn’t make any more questions and went inside to call Cliff. “Steph!” He exclaimed when he saw me, I looked up at him and he opened his eyes at me when he saw my painful look. “I’ll be right back.” He shouted at his girlfriend closing the door behind him. He didn’t make any questions until we reached the park I had been before. We sat on the grass and then he grabbed my hand. “Why did you lie to me? Why did you say he hadn’t had other girls on tour?” I asked him. “How do you know?” He asked back. “He confessed it!” I said. I wasn’t mad at Cliff, I couldn’t be mad at him, I knew when I had made him the question the previous night, he would never say James had other girls because it was not his task to do it and because James was a friend of his. “He did?” Cliff asked back. I nodded. “What are you going to do?” “I don’t know…” I whispered. “You’re thinking about forgiving him aren’t you?” I shrugged. I didn’t know what to tell him. “I don’t know if I can.” I said. “Yes you can. If you couldn’t you wouldn’t be dwelling on this, you knew exactly what to do. We all make mistakes Steph, we’re not perfect human beings. We regret it.” “How can you do this to Corinne when you say so many times you love her?” I needed to understand. I needed to hear an explanation that made sense to me, to understand James’s point in this. “You’re not gonna tell her right?” Cliff asked me. I shook my head. I knew it was not my duty to do so. “I love her Steph, and I really meant it when I say so, but if you only knew how hard it is to resist going wild on tour. They rubbed all type of shit in our faces and we’re stupid enough to take it all. It’s like it’s part of being in a band.” “I don’t want that for me. I don’t want to share my boyfriend with the world just because it’s part of being in a band. Fuck the band! I want more from life. I want respect and someone who can respect me.” “You’re also hiding stuff from him Steph.” He said. I looked at him shocked. “I know, I am not stupid. You’re on drugs, otherwise how would you manage to sleep little hours and always be perfect? I don’t know what you’re using but I know you’re using something. How do you think that would make him feel?” I felt like crawling into a hole. “You’re out of your mind! I’m certainly not on drugs.” I exclaimed. “You can deny it as many times as you want. My warning yesterday serves today’s purpose. Don’t judge him right away. Try to understand his reasons, try to find something to hold on to. I know you love him, so try to hold on to that and listen to him. You are also making mistakes, I bet he’d listen to you. In a certain way you’re also cheating on him.” I didn’t have words to argue with what Cliff had just told me. Different cases but it was still true. “I know this is not an easy thing to deal with, but put your heart in this and I don’t know…gosh…this is hard and insane.” He said. “How am I supposed to make love to him from now on? How am I supposed to kiss him? How am I supposed to feel when he goes on tour? How am I supposed to trust him?” So many questions in my head… “I don’t know. Only you can figure out the answers. It’s your relationship so you’re the best person to find the answers. I know you’re hurt and confused but you have the final word.” “I need time to think.” I said. “I need time…” “Seems reasonable.” He said rubbing the back of my shoulders. “Now, Steph, back to you…” I shook my head at him. I didn’t want to listen. “You need to listen. You’re about to destroy your life! Drugs are a motherfucker that deceive you, the good time you think you’re having is an illusion, you’ll get addicted. Can you see what happens if he finds out? “ I shivered at the thought. I would be ruined. We would be ruined. “I think I need to go back home. I was away all day and it’s getting dark.” I said getting up and clearly avoiding the subject. “At least think about what I told you.” Cliff said. I came back home calmer. I still didn’t know what to do. When I opened the door, the house was silent. The counter of our kitchenette filled with beer cans. James was not in the living room, I opened the door of our bedroom and he was passed out on our bed with more beer all over the floor. I sat at the edge of the bed and strayed his long blond hair off his face gently and I felt like I wanted to stay there caressing him. I felt I was willing to forgive him but my pride was telling me not to do it. I had to go with my heart right? My heart belonged to him, only it was shattered into a million pieces. |
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| Voxx | January 15, 2012, 2:23 pm Post #134 |
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Ahh, I knew it was too good to be true. I knew James wouldn't have been able to resist the girls on the road. I just love how he thinks that getting a blowjob doesn't constitute cheating! So typically male. More please??
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| Lilith | January 15, 2012, 5:10 pm Post #135 |
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♥ Jaimelicious ♥
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;_; Yeah... it had to happen. Even if he claims he has no sex with them.
I loved this. Poor Steph...
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I can tell that she has the perseverance to go far!


8:38 PM Jul 10