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At Tragic Heights; NEW! James/OFC short story...sequel to Firewalking and HYBTB
Topic Started: March 8, 2012, 3:23 pm (8,485 Views)
Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Shayniz21
April 5, 2012, 9:06 pm
I love your posts Lilith they are so insightful!!!
:3 Thanks! lol it's just that for a weird reason I feel her. lol

I want to kick his ass... who is the one who isn't listening? Who isn't giving in? :angry I wouldn't blame her if she took her things and leave... explanation my ass! Who is being childish?

She might be resented, aggressive and challenging, but her actions have much more coherence than his. Of course we know he acts like this because he is still resented, and scared and as hurt and scared, and probably still in love as she is. But he has no respect for her at all.
Edited by Lilith, April 6, 2012, 5:55 pm.
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Scorpion Flower
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Outlaw Torn
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Oh Alma... :lol: I never expected someone to be on her side in this... :P

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Lilith
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Scorpion Flower
April 6, 2012, 5:12 pm
Oh Alma... :lol: I never expected someone to be on her side in this... :P

It is very likely I'm a defender of lost causes! :P
Edited by Lilith, April 6, 2012, 5:51 pm.
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Shayniz21
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Poor Twisted Me
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Lilith
April 6, 2012, 1:24 pm
Shayniz21
April 5, 2012, 9:06 pm
I love your posts Lilith they are so insightful!!!
:3 Thanks! lol it's just that for a weird reason I feel her. lol

I want to kick his ass... who is the one who isn't listening? Who isn't giving in? :angry I wouldn't blame her if she took her things and leave... explanation my ass! Who is being childish?

She might be resented, aggressive and challenging, but her actions have much more coherence than his. Of course we know he acts like this because he is still resented, and scared and as hurt and scared, and probably still in love as she is. But he has no respect for her at all.
I couldn't agree more. I couldn't believe he played with her like that. It was just low and a huge slap in the face.
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Scorpion Flower
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The rest of the week went calm. James didn’t call at all and I made peace with myself, not that I still didn’t feel humiliated, I did, but the least that was fading a bit off my memory. Plus, I began to think a lot about our situation, since I had the time to do it. I concluded that at some point James was right, I was being immature and maybe have been immature as well during the short period of our relationship. I realized I had made a lot of mistakes, childish ones, not being able to give him what he needed nor what he expected. He was much older, had had more experience than I did, he was much more ready to commit than I was, despite the fact that I loved him deeply. Mark was my age, so our life style was the same, our goals, our way of being young was the same, and while with James, he was a step up in what a relationship concerned. Being with Mark was just being with Mark, we knew one day we would be fully grown, but James, James was already fully grown, he had been married, he had had kids, so he wanted stability, and my immaturity failed to notice that, so I made mistake after mistake, being the biggest one, was not trusting him.

Aware of that, and aware that I could no longer use Mara to hurt him at some point, though I never felt like I was doing it, I had decided to allow him to be near me during the visits to the doctor. Since trust had been something I hadn’t been able to give him, I had to start giving it to him at that point. I had to believe in him when he said he was going to love the baby, and if I cut him out, I would also be shortening that possibility. Motherhood was changing me on that aspect. I could no longer think just about myself, I had to think about Mara, and it would be good for her to have her father around. So, the next week when I came back to work, first thing I did was to talk to Frank.

“Frank…” I called him opening the door gently.

“Nadia, how are you feeling?” He asked offering me a smile.

“Everything is fine. Look…I want to talk to you about something. Last week James asked to be at the doctor with me, remember?” Frank nodded. “Well, I want to change that from my initial no, to a yes. I agree.”

“Really?”

“Yes. If he says he can love her then I have to believe him. It’s the best.” I said.

“What made you change your mind if you don’t mind me asking.”

“A couple of thinking, a great dose of thinking. Mainly because I love my daughter and I want her to be happy and loved. Even if her mother and her father are not together, she can have the love of both of us. Given that, and for that to happen, I have to allow James to be around, I have to let him connect to her some way, and for now the doctor’s and sonograms are all that is possible.”

“Just that?”

“And because I love him too…” I whispered. “I cannot stand hurting him anymore. Not that I ever done that on purpose, but I know I did. I know that even if he didn’t want this baby and was rude and arrogant in the beginning, he’s trying now to mend that. I also have to give him a chance.”

“That’s a great decision Nadia, for the sake of you three.”

“The next appointment is on the 26th. Then I will be telling you when the others will be and you inform him.” I said getting up.

“Don’t you prefer to do that yourself?”

“No…” I simply said. “I want to keep this with some rules, so I don’t forget where I stand in all this.”

“You’re doing the right thing Nadia.” Frank supported me.

“I know…” I closed the door.

I don’t know if Frank talked to James during that day. I didn’t ask, I simply did my job and carried on, or I tried to. Truth was I felt lonely and torn apart. More and more I acknowledged how much I loved Mara’s father and how hard all that was being for me. I knew I had to let him go. At the bus that day, feeling extremely tired, I heard his words “not feeling…” loud in my head. I guessed that said it all, he had stopped because he didn’t feel the same way about me, he didn’t love me anymore, and I had to let him go, no matter what.

I entered the building of where I lived almost dragging my feet, the belly was getting too heavy, it was harder every day to go to work and then spend almost an hour in a bus, not to mention standing while waiting for it. My kidneys killed me every day. I greeted the security good evening and made it straight to the elevator and pushed the button.

“Miss Winston?” I heard him call my name and I turned my head to look at him. “I have a envelope for you.” He said with a brown thing in his hands. Dragging my feet again I walked up to him and offered him my exhausted smile.

Already in the elevator I opened it to find some keys inside and there was a note:

“Nadia,
These are the keys to a car that is in the garage for you to use. Don’t even try to argue about it, I won’t take anymore of your shit. You’re pregnant, you need something safer.
James”

I put it all back inside and then rested the envelope on my phone table already inside my house. I wouldn’t argue, I was so tired of arguing and even more tired from the crazy bus back home that I felt that was a given from heaven. I wasn’t sure if I could drive around town, I could go everywhere by then on bus but I wasn’t sure if I was capable to do it by car, but mentally thanked him for his generosity.

Later that night, when I snuggled all alone on the couch watching TV and tears were falling down my face from sadness, my cell vibrated with a text message. I reached out to grab it on the coffee table and pressed green to read it.

“Thanks.” James.

I held the cell in my hands for a couple of minutes feeling all the despair running in my veins and yelling in my head. I felt the need to hear his voice, to have his arms around me, but I couldn’t have any of that. I wanted to call him and tell him how much I loved him, but I had done that already and it didn’t change a thing. He didn’t care…As hard as it was being to me, I had to look at James as just being the father of my daughter and train my heart not to love him and to forget him. Forgetting all that my heart wanted to tell him, I replied to his message simply saying: “It’s ok, no need to thank me. That was the right thing to do.”

I put the cell back to its previous place thinking we were done, but the cell vibrated right after. “Are you alright?” He asked me. “Everything is fine. I forgot to thank you for the car.” James texted me again. “No need to thank me. I do hope everything is fine with you.” My sadness level was such, that I had to relief with someone. “I feel lonely.” I pressed send. “Why?” James asked me. “I don’t know. I just need someone to tell me that everything is gonna be alright, and there’s no one around.” There I was, letting it all out with the person I wanted distance from, the cause of my loneliness and my sadness, the irony of destiny.

“Everything is gonna be alright.” James texted right after, which caused me to smile. “Goodnight.” I sent him. “Goodnight. Go to bed, it’s late and you need to rest.” That was the last text we exchanged.

On the 26 we saw each other. We hadn’t even talked during that period of time and James was already at the hospital waiting for me. The moment he saw me arriving he got up from the chair to greet me.

“Hi.” He said.

It felt a bit weird to be in front of him again, after what he had done to me in the apartment, but I faced him and tried to smile. “Hi.” I said.

“Are you ok?” James was trying to make conversation.

“Yes. I am fine. Thanks for everything you have been doing. I guess I never thanked you.”

“That’s my job.” He said. Then he stared at me silently. “Are you still feeling bad about what happened?”

“Oh no James…I don’t wanna talk about that…” I said immediately. “We’re here with one purpose and let’s stick to that.”

“I don’t want you to feel bad Nadia. It’s not exactly what you think it was.”

“You don’t know what I think.”

“I have a clue.” Suddenly I was saved by the bell as the nurse called us in. I was glad, last thing I wanted was to discuss the subject again with him. Facing him was already being hard, it all came to a vivid memory, let alone discuss it with him. I didn’t understand him…

The doctor greeted us and began her check up right away. The usual procedure, first she checked me up and then she called James so he could follow Mara. Either I was calmer and saner or he seemed much more relaxed. He was paying attention for real, still not shinning eyes as the usual father but he showed interest as the doctor explained what she was seeing. James didn’t seem absent as usual, he was there, and that made my heart come to a rest. I saw he would love Mara, and that made me happy.

Already sat at her desk, and with each one of us staring at her in silence, we watched the doctor writing notes in my file. I thought she had written more than usual and that got me a bit concerned. Finally she looked at both of us and smiled sympathetically.

“I guess I had already told you this Nadia, but you can’t deliver your baby girl naturally. She didn’t turn around, she’s not in birth position. We need to do a cesarean. Now what I suggest is that since we have to do that, we could arrange a date, where I know it won’t be a danger for your baby and we do it. There’s no need to go into labor and have pain. What do you say?”

I stared at the doctor in panic from being faced with labor. “What do you want to do Nadia? I mean, you still have time to think about this, you have at least 6 weeks more.”

“I don’t know!” I said feeling my heart beating fast. Thinking about the labor made me nervous, I was afraid of it, terribly afraid.

“It’s better if you take your doctor’s suggestion.” James told me. It was time to stare again, but at James, amazed he was actually participating in the discussion.

“Yeah…I guess so…” I finally said but not sure if I was agreeing.

“It will be much easier.” The doctor added.

James and I left when everything was complete. We kept each other’s company since we had the car in the same parking lot. We got near his first and it was time to say goodbye.

“It’s gonna be alright.” He said rubbing my arm in support.

“I am afraid, I confess.” I felt vulnerable and so fragile that moment. Maybe it was the hormones, or just the anxiety to have Mara in my arms.

“Don’t be, everything is going to fine.”

“I’m gonna be there alone.”

“No, I will be there with you.” He announced. I stared at him one more time that day.
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Shayniz21
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Poor Twisted Me
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This is just so heartbreaking.........because I can relate :( I know what she is going through. She has matured a little and shes trying to move on but James being there is hard. Now I feel for Nadia.....
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Some_Kind_Of_Monster
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☠ (R.I.P) † Return Is Possible †
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Finally!!!
Thay will be good!!! The time is difficult but now can be only better, I think :)

:heart:
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cmania
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Frantic
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Lets start the more mature nadia :)
Very good,really i thought there isn´t any hope for that litlle girl
Well i like her i can´t say i´m against her she´s just protecting to don´t have more suffer
And james is melting ,very slowly but he is right ?
I have hope :biggrin
Keep writting i love you´re fics :heart:
luv ya scorpion

more i read what i write more i think my english is getting worse
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

I wasn't expecting things to go better, but, lol, I guess when things get that bad, they can only get better. I'm proud of Nadia, lol She's being brave.
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Metallica 4 Life!
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Poor Twisted Me
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" I heard his words "not feeling"...loud in my head. I guessed that said it all, he had stopped because he didn't feel the same way about me, he didn't love me anymore, and I had to let him go, no matter what."

OH nadia....you can't be much farther from the truth... :biggrin
I bet he still loves her to death..at least I hope :blink:

Can't wait for the next update!!!
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Scorpion Flower
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Six weeks flew fast, faster than I was prepared for…

I found myself in hospital getting ready for the surgery to deliver my daughter almost with a blink of an eye and despite my fear I wasn’t there alone. James, as he promised, and my parents were there with me, but that revealed to be a hard task for me. My father, who had talked to James when they had visited me in San Francisco, kept eyeing him suspiciously, like he was some type of criminal, and James, though trying to deal with it, was feeling uncomfortable. I knew every moment in there was being hard to him, with Mara being be born, the baby he didn’t want and my father judging him mentally, James had his mind crushed and the way he puffed and paced around the bedroom impatiently showed that.

When the doctor came to take me to the ER, my parents kissed my forehead and James began his way with me. Not a word was shared, between me and him nor between him and my parents. I hoped that would be a happy day for me, but the air was too thin to breathe. I almost thought it had been a mistake to put them all together in a room, as it only increased my anxiety. As it wouldn’t be enough having to deal with a labor, I also had to deal with the hostility my father threw at James every second he looked at him. Knowing James is short patient, I thought at one time that he was going to explode, but he held it all together.

“It’s gonna be alright.” He said.

“Thanks for holding on.” I told him. James gave me a smile.

“Your old man wants to kill me.”

“Let him be. He’s just too overprotective, always have been.” Surprisingly, James bent over me and kissed my forehead when our ways had to separate.

“I’ll be watching from there.” He said pointing at some glassed space. I just nodded, my heart was just racing too much to give him a coherent response.

Already in the ER I chose to be put down to sleep, to which the anesthetist agreed since I was too nervous, and once the liquid was poured in my catheter there was not much I could tell. My eyes closed instants after and I shut down to the world.

I woke up hours later feeling dizzy and terribly thirsty, but fully aware my baby was no longer inside of me and anxious to see her. As I opened my eyes, I realized it was already dark, because I could see the darkness of night through the window near my bed. Then I felt my mother’s hand in mine.

“How are you feeling?” She asked me with a sweet smile.

“I am thirsty.” I complained feeling my mouth too dry. My mother gave me a glass of water that I gulped in seconds. James wasn’t there anymore.

“Do you want to see her?” She asked me then. “Your father almost cried, he’s gone to your place, he was feeling tired. She’s so beautiful.” My eyes watered as my mother spoke about my little princess and my head nodded, I wanted to see her and hold her.

I saw my mother walk until the tiny crib that was a few meters away from me, and then she raised a tiny thing of it, making my tears fall down instantly. I was seeing Mara for the first time. Her little eyes opened as she had her sleep disturbed and she cried a little, but the moment she was put in my arms and I held her close against me she stopped. Her eyes were light blue, I could see as she stared at nothing. Her little hands were clenched as if she was still inside my belly. I bent over her and kissed her forehead, her baby smell intoxicated me in a very good way, and for the first time I experienced for real mother’s love. I already loved her but that very moment when I held her in my arms, everything was so real, and so overwhelming.

“Her hair is blond.” I commented, she got that from her father, since mine was black. Then James occupied my thoughts that moment as I watched her. Even if he refused to be her father, there was no way he couldn’t tell she wasn’t his. Her hair, nose and lips were his. Mara looked like him. “She looks like her father.” I said.

“I also noticed that.” My mother said sitting on my bed. Then I looked at her.

“Is he gone?” I asked.

“He was gone shortly after she was born.” She informed me. My heart ached acknowledging he didn’t want to stay more with her.

“Did he even hold her?”

My mother nodded. “He was the one bringing her to us.”

“How did he look?” I asked curious.

“You mean if he was glittering, smiling and happy?” I shrugged at her question. I wouldn’t say happy, I knew perfectly well he wasn’t happy about her, but I hoped the moment he held her that something like that would happen.

“He was normal Nadia. “

“Normal?” I insisted. My mother put her gaze on the floor, sadly.

“There was not the father’s love in there. Maybe some tenderness, but he wasn’t glowing. He put her in our arms and then left, didn’t look back at her.”

“Oh…” I exclaimed truly disappointed. I looked down at my daughter and wondered how he couldn’t be surrendered to her beauty and sweetness.

“You have to give him some time.”

“She’s so amazing. How can’t he be touched by it? It’s his own blood.”

“Don’t dwell on that. He’s trying, he was here. He has another fight now, that she’s here for real. She was just shoved on his face a couple of hours ago. When she was in your belly it was like she didn’t exist yet, now…” I nodded understanding what my mother was saying, but in my head I’d thought he had to fall in love with her at first sight, just like I did.

“So, he just came here, dropped her and left?” I asked just to be sure and my mother nodded silently. “It’s ok…he’s the one missing…” I said smiling down at Mara who had fallen asleep meanwhile. Watching her I found a new priority in my life, a life that would depend on me for everything and I could not fail her, and wished her father would not fail her as well, at least, after the moment she would be old enough to understand.

My mother left the hospital a couple of hours later with instructions to grab a cab back to my apartment and after feeding Mara for the first time, I fell into deep sleep again. The nurse took her away, so I could rest, as the anesthesia was still imposing me its effects.

The next day I woke up in the middle of the morning and the nurse brought Mara back near me. My parents weren’t there but they have called me, saying they would go there in the afternoon and James showed up almost around lunch time. He crossed the room without looking at Mara who was sleeping in the crib, he came directly to me.

“Hi. How are you feeling?” He asked me with his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans.

“I am in pain, but just a bit.” I said.

“It’s normal, you had a surgery.”

I couldn’t ignore the fact that not even once he looked at our daughter, and that was hurting me inside but I refrained from saying anything. Then he grabbed some paper that he had in the pocket of his jacket and handed it to me.

I unfolded it and read birth certificate. It was Mara’s registration, then it had my name, but my eyes traveled onto the father’s name, and his name was on it. Mara Winston Hetfield, then all the details of her birth. He had given her his name, at least, in the paper and according to the law, Mara had a father. I looked up at him and James shrugged.

“I think it’s all legal now.” He said. Legal? So he thought putting his name down in a paper was enough?

“Yeah…” I simply said biting my tongue not to yell at him who was in the room for twenty minutes and not even once he approached his daughter’s crib. Then Mara started to cry. “Can you please hold her?” I asked him as he didn’t move. James stiffed but he went there without saying a word and held her up, but the next thing he did was just to bring her to me.

“Here.” He said putting her in my arms.

I held her tight and rocked her a bit to calm her down, something he could have done himself, but instead he just brought her. My mother was right, there was no affection, or the least, I couldn’t spot it. He didn’t ask if she slept alright, if after all the exams were ok. Nothing. He went there to talk to me and just pretended she didn’t exist, if it wasn’t for her crying that made him acknowledge her presence. Not even while I held her he showed curiosity to peek, to look at her.

“Do you even know what color are her eyes?” I asked him as in some sort of attack.

“Blue.” He said dryly.

“Don’t you even want to hold her?” I attacked him again, and he ran a hand through his hair, he didn’t say anything. “Aren’t you curious to look at her? She looks like you…” I said trying to stir him up.

“Nadia…” He said.

“So you give her your name but you just don’t care about her?”

“Don’t attack me!”

“Ok…” I said raising a hand in peace. “I won’t…but it hurts me you know…you can’t just ask me to see all this and remain shut. Damn…she’s yours! Blood of your blood!”

Our conversation was put to an end as my parents arrived. Like two normal human beings they ran first to their granddaughter than to me. She was the star of the family now, everyone’s star but her father’s. James watched the whole scene from the back and I could feel him more and more tense as my parents baby talked. Finally he said his goodbyes, even kissed my forehead but didn’t look at Mara. He went away just the way he got in. Ignoring his little girl.

It was like that every day I had to stay in the hospital, he would go there but he didn’t hold her nor did he look at her. Despite all that, when I had to leave, the hospital bill was already paid. When I returned home things got a bit worse, as he knew my parents were there to support me, for whole three weeks, he didn’t show up, he just called to see how things were going, and only when my parents left, he began to go there.

His visits were the most strangest thing. He’d rather talk to me than spend time with her. Truth being told, he acted just like at the hospital, if Mara was sleeping in her room he wouldn’t go there to see her. I imposed her presence in his visits by bringing her to the living room and let her sleep in her stroller, so he at least could glance at her now and then. He had a three weeks daughter that he had held in his arms just twice and still didn’t show the willing to do so.

With Mara’s crazy schedules I was too exhausted to fight with him, nor did I have the will to do so. I decided to give him time, maybe it was his weird way, and hoped, prayed that he’d overcome the struggle inside his head. After six weeks, and still the same behavior I began to lose hope. One just has to lose hope when you see a person not connecting at all with his child after such a long time, at least, I considered it long, and still I ignored all that and loved her the best that I could.

I was living the most amazing experience of my life and if he didn’t want to live the same then that would be his problem. He missed her doctor’s appointments, he missed her baby smell, her shy smiles at that point. He was missing on her tremendously and he was on the verge of failing on her as well. I couldn’t but think that Mara would grow up learning her father didn’t love her at all. What he showed was no tenderness and no love for her at all. Sometimes he’d visit me and didn’t ask if she was alright, he’d ask if I was alright instead, and I’d take that chance to include me and her in my response, somehow, deep inside, I knew he wanted me to tell, because he’d listen and didn’t shut me out. That was my last bit of hope.

It wasn’t until she was 7 weeks old that I saw him looking at her for the first time. At Lars’s when he threw a barbecue and invited me to go. While Mara was awake in her stroller and James thought no one was seeing him, I saw him crouched in front of her. I had gone inside to pick up a bowl for a salad, and Mara was in her stroller in the living room. Though if I had the electronic nanny with me, I’d sometimes went to peek on her, and it was there when I saw him alone with her. While he thought no one was seeing, he stared at the little girl and she gave him one of her shy smiles and James smiled back at her. My hopes regained life, and I turned around silently not to be noticed so I could give him his moment with her.

I came back outside and joined the others with my hands shaking a bit. His smile was tender, there was no doubt.

“Hi…” I heard him whisper at her through the electronic nanny, and my eyes watered emotionally. Then Mara started to cry and I didn’t know what to do. James got out of the house.

“Nadia, I went to the bathroom and Mara’s crying.” He told me. I nodded at him and went inside. He didn’t want me to know that he had been around her. Can anyone be stranger than that?
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Shayniz21
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Poor Twisted Me
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Oh James come on!! I am proud of Nadia for being so strong!! Please tell me there will be a happy ending with a happy family???? More please!!
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Scorpion Flower
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Shayniz21
April 8, 2012, 9:38 am
Oh James come on!! I am proud of Nadia for being so strong!! Please tell me there will be a happy ending with a happy family???? More please!!
I won't tell... :P
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Lilith
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Jaimelicious

Well, he might have his reasons, and he might provide for Nadia and his daughter. But I don't understand his passive aggression towards Nadia.
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Scorpion Flower
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That day at Lars’s, Kirk and Lani invited me for a week in their house in Hawaii, they’d be renewing their vows and wanted their closest friends there. Somehow I was flattered to know I’d fit in the closest friends category, but I refused their invitation taking Mara as an excuse, truth was, James was going to be there and I didn’t want to spend a week with him in the same house. But they were stubborn and even more convincing…I ended up agreeing. So two weeks later, I packed some suitcases and Mara made her first trip. I found myself landing in Hawaii after a turbulent flight. Not the fight itself, but having shared the flight with James.

“She looks so cute.” Lani said as she received us at the airport.

“I was amazed the whole flight.” Connie commented. “Her tiny pink dress is just adorable.” They were all drooling over my two months baby, except for her father, who I knew then didn’t ignore her when they were alone, but still ignored her when I was around, which was pretty much most of the time.

“He’s still not looking at her?” Connie commented as Lani pushed my baby’s stroller away and stayed a bit behind the crowd.

“No.” I said. “I don’t understand…” I shook my head. “Why do that? I mean, he was smiling at her, there was tenderness I could see it, but then he acts like it doesn’t matter, at least around me, you know? Alone I saw there was.”

“He has his own weird ways. I don’t know what to tell you. I also don’t understand why he does that, after all she’s his daughter so there’s nothing wrong with loving her. Maybe now that she’s going to be near him 24/7 he won’t be able to ignore her.”

My baby became a little cranky while we were waiting for the ride to Kirk’s house. Lani rocked the stroller a bit but she didn’t calm down. From far I saw James eyeing her and then looked away as if nothing was happening. Lani, maybe on purpose, left the stroller near him and went to talk to Lars. James was disturbed by her cry and both Connie and I walked as slowly as we could. James eyed Mara one more time and then bent over the stroller. I saw him grabbing her pacifier and put it quickly in her mouth.

Mara wasn’t satisfied. After sucking a bit she threw it off and burst into a louder cry. I knew it was around her time to eat, so she was hungry. James looked back and I knew he was looking for me. It was always like that, if she needed anything and he was around, he’d look for me and kind of instructed me to go to her. I hated that.

“She’s crying.” He told me confirming my suspicions.

“You could have hold her. She’s hungry.” I shot at him.

“You’re her mother, so you’re the one entitled to do that.” He said. I flipped off hearing his words. Without a second thought, I put Mara yelling in his arms.

“The father is also entitled to participate.” I said and turned around to leave, leaving James with Mara. That was the first time, after she was born, that he held her, or better say, that I was seeing him holding her, because Mara shut up instantly as if she knew his cuddle. I looked back surprised, and James was holding her but looking away, as if he didn’t care, like he was just holding her without affection.

“I need to heat her bottle.” I talked to Lani. She grabbed my hand.

“Come with me, let’s ask in that bar over there. I am sorry I kept you here waiting when she’s so little.”

“It’s ok.” I said smiling.

“She stopped crying in his arms…” Lani commented.

“You also noticed that? You know, after that incident at Lars, I began to leave him alone in the house with her while he visits me, I’d find an excuse to buy something out on the street and leave him there. Last week I began to realize Mara calms down when she hears his voice, which means he talks to her, when he’s alone with her of course, and now I am quite sure that he holds her too. He just doesn’t want to do it in front of me. I don’t understand his behavior…”

“He’s seeking for your attention I think.” I looked at Lani interested in her statement. “I mean…when he does such things he knows he pisses you off, or that he hurts you, that is the only explanation I can think of.”

While I waited for the bottle to be heat I watched James from far. He was still holding Mara and didn’t seem as uncomfortable as in the beginning. Then, when I got near him with the bottle ready, I took her away from his arms and put her back in the stroller, putting the bottle in her little mouth right after. Mara began to suck franticly as she was desperate to eat and I knew James was still there. First I didn’t hear his footsteps going anywhere and second Mara stared with her blue eyes to something that was behind me. She was mesmerized, and then she stopped sucking and just smiled and I assumed he had smiled at her.

When ready to go. I grabbed my bags and Mara’s and Lani offered to push the baby’s stroller again. James walked teasingly by my side.

“You are a jerk.” I said not taking it inside anymore. James looked at me with icy eyes but he didn’t scare me. “Think you are punishing me?” I asked right after remembering Lani’s words. “Well, you are not…you are not punishing me at all. You are just punishing yourself, by missing on many wonderful moments with her and you are also punishing her by depriving her from her father’s cuddles. Me? No way… I have been too busy to worry about other things than her. She’s your fucking daughter, the least you could do now was push her stroller since I can’t and not just let someone else do it. So you are a fucking jerk.” With that I speeded my pace to leave him behind.

Already in the house Kirk and Lani distributed the rooms. I was pleased with mine, though I knew James’s was at the one right next to mine. A crib that their children didn’t use anymore was put in there. The only thing I didn’t like it was the balcony. Not the place itself, because it was amazing with view to the beach and had some phenomenal chaises in it for one to rest, but what I didn’t like was that the balcony linked my room to James’s room, it was the same.

I left Mara sleeping in the crib and turned the electronic nanny on so I could hear her and then joined everyone downstairs. James was closed in his room claiming he had to sleep because he had spent the previous night in the studio recording and almost didn’t have any sleep since we had to fly early in the morning.

“Is she sleeping?” Lars asked me.

“Yeah, for now we’re all in peace.” I laughed.

“Put your bikini on, come to have a swim in the pool.” Kirk tempted me.

“Not yet. I just want to sit here and relax.” I said letting my body fall on one of the chairs near their swimming pool.

After a while I noticed that the electronic nanny didn’t have a signal. I checked the batteries and my ending was turned on, so I got up and went up to the room to check on the other end. In there I saw it was simply turned off and when I looked down at the crib Mara wasn’t there. My first reaction was just this huge dizziness and then complete panic assaulted me, but that very moment I also knew it was impossible for someone to go inside the house and take the baby away without being seen. We were too many. The door that led to the balcony was slightly opened and I knew I had left it closed, though not locked, so I stepped out and instinctively looked at James’s door, it was open.

I went there and stopped thinking if it would be ok to peek, but I had to. I pulled the curtain away a bit and found him resting on his bed, sleeping on his back and Mara, sleeping on his chest, rocked by his breathing as his chest moved up and down. My heart raced so much that moment. I knew she hadn’t cried or I could have heard her, he just went there to grab her and take her with him. I walked away and left them sleeping, not even bothering to take Mara away from him.

When James came down a while after, I knew he had returned her to her crib, so he was still playing the hide and seek game with me, but I didn’t bother. As much as he was caring about her in his own away, I was ok with that. Before dinner I had to take her downstairs with me, since she wanted her bottle again, and then it was time for dinner. Mara’s stroller was by my side as she was a bit cranky, but she was still able to give us a quiet and happy meal. We all talked and laughed loud during the meal, even James was in a good mood.

“Let’s go out tonight.” Kirk suggested.

“Yeah…let’s go to a bar. There’s one near quite cool.” Everyone agreed but me.

“You go guys and have fun. I have to bathe my baby, feed her again after it, and put her to sleep. I can’t go to a bar with a two months baby.” I said.

James eyes fell on me. “There’s some tables out on the street, we can sit there.” Lani explained.

“No, really…she’s too little, she wants comfort and not being around late at night. If she gets too excited then she’s not gonna let us sleep when we come back home. I want to keep her schedules.”

“That is true.” Kirk said knowingly, as he was the father of two boys.

An hour later they all left, and I thought I was alone in the house as everything was so quiet. Alone in my room I dried Mara after her night bath and then dressed her in a comfy pajama, then I went to the kitchen to prepare her bottle and once done I came back to my room. I took Mara outside and sat on a long chaise feeding her and that’s when I heard the other door opening. To my surprise James showed up. Our eyes met briefly and then I returned my gaze to Mara.

“Why was she so cranky?” He asked approaching me.

“Because she was getting hungry and I had to bathe her first.” I explained almost dryly, though I was touched he was asking about her to me. “Why didn’t you go with them?”

“I didn’t want to leave you here alone.” He said. I looked at him one more time surprised.

“Well, you could have gone. I am alone every day, so it wouldn’t make much difference.” I replied resentfully. Mara finished her bottle and I rested it on the table by my side, then I picked her up to make her burp.

“Why didn’t you go with them? You could have gone.” James continued.

“I could, but I didn’t want to. A bar is not a nice place to be with a baby.”

“Don’t you miss having fun?”

“I have fun with her.” I replied. “the moments I spend with her are enough to make me happy, I don’t need a bar or loud music blasting in my ears. I am a mother now and priorities have changed.”

“I could have stayed with her.” He added. My eyes landed on his again. Either he was teasing me or I didn’t know what he was up to.

“This is not about leaving her with someone and go. I wouldn’t feel alright in there knowing she was here. She is a baby, a tiny one, she might need me…I don’t know…I just don’t want to leave her.”

“Don’t you miss going out and have fun?” He asked again and his questions were bothering me.

“No. I don’t miss that part. She completes me in many ways. I do miss having someone around me to cuddle me, that I sure miss, I miss having sex, I miss a male presence in my life, but not just any male presence, a male presence who loves me. That’s what I miss.” James looked down at his feet and I realized my statement had bothered him.

“Eventually that will happen.” He said almost in a whisper.

“Oh yeah? What guy is gonna prefer to stay here with me than go out and have a few drinks with his buddies. What guy will date a mother who has a tiny baby to take care of? When he wants to go out and I have to stay at home with her because she’s just cranky or because she’s sick…I don’t know…what guy is gonna cope with that?”

James raised his head and looked deeply in my eyes. “I don’t know…”

“Right…”

“Let me hold her.” He asked.

“What?” I blurted astonished. James stretched me out his arms.

“Give her to me.” He said. I put Mara in his arms and he held her against him carefully, then he looked at me.

“Maybe there’s a guy who would stay here instead of going to a bar with his friends. Maybe that guy exists.” He said. My heart skipped a beat. Was he trying to play with me?

“She needs to sleep.” I said taking Mara away.

“You have grown up Nadia. Good night.” He said as I closed the window.
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