| Welcome to zetaboards. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| Fade to Black; Het. | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: March 17, 2006, 8:33 am (7,072 Views) | |
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:33 am Post #1 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 1 It was in September 1984 that we met. I was still a blond back then, with long wild hair and what he use to call ‘the cutest button nose,’ and he had crazy masses of curly black hair and a smile that use to light up the whole room. He was playing with the Spastic Children, Metallica had just came back from touring but James had to keep on playing, and so did he. Some friends and me went along to their gig for a laugh, it was just drunken fun, and I had laughed the whole way through. He was on bass, and looking at me the entire time. I guess you could say it was hypnotizing; I simply could not look away. He had caught me and I was totally under his spell. My friend was making eyes at James, winking, laughing at him, she had his complete and utter attention, it wasn’t just all the booze that was making playing impossible for him. “I’m gonna go and meet with the band,” she said to me after they had finished. She smiled at me and motioned for me to come with her. Usually I would have run along, but I shook my head and headed for the bar, I didn’t feel like playing the groupie that night. I sat at the bar, starring at my rum and coke, I had been so captivated by him that I simply couldn’t get him out of my head. He was wearing the stupidest clothes and looked well, spastic, but still, there was something about him… “Ummm… excuse me… ummm…” Some guy behind me, I hated when I guys tried to pick me up in bars. I spun around quickly, getting ready to tell the creep where to stick it… It was him. “Oh, I didn’t know it was you…” I felt so embarrassed. “That’s okay…” On stage he had so much charisma, but now he seemed so shy, so timid, so fragile. He smiled, he was such a cutey when he smiled, it was intoxicating. “Can I?” “Oh sure, go right ahead.” “I’m…” “I know who you are…” “It’s weird, being the famous guy and all, I keep forgetting that there are people I don’t know who know me.” “Well yeah, that must be really weird for you.” “It’s like one day you wake up and you go to a club and there are people screaming your name, you think it’s a dream, but it’s not, it’s…” “… different?” “Yeah.” He was so down to earth, and so incredibly modest. It was refreshing. “I was watching you the whole time, you just looked like you were having so much fun up there!” “Well bass isn’t what I play, but it was interesting. I was watching you too…” I blushed; he had no idea how sweet he was. My friend and James walked up to us, arms wrapped around each other, both incredibly drunk, and both about to leave. “Hey dude, me and umm…” “Amy” “Right… Amy, are leavin’ now, you comin’ with?” Kirk smiled a little. “No, I think I’ll hang here a little while first.” “Don’t be surprised if someone’s sleeping on your couch!” Kirk looked back at me and smiled. “You drinkin’ that?” I had totally forgotten about my drink. “Not any more.” We left the club and walked back to his place, it was a very long walk, but we talked the whole way, about everything. Kirk was such a great listener, that was what I loved about him, I could talk his ear off and he would hang off every word. That night I slept at the Metallica house. I was on the couch and he was on the floor. We had stayed up for hours just talking, it was magic. The next morning I woke up and found him sleeping on the floor, smiling in his sleep, he was so beautiful when he slept. I didn’t want to wake him, but I would have to be leaving soon. I gathered my stuff and was about to head out the door when… ”You leaving so soon?” “Yeah, I have to get going…” “Will I see you again?” I could see sadness in his eyes, I couldn’t say no. “Yes.” And then… we kissed. |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:34 am Post #2 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 2 We started dating after that. His friends were real brutes and I was afraid that Kirk would be exactly the same, but he wasn’t, he was different. And though he didn’t have much money, he did his best to treat me like a queen. “I want you to have everything,” he would say. And I knew that he meant it. I still remember the best times were lying on the floor in his ‘bedroom’ listening to records, he listened to Hendrix and UFO, and they were good times. We spent so much time together, we slept in late, stayed up to the early morning. We'd stay up for hours just talking, he was such a great listener. It was amazing. Soon Metallica got to playing again, and so naturally there were always parties at the house. I hadn’t officially moved in, but I was always there. And by the end of October everyone knew me as ‘Kirk’s girl.’ I didn’t always go to the shows, that was Kirk’s work and I couldn’t be hanging off him while he worked, but I was always waiting for him at home, he always got so tired after performing. So I would take care of him, I'd cook him dinner, get him a beer and listen to his wild stories about what had happened last night. There was always a lot of Alcohol around and we’d always get really drunk. The couch was far from comfortable so sometimes we’d steal Lars or James’ bed when they were out. They’d always pretend to be mad when they got home, but they’d get over it pretty quickly. Those guys were like brothers. I remember talking to Cliff, he was always the strong, silent type, and though he’d go crazy sometimes, you could always rely on him for a philosophical conversation – at 3am. My friends were growing to love Metallica, and Metallica was growing to love my friends. The boys loved it when all the girls came over, although it was always awkward between Amy and James. In November, Metallica went away on their first big tour, and I was left to watch the house. And although he was so far away, Kirk would try his best to call me whenever he could. The other boys were defiantly indulging in the benefits of being on the road, but Cliff would always assure me that Kirk was being ‘a very good boy.’ I couldn’t wait for him to get home, but I didn’t say anything, I knew he was missing being home as much as I was missing having him home. “I’ve talked it over with the guys, and when we get home you are officially moving in,” Kirk said. To the couch? I thought. “I know the couch ain’t great, but it’s not for long. And well, I love you.” “I love you too.” They got home in late December, and they started touring the US straight away. “I want you to come with us.” Kirk said. “But what about my job, what about the house…” “It won’t be glamorous, but we’ll be together.” He always had a way of convincing me. And touring certainly wasn’t glamorous. Hot days in the sun, hotel rooms trashed, sharing a bed with Kirk and sometimes Lars and James as well, and having little to no money. But we were together, and that’s all that mattered. Whenever I felt down about being on the road he'd always say the right thing to mae me feel better. My fondest memory of being on the road was hanging out with the guys before the show, they'dall be so nervous and so worked up. Lars and James always needed someone to dress them because they simply could never get it right, and if Cliff couldn't find his hat or his bellbottoms, there would be trouble. Kirk would just go into his own little world, he'd sit by himself and concerntrate so hard on the job ahead. I could see why so many idolized him. I loved Kirk with everything I had, and he loved me too |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:42 am Post #3 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 3 We went to England in August of ’85. They played at the Monsters of Rock Festival in front of 70,000 fans. I stood slightly off stage, just watching them. They were so electric, and it was such a great atmosphere. I must admit I was a little jealous when I saw girls simply throwing themselves at my Kirk; but I trusted him. So much crap was thrown up on stage at Donington, underwear, bras, bottles, it was crazy. But my boys really loved playing there, despite the carnage. They continued the festival circuit. As they went they gained a reputation for demolishing trailers. They’d throw fruit around and rip up furniture. They were living the rock star lifestyle, though they weren’t rich back then. I loved touring with them. Kirk always took such great care of me. He was a true gentleman. In September the boys travelled to Denmark to start recording the Master of Puppets album, and I went home. I had been out of the States for so long and living the rock and roll lifestyle for just as long that I need some rest and relaxation. I went back to the house, taking care of everything for the boys and getting ready for their return. They were only suppose to be gone a month, a month and a half tops. “When are you coming home?” I would say to Kirk on the phone. He sounded so tired, and I just wanted him home with me. “Soon baby.” Our phone calls were always short and I could always here Lars and James calling out to me in the background. Cliff would jump on the phone and tell me about everything the guys had been up to. And once again he would assure me that Kirk was being a good boy. Christmas came and went and still I didn’t see him. Then one January morning he came walking through the door. He hair was longer, he looked so jetlagged, but his smile was the same. And I was so happy to see him. “I know it’s a little late, but merry Christmas!” He said. It was so good to be in his arms again. We had a big party that night, my boys were home and they assured me that they would be home for a while this time. “Soon we’ll get our own place. No more sleeping on the couch!” Kirk said. They were beginning to be a real success. And I was so very proud of them. The next few months were heaven. Kirk was around all the time, and I had officially moved into the Metallica house. By February Master of Puppets had been released globally and was their first album to go gold. Kirk and I brought a house, it wasn’t a mansion but it was big enough for the two of us. In March they went on tour with Ozzy Osbourne. Kirk knew how much I loved Ozzy so I went with them once again. I was so nervous the first time Lars introduced me to Ozzy, I thought he was a GOD. I had so much fun that tour. In July, James broke his wrist, and he was THE worst patient I have ever had. He’d always whinge about it being itchy under the cast, but that didn’t stop him drinking like a fish. I was on tour with the boys the whole time, and we had so much fun. Drinking and just being general idiots was the plan almost every night. I hardly got anytime alone with Kirk, there were always people around, and at times that was very frustrating. In September 1986 they began the European leg of the Damage Inc. tour, but I opted to stay home, look after the house again, I was just so tired from touring. Kirk was now pretty well off money wise, so he rang me every opportunity he got. It was wonderful to hear his voice. “James has the cast off, he’s gonna play tonight.” “You reckon he’ll be any good?” “Well, we will see.” He laughed, he seemed so happy. I woke up the next morning to the phone ringing. I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock. It was 2am. Who on earth could be ringing me at the time? “Hello?” I said, still half-asleep. I could hear crying on the other end of the line. “I’m coming home…” they finally said, it was Kirk. Suddenly I was wide awake. “Cliff is dead…” |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:42 am Post #4 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 4 I dropped the phone. My heart was pounding and tears were already streaming down my face. “Hello? Hello!” I picked the phone up off the floor. “I’m here.” “James, Lars and I will be on a plane this afternoon. Will you be at the airport to meet us tomorrow?” “Yeah… sure…” Everything was a daze, it seemed so surreal. “Okay, I’ll call you when we get to the airport.” I tried to sleep but it was impossible. I simply could not believe that Cliff, my friend, my voice of reason, wouldn’t be on that plane tomorrow. The phone rang all day, people wanting to know what was going on. Friends rang, family rang, my mother (who was Kirk’s biggest fan) rang to make sure the rest of the boys were okay. I had no idea how so people were getting my number, but at midday, right after Lars’ father had rung, I took the phone off the hook for a few hours so I could think. All I could think about was Cliff. He had been such a good friend and now he was gone. I had no idea how it had happened, just that it had happened during the night, as that was all that Kirk told me over the phone. I didn’t want to press him for details, he sounded so depressed that I couldn’t force him to talk. I had a shower and cleaned the house. I did some washing, did the shopping and get some things ready for Kirk’s return. The whole day was a blur. That night I tried to sleep but it truly was pointless. I pulled myself out of bed and went to watch some TV. “Metallica’s bassist Cliff Burton was tragically killed last night in a freak bus accident while the band was travelling from Stockholm to Copenhagen…” MTV announced the news, and I tuned out. I was beyond crying, I was emotionally numb. Sometime that night I must have drifted off to sleep because I woke to the phone ringing. “It’s me, we’re at the airport.” I got into the car and began to drive to the airport. Kirk assured me that they’d be waiting out the front and that they’d all be coming back to our place. I didn’t mind, I half expected to have company anyway. Just like Kirk had said they were out the front of the airport, none of them speaking to each other, just staring into space. Lars spotted my van first and practically pulled the other two over to it. “Where’s all your stuff?” “Burnstein is bringing it back with him, there’s some stuff to figure out I guess…” Lars said, I had never seen him that quiet before. “You don’t mind us coming back to your house?” James asked, I had never heard him be so polite before. “No, it’s no trouble.” Kirk didn’t say a word. He climbed into the front seat, looked at me and then looked at the floor. I took his hand, his skin was so cold, and his faced was stained with tears. “Let’s go home…” He said after a while. I nodded and the four of us went home. The next few days seemed to melt together. The boys stayed with Kirk and me until the 5th of October. They went home and we all got ready for the funeral. Kirk was very quiet. I couldn’t help but think that he was feeling guilty about something. “Kirk, speak to me…” I said when the other guys finally left. “It should have been me.” “Stop being like that, you know that’s not true.” “But it was my bed, it should have been me!” I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. Kirk had always seemed so strong, but now it seemed he was falling apart. “What are you going to do?” “I don’t know…” I replied. I think he expected me to leave him, but I don’t know why he would. I couldn’t leave, I had to be there, I felt like I had no other choice. “Do you want me to…” “No, stay.” “Okay.” The funeral seemed to pass in a flash, there were so many wonderful things said about Cliff, but I didn’t want to lay him to rest just yet. I felt like things would never be the same, and they wouldn’t be. The next few weeks were hectic. Auditions began for their new bass player. I felt it was too soon, but they had made up their minds and there was no arguing with them once they had their mind set on something. Kirk wandered into the room in the middle of the night, he had been out all night and was incredibly drunk. I could smell the beer on his breath. But he was smiling again, he was happy, so I didn’t care. “We got him.” He said, he fell onto the bed beside me. I rolled over and looked him in the eyes. I ran my fingers threw his hair and smiled back at him. It was great to see him in such a good mood. “Got who sweet heart?” I thought it was just drunk talk. “The new bass player. We took him to Tommy’s Joint. He’s in.” “What’s his name?” “Jason…” |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:44 am Post #5 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 5 I fell asleep on the couch in the sun; everything had been so stressful over the last couple of weeks that I found myself sleeping a lot more than usual. Kirk and the guys had gone away to do a couple of gigs with Jason. I hadn’t met Jason yet, but from what Kirk had said about him, he sounded like a nice enough guy. I could feel his soft lips kissing my cheeks. “Wake up, I’m home…” he said softly. I opened my eyes and smiled at him. He smiled back at me, but something about him had changed over the last couple of weeks. He looked tired, and his eyes looked sad. “Are you okay?” I said to him. He sat down on the couch and ran his fingers through my hair. “I think so.” He said. I kissed him softly. No matter how much he told me nothing was wrong, I simply could not believe him. I knew he still felt guilty. “Come to Japan with us.” “I don’t know, you won’t be gone that long, and touring is your work. I stay here and take care of things at home,” I said. In all honesty, I was just nervous about being on the road again. The thought of them touring made me uneasy. “Please…” I looked into his eyes. He didn’t just want me to go, it seemed as though he needed me to go. “Nothing will happen to you, I promise.” “I know that, I just want you with me always.” He smiled at me and I embraced him. Ever since they had lost Cliff, Kirk had seemed so fragile. Late at night he would wake up crying, some nights he wouldn’t sleep at all and I would hear him pacing up and down the hall. He was quiet, all the time, and both James and Lars had expressed to me that they were both concerned about him. But there was nothing I could do, he wouldn’t talk to me, let alone anyone else about it. I packed our things to go to Japan. “Touring over there will be a lot different to anything we’ve ever done before.” James explained to me one afternoon when he was visiting me. “There won’t be any travelling on buses, just trains.” “Bullet trains?” I asked. I had heard of them before, but never actually been on one. “You better believe it kiddo.” I packed our things ready to go. Kirk invited Jason over for dinner the night before we left so I could meet him. Jason certainly was a nice guy. He seemed to get along with Kirk really well, which was great. Jason talked to me quite a bit, and at first I didn’t like him at all, I felt as though he was replacing Cliff. But as I got to know him, I grew to think of him as a good friend. James and Lars put Jason through hell. They called it ‘hazing’ and James said they were ‘initiating’ him, I thought it was just cruel at times. In Japan they tricked him into a whole ball of wasabi. Kirk was involved in some of it, and I would always give him what the boys called ‘the evil eye’ every time I saw him participating. The shows in Japan were always really early. Start at 6, finish at 7.30, so unlike any other tour I had a lot of time with Kirk. He took me to the finest restaurants, and we went out almost every single night. Kirk seemed to cling to me the entire tour, it was as if he thought if he let me out of his sight for even a second that I would disappear into the crowd and he would never see me again. After we got back home we didn’t stay home long. Metallica did a US and Canada tour with Metal Church, so we pretty much repacked and left the second we were home. A lot of the places in Canada that the boys played at were actually hockey rinks and the ice would be right behind the stage. One night after the show, Kirk and I stayed afterwards and skated around for a bit. Kirk fell down and when I went over to help him up he accidentally pulled me down with him. He laughed; I had always found his laugh so infectious. “I love you, you know that right?” He said to me. I smiled at him. “Of course I know that. And I love you.” “Then marry me.” I laughed and then looked him in the eyes. He was serious. “Marry you?” “Will you?” He was pleading with his eyes. Truth was, he needed me. He needed me to take care of him. “Yes, I will.” The ice was cold, but I didn’t care. We were sitting on the ice. Freezing, soaked from falling over so many times, and I had never been happier in my life. He held me in his arms for what seemed like forever. “I’m cold.” He said, finally breaking the silence. “Yeah me too.” “Oh,” he said, “I almost forgot the most important part.” “What do you mean?” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. “Oh my god! It’s beautiful!” He took my hand and slipped it onto my finger. “Jason helped me pick it out.” “Well, I love it.” “Come on, let’s go find the others. James and Lars don’t know yet.” “They really mean the world to you, don’t they?” “Of course they do, they’re my brothers.” |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:45 am Post #6 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 6 We walked hand in hand to the hotel. The boys were sitting at the bar, and as soon as we walked in they all looked at us. I could see Jason looking me up and down, waiting for me to say something. I practically threw my hand at him. “There are you happy now?” I said, pretending to be angry. Jason smiled at me., he knew that I was joking. “I was waiting for that.” “What the hell!” Lars yelled, grabbing my hand. He pulled me over towards James and himself. “Holy ****!” James added. “That’s one massive ring. What are you engaged or something?” Lars said to me, he seemed really in shock. “Yes, we are, as of half an hour ago.” Kirk said, stepping up behind me. “Wow, I mean wow…” Lars said, James didn’t have much to say. “Well let’s get these two some drinks, we have to celebrate,” Jason said, he stepped over to the group, a big smile on his face. “Yeah, he’s right, we have to celebrate. Two more beers over here!” James said, as me and Kirk sat down. It was definitely something to celebrate. “So how long have you been thinking about this?” James asked Kirk. “I don’t know, a while I guess, but I knew for certain tonight, it just seemed like the right time.” “How did you find such a great ring?” Lars asked, still admiring my rock. “Well, ummm… Jason helped me pick it out…” “Really…” James seemed a little surprised by that, but he didn’t want to talk about it. He just left it at that. I guess he always thought that this sort of thing would be something that Kirk would do with either himself or Lars, not ‘the new guy.’ “And when are you thinking of getting hitched?” Jason asked. “Umm… I don’t know…” I replied. “As soon as possible.” Kirk said. “On a beach?” I asked, looking deep into Kirk’s eyes, he looked so serious. “If that’s what you want, that’s what you’ll get,” he smiled and kissed me on the cheek. “You look so cute together,” the barmaid said. “Don’t they?” the girl under James’ arm said. The next day we made our way back to the States. We weren’t home long before James called to say that the tour was being extended to Europe. “I want you to be there,” Kirk said to me straight away. “But I have things to plan, and people to contact about this wedding. You want it as soon as possible then work needs to be done.” “We’ll get married on a beach, in Spain, just me, you, a couple of friends, simple.” “But my family…” This was a battle I was not going to win. I wanted to get married, he wanted me to go on tour with him, and so I would have to compromise. I sighed and looked him in the eyes. “I will not hold this against you.” I said. “What do you mean?” “It’s not important. I will go with you. We’ll get married in Spain. And we’ll be home in March.” “I promise we will be home in March.” Once again, I packed our things up and got ready to go. We hadn’t told anyone about our plans to marry once we reached Spain. Everyone on the tour with us would be at the wedding. They had become like a second family to Kirk and me over the years, and there was no one in the world that he wanted to be with us more. The fans in Europe were absolutely crazy. I think Kirk loved being there more then he had on any other tour. The big day came around; Kirk and I were getting married. We were all staying in the same hotel and I heard Kirk walking down the hallway knocking on doors, waking people up. “I’m getting married, you all have to be there.” “Wake up James, you’re going to be my best man, in 15 minutes!” He came into my room with a dozen red roses and a beautiful new white dress. “Get dressed, and I’ll meet you on the beach.” He kissed me and left the room. I hadn’t seen him that happy in such a long time. It made me happy too. I got dressed and walked down stairs. The hotel was right next to the beach and so all I had to do was cross the road and I was there. The sun was rising, and it was all so beautiful. Kirk was wearing his tuxedo, but the other guys were just wearing shirts and jeans. I looked at Kirk, he was smiling and he looked so incredibly adorable. We exchanged vows and then, we were married. I was his wife. After the ceremony we went back to the hotel for some drinks and to celebrate. Once again both James and Lars had picked up random girls and they joined the party. Kirk and I appeared to be joined at the hip. He never left my side the whole day. There were no shows on that day; finally we had some time alone. “See, we all get what we want…” Kirk commented. I smiled at him; I had no idea how my parents were going to react to the fact that I had eloped. “What will our parents say when we tell them?” I said. Kirk looked to be deep in thought. “You know I never thought about it.” He said and he smiled. He always looked so cute when he smiled. I touched his smooth cheek, his skin was so soft. “We finally have some time alone,” I said to him with a cheeky smile. “About time too…” he said, he put his arms around me, hugging me tightly. He kissed me softly. And then he said, “let’s make the most of it…” We were home by March. James decided that it would be a good idea to make the most of this time off by skateboarding in an empty pool, and he broke his arm. The guys took the time out to turn Lars’ garage into a recording studio, though Kirk did very little work on it. Kirk had become obsessed with buying all these toys, our house was literally turning into a toy store! He was finally getting all these things that he had wanted since he was a kid. And I didn’t really mind, after all, it was making him happy. At 25, Kirk was still a big kid at heart, and I loved that about him. James and Lars were constantly telling me tales of their exploits, they loved being rock stars, and they constantly told me about the rock n’ roll lifestyle. Kirk was being a good boy though, his love was for me and for me alone. Jason never seemed to have a girlfriend, though there were always girls around him. "James and Lars will settle down one day," he told me, "but not me, never." "You never want to get married, have a family?" I replied. "This is my family." In August they recorded The $5.98 EP, Garage Days Re-Revisted, the first album to feature Jason. Kirk was very proud of this album and I could see it in his eyes, he wanted to go out and tour again. When James broke his wrist it meant that they missed out on their Saturday Night Live performance, and Kirk was itching to get on the road again. “We’re going to England, I know you loved it there, will you come with us?” “Sure,” I said. I had loved England, but I really wanted to just spend some time at home. “You mean the world to me, and I want you to be with me… always…” Kirk said to me, I smiled, he loved me, and I loved him. “Will we ever spend more then a month at a time at home?” I asked. I felt like we had this big house that we never lived in. “I know it’s difficult, but we’re still making a name for ourselves, so we need to be touring a lot, you understand that don’t you?” Kirk asked me, I nodded, I did understand, but that didn’t mean that I liked it. |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:45 am Post #7 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 7 August 22nd 1987. Metallica had just played a killer show at the Monsters of Rock Festival in England. The boys had gone to party and I had headed up to bed, I enjoyed the party but I had a killer migraine. I didn’t force Kirk to come with me though; he was enjoying himself too much to throw the towel in just yet. It must have been around 4am when Jason burst into my room, how he got a key I will never know. “Kirk’s head… exploded… like a firework… blood everywhere…” it was hard to make out what he was saying through the tears, but as soon as he started talking I was upright and awake. “What’s going on Jase, speak slowly and clearly…” By now he was right beside me, sobbing and almost falling over he was so incredibly drunk. “We were drinking… and then… and then… Lars and Kirk went into another room, to do some coke with these others guys, and then they came back…” I knew Kirk occasionally did coke, it was his way of coping with the pain of loosing Cliff, but Jason’s story sounded really bad. I listened intently, hoping he was just talking ****, like drunken kids usually do. “Go on…” I encouraged him. By this stage I was holding him up because he was practically falling over every time he spoke. He smelt of beer and pot. “Then we were sitting there, and then Kirk said, he said, ‘I’m just going to go over there for a while’ and like he pointed to the, to the, to the bathroom. Well he was gone a really long time, and when James went in to check on him he was lying on the floor…” I knew where this was going. “Where is he now?” I asked. “And then…” “WHERE IS HE NOW” I wasn’t going to put up with this any longer, Kirk was over dossing and I needed to know where he was. “He’s in Jame’s room…” I quickly let go of Jason and I heard him fall onto the bed as I ran out into the hall, leaving the door wide open. I was wearing my Sabbath shirt and briefs, but I really could have cared less if people saw me like that, at that moment of time. I ran down the hall and burst into Jame’s room as soon as I got to it. There were people everywhere. Drunk, passed out, idiots, the usual. “James! Lars!” “In here!” I heard someone yell. I recognised the Danish accent. I ran towards the bathroom and what I saw will remain in my memory forever. James was slumped over the side of the bathtub crying and Lars was holding Kirk in the bathtub, trying to wake him up. The tub was red with blood and there was blood all over Lars. Kirk’s face was totally white, but he was still alive. “Wake up dude, come on!” James pleaded with him, but Kirk remained lifeless. I was stuck in the one spot, unable to move. I felt physically ill. I was convinced that Kirk was going to die. “Come here, help me!” Lars yelled out to me. I ran over to him, the feeling of fear for Lars and James overpowered my fear for myself. I jumped into the tub with Lars and Kirk, thanking the heavens above that it was an extra big tub. I checked that he was still breathing and that he had a pulse. “He’s alive,” I said, looking at the drunk and teary Hetfield. “Then what’s wrong with the ****er?” Lars asked me. “How much coke did he have?” I asked, I looked Lars right in the eye, bull****ting me wouldn’t help his friend, and he knew that. “I don’t know, 7 maybe 8 lines… maybe more…” “How quick?” “In a row…” “Then we’re just going to have to sit with him until he wakes up. Who put him in the bath, in all his clothes?” “I did…” James said, he wasn’t looking at anyone or anything, he was just starring into space, I don’t think he wanted to lose another friend. “Then you can help me get him out, and get him dry. And Lars you can get all these people out of here.” They both looked at me for a second, and then Lars got out of the tub and James stood up. And they started to do exactly as I said, though James decided that he would help Lars first. Jason appeared at the door. “He’s alive?” “Barely.” “You left me in your room.” “Do you blame me?” “No.” “Where’s James?” Jason sighed; he was quite obviously quite sober now. Kirk was now lying on the bed beside me in James’ room. Lars and James had helped me find him some dry clothes, though we didn’t know whom they belonged to, and we had made him lie down. He hadn’t moved a muscle yet. “I think he’s sleeping on the couch.” Jason said. “And Lars?” “Asleep on the kitchen floor.” “You really freaked out back there…” I said to Jason, and I pointed to the chair beside the bed where Lars had been sitting next to me earlier. Jason sat down. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed again, he appeared to be very stressed. “I thought he was dead…” “But these guys are the ultimate bullies to you, I wouldn’t blame you if you hated them. I have no idea why you would even put up with it.” “Metallica is a dream come true for me… I wouldn’t expect you to understand, you’re Kirk’s wife. You’ve been here since almost the beginning.” “Trust me, I understand more then you know.” Kirk stirred, he rolled over. I noticed the movement instantly. “Kirk… Kirk!” I said shaking him… “What? Cliff?” He mumbled. Jason got up from his chair and walked over towards the door. “That’s why you don’t understand, and that’s why they do it.” |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:46 am Post #8 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 8 "Jason wait!" I yelled out, but he was already out the door. I knew where he was going. There was so much pot in his room that he'd be up half the night smoking his troubles away. But I didn't want him to leave like that. I wanted to tell him that it was okay. I wanted to tell him that the other guys didn't really hate him. I wanted to tell him that despite the others, I was still his friend. But I didn't have the guts. I was a coward. I let him, and I spent the night trying to nurse my Kirk back to health. He didn't say much after that little outburst, he just slept, hugging on to me, and I was trying to keep him from falling off the bed. I was quite successful. I woke up in the morning to an all too familiar sound, someone was vomiting in the next room. Kirk was asleep again, but he had moved himself and now he was holding onto me very tightly, both his arms and his legs were tightly wrapped around my body. I wriggled free from his grip, kissed him on the forehead and wandered out of the bedroom. Lars was gone from the couch, I figured it was him puking his guts up in the bathroom, and James was lying on the kitchen floor. He slowly opened one eye and starred at me for what seemed like an eternity. “Your boy okay?” He asked me after a while. He sat up and rubbed his face with one hand while trying to hold himself up the other. “I’m surprised you even remember that.” “I will never forget it.” I held my hand out to him and pulled him up, walked him over to the couch and sat him down. “Here, I’ll make you some coffee, it’ll make you feel better.” “I’d rather a beer.” I sighed, these boys would never change. “Beer it is then I guess.” I walked into the kitchen and when I walked out Lars was sitting next to James, rubbing his face and looking like death. “How’s Kirk?” “Asleep.” “Did he move last night?” “Yeah, and he pissed Jason off too.” James and Lars gave each other a high five. “Even when he’s unconscious he’s still a champ!” James said. “What the ****? You hired this guy so you can hate him?” I said, suddenly I could see what Jason was getting at. “He’s the new guy, he should know that.” Lars said to me. I refused to accept that. “Kirk was the new guy once, and you both are nice to him.” “That’s because Dave was a prick…” James said. “Yeah, we chose to get rid of Dave.” I was beginning to realise what Jason meant, he wasn’t Cliff, and so he wasn’t in. “Just give him a chance, please.” From inside the bedroom I could hear Kirk moaning and mumbling. I would have to go and take care of him, though I didn’t mind, I was just glad that he was alive. “I have to go tend to my base head husband.” But that didn’t mean I wasn’t extremely pissed off at him. I walked into the room and Kirk was rolling around on the bed holding his head. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed him a glass of water. When I entered the room again he was curled up in a ball and whimpering. I sat down beside him, placed the glass on the bedside table and began to stroke his cheek, trying to calm him down. He was breathing heavily and there were tears in his eyes. He was coming down. “They’ll get me, they’ll get me…” he was saying. “Who will Kirk?” “Not suppose to be here!” He exclaimed. “Where are you supposed to be then?” “Dead…” He was really beginning to scare me. I sat him up and forced him to drink some water. He began to seem normal again, he didn’t say much but at least he wasn’t mumbling anymore. And in a couple of hours he was fine, but extremely hungover. I went and sat with James in the restaurant section of the hotel. Soon Kirk, Lars and Jason joined us. Jason wasn’t saying much, and no one was saying much to him either. He seemed like such an outcast, like he didn’t belong. “What up for tonight? We fly out to continue the tour tomorrow so tonight is free…” “Drinking…” “Drugs…” “Party!” I looked Kirk in the eyes, he was being incredibly stupid. I pulled him aside when the others were getting ready to go upstairs and prepare for the night. “What’s wrong baby?” “You almost killed yourself last night!” “And I’m fine now, what’s the problem?” I looked him dead in the eye, he couldn’t be serious. “I’m worried about you.” I said. “Well don’t be. I’m here, you’re here, we’re together, we’re having fun… come on, smile for me.” He was still as charming as he had been the day we met, so I smiled. Not out of happiness though, I was so mad on the inside that I could have punched him in the face. But I loved him all the same. That night there was a party in our hotel room, I had no idea where all the people were coming from but it was insane. James and Lars were so drunk neither of them could stand. Jason was stoned and sitting on the balcony simply starring at the sky. And Kirk, he was drunk, he was high, and he kept trying to pull me into the bedroom, despite there already being heaps of people in there. I was battling my own demons; I had done a lot of coke in my younger days and had given up just before I met Kirk. He never knew about it. He kept offering it to me and it was so incredibly tempting. Finally, after 2 more shots of vodka with Lars, I gave in, and it was good. |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:47 am Post #9 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 9 By the beginning of September we were home again. At the beginning of October the boys got together to discuss a special project that they were planning, Jason wasn’t technically invited along, so I decided to spend some time with him myself. If none of the guys were going to be his friend, then I would be. Like Kirk’s, Jason’s hair was wild and curly, he had very strong features and looked very serious most of the time. The guys were at my house so Jason and me went for a walk to the park just down the road. It was a nice day, the sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in site, but it was autumn and starting to get a little chilly. I had forgotten my sweater, so I was shivering a little. “I’m beginning to understand what you mean…” I said, we sat down on a park bench, we weren’t looking at anything in particular, we were just passing time. “About what?” “About the guys not accepting you. I can see it. They don’t respect you,” I said. “Like you’d care.” “For ****s sake Jase, I’m trying to be on your side, I really am. You just aren’t making it easy for me.” “It’s just a phase, it’ll pass.” He didn’t sound confident, and I so wanted to believe that what he was saying was true. “I hope it is, because if it isn’t…” “I don’t need you to worry about me, you have enough to worry about.” “It was just one time, for fun, I don’t do it everyday.” “I’m not talking about you and coke…” I sighed, I knew exactly who he was talking about, what he was talking about, and why my hands were shaking. “It never stops, he never stops, but what can I do?” “Say something to him. Let him know how it makes you feel!” “He won’t listen, he’s a rich and famous rock ****ing star who can have any girl he wants, if I don’t like what he’s doing then I can be replaced.” “He said that?” Jason said, he sounded so shocked. “He didn’t have to, I just know.” “God, look at what you’re doing to yourself, putting up with his **** because you think you can do no better.” “I love him, don’t you understand that. It’s not like I haven’t thought about leaving, but I can’t. He needs me as much as I need him.” “But you just said…” “Forget what I said, I was upset. I’m not going anywhere. This is where I’ve been for years, so this is where I’ll stay.” The months passed by and nothing really changed, October went, November went. The guys were working on this ‘project’ so Jason and I spent some time together. It wasn’t like spending time with me made the guys respect him or treat him any better, but at least he had a friend. On December 4th Cliff ‘em All was released. Kirk brought his copy home the very same day. We sat together and watched it. So many memories came flooding back, old shows, old parties, the old house, I saw myself in there a few times momentarily. Seeing the footage of Cliff was like seeing a ghost, and every time he was on screen tears would fill my eyes. Kirk was gripping my hand the whole time, he hadn’t seen the video in its entirety and now there was his best friend starring him in the face. But he was dead. The screen went black, the picture faded away, it was over. I had relived two of the best years of my life; Kirk had relived 3 years of his. And now it was back to reality. “So that’s what we’ve been working on.” Kirk said after what seemed like an eternity of silence. “I liked it.” “You did? Good, good. I know the quality wasn’t that great in places…” “You’re rambling.” “Sorry.” I smiled at him, he had been so stressed lately, and I could see why. The last two months all that had been on his mind was Cliff, it was torturing him and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it except the one thing I hated. “You really scared me in England.” I said after another long silence. “When?” “In the hotel, James was crying, Lars was trying everything to wake you up and Jason, well he was scared the most out of the three.” “Why was Jason scared?” “Jason respects you guys, before he was in the band he idolized the band. And now he wants to think of you guys as friends, but you make it hard…” “I know, and I feel bad…” There was the familiar sadness in his eyes. I knew he was telling the truth. “Then do something about it!” I demanded. “I would but James and Lars…” “**** Kirk! Be a man about it!” I left the room; I was so incredibly angry that I could feel the tears streaming down my face. Why was I sticking up for the new guy? Why was I letting him replace such a great friend? Why was I letting him tear Kirk and me apart? I stood in the hallway for what seemed like forever, fists clenched and tears flowing down my cheeks. I felt a familiar presence beside me. I turned my head to see Kirk standing beside me. He was leaning against the wall, and I could see that he had been crying too. “I’m sorry.” I whispered. “Me too.” He whispered back. ”I know that you miss him.” “I do.” “Me too.” I smiled at him. I stepped away from the wall and held out my hand to him. He took it and wrapped me up in his warm embrace. “Are we okay?” I asked into his shoulder. “Of course we are.” He stroked my hair and kissed me lightly on the head. “I love you.” “And I love you.” I knew he meant it, and that I meant it, but I couldn’t help feel that something was still wrong. And the issues hadn’t really been addressed yet. |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:47 am Post #10 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 10 We never spoke about how I felt about his drug usage. It seemed the longer we didn’t talk about it the more he needed it. He depended on the drugs now, it was as almost as if he could no longer function without them. It scared me. He would wake up in the morning and do a couple of lines before he would do anything else. But I couldn’t say anything to him, deep down I was afraid to loose him. He was high all the time, but when he was high he was completely functional, you could have a total conversation with him, or he could go out with friends, well really he could do anything when he was high. The cocaine gave him a sort of confidence that I had never seen in him before. There were many drunken parties during this time. Everyone was just constantly celebrating the great success of Master of Puppets, which was soon to go platinum. Kirk was now quite wealthy and I didn’t have to worry about working. We spent a lot of time together, he said we were making up for the time we lost while he was touring, and I appreciated the fact that he was trying to make it up to me. In May of 1988 the guys started touring again. They were on the US Monsters Of Rock tour with Kingdom Come, Dokken, Scorpions, and Van Halen. By this time, when Metallica hit the road they were organised, they had everything they needed with them, including a much needed first aid kit which included hangover cures. The guys were notorious for their on the road antics, and all the other bands wanted to party with Metallica. They were drunk basically all the time. As Lars would said the ‘don’t-give-a-****’ meter was off the scale. There was a photo taken of the guys standing at the top of Tampa stadium flashing everyone, they were very proud of all the things they would get up to. They were playing for over 50,000 fans every single day, and that’s when it dawned on me that I was dating the famous guy. While we were on tour Master of Puppets went platinum, and that’s all the validation that Metallica needed, they were officially a success. They were no longer playing in seedy little nightclubs and people actually thought their music was half decent. I was very proud of them. They were touring so hard that before I knew it they were in the studio for their very first original album with Jason. Jason told me that he was incredibly nervous and really wanted to impress them with how good he could play. “You have nothing to worry about, you’re great and they’ll see that…” I tried to reassure him, but if I knew James he wasn’t going to give Jason much creative freedom straight away. In fact half the time Kirk didn’t get a say in what he played, and he had been with them for years. My favourite song on the album was To Live is to Die. It was made up of old riffs that Cliff had been working on before his tragic death. Lars said that it made them feel like he had been a part of the record, and I knew exactly what he meant. I missed Cliff like crazy, and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of him, and I knew the others felt the same. And Justice For All came out, and Jason was disappointed. The bass was almost completely unheard throughout the entire album, and he knew the guys did it on purpose. “Why did you mute Jason?” I asked Kirk. “I don’t know why James and Lars did it, they don’t like him, they don’t know why you like him, and they wish you would stop encouraging him!” “I’m not encouraging him, I’m being his friend, and I wish you would too.” “If I was nice to him then maybe James and Lars would kick me out of the band, and without Metallica what will I do?” He looked so sincere, almost as if he were about to cry. I knew right then that not only did he need me to be there, but he needed James and Lars to be there too. He was dependant on us. We were the stability in his life. And I couldn’t take that away from him, because he was crash without us. On December 4th Kirk invited some friends over to our place (we were finally at home) to watch the premiere of their first music video, the clip to One. It was so powerful, so incredible, and it made such a statement. I could see it in their eyes as they watched it, they were all very proud of what they had achieved. “What did you think?” Kirk asked me after everyone had left. I knew he was seeking my approval, I could see it in his eyes, and he looked so hopeful. “It was brilliant. I loved it. You should be very proud,” I said, taking his hand. I looked into his eyes again; he looked relieved, as if a big weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I was really beginning to worry about him, all the drugs, all the stress… it was beginning to show. |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:48 am Post #11 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 11 The days were getting longer, and I was becoming increasingly tired of touring. We were on the road all the time and I craved time at home. The house would be empty for months at a time and I would come home to a house that I barely knew. We began the Damaged Justice tour, and by the end of the tour we would have visited every single state. I was beginning to realize that I wasn’t as young as I use to be. I was now in my mid twenties and shouldn’t drink as much as I use to, but I did anyway. Before a show Lars and I would sit backstage and down a bottle of vodka and a pack of Marlbro’s before he would go and play and I would sit just offstage and watch them. James would occasionally look over at me and smile, but Kirk never did, he was totally focused whenever he played. He had so much stage presence, people worshipped him when he played, he loved to get out and perform, it was like a rush for him. We were on the road for almost a year, and towards the end it was hell. There’d be nights where Kirk would leave me in the hotel room and go out and party and then come in late at night beer on his breath and high as a kite. I hated him when he got like that, it was so selfish of him. In February, while we were still on the road, Kirk came bounding into the room happier then I had ever seen him. He was practically jumping off the walls with excitement. “We’ve been nominated for a Grammy!” He finally spat out. He flopped onto the bed, arms outstretched and gasping for breath. He was so exciting about the nomination. I laid down beside him, and he pulled me close to him. “That’s fantastic.” “And we’re performing One live, isn’t that awesome!” Kirk was so happy about it that his mood became contagious and I began to feel the stress slipping away. He stroked my hair and kissed me on the cheek. “So when does this all happen?” I asked him. I really wanted to be there, it sounded like they were going to have a great night. They were famous and now the mainstream people would hear them, and I hoped that they would become addicted to their music like so many others seemed to be. “On the 22nd, you’ll be there right?” “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” For the first time in what felt like forever I was comfortable in his arms, I wanted to stay like that forever. No more fights, no more arguments, I guessed this was what they called ‘marital bliss.’ The big night came and I got all his things ready. He was so nervous that I had to do his hair for him, although his hair was so wild back then it made little difference, but it still made him feel better. We were taking a limo to the awards, and I thought that was the most exciting part. I had never been in one before and I was really looking forward to it. Kirk was being the perfect gentleman, he helped me into the car on the way there and then when we got there he opened the door for me, I thought it was very romantic. We walked the red carpet, me in my new little black dress and him in his jeans and Misfits t-shirt. We must have looked like the original odd couple, but looking back at the pictures now, we looked so happy together. We fitted together so perfectly. We found the other guys and their dates, Jason had brought along his new girlfriend Judy, and she seemed very nice. Both James and Lars were dateless; we all figured that they were each other’s date. We all joked about it all night, and it was very funny. Kirk was incredibly nervous the whole night, and I didn’t know if it was just about the award or if it was about performing as well. They slipped out during a short break, to get ready to perform. All the other acts had been very mainstream, so I was certain that the audience would be very shocked by a heavy metal performance. They played the song flawlessly, everything about it was perfect, and when they finished they were given a standing ovation. I could see it in Kirk’s eyes, he was proud. And Jason, I knew that he was happy that people were finally recognizing his talents. Kirk came back and sat with me, he was all hot and sweaty, but he was happy. “How was it?” He asked, once again seeking my approval. “Perfect.” They didn’t win the Grammy, but that didn’t matter. They added a “Grammy Award LOSERS” sticker to their album, which I thought was so hilarious. I loved my boys for that, they always had something to say. |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:49 am Post #12 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 12 In September they were nominated for an MTV Video award, they didn’t win it but when Duff McKagan said that Metallica deserved the honor I was all the more proud of them. Not only did their fans accept them but the music community at large was beginning to acknowledge them at last. In February of 1990 they won their very first Grammy for best metal performance. That night we partied hard, Lars, James and I were seen waving bottles of vodka in the air, Kirk was practically bouncing off the hotel walls, and Jason threw a television out the window into the swimming pool bellow. It was such a great night. By this time Jason and Lars had both gotten married. They were married during the Damaged Justice tour, and it would seem to me that both of their marriages were simply marriages of convenience, though both their wives were incredibly lovely people. The only single one was James at this point, though he was starting to get serious about the possibility of finding a girl. There was one girl back home that he really liked, though because he was constantly touring he never got to see her. They spoke on the phone a lot though, and I remember the night after the Grammy awards he was sitting in a corner on the phone and there were things being thrown at him, people yelling and screaming around him and there he was with a big smile on his face telling her that he’d be home soon. I could see that Kirk was tired and stressed so we got home as soon as possible. It was great to sleep in our own bed and to use our own things. And not to spend every night backstage with four smelly men and heaps of screaming fans. I loved being with Metallica, I loved being with Kirk, but I was beginning to see that the rock and roll lifestyle wasn’t always the most glamorous, the most comfortable, or the best for our relationship. I was ready to really settle down and maybe start a family, but Kirk wasn’t ready for that quite yet, he was too busy being a kid himself, and I was beginning to wonder if we’d ever want the same thing. During the break Kirk went shopping, went skating, he played guitar all day and then would take me out on the town at night. On the weekends he would meet with the other guys. I would meet with the Metallica girls, I didn’t really get along with Lars’ wife or James’ girlfriend, but Judy (Jason’s wife) and I were good friends. Just like Jason, Judy was a very nice person, she was warm and friendly, though she didn’t drink very much she did smoke a lot of pot, just like Jason. I adored her. She was so beautiful and so easy going, I admired her and wished that I could be just like her. In truth, things at home weren’t so great. Kirk and I were growing further apart, and though I still loved him, I simply wasn’t in love with him anymore. It all came down to one night in September, Kirk told me that they were going to go into the studio again and that he really wanted me to be there. “I can’t.” “Why not?” “I can’t be the rock and roll girlfriend you want me to be anymore.” “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” “I want to get a job, start a family, have a normal life.” “I’m not giving up my dreams for you.” “And I’m not giving up mine!” By this time we were screaming at each other, and I could feel the tears coming on. We were standing in the bedroom, getting ready for bed, and I could feel us falling apart. “You know what, **** this, I’m sleeping on the couch!” Kirk yelled at me. I had never seen him so angry as he was when he stormed out of the room. I tried to sleep alone in the big empty bed. I starred at the ceiling, wondering what he was thinking, was he thinking of me, did he miss me. After a couple of hours I realized that sleep was impossible, so I went and joined Kirk on the couch. He held me as we slept, but somehow it just didn’t feel right. That was the last night I spent with Kirk. The next day I packed my things and moved out. We weren’t the same people anymore, and though I loved him, I couldn’t do it anymore. By the time they were in the studio recording the Black Album, Kirk and I were going through a terrible divorce, we both wanted to keep it civilized but unfortunately our lawyers didn’t. We never spoke to each other again…. The end… maybe? |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:50 am Post #13 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 13 “And that’s my story…” I stood up and walked over to the window. It was January 2004. I had moved to Brisbane Australia because I much preferred the climate there. I stood at the window, watching the rain dribble down the window. “Holy ****!” That was all she had to say. And now he’s coming here and I don’t know what to do. “How did he track you down?” “I have no idea, but I think a better question is why.” A lot had changed in the 12 years it had been since the last time I saw him. I had moved to Australia, because when we had toured then I had simply fallen in love with the place, and went to university to become a nurse. I worked as a school nurse at Brisbane State High School and I loved it. I had never met someone special but I felt like I was doing a really important job, and my life was in no way empty. I never spoke of my past. The only things I kept from that time was the bass that Cliff had left me and a box full of photos which was safely stashed in the top of my closet. “All this time I thought you were just another Metallica fan.” “Oh I am, I just happened to have been married to the lead guitarist for 4 years.” I was sitting with my neighbour, and best friend, Michelle having a cup of coffee before he arrived. I had been so nervous that I’d almost dropped the kettle when I was trying to pour the hot water, so she had forced the story out of me. “What are you going to do?” “Talk to him, I guess… I don’t know why he’d want to talk to me, it was a pretty painful divorce.” “Maybe he just wants to talk about what really happened between you to, and apologize for what happened. I saw on MTV that’s he’s sober now.” “Yeah, I saw that too…” I continued to stare out the window. “And how does that make you feel?” “How do you think that makes me feel? I feel relieved that he won’t die in a pool of his own blood because he snorted too much coke, but I feel cheated that he couldn’t do it for me.” I looked at the clock, quarter to three. Kirk would be there any minute. “I better be going.” I didn’t say anything or even move to watch her go, though I heard the sound of the door close behind her. I was alone, waiting for him once more. The rain became heavier and all I could think about was how much had changed since the last time I saw him. I was thinking about whether he looked different, of course he did, I’d seen the pictures, the videos, and I knew that he was very different. In the interviews he seemed like such a better person. And it killed me a little to think that. There was a knock at the door. I slowly walked over to the door, took a deep breath and then opened it. Looking back at me was a totally different person then the one I had known so long ago. He hair was no longer wild and untamed, he seemed older and a little more mature, but that smile and those eyes, I remembered them fondly. “Hey, are you going to invite me in?” I realised that I had been standing there starring at him for almost 5 minutes. “Oh sorry, sure…” He stepped into the room, I was expecting him to comment on how small he place was, but he didn’t. “Let’s take a seat in the living room…” I said. We walked down the hall and went into the living room, it was small but I liked to think of it as cozy. “You kept it…” Kirk’s eyes instantly turned to the bass in the glass cabinet in the corner. “Of course I did, I think about him everyday…” “I know… So do I.” Kirk was looking at his feet; I think he was as nervous about this as I was. “So, why exactly did you come here after all this time?” “Well I have been looking back on my life and I realised that I did you wrong. I didn’t treat you well at all. And I am so sorry.” “Kirk, you weren’t bad to me. We just grew in different directions, that’s all.” I looked at the clock, it was already a quarter past three, and I was beginning to hope that this wouldn’t take much longer. “But I knew you didn’t like the drugs, and I continued, knowing I was hurting you.” “But it’s not all your fault, I never said anything. And we had some great times together. Some of the best years of my life were hanging out with you, and Metallica.” “I just wish there was some way I could make it up to you.” “There’s nothing I want or need, I’m perfectly happy with my life.” “You have everything you ever wanted I guess.” “And so do you.” “I’m sorry about my lawyers.” “And I’m sorry about mine.” “The others would really love to see you, we’ve all missed you.” “Really?” “Hell yes! You were with us through some of the best and some of the hardest years of our careers, and I’d like us to be friends again.” “I don’t know…” “Please?” A little bit of that neediness still shined through, even if he was all grown up now. “What would your wife think of that?” “I said friends, I’m allowed to have friends.” “Well…” I didn’t have time to finish what I was saying when the door swung open. “Hey! School was fine! Gotta get my guitar we’re jamming at Matt’s tonight…” A young guy of 13 came running into the room, tanned skin, wild black curls, and a cheeky grin across his face. He dropped his bag and looked open in the scene before him in ultimate surprise. “Kirk Hammett? In my living room?” The boy rushed over and was totally in awe. “I am your biggest fan, your work has changed my life…” Kirk appeared very uncomfortable, and I looked at the ground. “Mom, what’s going on her?” The boy said, looking at me, and then looking at Kirk. In his mind, he was beginning to work it out, and I could see the look in Kirk’s, he was beginning to understand. “Kirk, this is Cliff, your son.” |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:51 am Post #14 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 14 No one said a word for what felt like forever. “If you’re my father then how come I never got a letter, or a phone call, or a birthday present…” there was anger in his voice. “Because I never knew…” They both turned to look at me but I didn’t know what to say. At the time it had seemed like a good idea, Kirk was so caught up in drugs and was never home, he was in no way ready for the responsibility of being a parent. I knew in my heart that I had done the wrong thing, but I couldn’t make up for it. “Why didn’t you tell him about me?” Cliff asked me, I could see the disappointment in his eyes. “Well, I guess I didn’t think that Kirk would take care of you, and I didn’t want you to be disappointed…” “I really wasn’t the most responsible person in the world back then…” “I am sorry, really, and I wish I could make it up to you. I mean to the both of you.” Once again there was silence. “Me and my friends just thought that you loved Metallica, and that’s why you called me Cliff…” “Well, I do love their music, but I called you Cliff because he was a good friend, and I miss him.” “So that’s his bass?” “Yeah, it is…” I walked out of the room and came back in carrying an old shoebox. I handed it to Cliff. “Here are photos that will answer most of your questions.” Kirk and I sat there watching as Cliff looked at each and every photo individually, there were photos of the Metallica house, photos from drunken parties, James and various girlfriends, Lars and various girlfriends, tons of me and the guys, photos of Cliff, photos of Jason, photos of our wedding, photos of me and Ozzy, photos of me and Van Halen… slowly, my son was beginning to piece my past back together. “You were together for like forever…” he said finally. “Yeah, it was a long time…” “Why did you break up?” “Drugs…” Kirk said. He wasn’t going to lie to him, and neither was I. There had been enough lies already. “This is all so surreal, I mean I have worshipped you, I have read every interview, seen every picture, I know all your songs, I can play all your stuff, you are a God to me…” “And now I’m your Dad…” There was silence again; it was such an awkward moment. “Maybe I should get something to drink.” “Not that Kool-Aid stuff, I can’t stand it!” “How did you become such an Australian!” I yelled out as I walked into the kitchen. The tension was so thick in there that I just had to get out. How could I have not known that this would happen? Why wasn’t he yelling and screaming at me? And how was Kirk so calm? I walked back out into the room with three tall glasses of water. It was such a hot summer and our air-conditioning wasn’t working properly. “I want to make up for lost time, how would you and your mother and some of your friends like to come see us at the Big Day Out?” “Really? You mean it.” “Of course, I’m sure the other guys would love to meet you, and they want to see your Mom, so how ‘bout it? We could hang out after the show…” “Is that such a good idea?” I questioned. I remembered what ‘hanging out’ had been like after the show in the old days, and I didn’t Cliff involved in all of that. “We’re different now, I thought you knew that…” “Yeah, you’re right. It sounds like a great idea.” I didn’t mean to seem so uptight, but I had spent so many years trying to protect Cliff from all the drugs in the industry and I didn’t want all the work to go to hell. I left the room, I wanted Kirk and Cliff to have some quality time alone. Neither one of them would ever forgive me if I kept them apart any longer. |
![]() |
|
| kirkhammettismyman | March 17, 2006, 8:51 am Post #15 |
![]()
I was just a name in your little black book.
![]() ![]() ![]()
|
CHAPTER 15 I fell asleep on the couch after Kirk left. The whole afternoon had been emotionally exhausting, and Cliff was very distant. I could understand why he wasn’t speaking to me, but I hoped that the silence between us wouldn’t last forever. I woke up and it was night. I had been sleeping so deeply that I hadn’t even noticed that Cliff was sitting right next to me with the television as loud as possible. “Oh, hey Mom,” he said to me, sounding very cheerful, which was a good sign. I smiled at him, after seeing Kirk I realised how much he looked like his father. “I made dinner, but you were asleep and I didn’t want to wake you, it’s in the microwave…” He was such a thoughtful and kind boy that it made me feel even worse for keeping him from his father. “I’m sorry for keeping you from him, I don’t expect you to understand but…” “Mom, Mom, it’s okay, really, I’m okay.” But I didn’t want him to be just okay. I felt so guilty and I knew what I had done was wrong. “But, that’s not enough.” Cliff grabbed the remote from the coffee table and hastily turned down the television. At just 13, Cliff was growing up fast, he was already so mature and such a caring guy, he had grown up so well and he was constantly surprising me with how thoughtful, kind and honest he was. Sometimes, he even surprised himself. Though he was like Kirk in some ways, in other ways he was completely different, but that was to be expected. “Would you let it go, you can’t make up for the past, you can’t snap your fingers and everything will be better. This is going to take lots of time, and lots of work. Until half past three this afternoon I knew nothing about who I am, and now I have all of this dumped on me. I can forgive you right now, but I can’t forget about it just yet.” Everything he was saying just made so much sense. “I know what you mean, and I can’t make it up to you, no matter how hard I try. But we can fix it so that things from now on are better.” “Okay…” The week went quickly. Kirk called every day, to talk to me, to talk to Cliff, to sort things out, to make arrangements, it was still awkward, but it was getting better. At least now Cliff knew who he was and where he came from. Things were better between Cliff and me as well. Although now he kept asking to hear stories about me when I was younger, what were the guys really like, what was Jason like, what was touring like… What was Cliff like? “Cliff was great, he was smart, he was funny, he gave great advice, and he was a great friend. He would tell me ‘Kirk is a good boy’ and I would believe him. He did a lot of drugs, he wore his cowboy hat constantly, and he was skinny as a rake, but **** did I respect him. We all did. When he died, a part of me died as well. I couldn’t be that person that I was before.” “What do you mean?” “The party was over, I couldn’t be the rock star’s girlfriend anymore. I was paranoid that something would happen to your father. So I stressed, I worried, I became like their mother almost, and I did some really stupid things.” “You didn’t trust him anymore did you?” “No, I didn’t,” I sniffled, holding back tears, it was looking like Kirk, when he was much younger, and telling him his own life story. “And that’s why you didn’t tell him about me?” “I guess, it was a really stupid mistake. And I’m certainly not proud of it.” “So you all changed because of Cliff?” “Not intentionally, but I guess you’re right. I never meant to do the things I did, but I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I had put myself in a situation I couldn’t get of.” “Did you know about me when you left him?” “I had no idea. I wouldn’t have left if I knew. But by the time I did there were papers flying and lawyers this and I was already here…” I stared out the window. Cliff was curling his black hair around his finger, deep in thought. “Do you think they’ll like me?” “Who?” “Metallica.” “Of course they will, you’re his son, you’re my son, you’re you. They will love you.” “How do you know?” “Because I just do.” “You will come with me won’t you?” “Of course, I wouldn’t miss out on free passes to see Metallica for anything. Even if it does mean an awkward revisit of my past.” “Do you miss them?” I smiled at him and brushed a few strands of hair off his face. “Every single day.” “Can I have some of your old photos? I’ve never seen pictures of you so young before…” “You can’t have them, but tell me which ones you like and I’ll get copies.” “Okay.” That afternoon it was as if everything was back to normal. I sat down to work on my studies, (I was hoping to go to medical school so I was studying for my preliminary exams) and Cliff was in his room practising his guitar. He was really starting to get very good, perhaps it was in his blood. I was starting to get into the really hard stuff (and Cliff was working on the Sad But True solo) when there was a knock at the door. “I’ll get it!” Yelled Cliff. I heard him run down the hall, open then door and then I heard a familiar voice… “Holy ****, it’s true!” |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · Het / Gen · Next Topic » |






![]](http://z1.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)




8:41 PM Jul 10