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To Live is to Die
Topic Started: March 5, 2008, 12:49 am (59,963 Views)
Metalicious
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Blackened
[ * ]
Not bothering to get changed, though I desperately wanted to shower and put on clothes I hadn't been wearing for three days, I wandered through the house, searching for James. He wasn't upstairs. Pepper was still asleep on our bed, and I tucked the blankets around him before heading downstairs.

The dogs licked my hands and rubbed their noses against me, following me from room to room, looking at me curiously. "Where's James?" I asked Duke, and he let out a soft whine in return.

I pulled on a pair of sneakers and went outside, finally seeing him walking on the beach, head bowed, hands in his pockets. I started to go down the steps along the cliff, and he looked up at the same time. We were at least a hundred yards away from each other, but there was no mistaking the expression on his face. Turning around, he headed back down the beach, away from me.

I knew from living with him that there was time when it was okay to push, and ask to be let in on whatever he was feeling, and there was a time to leave him the hell alone. This was definitely an alone thing. I sat at the top of the steps, pulling my hands inside my sleeves, and decided to wait.

Pepper came out of the house half an hour later, holding coffee in one hand and a quilt in the other. "I don't know if I should hug you or smack you," he said, putting the coffee down and bundling me in the quilt. "We were so fuckin' worried."

I kissed him hello and took the coffee. "I'm sorry."

"Are you alright?" He brushed a hand over my hair, frowning at me. "You look exhausted. Where'd you go, anyway?"

I explained where I'd been, and why, as much as I could, and he leaned back against the wooden railing, shaking his head.

"I KNEW we should have gone to the airport. Damn. I'm slippin' on the whole 'able to read your mind' thing," he winked. "Did you guys get a chance to talk last night, then?"

I shook my head, shivering, and pulled the quilt tighter around me. "No." I stared down at the beach, where James was sitting on a huge boulder, his knees pulled up to his chest. "Not really." We sat in silence for a bit, and Pepper eventually went inside to call Trish and Jan.

James finally came up the steps from the beach. "Pepper still here?" he asked, looking over my head at the house.

"Yeah. He's calling Trish."

He nodded. "Good. He can drive you to the hospital to get checked out." He took the empty coffee mug from me and tilted his head towards the house. "C'mon."

I followed, confused.

He tossed the keys to the truck at Pepper, who caught them one-handed, still on the phone. Shrugging on his jacket, James slipped the keys to the Lincoln in his pocket, and pulled on a ball cap. "I'll be back later."

"Where are you going? I thought-" I stopped before I finished the sentence out loud. I thought he'd come with me to the hospital. I thought we'd be able to try talking. I thought I could make some attempt at explaining more why I'd left, and why I'd come back. But just because I was ready for all that, didn't mean he was, and I shouldn't have assumed we'd both be working off my own personal timetable. I stepped back. "Nevermind."

He studied me for a moment, completely unreadable. "I'll be at John's."

Pepper watched as James headed out the front door. "John Doyle?" he asked, putting the cordless phone on the counter.

I sank into one of the kitchen chairs, rubbing a hand over my face. James hadn't had to call John in months, and now he was heading over there in person, so clearly, a mere phone call wouldn't suffice. "Yeah. His sponsor."

************************

Trish met us at the hospital, bearing Starbucks and muffins. "Are you okay?" she grasped my hands, eyes searching mine.

"I think so," I tried to smile. "Guess we'll find out soon enough."

Trish and Pepper waited outside while I met with the doctor.

"You're doing remarkably well, physically. How are you feeling? You can get dressed," she added.

I ducked behind the divider, pulling on my jeans. "Tired. Just... tired."

"There are people you can talk to, Charlie. We can arrange for an appointment with the psychologist, or a counselor. Would you like me to set something up for you?"

"I'll think about it," I promised her.

She suggested a follow up appointment for two weeks' time, and advised that I up my iron intake to combat the slight anemia she'd noted. "I know it can be tempting to let your eating habits slip," she smiled, "but it's really important to make sure you're getting what you need. It'll help you feel better mentally, too. That doesn't mean you can't have the occasional day where you lie in bed and eat bonbons and cake-"

"Shit." I held up a hand when she looked startled. "I'm sorry. I have to go. Thank you. I'll see you in two weeks." Making my way down the hall, I found Pepper reading the paper, Trish's purse on his lap. "Where is she?"

"She went to get more coffee. She'll be right back," he replied, folding the newspaper up. "You okay?"

"No," I looked around for her, my eyes filling with tears. "It's her birthday today, and I forgot. I don't... does she... what about the party? Don't you have like, eighty people arriving at your house later? You shouldn't be here," I scolded him. "You're supposed to be picking up the cake, and the flowers, and we never heard back from her aunt-" I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and started dialing.

"Shh, shhhh," he took the phone from me, folding me into his arms. "Easy, baby. Take a breath. Jesus, you're shaking." Holding me tighter, he stroked a hand over my hair, murmuring soothing sounds in my ear, rocking me back and forth.

"Charlie? Honey, is everything alright?" Trish put a hand on my back, resting her head on Pepper's shoulder.

"It's your b-birthday," I stammered through my tears.

She blinked, and then flashed me a brilliant smile. "No, it's not."

I wiped my eyes, still clutching Pepper's shirt. "Yes it is. Today's the 23rd."

She waved a hand, dismissing me. "No, I totally forgot to tell you. My ma called last week, completely embarrassed, said there'd been some mix up for the last 27 years. My birthday's not until, like, November."

Pepper let out a muffled laugh against my hair.

I wiped at my eyes. “Stop it. This is important. You love your birthday.”

She wrapped an arm around my waist. “No, honey, you love your birthday. I like mine a lot, but I’d rather postpone anything that’s going on,” she shot Pepper a wry look, and I knew she knew all about her surprises, “and spend time with you. Maybe have a Charlie and Trish day? Watch some movies, eat candy, paint our toenails… lots of mindless stuff like that?”

I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to bail on her on her birthday, but I wanted to be at the house if and when James came home.

“Maybe tomorrow?” she suggested, obviously understanding my hesitation.

I nodded. “Tomorrow would be great.”

They drove me home, and made me promise to call and check in every couple of hours. “I just wanna make sure you don’t take off again,” Pepper reasoned. “If you won’t let me stay at the house with you, the least you can do is call – from the house – and let us know how you’re doing,” he said sternly.

I acquiesced, promising to call after I’d napped. The Lincoln was still gone, so I knew James was out, and I sat in the nursery, in the rocking chair, reading through the diary that James had been writing in for Caitlin.

I woke up with a start, still in the rocking chair, but covered with a soft blue blanket that was normally on the bed in Cali’s room. The door to the attic was open, and I padded up the steps, hearing giggles and squeals, and saw Castor chasing Marcella around the room. “Hi guys,” I waved, getting their attention.

They sprinted over, wrapping their arms around my legs and waist, talking over each other, keeping hold of me as we walked over to the couch. Castor climbed up beside me. “Papa said you were sick and you had to go away for a little while. But you’re okay now, right?”

I nodded, squeezing his hand when he held mine. “I’m fine, sweetie.”

He frowned, and put his other hand on my stomach. “But the baby’s gone.” He looked up at me. “Are you sad?”

I took a slow, deep breath and let it out. “Yeah. I am.” I started to say something about everyone being sad, but he shifted on the couch and put his little arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder.

“I’m sad, too,” Cella announced, as she joined us on the other side of me.

I put my arm around her, cuddling her close, and willed myself not to cry.

“Hey, you’re up,” James said quietly. I hadn’t heard him come upstairs. Cali was standing beside him, both of her hands holding on to his left one. She let go of him, stepping over to the couch.

“I put it back together,” she said softly, holding out the friendship bracelet she’d given me for Christmas. “It looks kinda funny where I had to use the sewing machine, though.” She shifted her weight from one foot to another, and I felt tears rolling down my face.

“Thanks, Cali. Can you tie it on for me?” I reached around Castor and held out my wrist, waiting as she double knotted the strings.

“Okay, okay, group hug,” James said behind her, and lifted the girls onto his lap as he took Cella’s place on the couch. I leaned against him, and kissed the top of Castor’s head, smiling when he didn’t pull away.

I didn’t know what James had told the kids about my absence, but they didn’t ask any other questions. We put a movie in, and James brought up popcorn, waiting until the kids were enthralled with the film before glancing at me and nodding that we should go downstairs.

I followed him down to the kitchen, and he plugged in the kettle to make tea, leaning against the island.

“What’d the doctor say?” he asked, taking a mug from the dishwasher and pulling my favourite maroon one from the cupboard. It was a small gesture, that he still thought of something like that, but it made me relax a tiny bit.

“That I’m recovering really well. Anemic, low blood sugar, nothing too dramatic.” I watched as he warmed the tea pot with hot water, and set the tea to steep. “How was seeing John?”

He looked away, blew out a breath. “Yeah, good. It was good. We talked about… a lot of stuff.” Retrieving the milk from the fridge, he poured some into the mugs. “He thinks it might be a good idea if I take a few days, maybe a week, and go somewhere.”

I frowned. “Like the cabin?”

He looked at me like I might be mildly retarded. “Like rehab.”

“Oh. Wow. Okay.” I had no idea what to say to that. “I…um…obviously whatever you feel you need to do, you know I support it. The kids and I will be fine-”

“The kids would go with Fran,” he interrupted.

I swallowed hard. Of course they would. I couldn’t even manage to keep our child alive, how could I possibly expect him to entrust me with the lives of his other three. “Oh,” was all I could manage out loud. “Yeah. Of course.”

He handed me my mug, and I put it down on the counter, feeling like I wasn’t strong enough to hold it all of a sudden. I turned, staring out the kitchen window at the ocean, and wondered if I’d actually done the right thing by coming back.

“Charlie?”

“Can I visit you? When you’re there? Or is that a bad idea?” I looked at him, and knew the answer without him saying a word. “That’s okay. I understand,” I tried to smile.

“I just need some time,” he said softly.

I nodded, staring out the window again. “Is there anything I can do? Do you need me to pick up anything for you to take, or can I drive you? I could take the kids to Fran’s after dinner. Or are you going tomorrow? You didn’t say when you were leaving.” Shut up, Charlie, I told myself. Stop babbling.

“I think I’m gonna go tonight. I’ll take the kids to Fran’s, and then drive over. I don’t need anything,” he added. “But thank you.”

“Okay. I think, um, unless you wanna talk about this more, I might go up and hang with the kids. I just wanna see them for a bit before they go. Is that alright? Do you mind?”

“Nah, it’s fine,” he shrugged. “I need to pack anyway.”

I picked up my tea, willing my hands not to shake, and headed upstairs, wondering how the fuck I was going to fix this.
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Mina
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Morgenstern
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Oh dear...


I really don't know what to write...

This is all getting so complicated...

Rehab and stuff...


Dear...


Can't wait to read more
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Lucifer's Angel
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Heavy Metal Seanchai
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Yeah, rehab is some heavy stuff :( I hope James is all right :(
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Metalicious
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Blackened
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*winks*

I do believe y'all asked for a bit more drama.

Just...trust me. :)


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elena
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Outlaw Torn
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Oh God!It's so sad!I hope that When James will turn back he and Charlie will be together again.They really need to love each other.
I hope they will be ok!And I hope you will write soon because I can't wait for more.This fiction is more than great! :heart:
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Broken, Beat & Scarred
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I'm really glad that James is willing to go to rehab and that he went to see his sponsor instead of getting drunk or whatever. (Well, he might have gotten drunk before, I wouldn't know, but I kinda doubt it...) Anyway. Sucks for Charlie, but it should be good for James nonetheless. I hope that everything will turn out okay and that Charlie won't think that James will leave her etc and freak out because of that, doing something stupid like leaving...

More soon, please? :biggrin :heart:
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maisy blue
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Some Kind Of Monster
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How did I miss an update?! I'm absolutely shocked (and delighted) that there were not one, but TWO updates for me to read. I think it's because a) this fiction stays on the top because everyone adores it and b) people comment almost instantly after you post. I need to remember to check it more often.

My heart breaks for Charlie and James.

Quote:
 
A light was on in the kitchen and I saw James leaning against the counter, a glass tumbler in his left hand. I watched as he took a deep breath, let it out, and swallowed what was left in the glass.


These two sentences were amazing- I was sure that it was alcohol but then it turned out to be juice. That was a great narrative trick. It also sort of hinted how delicate this situation really is. And how easy it would be for James to throw years and years of work away. Just a few ounces of liquid....

that said, I'm relieved he decided to go to rehab. I think it will give James an outlet and a place to really let himself go (safely) and it will give Charlie a chance to find herself, which I think she needs. One thing about Charlie is that she so easily gets lost in things. I would love to see her realize how amazing she is and then kind of evolve and decide on her *own* path. She seems to let people carry her up with them and she blames herself for everything, which is so unfair for her. I would love to see her make some firm choices for HERSELF for once. For her to forgive herself for the loss of the baby and for the mess with James and even for the attack and stand really solid in who she is. (Okay, girl-power schpeel over now, sorry!)

Quote:
 
“Oh. Wow. Okay.” I had no idea what to say to that. “I…um…obviously whatever you feel you need to do, you know I support it. The kids and I will be fine-”

“The kids would go with Fran,” he interrupted.

Oh, this broke my heart. I know logically the kids *should* go with Fran, but I could easily see how Charlie could internalize it as James telling her she wasn't capable or can't be trusted with his kids. That she wasn't truly part of the family in any way.

Argh. This is GOOD fiction. It's ripping my heart out. I hope they can work it out.


:heart: :heart: :heart:
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Metalicious
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Blackened
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Thanks girls. I've still got some stuff in store for these two.

Minna - don't worry, James is still securely ON the wagon. :biggrin

Maisy - Charlie will get there, eventually. She just takes her sweet ass time figuring out that her feelings are as worthwhile as those around her.

Thanks for sticking with me, girls. The story's getting easier to write, now that I have a plan.
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Virtual Bettie
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Poor Twisted Me
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What a wonderful chapter, I know how hard it is not to lapse into old habits when the shit hits the fan. Good on James for not falling back into the bottle.

Well, that which doesn't kill you, blah,blah,blah. I'm sure Charlie doesn't want to hear any of that malarky, but it is true.

I hope these trials and tribulations make Charlie and James connection that much stronger.
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elena
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Outlaw Torn
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I can't wait for more!What will happen next?What will do Charlie as long as james is in rehab?Please write more!!!! :heart: :heart: :heart:
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White Oyster
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Bad Seed
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Yay ! The story is back ! I'm so happy ! :biggrin
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Mina
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Morgenstern
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I wonder when the next update will be..
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Virtual Bettie
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Poor Twisted Me
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Mina
Jul 29 2008, 01:12 PM
I wonder when the next update will be..

I'd like to second that not so subtle hint, LOL. :biggrin
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elena
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Outlaw Torn
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Mina
Jul 29 2008, 05:12 AM
I wonder when the next update will be..

Me too...
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Metalicious
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Blackened
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Sorry for the delay, ladies. I haven't had time to write (or leave feedback for my favourite stories either!) in ages. I'm hoping to get caught up in the next few days - it's a long weekend here. Thanks for your patience. It's nice to know you're still interested! :biggrin
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