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| To Live is to Die | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: March 5, 2008, 12:49 am (59,956 Views) | |
| Virtual Bettie | October 22, 2008, 5:30 am Post #331 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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We can only hope that is is "James to the rescue" and not "James needs to be rescued". |
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| Metalicious | October 22, 2008, 6:16 am Post #332 |
Blackened
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LOL - where's the fun in that? |
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| Metalicious | October 22, 2008, 11:08 pm Post #333 |
Blackened
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Part 1 of 2... ***************************************************** I stood totally still, wondering if I were hallucinating. "Hi," I whispered. "Hey," he replied, his voice equally quiet. "I didn't know you were coming. I would have, um, we could have picked you up. At the airport. Did you just get in? Are you staying here?" I couldn't seem to stop babbling. I finally held up a madeleine. "Cookie?" He smiled, shaking his head. "No, thanks. I'd take a hug, though." I didn't need to be asked twice. Practically jumping on him, I threw my arms around his neck, wrapping my legs around his waist when he lifted me off the floor. I buried my face in his neck, breathing in the familiar scent of him, and held on firmly when he strode over to the counter to deposit me on it. "I'm not done," I mumbled against his chest, moving my arms down to thread through his, linking them behind his back. "That's okay," he laughed softly, stroking a hand over my head. "You cut your hair," he observed, tilting my chin up so he could see me. "I like it." Running a thumb over my cheekbone, he studied me carefully. "Where's Kirk?" "Outside with Lani." Finally releasing him, I slid down from the counter. "This way." Taking his hand, I led him through the house and into the courtyard. "James! Hi!" Kirk grinned, putting down his guitar. "Good to see you, man," he returned the bear hug James gave him, and stepped back so Lani could greet him too. "Take a seat." James dropped to one of the lounge chairs, moving over to make room for me when I sat beside him. "Sorry about the surprise factor. This was kind of a last minute thing." "No worries," Kirk assured him, glancing at me and then back at James. "Glad to have you here. Lani and I were just discussing dinner plans. We were thinking of checking out the Thai place down the street from Matt. You guys interested?" I didn't answer. I wanted to see what James would say. "Sure. That sounds cool. What time were you thinking?" He rubbed his palms over his shorts and looked at his watch. "Sevenish? That work for you, Charlie?" Kirk looked at me again, and I could tell he was trying to gauge my reaction to James being there. "What time were you gonna meet Matt?" I shrugged. "Six o'clock, but I can reschedule. He won't mind. Lawn bowling," I said to James, when he looked confused. "Cool. I'm heading to the beach for a bit. We'll see you guys at seven." He patted James' shoulder and rumpled my hair on his way past. Lani followed, giving me an encouraging smile as she went. "Did you want to put your stuff somewhere? There are empty rooms here, or you can stay in the guest house." I stood, fighting the urge to pace. He watched me, looking faintly amused. "Lawn bowling?" I opened my mouth to reply, and closed it again, rolling my eyes. "This guy Matt that we know, his family owns a retirement home, and there's this really sweet old man named Cecil, and he likes lawn bowling. He can't always find somebody to play against him, so Matt and I take him on every couple of days. I suck, and he always thinks I'm just letting him win, when he's actually much better than me, and he tells me stories about his wife, and he hits on the nurses, and he's lonely." James nodded. "And you?" he said softly. "Have you been lonely?" "No," I said quickly. "Not once. I mean, I missed you, and I miss Pep and Trish and Jan and everybody, but I haven't been lonely. You were right to suggest that I come here. Honestly." I rubbed the hem of my shirt between my fingers. "Were you? Lonely, I mean?" He shrugged, looking around the yard. "There wasn't a lot of time to be lonely. I was surrounded by people most of the time, and when I wasn't, I was sleeping, or talking to you, or Pep, or Lars, or Fran and the kids." I smiled. "Trish said Cali stayed over with them last night." I recounted the story of her falling asleep before the movie was over, and he chuckled. "She loves Pepper. I'm glad they got to hang out." Standing, he shoved his hands in his pockets. "So, wanna show me around?" I led him back into the house and gave him a little tour of all the rooms. He made no move to take his bag with him, leaving it in the kitchen while we wandered around. We reached the garden again and James squinted at me in the sunlight. "And the guest house?" Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the iron gate that led to the driveway and he followed me, across the little lawn and patio, through the door of the house. The dogs immediately came over to greet him, sniffing and whining softly and licking his palms when he reached down to pat them. "It's nice in here. Really light and airy," he noted. "What's that for?" He nodded to the elevator door. I pushed the button and the heavy door slid open. "Storage," I smiled, showing him the empty suitcases. We went up to the loft, and I looked away as he glanced around at the little pieces of home I'd brought with me. My favourite candles, two small framed pictures of me with James and the kids, and one with me and Pep, the chunk of amethyst Sully had given me, and the ring I'd received from James on my birthday, still on a chain. "You're not wearing it?" he asked, lifting it off the bedside table and looking at me questioningly. "The salt water's not good for it. Neither is the sand. I just didn't want it to get tarnished. I keep it with me all the time, James." Nodding slowly, he put it back on the table, continuing to look around the loft. "You must wake up pretty early with the light." I smiled. "I wake up pretty early with Kirk knocking on my door every morning around 5:30." "Surfing?" he smiled back at me. "Or yoga." I shoved my hands in my back pockets in an attempt not to touch him. I still felt so unsure about what he wanted and why he was here. "Are you hungry at all? Need anything to tide you over until we go for dinner?" He shook his head, hands on his hips. "Maybe some tea, though? We could sit outside and have it. Why don't I go make it and you can call your friend about the lawn bowling thing," he winked. "Okay. I'll meet you in a few minutes." I pulled out my phone and watched him head back downstairs. Dialing Matt's number, I dropped onto the bed, sighing heavily just as he picked up. "What's up, doll. Did you call to do some heavy breathing? Cause I've got caller ID, so it's not that scary..." I laughed. "No, not exactly. I have to bail on our bowling date with Cecil. James arrived today, unexpectedly, and we're going out with Kirk and Lani. I'm sorry about the short notice. Will you please tell Cecil I'll make it up to him tomorrow or Monday?" "Sure, no worries." He paused. "Are, um, are you alright? You totally don't have to talk about it, I just know you mentioned feeling kind of unsure about things." "I'm fine." And I really didn't want to get into it with Matt, in case I discovered that I wasn't fine at all. "I'll call you tomorrow. Hugs to Maggie." "M'kay, doll. Bye." I found James on his way to the courtyard when I got there, a teapot and creamer and two delicate tea cups precariously balanced on a silver tray that he held with one hand while he pushed the door open. "Fancy," I raised an eyebrow, taking the tray from him. "I couldn't find a plastic tray or real mugs," he grumbled. "I'm liable to crush this thing if I pick it up too quickly," he gestured to the light pink and gold rimmed cup. I giggled. "Hulk angry," I mock-growled at him, pouring a little milk into one cup. He laughed, leaning back in his lounge chair and crossed his arms behind his head. "Hilarious, Tyler." I stood to pour the tea, and noticed James watching me carefully again. "Quit staring at me, Hetfield. It's weird." "I haven't seen you a while, that's all. You look different. You look well," he emphasized. "I looked unwell when you last saw me?" I asked pointedly, and then realized he was right. "I guess sleep and sun and food made entirely of plants I can't pronounce might have a positive effect on a person..." "You looked exhausted when you left," he said, not unkindly. "And now you don't. It's a good thing, Charlie." My heart sped up a little at the soft way he said my name, and I wondered absently if that would ever stop being the case. "Thanks." Clearing my throat, I decided now was as good a time as any to get the inevitable overwith. "How are you feeling? About everything?" "Honestly? A little scared," he replied. "About everything. About touring, about the album coming out," he took a breath. "I need to ask you a favour," he stated. "And before I do, you should know that it's not easy for me to ask this. And I can't imagine it'll be easy for you to do it. But I need you to try. Please." He put his cup down, too, and leaned forward, hands clasped, elbows on his knees. And dropped his head forward. "James?" I got up and knelt in front of him. "Sweetie, whatever it is, just ask. Please don't be scared." Kissing his forehead, I stroked a hand over his hair, wondering what was so awful that he had to psych himself up to talk about it. He raised his head to look at me. Taking a deep breath, he sat back, raking a hand through his hair. "We need to take a break." |
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| Metalicious | October 22, 2008, 11:11 pm Post #334 |
Blackened
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I sat back on my heels, shocked as hell. "I'm sorry, what?" He looked away, clearing his throat and rubbing his face, and his left leg was bouncing up and down, all his tells for when he was nervous or anxious. "We need to take a break. Not a break-up - I don't want to end this. This isn't like before," he said firmly, referring to what I assumed was the Dominican debacle. He reached out and took my hands. "I'm not explaining myself well at all." He shot me a wane smile. "Please hold," he joked. "James, this isn't funny. What...what kind of break?" Sighing, he pulled me up from the grass and planted me on his lap, wrapping his arms around me so I was pressed against his chest. "Better," he mumbled quietly, apparently to himself. "Do you remember, at the cabin, when we talked about the first time I went to rehab? How things worked when I got out?" I settled against him, resting my cheek against his chest, and tried to recall that particular conversation. "You said it was hard. Harder than you'd thought. That rehab was so sheltered and protected, and going back into the real world felt like a shock to your system. Following the guidelines in rehab was one thing, but you said it felt almost impossible when you got back home. No drinking, no drugs of any kind..." I trailed off when I remembered what else he'd been expected to abstain from. "No sex," he finished for me. I pushed a hand against his chest and leaned back so I could see his face. "Seriously? That is why we need to take a break?" I wanted to slap him for scaring me so badly. "You can't sleep with me, so we don't get to be together at all? Jesus, James..." Bundling me back into his arms, he growled something about calming down, which only served to annoy me further, and then he pressed his hand to my lips. "You're a terrible listener when you're mad," he muttered, kissing my cheek. "I'm not supposed to attempt a relationship, Charlie. And to tell you the truth, I don't really feel strong enough for one at the moment. I just need a little time, and a little space, just to ensure I'm stable enough for this. I will be," he added, squeezing me tightly. "I just don't want to give you half a person. I want to be whole. And healthy. And strong," he added. "Hulk stupid," I mumbled against his neck, and he laughed. "I need you to understand how important this is to me. To us," he corrected. "It's not that I don't care for you, or find you attractive, or want to do really bad things with you," he sighed. "But I can't. Not right now." I curled up against him, wanting to get as close as possible since it seemed this wasn't likely to happen again for a while. "When? How long do you need?" He was silent for a minute. "That's the really hard part," he said softly. "I have no idea." "So, let me get this straight. You came all the way to Hawaii to tell me that you need space? Isn't that-" "Backwards? Kind of. But with the tour starting so soon, things are about to get insane. I wanted to see you before all that. And this isn't the kind of thing we can really discuss over the phone. You probably would've hung up on me." I shrugged. He wasn't wrong. "Wait," my head snapped up, knocking him in the chin. "Sorry. But, are you saying... the tour. I'm not going? Like, at all?" This was completely different than what we'd previously agreed. Initially, we'd thought that Caitlin and I would travel with James, with Trish and Pepper flying out to various cities, too. Now, without Caitlin, that plan was out the window. "It wouldn't be fair to either of us if you came along. Not right now, anyway." He tried to hook an arm around me when I stood up, but I scrambled out of his grasp. "This is because I left, isn't it," I whispered. "No, Charlie-" "It's true. That's what's really at the root of all this. You think I'll just leave again. So you're distancing yourself now. Just in case." I wasn't surprised. It made perfect sense to me. "I'm not leaving," I said firmly. "You can throw a no-sex rule at me. You can tell me we have to table this entire thing," I waved a hand between us, "for as long as you want. You can go halfway around the world, James. I'm not leaving." I turned on my heel to storm out of the garden, and then realized that was totally opposite to the message I was trying to send. "I need to shower before we go out, so I'm going to do that. That doesn't count as leaving," I pointed out, hoping he'd see it that way too. I figured he'd want his own little respite after our conversation, so I was surprised when I came down to the living room after my shower, clad in just a towel, to find him sprawled on the couch, flipping through a magazine. He looked up, cursed under his breath and dropped his eyes to the magazine again. I padded over to stand in front of him. "Problem?" "Please put some clothes on," he murmured without looking up. "I beg your pardon?" I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice, but it came through anyway. "Please, Charlie," he looked up, clearly frustrated. "Just get dressed. You're not making this any easier." His gaze travelled down my body and back up again, and he let out an exasperated sigh. My mouth dropped open and I quickly closed it again. "Oh. Sorry." I jogged back upstairs and threw on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. "Better?" I asked when I came back down. He looked over at me. "No, but thank you for trying." He moved his feet and gestured for me to sit. "Did you put on body lotion?" I stared at the floor, afraid to answer him. "Maybe." I looked up to see him rolling his eyes. "It's habit, James. I'm not doing it on purpose." I felt tears sting at my eyes. "I can shower again." He caught my hand as I stood, and gently tugged me back down to the couch. "No, don't. You don't have to. I'm sorry, Charlie. This is just so much harder than I thought it would be. I had it all worked out in my head. Come here, talk to you, explain how things are, go home, go on tour, come back and live happily ever after." Squeezing my hand, he let go, folding his arms across his chest. "Turns out it doesn't work like that. It's not that easy." "Because I'm making it hard?" I choked out. The corners of his mouth twitched. "Yes." I threw a pillow at him. "Because I'm making it difficult?" He shook his head. "You're not to blame, sweetie. Nobody is. I just thought I had way more self-control than this. I guess that's not the case when it comes to you." I turned sideways so I was facing him. "James, c'mon. If you actually saw me with nothing on, we wouldn't be having this conversation." "I know," he nodded, eyes wide, and I couldn't help laughing. "Be serious. You were right. I look different." I stroked a hand over his leg and then stopped myself. "Sorry." "Force of habit," he smiled. "When do you and I ever talk without touching?" I gave him a sad smile, and nodded. I remembered Sully telling me once when I'd stayed with him, that I talked more easily when I was being touched or held. He'd been right. James and I didn't have heavy discussions sitting across the room from each other. Conversation between us was a full-contact sport. "I don't know how to do this," I said softly. "I don't either. But we'll learn." "You've done this before, though. You have an unfair advantage," I stared at the couch, tracing a fingernail over the ridge of the pillow. "Not really," he sighed. "This is completely different." He caught the wary look I shot him and held up his hands. "Think about it. If I'm in a room, and you walk in, how long does it normally take before I wind up beside you." I thought for a moment. "Depends on the size of the room, how many people you have to shove aside to get to me-" "Charlie," he said in a warning tone. "Five seconds," I said. "Maybe less." He nodded. "And how long after that before I drag you off to some closet to cop a feel?" I shot him a look, recalling the Christmas party at HQ, when he'd practically groped me during the staff gift exchange. "Sometimes you don't even bother with a closet," I reminded him. He grinned. "See?" Leaning forward, he took my hand. "I'm not good at being close to you... without being close to you." "I don't know why that has to change. I like when you touch me. I like holding your hand, and hugging you, and kissing you." I swallowed hard. "You haven't kissed me since you got here." "Because I don't think I'd be able to stop," he said quickly, his voice low and quiet. I considered this for a moment and stood up. "I need to dry my hair and stuff before we go. Can I meet you in half an hour or so? I assume you'll be staying in the main house." I didn't wait for his response before I headed back upstairs, my mind going into overdrive thinking about everything he'd said. When I emerged from the bathroom twenty minutes later, make up and hair done, Kirk was sprawled on my bed, his wet suit undone to his waist. He turned his head and held out a hand, pulling me down on the bed beside him for a hug. He smelled like sun and salt water. "You okay, sweetie?" "No," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper. I lifted my head, resting my chin on his chest and stared at him. "I don't know how much more of this either one of us can take. I really thought everything would be okay when he got back. I don't understand why it would be so bad if I came along on the tour. At least for the first leg. The last thing we need is to be apart more..." Kirk sat up, cross legged, and looked at me. "I think he's just worried that he won't be able to do his job and take care of you at the same time. Touring's insanely demanding, Charlie. Even with all the adjustments we've made over the years, the more humane way we do it now...it's still hectic and tiring and James probably thinks that after a full day of interviews and shows and God knows what else, he won't have anything left for you." "I don't need anything. I just need him." He shot me a sympathetic smile, patting my knee. "Right now I don't think he even has that to offer you, honey." Sliding off the bed, he kissed the top of my head. "I'm gonna go change. I'll see you over there shortly." |
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| maisy blue | October 22, 2008, 11:22 pm Post #335 |
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Some Kind Of Monster
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*sigh* Great stuff, as usual, but heartbreaking and frustrating.
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| elena | October 23, 2008, 7:28 am Post #336 |
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Outlaw Torn
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So sad! I understand Charlie.It's so hard for her. Maybe James realy needs some time,but I hope not very much.More!
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| Mina | October 23, 2008, 12:11 pm Post #337 |
Morgenstern
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Ah *sighs* Wonderful and bittersweet chapters. I understand how both of them feel and I really hope that everything will be alright for them in the end. Keep it up, you're brilliant. |
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| Taimi | October 23, 2008, 10:03 pm Post #338 |
Junior OSA Council member
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good updates...*yawns* i'm off to bed |
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| Virtual Bettie | October 26, 2008, 12:06 am Post #339 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Ahhhh, I so love James "rescue me" Hetfield. |
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| Samyzvezda | November 5, 2008, 2:59 am Post #340 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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......hey darling, good chapter....... waiting for updates! |
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| neonguitarstrings | November 16, 2008, 2:39 pm Post #341 |
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Bad Seed
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Great chapter ;DDD Updates soon? |
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| Taimi | November 17, 2008, 12:24 am Post #342 |
Junior OSA Council member
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when are you going to update this |
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| Metalicious | November 17, 2008, 7:15 am Post #343 |
Blackened
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Hopefully later today. I've been working on something new - it's been very distracting. |
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| Taimi | November 17, 2008, 3:32 pm Post #344 |
Junior OSA Council member
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no worries! |
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| Metalicious | November 17, 2008, 8:27 pm Post #345 |
Blackened
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"You're up early," James commented when I returned from surfing the next morning. He was sitting at the kitchen table in a white tee shirt and purple board shorts, his legs stretched out so his bare feet rested on one of the other chairs. I knew he hadn’t spent more than two hours, at most, outside since arriving, but he’d already picked up a golden hue. The tan gave him a healthy glow that was at odds with how tired he seemed. "Last day," I reminded him. "I didn't want to waste it." Raking a hand through my still damp hair, I rummaged through the fridge for smoothie ingredients. Throwing a variety of fruit into the blender with some protein powder, I tossed in some ice and held my hand on the lid, feeling James' eyes on me. "Did you sleep well?" He'd stayed in the main house in one of the guest bedrooms, while I'd spent a restless night alone. "Not really. It was really hard to stay put. I wanted to go see you," he said softly. I shrugged. "You could have. I was awake." I poured the smoothie mix into a glass and put the blender pitcher in the fridge for Kirk. "What time's the flight?" He'd made all the arrangements without consulting me, simply informing me during dessert the previous night that we were all leaving the next day. "Two o'clock." "And what time are we meeting with, um..." I couldn't remember the name of the priest who James had contacted for Caitlin's memorial service. "We won't get back in time to meet with him tonight, but I've got a conference call scheduled with him in a few hours. Kirk said we can use the phone in the back office." He made air quotes around the last word and I smiled. Kirk's office was full of surf boards, books, animal bones and tiki furniture. The only thing office-like about it was the phone. I nodded. “I really appreciate you setting that up.” He shrugged. “I wanted it done before the tour starts. I know it’s unpleasant, Charlie, I’m not suggesting you should have organized anything.” I stared at the counter. I felt guilty for putting it off for so long but there hadn’t exactly been a convenient time to bury our daughter. “Thanks all the same. I’m gonna go pack my stuff and I wanna say goodbye to Matt, so…” James slid off his chair. “Sure. I’ll see you later. I’ve got faxes from Lars to look at, so I’ll be out by the pool.” I watched him leave, and then dialed Matt’s number. “I’m leaving for home,” I told him. “You have one hour to organize a lawn bowling game, round up your sisters so I can say goodbye to them, and teach me how to do a handstand on a surfboard,” I said in a rush. He laughed. “I know I promised to teach you that by the time you left, but I thought I’d have more time! Why so soon?” Sighing, I leaned against the counter, watching James in the backyard. He pulled off his tee shirt and stretched out in a lounge chair, shielding his eyes with papers I assumed were the faxes from Lars. “Baby burying and pre-tour organizing,” I replied. “Got time for a coffee or something?” “Of course.” I headed over to the retirement home, and we sat on the back porch, watching Cecil get his ass kicked by one of the other residents. Matt’s mom brought out coffee and pastries, and several of the elderly ladies who lived there dropped by to say hello, and to flirt with Matt. “Will you come visit?” I asked him, finishing off my second apple turnover. “Definitely. If you’re this much fun when you’re in the middle of several personal crises, I can’t want to hang out with you when things are going well,” he grinned. “And Maggie has family in San Fran. We’ll be visiting. You could always come back, you know,” he said slowly. “James’ll be on tour, you’re not going back to work for a while, I still have to teach you how to do the handstand…” I put my coffee mug down and turned to face Matt. “I, um, I had an idea.” He immediately looked concerned. “That doesn’t sound good.” “I wanna go on tour with James. I’m supposed to go on tour with him. That’s what we’d agreed on. And we’ve already spent too much time apart,” I said, frustrated, and Matt interrupted. “But he had to go to rehab. And you had to come here so you could meet me and learn the fine art of lawn bowling.” He leaned closer, putting a hand over mine. “And you should respect James enough to honour his wishes. If he says he needs to tour without you, I’d suggest you go along with that.” “But I miss him,” I said, perilously close to whining. Matt sat back in his chair, drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around his legs. “So miss him. And let him miss you. He’ll probably ask you to come on tour later.” I glared at him, very unhappy with not getting the response I’d wanted. He shot me an indulgent smile. “Are you in Metallica?” Rolling my eyes, I shook my head. “No touring for you. C’mon, let’s see if we can wrangle you some turnovers for the road.” Tugging me up off my chair, he pulled me behind him into the house. James was in the backyard when I returned, napping in the lounge chair. I dropped to the grass next to his chair, watching his chest rise and fall gently with each breath. His tattoos always looked more prominent when he was tanned, and I rand a hand over the one on his arm that read “lead me not into temptation”. Maybe Matt was right. Maybe going on tour wasn’t the best idea. If James thought that being apart would help him get stronger, and allow him to focus… I shook that thought off. Fuck it. I had to at least try. I knew he was scared I was going to leave again, but leaving me wasn’t going to solve anything. As if sensing my presence in his sleep, James woke up, turning his head to look at me. “Hi. Did you get to say goodbye?” “Yeah. He promised to visit.” I kept running a fingertip over his tattoo, and looked up at him, stilling my hand when I saw the uncertainty in his eyes. “Sorry. We should probably go inside for that phone call.” He nodded, and we went into the house together. |
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Great stuff, as usual, but heartbreaking and frustrating.


8:39 PM Jul 10