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| I'm The One Who Waits For You...; Metallica, Iron Maiden, James/OFC | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: November 24, 2009, 5:26 pm (66,452 Views) | |
| Harvester of Sorrow | June 27, 2011, 10:12 pm Post #841 |
Some Kind Of Monster
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You knew I'd love this chapter. You knew it! I love his method, even the whole preparation (and previous choice) of the room. So detailed. So magnificent.
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| 4everJamie | June 28, 2011, 2:56 am Post #842 |
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Hmmm..what can I say about this update?EXCELLENT!!!!!
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| tuesday's gone | June 28, 2011, 8:26 am Post #843 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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Analytical, INTELLIGENT writing is where you're at home and that is so obvious in every sentence of this chapter. John's meticulous preparations of the room followed by his methodical attempts to get to the bottom of Angel's story, persistent, but unobtrusive, polite and friendly just as the setting he prepared. And then the fight of two intelligent minds, the intricate game of poking and probing, insinuations and speculations, like rope pulling. Beautifully written and so interesting, captivating and smart. And that's really all I can say for the time being, because emotionally I'm still stuck in that little bistro two chapters ago...
Edited by tuesday's gone, June 28, 2011, 8:31 am.
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| Olyamet | July 4, 2011, 1:17 pm Post #844 |
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Jäger.....
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SOOORRRYYYY!!!! I'm really sorry, for the luck of update. I was so busy lately, I had no time to write! Love you girls, I promise to have something soon!
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| Freyja | July 5, 2011, 7:55 am Post #845 |
Outlaw Torn
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You'd better... *clutching an axe*
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| Olyamet | July 10, 2011, 12:30 pm Post #846 |
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Jäger.....
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Sorrryyyy!!! Thanks for waiting girls! Love you all! I guess I'm dragging my feet on this, 'cuz I know it's almost over. A few more updates, epilogue and THE END. I feel sad finishing it... but it has to be done, it was going on forever. I don't want it to turn into never ending story. So.... Here is more. XXXXV. All Within My Hands. (James' POV) Another two months had passed, for the first time in my life I was working through my issues without numbing myself with alcohol. It was uncomfortable and mentally draining, I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster, but as time went on, my subconsciousness finally gave up fighting back and I started to trust John. Maybe a part of it all was that I wasn't afraid of Angel to see me like this. Her tour had started, and I knew she wouldn't be able to visit me until it was over, by that time I was planning to come out of rehab with spare time to recharge and get ready for our talk. The lack of alcohol bothered me in the beginning, but not as much as I thought it would, the lack of fandom was a nice change. Just a quiet life, with no one looking at you as a God, no one expecting you to do something rebellious, or outrageous, or great. No need to prove anything to anyone, no need to act badass, no need for masks. I was just one of many people here, not better than anyone, not worse. Something that happened yesterday got me thinking that the day of freedom was closer than I thought. I was just strolling along the multiple garden trails, when a girl I saw earlier by John's office caught up with me. She introduced herself and started raving about how great it was for her to meet The Mighty Het. I must admit it was nice to hear her talking of how much she loved my music, how she felt the lyrics helped her though a lot. She was here trying to clean up from a cocaine addiction and I felt that we had something in common. We talked all evening, and then I was put to a real test. It started with flirty smiles, hands casually and 'not purposely' brushing over my arms. All of it was just the same old song and dance I used to enjoy, the difference this time was that I didn't, it made me feel uncomfortable. I pretended that I had to go, trying to retreat into my room, and she stopped her play, bluntly asking me if she could join me and warm up my bed. I left hearing the words she whispered to my back: “If you change your mind, you know where to find me, no one has to know. Anytime you want to... just a little fun on the side, I have a little secret stash with some whiskey...” Booze and sex... anytime I wanted, within my reach, with no stings attached, no one has to know... I thought about it on the way to my room, trying to figure out how it made me feel, trying to listen to my thoughts, and smiled. Thanks, but no thanks, as soon as I thought that, my smile grew wider and I walked into my room very proud of myself. Almost a year of celibacy, and six months of sobriety and I didn't find anything she said tempting. She was a very good looking girl, she had looked at me with that lusty look I used to enjoy, she was willing and she had booze. And none of it was tempting. I couldn't wait for the morning session with John. I'm done, it's over, I can be free. I told him the story, not revealing the name of that girl, feeling proud of myself. John listened to me carefully, and smiled at the end. “This is a great improvement! I'm proud of you, you severed your psychological dependency, but... we're not done yet.” “What do you mean? I did what I came here to do... I cleansed all this shit, all of it, booze, easy girls... didn't you hear me? None of it was tempting for me, now I can go back and--” I stumbled on John's penetrating gaze. “And? What will you tell your wife?” “That I... that I don't need those thing in my life anymore...” I heard myself mumbling, suddenly less sure of my victory. “And? Are you prepared to tell her the truth?” John's words sent shivers down my spine. Did he get to know me that well? “She knows the truth... it was all those... drunk stupid decisions..” I squeezed the words out, feeling uneasy under a strong brown stare. “James... if you cover up one lie with another lie, it will never go away. It will be there between you two forever, it will eat at you and you'll end up back here. You can't ask her to make a decision without knowing it all. You will feel guilty, you will know she took you back and you lied to her. I ask you again. Are you ready to tell her the real truth?” “That is the real truth...” I lowered my head, hiding my eyes. I know it John... you're right... I will feel guilty... but I can't... “Are you trying to lie to me or to yourself?” I sighed in response and John continued in a softer voice. “James, you've come too far to throw it all away. You have to finish it, you have to come clean.” His words slammed into my mind like a gavel of the judge on the sound block, pinging my verdict. “I can't...” I pleaded, feeling my whole world spinning out of control. “There is no other way. She's a smart woman, she would never believe that you lied just because you got caught off guard or that you just got scared. She knows you better that anyone, better than me, and even I know that you choose to lie to cover something worse. You have to tell her the truth.” “I can't... John... I just can't...” I breathed out with a sigh. “James, I know it's your decision and I can't press you to do anything, but... she deserve to know the truth. This is what I think. You can lie to her or try to avoid this topic, and it will be fine for some time, but trust me, it will surface eventually. You can let her believe that it was just a tempting sexual adventure with a woman who's a pro. As far as I know, it's the worst hit on any woman's ego, to think that some woman was better--” “She would never think that! She knows what we have is not even close to anything that I ever felt with anyone else. It's more than sex... what we have is... it's just so much more! She knows that.” She would never think that... she knows. “Then why did you lie?” Brown eyes scanned my face, reaching deep inside. I closed my eyes and whispered the words. “Because... I chose to lie, because the truth would be the end of us.... right now I've lost her trust, and it's a big thing... but if she knows the truth... I will lose everything. I will lose her respect, I will lose her love.” “Tell me. Tell me the real truth.” Softer voice, softened gaze. I breathed in and surrendered to his will. “Angel hates guys who treat women like things... she despises them, she thinks it's the worst thing ever, to treat another human like a slave... and that... that was... what I did... that was the part that was so addicting for me... the part I enjoyed... I can never tell her the truth... I can't let her to know that I... that I'm one of those men...” “Do you still think you'll enjoy treating some one as a thing?” “No... it was a long time ago, and even if we were never caught.. I would've ended it myself.” I would've... sooner or later... John looked at me and sighed. His eyes letting me out of his gaze. “James... no one can predict the outcome... all I know is that she deserves to know the truth, she needs to know why you lied, she needs to know it all. I know it's hard for you, I know you think it will push you apart indefinitely, but... there is no restoring her trust with another lie. ” “I know...” I breathed out. “Write her a letter. It's all within your hands now, and I know you will do the right thing. Write it all out, come clean about everything. Give her time to think it all over, let her make her decision without pressure, and... be prepared to let her go. If you love her as much as you say... let her go if she wants to.” I held the sob that was ready to come out from the depth of my chest when I heard John's words. I know you're right... I know it in my head, in my mind, but my heart screams in terror at the thought that I have to let her go. I can't live without her... If I let go, I'll die... all within my hands... squeeze it in, crush it down... hold it dear... hold it, suffocate... kill all within my hands... love to death... I'll die if I let go... I looked back at John and slowly stood up on my unsteady legs, the whole world becoming bleary, clouded by tears as I stepped back to the door. My world spun around, melting the ground from under my feet. My consciousness tried to get a grip. I felt myself falling into a dark abyss, unable to prevent the unavoidable. I held onto the chair, feeling the wood cry under my fingers when John's voice broke through the fog. “James? I need to know what you decided.” “I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she took me back not knowing the truth...” My own words floated somewhere around me, made a circle around the darkened room and came back to painfully dig into my chest. I'll die if I let go... “I can read your letter to her if you want me to help you with it...” Brown eyes pulled me up, offering a helping hand. I stepped back, shaking my head and trying to stop the pulsating pain. “No... I'll do it myself. I'll cut my own heart out...” |
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| Harvester of Sorrow | July 10, 2011, 11:44 pm Post #847 |
Some Kind Of Monster
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The second paragraph. Yes that was the highlight for me. That line of thought was brilliant. Especially this bit " no need to act badass, no need for masks". I can absolutely imagine James thinking those exact words; When he's on stage he must act like the god fans picture him as (Reminds me of Pirates 2, when Jack is elected chief but only remains in the position if he acts like one, when he's tired of that scam) And you had to add her! The perfect trial for James, a glimpse of his old days of easy booze and easy fucks. The psychological part can be the toughest one and yet he proved himself cured. What a great idea of yours to introduce the girl. Since she was in for a cocaine addiction, it reminded me of Kirk and Lars, and therefore "backstage glory" - I don't know if you had planned that, but it happened on my mind. He quit the old habits but James isn't yet ready to face Angel. To tell her the real truth and not the cliché excuse "I was drunk and shit". “Are you trying to lie to me or to yourself?” This. Lying to himself, trying to free himself of guilt, blaming it on the addiction and not on his judging. “No... I'll do it myself. I'll cut my own heart out...” I died. Do I want this fiction to end? FUCK NO. |
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| namenlos | July 11, 2011, 1:26 am Post #848 |
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The Daft To Your Punk
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Sure he passed one trial, but it was only one. He still has a long ways to go for a full recovery. Poor James.
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| tuesday's gone | July 11, 2011, 2:51 am Post #849 |
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Poor Twisted Me
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I was strong, I kept reading, resisting to give in and just thud, until this line: “No... I'll do it myself. I'll cut my own heart out...” which just ENDED me just like it ended the chapter. It is amazing how this story grows as it approaches the finale, how it becomes more complex, more difficult, more demanding, more... well, more real. Because that's how life is. The more you live it, the more complex it gets, the higher are the stakes, the deeper are the feelings, the more difficult is the struggle. It took him to lose everything to realize what he had. It took him to get away from everything that made his "false" life, to realize where his real life was. And the whole setting of this chapter describes it perfectly. His test and his victory were such a nice rehab highlight. He was so sweet in that part when John disillusions him. He once again tried the easy path but it's all or nothing now and he knows it. And what does he do? Decides to cut his heart out with his own hands. Make the ultimate step, come out clean and suffer the consequences. Yes, he broke. And yes, he grew. Somehow, I believe that things are going to turn out just right. He deserves it. And so does she. I am once again amazed how smooth your writing is. There is so much in here, the rehab, his introspection, his test, the sweet taste of victory, the bitter taste of defeat, the terrifying realization, the painful determination. All this and not a single flaw, not a single misplaced word, not a single artificial sentence. It is all there perfectly packed and fit and beautiful. I wonder how Angel is doing? |
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| Olyamet | July 12, 2011, 12:23 am Post #850 |
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Jäger.....
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@Julia. I know, but it was going long far too long. @Lori. I know, but we know he'll make it! @Bo. They both grew, they're not teenagers anymore. With age and years feelings usually fade away drowning in the routine or get deeper. There is no other way. Thank you girls! I love you! Here is more. (Angel's POV) I jumped into the tour and it helped me take my mind off many things, forcing me to push this feeling that was tearing me apart deep inside. It helped me cover it all with the usual mask. Nothing is wrong in my life, I'm happy to be here in this city, wherever the hell it is, I'm happy to be lost in my music... and none of you ever know how much my heart bleeds behind this smile. No one has to know... and no one knew. Days filled with fans, media, photographers, bus or plane rides, rehearsals and gigs. Days pinned on a thread and collected like bids, all lookalikes, I lived through them with the same false smile on my face... but days were always followed by nights. The nights when the mask was off, when I was alone with my thoughts. It didn't matter now much I tried to push it all deep in, the talk with James' therapist threw me off balance. It surfaced my fears and my demons eagerly came out to torture me. I desperately tried to run from all of it, taking sleeping pills, drinking more than usual, but it all just made it worst. Vivid nightmares robbed me of my sleep, making me jump in the middle of the night, reaching for the bottle, but no matter how much I drank, trying to slip into an alcohol fog, I couldn't get away. I turned in my bed and closed my eyes, repeating like a mantra. Don't think, just sleep. Close your eyes, stop your thoughts, and sleep. I breathed in and listened to the false silence around me. I knew my demons were here, they just waiting in the shadows, and I knew I didn't have to wait long till they started their game. I could feel their figures slowly gathering around my bed, pulling out of the dark corners of the room. Whispers followed one after another. “You're to blame, for everything... You've ruined many lives, you took lives... You're to blame... they all lied... they all lied...” One shadow stepped closer and whispered. “I said that it was never your fault... I lied...” Barry's burned lips moved, letting out the words that dug into my heart. His eyes full of pain gazed into mine. “I'm burning in Hell because of you.” “Barry... I'm sorry...” I breathed out and his figure shook, stepping back into the darkness, changing places with another shadow, Jason's blue eyes bled through the dark fog. “I said that I don't want you to blame yourself... that it wasn't you... I lied... ” His words pounded painfully in my temples. “Jason... I didn't know... I didn't ask for it... I'm sorry...” I reached to the darkness, but he pulled away. Another shadow moved forward and I held my breath, recognizing the familiar and so dear to me shape. “You knew how painful this is, you knew and you didn't stop me... you let me do this... I'm suffering because of you...” Blue eyes turned into gray steel. “James... I tried... I'm sorry....” The air around me moved, voices shouted, bouncing off the walls and getting louder as I pulled my pillow tightly over my head, trying to silence them. My chest ripped with a howl of agony, hands pushing the pillow closer. “James... Please... help me... I'm sorry... I should've never let you do this... I should've stopped you...” Stop it! Stop... please stop... James' image changed, his face saddened, his lips breathed out. “Help me...” “James... I'm sorry... I should've never let you make this sacrifice. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... for this hell you have to go through... I'm sorry...” The words from the letter burned in my mind. 'Now you know it all. I'm not the man you thought I am. Please don't call me or visit me until I'm out of this place. Once this is all over, I'm prepared to accept whatever you decide. I don't want you to feel guilty about your decision, I don't want you to take me back out of pity. If you decide to leave, I'm not going to hold you.' My James would never say that... he would fight for our love... he wouldn't let go... he would call me to his side... Those are not his words... those are.... cold words of the stranger. He doesn't want me to call... or come... he just opened it all and he... he doesn't want to see me... he's... he's pushing me away... he blames me for his pain... The image of James floated in front of me, his smile, his baby blue eyes... I love you James... please don't tell me I've lost you... please don't tell me they changed you that much... I need you to need me... I need you to love me... I need you... Tears slowly crept over my face, soaking into the pillow and I pulled my knees to my chest, sobbing out loud. “I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry...” Barry is in Hell, because of me... I pushed Jason into his personal Hell... outcast because of me... And I sent James into a burning inferno to clean himself for me... A long forgotten trip to the Saturday mass with my mother after I came home from the hospital burned through my mind. The face of the nun from my uncle's church floated in my memory, twisted with anger and disgust. Her voice raised over the silence. “You! You tempted him! He was a good man and you killed him! You're the devil! You were born to bring Hell upon men!” “It's not my fault...” I whispered into the empty room. My chest tightened painfully, the lump in my throat suffocated me, turning my breathing into desperate gasps for air. Darkness swallowed me and my demons' voices turned to laughter, pulling me into the turmoil of their victory. My body fought for air as my mind fought against the cold fingers of guilt. It's not my fault... It's not my fault! I pulled away from the sticky fingers that were ripping into my insides and sat up on the bed, turning the night light on. The shadows rendered and melted away. My eyes skipped from the bottle of vodka to my purse and I stretched my arm, fishing out the bottle of sleeping aid pills. With shaking hands I turned it in my hands, swearing at the child proof top, finally opening it with a pop and spilling the contents all over the bed. “Fuck!” I threw the bottle and it bounced on the table, rolling to the door. I sighed, picking up one pills off the covers and tried to swallow it, but it got stuck in my tightened throat. I grabbed the bottle of vodka, feeling burning liquid pushing it trough. It's not my fault... My exhausted mind repeated the words and I fell back into the bed, tightly closing my eyes. James... I need you... |
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| namenlos | July 12, 2011, 1:04 pm Post #851 |
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The Daft To Your Punk
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Aw, poor Angel. I do hope she only takes one.
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| 4everJamie | July 12, 2011, 3:11 pm Post #852 |
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Some Kind Of Monster
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Previous update: I felt so proud of James because he was able to resist the temptation of booze and sex. But then he had to face the biggest challenge - to come clean with everything and find a way to tell Angel the whole truth. I loved how you interlaced parts of the song >All Within My Hands< to that chapter! Current update: I´m really worried about Angel. All these thoughts in her head..all these demons haunting her and then James´letter.. ![]() And now she´s looking for refuge in alcohol and pills? Oh dear, I hope this will turn out all right! => very well-written, very good!
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| Olyamet | July 14, 2011, 4:47 pm Post #853 |
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Jäger.....
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Thanks for your comments girls and thanks for reading! Love you all! Okay here is a bit more. (James' POV) Month had passed since I sent the letter, and I lived through a few more sessions with John, all in a fog. I repeated his words, not sinking in the meaning of them, just repeating on autopilot. The days drifted by and this place became unbearable. I knew I asked Angel not to write me back, not to call, just wait until I was done here... take her time to make her decision and that I would be prepared to accept it, what ever she decided... lie. I wasn't ready, somewhere deep inside I was still hoping that she would run to me, comfort me, help me... forgive me, but as the days drifted on this hope slowly faded. Not one word from her... nothing... I couldn't stand to be in rehab and despite John's will I signed out. I called Lars to pick me up and he came, dropping everything. On the way home we barely spoke, and entered my house in the awkward silence. I dropped my bag on the floor and the sound echoed in the empty hallway. “You... um.. you want me to stay.. for a while?” Lars stopped in the doorway. “No... thanks... I want to be alone.” I said without turning to him. I need her... here with me... “James... you asked me not to tell anyone that you're out...” “Yeah... I just need some time...” “Call me if you need anything...” “I will.. when I'm ready...” If I'll ever be ready... “You sure you'll be okay?” “Yeah...” I looked at my friend. His worried green eyes scanned my face. “Call me if you need to talk... even in the middle of the night.” “Thanks...” Lars stepped back with a question in his eyes and I pushed a faded smile out of me. “I promise to call.” When the door closed behind him I looked over the living room, my heart painfully pounding in my chest. Alone... that's how it's going to be from now on... alone. My eyes trailed to the small table by the door full of unopened mail, something turned in my mind as my hands slowly sorted through the envelops. No one was here in the last three month to read it... My mind slowly emerged from the fog and I almost jumped with the realization. Angel is on the tour... the last three month she was on the tour... She wasn't home in the last three months.. she... she never got my letter! She doesn't know... she never read it! The weak thought raced through my mind. I can stop it! She would never know... I can stop all this... no... it's not right.. she needs to know... I owe her that... no... I can't... I can't let her go! Pulsating heat gripped at my temples and I rushed to the phone, dialing the number with the shaking hands. After a few rings the voice of our London housekeeper answered. “Hetfield's residence.” “Teresa, It's James.” “Mister Hetfield! It's so nice to hear your voice!” “Teresa, I need a favor. There should be a letter from me to Angel... it probably arrived about two weeks ago, can you please look if it's still there. It's very important.” I felt my shirt cling to my suddenly moist back. My pulse pounded heavily in my head, barely letting the housekeepers words through. “Missis Hetfield was here two weeks ago, when she brought the kids a present from Germany, but if your letter arrived after that, she probably got it a week later. Mister Thron, her lawyer was here, he said Missis Hetfield asked him to prepare some documents for her and he was going to catch her on tour, I've sent all the mail that arrived after that with him. So either way, she got your letter, don't worry!” “Lawyer...” My mouth went dry, knees gave up, and I hit the wall behind me with my back, feeling my heart skipping and coming to a screeching stop. “He said Missis Hetfield missed one signature. Is there anything else I can do for you?” “No... nothing else, thank you.” I pushed disconnect and the phone dropped out of my weakened hand, hitting the the table top. Lawyer... documents... she has made her decision... it's the end... |
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| Harvester of Sorrow | July 14, 2011, 8:06 pm Post #854 |
Some Kind Of Monster
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I could say stuff but I won't. It will seem like they're getting a divorce but then, at the very last minute, you'll magically twist the plot and surprise us, right? At least I hope so. |
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| Lenne13 | July 14, 2011, 8:15 pm Post #855 |
Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand!!
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Oh god, oh god, oh god.......![]() These last three chapters are extremely emotional, strong, deep ... You don't disappoint me Olya! I can't wait for the outcome! And thanks Olya! Your fanfics are wonderfully written.
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Hmmm..what can I say about this update?





8:39 PM Jul 10