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Eluzay of the Phanaari; Character Profile
Topic Started: Feb 3 2017, 11:52 PM (109 Views)
Mikha'el

Failure

That would have been the word used by most to describe Eluzay during the first 1/2 and two years of his life. After all, Elder Vrondiel had declared him at birth to be a fire wielder, and Elder Vrondiel was never wrong. Years of reprimands and corrections, accusations of not paying attention. But it was hard to pay attention with so much noise. Eluzay had tried to tell the teachers how loud the river was and that it made it so he couldn't think. Only to be declared an undisciplined student with a wild imagination, as the river was calm that day with barely a babble.

Other times it seemed to him as if everyone in the village was talking at once. Didn't they know he was trying to study? Once, he had asked his mother if she could tell father's friends outside the bender* to lower their voices, he couldn't concentrate. Mother had patted his head sadly and informed him that the men had gone on a hunt and one could barely even hear the larks. She begged him to stop playing around and focus.

He was not a stupid boy, it didn't take him many reprimands and accusations of distraction and wild imagination, to decide to stop talking about the voices. But they never went away. The voices were deafening at time. There were times the chatter was simply that, like the babbling of a brook, other times a little louder like the rushing of a river. These times he could function almost normally. But there were those other times, when the voices became so loud, and so many that it was like the obnoxious drunken revelry of a hunt party with so many voices laughing, screaming, yelling, hooting and carousing.

And sometimes the only way to drown them out was to focus so intently on one thing that it was to the exclusion of all else. The teachers didn't like this. After all, soon his body would start allowing him the ability to channel his fire magics, and he should be paying attention in class! Many a sharp raps across his hands, should have probably left him permanently maimed. Thank the goddesses, it did not.

Distracted, unfocused, unteachable, those had been words used to describe him, much to his parent’s shame. But Eluzay couldn't seem to help it.

Many times he played with odd chunks of metal that he would find. It was not abnormal to find him rolling them in his hand. In fact, that little distraction sometimes helped him focus on other things. He would complete the assignment, and go pick up something else to do. Setting down, with no recollection of having it, not a small chunk of metal, but a sculpted figurine, and walking away to do his next task, or attempt to.

His parents were not sure which of the metal alchemist were giving him the figurines, his menagerie, his mother called them, but she would simply gather them up, after Eluzay had gone to sleep and place them in a small sack by his bed.

Sometimes, when the commotion was really bad, Eluzay would try to get away. If he could just get down to the real river, the sound of the water, plus his menagerie would distract him from the constant pounding headache, of his "wild imagination".

Otherwise, bad days would find him curled in a corner, rocking, head between his knees, as he fondled some small chunk of metal or one of the figurines.

He had been checked by the elders, surely something was wrong. But no, even Elder Vrondiel insisted there was nothing wrong with the child, except lack of discipline. There were no strange magics at work, no indication of a curse, no logical reason that he would be this way.

The only other thing that helped, as he got a little older, was when he started learning sword play. With that at least he excelled. The focus required for the mastery was such that it drowned out the voices, and he threw himself into it with abandon. At least in this realm, "Failure" was not a word used to describe him.

Two years, two years after the change, when his magic should have manifested. Two years after intense fire training resulting in NOTHING. Then Elder Vrondiel finally saw the truth. The metal figurines were not being given to him. This particularly rough day the teacher couldn't find him, and asked Elder Vrondiel if he could locate him. He had found Eluzay alone in a darkened room, hiding. As an adolescent, hiding, and rocking, and molding the chuck of metal into a swan. The elder had watched in amazement as Eluzay subconsciously exhibited, not the magics of the fire wielder he had declared him to be at birth, but the obvious magics of a psychic.

No one ever admitted the mistake. No apologies were given, at least not to him. But suddenly his training shifted, and suddenly things started to make sense.

Over the next several years he learned to consciously dial back the constant babble of psychic voices. He learned how to focus on projecting his own voice to specified targets, as well isolating specific voices intentionally communicating with him.

He learned that the little metal figurines he always found, never realizing himself where they came from, were his own creation. He finally received the training needed to hone this skill to manipulate the metal with a purpose and focus.

And many a magical artifact treasure hunts were orchestrated for the refining of his talent.

People’s attitudes toward him shifted. Whereas most of his life they were dismissive, or pitying, angry and corrective, or patronizing. Now the tribe started acknowledging his skill. He was talented, especially for not having received all his proper training... but of course this was never discussed.

All respect for Elder Vrondiel was gone, at least from Eluzay. Once the mistake was identified, he took it as a betrayal, of someone who should have known better. From that day forward if the Elder had told Eluzay it was raining, he would have gone outside to verify. Everything that came from his mouth was now suspect.

Twenty years had passed since the "revelation." And yet he still did not fit in. His people were nomads, but he was a wanderer, and days perhaps weeks would go by with him absent from the village. Only to return again as quietly and unassumingly as he had left. He was not disliked by his village, but he was rarely missed immediately. At least not by anyone except his mother, who still ached for the young man and his lost opportunities.

Just the Facts

Name: Eluzay
Race: Phanaari
Sex: Male
Age: 40

Class: Psychic

Abilities: Detect, Metal Alchemy, Telepathy, Long Sword -Ambidextrous, Eluzay is equally proficient with the sword in either hand.

Appearance: 6’2” with a slim muscular build. His jet black hair has a significant purple highlight when the sun hits it just right.

Clothing and Attire: Dresses in a green linen tunic and brown trousers underneath a light leather armor. Overall wears a dark green hooded cloak

Personality: Genuine good spirit with a strong desire to help people. Not always the best judge of character. Loyal to a fault until proven unworthy. Once betrayed in some way, will hold a grudge and never again take at face value any action or word by that person. Often talks to himself, and is constantly handling something, usually metal.


((EDITED - for clarity. *Bender - gypsy style tent http://www.valleystream.co.uk/romany-bender.htm))
Edited by Mikha'el, Feb 14 2017, 03:40 AM.
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Luthe
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You appear to have worked yourself into the beginnings of a coming-of-age story, or a tragedy, depending on how Eluzay's story develops.

You make a few references that were not so clearely defined or led into, like you had the ideas before you actually explained them. This may have been a mistake of placement. I noticed: "his menagerie" and "the voices". This seems to be hearkening to his metal figurines and his ability to telepathically intercept thoughts, respectively. I understand those references when they're explained, later, but was confused by them on the first pass, not being familiar with the character, and reading him directly start to finish. Second pass, I liked them.

The figurines aren't mentioned at all, before "his menagerie", so I had absolutely nothing to connect it to.

Can you allude to him thinking that the chatter in his head as his own misunderstandings or failings? Perhaps he describes the problem to someone, and they blame it as a symptom of his distractible nature and overacting daydream imagination. Just a point of confusion for the reader, made up for in explanation later, but could be given a sentence or two more attention, so that the reader is along for the ride with the rest of the people judging Eluzay as a "failure". In the short history, we actually have that revelation with his instructors, so to have us understand that the voices are a part of his disability would be better than me trying to guess what was meant by "the voices".

I forgot that Vrondiel existed, since we only mentioned him directly one other time, before the end of the profile. He may need one or two more mentions mid-span in order to be relevant to the history for the reader, as you attempt to make him again, at the end.

It's short, sweet, and invokes some subtle feelings of pity and pride for the hero. Again, not sure if tragedy or coming-of-age story, yet. Even though he has his abilities, he still isn't well accepted, though his abilities are potentially incredible. Eluzay carries a stigma, now. This is neat. The pacing was good. These are my thoughts. Grain of salt all of it, as you would with any reviewer.
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Mikha'el

Luthe, thank you for your tips. I have edited it for clarity. As for if this is a tragedy, or a coming of age story... I don't know yet, the character hasn't told me ;-)
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Davina

*preforms a drive by review, forgive the briefness, I'm multitasking school/your mom's computer and profile reviewing you)

He's too old for the way he reads and the naivety that you seem to be striving for, by 40 most are well into either tragedy or we've already come to age... The only other bad spot for me was at the end during your short description. You say slim muscular build that belies his strength and agility... It doesn't make sense, when I think of a slim muscular man I think both strong and flexible so unless the implication is that he is the Terminator in Gumby form it's unnecessary.

I'm excited to see what he has to add to the story!! The rest of the profile is a nice read, easy to understand and relate to. I also dub this profile complete, go forth and RP
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Mikha'el

I can see your point about his build description, so I have changed that.

With regards to the age, I thought we said 40 would be young adult for an elf. Did I misunderstand?
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Davina

I am so sorry, my brain fell out of my body. I've missed that he was an elf, I stand corrected
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