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Marionette M Vallière
Topic Started: Jul 3 2013, 09:15 PM (231 Views)
Marrionette
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Name: Marionette M Vallière
Race: Human Vampire
Gender: Female
Age: 21

Abilities: Tag, Flash, Conjuration

Appearance: Marionette is not tall by any stretch of the imagination standing at just barely over five feet. Coupled with her small frame and unhealthy pale complexion most people would assume that she is sickly or terminal though that is not the case. Other defining features would include her missing left eye and the burn marks on her right arm.

More common features are Marionette's short boyish black hair that normally goes ungroomed and her fair looking face which is void of blemishes though she seems to have a hard time expressing herself using it. Her eye color is a deep brown and her bust size small her form remaining slender from top to bottom. In the end she would be a rather plain woman without the few unique features that were forced upon her throughout her life.

Clothing and Attire: Going from top to bottom, Marionette is known to rotate between wearing a black wide brimmed hat and a grey hooded cloak both normally pulled forward or tipped down so to cast a shadow upon her face. Her left eye is normally covered in one manner or another whether it be a black eye-patch or gauze.

Moving down to her normal clothing consists of a loose, heavy and long-sleeved white shirt, over which she wears a open button-less vest which is a dark brown in color. Her hands are covered by black gloves cloth gloves. Her pants are made out of a light black cloth, held up by a plain leather belt. Lastly Marionette wears a pair of heavy, leather laced boots, the shaft of the boot extending up just past the middle of her calf, she tends to tuck her pants into her boots.

Personality: Marionette's personality is... up for debate to put it simply. For now I will say that she is cautious in nature and is very distrusting when it comes to interacting with new people. She is easy to irritate and tends to have a short fuse on certain matters, mainly negative opinions about her condition. When one first encounters her you could say she gives off a vibe of wishing to be left alone, trying to avoid large crowds and when forced into a conversation she quickly tries to end it and move alone.

In the past she was different, a more kind-hearted sort though certain events have caused her to become much less trusting then she once was. That said one can assume some of her original personality traits still remain beneath her cold exterior.


The Broken Woman as told by ???

Well the project was a success, the town was easily dispatched and the populace's life force was harvested. Just another mystery of the world since there were no bodies left after we were through, I guess you can say the place was cleansed. My power was at it's peak and my forces seem to be in top condition; I was basically unstoppable.. well if you excluded my room mate at the time.

Speaking of him I still wonder why he saved at girl, he even took.. that form to deal with my soldiers so to keep them from harvesting her. I think he cleared out the entire castle while having her flung over his shoulder. Though more puzzling was the fact he threw her into a room with one of my vampiric test subjects... I will never understand what goes through that man's mind. He didn't let the creature kill her though, just left her in there long enough for it to bite her. Her screams were rather alluring to be honest, she has a beautiful voice. She has seems rather feisty I think she fought the thing off for a good hour before bashing her head against a wall.

More puzzling things happened soon after, he seemed to be treating her like a normal human.. well sort of. She seemed more like a lab rat to me, a ten by ten stone cell with only a table, a bed and a bucket. He served her good food though he must of known she needed something else. Maybe he regretted his choice, maybe he is testing her.. who knows though I can't say I didn't care, I hadn't seen him enthralled with anything in centuries. In the end though he let her starve for about three weeks, I checked on her a few times to make sure she was actually still alive. Poor thing was deathly pale and sickly, I had never seen such a pitiful creature in my life. But oddly the few times I dared enter the room she didn't try to bite me. I am not sure if it was a inhuman amount of control or she simply didn't have the energy at the time. He fed her his own blood after twenty three days, basically gave her the finest wine to make up for her torment.

A year I believe it was, took him a year to break down her mind and rewrite it. Now knowing his strength I am guessing she had a strong will because with anything less she would of snapped in a week. Mid way through the process she seemed like a corpse.. well more so I guess you couldn't call her living at that point anyways. Her mind was shattered, spent most of her time drooling all over herself and mumbling undecipherable phrases. I was amazed that he was able to fix her from that state; half way through it she started calling him father and hugging him every time he entered the room. Even by my standards that was rather sick but I wasn't in a spot to say anything. In the end he engraved abilities similar to mine into her mind, the rate which she learned them was staggering to say the least. I guess that is what happens when the student's mind is just a book waiting to be written by the teacher.

Half a year after he rewrote her he started doing some odd.. tests. The first was probably the most cruel, he dragged her outside only covered in a tarp and forced her to the ground. He then exposed her left arm to direct sunlight, not horrible for a vampire in small doses mostly equal to a bad sunburn in small doses. The problem was that he held her there for... two?.. no I think it was three hours. She started screaming about forty minutes in when her skin started to melt a way, yes those beautiful screams. Around the two hour mark her arm was completely bare and her flesh was starting to bubble, I don't even want to imagine how that felt though I couldn't ask her now since she was just a twitching mass at that point, drowning in her own drool and her eyes rolled back in her head. Hmm I guess it was only two and a half, by that point you could start to see bone, overall she lasted a good while. He gave her a good dose of his blood afterwards, though he seemed disappointed that her arm remained covered in burn marks even after she healed up. The next day she greeted him happily like nothing had happened, he must of wiped her mind afterwards... it gave me more of a reason not to get on his bad side. He did the test a few times, probably to see if burning away the scarred skin would let her heal properly.. it obviously didn't work in the end.

The next test came about five months after that first sunbath. I am guessing he wanted to see if his blood could let her regenerate portions of her body. Thus he proceeded to strap her to one of my chairs and scoop her left eye out with a spoon... I couldn't even find her voice alluring while watching that. I am a man of science and magic but somethings just aren't meant to be done to people whether they be dead or alive. He head her maybe a gallon of blood after that, maybe two his regenerative abilities will always astound me. In the end the test was a failure and with her state of being there was no way to properly replace the eye... after that he just shut her in her room and left her to rot.

She stayed in that cell for a few months, living off of what little blood I was able to give her and the rats. She always wanted to see her father though I was not sure where he had gone to, he had left without saying a word after the failure. I finally gave up and let her go yesterday, dumped her off on the side of the road outside of Strathmoor. Figured she would either find a way to live or get killed by the locals, either way it would be better then watching her rot in that room any longer.
Edited by Marrionette, Jul 22 2013, 08:26 PM.
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Atonement
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Black Sun's Zenith

Ok going down the old list:

Appearance and attire is pretty standard, but defiantly defining. I feel it’s kind of a glossed over part when people read profiles but that said I like it a lot. It's got that I’m just a normal ordinary person vibe, except for you know the glaring (no pun intended) details. Very functional though you may want to distinguish between the bandages and eye patch more at times, is the wound still in need of bandages? If not why where them?

Personality like you said is a thing more to be worked on. I imagine as best you try it’s kinda hard to put yourself in the shoes of a brainwashed person in a complete other world. You’re also dealing with a character that no doubt has some psychologically deep seated issues, all of which make for great character and in rp development in my opinion.

History. Well as you said it’s the history after creation that counts, that said that isn’t to say yours is bad. It’s simply unique that in that her history comes from a completely different world with different references and lifestyles. Therefore I would expect your characters transition to this world to be somewhat odd. Still it’s a cool concept. You can’t really tell if she’s a good or evil character, and I feel like when writing you should let the adventure kinda let itself flow. I think it’s a fun character that has a lot of unique things going for it, and an excellent starting character!

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Luthe gives this profile a rating of Complete.

I really appreciate the downplay of appearances for this character. People will try to glorify features of their characters when writing them, almost as if they have something to prove. Even the outstanding attributes of Marionette (Do you want your username changed to be spelled correctly, dear?) are mentioned in passing, like we have more important things to get on to. The eye patch/gauze, the burn on her right arm, and the dark pale skin are touched on, but it's a touch-and-go treatment. You never stop moving. You don't force us to focus on something that you appreciate in the character. You let us appreciate it through subtle pathing in the description, and later reinforce it with story. Good show.

Is she Barovian? Because of your comment yesterday, I assumed that she was, and that's where I tried to place her in the world. I saw a dark, medieval manor with heavy masonry and a big wood fire hearth where the master sat in his tall-backed leather chair. Without that assumption, though, the time and place starts to fall apart. One thing missing from this profile (through and through) is a strong setting, especially after she's taken away. I don't understand what's happening in her world. I don't NEED to understand, especially if she's just a servant girl and doesn't have a world outside of the master's home, and in fact that right there is a very good writing point. She is very limited to her small world within the house. That being the case, I might imagine that that world is more important to her, and relevant to placing her as an agent in the world. Because that's lacking, maybe, I don't feel the terror when she's being whipped, and the comfort when her mother coddles her. You state her in-the-home world dichotomy, but I didn't experience it with her. I didn't experience anything with her. This might be something that you don't want to play down.

I said it before, but it's worth mentioning again - you did a good job of making me want to appreciate her physical characteristics in the second half. I knew why those things happened and why they might stand out in your mind. They stood out in mine, too. Leading a reader into lovely traps like that is how a good story is made. You didn't insist on the character, I insisted on it for you because of how you wrote her.

I don't like that she's from some other world. Just make her from this world, if you can. Being from another world isn't going to have a huge impact on her as time goes on. I promise. People have tried it before, and it doesn't do a darn thing for the character except remove points of contention that could exist in this world were they to actually come from here. If the different world reference was metaphorical, then it's almost poetic. "World" could mean society, or maybe her small, closed off personal world.

There are few, but significant grammatical errors, such as using "then" instead of "than".
Edited by Luthe, Jul 4 2013, 05:57 PM.
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I would like to thank you both for your critiques and have updated her history accordingly. I think it is a bit more fleshed out and hopefully has more feeling to it. As for the rest of her, I will try to flesh out the personality more at a later date and I like her appearance section as it is at the moment.
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Luthe
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You need moar commas, and the writing suddenly sounds like an old, bad storyteller is speaking it, instead of the flow that it had before. All of the good elements are still there.

I'd suggest reading it out loud to yourself, finding the run-on sentences and the things that sound terrible, and correcting the grammatical errors. You say "now" at the beginning of sentences too much. Don't break the endless romantic dream of a good story by drawing the reader to the fact that they're being told a story.

You filled in some of the blanks, but long histories does not necessarily a good profile make. What you've put in just doesn't have the same feel as everything else. I get scenes, but they read like synopses.

Personality comes with play. I'm not too worried on that bit. History should build most of the personality for you. If it weren't super helpful for us amateur narrators, I wouldn't suggest putting in a personality section at all.

Specifically:
Quote:
 
I should probably tell the story of this girl proper.
Slang, or trying to use the word "proper" in an ineffective way? If you sound dumber or smarter than the character is being depicted, you break the endless romantic dream. Authors will often update their writing style with the mannerisms of the character. She's a baby. We need to understand that, and one way to help the reader feel like baby things are happening is through narration. Use different words that sound more babyish (giggle, waddle, and anything with simple vowels and consonants) and don't make the sentences too long too often.

I feel like I'm being read a story (not well, mind you), but that's a problem, too, because it becomes less consistent as the profile moves on. We even switch narrators, I think (and if it feels like we switch narrators, that's problematic). Narrator switches can be effective when done properly, and with huge warning signs like a change in written medium (entirely) or a change in style that makes us assume a change in medium (starting a journal section that depicts a different organizational and narrating style).

There are lapses in the narrator's voice when we start to use slang, or improperly shorten words ('cause instead of because), but the narrator's voice still tries to talk like a storyteller with proper speak and even superfluous additions ("Now Marionette was still a child and children are indeed curious"), and together those things seem inconsistent.

Quote:
 
But fortunately or unfortunately two years later Marionette was old enough to start work in the castle.
Was it fortunate or unfortunate? You're not letting us decide. You're leading us on a journey of her life. You're the narrator. You're painting the picture. Leaving it up the the reader with such a strong narrative lead confuses us. We want to be read to in this type of telling. What were Mari's thoughts on it at the time? Excited? Scared?

Quote:
 
Poor posture one lashing at the end of the day, damaged property two lashes, back talking two lashes, poor manners one lashing, crying one lashing, the list continued on with the act which result in the most lashing being resisting the lashings in the first place. For childern the tool was a willow branch; for adults a tool wasn't need for the fear of being homeless was greater than the fear any whip could induce.
I liked this part. It actually gives us a glimpse into her world. Correct the grammar mistakes. When you talked about being locked in her mother's room, that was a glimpse, too, but more of a missed opportunity. Maybe the door knob was too high, or the shelves were dirty because her mom didn't have time to clean them since she was so busy cleaning the house. Did she rub her fingers along the window sill and have them come back crusted with grime? We need more vivid imagery. Stealing celery stalks up her sleeves, worrying about playing with knives, cutting herself with a knife and getting the switch for it, the shivers and stiffness that came with the fear when she broke a plate. If we're not living in Mari's skin, we're missing an opportunity.

Quote:
 
Her mother was proud though there was an obvious rift between the two of them, they seemed more like a couple of friends now rather then parent and child. Marionette had accepted why her mother did it but could never come to forgive her for it. But her mother never asked for forgiveness; she still greeted her daughter with a hug and a smile though her tired eyes always held a bit of sorrow.
Why did this happen?

Quote:
 
During her teenage years not many exciting things happened
Not exciting for who? Nothing happened here that changed the character? Things that affect are things that inspire. The more relatable a character, the more we'll like her. Saying that nothing happened to shape her humanity in her teenage years is like saying "this person wasn't human during this time, and I don't care enough to show you". If you're not interested, and if SHE's not interested, we won't be, either.

Quote:
 
She could hear the panic in thier voices, she could tell things were not going well. Even worse was the fact that the cries below were becoming quieter... with that she could only assume the worst.
You don't ever explain who told her what was happening, or why she was scared. Things were changing around the castle, but her knowledge of the outside world is limited. Would seeing smoke and hearing the bangs of metal be a point of curiosity? Where did the fear come from? Fear of the unknown? I'm guessing that the castle is being attacked, but the lack of information sadly doesn't elude to her haziness on the situation, but rather just a lack of perspective.

Quote:
 
She didn't wish to die
Very few young, innocent people do. Consider rewording?

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My immediate suggestion: remove the narrator from the first half of the profile. It's not doing anything for you. The voice needs to be dialed way back so that it's not noticeable. The profile can't read like bullet points, but try a little less to not have a pompous voice leading us through it like we're the children, instead of her. Only the second half (when there is an actual person narrating in first person) should we be able to tell that we're being spoken to.
Edited by Luthe, Jul 6 2013, 12:24 AM.
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